The Very Secret Diary of Legolas, Part II
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, PART II
By Cassie Claire
Day One:
Whee!
Day Two:
I like to run!
Day Three:
I look good when I run!
Day Four:
I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?
Day Six:
Is Gimli staring at my butt?
Day Seven:
No wonder he’s always lagging behind.
Day Eight:
Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.
Am still the prettiest.
Day Nine:
Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.
Still prettiest.
Day Ten:
Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.
Day Eleven:
Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, “Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?” Gandalf said, “The Balrog.” So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.
Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?
Day Twelve:
Asked Gandalf for Balrog’s number. Gandalf said I couldn’t call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn’t, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to self: never date Gandalf.
Day Fifteen:
Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the prettiest! V. bitter.
Day Nineteen:
Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.
Day Twenty:
Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.
Day Twenty-seven:
Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!
Day Twenty-nine:
Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, “Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it.”
Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.
Day Twenty-Nine:
Battle of Helm’s Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.
On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.
Day Thirty:
Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.
Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.
No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!
31 Comments
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh my God! I haven’t laughed so much in ages!!!
Ok… I’m gonna go catch my breath now…..
I have to say, I dont agree with most of this stuff, but thats probably just because I love Legolas in general. You know you did a good job on these when if you love the person who they are making fun of, but you laugh, then I know you did a good job. and *clap* I laughed! Good job!
This is disgusting really Tolkien would be truning around in his grave if he had read this
You certainly made me laugh! I think these are made for the fun of it, I don’t think they’re intended in any way to insult nor disdain Tolkien’s work. Cassie I think all of the parodies are great and I had my fare share of laughs. I hope you keep writing some more of them 🙂
That was funny…. I had to make myself stop laughing to type this…but I think I’m going to read some more now…hahahahahaha !
No he wouldn’t. He’d be laughing his guts out.
This parody is one or the more… Humorous out there, but well done. I just wish the first few enteries contained more… Substance.
Eomer looks like an aardvark?
Watch this then read the description
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSXrD2zBZTs&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I think this turned out fairly well. However, it’s obvious that some readers need to take the fanfiction creed that states- “If you don’t like, you don’t read or leave hateful comments.” t’s not necessarily how I would describe Legolas, but it’s a parody and he’s supposed to be out of character.
Hmm funny but Legolas is my favorite character in lotr so I find it insulting but if it was about someone other then Legolas I would love it!
LOL so mabey Aragorn din’t need to brush up on his elvish, Legolas did say that LOLOLOLOL wuv this
Lol. usually i might try to defend Legolas, but i’m laughing too hard. these are great. lol.
These parodies are amazing :))) I absolutely love the connections between diaries – e.g. the thing that Legolas said to Aragorn in elvish and how he interpreted it. All is lovely, thanks!! really good laughs here.
Omg…. lololololololololololololol…….. I have literally flooded my room with my tears of mirth
HAHAHA this was great ive read fanfic that is very much like this
The link for the YouTube clip doesn’t work.
That was funny and he is very cute. Amin mela lle I love you Orlando bloom thatis all I have to say
Favorite parts of this:
“Note to self: never date Gandalf.”
“Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.”
And Haldir’s weave!
I LOVED IT.
Lol…
LOVE IT. DO NOT STOP WRITING!!!!!
He IS the prettiest… BY FAR!!!
Lol great job. I LOVE Legolas, but this was hilarious.
Awesome job! I loved it.
-Endenwen
My dad’s wondering why I just fell off of my chair laughing/crying. LOL
i loved how Legolas always worrying about being prettiest! Legolas is awesome though, but i cant stop laughing!!
I completely agree with Zazu, cause Tolkien would absolutely hate these. In the books and movies Legolas isn’t girly. Just because he has long hair and looks awesome doesn’t mean he is girly. Also Tolkien didn’t write the books so everyone was gay. I can see why someone would think this is funny, but honestly I’ve read better.
“Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
I found this funny but the majority of my heart was crying at this misconception of Legolas…
He’s the height of awesomeness. I am a Legolas fangirl (but not the extreme kind), and so it was a little disheartening to see that he’s being made out to be a gay/girly man.
I understand why some people are annoyed with this, but I am reading it as a joke on the movies. Of course, if they were based on the book, I would not be happy, but you can tell through the events that it’s based on the movies.
Therefore, I will enjoy it as it is intended. 🙂
That was very amusing.
(Still the prettiest)
Thank you Zazu!!! Finally someone with a brain and a sense of morality.
My fav line:
On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.
hahah!!!