The Gospel According to Tolkien
The Gospel According to Tolkien
Written by Zaporojhan
And yea, the Lord Tolkien, father of all that is good in the world, proclaimed unto the masses, “There is no allegory. There is no bomb. There is no relationship between Frodo and Sam, it is platonic.” But the masses ignored his word and continued to draw conclusions. So the Lord Tolkien said, “Oh, go sod off!”
So the ‘deplorable cultus’ did sod off and create the Church of the Fantasy Geeks. And the Geeks went forth unto the people and sought to convert them in their ignorance. But the people did not heed the good word of the Geeks and persecuted them mercilessly. And thus the Geeks became the forsaken ones.
In the year of our hobbit 1977, two momentous events did occur. Firstly, the most high and holy trilogy was made into an animated movie, which righteously sucked. Yet, so miserable were the Geeks that they clung to it in their misery. Secondly, the false prophet George Lucas came among them spreading discontent with his ‘Star Wars’. Strife grew among the Geeks and many broke off to form a new sect of Geek known as the Sci-Fi Nerds.
Those were the dark times of persecution and fear. Many Geeks took jobs in middle management, yet they read to their children out of the holy books and raised them to be devout Geeks. They became the Hidden Children for where ever they went openly the young Geeks were scorned mightily. No true record yet exists of how many geeks were martyred in the name of high school conformity. The dark times continued thusly for many long years and although the Geeks cried forth and wept for deliverance (and some well placed smiting) the messiah did not come.
In the 1990’s however, the books of Potter appeared and yea some believed the author to be a predecessor to the messiah and so they hailed her. It was in these times of renewed hope, when the Geeks began to slowly emerge from the shadowy underworld of Internet chatrooms and conventions, that the true messiah arose in New Zealand but they did not know his face. And so he went unseen among them and judged them in need of his help. Yet, when Peter Jackson announced his plan the masses did mock and scorn him and published doom-telling predictions on the Internet.
But, the almighty Jackson did not heed the doubters and proclaimed unto them, “Just you wait.”
And they said, “It can’t be done by mortal means.”
And Jackson replied, “Who said I was going to play by the rules?”
And the doubters were silenced.
After years the long awaited day of deliverance arrived and many were caught unawares by the genius and magnificence of the movie. And Peter Jackson spake unto them thusly, “Ha! Ha! Told you so!” And thrice the cycle of three months of joy and nine months of apprehension did occur and twice were they denied the favors of almighty Oscar. But the third time was the charm and the Academy smiled upon the Geeks. And there was much rejoicing.
And the words of the Lord Tolkien appeared on the Internet. And thusly they proclaimed the commandments of the Geeks.
I. Though shalt not worship any false authors.
II. Thou shalt read of the holy trilogy every year.
III.Thou shalt not be led astray by the dark temptations of the false prophets of science fiction.
IV. Thou shalt count to 9 and 9 shall be the number of your counting, thou shalt not count to 10 nor to 11.
V. The Hobbits are not gay and neither is anybody else.
VI. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your fellow Geek.
VII. Thou shalt not name your child Bilbo or Galadriel.
VIII.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Extended Edition.
IX. Thou shalt own a statue of Gollum and offer sushi unto it.
X. Thou shalt watch all three movies back to back every Sunday.
And the multitudes, upon hearing this pronouncement, rejoiced for they had long been bereft of any direction in their lives. Yet, the movies proved mixed blessings for more converts did appear.
Firstly, came the Fangirls, who spoke thusly, “Like, oh my God!!! The guy with the blonde hair and the pointy ears and the pointy flying sticks is like sooo cute!!!!!! I’m going to read the books too!! Is Orlando Bloom in the books?????” And the Geeks did scorn the Fangirls for their lack of interest in canon and multiple punctuation marks.
Then came the Fanboys who spoke thusly, “Dude! The special effects and the gore and the swords and the boom and the whoosh and the blood and the wars! I’m going to read the books too! Are there special effects in the books?” And the Geeks did scorn them as well.
Soon, the Geeks began to reject all younger Geeks, believing them to be blasphemers in search of blood and hot elves. Yet, some of them had been Geeks long before the movies and they were cast out with rest for the crime of casting a poor reflection.
And the true believers did arise and try to fight back against the rising tide of pop culture but it was in vain. The power of commercialism was too strong and many geeks succumbed to its siren call. Verily, the war between the purists and the rest of the world is being fought even today and so shall it be until the ending of time.
Author’s Note: this was written as an assignment in literature class. While it is not an accurate representation of all of my views (I have dabbled in the murky underworld that is slash) it does a pretty good job. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. If so please leave me a review.
55 Comments
Oh my Tolkien. That was crazy hilarious. Thank you for making my morning! *goes off to buy a statue of Gollum and a package of sushi*
Loved it! Thanks for submitting it! =)
Very, very funny. You did a great job on it, Zaporojhan. Well done!
Hehe, very very funny. Of course, I am a Christian, but a bit of fun here and there won’t hurt, would it? Thank you for submitting it!
yeah!!! finally commandments we can live by…you did a woderful job…go Tolkien!!!
that was realy funny! loved it! the python rocks!
😀 and ,all hail tolkien!
Really cool!
Have thrown away all my Star War DVDs, lest I might “be led astray by the dark temptations of the false prophets of science fiction.”
Ha ha ha ha ha…
That is so flippin funny. I cant’ believe how hilarious this is! I’m not a fangirl…. okay, i was, but i have been converted! I loved it. Good job!
I think this is the first Tolkein parody that used not only correct puncuation and grammar, but also literary devices! Although I was not a hardcore Tolkein fan before the movies, unlike the satisfyed masses I went on to read the books. You are really good at this, You should try your hand at more Tolkein parodys. Thanks for lightening my day. 😉
This is hysterical! And so true. ;D *goes off to buy sushi*
Hoo boy. That was the funniest thing I’ve seen in months! You, my friend, are a genius. *wipes away tears of mirth*
I love the commandments!
ok, that rox my sox, i luv the fangirl/boy part. keep writing humor and the lord tolkien will bless u {jk}LOL. now, where can i find a gollum statue & some sushi……………….
Loved It *goes off to buy gollum/smeagol
bookends* They’re like $100!!!!!!!!
I greatly enjoyed this. It was quite amusing. However, it was a teensy bit sacreligious what with the commandment to worship anyone other than Tolkien. No offense meant, of course. ‘Twas
good.
Ha ha ha ha! That was great. Although I probably wouldn’t follow the commandments…he he he!
::Goes off to buy sushi and Gollum statue::
i love this! it was so funny! sure some of the points about sci fi were a bit hurtful but on the whole this is so great! very funny!
That was so awesome! I loved the “false messiah George Lucas” and the “books of Potter”, though I am a fan of both Star Wars and Harry Potter I understand it all in the name of fun. I adore the commandments,especially II, V, VI, VII and X! All in all, this was very well-written, clever and witty! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to talk to a man about a Gollum statue and some sushi.
Finally, Tolkien’s diety-like-ness whatsit is truly represented!! All hail the True Geeks!! (I am very proud cause I started reading the books before I saw the movies and I know that Tolkien said that there were definitely no elves nancing about at Helm’s Deep.My guess is Jackson thought the audience wanted something pretty to look at…) Anywho, thou art truly a great writer and thou shouldst keep it uppeth!!
This was AWESOME! I am a True Geek! I read the books in third grade because my third-grade teacher showed part of the animated movie of ‘The Hobbit’ and I wanted to know what happened. LET US RISE UP AND DRIVE AWAY THE FALSE PROPHET GEORGE LUCAS AND HIS COMPATRIOT, J.K. ROWLING, AUTHOR OF THE BOOKS OF POTTER! Now, where can one find gollum statues…
I first read the trilogy when I was 10 years old. I am now 20. I have read them nearly 3 times,(not enough, I know), and I believe this makes me a true believer. Despite the sacrelige, write on! You rock.
I loved that! That was so funny! I shall now attempt to watch all three extended cuts on Sunday.
Loved the Monty Python bit!
Very funny and Monty Pythonish. Love the bit on the fangirls and slash!
Thanks for your great parody—one of the best I’ve ever read!!!! Thank you for your bringing up the forsaken younger high school fans : )
What grade did you get on it? Hope it was good…
OMG! that has to be the funniest thing EVER!!!!!! well, maby the very secret diaries has you topped, but thats another category entirely…..sooooooo funny, loved the gollum and sushi part ( my gollum statue loooves shrimp paties!) I’m kinda in a religious transfer, but i’ve found my god! HAIL TOLKEIN!!!!! (kidding, i’m christian, but still hail Tolkein)
*giggles* That’s so funny! I LOVE it!
extremely funny and very witty. i liked the part slashing fangirls haha they annoy me too.
thats pretty much it really, isnt it?! Good stuff 🙂
Hey, I’m not a false geek, and when I first saw the movies I was NOT a fangirl. Still, the sushi commandment is pretty funny. I guess my mom broke the fourth or so one, she named her horse Eomer.
I wept with laughter upon reading this scripture! Thanks for bringing it to light. This is one of the funniest pieces I’ve read.
Brillliant and hilarious!
Ohhh. Can I get this in pdf?
I would love to have it in Quenya on my door!
Please!
That was brilliant!!! Although I hadn’t read the books before I saw the movie, I’ve become a true geek now and I’m proud of it! Thanks for this brilliant piece of humour!!!
Very funny, yet is sounds very true. Can you write another one, please?
Alas for such is the sad truth among us geeks. Awesome work!
so monty python! i love it!
thy hath enlightened my heart with thy literature assignmenth. i must admit, im going to have some trouble with the commandments *squirm*
Thank you for writing this. I hope your teacher liked this as much as we did, but my teachers never seem to appreciate stuff. Very well written, and I’d say fandom and canon tend to run in two different directions, so underworld-ing should be hailed as writing practice. The commandments were very entertaining, and I liked the not coveting the Extended Editions.
hehe. very entertaining. loved the allusion to monty python…
Amazing work! I send you mighty accolades. May this be a light for all Tolkien fans when all other lights go out.
i dont know…it was funny in parts…i liked the year of our hobbit…but its just i twitch a little at any thing that is parody on christianity…like sorta like that.-..and I AM NOT A FANGIRL…altho frodos eyes are GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Thou shalt not name thy child Bilbo or Galadriel.”
How does the Lord Tolkien feel about Luthien or Peregrin?
I thought this was excellent, honestly I did. It’s kind of sad, though, especially the thing about the Hidden Children. I know exactly how they feel. 🙁
when i read this article, i was barely able to finish because of the tears of laughter in my eyes. An amazingly creative way to portray the world that JRRT created.
The author of this is a genius.
this made my life!!!
Oh. My. Gosh. *is overwhelmed by the awesomeness*
Thats awesome
Brilliant
holy mother of Tolkien that was hilarious! high five!
Will Lord Tolkien understand if I only watch the Movies back to back every other Sunday? I usually have a lot of homework… Also, may one make oneself an author in honour of the Lord or is that sacrilege?
Wow! That was so well written I loved it!!! Glad to have another 10 commandments to follow! 🙂
so great. Oh my Tolkien is my new substitution cuss word
Very good! i like it!!
Indeed! None of the characters are gay, already! Someone needs to tell that very clearly to some of the crazy writers pf fanfic out there, PLEASE!
Shall it be accepted unto the fandom that one must have more than one fandom? Thy description of the holy Star Wars…I do not agree…but i adore both…