Pelican Stop Market by j_mercuryuk
PELICAN STOP MARKET.
Co-written by Just Bob and j_mercuryuk
Disclaimer: I do not own ‘lord of the Rings’ or any of its characters, nor will I for the entirety of the series. However, if this changes, I’ll let you know by hiring a private detective to seek you out individually. In the meantime, let’s take it as read.
Chapter 1: The Good, The Bad, The Gorgeous, The Sexy, The Ugly, The Cute, The Elderly, The Gay and the other one.
For the first time since Middle Earth was last in peril (last Tuesday), the council room in Rivendell was full. Elves, dwarves, humans, hobbits, wizards, the Valar and a variety of other curious creatures (just to annoy the catering staff) had been invited by Lord Elrond. Of course all these ‘people’ had nothing better to do, so they came. Thranduil, (the king of Mirkwood) misguidedly believed that taking care of his kingdom was more important than running off to some party at Elrond’s. He instead sent his son, Legolas, who always seemed so good at these things.
Meriadoc Brandybuck had not intended to come. He was going to go fishing with Peregrin Took (because he’s always with Pippin), but got lost and ended up in Rivendell anyway.
Tom Bombadillo turned up, but he wasn’t invited so they threw him out. However his prancing and singing was so entertaining that the bouncers decided to keep him as a pet.
Aragon son of Arathorn arrived by the unusual method of bursting out of a birthday cake. He looked around in surprise and said “hang on a minute, this isn’t our bedroom!”
Elrond stood up “What are you doing Elessar?”
Aragon looked at him blankly. “Who? Oh, yes that is me. You see, well, I ….” Suddenly he leaped up, grabbed someone’s cloak (Yoink) and ran off. Bizarrely, nobody found this odd, although Arwen was very pleased. Boromir was also there, but rather, well……damp.
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion stood in one corner of the room, looking mysterious and drinking a mysterious and magical elf drink which bore a remarkable resemblance to champagne. He smiled his mysterious elf smile and keenly observed the goings-on.
As usual, Gandalf’s fireworks were on display, but they seemed rather shabby on this occasion. Maybe it was because he saw them every bloody time. He noticed Gandalf and Elrond talking and decided to listen in as he wondered how Gandalf could be inside while his fireworks went off outside.
“I noticed that these aren’t up to your usual standards, Mr Anderson!”
“I did warn you,” he replied assuming that Elrond had a reason for using such a strange name. “This is what you get when you try to book on such short notice. I can’t just magic things up you know.”
“Well, Mithrandir, actually-”
The White Wizard interrupted him. “I had to import cheap Uruk-Hai made products from Isengard.”
They were distracted by an Eagle Lord loudly complaining about the lack of live meat provided for the banquet. Once the fuss had died down and the Eagle Lord had flapped drunkenly outside to perch on a tree (as most people know, Eagles can’t handle their liquor).
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion’s attention turned to an approaching elf. At least, he looked like an elf, but his posture was slumped in a depressed and distinctly unselfish way.
“I have no particular reason to speak with you, but the plot will advance if I do, so I shall.”
//Speak then brother// Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion said in the Sindarin tongue.
He gave Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion the blankest of looks “Ya wot?”
“Do you not understand the speech of your own kin?” he exclaimed in surprise.
“Elvish, you mean? I am only a half-elf. I was brought up in a human village so I know nought about the elder and their ways.”
“Ah yes, my keen eyes see your inherent inferiority.”
“You mock me. Why do all you elves mock me? Those elves over there are laughing at me.” And indeed, when Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion looked behind the stranger, he saw a group of Mirkwood elves who kept glancing at him and sniggering. “All I did was tell them my name.”
“Then what is your name, peredhil?”
“No, not Pereyhil. It is Gaurbrith.” Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion fought the urge to grin, but failed.
“What’s so funny?”
The elf lord quickly changed the subject. “Since you have given me your name, I shall also introduce myself. I am Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, ruler of the high plains of Pal Palen.”
A hint of panic entered Gaurbrith’s voice. “Well, er, greetings Lord Kanolicky-” The elf lord draw his sword.
“It’s Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion,” he said menacingly. “TRY AGAIN, and do not fail this time.”
Gaurbrith was noticeable shaking. “I-I may struggle y-y-your lordship. You have a v-v-very complex name.” Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion’s sword rose and Gaurbrith gulped.
“Wisemen become skilled when they feel the touch the cold elven steel at their throats.”
Pulling together his courage and speaking very slowly, he managed to put the right syllables together (even in the right order). This seemed to satisfy the nobleman and he sheathed his intricately carved blade.
“So, why do you have such a long name?”
“Godfather was an Ent. My mother and father came to him as soon as they knew that she was with-child, but he still did not return with a name until I was 10 years of age. You have no idea what it is like to think you will forever be called ‘thingy’!” Feeling the need to strike out, he said: “You don’t have anything to brag about with your name.”
“What’s wrong with my name?”
But Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion did not even acknowledge his question and instead stared enigmatically into the middle-distance.
Just when Gaurbrith thought he would have to find another conversation partner, Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion said: “How did you come to be invited to this feast?”
“I know not. I was just out collecting fire-wood when this wizard named Gandalf rode up to me. Next thing I know, I was hopping behind him with a rope tied to my foot. He said it was for my own good; I needed to get out of this village and have an adventure.”
“He does that a lot,” said Bilbo, who just happened to be passing by at that moment.
All around the room, people were sitting down at the tables. Gimli was insistent on sitting between Galadriel and Legolas. Celeborn’s smile was getting rather strained, and he made a show of holding her hand and giving the occasional ‘little’ kisses. Of course, being an elf lord, he was far too subtle to glare threatening at Gimli. Of course Gimli, being a dwarf, didn’t take the hint.
Frodo was there with Frodo Junior, who will remain unexplained and unmentioned for the rest of this fanfic.
Sam was there with his wife, Rosie, and a whole herd of children, for whom no explanation is required.
The Ents, as usual, decided to eat standing up. The Valar did not go to a table: the table came to them.
When they were all seated, Elrond stood up to say grace.
“We thank ye Valar and your servants the maiar, who keep and protect us, and especially Yavanna for nourishing our crops.”
“Yer welcome, pet,” called Yavanna from the Valar table, which was already filled with food. Elrond sighed. “Let the feast begin!”
“So what exactly are we celebrating then?” Gaurbrith asked Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion (who coincidentally happened to be sitting next to him. Strange, that…) as food was laid on the table. The food didn’t last long on Merry and Pippin’s table and there were splats and shouts along the lines of “BEHAVE” and “Mind yeh manners” from Sam’s table
“I’m not entirely sure,” Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion said, reaching for some fruits. “I think it could be a wedding, or possibly a birth.”
“I thought it was a feast day,” said a ranger on Gaurbrith’s other side.
“Isn’t it Elrond’s birthday?” asked a Mirkwood elf from down the table.
Radegast the Brown’s voice came from across the hall. “A birthday? Does that mean I should have brought a present?”
This started a wide-spread and noisy debate across the hall. Violence was only averted because Manwe was getting a head ache, so he silenced them all. The Funereal atmosphere lasted until dessert, when the Valar allowed some music and many got up to dance.
Arwen and Aragon went to their room to continue the “conversation” about the cake.
Legolas went alone to the garden.
Boromir was by the lake, searching in his boat for his Van Brace.
Gimli was behind a pillar spying on Galadriel, while she pretended she didn’t know he was there.
Merry had fallen asleep in the hallway after drinking too many pints.
Pippin was looking for him.
Frodo was brooding over the loss of the ring in the library.
Sam was trying to put some of his children to sleep, while the others cling to his legs.
Gandalf had disappeared to somewhere mysterious…or possibly the toilet.
All in all, none could possibly know where the others were when….
A servant burst through the doors and shouted
“Find Elrond! Someone has just been found unconscious in either the bedrooms, gardens (including the lake), behind a pillar, in the hallway, the library or somewhere else!”
“Why are you saying that out here? It’s just us bouncers out here.”
“Hey, low, Tom Bombadillo…”
Within moments, Elrond was found, and he came into the banquet hall to calm the crowd with his findings.
“Stop the banquet! Somebody’s been poisoned!”
A servant behind him said “It’s worse then that; he’s dead Jim!”
63 Comments
Its good. what is whith Lord Kanara-thingy o by the way FIRST TO REVIEW (i hope)
woooo, cool story. how did you come up with Lord Kanolhachedhel-whatever? hope the next chappie gets posted soon! LOL great fic!
Ohh, me likey!!!! Muches!!!!! Keep it coming!
WOW! I dont usually post but that was really kool! continue it on pain of death! *smiles sweetly* (joke btw)
K—— does sound very Entish! Neat idea, a murder mystery in ME.
very funny.
very funny. good writing.
So far, it’s pretty good. Are there going to be more chapters? Who got poisoned? I was getting dizzy trying to read that really long elf name. Funny story though.
I’m putting this in reviews ’cause i’m not sure where else to put it. Has chapter two gone up? cause i tried to put i’m not sure if it worked or if they just haven’t got round to puttig up the seconded chappy. i don’t want to bud the moderaters wioth this question.
Just one question: when does next chapter come?
Neat fanfic. I think it’s coming along pretty well. Keep writting, it’s good for you. ^_^
Great!!!! *Reads with delight* Now, why aren’t there any more?? :}
very funny. i especially liked the part about the dwarf hammer and elrond trying to call order.
Thanks for all the compliments. Our egos are truly massaged.
By the way, some people were asking about Lord K’s name. Basically, we flicked through the ‘Elvish language’ appendix of The Silmarillion and picked out any words that seemed appropriate. Then we stuck them together into couplet, and assembled it as a nice long name. It’s meant to be a gentle mockery of some of the overlong OC names found in fanfiction.
And, having done a recital to some friends at the weekend, I am rather scared by how easily I can now pronounce it.
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!V. hilarious!!! post more soon pleeeeeeeeaaaaase!
Odd and different but funny all the same. Lord Krsiugdflidfu….. What a name!
Wow! This is a great story. Please add the next chapter soon so that we can go on reading it. I can’t wait to find out who was poisoned!
lol, really liked ur 3rd chapter……a really hilarious one….0.o
leggy doesnt die tho, right? lol, it’d be hella funny if he did, but, plz don’t do that….plz dont kill my leggy! 🙂
keep on writing, cant wait for the next chapter!
*cough*update?*cough*
he, he, really funny and a perfectly random send up of a fan-fic, but, Gravel, Werewolf? just a little bit confued
Mr V
very good writing. though i always thought feanor as kinda ugly for an elf. good way to bring legolas back to life.
This is quite entertaining! I love how you’ve woven various Tolkien characters in, with an offbeat twist, and lots of quotes sprinkled in. Keep up the good work. 🙂
Heheh… randomness is awesometaculspiffy. Cool. *hugs j_mercuryuk* You rock.
lol! Very funny. But I still can’t believe you KILLED Legolas! Even if you did bring him back! And inform Gimli that I told him to get a life and stop pining after Galadriel. (not really, it makes it funny, but tell him anyways!) 😉 Update soon!
HA, HA, Ha, Ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!!! Very funny! Looking forward to the next chapter.
BEAUTIFUL!!! It was magtificent. I love in Disclaimers. Very creative. I’m glad Legolas came back. Very creative and very funny. You deserve a cookie! *hands cookie* =D
THIS ROCKS!! My favorite chapter is the third one….and the fifth one! Write more!
Very Funny.
I don’t think that this can really count as a review as I have no criticisms…What I did want to say was that I love the story so far – your humour is great not too in your face or anything – and that I’m greatly looking forward to the next update! One question, however, how has Boromir returned from the dead or will this be explained later?
Once again, great work.
Gaurbrith means something along the lines of… “fragments of a rock werewolf”… Poor dear, that is such a ridiculous name.
YAY! Two words- MORE PUPPETS! ….I mean, WRITE MORE! Theeeeeeees eeeeees hilarious.
You used my word! Awesometacuspiffy… I think. *thinks* Can’t remember. So I will say SPIFFTACULSOME!
haha, great story, i just read it… write more… its funny… i was laughing out loud (more commonly known as loling)
love this fanfic!
man, that is absolutely genius. i love the way you write this… have you ever read the hitchiker’s guide by any chance? and the armadillo is brilliant.
what does gaubrith mean? i looked it up in the back of the silmarillion and i can’t findit! i’m going mad here! what does it mean?!?!?!
try spaptastic if you want an awesome word.
I’m really enjoying the glorious randomness (but yet not completely random) fanfic. Just please, POST MORE OFTEN!
man, i love your disclaimers. i like your “out the window” solution too. keep it up, man!
very interesting
Hey, what’s the deal with killing Legolas? i was ok the first time, and it was quite funny, but TWICE? Isn’t it someone else’s turn? And is the Fark Lord insane, or does he/she have some kind of split personality so she is two people…….
And we better end up hearing why she isn’t in th eUndying Lands…..
UPDATE SOON! KEEP ME LAUGHING! 😉
Haha! That was great…
Write more.
Just a random thing… I’m about to go get my Elvish book to see what Lord Kanolhack…(that’s all I rememer)’s name is. 😀 ~Me
Finally! A fanfiction that makes you laugh out loud! Very well done and I like how you’ve included inside jokes about the Valar.
well i just started reading this story and i love it..very few story can actually make me laugh out loud. I love the disclaimers. your story rocks cant wait for more:)
I really like your story. It’s insane. But in a good way. Not sure if you can answer this, but why do keep trying to kill Legolas?
Please write more! I want to hear what happens. 😛 A *plot*? I thought the plot was to not have a plot. Would you give me something if I bothered to figure out Lord Kano… whatever? I got lost last time I tried. Write more! 😀
yay a cookie, …*o* um anyhow great chapter once agian i actually laughed out loud, a lot much to the confusion of the other people in the room. but one thing did you say somthing about a…*wisper* plot?…I cant believe it promise the plot wont take away fom the utter randomness that i LOVE so much about this story. Oh yeah disclaimer agian great start to the story
(Laughs) That was great! I love Skippy! There was something really funny I wanted to mention, but then I read the rest of it and forgot what it was, sorry.
Are we ever going to find out who was poisoned?
WHAT???????!!!!!!!! ‘Our Longest Chapter’???!!! What ever!!!!!! Please post soon mellon nin.
~Raina
Beautiful long chapter. Really. I loved it… And in response to your question, yes I did figure out what Lord Kanolachkirraukoturgilarseregedhelthalion means. Should I write it out, and ruin it for all those who don’t know, or should I let them figure it out for themselves? I’ll do the latter. 😀 Keep writing… For real… Or.. Or… I’ll… *Unsucsessfuly tries to think of good threat* Do something… Yeah! I’ll do something evil, like, make Leggie stay alive. 😀 ~Me
*Twiddles thumbs boredly* I think someone needs to write more… Lalalalala… *Sings every song that she knows any words to* *Repeats* *Still doesn’t see another chapter* *Sings again* *Reads LotR approximately 3.14159265358979 times* *Reads LotR approximately 314,159,265,358,979 times* *Does same with Silmarillion and Hobbit* *Repeats process a few times* *Still no chapter*….
The name for the last chapter is fitting. You write very well, and i hope you update soon! btw what DOES Lord K’s name mean? lol
Just re-read the entire thing, and I totally love it.
In this chapter I though the firefly reference was really good.
When are we going to find out who was poisoned?
Wow!!!!!!!!!!! I just found your story for the first time, it’s fabtonilousenomenal!!!
I love that you guys obviously know a lot about your subject, most of the really funny fanfics I’ve found have been written by people who are good writers but don’t really know that much about Middle Earth, however, you obviously know your subject alot, and I love all the little digs you poke at it.
The more times I read your story, the more jokes I discover. I love that! Way to go…
I reveled in killing of Legolas (Yay!!!! Keep it up)though it remains to be seen if anyone can actually make him STAY dead…
And the Valar bits. Their various exits had me in a fit of giggles…
Actually I have been in various stages of hilarity all through your story. And I would say you were awesome authors, but your laziness in NOT UPDATING forbids me. It is plain laziness, you have no excuse, so repent and write more!!!
Oh, and I love how you have hidden jokes that only study will reveal, eg. the names.
And I like whatshisnameelvishlordguy, such an awesome Elvish steriotype, I love him…
Oh, and your disclaimers are very entertaining.
And please don’t bring in a plot?
Oh, yeah, and your last chapter was awesome, best of the lot.
Oh, and… um…. I can’t remember what I was going to say….
Lol, sorry, anyway, great story, KEEP UPDATING BEFORE YOU DRIVE ME TO DISTRACTION!!!!!!!
This is actually the best humour fanfic I have ever read, it’s awesome! You keep me in fits of laughter the whole way through, it’s definitely worth waiting for. I love Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, he’s such an awesome typical stuck up elf lord, but he’s clever and has kinda a dry humour too, he’s perfect…
Oh, the other day there were some people at our house for lunch, and my Mum offered us fruit, and all of a sudden I blurted out “You can’t eat them, fruit have feelings too!” and ‘burst into tears’. You should have seen the weird looks I got. I collapse
d into helpless giggles, but my mum was not impressed…
I love it. That was awesome, and the play on their names were great (although some were somewhat sad). And poor Gimli. I feel so bad for him. Please update soon. And by the way, I”ll probably be saying “monkey comes out, monkey goes in” all day now. Thanks for making my day.:D
WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111one11111111!fortythreeandahalfpi!!11 Another chapter!!!! W00t!!!!! I forgive you, you don’t have to hide. However, you *do* deserve to be subjected to a year of wearing headphones that are impossible to take off that perpetually consistently and never ever stop saying “Kanollachkirraukoturgilarseregedhelalion.” But I do redeem you from this if you promise to update with another awesometucklespiffeh chapter like the one you just posted. Yay!!!
Yay two new chapters since I last was able to sit down and read this…well actually im not sure “the longest chapter ever” really counts…and way I totally loved the last chaper, and the complete random-ness of every thing. not tmake me laugh like complete random-ness. Still love the disclaimers, although i may have to argue that legolas’s body belongs to me thanks 😉
Sheesh! I look away for a couple of months and then you suddenly have a bunch of new chapters!
Great work though. *grin* I was laughing the whole way through.
I can’t wait for the next chapters to be up. The story is great!
lol
Another great chapter! I hope we have more coming soon; I greatly missed being able to read this story, and only just recently thought I would look and see if there was more. I look forward to more, so get talking to that brother of yours and write more!! *pauses* Please? 😀
So, come on, when are we going to get another chapter? I’ve been hopefully checking for so long, and you’ve disappointed me with no updates for months now.
And you guys should post it on fanfiction.net, it would be enourmously popular there, I’m certain.
Although I still have not figured out what the title is refering to…
This is really good!!!!!! i cant wait to find out who actually got poisoned. please write more!!!!!!!
This story is hilarious. I think one of my fave parts is the disclaimer. Sign #1 there are plot inconsistancies: I spotted them, lol. Post more whenever life allows. 😛