As Middle Earth Turns…
Legolas Learns His Lesson
In a crowded pub in Minas Tirith, Eomer finds Faramir relaxing with a pint of mead. Needless to say, Eomer hears quite a story…
Eomer: Hello Faramir!
Faramir: Hullo Eomer! Escaping the batty wife?
Eomer: That woman is crazy.
Faramir: Aye, and mine.
Eomer: That is my sister you speak of!
Faramir: Battiness must run in the family then.
Eomer: Too true, you have a point there.
Faramir: Did you hear about Legolas?
Eomer: No…What happened? Did the poncy elf break a nail? Split ends? *gasp* A zit?
Faramir: Oh no, much worse than all of that. You heard he finally became, well, legal last week.
Eomer: Yes, I sent him a fruit basket.
Faramir: Oh, wonderful gift, a fruit basket. I sent a sweater that Eowyn knitted. Quite crafty, your sister.
Eomer: You were saying?
Faramir: Well, the poor elf had never touched so much as a drop of elvish wine before, always muttering something about his figure.
Eomer: Poor elf. 3000 years and never even tipsy? Downright shame. What happened to him?
Faramir: Well, Arwen and Aragorn decided to take him out, a surprise planned by Gimli
Eomer: *chuckles* That dwarf always knew how to throw a party!
Faramir: Oh indeed! Do you remember that one time… when Arwen did that thing with the tennis balls… *far off look*
Eomer: Oh aye…those were the days…on with the story. What happened?
Faramir: Oh indeed! Anyhow, it seems that Legolas started the party a bit early.
Eomer: Started the party early? Don’t tell me….
Faramir: Yes…cracked open a bottle of his father’s wine. After one sip, he was prancing around the house singing hobbit songs at the top of his lungs. It was terrible.
Eomer: I’ve heard things about that Mirkwood wine. I’d never touch the stuff!
Faramir: You know anyone that says elves can sing has never heard that guy.
Eomer: *scoffs* Always knew that nancing elf would get himself into trouble. What happened then?
Faramir: Well you know that Mirkwood wine is strong stuff. Keep in mind that Legolas is a new drinker. Completely schnookered! So now we have a very inebriated elven prince on our hands.
Eomer: Schnookered after one sip?! That poor elf!
Faramir: What do you mean?
Eomer: Well there are two ways to look at this. On one hand, Legolas is completely plastered and feeling mighty good.
Faramir: Ah yes…I remember that feeling. That was before Eowyn sent me to rehab. Crazy bat.
Eomer: But on the other hand, he missed out on all the fun of actually getting drunk. There’s no fun in getting schnookered off of one sip of wine!
Faramir: Very true. Getting schnookered should take time, and is a process to be enjoyed, not rushed. I should know!
Eomer: Company is a must as well. Where’s the fun in drinking alone?
Faramir: That’s the thing. Why was he drinking alone? I wonder if maybe he wasn’t as happy as he let on. A bit of sorrows-drowning?
Eomer: It is a sign of depression. He may be hiding something from all of us.
Faramir: Or was he bored? He was waiting to be picked up, after all, and they were late. He may have been too excited to wait another hour to taste his first sip of wine. He had been waiting for 3000 years, after all.
Eomer: Good point, then we wouldn’t have to feel bad for him. I’ve been known to take a nip of mead to pass the time…
Faramir: Indeed no. However there was one problem. Legolas got too tired of waiting.
Eomer: He didn’t!
Faramir: He did! He decided to meet Gimli, Arwen and Aragorn at the bar. Which wouldn’t have done him much good, as they weren’t headed to the bar anyways. Either that or he left with the intent of throwing bags of flaming dog *ahem* on their porches.
Eomer: Don’t tell me he *nanced* down to the bar. So if he gets to the bar and realizes his friends aren’t there, then wouldn’t he – oh dear….
Faramir: It’s worse than you think. While he was on his way to the bar, he nanced over a little baby hobbit!
Eomer: Oh dear! How is the little hobbit?
Faramir: Six feet under, I’m afraid.
Eomer: No! Blast that elf!
Faramir: I know, it’s tragic…The worst part is that he barely noticed, and just kept on nancing…
Eomer: Didn’t anybody *do* anything?
Faramir: Well Fatty Bolger saw the whole thing and called for the police and soon Sheriff Grima stopped Legolas
Eomer: Oh dear, I’ve heard Sheriff Grima never goes easy on people. He stopped me once for riding my horse “too loudly” in Edoras….
Faramir: Yes, well Grima immediately wrote Legolas up for Nancing without a License and then he noticed the wine on his breath…
Faramir: Grima had Legolas try the line test. He fell right on his nancing arse
Eomer: Oh dear…
Faramir: Then a hobbit came running by screaming about how a baby hobbit had been nanced to death by some drunken elf.
Eomer: Oh my, that puts Legolas in a bad position, doesn’t it?
Faramir: The worst. So he was taken down to the Middle Earth Police Department.
Eomer: Not the place you want to be on your birthday…
Faramir: Right, I remember having to go pick up Eowyn there once. She beat up a soldier who was hitting on her…she can be quite feisty, you know. Anyway, so Grima booked him immediately for the hobbit’s death. He was thrown into a cell until the judge could hear his case; you know how quickly the elven judicial system is…
Eomer: Poncy elves have nothing better to do than sentence each other.
Faramir: How true that is! You would never guess who was in the cell with our schnookered elf though…
Eomer: My Wife?
Faramir: No, though perhaps she was in another cell. It was actually Haldir, Queen of the Forest.
Eomer: That tart was in prison again?
Faramir: Yes, something about abusing Celeborn.
Faramir: Anyhow, you know that Legolas and Haldir never really got along well after that hug with Aragorn at Helm’s Deep.
Eomer: Oh did I hear about that…Legolas came to me whining about it afterwards.
Faramir: Poncy elves and their ‘territory’…*scoff* anyhow, the two were about to have a catfight when Legolas was called out to go to trial. And guess who was residing as judge?
Eomer: You’ve got me there.
Faramir: It was Lord Elrond.
Eomer: *humph* He still insists on being called Lord?
Faramir: Afraid so. Legolas was excited for a moment, thinking Elrond would go easy on him, but it seems he’s been a bit touchy since Arwen ran away with Aragorn.
Eomer: Ah yes, “Lord” Elrond has snapped at me many times. Lousy git.
Faramir: Always complaining about something, that elf. Anyhow, Legolas gets into the courtroom, I was there you know, I had to act as witness for another trial: Eowyn got into another drunken brawl of a bar fight. I swear to you, Elrond saw Legolas and *sneered*! I believe I heard him say ‘Here I have you, Legolas. A chance for Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, to show his quality’. He stole my phrase, that evil elf!
Eomer: He didn’t! Mangy cur. What then did Legolas say to that?
Faramir: Our poor elf was too nervous to respond, afraid that any rash comments would only anger Elrond.
Eomer: A good thing too, most likely. Sensitive tart, that Elrond. So what happened then?
Faramir: Well, then Elrond introduced Legolas’s lawyer. And you’ll never guess who it was.
Eomer: Having never been to court aside from that thing with the guy in the place, I couldn’t say…
Faramir: It was Gollum, or Smeagol…I couldn’t tell which.
Eomer: I was under the impression it was the same creature…
Faramir: Maybe so. But whoever he was, he hasn’t forgiven me for that little “Forbidden Pool” episode, as he gave me dirty looks throughout the trial.
Eomer: Well you deserved it. The poor thing had to go to the chiropractor for what you did to his neck.
Faramir: *glares* Anyhow…He came in muttering something along the lines of: “Nancing elves…precious…Nancing elves are not good. Must be killed, precious.” then all of the sudden he smiled and said. “No…no..Legolas is our friend. He wouldn’t do it again!” then it was “But he’s a muuuuuurderer…” And the other side just sat up and said “Well now, can’t argue that.”
Eomer: Always thought he should have been sent to funny-farm in Mordor instead of going to Law-school.
Faramir: The creatures they allow in this profession. Honestly.
Eomer: He ate all of his professors though, didn’t he?
Faramir: That’s right…they just handed him a degree after three days. So anyhow, Elrond was about to relent because it was a first time offense and nobody liked the hobbit he killed anyways , when someone burst in the room yelling ‘Objection! Objection!
Who ran into the courtroom, yelling? I guess you’ll have to stay tuned to find out!