Things That Were, Things That Are, And Some Things That Should Have Been!

The Return of the King

A Parody by Lyekka

Part One

500 + years before:

Deagol- Oh, look a pretty ring.
Smeagol- I want it, give it to me or die.
Deagol- NO!
Smeagol- Then die. *kills Deagol*

Outside Mordor:

Frodo- (annoyed because he can’t sleep) Nobody would care if I smothered Sam. I could just blame it on the Ring…..or Gollum-
(Just then Gollum pop’s up)
Gollum- WAKE UP!
Frodo- Damn!
Sam- Did you get any sleep, Mr. Frodo?
Sam- Why not?
(Frodo moves hand to hilt of Sting)
Gollum- Come on, let’s go.
Sam- Not until I’ve…..Uh…I mean, Mr. Frodo’s had something to eat.
Frodo- I’m not hungry.
Sam- YAY! More for me.


Frodo- snore
Sam- I’ll pretend to be asleep and see if Gollum is stupid enough to loudly tell himself his plan to kill us and take the ring.
Gollum- *loudly tells himself his plan to have the hobbits killed and then take the Ring*
Sam- I knew it! You mean to murder us. *violently beats Gollum with cast iron frying pan*
Frodo- *waking* Sam, stop that.
Sam- I heard him say he was going to murder us.
Gollum- I never said, I was going to do it!
Frodo- See, Sam? You were mistaken.
Sam- But……fine.

Helm’s Deep, after the battle….again:

Legolas- Where did all the elves go?
Aragorn- What elves?
Gandalf- Lets go to Isengard.
Aragorn+Legolas+Gimli- OK!
Theoden- Now?…..Uh……Don’t you want to bathe first and wash off all that blood, sweat and dirt?
Aragorn- Why?


Merry- (Legolas style) Aragorn approaches.
Pippin- What makes you think Aragorn’s coming here?
Merry- I can smell him.
Pippin-……..I think that smells from the decomposing Orcs in the-
(Just then Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Theoden, Eomer and people who aren’t important enough to have names arrive)
Aragorn- Hi, my little midget friends.
Merry- See?
Pippin- Hi, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf.
Legolas- Mae Govannen.
Gimli- What’s up?
Gandalf- *grunt*
Legolas- Wow, moving tree’s, lets go say hello.
Gandalf- They did do ALL the work here.
Merry- We helped ya-know.
Eomer- (to Merry) We’ve never met, but I’m sure you’ll be comfortable riding with me.
Merry- ….Uh…
Eomer- Good, hold on tight little guy.
Pippin- Can I ride with you, Gandalf?
Gandalf- No, you ride with Aragorn.
Pippin- But he smells….
Aragorn- Ha ha, we can jest later little Merry.
Pippin- PIPPIN!
Aragorn- ……Right, hop on!
Pippin- Gross! You could have at least washed some of the blood off.

A bit later:

Gandalf- Hallo! Hallo!
Wormtongue- ‘Allo! Who is zis?
Gandalf- It is Gandalf the White, and these are the riders of the Riddermark. Who’s tower is this?
Wormtongue- This is the tower of Saruman of many colours.
Gandalf- Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Eru with a sacred quest. I even got a nifty staff *holds up staff*
Wormtongue- Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen… Uh, he’s already got a staff, you see?
Gandalf- What?
Gimli- He says he’s already got one!
Gandalf- I know he’s got one.
Wormtongue- Oh, yes, it’s very nice-a.
Gandalf- Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
Wormtongue- Of course not! You are English types-a!
Gandalf- Well, what are you then?
Wormtongue- I’m French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly wizard?
Gimli- What are you doing in Middle-Earth?
Wormtongue- Mind your own business!
Gandalf- If you will not get your master, we shall take this tower by force.
Wormtongue- You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Gandalf-wizard, you and all your silly English riderz.
Gimli- What a strange person.
Gandalf- Now look here, you witless worm.
Wormtongue- I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food throw-upper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Gimli- Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Wormtongue- No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a.
Gandalf- Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable.
Wormtongue- *mutter* I’ll show you.
Gandalf- If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-
(Just then Wormtongue throws the Palantir out window)
Palantir- *woosh* Wee!
Gandalf- Jesus Christ! Run away!
(They do)
Palantir- HELP! I’m headed for a pool of water.
Pippin- I’ll save it! *does*
Palantir- Thanks!
Gandalf- Give that to me.
Pippin- But I saved it?
Gandalf- Well, I’m bigger then you are Imp.
Pippin- That’s not very fair.
Gandalf- Oh, well!
(From somewhere up in the tower)
(The company leaves Isengard and heads for Edoras)


Legolas- The stars are veiled.
Aragorn- What does that mean?
Legolas-……….The stars are veiled.
Aragorn- Yes, but what does it mean?
Legolas- ….Uh… The dark lord is searching for his Ring.
Aragorn- Duh!
Everyone Else- SNORE
Pippin- I wanna look at that big black ball.
Merry- hee hee, I bet.
Pippin- Huh?
Merry- I mean that’s a bad idea, Pippin. I’m sure it’s evil or something.
Pippin- Yeah, you’re probably right. But it was very polite. Said ‘thanks’ when I saved it.
Merry- Oh look, there’s a nasty poisonous looking spider on it. *points to large spider*
Pippin- I should kill it before it bite’s Gandalf.
(Pippin kills the spider, but in the process accidentally touches the Palantir)
Aragorn- I mean, when you say something like ‘the stars are veiled’ it should at least make sense, right?
Legolas- …….Uh……
Gandalf- Fool of a Brandybuck, stop yelling! *picks up Merry and tosses him across the room*
Merry- AAAAaaahhhhhh *thud* OW!
Gandalf- (seeing Pippin) ……Oh, Fool of a Took!
Pippin- Gandalf, I’m sorry, it was an accid-
Gandalf- SILENCE! Now we must ride to Minas Tirith.
Pippin- Why do I have to go?
Gandalf- Because it’s likely the city which will be attacked and every mortal in it will be killed.
Pippin- So why do I …….Oh….Can Merry come?
Gandalf- Will you miss him?
Pippin- Yes!
Gandalf- Then NO! HA HA HA
Merry- Here take my stash. I think the cops are on to me man.
Pippin- Sweeeeet!
Merry- Don’t smoke it all.
Gandalf- Go, Shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste.
Shadowfax- Haste? According to Webster’s haste means-
Shadowfax- Okie-dokie.
Gandalf- …and stop with the stupid sound effects.
Shadowfax- That’s not me.


Elrond- It’s so peaceful without all those elves around. Finally, I can walk around naked.
Arwen- *running up she dramatically throws her expensive cloak to the ground* Daddy!
Elrond- (naked) Blast, I thought I got rid of you.
Arwen- What have you foreseen?
Elrond- (naked) You’re gonna die.
Arwen- But there is also life. I saw my son.
Elrond- (still naked) You’re giving up your chance to sail West because you had a daydream?
Arwen- It was real. I foresaw it.
Elrond- (yep, still naked) Nothing is certain.
Arwen- Some things are certain.
Elrond- (it’s really gross) That doesn’t make sense.
Arwen- But it was a really good line…………Oh, I’m cold.
Elrond- (seriously gross) Me too.
Arwen- I see.
Elrond- Huh? Oh, yeah! (puts on robe) The life of the Eldar is leaving you.
Arwen- Really? Hadn’t noticed! …..If I leave him now, he’ll hook up with that skanky shieldmaden and I will regret it forever.
Elrond- Leave who?
Arwen- Aragorn, daddy, pay attention.
Elrond- Oh, him again.
Arwen- From the ashes a fire shell be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be that blade that was broken: The crownless again shall be king.
Elrond- Huh???
Arwen- Reforge the sword daddy. Give him the sword of the king.
Elrond- Oh! Well, why didn’t you just say that? It’s damn luckily that the only elves left in Rivendell are the blacksmiths.
Arwen- That’s because that lot’s not wanted in Valinor daddy.

Horse Ride:

(Gandalf and Pippin are still riding to Minas Tirith. They pass a sign that say’s ‘Welcome to the Realm of Gondor’)

Gandalf- We’ve just passed into the realm of Gondor.
Pippin- Yeah, thanks Legolas, I saw the sign back there.
Gandalf- Look, Minas Tirith!
Pippin- Minas Tirth!
Shadowfax- Minas Tirth!
Gandalf- Wait, we already did this bit in The Two Towers.
Pippin- Bugger!
(They enter city and head for the Citadel ………… la la la…………….They finally get to the top)
Gandalf- (to Pippin) Don’t tell the Steward that Boromir’s dead.
Pippin- OK!
(They enter Citadel)
Gandalf- Denethor!
Denethor- My son is dead.
(Gandalf hits Pippin on head with staff)
Pippin- Hey, I didn’t tell him.
Denethor- My life is meaningless now. *sulk*
Pippin- Sucks for you.
Denethor- Hey, you’re supposed to offer to serve me since my son died protecting you.
Pippin- Screw that, it’s not my fault the dumbass didnt use his shield. Besides, he didnt do a very good job ‘protecting’ me, now did he?
Gandalf- *hits Pippin with staff* FOLLOW THE SCRIPT HOBBIT!
Pippin- Bloody hell! FINE! I’ll fight for you.
Denethor- Better yet, you can stay and watch me eat.
Pippin- That doesn’t sound so bad.
Denethor- You wouldn’t think.
Gandalf- MOVE FOOL! *hits Pippin on head with staff again*
Pippin- OW!
Gandalf- You must defend your city against Mordor, Steward.
Denethor- But they haven’t attacked yet.
Gandalf- Steward! Steward! Steward!
Denethor- You mean to supplant me and put that smelly ranger in my place.
Gandalf- And? (to Pippin) Let’s go.
(As they leave Gandalf shouts on last ‘Steward’ at Denethor and slams the doors shut)
Gandalf- Pippin my brave lad, I need you to do me a tiny little favor.
Pippin- Sure Gandalf, anything.
Gandalf- Good! Now clime all the way up the side of the mountain and light the beacon on the tower at the top.
Pippin- You want me to clime up the mountain, but what if I fall?
Gandalf- I’m a wizard, I will use my magic to safely float you to the ground.
Pippin- If you’re such a great wizard, why cant you just light the beacon with your magic?
Gandalf- Because that would be too easy and then what would be the point of adding this scene to the movie?
Pippin- What?
Gandalf- Just do it.
Pippin- (reluctantly) OK!
(He runs off and climes the side of the mountain. Though he has a rather nasty headache, no shoes, nor has Merry’s skill at lighting fires, he succeeds. The fire quickly spreads and Pippin has to clime down the mountain the way he climbed up. He had hoped Gandalf would finally use his powerful wizard ‘magic’ and help him down. However, Gandalf has run off to see if the other beacons are being lit and forgets all about poor Pippin stuck on top of the tower)

(Unnecessarily long scene in which every beacon from Gondor to Rohan is lit)


Aragorn- Pretty fire, I’m sure that means something…… I’ll go ask the ‘king.’
(He runs off)
Theoden- (sitting with a group of men and Merry) Do you have any Kings, little hobbit?
Merry- Go fish!
Theoden- Damn!
Aragorn- (childishly runs in waving arms around) FIRE! FIRE! We’re in a wooden city! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!
Theoden- Fire?
Aragorn- Yes! On the mountain, a FIRE!
Merry- I didn’t do it!
Eomer- It’s the beacons! Gondor calls for aid!
Aragorn- ……….Yes! That’s what I meant. Gondor calls for aid. We must ride now.
Theoden- Why should we? I’ll most likely die.
Aragorn- You’re a ‘king,’ you can’t die, remember?
Theoden- ……Oh yeah! Okay, everyone pack up. We’re going to WAR!
Everyone- Again?
Eomer- Uncle, shouldn’t we meet at Dunharrow first? You know, gather troops.
Theoden- ……….Right, everyone we’re going to Dunharrow first.
Eowyn- Can I go?
Theoden- Only as far as Dunrow.
Eowyn- Dunharrow.
Theoden- …..What about it?
Merry- Theoden king, may I be your esquire?
Theoden- Will you take and oath to serve Rohan, FOREVER?
Merry- …..Um…..sure.
Theoden- Then of course. I needed a new servant anyway. I forgot to let my old one out of the dungeons at Helm’s Deep. No matter. I’m sure someone will find him, sooner or later. But you’ll make a fine servant. Like my own little monkey. Now go wash all the horse s*** out the stables then prepare to depart.
(A bit later they leave Edoras)
Aragorn- (to Merry) Now who’s the smelly one, huh?
Merry- *grunt*

Minas Tirith:

Pippin- Neat, a sward and a spiffy uniform, that’s just my size. I wonder how they made it so fast?
Gandalf- Do you mind? Cant you see that I’m trying to be all dramatic by standing alone and looking out into the ever growing darkness and gloom?
Pippin- Is there any hope, Gandalf? For Frodo?
Gandalf- No!
Pippin- What about Sam?
Gandalf- Maybe!
Pippin- Damn! What about for us?
Gandalf- Well, I stand a chance because I’m the greatest Sorcerer in the world-
Harry Potter- Albus Dumbeldore is the greatest sorcerer in the world!
Gandalf- What?
Pippin- I didn’t say anything.

Meanwhile at Minas Morgul:

Gollum- Look, stairs.
Frodo- Look, scary evil city of undead Nazgul that want the Ring……must… go… ring… doorbell.
Gollum+Sam- NO!
Frodo- Just joking, lets get climbing up these steep stairs into an almost certain trap.
(They do)


Men- Orcs are attacking! RUN!
Faramir- To Minas Tirith!
(Everyone cowardly runs away from the battle back towards Minas Tirith. Nazgul on weird dragon things attack them half way there. Suddenly, Gandalf appears ridding Shadowfax and for some reason, he has Pippin with him)
Pippin- Why am I here, again?
Gandalf- Bait!
Pippin- What?
Faramir- Help!
Gandalf- I’ll save you!
Pippin- Riiight!
Faramir+Company- *gasp*
Pippin-You’ve got to be kidding me. A spotlight?
Nazgul- NOOOOOO! Not the spotlight!
(Nazgul flee)
Pippin- (confused) What just happened?

Meanwhile in Minas Tirith:

Random Person #1- LOOK! Captain Faramir and company are running away from the battle.
Random Person #2- LOOK! Nazgul on weird dragon things.
Random Person #3- STRIKE!
Random Person #2- There goes that blasted wizard saving the day again.
(Gandalf, Faramir and company enter city)
Faramir- There were to many of them. We had to run.
Man #25- We’re DOOOOOOOMED!!!
Gandalf- Oh, shut up!
(Faramir sees Pippin and stare’s at him)
Pippin- Quite rude really, considering the size of his nose.
Gandalf- (to Faramir) You’ve seen one of these things before?
Faramir- A few days ago.
Pippin- Things?
Gandalf- Faramir, tell me everything.
(Faramir apparently tells Gandalf everything)


Gollum- Come on hobbits.
Frodo- How much farther? I need to rest.
Gollum- Long way, no place to rest.
Sam- Oh lookie, there’s some flat rocks we can sleep on.
Frodo- How convenient!
(They clime over to the conveniently placed flat rocks. Sam has trouble getting plump bum over)
Gollum- By the way master, fat hobbit wants your-
Frodo- *interrupting* Shh! I know .
Gollum- …Ring.
Frodo- ….Oh, that….um…thanks for the warning.
Gollum- I got your back.

Later in a completely made up movie scene:

Frodo- snore
Gollum- I’ll just steal the food and say fat hobbit ate it.
(Does so)
Sam- *waking* What are you up to?
Gollum- Not much, you?
Sam- Frodo, wake up!
Frodo- *waking* I’m hungry!
Sam- …..NOOOOOO! The foods gone. NOT THE FOOD! NOOOOO!
Frodo- What happened to it, Sam?
Sam- He took it. *points to Gollum*
Gollum- No! He took it. *points back at Sam*
Sam- No, Mr. Frodo, I made a promise ‘Don’t you eat all the food Samwise Gamgee’ and I haven’t.
Gollum- Then why after walking for months and eating very little have you been the only one that seems to be getting fatter?
Frodo- Yeah Sam, why?
Sam- I’m not fat, I’m big boned. Gollum’s just trying to turn you against me.
Frodo- No, Sam its you.
Sam- Well, FINE! Screw you guys, I’m going home!
Frodo- Fine! Go on get! *shoes him away like a stray dog*
(Frodo and Gollum start climbing up the stairs again. Sam breaks down crying over the loss of the food)

Minas Tirith:

(Denethor, Pippin, Faramir and some other guys are standing in the Citadel)
Denethor- (to Pippin) Bow down and swear an oath to serve me forever, halfling.
Pippin- I swear an oath to serve you as long as you live.
Denethor- Good! Now stand there and look adorable while I send my son off to die.
(Pippin does as ordered)
Denethor- (to Faramir) You let the Orcs over take Osgiliath.
Faramir- They had large rocks.
Denethor- Your bother would have stopped them.
Faramir- Do you wish I was dead?
Denethor- Oh, don’t be such a drama queen.
Faramir- Fine! I’ll take Gondor’s best soldiers to be slaughtered without mercy just before they’ll be needed most.
Denethor- Go then, and son…
Faramir- Yes…….father?
Denethor- How do you feel about fire?
Faramir- Huh???
(He leaves)
Denethor- Bring me food, minions, then leave.
(They do)
Denethor- Can you sing, halfling?
Pippin- Yes, what would you like to hear?
Denethor- Something to set the mood.
Pippin- Okay…..(upbeat music plays Monty Python: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life)
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…
And…always look on the bright side of life
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing* Always look on the light side of life
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing*
If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle
-that’s the thing
And…always look on the bright side of life
Denenthor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing* Come on, always look on the bright side of life
Denethor- *Whistle*

Meanwhile- (Faramir has gathered the best soldiers he could find and leads them out of the city)

Back in Citadel:

Pippin- *singing*
For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it’s your last chance anyhow
– So always look on the bright side of death
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing* -Just before you draw your terminal breath
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing*
Life’s a piece of shit, when you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see it’s all a show, people laughin as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

Meanwhile- (Orcs laugh at soldiers pathetic attempt to retake the city. Orcs aim, they shoot, they score!)

Back in Citadel again:

Pippin- *singing* Always look on the bright side of life…
Denethor- That was nice.
Pippin- Thanks!
Denethor- You really do have a lovely voice.
Pippin- Umm…..thanks!
Denethor- *staring at Pippin* Soooo pretty.
Pippin- *wimper*

Meanwhile- (Gandalf sits by himself thinking about all the powers he doesn’t have and how maybe he shouldn’t beat people with is staff all the time)

Meanwhile- (Orcs and trolls and wargs, oh my! Roll out their weapons and head for Mines Tirith)


Theoden- Finally here.
Aragorn- YAY!
Theoden- Someone summon my hobbit, my hot sweaty feet could use a good rubbin.

Later: In the middle of the night

(Aragorn is asleep)
Aragorn- *wakes up* What the hell? *grabs knife and tries to stab man*
Man- Sir, the king wants to see you in his tent.
Aragorn- Again?
(He goes. He knocks on tent)
Aragorn- Knock knock.
Theoden- Enter!
(He does. Theoden is standing next to a mysterious clocked person)
Theoden- You have a visitor. I’m going to wake my hobbit and have him wash out my chamber pot.
(He leaves. Clocked person turns around to reveal…….Elrond of Rivendell)
Everyone- *gasp*
Elrond- Arwen is dying. Her fate is now tied to the Ring.
Aragorn- How is that possible? It doesn’t make sense.
Elrond- No, it really doesn’t. But that’s the way it is, so work with it.
Aragorn- Is that all?
Elrond- No, I also brought you your sword. *dramatically pulls sward from cloak*
Aragorn- It’s about time! *swish* Cool!
Elrond- Become who you were born to be or you can’t marry my daughter.
Aragorn- Aww!
Elrond- You also have to go through the Paths of the Dead.
Aragorn- AWWWWWW!!!


Aragorn- This sucks.
Eowyn- I love you.
Aragorn- No, you don’t. Go away crazy woman.
(She runs away crying)
Legolas- Never fear, the elf and dwarf are here.
Aragorn- You can’t come.
Gimli- You can’t leave us behind. We’re the last of the Fellowship.
Legolas- Are we?
Gimli- Uh……I think so.
Aragorn- I seems like we’re forgetting someone.
(They think)
Gimli- Nope!
Legolas- It’s just us. So we have to stick together.
Aragorn- Fine come, but it’ll be SCARY.
Legolas- Elves do not fear death! A bleach drought maybe, but not death.
(They leave)
Merry- Where did everyone go?
Eowyn- They left you.
Merry- Those a**holes left me AGAIN? Oh, that’s real nice. Some f****** fellowship we are!
Eowyn- It’s okay, we can always sneak into the battle. Then later when they find our dead bloody bodies, they’ll feel really guilty for trying to leaving us behind and saying all those mean things. Won’t they? HA HA HA
Merry- *backing away* You’re kind of crazy!
Eowyn- Wanna play dress-up?
Merry- Sure!
(They go)

The Paths of the Dead:

Aragorn- We’re here!
Legolas- The sign says we can’t enter.
(They enter)
Gimli- It smells like rancid milk in here.
Legolas- Maybe we should walk in front of Aragorn then.
Dead People- Grrrrrrr
Legolas- Eeeeeek *jumps into Gimli’s arms*
Dead People- Go away!
Aragorn- You must come fight with us.
Dead People- Why should we?
Aragorn- Because the fact that we win the war by ourselves in the book, wont be believable in the movie.
Dead People- But the fact that you recruit an army of ghosts will?
Legolas- It worked in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Dead People- Good point.
Aragorn- So will you help?

Minas Tirith again:

(Horse rides through gate dragging nearly dead Faramir)
Denethor- My son is dead.
Pippin- No, he’s still alive. He just needs medicine.
Denethor- Not, that one. Boromir!
Pippin- Oh, then yeah, your son’s real dead. *acts out Boromir getting shot with arrows*
(Denethor sees army of 100,000 Orcs right outside the city)
Everybody- YAY!
Gandalf- *knocks Denethor out with staff* PREPARE FOR BATTLE!
Everybody- Aww man!
Pippin- I thought you weren’t going to beat people with your staff anymore, Gandalf.
(Gandalf hits Pippin with staff)
Gandalf- How are we supposed to fight these things?
Everyone- *silence*
Pippin- ………We could shoot rocks at’em…
Gandalf- Anybody?
Everyone- *silence*
Pippin- *continue* …That’s what hobbits would do. Of course, they would have to be really big rocks, wouldn’t they?…
Gandalf- Nobody?
Everybody- *silence*
Gandalf- We’re screwed!
(Gandalf, listen to Pippin)
Gandalf- He hasn’t said anything.
(He said you should shoot rocks at the Orcs)
Gandalf- No, he didn’t.
(Scroll up)
Gandalf- Oh…….Well, I thought we were all supposed to ignore him.
(That’s Sam)
Gandalf- Oh, right…
Pippin- *continue*….I mean the city does have those giant slingshot things. I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re for. To bad you knocked out Denethor, we could’ve asked him…
Gandalf- Rocks? That’s a stupid idea. This isn’t some hobbit holiday. Real men don’t throw rocks in a war.
Gandalf- Oh sorry…..Great idea…….uh…..LOAD THE ROCKS!
Pippin- *continue* …I know he needed to be knock out, but still. Oh well, it’s not like anyone listens to me anyway-
(Pippin, stop talking)
Pippin- Huh? What? Who said that?
(Giant slingshot battle ensues)


Theoden- Let’s go!
Eowyn- Can I go?
Theoden- No, now go knit something, woman.
Merry- Can I go?
Theoden- No, you stay here and bury all the dead people from Helm’s Deep..
Merry- *sigh*
Theoden- Do you like puzzles master hobbit?
Merry- Sorta…
Theoden- Good, cuz some of the bodies are in pieces and you’ll need to put’em back together.
Merry- Ewww! Why can’t I go with you?
Theoden- Because if you die then you get out of your oath to serve me.
Merry- What if you die?
Theoden- Like that’ll happen.
(Everyone leaves)
Eowyn- Come hobbit, I’ll dress like a man and we can sneak into the battle.
Merry- OK!
(They do)



Things That Were, Things That Are, And Some Things That Should Have Been!

The Return of the King

A Parody by Lyekka

Part Two

Cirith Ungol:

(Gollum and Frodo climb up to a large creepy cave)
Gollum- We’re here!
Frodo- It looks like a trap.
(He enters)
Frodo- What’s that smell?
Gollum- …..Orc poo!
Frodo- It smells like this guy I know.

A few minutes later:

Frodo- The walls are sticky! What is it?……..Gollum?………Gollum?………..GOLLUM???
Gollum- (from somewhere far away) I led you into a trap.
Frodo- It’s a trap?
Gollum- You really aren’t the brightest hobbit in the Shire, are you?
Frodo- ???
(Just then Frodo hears a noise behind him)
Frodo- Hello?
(He take’s out the elven flashlight Galadriel gave him and sees a……dun dun dun…. Giant SPIDER)
Frodo- Whew! I thought with my luck it’d be a giant bunny.
(The giant spider starts running toward him)
Frodo- Oh s***
(He runs. He trips over some stuff. He falls down a few times. He runs some more. He runs right into a web and gets stuck. The giant spider is about to catch up with him. He gets out just in time. Runs for the exit. He makes it out. He falls again. Gollum jumps on him. They fight. Frodo wins. Gollum plays the feel sorry for me card. It works. Gollum attacks Frodo again. Frodo throws Gollum over cliff into black abyss. Frodo falls down and has ‘lack of weed and mushroom’ induced vision of Galadriel helping him up. He gets up. He starts walking again. He trips over a rock. He gets up and moves on. Giant spider slips out secret exit and stalks Frodo for a few very creepy minutes)
Frodo- La la la, I should look up, but I wont.
(Giant spider stings him and starts rolling him up like a fat joint)
Sam- (coming out of nowhere) Drop him!
(Giant spider does. Frodo’s drops five feet and lands with a thud)
Sam- Oops. I’m gonna kill you giant spider!
(He doesn’t. He only hurts her)
Sam- *running to Frodo* Frodo?
Frodo- (silence——-)
Sam- You’re dead! NOOOOO! Then I’m coming with you.
(He picks up Sting and means to follow Frodo into the afterlife when he notices that the blade is glowing. He takes the Ring and abandons Frodo to be discovered by Orcs)
Orc#1- *finding Frodo* Look! Is it dead?
Orc#2- No, any idiot can see it’s still breathing.
Sam- (from hiding spot) Oop’s, shoulda checked to see if he was breathing.
(Orcs take Frodo. Sam follows)

Minas Tirith still at war:

(The lower levels of the city are burning)
Merry- I didn’t do it!
(Shh, your part’s coming up)
Merry- Well, hurry up then.
Orcs killed= 956
Men killed= 135
Hobbits killed= 0
Wizards killed= 0
People and Orcs Gandalf has hit with staff= 12,342.5

Up In The Tombs:

Denethor- Bring wood and oil. We’re gonna have a little BBQ.
Pippin- Yummy!
Denethor- You wouldn’t want what I’m cooking.
Pippin- Don’t be so sure. I haven’t had a proper meal in weeks.
Denethor- I’m cooking me…and Faramir.
Pippin- Well, with a little salt….
Denethor- You can’t eat me.
Pippin- Fine, then you can’t cook you.
Denethor- You cant stop me.
Pippin- Gandalf can!
Denethor- Oh, with his ‘magic’?
Pippin- Oh, please. He’ll just beat you unconscious with his staff again.
(Pippin does the only sensible thing a hobbit can do. He runs to tell Gandalf)


(Rohirrim FINALLY get to Minas Tirith.Theoden gives redundant and reptitive speech (ride now…ride now….ride now…etc..). Once he gets out of the way they fight)


Pippin- Gandalf, Denethor’s gonna burn himself and Faramir alive.
Gandalf- Yummy!
Pippin- He says we can’t eat them.
Gandalf- Rats, then I’ll stop him.
(He grabs Pippin and rides up to tombs)
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH
Gandalf- This scene was cut, go away! *throws rock at WKA*
Witch King of Angmar- OW! No matter, I’ll deal with you later. No man can kill me. I’m the baddest mofo there ever was!
(He leaves. Gandalf and Pippin enter tombs)
Gandalf- Steward, why are you doing this?
Denethor- I’m crazy, duh!
Faramir- I’m not dead yet….
Denethor- You, be quiet!
(Denethor sets the wood around pyre on fire. Gandalf then throws Pippin on burning pyre)
Pippin- What a jerk!
(Using his ‘hobbit strength?’ Pippin manages to roll Faramir and himself off onto the floor. Gandalf hits Denethor with staff. Denethor falls in fire. Denethor catches fire. Denethor runs outside to jump in water, trips over wall and falls to his death)
Gandalf- Oops!


(The battle on the field is still going on)
Eowyn- This is fun.
Merry- You’re f****** crazy, woman.
Eowyn- Look, Oliphaunts!
Merry- Who cares?
Eowyn- There heading right for us.
Merry- Then we should move.
Eowyn- I’m gonna run right at’em.
Merry- Not with me on the horse, let me off.
Eowyn- *holding him down* Silly hobbit!
(Oliphaunt trips and Eowyn and Merry fall off horse)
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH
(WKA fatally wounds Theoden’s horse Snowmane who rolls over on Theoden)
Theoden- Get off me, horse!
Snowmane- If I have to die, so do you old man! ha ha ha
Witch King of Angmar- (to weird dragon thing) We’re in the middle of a battle, but I guess we have time for you to eat this one guy.
Weird Dragon Thing- Yummy!
Theoden- AUGH!
Eowyn- Get away, he hasn’t signed the will yet.
(She kills weird dragon thing)
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH! That was my favorite weird dragon thing. Die!
Eowyn- I am no man! *takes off clothes* See?
Witch King of Angmar- What? I didn’t say you were.
Merry- *sneaks up behind WKA and stabs him in the knee……hey, he’s only a hobbit* Ah, my arm! *passes out*
Eowyn- Useless git. *stabs WKA herself*
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH! Killed by a hobbit and a naked women. They’re all gonna laugh at me. *dies*
Eowyn- Uncle?
Theoden- I’m not dead yet!
Eowyn- Will you sign the will now?
Theoden- My body is broken.
Eowyn- Are your fingers?
Theoden- No, just the rest of my body. So much pain, oh, the pain-
Eowyn- I don’t care! Sign the will.
Theoden- You have to let me go.
Eowyn- I will, just as soon as you sign.
Theoden- I go to my fathers, in who’s mighty company-
Theoden- Eowyn?
Eowyn- What?
Theoden- Eowyn?
Eowyn- What?
Theoden- Eowyn?
Eowyn- WHAT?
Theoden- Eowyn?
(Theoden dies)
Eowyn- NOOOOO! Now I’ll never be a queen!

Meanwhile up in the city:

Pippin- We’re gonna die!
Gandalf- You will!
Pippin- What’s it like?
Gandalf- What’s what like?
Pippin- Death?
Gandalf- How should I know?
Pippin- Because you’ve died….remember?
Gandalf- Oh, that…..well, death is…. great. White shores and everything, now shut up and leave me alone.

Meanwhile at the Docks:

(Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Dead People FINALLY show up in pirate ships)
Orcs- Ugh, I hate pirate impersonators! (to Orc #876) Hey, watch me kill this elf. I’ve been practicing three hours a day. *fights Legolas*
Legolas- *fighting orc* Why? Because you’re stupid and have nothing else to do?
Orcs- No! Well, yes actually, but I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a fake pirate, I can kill it.
Legolas- Hey, *fight* that’s *fight* like *fight* my *fight* line *kills orc* from that other movie I was in.
Gimli- Huh?
(They fight. More pointless humor between elf and dwarf, elf shows off a few times, dwarf tries, dead people easily kill bad guys, war’s over, biggest anticlimax of any battle in the entire trilogy)
Aragorn- (to dead people) Thanks, you saved our asses.
Dead People- Can we go now?
Aragorn- You shouldn’t have been here in the first place.
(Dead People leave)


Pippin- Can’t believe I didn’t die.
(He finds Merry)
Pippin- Merry?
Merry- I can’t believe you didn’t die either.
Pippin- Hey!…..Well, you look like you’re about to.
Merry- I’m okay! I thought stabbing the Witch King was supposed to almost kill me or something, but *shrug* guess not!
Pippin- YAY!
Merry- YAY!
(They sing)
Merry- Ding Dong! The Witch-King’s dead.
Pippin- Which old Witch-King?
Merry- The Wicked Witch-King!
Pippin- Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch-King’s dead….
(Everyone ignores naked Eowyn beating Theoden’s body with the unsigned will)

Meanwhile in Citadel:

(Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Eomer are trying to figure out what to do next)
Legolas- What to do next?
(After a long period of silence)
Aragorn- So…….Frodo must be getting close to Mt. Doom by now, huh?
Gandalf- He’ll never get to the Mountain of Fire with Sauron’s army in Mordor.
Eomer- Whatca guys talkin about? Who’s Toto?
Gimli- Didn’t anybody think about that before now?
Gandalf- Well, we were busy with other matters. You know, preoccupied and stuff.
Legolas- A diversion!
Gilmi- Not yet, Legolas.
Legolas- Oh, sorry.
Eomer- Hello? Anyone?
Aragorn- What do you suggest, Gandalf?
Gandalf- You have two choices. You can stay here and wait for Sauron to send an even bigger army to kill you all. Or, you can march up to the Black Gate and ask to fight.
Aragorn- That’s suicide!
Gandalf- Yep!
Gimli- …….So are choices are death or death?
Gandalf- Yep!
Gimli- I’d rather have cake!
Gandalf- *sigh* We all would Gimli, we all would. But as long as Sauron’s Eye is watching his massive army slaughter you lot, then Frodo can safely get to the Crack’s of Doom.
Aragorn- So…..again, what do you suggest, Gandalf?
Gandalf- Ride to the Black Gate and keep the Eye off of Frodo.
Legolas- A diver-
Gandalf- *interrupting* Sort of a diversion.
Legolas- HEY! You stole my line!
Gandalf- You’ve said it four times already.
Aragorn- We’re all gonna die!
Eomer- (Scottish accent) Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
Gandalf- I do cuz I’m immortal, ha ha ha! COME! Tonight we ride to Mordor, and WAR!
Aragorn- But I’m so close to finally being king *pout*
Legolas- (Scottich accent) I love ya, always have.
(Everyone looks at the elf)
Legolas- Well, I wanted to quote Braveheart too!


(Sam has to go rescue Frodo from the Orcs)
Sam- I’m such an idiot!
Sam- Who said that?
(The Orcs have conveniently killed each other making it easy for Sam to rescue Frodo)
Sam- Frodo, your alive! You’re naked!
Frodo- You idiot! Why didn’t you check to see if I was breathing before assuming I was dead?
Sam- *staring at Frodo’s naked body* …….Huh?
Frodo- Why did they take my clothes, anyway?…….Hey, they took the Ring! YAY! It’s over!
Sam- …Um…I took it.
Frodo- Aww! Well, that means it’s yours now. Good luck with that! *starts to leave*
Sam- I don’t think so! You volunteered for this crap! Not even I’m that stupid!
Frodo- FINE! Give it back then.
Sam- Okay, lets go.
Frodo- Wait, I have to find my clothes.
Sam- Why?…….Oh, I mean… they are.
(Frodo gets dressed. They leave)


Frodo- Look at all those Orcs!
Sam- I think we’re screwed.
Frodo- Yep!


(Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Pippin, ‘Merry’, Eomer and a bunch of other unimportant people march up to the Black Gate of Mordor)

Back in Mordor:

Sam- Look, the Orcs are moving off!
Frodo- How convenient!


Frodo- AH, the bugs. Get’em off! Get’em off! *slaps at air*
Sam- Mr. Frodo you’re a tweaker? That does explain a lot.
Big Evil Creepy Fiery Eye- What’s that?
Sam- The Eye! Get down!
(They do)
Frodo- I hate CBS. More then bunnies, Sam! *mutter* Stupid Raymond! Not everybody loves you!
Sam- I know, Mr. Frodo, I know!


Sam- Climbing up this volcano sucks.
Frodo- Yep!
Sam- Do you remember stuff?
Frodo- No! Carry me, Sam.
Sam- ……..Uh……OK!
(He does)
Sam- Merry or Pippin wouldn’t carry you, Mr. Frodo.

Meanwhile at the Black Gate:

Gandalf- It’s closed!
Pippin- Well, duh!
Gandalf- Hey! I’ll make you ride with Aragorn.
Pippin- Well, he’s clean now so it doesn’t matter.
Aragorn- Knock knock, anybody home?
Random Person- Where did all our horses go?
Random Person #2- They just disappeared. Like magic!
(Gate opens. 10,000 Orcs come out)
Aragorn- Never mind, we’ll go home.
Gandalf- You’re supposed to be a brave king, Aragorn. Give your men a speech.
Aragorn- …..Um…A day may come when our courage fails. When we break all bonds of fellowship and run away. But it is not this day…
Random Man- Actually, for me it is this day *he runs away. Others follow him*
Aragorn- How come they get to leave?
Gandalf- Shut up!
Orcs- DIE!
Aragorn- This day we fight!…For TOTO…Uh….I mean FOR FRODO! *runs toward Orcs*
Hobbit’s- (trying to look scary run after him) GRRRR!
(Aww, that’s so cute….oh, sorry. Everyone else follows. They fight)
Moth- What’s up?
Gandalf- I thought I ate you!
Moth- You ate my brother, prepare to die!
Eagles- We’re here!
Legolas- The eagles are here!
Pippin- Shouldn’t I be knocked out for this?
(Nazgul and Eagles fight)

Meanwhile in Mordor:

Sam- Just a little further.
Gollum- *jumps on hobbits* DIE!
Frodo- I thought I killed you.
Gollum- Since when has falling into a black abyss killed anybody?
Frodo- I’m outta here. *runs in volcano leaving Sam to fight off Gollum alone*
Sam- What a jerk!
(Sam beats up Gollum then follows Frodo)
Sam- Frodo? It’s really hot in here, huh?
Frodo- …………………………
Sam- (slowly) What… are… you… waiting… for?
Frodo- Dramatic effect!
Sam- Thought so…
Frodo- …….The Ring is mine! Mwa-ha-ha-ha *puts on Ring and disappears*
(Gollum hits Sam over the head. Sam falls. Gollum jumps on invisible Frodo. Gollum bites off Frodo’s finger. Frodo reappears)
Frodo- OW!!!
Gollum- YAY! It’s mine!
Frodo- That was my favourite finger *pushes Gollum into lava* Oop’s, forgot he had the Ring!

Meanwhile outside the Black Gate:

Nazgul- SCREECH! The Ring is destroyed! SCREECH *they fly off*
Gandalf- I feel sick. Maybe I shouldn’t have eating that last moth.
(The tower of Barad-Dur falls. Mount Doom erupts)
Legolas- The tower falls! The volcano erupts!
Gandalf- Frodo’s dead then.
Everyone- Boo-hoo!

Mount Doom:

Sam- Let’s go sit on a rock and wait for the molten hot magma to slowly built up around us before we finally die a most horrible and painful death.
(They do)
Frodo- Well, the Rings gone, the worlds saved, and I still don’t think it’s worth me dying for.
Sam- I know, Mr. Frodo, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Frodo- Or the one *mutter* Stupid Star Trek!
Sam- I have been and ever shall be, your friend. Live long and prosper!
Frodo- That’s not funny, Sam. Still, if I have to die, I’m glad you’re going to die to, Sam.


(Not really)

Sam- Look, giant eagle!
Frodo- Quick, lay down and pretend to be passed out.
(They do)


Frodo- *waking* Whew! It was all just a dream and I still have all my fingers.
Gandalf- No, it wasn’t and you’re permanently disfigured.
Frodo- Aww! Gandalf?
Gandalf- Thats right, Gandlaf!…..NO WAIT! It’s ‘Gandalf the White now.’ I bet you’re wondering how I’m alive, huh? Well, through fire and water. From the low-
Frodo- ACTUALLY, I was wondering why every time I have a near death experience and wake up bathed in a really bright room, you’re there watching me sleep.
Gandalf- Uh……*glancy eye*
Frodo- It’s really creepy ya-know?
(Just then Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Sam run in and jump on Frodo)
Merry- Frodo!
Frodo- Merry!
Pippin- Frodo!
Frodo- Pippin!
Gimli- Frodo!
Frodo- Gimli!
Legolas- Frodo!
Frodo- ….Uh…You!
Aragorn- Frodo!
Frodo- Aragorn!
Sam- *sigh* Sam!


(Sorry not yet)

(Aragorn’s crowned King of Gondor)
Aragorn- YAY! I’m King of the World!
Elrond- You can marry my daughter now.
Aragorn- Oh…um…I don’t really want-
Elrond- *glare*
Aragorn- I mean YAY!
Faramir- What about me?
Aragorn- You can be Prince of Ithilien.
Faramir- YAY!
Eowyn- (to Faramir) So you’re a prince, huh?
Faramir- Yep!
Eowyn- Good enough for me. I’ll marry you!
Aragorn- Now everybody, GO HOME!
(They do)

Journey Home:

(The journey back to the Shire was long and boring. But the hobbit’s found ways of amusing themselves)
Pippin- *sneaking up behind Frodo* SCREEEEEECH
Frodo- *jumps 5ft. in the air* AAAAAHHHHHHHH! Stop doing that!
Merry- *points* A BUNNY WABBIT!
Frodo- Eeeeeek! HIDE!
Sam- There’s no bunny, Mr. Frodo!
Frodo- Whew!
Bunny- Hello!
Frodo- EEEEEEK *faints*
Sam- PIPPIN! Take off that stupid bunny costume!

The Shire:

Pippin- YAY! We’re home!
Sam- What happened to all the tree’s?
Frodo- What’s going on? It looks like they’ve been cut down.
Merry- Maybe Saruman has invaded the Shire.
Frodo- What?
Merry- Think about it. The war in Rohan didn’t go the way he planned, right? So he decided to invade the Shire and start another war. A war he new he could win.
Legolas- (in Mirkwood) A diversion!
Merry- A distraction!
Pippin- But the Shire posed no threat to him.
Merry- Vengance my friend, never needed a reason.
Frodo- Vengance?
Merry- Yes! He must be pretty pissed about Gandalf’s promotion, the destruction of Isengard, stealing his stash, destroying the Ring, downfall of the Dark Lord, saving the world and becoming a powerless old geezer crap.
Frodo- *laughing* That’s the most ridicules theory I’ve ever heard. What kind of person would start a war for those reasons?
Merry- A very bad, wicked, evil, retarded, power hungry man!
Hobbit’s- HA HA HA! Good one, Merry!
Merry- Hey, it could be true! There’s conspiracies and stuff, ya’ll don’t even know!
Sam- Let’s ask that old hobbit dude (to old hobbit dude) Hey, is an evil wizard occupying the Shire.
Old Hobbit Dude- Of course not young feller.
Sam- Then what happened here? Where’s all the trees?
Old Hobbit Dude- We done hadta cut’em down.
Sam- Why?
Old Hobbit Dude- Well, bout a year ago they all done caught fire.
Sam- How?
Old Hobbit Dude- Don’t rightly know. Folk say the fire started up in Farmer Maggot’s field. Done burnt up his crop then spread down here burnin as it goes. Twas the Great Burning of 3018.
Frodo- A fire, huh? In Farmer Maggot’s crop? About the same time we left the Shire?
Old Hobbit Dude- Yep!
(Hobbit’s turn and glare at Merry who has suddenly become fascinated with the clouds)
Merry- That one looks like a duck, neat.
Hobbit’s- MERRY!
Merry- It’s not my fault!
Hobbit’s- *glare*
Merry- It’s OK! Everything will grow back once Sam spreads his magic elven dirt around.
Sam- …….Uh…..about the dirt……I kinda left it in Mordor.
Galadriel- (form Lothlorien) WHAT?
Frodo- Oh, well!
Pippin- Yeah, lets go get drunk!
(They do)
Sam- I think I’ll get married
(He does and NO not to Frodo, you perv.)

The Shire a few years later:

Frodo- Well, I gotta go.
Sam- Where?
Frodo- Away from you.
Sam- Can I come?
Frodo- You have a wife and kids.
Sam- So?
Frodo- If you stay here, I’ll give you my house.
Sam- OK!

Later: Gray Havens

Galadriel- YAY! I get to go home.
Elrond- YAY! I get to see my wife.
Galadriel- Oh, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.
Elrond- You really think so?
Galadriel- NO!
Elrond- Hey! …….By the way, what happened to Frodo dying?
Galadriel- What do you mean?
Elrond- Well, you said he was going to die.
Galadriel- I never said that.
Elrond- Yes you did. You said ‘…the quest will claim his life.’
Galadriel- Well I……uh…..even the very wise cannot see all ends.
Gandalf- Hey, that’s my line!
Elrond- Whatever *mutter* Tell me I don’t have elvish wisdom you stupid *mutter mutter*
Galadriel- I curse the day my daughter married you.
Elrond- Oh, I’m not so bad, once you get to know me.
(Elrond Half-Elven and Galadriel the ‘all knowing’ elf-witch board the ship)
Galadriel- That cookie jokes getting really old ya-know.
(Their bickering can be heard by the hobbits outside saying good-bye to Bilbo)
Bilbo- Well, bye!
Hobbits- (sad) Bye
Gandalf- I get to go too. Bye!
Hobbits- (not sad) C-ya!
Gandalf- I will not say ‘do not weep’
Pippin- Um… you just said it though.
Hobbits- ….We’re not!
(Gandalf beats them with staff. Hobbits start to cry)
Gandalf- That’s better. Come along, Frodo.
(Frodo says good-bye to his friends…..and Sam)
Frodo- Bye my friends…..and Sam.
Merry+Pippin+Sam- Bye!
(Frodo leaves)

THE END……….Seriously
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