I am NOT a MARY SUE!

It happened one day that Aragorn and Legolas found themselves in a fanfic, together and alone. Of course, it could only mean two things. They exchanged a look.

“I’m not hopelessly attracted to you,” Aragorn pointed out.

“Neither am I,” said Legolas, breathing a sigh of relief. Then, the implications dawned upon him. “Oh no.”

At that moment, an orc host descended upon them for no reason at all. They fought hard but there looked as if there was no hope for them. Suddenly, arrows flew out of the woods (what woods?) around them. Each arrow flew true and killed each orc as they hit. However, both fellowship members were not relieved. Instead, they dreaded what was happening. They would rather be slain by orcs than to have such a fate befall them. They were going to meet a… MARY SUE.

Any moment now, any moment…

A horse burst out into the little clearing (what clearing?). To their utmost surprise, it was not a white elven horse ridden by some she-elf/half-elven princess/brave woman. It was a black stallion ridden bareback by a rider in a cloak of black. Maniacal laughter echoed in the little glade as the figure leapt off the horse and produced a pair of white long knives, somewhat like those that belonged to Legolas.

“Die, die!” called the figure in an androgynous voice as she leapt into the fray. “Die you foul creatures! Whatever the heck you are!”

Soon, the orcs were all dead or gone. Unfortunately, the figure still remained. She tossed off her hood to reveal long silver hair, pointy elf-ears and silver eyes as well as a stunningly beautiful face.

Aragorn sighed. “Let’s get this over with,” he said tiredly. “Hey, you.”

The girl turned to face him with a curious expression on her face.

“Who are you going after? Me or Legolas?”

Legolas shot him a glance. “It’s your turn,” he said flatly, giving Aragorn a pointed glare. “I dealt with the last Mary Sue.”

“Well, at least you’re not taken!”

“Excuse me,” interrupted the girl in a sweet voice. They both turned to her. “But what are you talking about?” Neither of the two males noticed the veiled irritation in her voice.

Aragorn looked over at Legolas. “You explain.”

“Fine.” The elf turned to the girl. “Care to tell us your name? No, wait. Just give a nickname for us to call you by since your name shall undoubtedly be long and elaborate due to the fact that you are a Mary Sue.”

The girl gave him an odd look. “My name is not long nor elaborate unless you add all the titles,” she explained patiently, as if speaking to a little child. “By my people, I am called Loranli Auromiel, the youngest of the elven princes in my father domain. I am not called Mary Sue.”

Clearly, Legolas was not listening. “Now, you can tell us your sob story. Every Mary Sue has a dark past.”

“As I have mentioned before, whoever you are, I am not called Mary Sue,” growled the girl. “And I have no ‘sob story’ to tell you, Master Elf! Obviously, you are not from my world. Elves are much more polite than you have been so far.” She spun with sudden fury, facing Aragorn. “And you, you mortal. What makes you think I’m interested in either of you? Really! Whatever world I’m in, the people sure are rude!”

Both Aragorn and Legolas stared at her in shock. “This is not right. You’re a Mary Sue. A perfect girl who will ‘save’ us all. Fair of face and sometimes an elf. Comes from another world. You fit the bill. You have to be a Mary Sue,” concluded Aragorn.

The girl’s jaw dropped. She turned away sharply, shoulders shaking. Peals of merry laughter burst from her. “You… you think I’m a girl!” he choked out between giggles. “And an elf, too!” He fell on the ground, rolling around in laughter. Suddenly, he rolled back onto his feet, a deadly light in his eyes. “In case you haven’t been listening, I’m a PRINCE. Meaning that I’m male. Secondly, I am not an elf, not by your or any other definition. Although I *am* from another world, I am NOT a MARY SUE. My name is Loranli Auromiel but you can call me Loran, if you wish. All I want to do is find the exit.”

With that, Prince Loran whistled for his horse and rode out of there, leaving the two LOTR males staring blankly at the space was he was last.

“But… she’s got to be a Mary Sue,” whispered Legolas faintly, vaguely. “I mean, since this is not slash and none of the others are here…”

“I am NOT A MARY SUE, Master Elf!” came Loran’s voice, sounding fairly distant. “You got me?! NOT A MARY SUE!”