As Middle Earth Turns…
Episode I
Legolas Learns His Lesson
In a crowded pub in Minas Tirith, Eomer finds Faramir relaxing with a pint of mead. Needless to say, Eomer hears quite a story…
Eomer: Hello Faramir!
Faramir: Hullo Eomer! Escaping the batty wife?
Eomer: That woman is crazy.
Faramir: Aye, and mine.
Eomer: That is my sister you speak of!
Faramir: Battiness must run in the family then.
Eomer: Too true, you have a point there.
Faramir: Did you hear about Legolas?
Eomer: No…What happened? Did the poncy elf break a nail? Split ends? *gasp* A zit?
Faramir: Oh no, much worse than all of that. You heard he finally became, well, legal last week.
Eomer: Yes, I sent him a fruit basket.
Faramir: Oh, wonderful gift, a fruit basket. I sent a sweater that Eowyn knitted. Quite crafty, your sister.
Eomer: You were saying?
Faramir: Well, the poor elf had never touched so much as a drop of elvish wine before, always muttering something about his figure.
Eomer: Poor elf. 3000 years and never even tipsy? Downright shame. What happened to him?
Faramir: Well, Arwen and Aragorn decided to take him out, a surprise planned by Gimli
Eomer: *chuckles* That dwarf always knew how to throw a party!
Faramir: Oh indeed! Do you remember that one time… when Arwen did that thing with the tennis balls… *far off look*
Eomer: Oh aye…those were the days…on with the story. What happened?
Faramir: Oh indeed! Anyhow, it seems that Legolas started the party a bit early.
Eomer: Started the party early? Don’t tell me….
Faramir: Yes…cracked open a bottle of his father’s wine. After one sip, he was prancing around the house singing hobbit songs at the top of his lungs. It was terrible.
Eomer: I’ve heard things about that Mirkwood wine. I’d never touch the stuff!
Faramir: You know anyone that says elves can sing has never heard that guy.
Eomer: *scoffs* Always knew that nancing elf would get himself into trouble. What happened then?
Faramir: Well you know that Mirkwood wine is strong stuff. Keep in mind that Legolas is a new drinker. Completely schnookered! So now we have a very inebriated elven prince on our hands.
Eomer: Schnookered after one sip?! That poor elf!
Faramir: What do you mean?
Eomer: Well there are two ways to look at this. On one hand, Legolas is completely plastered and feeling mighty good.
Faramir: Ah yes…I remember that feeling. That was before Eowyn sent me to rehab. Crazy bat.
Eomer: But on the other hand, he missed out on all the fun of actually getting drunk. There’s no fun in getting schnookered off of one sip of wine!
Faramir: Very true. Getting schnookered should take time, and is a process to be enjoyed, not rushed. I should know!
Eomer: Company is a must as well. Where’s the fun in drinking alone?
Faramir: That’s the thing. Why was he drinking alone? I wonder if maybe he wasn’t as happy as he let on. A bit of sorrows-drowning?
Eomer: It is a sign of depression. He may be hiding something from all of us.
Faramir: Or was he bored? He was waiting to be picked up, after all, and they were late. He may have been too excited to wait another hour to taste his first sip of wine. He had been waiting for 3000 years, after all.
Eomer: Good point, then we wouldn’t have to feel bad for him. I’ve been known to take a nip of mead to pass the time…
Faramir: Indeed no. However there was one problem. Legolas got too tired of waiting.
Eomer: He didn’t!
Faramir: He did! He decided to meet Gimli, Arwen and Aragorn at the bar. Which wouldn’t have done him much good, as they weren’t headed to the bar anyways. Either that or he left with the intent of throwing bags of flaming dog *ahem* on their porches.
Eomer: Don’t tell me he *nanced* down to the bar. So if he gets to the bar and realizes his friends aren’t there, then wouldn’t he – oh dear….
Faramir: It’s worse than you think. While he was on his way to the bar, he nanced over a little baby hobbit!
Eomer: Oh dear! How is the little hobbit?
Faramir: Six feet under, I’m afraid.
Eomer: No! Blast that elf!
Faramir: I know, it’s tragic…The worst part is that he barely noticed, and just kept on nancing…
Eomer: Didn’t anybody *do* anything?
Faramir: Well Fatty Bolger saw the whole thing and called for the police and soon Sheriff Grima stopped Legolas
Eomer: Oh dear, I’ve heard Sheriff Grima never goes easy on people. He stopped me once for riding my horse “too loudly” in Edoras….
Faramir: Yes, well Grima immediately wrote Legolas up for Nancing without a License and then he noticed the wine on his breath…
Eomer: And?
Faramir: Grima had Legolas try the line test. He fell right on his nancing arse
Eomer: Oh dear…
Faramir: Then a hobbit came running by screaming about how a baby hobbit had been nanced to death by some drunken elf.
Eomer: Oh my, that puts Legolas in a bad position, doesn’t it?
Faramir: The worst. So he was taken down to the Middle Earth Police Department.
Eomer: Not the place you want to be on your birthday…
Faramir: Right, I remember having to go pick up Eowyn there once. She beat up a soldier who was hitting on her…she can be quite feisty, you know. Anyway, so Grima booked him immediately for the hobbit’s death. He was thrown into a cell until the judge could hear his case; you know how quickly the elven judicial system is…
Eomer: Poncy elves have nothing better to do than sentence each other.
Faramir: How true that is! You would never guess who was in the cell with our schnookered elf though…
Eomer: My Wife?
Faramir: No, though perhaps she was in another cell. It was actually Haldir, Queen of the Forest.
Eomer: That tart was in prison again?
Faramir: Yes, something about abusing Celeborn.
Eomer: Oh…
Faramir: Anyhow, you know that Legolas and Haldir never really got along well after that hug with Aragorn at Helm’s Deep.
Eomer: Oh did I hear about that…Legolas came to me whining about it afterwards.
Faramir: Poncy elves and their ‘territory’…*scoff* anyhow, the two were about to have a catfight when Legolas was called out to go to trial. And guess who was residing as judge?
Eomer: You’ve got me there.
Faramir: It was Lord Elrond.
Eomer: *humph* He still insists on being called Lord?
Faramir: Afraid so. Legolas was excited for a moment, thinking Elrond would go easy on him, but it seems he’s been a bit touchy since Arwen ran away with Aragorn.
Eomer: Ah yes, “Lord” Elrond has snapped at me many times. Lousy git.
Faramir: Always complaining about something, that elf. Anyhow, Legolas gets into the courtroom, I was there you know, I had to act as witness for another trial: Eowyn got into another drunken brawl of a bar fight. I swear to you, Elrond saw Legolas and *sneered*! I believe I heard him say ‘Here I have you, Legolas. A chance for Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, to show his quality’. He stole my phrase, that evil elf!
Eomer: He didn’t! Mangy cur. What then did Legolas say to that?
Faramir: Our poor elf was too nervous to respond, afraid that any rash comments would only anger Elrond.
Eomer: A good thing too, most likely. Sensitive tart, that Elrond. So what happened then?
Faramir: Well, then Elrond introduced Legolas’s lawyer. And you’ll never guess who it was.
Eomer: Having never been to court aside from that thing with the guy in the place, I couldn’t say…
Faramir: It was Gollum, or Smeagol…I couldn’t tell which.
Eomer: I was under the impression it was the same creature…
Faramir: Maybe so. But whoever he was, he hasn’t forgiven me for that little “Forbidden Pool” episode, as he gave me dirty looks throughout the trial.
Eomer: Well you deserved it. The poor thing had to go to the chiropractor for what you did to his neck.
Faramir: *glares* Anyhow…He came in muttering something along the lines of: “Nancing elves…precious…Nancing elves are not good. Must be killed, precious.” then all of the sudden he smiled and said. “No…no..Legolas is our friend. He wouldn’t do it again!” then it was “But he’s a muuuuuurderer…” And the other side just sat up and said “Well now, can’t argue that.”
Eomer: Always thought he should have been sent to funny-farm in Mordor instead of going to Law-school.
Faramir: The creatures they allow in this profession. Honestly.
Eomer: He ate all of his professors though, didn’t he?
Faramir: That’s right…they just handed him a degree after three days. So anyhow, Elrond was about to relent because it was a first time offense and nobody liked the hobbit he killed anyways , when someone burst in the room yelling ‘Objection! Objection!
Who ran into the courtroom, yelling? I guess you’ll have to stay tuned to find out!
67 Comments
You’ve got me going now, so when is the next part coming out????
Gotta know who’s going to show up next!
This is good, one of the better ones I have read… Keep ut the good work guys….
i love this its absolutly fab u must get a new installment cos mi friend who thinks legolas is soo sweet and neva does anything rong is now proved rong.! ahh happy days so any way can u pllzzzz make the sequel cos i wan tto no wot happens and so does mi friend! thanx soo much keep it up1
This is really cool. And really funny 2! Hurry up wit da nxt part!
i liked it …it was very well put together i am a Legolas fan but i find things like this very funny like the story i just read and i can’t wait for the next part …..Keep it coming
Man i loved that one well done, well done, well done! Don’t keep me in suspense i want the next one. Will it be Sauron, Gandalf…perhaps Gimli? Who knows? Next one please!
Please write the next part! I’m dying to see what happens! This is SO funny!
I think this was very funny! ๐ cannot wait till the next part comes out
I can’t wait any longer!! Write, come on, write!! I want to know what happens next!!
And I thought you two were funny on your own, but man, when you’re working together…
‘Nancing Without a License’ — does it get any better than that? ๐
that was so much fun! I’m dying to see what will happen!
I’m still laughing! Legolas Drunk! the thought cracks me up! and the part about gollum. now i want to hear more.
I find this very funny. I really want to see what happens next! When’s the next chapter coming out?
i think the first part is mazing but wheres the rest who runs into the room please please carry on the tension is killing me ahhhhhhhhhhh!
hey this story is great! keep up the good work…can’t wait for the next part!
I liked it a lot. Very imaginative. Hope to read the sequel soon.
I read this a long time ago I WANT MORE!!!! very funny.
I hope you will finish the next part very very soon!
Wow!! Well done!! This is really funny and v. entertaining. how could you make us wait for the next istallments!! can’t wait for them so hurr up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They soooooooo should have been in the apendices!!!!!!
p.s vimaginative and crative. keep up the good work!!
I love how creative my daughter (Ringhilwen) can get sometimes, especially around other creative people. Excellent job!
please more. i loved it. very creative, funny, and we want more.
thanks
That was hilarious! My favorite part was Eowyn beating up the gaurd for hitting on her… Can’t wait till the next part!
i thought this was very well written and i can’t wait till the next episode is put up! Great Job!:D
That was great…its hysterical…I was laughing so hard I fell off the chair…come on, we want more….!!! A drunken Leggy has got to be the funniest thing since the “box” comment…:-)
I’ve been waiting and waiting, but now I do believe that the hilarious show has indeed been canceled. *cries*
This was hilarious, please write more! You guys are talented!
This was really funny. I’m a Legolas fan, and I still find this hilarious. I can totally picture Eomer and Faramir sitting around in a pub, too! The stuff about Eowyn was pretty funny also. Good job. Please write more!
very cute!
ok, it *is* 2:30am – but needless to say, it took everything that i had to refrain myself from busting up laughing and waking up my fiancee… “cat fight” HAHA!!
This story twists some things in the lord of the rings that is hard to not laugh funny! i will look forward to another episode!
Oh my gosh this is funny, I laughed so hard I cried, please hurry up with the next part!
To funny! I was laughing so hard I fell out of my chair. Can’t wait for the next part!!!!!
Looks like we have a small army (well, maybe just a platoon) of people who want the next part. Looks like I am also one of them!
Please please please hurry up with the next part of this tale. I’m dying to know “whodunit”.
When’s the next part coming out? You’ve really got me hooked on this and the Bachelorette.
This is really good!!! I can’t wait for the next part!!!!!!!!!!!!
You really need the get the next part in……I really want to know what happens…and the same with the Bachelorette. I cant wait!!!!!!!!!
this is great but the question on everyone’s mind since april is who did run into the courtroom?
Ths is probably my favorite story on COE. when will you write the secound? Hurry!!! I can’t wait!!!
This is VERY VERY good for dialogue between two characters…and the next part coming out when??
*rolls on the floor laughing*
I am a legolas fan, so I found it insulting, but if I pretend that it’s someone else besides Legolas, it’s funny. It actually reminds me of a character (Sam, an assassin) in a book I read called Villians By Necessity, where after 1 glass he gets completely drunk….. Hmmm, Orli would be really good at playing Sam if they ever make the book into a movie, too….
Hehe, Legolas gets thrown in jail. Should’ve gotten some rum.
this is so funny! legolas getting drunk! haha so unelven but still hilarious! I am a Legolas fan though.
AHHHH!!!…i need to know what happens! who is it???!!! haha poncy elf…but still so cute ๐
this is a great story. I have checked it almost daily waiting for updates. ‘As the World Turns’ is my friend’s favorite soap. It’s a great story!!!!!! wait, did i already say that? yea… oh well….i say it again!!!!!! I LOVE THIS STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!will calm down now……breathe in, breathe out…..
Teehee, I love the title ๐ You guys did a great job LD I can’t wait for the next episode.
Well, I guess my title says it all… I just can’t fathom *Legolas* of all people *ahem, elves!* doing anything wrong!
Would you believe that a second installment is coming very soon? Well, you should believe it, because it’s true.
that was so good i cant wait to read the second part i hope it comes out soon.
The best one I’ve read so far, if you ask me. Loved it how you’ve kept the suspense by cutting it offat the good bit. Can’t WAIT for the next instalment.!
[B]PLEASE WRITE A SEQUEL!!![/B]
C’mon! Please!!! This is sooo funny! My lil bro thought I was going crazy coz I was laughing that much! I love it! I’m a huge Legolas fan, but I love rip-offs! The thought of Legolas drunk is just too much! ‘Nancing without a Licence’, where did that come from? (Must admit, v. srry for baby hobbit). And how DID Gollum/Smeagol get into a law school? AND WHO IS IT THAT RUNS IN SCREAMING ‘OBJECTION, OBJECTION’!!!!
I’m only giving this one an 9 coz I’m upset that you’ve left us with a cliffhanger!
[B] Please write the sequel soon![/B]
I cant compete with the comments above because your 1st chapter is brilliantly funny, but its been almost 2 years since the 1st episode; is there gonna be a 2nd? I’m not one to write fan fiction because im so bad, but if it takes that long then surely it must be brilliant!!! Please hurry guys; I’m dying in anticipation!! ~Nikki~
Oh my god, this was hysterical. I had tears by the time I was done, I could actually picture Eomer and Faramir sitting there having this conversation….When is part two coming out?
That was hilarious! OMG I can’t stop laughing! Eowyn the trouble maker! ๐ This is very,very,very good!
He had to get drunk all by himself, then get put in prison? Put part two out soon. THAT WAS HILARIOUS!
It’s good to finally see Legolas do something wrong or get embarassed. He’s normally just so perfect it’s scary.
More please!! *starts choking on laughter* It is hilarious!!! Mopre soon please!!
I loved I want to know what happens next. it’s really funny and apparently i’m not the only one who thinks so.
The first chapter was fantastic! The only thing that could make it better would be a second chapter. Please please finish the story. You’re a wonderful writer. Don’t leave us in suspense!
This was hilarious! MORE!!!!!
*rolls on floor laughing, holding sides* Oh, you must write more on this, it is funny, and the thought of Gollum as a lawyer, Legolas drunk, great stuff!!! Gave it a ten!
uhh where’s the next instalment??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Haha! I am a Legolas fan though (just look at my username) but still this is some of the funniest stuff on here!
HAHA!!! lol!! Gollum as a lawyer!!!! but whats the next part? I WANT TO KNOW!!! this is epic!!!
In how ever many months it will be 10 years since this was written with no update. it was funny but I won’t give it more than a 6 because of the no update thing…PLEASE WRITE MORE I AM BEGGING YOU!! Lol.
Seriously though- has it been abandonded?
i think it has been abandoned, but even though im a legolas fan, i think its hilarious.