Episode I

Rivka sat down to her computer and clicked on councilofelrond.com. As the main administrator, Rivka’s tasks were hectic and demanded much of her time. As the page loaded, she went to check her PM inbox, filled as usual to the brim. A vacation is never a bad thing, Rivka thought to herself as she stared at the monitor, those Middle Earth people don’t know how lucky they have it…
Suddenly the text on the screen began to blur and the colors began to change. Swirling patterns began to take form and the shapes entranced Rivka. Far off in the distance she heard someone yell impatiently “Where is she?!”. Already sensing that something not entirely friendly was about to happen, Rivka was left no other choice than to sit back as she was pulled screaming into the glowing computer…

*Trignifty and Ringhilwen and stand atop the tower of Orthanc as Veaglarwen checks and rechecks her camera. Ring is relaxed while Trig is pacing a bit, obviously flustered*

Trig: I ask you again…where is she?!

Ring: I don’t know, but I wish she would get here, I have some interviews to…conduct. Hey Trig, take a step to your left.

Trig: What? Why?

Ring: Just do it.

*Trig steps to the left, soon screaming is heard, followed by a thud as Rivka hits the ground where Trig was formerly standing*

Trig: Hmm. That was close.

Ring: There she is.

Veggie: Finally! *Picks up Rivka and shoves her towards Trig…then grabs her camera and prepares to film* Okay…3…2…1…Go!

Trig: Hello Middle Earth! Welcome to The Bachelorette, where we auction off…er…allow a female contestant to choose the man…er…elf…uh…*freak* of her dreams!

Rivka: Uh…what?! Guys…I’m married you know. Happily married.

Ring: *hisses* Now you can be happily auctioned off.

Trig: We’re all set up here in beautiful Orthanc…just look at that view folks! *Veggie pans to see the landscape*

Rivka: Holy crap!! I’m on a tower!

Trig: Your powers of observation are stunning. Moving on…for those of you who don’t know the game, we have one female contestant who will be courted by our sixteen male participants!

Rivka: WHAT?! SIXTEEN!?!

Trig: I’m sorry. Fifteen.

Rivka: Oh, that’s better then…Wait…who are we talking about here?

Ring: Our group of bachelors consists of elves, men, wizards and…uh…freaks!

Rivka: Freaks? I don’t want to marry a freak!

Trig: So close-minded, Rivka? Shame, you might like them. Anyhow, Ring would you do the honors?

Ring: Gladly…Rivka, let’s meet the men!

*Who are the men? Who will Rivka choose? To find out these answers and more, stay tuned for the next episode of ‘The Bachelorette’!*

Episode II

*Trigs and Ring grab Rivka by her arms and drag her to the bottom of the tower as she protests constantly. They get to the first floor where Veggie sets up the camera and zooms in on Rivka’s panicked face.*

Rivka: Veaglarwen I’m telling you right now if you don’t get that camera OUT of my face there will be hell to pay!!!

Veggie: Oooh, that’s good. C’mon Riv, let the camera FEEL the anger!

Ring: Uhhhm, how about we take a step back Rivka…and you stay there, Veg. Riiight. Good. Now, time to meet the guys! Gentlemen, when you’re ready, please do us the honor of gracing us with your presence!

Trig: I love this part…

*The first victim walks out, however his identity is not known yet*

Trig: This elf enjoys midnight walks in the forest, popcorn and taking in a movie with that special someone. His favorite color is green, and no wonder, because he is Legolas Greenleaf!

*Legolas struts over to Rivka and kisses her hand, he then moves off to the side, making eyes at the camera woman who just blushes*

Ring: This next man can usually be seen with his nose in a book however when he is needed, this prize of Gondor always risks his life to defend his country. Rivka, say hello to Faramir!

*Faramir swaggers in casually, winking at Rivka as he passes her*

Rivka: H-Hi…there…he cute…me want…

Trig: Thought you’d like that one, but don’t make any choices yet because next we have everyone’s favorite hobbit, the one who didn’t carry the ring but managed to eat his way through a birthday cake in only five minutes. The one, the only, Meriadoc Brandybuck!

*Merry manages to waddle himself on stage however he completely bypasses Rivka in his greater quest for the buffet table. He returns over to the line with three pieces of ham in his mouth and a handful of cheese cubes*

Ring: Well wasn’t that…disgusting. Though fret not, it gets better! This man enjoys the color black. No really, he loves it. He enjoys being shrouded in mystery though he seems to have forgotten his name. No matter, we now affectionately know him as The Lieutenant of Barad-Dur! (Trig Note: Oh come on, I had to. =Þ )

Trig: Where? Where?! I mean…he doesn’t appear to have come out to the front of the room yet, Ring. Where could he possibly be?

*Trig jumps as a deep voice is suddenly heard right behind her*

Lt: Right here…Hello, what was it? Rivka?

*Trig stands still, staring at the Lieutenant.*

Ring: Trig? Triiiig! You’re supposed to introduce the next person! TRIG! Augh, nevermind, I’ll do it. Girl is completely hopeless…Next, Rivka dearest we have an elf. Not just any elf, but royalty! When he’s not occupied by the weary work of caring for his woodland realm, this elf enjoys swimming, hiking and sunbathing. Please, welcome Lord Celeborn of the Realm of Lothlorien!

*Trig snaps out of her trance upon hearing the guest and now shifts her attention to the new contestant.*

Trig: Ooooooh…..

Rivka (to herself): I’m wondering exactly *who* these guys are to be going for, really.

Ring (looking at Trig): Here we go again…I’ll get this one too. I really hope she doesn’t go for this one. Once he was hobbit-like and free but this tortured soul has taken a different path since. Allow me to introduce…Gollum!

Gollum: My preciousss…Hurry, we has an election to get too…yess preciousss….

Trig: What the-We chose Gollum to be on this?! How late WAS it when we were choosing these contestants? Nevermind. Now here’s a handsome fellow you don’t see often. He’s dark, he’s mysterious…he’s one baaaad elf. Put your hands together for Eol!

*Eol walks in wearing something similar to a biker jacket and sunglasses. He walks up to Rivka, stares at her for a second, nods and proceeds to stand by the other “guys”.*

Trig: That was…odd. Anyhow, another elf for your enjoyment now! Also from the Lothlorien Realm, the fiercest warrior this side of the Anduin…The One! The Only: Haldir!

*Haldir, apparently very shy, walks over to Rivka and hold her hand for a second. He then takes a long look at Ring before walking over to the waiting area.*

Ring: Look at those legs…

Trig: Oh, and *I’m* hopeless? Hypocrite…

Ring: But they’re so pretty…

*Veggie, taking control of the situation puts the camera down, walks over to the two and smacks them both upside the head*

Veggie: Her men, not your men. Let that be your mantra. Repeat that to yourselves.

Ring: Veg…no…

Veggie: REPEAT!

Ring and Trig: Her men not your men…

Veggie: Good. Introduce.

*Veggie goes back to the camera and begins filming again. Ring just stares at her cards for a few minutes before Trig pokes her in the shoulder*

Trig: Ring? You’re on, man.

Ring: I know, but I can’t think of anything nice to say about this next contestant.

Rivka: Well just try. I’m sure it can’t be all *that* bad.

Ring: Oh, you’d be amazed. But all right. This next contestant hails all the way from Gondor. After falling into King Theoden’s bad graces, this unusually pale guy joined a new master. He, uhm…enjoys candlelight dinners, playing with puppies and crying in the presence of armies. He is none other than: Grima Wormtongue!

*Grima, hunched over, limps his way towards Rivka, who coils away in disgust. Downhearted, Grima limps over to the other males who also take a step or two back. Suddenly a scream can be heard as someone runs into the tower*

Trig: What? Who’s that? K!?!

Ring: It can’t be…

K: That’s right, me! Griiiiiiima!!!

*Ring, Trig, Rivka, Veggie and ze males all watch as k wraps her arms around Grima in a tight embrace. Grima, thoroughly shocked by this attention (though loving every minute of it) smiles and lets loose a tear.*

k: Guys, is it okay if I…well if Grima here…Can I-

Ring: Take him with you? Why suuuuure you can! He’s all yours! I don’t have a problem with it, do you Rivka?

Rivka: Just…send a postcard. You uh…crazy kids.

*All four watch as K drags Grima out of their view and out of Orthanc. Next to Trig, Ring gives a small sigh of relief.*

Ring: It’s a good thing.

Trig: Thanks Martha Stewart.

Ring: What? He deserves to be with someone who will love him for the eye-browless freak he is!

Trig: Too true. Anyhow, shall we move on?

Ring: Oh I do believe we shall…Next we have…oh…my…I didn’t know he was on this show…

*Ring stares at her notecard and suddenly begins to drool a little*

Trig: Oh no…*looks at card*

Ring: Oh yes…

Trig: Ladies and Gentlemen..all the way from the Gap of Rohan, wearing a fabulous cashmere shirt, the one…the ONLY…Eomer!

* Ring drops all her notecards at the sight of Eomer striding into the room and making his way to Rivka*

Veggie: *whispers* Now Ring, repeat the mantra…

Ring: To hell with the bloody mantra!!! MIIIIIINE!!!

*Ring lunges, but is dragged back by Trig*

Ring: But…but…it’s him…and he looks so…and it’s just that….

*Ring watches sadly as Eomer walks up to Rivka and gives her a firm handshake*

Rivka: Oh my…*jumps up and gives him a hug. A long hug. Frankly we feel it was a suggestive hug*

Eomer: So you’re Rivka, my you are everything they said you were and more…

*Eomer goes to hug Rivka again, Ring claws into Trig’s arm and growls loudly.*

Trig: *winces in slight pain* Alright Ring, if you’ll kindly tell us about our next contestant….

Ring: Who cares about our next contestant…

Trig: I do. Veggie does. Middle Earth does. Humor the people, give them what they want.

Ring: But what *I* want is hugging that floozy…

Trig: I don’t care. Now get your cards and announce the next contestant!

Rivka: Um, I heard that.

Ring: And strangely enough, I don’t see you letting go!!

Trig: Oh good grief *grabs Ring’s cards*

Ring: *Tries to retain a shred of dignity, and reaches for her cards back* Alrighty, now, if our bachelorette wants to let go of her suitor, we could continue!

*Rivka grudgingly lets go and sits back down in her seat, her face turning red.*

Ring: If you like men with delusions of grandeur, then this next suitor is for you! He likes sharpening his fingernails and keeping his whites the whitest. Talking with strangers doesn’t bother him, and he loves meeting new people…say hello to Saruman the White!

Saruman: Miserable humans. The world could do without you, you know. A world without humans, I have seen it…it would be wise to join him Gandalf….

Trig: Like we said. Delusions of grandeur.

Ring: That’s lovely, Mr. White…but a few corrections: Gandalf isn’t here and Sauron lost, so shut up and get your keyster over there with the others.

*Saruman throws a dirty glare at the other suitors as he joins them on the other side of the room.*

Ring: Well then Trig, who do we have next?

Trig: Next up, we have another elf, this one from Rivendell…. *Trig goes silent*

Ring: And?

Trig: There’s nothing else written on the card.

*Figwit walks into the room and makes a beeline for the group of suitors. Trig, Ring, Veggie and Rivka all stare at him, but his face shows no emotion and he never says a word*

Trig: That was…strange…

Ring: Who the heck was that?

*Veggie calls out from behind the camera*

Veg: I think it was Figwit.

Ring and Trig: Who?

Veggie: Figwit. He’s an elf at the Council. Stands for Frodo-is-great-who is that?!.

Frodo: Hah, that’s because Frodo *is* great. I saved you all, you know.

*Everyone turns as Frodo suddenly walks into the room, looking quite smug.*

Trig: Not this guy again…

Ring: Shh…stand very still, maybe he won’t see us….

Trig: I wish he stayed melancholy after he destroyed the ring….

Frodo: Who could stay melancholy when they’re only Eru’s greatest gift to Middle Earth? I mean, really, Ring, Trig…you two don’t know what you passed up. But I’m willing to give you both second tries. Who could resist?

Trig: Dude, he asked you out too?

Ring: Slimy git…more like flung himself at me. Had to beat him off with a bat. Literally.

Trig: I feel you…I had to beat him off with an overcooked scone…Wasn’t very effective, but it DID help when he started eating it and I could run off…

Rivka: Frodo? Is that you?

Frodo: Yes it is, sweetcakes and who might YOU be? *Frodo runs over and sits in her lap*

Ring: That’s Rivka. Our Bachelorette.

Frodo: Is thaaat so? Well, show over, she’ll pick me.

Rivka: Augh, don’t be so sure. You could do with a shower, you know.

Trig: Oooh, snaps for Rivka!

Rivka: Take this thing away from me. Please?

*Legolas and Eomer come over and drag Frodo away, but Eomer gives Rivka a sidelong glance*

Ring: Why…that little…

Trig: Calm yourself Ring. We’re almost done here and then you can go throw yourself at the hot horselord.

Ring: Oh all right. Get on with it then…

Trig: It’s actually your turn.

Ring: Oh. Right. Well then. Our next contestant is apparently free from his marriage to the beautiful Luthien, as he is able to be here today. Please welcome Beren!

Trig: Beren!? I thought you couldn’t divorce an elf?

*Luthien is heard screaming before she is seeen, but she trumps into the tower, looking gorgeous though flustered*

Luthien: You can’t divorce and elf!! I gave up immortality for you, you little twerp, what are you doing HERE?!?!

Beren: But honey! I felt I needed an adventure!

Rivka: I am no one’s adventure, mister!!

Luthien: I can’t BELIEVE you would do this to me! After ALL I’ve done for you! There are SONGS about us, Beren! There are SONGS about our love! I can’t believe you would just throw that all away!

Veggie: Geez guys, I thought you checked through the suitors a little more carefully…

Trig: What checking? There was no checking.

Ring: Yeah, not by us anyways.

Veggie: Then who did?

Trig and Ring: She did.

*They pull back a curtain to reveal Galadriel standing behind it holding her stomach, red from laughter*

Galadriel: Hah! Did you see that?! Her face was purple! PURPLE!!!

*They drop the curtain again*

Ring: Oh dear, this isn’t good….

*Everyone watches as Luthien grabs Beren and drags him away from Rivka. The fabled elf stops to yell several threats to Galadriel on her way out.*

Rivka: No, this IS good. I don’t want to be an adventure for him.

Ring: Who asked you? *she demands, obviously still irked about Eomer*

Trig: I did. Now drop it, you two.

Ring: You wait…soon she’ll go after the Lieutenant.

Rivka: Ew!

Ring: Shut up!

Trig: Thankfully this brings us to our last contestant. He’s big, he’s buff and he’s adorable! Back from the dead, here for your enjoyment…Boromir!

Faramir: BROTHER!

*Boromir walks in with a slight stagger*

Faramir: Brother you seem…strange.

Boromir: Uh…I do?

Trig: Yeah, there’s something weird about you. I can’t put my finger on it.

Ring: I agree, something here isn’t right. But oh well, we’ll figure it out later.

Trig: Too true.

Veggie: And that appears to be all the time we have for today guys. Better wrap this up.

Ring: Thanks for tuning in everyone! Be sure to join us next week as the competition gets underway

Trig: This is Trignifty and Ringhilwen, signing out!

Ring: Signing out? What is this, Star Trek?

Trig: Oh shut up and go get me some aspirin. Frodo gave me a headache.

Ring: Pfft, Rivka is going after my man. How can you think of yourself at a time like this?

Veggie: Uh…guys, we’re still rolling.

*Trig and Ring stand bolt upright and adopt fake plastic smiles and wave as the camera fades out*


Episode III

*Trignifty and Ringhilwen straggle in, Ring with her eyes half shut and Trigs with a cup of coffee*

Ring: This hour is ungodly.

Trig: No doubt. But we have to watch the footage from them moving in yesterday. I hope someone got hurt, because I had *better* be entertained.

Ring: Can we fastforward through anything with Eomer? My therapist said I should avoid contact with him…you know, so I don’t get too attached.

Trig: Don’t get too attached? You’re therapist doesn’t think you’re too attached already? You threatened to kill Rivka over him.

Ring: My therapist says that that is a perfectly natural reaction.

Trig: Who in Mordor is your therapist?

Ring: Sauron.

Trig: That explains a few things…

Ring: He’s unbelievable about helping me work through my anger.

Trig: I find that hard to believe…he tried to kill everyone in Middle-earth and…*pauses*….ok, so I can see where you get your “kill” reaction. Nevermind. Shall we watch?

*pushes tape of footage into playback machine*

Ring: Dang, I didn’t know we put them up in Orthanc.

Trig: Neither did I. Look at that, something new everyday. Wait a minute, that tower is huge, why do they all have to room with someone else?

Ring: Heightened drama? More chance of someone killing someone else? It *is* a natural reaction to uncomfortable situations.

Trig: Okay, you need a new therapist. But as far as entertainment value goes, this should be a plus. Ooookay. So. Whose room are we looking at now?

Ring: Looks to be Eol and Faramir.

Trig: Oh goody.

Ring: Wow, Faramir looks rather pleased….

Trig: Probably glad Rivka liked him right away. Though personally, I never got past the whole “show my quality” act he had going.

Ring: Yeah, it was a little bogus. Anyhow…

*In the room of Faramir and Eol*


Eol: Hey man…be cool. You’re just gonna die sooner with all that yelling.

Faramir: *I’m* going to…you ride around on a demon horse and try to get yourself shot at…yet *I* am in trouble?

Eol: Living on the edge man…you should try it.

Faramir: I’ll have you know I lead quite an exciting and thrilling life!

Eol: *raises eyebrow*

Faramir: But I won’t brag…now would you please get your dirty socks off my bed?

Eol: They’re socks, fool. It’s not like a put an orc head there…

Faramir: Oh my! I think I may be sick…*runs off*

*Back to Trig and Ring*

Trig: I think that’s enough of them…

Ring: ….Socks…..

Trig: Yes. That’s right, upset over clothing meant for feet.


Trig: Exactly.

Ring: Eru…who’s next?

Trig: Looks like Legolas and Gollum

Ring: You’re kidding me…

*In the room of Legolas and Gollum*

Legolas: Gollum? *looks under a bed* Um, Smeagol? *looks in a closest* I’m not playing your stupid game anymore…

Gollum: *crawls out from under the bureau* The elf doesn’t like our gamess? Stupid elveses.

Legolas: No, I just remember what happened last time we played “Hide and Seek”…I ended up in the stupid Fellowship.

Gollum: Ssstupid elveses…no sense of humor…

Legolas: No I have a sense of humor. It’s called Gimli.

Gollum: Elf makeses a point, doesn’t it, Precious?

Legolas: Lay off that Precious crap, will you?

Gollum: Okay, you just take the fun out of everything, don’t you?

Ring: I’d forgotten about the Mirkwood incident with those two. Man, who did the room assignments?

Trig: Not me, I don’t do anything.

Ring: Me neither. Oh well…

Trig: We’re the epitome of quality television, I tell you.

Ring: I smell an Emmy! What’s next?

Trig: Seems like a few of our men gathered in the kitchen for a snack. I see Eomer, Frodo, Celeborn, and, um, what’s-his-face…

Ring: Oh yeah, Figwit…

*In the kitchen*

Frodo: I smell food. Someone get me food!

Celeborn: Can you only smell it because you cannot see it?

Frodo: So I’m short. It’s not the size of the package, it’s the wrapping.

Celeborn: Charming.

Frodo: I am beautiful. No matter what you say. Your words can’t bring me down.

Eomer: At least come up with your own stuff.

Frodo: What are you *talking* about?!

Eomer: You so ripped that off of Christina Aguilerra.

Frodo: No! She was listening to me in the shower! She stole it!

Celeborn: Youth…so stupid these days.

Eomer: Exactly what was Christina Aguilerra *doing* to be in a position to hear you in the shower?

Frodo: Do you want me to answer that?

Celeborn: NO!

*TV is abruptly muted*

Trig: Uhm, Trig doesn’t want him to answer that either.

Ring: Point taken.

Trig: And that one elf didn’t even talk!

Ring: He can speak? *Trig shrugs*

Trig: I can’t take much more of this…what’s up next?

Ring: Um, let’s see…looks like Saruman, Haldir, Boromir, Merry, and the Lt are sitting around playing – wait, is that Go Fish?

Trig: Who gave them cards?

Ring: I wonder if they have any other board games….

Trig: God, I hope not. Ever since they got a hold of Twister at last year’s social, it’s been rather awkward.

Ring: I missed that?

Trig: Be glad you did. Though, Saruman is surprisingly limber.

Ring: Please let that be the end of your story.

Trig: It is, it is.

*In the den*

Saruman: *to Haldir* Give me a 3.

Haldir: I already told you, I don’t have a 3. Crazy wizard.

Saruman: The palantir does not lie. You have a 3.

Haldir: Your skills must be off. Go fish, whacko. *Saruman mutters something about ‘corrupting elves’, and misses Haldir’s deadly glance*

Haldir: Hey, Lieutentant, got an ace?

Lt: Nay, I do not *as he glances at three aces in his hand* Go fish.

Haldir: Uh. Kay. *picks up a card* Got what I wanted, I get to go again. Boromir? Any fives?


Merry: What?

Boromir: Well, that’s what I’d think if I was king. But I’m not. I’m dead. Big difference.

Haldir: Are you sure you’re okay?

Boromir: Fine…I’m fine. Pick a card, I don’t have a five.

Haldir: Okay. Who’s turn is it?

Lt: Mine. Tell me Haldir, do you have any aces?

Haldir: You bastard!!!

Lt: Come now, hand over the cards.

*Haldir throws the cards at the Lieutenant and storms out*

Merry: Poncy elves.

Saruman: Well that’s no way to play…

*Back to Trig and Ring*

Trig: Okay, *where* did we find these guys?!

Ring: Beats me. Galadriel is a sadistic elf, I suppose.

Trig: And I have nothing to ask for interviews except “Faramir, how do you feel about dirty socks?”

Ring: Hey, the world wants to know, Trig. Don’t knock the socks. Hey, look, I rhymed.

*Veaglarwen walks in, camera in tow*

Trig: Veggie, tell me…how do you feel about dirty socks?

Veggie: Depends, how dirty?

Trig: Can stand up on their own.

Veggie: Oh nasty. Thanks, Trig, I was about to eat breakfast.

Trig: Not a problem. What are the interviewing schedules looking like?

Veggie: Uhhhhm…looks like Trig has Legolas, Eomer, Merry, Saruman, Figwit and Faramir. Ringer has Haldir, Celeborn, the Lieutenant, Gollum, Eol and Boromir.

Ring: Wait, someone’s missing.

Veggie: Oh, you’re right, I forgot to assign Frodo. Which one of you would like him, you’re both even right now.

Trig: You can take him, Ring.

Ring: Oh no you don’t. He’s all yours.

Trig: No, no. It’s quite all right; I think you’d conduct a better interview.

Ring: I’m not taking the hobbit, you can just forget it.

Trig: There’s only one way to settle this, we’re acting like idiots.

Ring: Yes, we must solve this in a way that shows our maturity and critical thinking skills.

Trig: Coin toss?

Ring: Coin toss. *Takes out coin* Heads or tails?

Trig: Heads, I interview him, tails, you interview him.

*Ring flips coin, while it’s in the air, Trig grabs it and throws it out the window*

Trig: Aww, would you look at that? No more coin.

Ring: You’re a dirty cheater, you know that, right?

Trig: I know it full well. Hey wait…Veggie’s not doing anything…

Ring: Oooh…she could interview him!

Trig: Exactly…

Ring: Oh Veggie dear?

Veggie: *looks up from work* Yeah, how can I help you guys?

Ring: We decided that it’s not fair for one of us to have that extra work load. So you get to interview Frodo. Enjoy the hobbit.

Veggie: Wait, what?! No!

Trig: Two against one, Veg. Sure you want to dispute that?

Veggie: Well hell…All right, All right…I’ll interview him.

Ring: Good. That’s settled. Off we go, Trigs!

Trig: I’m going to need more coffee…

*Later that day, Ringhilwen enters a small room with a standing camera, a nice backdrop of the halls of Moria. As she waits for her first interviewee, her cell phone rings*

Ring: Uhm, hello?

Trig: Ring! They messed up the interview order!

Ring: What? No they’re not supposed to do that, I only have questions for Boromir!

Trig: Oh crap…I guess you’ll just have to wing it then.

Ring: Wing it?! Oh no no, there will be no *winging* it! I am not a bird!

Trig: Fly like an eagle kid.

Ring: Oh, just stop right there.

Trig: Fine, good luck with your interviews.

*Ring hangs up her phone and heads over to where Veggie has the camera set up*

Veggie: I think your first victim is here.

Ring: Gah! How do I look?

Veggie: Like crap, hope you have some good questions…

*Before Ring can reply, Celeborn walks into the room, humming “Fly Like An Eagle”.*

Ring: *to self* Stupid song…Hello Celeborn! How’re you?

Celeborn: Mad, as the wind and sea when both contend who is the mightier.

Ring: Why are you quoting Hamlet?

Celeborn: *aghast* Why do you know that it’s Hamlet? Besides, old Billy used me for inspiration, you know.

Ring: Please let that be the end of your story.

*Celeborn sighs, and leans back in the chair, still humming….Ring bites her lip to keep from yelling at him*

Ring: So, how are you getting along with the other bachelors in the tower?

Celeborn: They all seem, well, beneath me if you want the truth. Many of the men I’ve met in the past have become, well, more stupid.

Ring: So, suffice it to say, you’re not getting along?

Celeborn: Well I cannot help it if they’re jealous.

Ring: Over what, exactly?

Celeborn: Oh, everything about me. Wouldn’t you want to be an Elven lord? And if you wouldn’t want to be one, you’d certainly want to break out the handcuffs and-

Ring: Next Question!

Celeborn: Silly humans…always denying need. But alright, I’ll play along. Next question?

Ring: *looks through her cards, which have no questions written on them* What do you think about your chances with Rivka?

Celeborn: Who?

Ring: Rivka, the bachelorette….the reason you’re here.

Celeborn: Oh yes, the one you’re auctioning off to the highest bidder?

Ring: What?! Where did you get that idea?

Celeborn: I read it on the information packet your producer sent me.

Ring: Uhm…I think that’s all the time we have for today.

Celeborn: Oh poo. I set aside an hour for this, what shall I do with my time?

Ring: Find someone to entertain you. I don’t care. Just leave.

Celeborn: What’s that other girl’s name? The funny one?

Ring: I hate you.

Celeborn: No, that wasn’t it.

Ring: Her name is Trig.

Celeborn: She was rather cute.

Ring: She’s busy, and I don’t think she’s your type.

Celeborn: Ah, well. I’ll take my leave of you then

Ring: There is nothing you could take from me that I would more willingly part with.

Celeborn: Catchy. did I say that?

Ring: No. Hamlet did. OUT!!!

*Celeborn leaves and Ring sinks into her chair*

Ring: Oh my damn…I hope Trig’s interviews are going a bit better…

*Ring whips out her cell phone again, and calls Trig*

Trig: What?

Ring: Nice to talk to you too. How’s the interview?

Trig: I’m in the middle of it, if you don’t mind…

Ring: Oh, with who?

Trig: Um, no one…

Ring: No one?

Trig: Alright, it’s Eomer….

Ring: you’re with WHO?!

Trig: *weak voice* Eomer?

Ring: You dirty tramp!!! I can’t believe you wou-

Trig: Breaking up, can’t hear, interviewing, can’t talk! *hangs up*

Eomer: Who was that?

Trig: Telemarketer, shall we continue?

Eomer: Alright.

Trig: So how do you like your roomate?

Eomer: Figwit? He’s kind of quiet.

Trig: What have you talked about?

Eomer: Well I’ve talked about a lot of stuff…but he doesn’t seem to be that into the conversation, you know?

Trig: What do you think your chances with Rivka are?

Eomer: I think they’re pretty good, actually. She seems to like me a lot. Can I be honest with you?

Trig: Of course

Eomer: That other interviewer is kind of scary.

Trig: Ring?

Eomer: Is that her name? Yeah, she…kind of…scares…me…

Trig: Why?

Eomer: She’s so…what’s the word…

Trig: Zesty?

Eomer: ZESTY! That’s it!

Trig: She may actually take that as a compliment, but I know what you mean.

Eomer: She just acts strangely around me, maybe she’s ill?

Trig: Yeah, chalk it up to illness. That’s what I do with her. Now, another question for
you…Who do you think will be your biggest competition in this game?

Eomer: Well I don’t want to rule anyone out…but I do think I’ll have steep competition from Legolas. Everyone seems to love him. But at least I know that I have that Frodo guy beaten. I mean, look at me. I’m gorgeous and he’s…short.

Trig: I wouldn’t be so sure…

Eomer: Oh really? He didn’t seem all that impressive to me…
Trig: He believes he can get any girl…
Eomer: Oh, all the fame went to his head?
Trig: You could say that….
*Meanwhile, in another part of the tower*

Frodo: What? Why are you asking me who my competition is? I *have* no competition, camera-lady.

Veggie: Sorry, that’s was the question on my card.

Frodo: So think of another one…

Veggie: Okay. Has anyone tried to attack you with a pin to explode that massive ego of yours?

Frodo: No…

Veggie: Pity. They should. *sigh* Who *are* you getting along with on this Eruforsaken show?

Frodo: Well, I’ve known Merry for a while, but he’ll be off the show soon-enough.

Veggie: You can’t be sure of that.

Frodo: Of course I can! He thought the bachelorette’s name was Roast, as in roast beef. All that hobbit can think about is food.

Veggie: Well, I needed to know that, I’m sure…

Frodo: Face it chick, I’ll be here until the very end.

Veggie: Rivka seemed pretty interested in Faramir and Eomer if you ask me…maybe she likes men over hobbits.

Frodo: Simply not possible. No one can pick a Man over this piece of hobbit. It’s true…in fact, you’re probably falling for me right now!

Veggie: Right….

*Back with Ring*

Veggie: You’ve got Boromir next – you’ll be able to use your pre-written questions. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you, well, prepared!

Ring: Take a picture, it’s rare.

*Boromir walks in, looking slightly nervous as he sits opposite from Ring*

Ring: So! How’re you this morning, Boromir?

Boromir: Why do you ask!?

Ring: …It’s…polite?

Boromir: Oh. I suppose it is. I’m good, how’re you?

Ring: I’m fine….Tell me, how do you feel about your chances with Rivka?

Boromir: Well, I haven’t really thought about it much…I mean, how well is she going to get to know us?

Ring: Hopefully pretty well, I mean she has to choose one of you!

Boromir: Oh…oh yes, that would be smart.

Ring: I’m sorry, B…can I call you B?

Boromir: Um, sure…I think.

Ring: Alright B, you have to tell me what it’s like to come back from the dead!

Boromir: Well, it tingles a bit.

Ring: Tingles?

Boromir: Don’t give me that look. I’m not your toy.

Ring: *bewildered* Say what?

Boromir: You know what I mean. I…I don’t look at women like that?

Ring: I don’t care how you look at wo–wait. how DO you look at women?

Boromir: I have no idea. Equals in the work force, let me tell you.

Ring: *now thoroughly bewildered* O…kay…then…How does it feel competing with your brother over the same woman?

Boromir: My brother’s here?! Serious?! Where!?

Ring: You stood by him when you were all introduced!!

Boromir: OH! Oh *that* brother! Oh…well…uhm…I’m older and more attractive and how many women can say they like dead men?

Ring: Hopefully not many…

Boromir: Well, I may be dead, but part of me works like a KING!

Ring: Reeeaaaaalllly…

Boromir: Well, not *like* a king, I mean, well, I guess what would I have to compare it to? I’ve never been a king you know, it’s true!

Ring: Ok, moving on…

*meanwhile, in another interview room*

Faramir: He’s offensive! How you could pair me with Eol, I’ll never comprehend!
Trig: But they were socks!

Faramir: EXACTLY! Socks!!! I can’t believe he would just leave his *socks* around!

Trig: At least it wasn’t his underwear…

Faramir: Oh goodness gracious me! Why would you even suggest such a thing!?

Trig: What the hell is your problem with socks?

Faramir: They’re unnatural! Unmanly!

Trig: Well. He’s an elf. What do you expect?

Faramir: Well, all the elves I’ve met have been neat and clean.

Trig: All the elves being…just Legolas?

Faramir: Um, right. Still…Eol’s awful.

Trig: So you think he has no chance with Rivka? How do you feel about your own chances?

Faramir: Well, if her reaction to me at the get-go is anything to go by, I have a great shot. Though, with Boromir here, I’m worried. He wins everything.

Trig: Right, I suppose that must be really frustrating for you.

Faramir: I mean, who does he think he is? Daddy always loved him more than me. Then he went and died and finally I got some attention. But it’s gone now!

Trig: He tried to kill you!

Faramir: But at least he TALKED to me!!! But NO! Boromir had to come BACK didn’t he?! AUGH!

Trig: Well, it could give you two a good chance to bond again, right?

Faramir: If that’s what you want to call it…

Trig: What else would I call it?

Faramir: Cut throat competition. I’ll win Rivka’s heart, no matter what!

*With that, Faramir gets up and leaves the room*

Trig: I *really* hope Rivka wears clean socks….

*Trig whips out her cell phone*

Trig: Hey Ring, you done interviewing yet?…..No, I don’t care if you see Eomer walking towards the kitch – NO! Ring, do NOT follow him, that’s an order…..I don’t care if that tunic looks *really* good on him, stalking is against the law…..no, don’t pout, I’m sorry. Come meet me in the main hall, we have to talk about these interviews.

*A short while later, a very dejected Ring walks into the Main Hall at Orthanc…*

Trig: what’s the matter, sunshine? Interviewing not go well?

Ring: They’re all psychotic. I swear.

Trig: Well when you get down to it, they’re figments of imagination immortalized in literature. So you can’t expect much different.

Ring:…Why do you always do that?

Trig: Do what?

Ring: Put things into perspective like that? It bothers me, just let me complain.

Trig: Have at it then.

Ring: Well, for starters, Celeborn kept quoting Hamlet instead of answering my questions. I couldn’t tell what the heck the Lt. of Barad-dur was even saying, because every answer he gave me seemed like a riddle! The nerve! Eol kept staring at my legs and asking where Rivka was, while Gollum was…..well he was just creepy. Boromir flipped out when I asked about being dead. I mean, you think he’d be willing to share the experience, but noooooo…..

Trig: That bad huh?

Ring: That’s not the worst. Haldir came in, and *I* couldn’t speak!

Trig: Was he too intimidating?

Ring: No, it’s just that he was wearing these leggings…and –

Trig: Ah! Say no more!

Ring: It was so embarrassing, but he took it in stride. He took my cards from me and started asking himself the questions and answering them.

Trig: Great, an elf with schizophrenic tendencies

Ring: I thought it was cute…Anyway, I’m done ranting. How were your interviews?

Trig: Oh it wasn’t too terrible I suppose. Faramir is a complete spoiled brat. He kept going on about how he was pissed off Boromir is back because it meant that his father wouldn’t love him anymore. Appears to have missed the fact that his father is dead and tried to murder him. Legolas…is Legolas. Always the gentle elf, but he’s a little morejumpy now. Fangirls, you see…Eomer is a little scared of you, you may want to back off slightly, but he seems pretty stable. Oh! My interview with Figwit was completely pointless!

Ring: Why’s that?

Trig: Because he said nothing! The entire time! He just stared at me and blinked! Merry wasn’t much better, the conversation always turned back to food for some reason.

Ring: What about Saruman?

Trig: Don’t…mention…that…name…

Ring: Not good?

Trig: Terrible. He keeps trying to convince me that Gandalf didn’t whip his tail and that he’s going to take over the world. Whatever. I wonder how Veggie’s interview went?

*Veggie bursts in*

Veggie: I HATE YOU BOTH!!!

Ring: Guess that answers it. Tough day, dear?

Veggie: The WORST! He is so conceited!!

Trig: Did he ask you your Zodiac sign?

Veggie: No, but he used about every OTHER cheesy pickup line you could imagine. He even started reciting Christina Aguilera lyrics. It was sick. I was on the verge of tears.

Ring: Aw Vea, we’re sorry!

Veggie: No you’re not.

Trig: *shrugs* Nope, not really sorry. I’ve had enough of him to last me until the end of eternity.

Veggie: Let’s just close the show, shall we?

Ring: Fine by me!

*Veggie focuses the camera*

Trig: Well folks, how do YOU think the Bachelors add up?

Ring: Should make for some tough competition! Stick around for our next episode, when they start spending time with Rivka, our bachelorette!

Veggie: AAAAND we’re clear.

Trig: You know Veg…You are beautiful. No matter what they say.

Ring: Words can’t bring you down.

Veggie: Oh shut up…

Who stays and who goes? Tune in for the next episode of the Bachelorette!


Episode IV

*The next day somewhere near Orthanc…where? We’re not going to tell you. It’s a secret. Yeah, a secret. A cell phone rings…*

Trig: *answers phone tiredly* You’dbetterhaveagoodreasonforcallingthisearly….

Ring: Good morning to you too, and it’s only 5 am.

Trig: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go back to bed.

Ring: So cheerful. I’ll give you two. One, I got a palm pilot. Two, we have to plan the group dates.

Trig: Do we have to? Can’t we just say this whole thing was a bad idea and completely doomed to failure? Because it is.

Ring: You don’t know that! Get up!

Trig: Bed is still looking pretty nice.

Ring: I will so give Frodo your address.

Trig: You wouldn’t!

Ring: I would!

Trig: Even that couldn’t faze me now…

Ring: *ponders* ….and I’ll tell him you still have a thing for him.

Trig: This is so not fair.

Ring: Desperate times call for underhanded scheming and daily ventures to the shoe store.

Trig: I don’t want to know.

Ring: Good, I don’t want to tell you. Anyway, get your butt out of bed, and over to Orthanc so we can start planning.

Trig: Is anyone even awake in Orthanc? If they’re not up, I see no reason why I have to be.

Ring: You are so stubborn! And *yes* for your information, someone is up at Orthanc!

Trig: Who?!

Ring: Eomer!

Trig: Likely prepping for his date tonight. You know how those Rohirrim are, takes forever to get rid of the horse smell. And horse smell is so not hot.

Ring: Prepping…date?

Trig: Oh no…

Ring: Does he have to go? I mean maybe you could convince him to stay home – he’d listen to you!

Trig: Nothing doing, kid.

*small beeps are heard over the cell line*

Trig: What are you doing?

Ring: Um, nothing…just playing with the Palm Pilot. Did you know I can tap into the video feed in Orthanc?

Trig: And just who are you watching?

Ring: Erm, no one! Um, see you at Orthanc! *hangs up quickly*

*Twenty minutes later, a slightly dishevelled, *very* tired looking Trignifty walks into the video feed room at Orthanc*

Trig: I’ll have you know, I was having an excellent dream involving Celeborn and the Lieutenant fighting over who got to sit next to me at the Quidditch World Cup.

Ring: Quidditch?

Trig: Some broom game. Don’t ask. So how’s everything looking?

Ring: Pretty good so far, we have to figure out who’s going to be in what group and where we could have them go.

Trig: So…cause as much chaos as possible without it being obvious that we’re trying to humiliate them all?

Ring: Right. I was thinking bowling for one group.

Trig: Bowling…this could get interesting. How about ice-skating for the other activity?

Ring: I’m sure none of them have ice-skated before…lots of falling over. I like your thinking.

Trig: But we don’t have an even number of people…do we make one group larger?

Ring: Nah, how about we draw a name, and that suitor gets an individual date with Rivka?

Trig: A one-on-one date. Could be awkward…

Ring: How about on the top of Orthanc? It would be romantic!

Trig: Grrrrreat…since we know how much Rivka *loves* the top of the tower, if I remember correctly.

Ring: About as much as she likes being auctioned off on this show. Isn’t it our job to be putting them all in awkward situations?

Trig: I suppose you’re right. Could get awfully windy up there.

Ring: The more discomfort the better, I say.

Trig: Are you *sure* you want to draw the name? There’s a 1/13 chance that you won’t like the outcome…

Ring: Well there’s a 2/13 chance that you won’t like the outcome, so I think I’m okay.

Trig: Alright…write the names on pieces of paper.

Ring: Okay. *couple of minutes later* Alright done. You draw. I can’t be trusted.

Trig: *looks*…Ring..there are twelve pieces here. You’re right, you can’t be trusted!

Ring: Damn it! *puts Eomer in*

Trig: And the winner is…Boromir!


Trig: Something is very wrong with that one.

Ring: I know…I can’t tell what it is either.

Trig: Beats me. Anyhow…how shall we divy up the other twelve? I figure we should put at least one graceful one in the ice skating group to embarass everyone else.

Ring: Legolas. You know he’d be great.

Trig: That he would.

Ring: We should split up Celeborn and Frodo, me thinks.

Trig: Why?

Ring: I don’t think anyone could handle those two together. We like drama, but the hobbit and the elf take drama to a whole new level.

Trig: We know drama.

Ring: Huh?

Trig: Nevermind….

*A few minutes later*

Ring: Right then…Haldir, Saruman, the Lieutenant, Frodo, Gollum, and Eol are going bowling.

Trig: And I have Legolas, Celeborn, Eomer, Faramir, Figwit, and Merry down for ice-skating. This should be interesting.

Ring: Man, and you called Galadriel sadistic.

Trig: Well she is. We just happen to be worse.

Ring: True enough. Shall we alert the boys?

Trig: Why yes. Yes we shall. I’ll tell the ice-skaters, since I’m scared of what you’ll do to Eomer.

Ring: Oh like you won’t do anything to Celeborn?

Trig: I exercise a little thing I like to call self-control.

Ring: Pfft!

Trig: Oh shut up, go tell your boys.

*Somewhere in Orthanc*

Ring: *knocking on a door* Saruman, are you in there?

Merry: *opens the door holding a large Subway sandwich in one hand.* Difd you neved sumnfing?

Ring: Excuse me?

Merry: *swallows* Did you need something?

Ring: Yeah, is the White Wizard here?

Saruman: *comes forth having heard his name* Ah! You seek counsel from the White Wizard. It is a wise move.

Ring: Don’t get excited, I’m only here to tell you that you’re going to be going on a group date today. And your date is bowling. Merry, you’re going to be going ice-skating.

Saruman: Bowling?!

Ring: Bowling.

Saruman: Curses! Have the hobbit bowl!

Ring: The hobbit *is* a bowling ball. He gets to skate instead.

Merry: Hey!

Saruman: This is a disgrace

Ring: Complain all you want. Will do no good. Besides, I heard that last time you bowled, you lost to Gandalf.

Saruman: Why…that’s absurd!

Ring: Gossip never lies. Have fun on your dates, you two! *leaves the room*

Merry: I wonder if they serve food at the ice-skating place…

*Cuts to Trig in another part of the tower*

Trig: *knocks* Uhm…Boromir?

Boromir: Where have you been living the past few years? Under a rock?! He’s dead, lady! Oh wait–That’s me!

Trig: That…*is*…you…Are you feeling alright?

Boromir: Perfectly fine! How are you?

Trig: I’m good…Just wanted to let you know that you’re going to be going on a date tonight.

Boromir: Oh! Ice-skating or bowling?

Trig: Neither, you get a one-on-one date with Rivka. Cause we love you and we think you’ll win.

Boromir: Really?

Trig: No. Luck of the draw.

Boromir: No, the date.

Trig: Oh, yes. That’s actually going to happen. So be ready.

Boromir: Can I decline?

Trig: No.

Boromir: Damn.

*back to Ring*

Ring: No, you do NOT get to go on both dates!

Frodo: Sweetheart, listen…

Ring: Do not call me that, shorty.

Frodo: Chick, look. I’m going to win this game – might as well maximize Rivka’s time with me now, so as not to get the hopes of everyone else up.

Ring: Too bad.

Frodo: And I really work better in a one-to-one setting. Groups aren’t my thing…well, sometimes—

Ring: No more! You’re going bowling and so is Haldir!

*Haldir walks into the room*

Haldir: You called?

Ring: I….well….um….you’re pretty.

Haldir: Pardon?

Ring: *stares silently*

Haldir: Miss? Ring? Are you alright?

Ring: Oh…oh! Yes, fine. Everything’s fine. You’re both going bowling today. Meet downstairs. Dress casually. Nice leggings! G’bye! *runs out of the room*

*In another part of the tower*

Rivka: Waaait wait whoa whoa whoa. One date? with *six* guys?

Ring: Actually two dates with six guys

Trig: Don’t forget your single date with Boromir.

Rivka: But he’s…odd.

Trig: So wait, we have freaks like Gollum and Eol hanging out…and you’re worried about Boromir?

Ring: Oh yeah, and your date with Boromir is going to be on top of Orthanc.

Rivka: You’re seriously making me go back up there? What if I have a problem with heights?

Trig: Do you?

Rivka: No, but if –

Ring: Then no arguing. It’ll be fun.

Rivka: I can’t believe I agreed to all this.

Ring: Well, technically you didn’t, but we forged your – OW! *Trig steps on Ring’s foot*

Trig: What Ring meant to say was this was all sprung on you as a romantic surprise and therefore we could not expect you to possibly know what to make of your situation. Right Ring?

Ring: I think you broke my bloody toe!

Trig: Oh hush. Rivka, your bowling date is first, we figure that’s less likely to cause you any bruises…so be ready in an hour, please.

Rivka: Fine…*walks off*

Ring: She sounds bloody excited.

Trig: Second time you’ve said bloody in the past minute…are you British now?

Ring: Eh, can’t hurt. I heard Eomer digs the accent.

*Trig shakes her head*

*At a bowling alley somewhere near Orthanc…*

Haldir: So let me get this straight…I put my fingers in the holes here…and then I throw this down that aisleway there…in order to knock over those white things standing over there?

Rivka: That’s the general point of it, yeah.

Haldir: You do this for fun?

Rivka: Yeah, it’s pretty fun every once in awhile.

Saruman: Let me try, mortal!

*Saruman rears back and throws the bowling ball down the alley…forgetting to let go*

Trig: Ouch…that’ll leave a mark.

Ring: Shh! We’re not supposed to say anything!

Trig: Oh. Sorry.

Frodo: I managed to keep all ten standing!

Lt: I’m no genius at this game, but I think that’s a bad thing, Hobbit.

Frodo: Oh like you know anything about bowling.

Lt: Perhaps not much, but I do know of something called narcissism.

Frodo: Huh?

Lt: Never you mind, Hobbit.

Eol: *sitting back on a bench in all black-leather* This game is unbearably mundane.

Rivka: You should really try it. Hurling heavy objects with the intent to knock things over is a good stress reliever.

Eol: Well, even if I wanted to try I couldn’t.

Rivka: Why not?

Eol: Because I believe one of your suitors is trying to eat the pins.

*All turn to see Gollum at the other end of the alley, picking up pins and bashing them against the floor*

Rivka: Gollum! What are you doing?!

Gollum: Smeagol makes Rivka nice tasty pin sandwich! Yeesssss Precious!

Frodo: What the hell is your precious now? I melted the damn thing ages ago!

Eol: I don’t know if you want to do that, Frodo.

Frodo: Do what? He’s obviously got strange dependency issues. It’s over, man, let it go!

*Gollum starts to twitch slightly.*

Haldir: Frodo…Frodo stop…

Frodo: And furthermore, what’s with this Smeagol/Gollum thing? We all know it was just a way for you to keep out of trouble, blaming it on your evil twin anyhow. Your grandma kicked you out because you were annoying, and I must say I don’t blame her.

Lt.: Oh no…*turning to Eol, Haldir and Saruman* Gents, care to join me in taking a step or five back?

Saruman: There’s a plan.

Haldir: What about Rivka?

Saruman: I shall save her!

Rivka: I don’t need saving.

Eol: No, I shall do it, I’m good with damsels in distress, I got this.

Lt. : We saw what you did with your last damsel in distress. How *was* married life, Eol?

Eol: *teeth gritting* that was a long time ago.

Lt: Hardly. I shall save her. Rivka, come along.

Rivka: I still don’t need saving.

*Gollum starts to hiss*

Gollum: Sstupid cocky hobbit! Never did anything without his sstupid fat hobbit friend! *Gollum starts doing impressions of Frodo* “Oh Sam! Frodo wouldn’t have got far without Sam!”

Haldir: Oh no, this is going to get ugly *the other suitors move towards the door*

Frodo: Why you nasty little vermin!

Gollum: *continues impression* “Oh Sam! Come help me win the show!”

Frodo: I never said anything of the sort!

Gollum: You were the ssstupid miserable hobbit who went so far as to trust me! Even your friend saw through me, but all you saw was the eventuality of the next mirror! I’ve *had* it with you!

Trig: *off to side with Ring, eating from a big bowl of popcorn*: Should we break them up?

Ring: nah, it’s just getting good!

Rivka: *comes over to Trig and Ring* Aren’t you two going to stop them?

Trig: Nope, rule #54 of reality dating shows is that the hosts don’t interfere with the contestants.

Rivka: But Ring’s basically stalking Eomer! Isn’t that interfering?

Ring: Extenuating circumstances.

Frodo: It didn’t matter if I trusted you! Your directions were worthless! I asked you to take us to the Gap, yet we ended up in Mordor!

Gollum: Yess, well I am under appreciated! Without me, the Ring wouldn’t have been desstroyed! Yet you, the sshort hairy hobbit, got all the TV interviewss!

Frodo: You know I’m more attractive than you, plus my name is even prettier!

Gollum: AUUUUGH!!! *lunges for Frodo*

Frodo: Help! Help me!

*Eol, Saruman and Haldir look at each other*

Haldir: Did you hear something?

Eol: Not a thing.

Saruman: Awfully dark in here, what’s say we go to that food stand? Nachos sound good.

Rivka: *walks over to Ring and Trig* Can we please do something about them?

Trig: Enh, let ’em fight. Go join the others at the snack bar, couldn’t hurt.

Ring: Yeah, there’s a plan. Here’s 3 dollars, go get a hot dog.

Rivka: …You two are jokes, you know that, right?

Trig: We’re well aware.

*Rivka sighs and joins the other suitors at the snack bar. A moment later, Frodo breaks away from Gollum and runs into the men’s room, slamming the door and locking it behind him.*

Lt: What say you all? Back to bowling?

Haldir: Definitely. This food is going to make me sick if I eat much more. What is it anyway?

Rivka: It’s a hot dog. Pretty common for bowling alleys.

Saruman: What is it made out of?

Rivka: Um, you probably don’t want to know…

Lt.: My lady…*offers his hand to Rivka* Shall I escort you back?

Rivka: *taken aback in a good way* Why thank you!

Lt.: How are you, Rivka? Adjusting well to Orthanc, to Middle Earth?

Rivka: Well, it’s absolutely gorgeous around here and it’s just breathtaking to see…but I’m not exactly comfortable.

Lt: Of course you aren’t. If there’s anything I can do to help you…good conversation included, don’t hesitate to ask.

Rivka: You know, the black outfit doesn’t suit you.

Lt.: But I get so much more respect this way, and people are less likely to cross me. It’s your turn to bowl, good luck.

Rivka: Thank you again! *beams and walks off*

Ring: I told you she’d go after him next.

Trig: I’m fine…I’m fine…*drops bowl of popcorn* There’s just something in my eye.

Ring: Liar! It’s twitching! You’re mad!

Trig: Shut up, I’m not going to talk about this here.

Ring: …Wow…

Trig: What?

Ring: It really got to you.

Trig: Knock it off…watch the bowlers.

Saruman: *staring at the bowling ball*

Rivka: Hey Saruman, you’re up next.

Saruman: Hush human! I must concentrate.

Rivka: Bowling doesn’t require much concentration.

Saruman: Not bowling! I am trying to contact Sauron through the palantir *points to bowling ball*.

Rivka: Hate to burst your bubble, but that’s not –

Saruman: Sssh! I think I’m getting something!

Rivka: *mutters* It’s going to be a long day…

*Back in Orthanc with just Trig and Ring*

Ring: I must say, you handled that very well, I’m proud of you.

Trig: Gee, thanks. Like you’re the Queen of Composure.

Ring: I’ll have you know, I’m improved greatly!

Trig: Only because Eomer wasn’t there!

Ring: Improvement is improvement, don’t bring me down!

Trig: Wouldn’t dream of it. We have to leave for the next date soon, keep your cool here, okay?

Ring: I told you, I’m improving.

Trig: How could I forget?

*Rivka walks in*

Trig: Hey Riv, how’d you like your date?

Rivka: It was pretty cool, if you like men who talk to bowling balls.

Ring: Do you?

Rivka: I’m not a huge fan of them, no.

Ring: Saw that you and the Lieutenant seem to get along well.

Trig: Yeah, you looked like you were having a lot of fun with him.

Rivka: He’s a really nice guy, you know. You wouldn’t think so, I mean…Servant of the Dark Lord and all.

Trig: Sometimes people surprise you, I suppose.

Ring: He still wets the bed.

Trig and Rivka: What?!

Ring: Surprising, ain’t it?

Rivka: Oh wow, how did you know that one?

Ring: I can tap into the video feed with my handy palm pilot.

Rivka: That’s…awkward. Uhm, I’m going to go get ready for the next date.

Trig: Dress warmly!

Rivka: I will, see you in a bit.

*Rivka leaves*

Trig: Are you serious about that Lieutenant bed-wetting thing?

Ring: Of course not. Well, I don’t exactly know. I hardly tap into his room, now do I?

Trig: I see. Why’d you say it then?

Ring: Trying to get Rivka away from your man.

Trig: Ring! He’s not my man!

Ring: Oh fine, your servant of the Dark Lord. You’re into some kinky stuff, have I ever told you that? I mean, the guy worked for an eye.

Trig: Who happens to be your therapist?

Ring: He’s very flexible.

Trig: Uh-huh. Let’s go.

Ring: Kay.

*At the skating rink: Rivka tries in vain to teach her suitors how to ice-skate. Legolas picks it up fairly quickly as the others slip and slide around. Trig and Ring watch, amused, from outside the rink*

Trig: You know, this has elements of the ridiculous going for it. I mean, really, if this show doesn’t pan out some of the footage could be used for “Mirkwood’s Funniest Home Videos”

Ring: Yeah, it could. Oh oh, there goes Eomer.

Trig: Let it go, hon.

Ring: Shh…we can’t talk.

Trig: *laughs* Right, right…

Rivka: No no no! Don’t try to walk, try to glide!

Figwit: *blinks at Riv a bit*

Rivka: *Sigh* Nevermind…

Merry: Like this, Rivka? *glides a bit before falling flat on his face*

Rivka: That’s much better! I’m going to see how the others are doing…

Legolas: I’m fine! *does a figure 8 and then begins to jump and spin effortlessly*

Eomer: *mutters* Showoff…

Legolas: What was that, mortal?

Eomer: It doesn’t bear repeating.

Rivka: Now, don’t bicker. Legolas, that’s very good! Eomer, try not to look at your feet so much. Concentrate, but don’t go overboard, you know?

Eomer: I’ll try that, thanks.

Celeborn: I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

Rivka: *under her breath* And he looks it, too…

Trig: EEP!

Ring: Two in one day, that’s a shame, Trig.

*Eomer falls while skating*

Ring: Oh, I bet he’s hurt, I should go help him.

Trig: No, no you should not.

Ring: But he might need ice! Or…or a massage!

Trig: No, he’s not the one who *needs* the ice.

*Rivka skates over*

Rivka: Are you okay, do you need some help?

Eomer: That would be great, thanks so much.

*Rivka heaves Eomer to his feet, almost falling in the process. As they steady each other, they pause for a moment to look deep into each others’ eyes and–*

Ring: SHARK!!

Rivka: What?!

Trig: What?!

Ring: Well I had to do *something*!

Trig: You are a piece of work, Ring.

Ring: I prefer “Masterpiece”, thank you.

Trig: Where’s Faramir?

Ring: Who? Oh. Good question…where is that boy?

Merry: I think he’s over there…*points*

*Faramir is seen sitting on the ice, stroking it longingly with his fingers*

Rivka: Uhm…Faramir?

Faramir: Oh, I’m sorry. This just…reminds me of the ice that was starting to form when I found Boromir dead, that’s…all.

Rivka: But he’s alive, now.

Faramir: But he’s so strange now. I don’t understand it.

Rivka: That’s very sweet of you to worry about your brother, though.

Faramir: It just…is a haunting image to this day.

Rivka: Oh, it’s okay…*hugs Faramir* It’ll be okay.

Faramir: Thank you.

Trig: Why do I get the feeling they’re about to break into a song?

Ring: I wouldn’t put it past them. The iiiiice is aliiiiiive with the sound of cryyyyyiiiiiiing…of laments that I’ve heard for the past thousand yeeeeeeaaars!

Trig: That was pretty.

Ring: Thank you.

Merry: I thought so too.

Ring: Shh. Go talk to her, not us.

Merry: Oh. Okay. Do you have a sandwich I could have?

Ring: No!

Merry: *dejected* Oh. Thanks anyways.

Rivka: Celeborn, Legolas…would you skate for me?

Celeborn: Skate? With him?

Legolas: You must be joking!

Rivka: Please?

*Legolas looks helplessly towards Trig and Ring, who wave a signed contract at him*

Legolas: *seething* Okay. I’d love to.

Celeborn: What shall we skate to?

Rivka: What do you want to skate to?

Legolas: Surprise us.

Rivka: Okay *skates over to a DJ who begins to play The Four Happy Hobbits’ rendition of “Drop that Band of Gold”*

Legolas: She’s kidding me, right?

Celeborn: ‘Fraid not.

Legolas: *sigh* Eru…

*The two dance in lovely formation for a solid five minutes before completely tiring out and freezing in the middle of the rink. Rivka skates over*

Rivka: Oh that was wonderful!
Celeborn: I know *is kicked by Legolas*–I mean…you think so? Really?

Rivka: Absolutely spectacular!

Legolas: Thank you so much.

Rivka: Really, I can’t get over it!

Celeborn: We can tell.

Rivka: Breathtaking! *kisses them both on the cheek*

Legolas: *pausing for a moment to smile* Thank you, my lady.

*Rivka skates off*

Legolas: Oh she so totally digs me.

Celeborn: What are you talking about, she very obviously was into me!

Legolas: Think what you want, old-timer.

Celeborn: Boy I will grind your bones to make my bread if I must.

Legolas: I’m sure she’ll find that highly attractive. Besides, start with that Figwit guy.

Celeborn: Bit annoying, isn’t he. Never talks.

Legolas: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Celeborn: Oh shut up before I shut *you* up.

Legolas: You know…one of those hosts has been eyeing you all night.

Celeborn: You will not get my mind off the competition!

Legolas: No I’m being serious.

Celeborn: Really, which one? The funny one or the scary one?

Legolas: Which one is the scary one?

Celeborn: The one stalking Eomer.

Legolas: Oh, the other one then. Trignifty, I think her name is.

Celeborn: She’s cute. But I’m after Rivka, no ploy of yours can stop me!

Legolas: Fine, fine…

*Back at the Tower*
Ring: That was actually kind of painful.

Trig: You can say that again…

Ring: That was actually kind of painful.

Trig: Oh shut up.

Ring: So both the Lt. and Celeborn, eh? Looks like you’ve no manner of luck at all.

Trig: At least she didn’t almost kiss either of them.

Ring: Care to take that back?

Trig: Not a chance.

Ring: I shall not be held responsible for my actions.

Trig: When are you ever?

Ring: Good point.

Trig: Please tell me we’re almost done for the day. I have some ranting for my journal and I’m in all kinds of a hurry to get to it.

Ring: Just Riv’s solo date up on the top of the Tower with Boromir.

Trig: That should be interesting. That boy has more neuroses than fingers and toes.

Ring: Didn’t he lose a few toes in that orc fight?

Trig: Not the point!

Ring: Sorry.

Rivka: *Enters at a run* Do I really have to go on this date tonight?

Ring: You’ve already been on two, what’s one more?

Rivka: He’s…weird…

Trig: You were stuck for three hours teaching a wizard who thought the bowling ball was a Seeing Stone how to bowl. You think Boromir is going to be an issue!? This whole thing has been about You You You! Maybe Boromir would enjoy the date! Did you ever think of that?! Or did you just disregard everyone’s feelings because they didn’t fit into your little world?!

Rivka: …..

Ring: Sorry, she’s had a bit of a bad day.

Rivka: You know, I can tell.

Ring: You should probably go get ready for your date.

Trig: Yeah. And don’t forget, you have to kick people off tomorrow.

Rivka: I do?

Ring: Yes. You do. Think long and hard about it.

*At the top of Orthanc. Rivka and Boromir sit at a candlelit table in the middle of the platform while Ring and Trig sit over by a corner, leaning on one of the stakes, discussing the date*

Trig: You know, he can be quite the little charmer, that one.

Ring: I was thinking that too. Rivka hasn’t stopped smiling for the past ten minutes. I think it might actually be genuine. Amazing.

Trig: Something’s still off about him, though…

Rivka: So how was death? White light, does stuff just black out, what?

Boromir: Dying? Why would I know?

Rivka: You…died. Didn’t you?

Boromir: Oh…OH! Yes! I did! Sorry, I try not to think of it.

Rivka: Obviously. Are you okay?

Boromir: I’m fine…just a little distracted I guess. By your beauty.

Rivka: Oh…thank you.

Ring: And you say *I’m* good at changing the subject….

Trig: Sssh!

Rivka: So was it a shock to come back here and do this show? I mean a lot’s changed since you died. Faramir became Steward, Aragorn became king…your father committed suicide…

Boromir: Dad off’d himself? No way!

Rivka: You knew that…didn’t you?

Boromir: No, it’s a total shock to m–I mean yes! Yes, I heard about it a little while ago. Crying shame, he was a good ruler.

Rivka: …He tried to kill your brother.

Boromir: Crying shame, he was a good ruler…

Rivka: Um, if you say so, I guess. You probably knew him better than I did.

Boromir: Eh, not really….I was better acquainted with his – oh, nevermind.

Rivka: Well, it’s too bad you never got to rule over Gondor then…

Boromir: Are you kidding? Aragorn’s doing a great job! Great ruler. Great king, ya know. There’s no one better for the job, I say.

Rivka: I thought you two didn’t like each other?

Boromir: Nah, he’s one hell of a guy, I don’t know that I’m worthy to breathe the same air, really.

Rivka: You’re very strange.

Boromir: No, I’m just honest. Tell me, what do *you* think of Aragorn?

Rivka: Well, I can’t say he was ever my favorite member of the Fellowship…

Boromir: *chokes on wine* Oh really…*cough*….why’s that?

Rivka: I was always more partial to the hobbits actually.

Boromir: Uh, yeah…hobbits. Little folk. Annoying really. Anyway, why didn’t you like Aragorn?

Rivka: I always saw him as kind of…overconfident.

Boromir: But don’t you think that confidence is a good thing?

Rivka: It’s a good thing in moderation.

Trig: Like alcohol.

Ring: Shh! We can’t talk, how many times do I have to tell you?!

Trig: One more time, as always.

Boromir: So you don’t like Aragorn because he’s overconfident.

Rivka: And he’s a little *too* manly.

Boromir: TOO manly?!

Rivka: Yeah, you know…too macho really, for my tastes.

Boromir: How could he be *too* manly?! He had elven blood! He married an elf!

Rivka: You know an awful lot about Aragorn. *she smirks* Are all those slash stories true, then?

Boromir: Um, slash?

Rivka: Nevermind. Ask Trig and Ring about it later.

Boromir: I’ll be sure to.

Rivka: Speaking of Trig and Ring…am I done here?

Ring: You haven’t ordered dessert yet!

Rivka: No matter. I’m not one for desserts.

Trig: You liar, you love ’em!

Rivka: That was *then*. This is *now*

Trig: Alright…leave.

Rivka: Thank you! *runs off to the stairs*

Ring: Should we just leave Boromir up here then?

*They look over Boromir, who is muttering to himself…*

Boromir: Too manly? I don’t get it…

Trig: Yeah, I’m sure he’ll find his way back.

Ring: You sure?

Trig: Fairly sure. Anyways, we have to get ready for the elimination round. Dun dun dun!

Ring: What was that?

Trig: Well, dramatic music doesn’t exactly follow me around. I have to make my own.

Ring: …Very precious.

Trig: I do try.

Ring: Shall we leave?

Trig: We shall.

*They begin to walk downstairs*

Boromir: Too freaking manly?!

Trig: *muttering to Ring as they walk* Glad to see he’s taking it well.

The Next Day in the Aptly Named Rejection Room

Rivka: Do you have any idea how hard it is to narrow down two people to kick off out of this group of freaks?

Trig: But you’re kicking off three.


Ring: Since Trig and I discovered it’s easier to write with an even number of bachelors.

Rivka: I see.

Trig: So who’s it gonna be?

Ring: Shh! She can’t tell you until they’re all here!

Rivka: Isn’t there supposed to be something with a rose involved?

Ring: Yeah. But…we decided we’ll just heckle them and it’ll be much better. Call their names out, let everyone laugh.

Rivka: Ah. Real bleeders are the heart, aren’t you?

Trig: Nothing less. Ring, bring ‘em in

Fifteen minutes later

Trig: Now that you’re all settled, I want to tell you why you’re here. The object of the game is, of course, to narrow down our contestants until we have only a handful left.

Saruman: Meaning?

Ring: Meaning three of y’all are going home today.

Saruman: But I live here!

Ring: Well…hell. You’re going to go on a visit then.

Trig: Anyways. Rivka, who have you chosen to leave?

Rivka: Well…the choice was incredibly difficult. I’d kick more of you off, if I could. But the first person to go is…Merry. I’m sorry.

Merry: Me? Why me?!

Legolas: Because you’re more concerned with stuffing your face than with romance!

Rivka: What he said!

Merry: So that’s the way of it…Well I won’t be treated this way! I want to stay! I want to see this through to the end!

Ring: We have a care package for you for being on the show. Full of food.

Merry: Later, suckers.

*Merry leaves*

Trig: This just gets…weirder and weirder. Madam, your next victim?

Rivka: Okay…the next person who gets to—I mean…has to leave is a bad boy at heart, I suppose. But we never really got along, I guess. He’s nice and all, he’s just a little out there. And I don’t really go for leather. Sorry Eol.

Eol: Me? Oh. Well then…*exits*

Ring: What?! No drama?! No screaming?!

Trig: Maybe the last person will get upset?

Ring: They had better! I will be highly distraught!

Trig: I know, pet.

Ring: Do I get a cookie?

Trig: Sure *gives Ring a cookie*

Rivka: So the next…thing that I would like to bid adieu to…is actually not too bad. But he never speaks. And I’m all about guys who listen, but this is ridiculous. Figwit. Exit. Now.

Trig: Okay, maybe no drama.


Ring: What…the…He spoke!

Figwit: Damn straight I spoke. I’ve been holding that in for days.

Rivka: Why didn’t you speak earlier?

Figwit: Do you think I was on this stupid show because I wanted to be? Oh no. Oh no no no.

Trig: Then…why?

Figwit: I made a deal with Galadriel. If I came on this show, she’d let me move to Lothlorien.

Ring: What’s the deal with Rivendell?

Figwit: Elrond boosted taxes again. Plus his daughter keeps eyeing me and I’m like ‘honey, I know you want me, but I just can’t help you. I’d like to keep all my appendages’ but of course, she doesn’t listen to me and keeps eyeing me anyways. Aragorn, she was your woman, you should come and do something about it because I tell you, it’s driving me up a freaking wall. Elrond assigned me to be her personal guardian too, after that mess with the Ring because she kept getting herself into all these weird situations like getting her head stuck between two planks in the banister of the staircase and she did some other thing a couple of weeks ago where she met some peddler selling poison apples and she, being the nitwit she is, decided to purchase one and eat it. She was on about some business about apple pies, the silly girl. And so she dies, right? Wrong, because it wasn’t in battle and she’s an elf, so she can’t. So you know what I had to do? I had to kiss her. And ever since, she won’t leave me alone. Something about being her true love or some such madness…*he keeps rambling on*

Ring: Oh…wow…

Rivka: Wrap up the show.

Trig: What?

Figwit: …and then she decided she wanted to go to the Gap of Rohan, and I tried to tell her for the fiftieth time that the Gap of Rohan isn’t a store, it’s just a gap in the most literal sense, but nooo…she had to go down there and see for herself. Then she pitched fits when we went to Gondor and it had been repainted this wonderful taupe color. You know they say taupe is very soothing, or at least some man on TV did once, I don’t really remember. But now she feels that Gondor has a false advertising thing going on, as they are very partial to mentioning White with Gondor, you know…


Trig: *stares at Figwit with her mouth dropping open*

Ring: Trig.

Trig: ….

Ring: TRIG

Trig: What?!

Ring: *points to the camera* We gotta stop this.

Trig: Oh…fine…*looks at the camera* So that’s all for this episode of The Bachelorette. Stay tuned and we’ll catch you next time.

Ring: Thanks everyone! *turns away* How do we get him to shut up?

Trig: I dunno…threaten to put him back on the show?

Ring: ……

Who’s next off the Island—er…the…tower? Be sure to catch the next episode of The Bachelorette, coming soon to a computer near you!

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