The Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

A parody by ESM

PROLOGUE:

Once upon a time, there was a man named Hesildur. There was also a Maia called Sauron. And an Elf named Elrond, apparently. Not to mention thousands of hot CG elves, lackluster CG men and slimy CG orcs and ALOT of CG arrows. So why was this motley crew assembled?

To put it in a nutshell, Sauron wanted to take over the world, and he had a KeyRing to help him do it. It was the key to the vast energy plant that kept the orc army going, because after all, EVERYBODY knows that an orc would much rather sit at home and talk to Shrek or Fiona than go and fight some bloodthirsty elves. Sauron also had other keys on the One Key Ring, but the locks for those keys had all rusted or been smashed in a car wreck. And that’s a whole ‘nother story

.

So anyway, Sauron saw that his orcs were lagging, so he decided to go out and give them a pep talk. Unfortunately, he had an allergic reaction to something, probably the Elves’ anti-dandruff shampoo. What with all that sneezing, he managed to blow handfuls of the good and bad guys away. One of them happened to be Hesildur’s father. Hesildur was very excited at this turn of events: it meant that he was finally to inherit a kingdom. However, Sauron was still on the loose. Hesildur saw the Maia standing over him and his dead father, his hand stretched out and a mace raised over his head. What Hesildur didn’t know was that Sauron had realized the war was lost and was extending his hand as a sign of friendship. What Sauron didn’t realize was that the mace was raised in a most disturbing and threatening manner over his head.

And so, in one quick stroke, Hesildur cut The One KeyRing from Sauron’s belt. Startled, Sauron dropped the mace on his own head, effectively killing his own body. At this the Orcs felt very disoriented, and fled. Hesildur was quite proud of his feat, although his sword Narsil had shattered in the process. All of a sudden the Elf Elrond appeared, and told Mr. Hesildur to follow him. Elrond had to hit him with a spear butt several times to get his attention.

Elrond, who was suspiciously familiar with the enemy territory, led Hesildur to the great power plant, even unto the great lock. But Hesildur was so dumb he didn’t know that the key goes in the lock, and left Elrond yelling at the top of his lungs.

Later, the Orcs, who were desperately trying to get The One KeyRing back so that *they* could do what Hesildur was too stupid to do, attacked Hesildur’s Therapeutic River Tours (worth 800 dollars in American currency). Needless to say, Hesildur wouldn’t give it up. He found that by sticking the Key in his mouth, he became invisible. Then he ran for the river. This arrangement proved to be a problem, because Hesildur could not at once gulp air and keep the key in his mouth. Of course, he had to breath, and The One KeyRing sank. In a fury, the orcs shot Hesildur. Hesildur died.

For a few eons The One KeyRing sat at the bottom of the river, until somebody else found it. Then he dropped it, and Bilbo Baggins found it. And now we can finally get on with this story.

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Ch. 1 HOBBITON:

There was a place called the Bag End, in Hobbiton, in the Shire. Bilbo Baggins lived there. On this occasion, his 111th birthday, he was engrossed in writing a history. For some reason he felt a need to describe hobbits.

BILBO: Hobbits are a simple folk. They like reading, writing and ‘rithmetic. That is why for my birthday/going away bash I am giving an addition party.

Frodo Baggins also lived with him, but at the moment was sitting under a tree, reading. Suddenly, the unharmonious sound of a wizard singing reached his ears.

FRODO: Gandalf? Oh dear! If he catches me with “Wizardry for Dummies”, I’m toast! Come to think of it, what *is* the spell for turning hobbits into toast? That might come in handy someday…

The singing got louder. Frodo finally tucked his book under a tree root, reverently hoped it wouldn’t rain, and ran to stop the noise.

FRODO: You’re late! You’re also a disturber of the peace!

The crazy looking old man in the cart stopped singing, stopped the cart, and started speaking.

GANDALF: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, except when the alarm clock is three hours off. He could possibly be a disturber of the peace,” the wizard added fondly.

FRODO: Really? It never said anything about that in “Wizardry for Dumm—-oops!

Gandalf glared at him.

GANDALF: How many times have I told you to stay away from those books?

FRODO: I did…it was on the internet….I had it all typed up….the dog ate it….we got a virus…I forgot…uh…

GANDALF: Yeah.

Frodo and Gandalf started laughing.

GANDALF: Why am I laughing?

FRODO: I don’t know!

At last they realized that someone had just set off a laughing gas bomb nearby.

GANDALF: Merry!

FRODO: Pippin!

VOICES: This was his idea! No, it was his! Yours! Yours! Mine! Mine! Haha! Made you say it! You said it too! ARGH!

Gandalf was not amused.

GANDALF: Frodo, would you please direct me to your house? The roads have changed since I was last here.

Frodo: Yes, rush hour was getting to be simply unbearable. A hobbit can’t go out for a drink after work without getting stuck in it. Mainly because that’s where everybody else is going.

Gandalf: You’re working?

Frodo made evasive noises.

FRODO: What say I get off here?

GANDALF: Fine with me.

Eventually, after stopping by mistake at the Sackville Bagginses town home and setting off a bunch of fireworks to scare a cow out of the road, the wizard arrived at Bilbo’s front door. It was in fact, the only door, but everyone called it the front door all the same.

Bilbo answered steadily, though it was the 111th time somebody had knocked.

BILBO: Oh, Gandalf! Did you know I’m having a party?

GANDALF: Yes, Bilbo, you told me in your invitation.

BILBO: Oh. Yes. Well. Have tea with me? I haven’t much food about at the moment, just some eggs, bacon, few dozen cakes and tarts, oh some pudding leftover from half an hour ago, cheese, a loaf of bread, filet mignon, carrots and apples, biscuits, crackers, tomatoes, hash browns, onion and mushroom pastries, ketchup…..

GANDALF: Ketchup?!

Bilbo tossed Gandalf a bottle of ketchup.

GANDALF: Great concoction of yours, ketchup. I rather wonder I didn’t come up with it myself.

BILBO: Well, it’s made me quite rich, that’s for sure. I’m so rich, I feel like going on a trip. To see the dwarves again, you know. What a lark to laugh in their face….a hobbit richer than a whole mountain of dwarves! Preposterous!

GANDALF: Is business as good as all that?

BILBO: Indeed. My net income is twice that of Rivendell and Lonely Mountain combined.

GANDALF: Not that Rivendell has much income.

BILBO: Hmm. What say we go sit on the grass and watch the preparations. You did know I’m having a party, didn’t you?

GANDALF: Yes, Bilbo. I even brought the fireworks.

BILBO: Of course. Now I remember. Did I tell you I was having a party?

Gandalf glared at the hobbit, then shrugged and finished gulping his ketchup.

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CH.2 THE PARTY:

That night, the whole Shire (about 100 persons) congregated in Bilbo’s front yard. Food and ale flowed abundantly, and it was marvelous to see the amount of victuals that 100 – 4 feet tall persons could consume in the course of 10 minutes.

Merry and Pippin had been sent by their parents to see if Gandalf had any really big fireworks to let off. Being good sons, they obliged, and even went a step further.

MERRY: This one is big.

PIPPIN: Indeed it is.

MERRY: Still, it could be bigger.

Merry took the firework into a small side tent.

MERRY: Now, when it goes off, it will be twice as big. Go ahead and light it Pippin, I’’ll guard the outside to make sure nobody’s around.

PIPPIN: ‘Kay, cousin!

So while the whole Shire (about 100 persons) obliviously continued to eat, drink and most decidedly NOT be Merry, Merry gave the signal, and Pippin set off the firework.

*VOOM!CRASH! BOOM! SLOP! CRACK CRACK CRACKLE BUST!ZOOOOM!*

Went the firework

.

*WOOOOOOHOOOOO! WEEEE! HAHAHAHA! *

Went the cousins on the back of the firework, which turned out to be a dragon-kite sort of thing. Unhappily for them, the dragon burst and sent them tumbling out of the sky….right into Mr. Gandalf Wizard’s arms.

MERRY&PIPPIN: Uh-oh.

GANDALF: Ibbity boppity boom! There. I just turned you into volunteers for Kitchen duty. Somewhat dazed, the two hobbits stumbled towards the piles of dirty dishes in a tent across the way.

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Ch.3 PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW:

The time had come for the birthday speech. The whole Shire (about 100 persons) had sufficiently inebriated themselves as to not understand a single word the Speechmaker said. Bilbo felt quite annoyed, and therefore set all the food, including the gigantic birthday cake (actually just frosted cardboard) on fire. This TRAVESTY awakened the Shire (about 100 persons) enough to listen to the interactive speech.

BILBO: Thank you for coming to my addition party. I did tell you this was my party, didn’t I?

SHIRE (ABOUT 100 PERSONS): Yes, Bilbo.

BILBO: Alright, then, my dear Buffs and Geeks, Bottle eyes and Freaks, Nerds, Eggheads, etc etc etc. What is my age plus Frodo’s age?

THE SHIRE (ABOUT 100 PERSONS): One gross!

Bilbo: And what’s one plus one gross?

THE SHIRE (ABOUT 100 PERSONS): 145!!!

Bilbo: And what’s the number of people at my party minus me?

At this, Bilbo put The One Key in his mouth and disappeared.

THE SHIRE (ABOUT 100 PERSONS): Ummmm.

Invisibly, Bilbo scampered off back to Bag End. Rather to his surprise, he found Gandalf waiting for him.

GANDALF: I suppose you think you’re terribly clever.

BILBO: No,” taking the Key out of his mouth. “Just terribly rich. Who invited you anyway?”

GANDALF: You did. The fireworks. Remember? Anyways. There are many subtraction problems in this world, and none of them should be used at addition parties. Give it to Frodo.

BILBO: What?

GANDALF: It.

BILBO: What’s it?

GANDALF: The subtraction problem.

BILBO: No!! I want to try it on Elrond!

GANDALF: RivendelL minus one silly hobbit is?

BILBO: Ummm.

GANDALF: A better place. Give it to Frodo.

FRODO: Did somebody say my name?

Frodo stood outside a window.

GANDALF: None of your business.

Miffed, Frodo sang loudly:

FRODO: Say my name say my name! If no one is around you say baby I Love…

GANDALF: Is Destiny’s Child REALLY necessary at this point?

The two hobbits ignored him.

BILBO: He wants me to give you my KeyRing!

FRODO: Sure. Anytime, uncle.

Gandalf shut the window in disgust.

BILBO: No!

GANDALF: Yes! Or I’ll go atomic like Galadriel.

Bilbo shuddered.

BILBO: You’re very persuasive. Fine. I’ll drop it on the floor so Frodo can stub his furry toes on it when he comes in.

GABDALF: Good idea. Destiny’s Child INDEED. Hmph!

Bilbo dropped the KeyRing on the floor and rushed out the door. Almost immediately Frodo rushed in, stubbing his toe on the Ring.

FRODO: Ow!

Bilbo’s maniacal laughter resounded in the distance.

GANDALF: Your uncle is stark, raving mad.

FRODO: You know, he’s also my cousin.

GANDALF: I didn’t need to know that. Keep it secret, keep it safe.

FRODO: In a safe?

GANDALF: No, that would be too conspicuous. Just safe. I want it where I can get it when I come back.

FRODO: You’re coming back?

GANDALF: Yes! No. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and good with ketchup.

Gandalf stormed out of the hobbit hole, banging his head several times on the low ceiling. Mystified, Frodo wondered what Gandalf had meant by keeping Bilbo’s stat s as cousin safe, as it most certainly wasn’t secret.. At last he decided to put the illustrated genealogy in a glass case at the town museum, and settled down to a bit of Ketchup for a midnight snack.

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Ch. 4 THE RETURN:

Sometime later, Frodo decided he wanted to go for a drive.

FRODO: I wonder where I put my car keys.

While rummaging through his things, a hand grabbed his shoulder roughly.

FRODO: Help! Help! I’m being assaulted!

GANDALF: Is it secret?? Is it safe?

FRODO: Oh, it’s you. Where are my car keys?

GANDALF: Sam had your car.

FRODO: Is that how you got here so fast?

GANDALF: What do you mean? It’s been 17 years!

FRODO: Has it? Seems like just a few minutes, actually.

Frodo continued to rummage.

FRODO: Ah, here’s the KeyRing. But my car key is missing. Who told Sam he could borrow my car, anyways?

Without warning Gandalf snatched The One Key from a very irritated Frodo, and tossed it into the fire. Eventually he removed it again with a pair of salad tongs.

GANDALF: Hold out your hand Frodo.

Frodo suddenly has a suspicion.

FRODO: Did Sam total my car?

Gandalf dropped the hot KeyRing into Frodo’s hand.

GANDALF: You have a one-track mind. Listen, I’m going to tell you a story.

FRODO: I needed to get the tires rotated.

GANDALF: Will you listen?! Your car is not the only important thing in the world!

FRODO: Does that mean you wrecked my car?

Gandalf was quite exasperated.

GANDALF: Yes. No. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are sensitive and addicted to ketchup. Now listen.

Slowly, Gandalf told the tale of Sauron the Maia, Elrond the Elf, and Hesildur the Man. But we’ve already heard that story. Finally, Gandalf finished.

FRODO: OK. Nice story. So Sauron is dead and the KeyRing is mine.

At this, The One KeyRing, which had been lying on the table, moved. Both Gandalf and Frodo thought this was strange, but took no more note of it than if a pair of house flies had been doing a flamenco dance on the cheese.

GANDALF: But that’s not the end, Frodo. SAURON is back, only now he is in the form of a flaming eye.

FRODO: Oh. Maybe you should give him some Sudafed ™ or something to calm the allergic reaction.

Gandalf sighed heavily.

GANDALF: Hobbits are so dense.

FRODO: Indeed. That’s generally why we don’t like swimming! Neither does my car, incidentally.

Frodo picked at a bit of cheese absently. Gandalf began muttering to himself.

GANDALF: It’s enough to make a wizard take to ketchup guzzling. Why did I ever pick hobbits for my wing-job? To get your wings, they said, you have to complete a mission in Middle-Earth. You can have Men, Hobbits, Animals, Barbarians or Dolphins. But aren’t Dolphins animals, said I. Nooo! they said. Now which one do you want? So I picked Hobbits, because men were stupid, and animals were insane, and Barbarians lived in cold regions, and I hate getting wet whether Dolphins are animals or not. And so now, they said, it’s just like the video games you’ve been playing here. Make sure those hobbits get their job done. Ah well, at least I’m not with *her* anymore…..

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CH. 5 A ROAD AND A COMPANION:

For a while, Frodo and Gandalf gulped ketchup in a sullen silence

GANDALF: SO what are you going to do?

FRODO: Go for a ride, I suppose.

Gandalf heard a gasp from the window. With a quick movement (no doubt enhanced by the ketchup), Gandalf pulled his prize through the window.

GANDALF: Samfool Ohgee! Have you been eavesdropping?!

SAM: Sure, Mr. Gandalf, sir! How could I? Please don’t turn me into anythin’…unnatural, sir! An there weren’t nothin’ to eavesdrop on this last hour an’ more I’ve been gardenin’, as is my job, sir. Ain’t that right Mr. Frodo, sir?

Frodo opened his mouth to concur, but Gandalf interrupted.

GANDALF: Aye, my lad. And how would you be knowing there wasn’t anything to be eavesdropping on if you weren’t eavesdropping in the first place?

The two hobbits looked at each other for enlightenment.

FRODO&SAM: We’re confused.

GANDALF: Alright, nevermind. Frodo needs a companion for his journey.

Frodo stared at the wizard blankly.

FRODO: What journey?

Gandalf: A vacation. You will go as a mechanic, since you’re so obsessed with cars. But don’t let anybody know who you are.

FRODO: Oh, that’s cool. I always wanted to be a mechanic. Not some stinkin’ CEO of some fabulously lucrative, smelly ketchup production syndicate.

Gandalf waved his hand airily, ignoring Frodo’s comments.

GANDALF: Move in that direction. I’ll meet you at Bree.

FRODO: You will?

GANDALF: Yes. No. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are suspicious and must have ketchup!

With that the wizard handed them two suitcases, a horse, and two walking sticks. Once they had gotten outside Hobbiton, he stopped.

GANDALF: Keep it secret, keep it safe. And I’ll take my horse, please.

Gandalf mounted and rode off into the sunset.

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6. COUSINS, CORN, and a DICTIONARY

Frodo and Sam tramped across country for days. At one point they had seen a party of Elves pass their tiny camp. However, Sam had been too busy being homesick to want to meet them. Now they were on the border of the third cornfield they’d met that day. Frodo was beginning to wonder if they were going around in circles.

SAM: Come on, Mr. Frodo, let’s go through Farmer Maggot’s crop to gather provisions.

FRODO: Good idea. Don’t you lose me, Samfool Ohgee.

SAM: Huh?

FRODO: It’s just something Gandalf said to you.

SAM: Oh. Gee. Didn’t notice.

Frodo sighed heavily.

FRODO: That’s why they call you Samfool Ohgee.

Their conversation was brutally interrupted by the appearance of Merry and Pippin. From underneath Pippin, Frodo cried out in high dudgeon.

FRODO: Merry Brandybuck! Pippin Took! What is the meaning of this???

PIPPIN: This—the person or thing mentioned. The nearer one or an other one. Something about to be presented.

FRODO: No! I meant running into me like that.

MERRY: Oh, don’t try to talk to him. He’s been acting like this all week.

Frodo nodded his head understandingly. Merry continued his story.

MERRY: Anyways, we were just out getting some lunch out here in the fields, when we heard alot of shouting and barking. So we ran. And if I’m not very much mistaken, we’d better start running again!

The hobbits dashed across the fields, all the while declaring their mystification that the farmer (in hot pursuit) should be so upset over their habitual filching. So much so, that they ended up tumbling down a hill.

FRODO: Really, I’ve lost all sense of direction now. Which way is Bree?

MERRY: Oh, don’t worry. It was just a detour. Shortcut. Short way around. You know?

PIPPIN: MUSHROOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While Merry, Pippin and Sam all attacked the mushroom ring, Frodo walked on down the lane to see if there were any more. To his dismay he saw nothing but a lot of leaves—a LOT of leaves—coming straight at him. He turned tail and fled back to his companions.

FRODO: Get off the road! Hide! SQUIK!!

Pippin: SQUIK—an alarmed rendition of quick.

Sam: Here! Under this tree root.

After the leaves passed, a Black rider appeared over the tree root where the four hobbits had started playing a game of SORRY.

BLACK RIDER #7: Hisssss

B.R.’s FRIENDLY HORSE: Hi!

Since none of the hobbits felt up to acquainting themselves with this newcomer, they very quietly huddled in the hopes of…it…giving up and going away. It didn’t. It just got closer. Sam noticed Frodo trying to put the Key in his mouth, and gave him a TWACK across the chest. In a flash of brilliance, Merry took his car keys and flung them. The Black Rider, being rather dense mentally (though quite the opposite physically), ran for the keys instead of for where they had originated. Merry promptly started running in the same direction. The others followed, panting.

FRODO: Quick! We must get to Bree.

MERRY: I just lost my car keys. So let’s take the boat. Follow me!

They ran through the forest for sometime, until Frodo again got the impression they were going in circles. Much to their surprise, a raspy voice called to them through a megaphone.

B.R.#7: Stop right where you are and put your hands on your head, or I’ll shoot!

MERRY: Won’t!!

The Black rider tried to snap his fingers, but the mail gauntlet severely hampered that activity.

B.R.#7: Shoot.

FRODO: Run!

PIPPIN: To go by moving the legs faster than walking. To flee. To make a quick trip. To compete. To ply between two points. To climb or creep. To ravel. To flow—

MERRY: That’s enough, cousin of my mother’s sister’s nephew!

FRODO: Isn’t that you?

MERRY: Uhhhh…whatever. Here’s the boat.

SAM: Boats. I hate boats.

MERRY: I forgot. My Brandybuck Boat keys were with my car keys.

The other hobbits stared at him, until they were interrupted by the megaphoned raspy voice again.

B.R.#7: Stop right where you are and put your hands on your head, or I’ll shoot!

MERRY: Won’t!!!

B.R.#7: Shoot.

PIPPIN: Bang.

FRODO: Don’t encourage him. We have a long walk ahead of us.

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7. BREE,’TIS A SILLY PLACE

SAM: It’s been days, and days, and I’m all wet.

MERRY: I concur.

The four hobbits approached the gate of Bree. Bree actually had two gates, but people normally just said THE gate. Frodo knocked uncomfortably. An ill-favored man poked his head through the little window.

GATEKEEPER: What! ‘uor ‘obbits! ‘ot ‘isness ‘ings ‘ou ‘ou ‘ee?

FRODO: Open Sesame.

Under the spell, the gatekeeper opened the door and let them pass. As an afterthought, Merry turned around and cried out

MERRY: Close sesame!

The gate promptly shut.

SAM: Ghastly weather.

PIPPIN: Bleak. Really bleak.

Frodo looked around for the inn.

FRODO: The Prancing Phony? Hmm. Ah well.

SAM: The proprietor is obviously one of the Big Folk.

PIPPIN: I didn’t know you knew what the word “proprietor” meant, Sam!

The hobbits entered the inn with anticipation.

SAM: Of course I do. A proprietor is one who paints signs for inns.

PIPPIN:……

FRODO: Sooo, we’ll just wait around till the busy innkeeper notices us, shall we?

BUTTERBUR: If you’re seeking accommodations we have some nice cozy rooms available, Mr. __?

FRODO: Baggins. All our names are Baggins.

Butterbur nodded his head and turned to help another customer briefly. The other hobbits looked at him in surprise.

MERRY: Were you supposed to tell him that?

FRODO: Of course. I didn’t want to lie, and what better way to hide a Baggins than in a forest of Bagginess!

Sam applauded, but Merry and Pippin stared at them blankly. Butterbur returned to take their order.

BUTTERBUR: Say, aren’t you the CEO of Ketchup Corp?

MERRY: Uhhh, no, he’s a second cousin, twice removed on his mother’s side.

FRODO: Anyways, we’re friends to Mr. Gandalf Wizard, can you tell him we’ve arrived?

PIPPIN: Arrived–To reach the end of a journey. To come. To be successful.

The other hobbits rolled their eyes in exasperation.

BUTTERBUR: Gandalf? Gandalf? Ooooh, yes, I remember!

Frodo waited expectantly.

BUTTERBUR: Not seen him since he didn’t pay his tab 6 months ago.

Butterbur turned to his other customers again.

SAM: What do we do now?

FRODO: Um. Get drunk?

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!


The Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

A parody by ESM

8. THAT MAN

And so it was that the hobbits staked out a table.

FRODO: Merry, you lied.

MERRY: When?

FRODO: Just now, when you said I was the second cousin twice removed to the CEO of KC.

MERRY: You? I was talking about Pippin. Butterbur wasn’t looking at you! He kinda does look like you a little bit….maybe not so many wrinkles yet, and more hair, but….

Merry stopped. Frodo, Sam and Pippin were glowering dangerously.

MERRY: Fine!

Hurt, Merry threaded his way to the bar. The other hobbits ate in silence, until he returned bearing an enormous mug of ale.

PIPPIN: Wha……?!

MERRY: I have a new word for you, cousin. *PINT*: a liquid measure equal to twice that of a half pint.

At this, Pippin dashed for the bar. Sam and Frodo chewed assiduously.

SAM: Who’s that fellow in the corner? I’ll swear that’s pipeweed he’s smoking!

FRODO: *Smoking*?! People still smoke? What about ketchup?

Baffled, Frodo stopped Butterbur.

FRODO: Who’s the guy with the pipe?

BUTTERBUR: His name’s Trotter. He’s a ranger. Lives off the land. Health conscious orcs pay extra for free rangers. Organic, or something.

With a slight shudder, the innkeeper moved about his business. Frodo resolved to convert the smoker at the first convenient opportunity.

FRODO: Where’s Pippin?

MERRY: He’s trying to convince the bartender that he’s not underage.

PIPPIN:…here, I’ll PROVE it to you. My driver’s permit. Pippin Took, 28…

FRODO: Pippin!

PIPPIN: Frodo, I am old enough to drink. Tell them.

However, Frodo slipped on the wet floor and fell on his back. Profoundly embarrassed, he put the Key in his mouth, and disappeared. He crawled around for a bit, exploring the now rather distorted tavern. He bumped into something and spit the Key out. He soon found what that something was.

TROTTER: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill!

FRODO: My name’s Baggins! What do you want?

Trotter grabbed him by the collar and heaved him up three flights of stairs. Frodo was beginning to feel sick.

TROTTER: Whatever. A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry.

FRODO: Indeed not. This is the The One KeyRing, that will….

TROTTER: Oh, can it. I’m not *that* stupid.

Deliberately, Trotter slit Frodo’s coat, revealing packages of motor oil.

TROTTER: Indeed. Own up. You planned to pollute the environment by selling these on the Black Market to earth-haters!

Suddenly, the other hobbits burst in, flourishing breadsticks. Having just climbed three flights of stairs, they felt quite sick and threatened to throw up all over the floor. Sam still had enough strength to cry out in defense of his master.

SAM: Let him go! Or I’ll lave you, Long Shanks!

Trotter shuddered at the thought of a bath from Sam.

TROTTER: I’m not touching him…Are you frightened?

FRODO: No.

MERRY&PIPPIN: Yes.

SAM: Oh, gee…

TROTTER: Merry and Pippin are the only ones with an ounce of sense. You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo. He’ll never catch up. Never thought he’d throw in his lot with a motor oil smuggler, either, but you can never tell with these wizards…

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9. THEM

Five Black Riders crashed through the gate, singing “Push” loudly and better than Matchbox 20. After racing through the streets of Bree for half an hour, one of them found the Prancing Phony. As quietly as their chain mail would allow, they filed into a random bedroom, and found four beds.

#7: Stop right where you are and put your hands on your head, or I’ll shoot!

Nothing moved. #7 thought this very strange, there should have been at least a “Won’t” from one of the beds, if not a “Bang”. The other Black Riders wondered if the megaphone wasn’t overkill.

#7: Shoot. They ain’t here.

After the Black Riders left, Trotter climbed out from underneath the beds and the hobbits instantly barraged him with questions.

PIPPIN: Where’s the chamber pot?

MERRY: Is it time for breakfast?

SAM: Do you have any ketchup?

FRODO: What are they?

Being an ambitious sort of person, Trotter resolved to answer at least one query.

TROTTER: They were once men…no wait, they were once Great Kings of Men, who ruled wisely over….no, that’s wrong…um, well anyways, The Dark Lord Deceiver…I mean Sauron…was playing horseshoes…no, it was Toss the KeyRing…yeah, and he won them all at the county fair.

HOBBITS: Oh.

MERRY: So…Is it time for breakfast?

***************************************************************

10. THEM AGAIN

The next morning Trotter announced he would be going on a trip. Having nothing else to do, Frodo announced that he too would be going o a trip; to get Trotter to give up smoking in favor of ketchup guzzling. Merry, Pippin and Sam, also having nothing better to do, announced they were coming too. And so now they were climbing up hill and down dale for no apparent reason. In general, the hobbits spent their time either asking Trotter questions or playing I SPY. Right now they were in ‘Ask Trotter’ mode.

MERRY: Can we trust you?

SAM: Where are we going?

PIPPIN: Are we there yet?

FRODO: How are we going to get there without asking for directions?

MERRY: Who are you anyway?

Trotter turned around. Being an ambitious sort of person, he endeavored to answer all of their questions.

TROTTER: No. Halfway to Rivendell. No. We must walk 20 paces over hills, 10 paces through a midge-infested marsh, sit down in said marsh while I demonstrate my Rangerness by killing a deer even though I’m a vegetarian, sing you a snatch of a forgotten song, lead you 30 paces over more hills, give you some kitchen knives and leave you to defend yourself on a godforsaken Watching Hill while I go visit my psychiatrist for help with all the stress I’ve accumulated from traveling with you four morons…and that pony that just kinda appeared. I am a future king.

With that, Trotter trotted off. The hobbits settled down to guzzle ketchup until nightfall in a nook in the hillside. Meanwhile, the Black Riders were looking for a place to sleep. #7 thought he saw the perfect spot….until he realized someone else had gotten there first.

#7: Stop right where you are and put your hands on your head, or I’ll shoot!

MERRY: Won’t!

PIPPIN: And take my ashed tomato to boot!

Incensed, the Black Riders jumped off their horses and began climbing the hill. For a while the hobbits relaxed lazily, chuckling everytime one missed his footing or Pippin hit one with a tomato. That was until Sam spoke a little too loudly.

SAM: Too bad they don’t know there’s a perfectly good footpath on the other side.

B.R. #2: There is?!

FRODO: *THAT* is why they call you Samfool Ohgee.

While the Black Riders hastened up the footpath, the hobbits ran to beat them to the top of the hill, hoping for a glimpse of Trotter. It wasn’t long before the Black Riders arrived, swords drawn. Or were they swords?

FRODO: Aaaaa! They’re glowing-humming-collapsible-technicolored-Walmart-quality-battery-operated lucasblades!

Sam, Merry and Pippin tried to use some of the Tae Qwon Do techniques they had learned 10 years before at a Women’s Defense workshop, but ended up flat on their backs and groaning mightily. Frodo promptly put the Key in his mouth, and was astonished at what he saw.

FRODO: Hey, you’re just a bunch of tin men!

B.R. #1: Not!!!

Quite infuriated, #1 took a stab at Frodo’s shoulder. The lucasblade’s plastic tip was, however, cracked, and not only did it break the skin, it left a tiny piece in the wound.

FRODO: AiiiiiiYYYYYYeeeeeeeeE!

At this moment Trotter arrived, wielding a flaming baton. The Black Riders cried out.

B.R.s: Not fair! Ours are only battery operated!!!

TROTTER: Mwahahaha!!

Hastily the Black riders dropped their weapons and jumped off the hill screeching Indian death chants. Trotter knelt down at (the now visible) Frodo’s side, nearly cutting himself on #1’s lucasblade.

TROTTER: He’s been stabbed by a lucasblade….why isn’t it working?

SAM: Oh, gee, I took out the batteries…my alarm clock died this morning.

TROTTER: Weeeeeel, if I had a chainsaw I could fix Frodo up right now, but as it is….we’ll have to take him to Rivendell.

FRODO: *Chainsaw*??!

***************************************************************

11. THE HYBRID

Tired of traveling, the party of hobbits absolutely refused to follow Trotter another step that night. So Frodo lay on the ground moaning and Trotter went off to sulk. Merry was desperate to stop Frodo’s noise so they could get some sleep.

MERRY: Look, Frodo! It’s Mr. Bilbo’s trolls!

TROTTER: Will someone get that stupid motor oil smuggler to shut up?! And Those are *MY* trolls. I claimed them.

SAM: How?

TROTTER: You don’t want to know.

MERRY: Is that what that smell is?

Frodo’s moaning grew louder. Trotter was getting frantic.

TROTTER: Quick, Sam, find the athelas plant.

SAM: Athelas?

TROTTER: Kingfoiled.

MERRY: Ha. Sounds like you.

SAM: That’s a weed…

MERRY: Like him.

SAM:…And I thought it was singsroyal.

TROTTER: It may help me regain the throne.

A tall person, half blonde half brunette, approached the hobbits and an unsuspecting Trotter slowly. IT tapped Trotter on the shoulder. Trotter jumped.

TROTTER: Aiyee!

PIPPIN: An Elf! Is it a boy or a girl?

Elf: What’s this? A free ranger caught off his guard?

MERRY: No. Just a foiled king.

ELF: Give us the Hobbit.

FRODO: Who are you?

ELF: We are Glarwenolas!

PIPPIN: So it’s two boys and a girl rolled into one. Interesting.

FRODO: A hybrid. I always wanted a hybrid. That way if I run out of gas I can use electricity, and if I run out of electricity I can use gas.

TROTTER: And they’re environmentally friendly.

GLARWENOLAS: Quite! Our Master/father/father’s friend sent us to look for you and bring you to Rivendell, Frodo.

Immediately Trotter placed Frodo on the hybrid’s back.

TROTTER: Ride hard.

FRODO: Don’t look back. You’ll knock me off.

Glarwenolas stumbled away, then broke into a weird gallop.

SAM: What are you doing? Those “Stop right where you are and put your hands on your head” things are still out there!

MERRY: Last I heard they had jumped off a 200 foot cliff, ergo….

TROTTER: No, No you can not kill them. They can’t even kill themselves!

MERRY: Hmmm. We’ll see about that.

PIPPIN: That—some person or thing or idea. Who, whom. Which.

***************************************************************

12. ANCIENT SPELLS

For a while Frodo rode comfortably. Then he looked back.

FRODO: Hey. Those Black Riders thingies are chasing us…on badgers and wombats.

GLARWENOLAS: That’s weird. We thought they were dead.

FRODO: Who? The wraiths?

GLARWENOLAS: No, the badgers. We used to hunt them.

FRODO: So, what exactly is the relationship between you, uhh, three?

GLARWENOLAS: Psycho. Here’s the river. We will now cross it, and chant an ancient spell.

FRODO: Who’s ‘we’?

GLARWENOLAS: Glarwenolas, of course! Would a silly little hobbit like you know an ancient spell?

FRODO: Um, Open Sesame?

Right before their eyes, the river parted. With a disbelieving grunt Glarwenolas tramped across. When they got to the other side, Frodo looked back.

BR#1: Give up the Hafling, S/He-elves!

GLARWENOLAS: Now for my ancient spell: *Chance: Go directly to jail. Do not pass river, Do not collect Hafling*.

Undaunted, the Black Riders urged their animals across the river bed.

GLARWENOLAS: Must try something stronger: Wood and water, stone and tree, Jungle favor go with we!

The Black Riders had reached midstream.

GLARWENOLAS: Ada!!!

Still nothing happened.

FRODO: Close Sesame!

With a roar the river came rushing down again. The Black Riders and their noble steeds were washed away, singing “Come Clean” all the way.

Trotter & co. scrambled to the far bank just in time to see the show.

TROTTER: Hey! Glarwenolas! How are *we* supposed to cross now?

GLARWENOLAS: Mwahaha!

TROTTER: Psycho.

***************************************************************

13. SYNAPSES

Frodo was lying in bed, with Gandalf eating ketchup at his side.

FRODO: Gandalf! You’re eating in my bedroom!

GANDALF: Sam has hardly left your side.

FRODO: That is disturbing. Who is that odd looking elf at the foot of my bed?

ELROND: Thanks to my matriarchal skills, you are beginning to mend.

GANDALF: That wasn’t a very good pun, Ellie.

Elrond grew red in the face, and Frodo decided to change the subject again lest a bloody Elf vs. Wizard catfight broke out in his room.

FRODO: Gandalf, why weren’t you at Bree? And have you got any ketchup left? Lost mine.

Gandalf glanced guiltily at the empty bottle in his lap.

GANDALF: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are slick and smothered in ketchup.

ELROND: Clever. You can go play with your friends now, Frodo. Change the bandage every twelve hours and do not take a bath until the synapses are complete.

FRODO: Thanks.

ELROND: Council tomorrow morning at eight. I don’t want that free-ranging organic hunk of orc’s meat around my daughter longer than I can help.

Frodo nodded and mumbled as he walked away.

FRODO: Are *all* Elves this psycho?!

***************************************************************

15. THE NEED FOR A BAND-AID

After dinner Trotter settled down in the library/museum for a peaceful perusal of his favorite novel, “The King Must Die”. Halfway through he was interrupted.

INTERUPPTION: Hi. I’m Boromir, Son of Denethor son of Ecthelion son of…

TROTTER: Pardon?

BOROMIR: I’m the Steward of Gondor’s son. What’s ya reading? “The King Must Die”…not a bad title, is it good?

TROTTER: Yes. Look, I’m trying to read, would you mind not talking to me right now?

BOROMIR: A recluse! A hermit! A—hey, is that a broken sword?

Boromir started playing with the hilt while Trotter looked on in annoyance.

BOROMIR: This sword has a lot of history, you know.

TROTTER: I ought to know, it belonged to my greatgreatgreatgreatgreat-greatgreatgreatgreat-greatgreat great…

Trotter stopped when he saw the look in Boromir’s face.

TROTTER: What’s wrong?

BOROMIR: I just cut my finger! I need Elvish medicine! Elrond!!!! Somebody get me a band-aid!

Boromir ran from the room wailing.

***************************************************************

16. ROMANCE AND A REVELATION

Arwen had just finished preening in the bathroom. No one noticed when Elrond’s daughter slipping out to meet Trotter on a Rivendell bridge, her signature perfume “Garlic Rose” having pervaded every corner of her father’s dreamy residence. Once on the bridge, Arwen got straight to the point.

ARWEN: Do you remember what I said when we first met?

TROTTER: You said you’d bind yourself to me, fors—

ARWEN: And to that I hold. As soon as I can rescue the mad scientist who made Glarwenolas, I will have him make Arwenagorn.

TROTTER: I like Aragorarwen.

ARWEN: Arwenagorn.

TROTTER: Aragorarwen.

ARWEN: Arwenagorn.

TROTTER: Aragorarwen.

ARWEN: Howabout AryArywega?

TROTTER: AryArywegorn.

ARWEN: Fine. As I was saying, as a pledge of my love, I will send Glarwenolas on the Quest with you.

TROTTER: No! Psycho!…what Quest?

ARWEN: (giggle) Didn’t you know? Adar is organizing for a Fellowship to destroy TheOneKeyRing.

TROTTER: What KeyRing?

ARWEN: The KeyRing Frodo has!

TROTTER: He has TheOne KeyRing? And I thought he was just a motor oil smuggler. You must help me seize the KeyRing. It shall be an heirloom of my house…

ARWEN: You are Hesildur’s heir, not Hesildur himself.

Arwen grimaced as she saw Trotter trying to grasp her meaning.

ARWEN: You’re not good enough is my point.

ELROND (in the distance): What are you two doing???!

ARWEN: Discussing history, Ada!

ELROND: I told you not to go near that man! Arwen, you are grounded for the next 15 years. No air hockey, no chemistry, no Gamecube, and NO HUMANS! Get inside NOW young lady!

Trotter snickered something about “young lady”

ARWEN: Oh yeah?! Well guess what, I look a lot younger than you, and I SMELL better too. So there!

Arwen stomped off majestically, ignorant of the toilet paper that had been stuck to her foot the whole time. Trotter snickered some more, until he tripped and fell in the stream below.

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!


The Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

A parody by ESM

17. CONCURRENCE THEOREM

The next morning at eight, there was a council. Elrond presided, and introduced the topic.

ELROND: The KeyRing is evil.

GANDALF: The KeyRing is awful

FRODO: The KeyRing is dreadful.

LEGOLAS: The KeyRing is appalling.

FIGWIT: The KeyRing is immoral.

GIMLI: The KeyRing is depraved.

TROTTER: The KeyRing is unscrupulous.

GLORFINDEL: The KeyRing is base.

BOROMIR: Let us practice the employment and manipulation of this corrupt syndicate!

TROTTER: Boromir, shut up. You make us humans look bad.

Elrond continued gleefully.

ELROND: Nine of you must destroy it. In the fires of Mt. Doom–

GANDALF: Also known as BOB.

ELROND:…in Mordor, where the shadows lie.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

ELROND: Who said anything about walking? Stumbling half alive would be more like it.

There was a contemplative silence. Elrond coughed and pointed at Boromir.

ELROND: Ah, well, since you know so much about it, you can be the first member of the Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

GANDALF: Also known as FORD.

Trotter began musing outloud.

TROTTER: If I remember correctly, this is all a plot to get rid of me.

ELROND: Thank you for reminding me. You can be the 2nd member!

TROTTER: But—

FRODO: Aren’t we getting a little ahead of ourselves with picking the members? I mean, like, who’s gonna take the KeyRing?

ELROND: You. You volunteered. Remember?

Frodo was exceedingly perplexed at this revelation.

SAM: I’ll be staying here.

ELROND: No, Samfool Ohgee. It’s hardly possible to separate you especially when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.

Sam stared at him as if he was seeing a corpse.

SAM: I was too summoned!

ELROND: Was not!

SAM: Mr. Frodo, we’ve been set up!

Elrond waved his hand airily. At once two security elves grabbed Sam and stuffed him in a sack.

FRODO: Gee, was that really necessary?

GLORFINDEL: It’s for your own safety, Mr. Baggins.

GLARWENOLAS: If Trotter is going, we must go too.

ARWEN: (from upstairs window) Bravo Glarwenolas!!

TROTTER: I object.

LEGOLAS: I object.

TROTTER: I really, really, Really object.

ELROND: In that case, Glarwenolas and Legolas will go with Trotter.

LEGOLAS: But—

GLARWENOLAS: Awesome!

TROTTER: Darn that psycho. I think Glorfindel should come too.

GLORFINDEL: I can’t. I’m the Chief of Homeland Security. I head the Rivendell Baking Department. I am Head Steward of the Miruvor production. I am in charge of videotaping all—

In the midst of Glorfindel’s list of duties, Merry and Pippin ran into the council.

MERRY: We’re coming too!

PIPPIN: You’ll have to send us pants tied up in a sack to stop us!

Elrond turned to Glorfindel nonchalantly.

ELROND: Say, Glory, what about that security business? So far I’ve had two hobbits and my daughter eavesdropping on a very secret council to destroy the world!

Sam escaped from the bag.

SAM: *Three* hobbits! We’re being set up!!!!

The security elves stuffed him back in and sat on him. Elrond finally realized what he’d just said.

ELROND: I mean, my very secret council to destroy the world of Sauron!

Gandalf, who had been fairly quiet during all the ruckus, looked down at his yellow notepad.

GANDALF: So, so far we have Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Glarwenolas, Aragorn and Legolas. We need one more.

GLOIN: (Helpfully) Don’t you need a Dwarf?

ELROND: No.

DWARVES: (in unison) Please take Gimli. He is wise, noble, brave, talented, charming, warm-hearted, funny, crafty, smart, wise, noble, brave, talented, charming, warm-hearted, funny, crafty, smart, wise, noble…

Gimli blushed and started flossing his teeth.

GANDALF: Very well. Good. Excellent The Fellowship is now complete. Nine Companions to crush the nine Black Riders.

ELROND: I only see seven.

GANDALF: Glarwenolas equals three people.

ELROND: Nope.

GANDALF: (desperately) Here, Merry and Pippin want to go.

ELROND: Eight.

GANDALF: But there’s two of them!

ELROND: So? They only have brains for one.

GANDALF: In that case we only have two members of the Fellowship. Frodo, Sam, Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli–

LEGOLAS: I have A Problem with my name being used in conjunction with that of a Dwarf.

GANDALF: –only have brains for one, plus Merry and Pippin for another one. That equals two.

BILBO: (from an upstairs window) Bravo! Excellent addition acuity!

MERRY: I guess that means we’re the brightest of the bunch, Pip.

PIPPIN: Did anyone ever doubt that?

GANDALF: I suggest that you, Lord Elrond, go to finish the tally.

ELROND: Me! My wife would never approve.

GANDALF: She’s not here.

ELROND: Precisely. What would she think if I embarked on a hyper-secret mission behind her back? No. You go

.

GANDALF: Me! You’ve no idea what I’ve just been through!

COUNCIL: What? Tell us?

GANDALF: My showdown with the Evil Wizard.

FRODO: Ooooo. Tell us!

GANDALF: Well, I was riding up to OrThank, you see. And my old friend Sourman comes down the stairs. And I’m, like, Hey dude! I’ve got this really bad Ring and I need to know what to do with it. And he was like, Dude, meddle not in the affairs of Wizards, for they are evil with purple ketchup. And I was, like, Wow, dude. What’s with the psycadelic ketchup? And he was like, Dude, I am so, like, totally uniting forces with The Eye, so give us the Ring and we’ll give you all the ketchup you can hold. And I was like, no way, Dude! And he was like, ARGH!!! And I was like, ARGH!!! And then we break-danced.

Gandalf obliged the Council with a break-dance routine.

ELROND: Excellent! You leave tomorrow morning.

FELLOWSHIP: Noooo!

ELROND: I’ll give you a bottle of the special Rivendell miruvor.

FELLOWSHIP: hmmm.

ELROND: Also all the ketchup you can carry!

GANDALF,FRODO,SAM,MERRY,PIPPIN: **YESSSSSSS**!!!!

***************************************************************

18. TO BE OR NOT TO BE

In an obscure corner of Rivendell, Trotter stumbled across a grave marker smothered in ivy. He was closely followed by Elrond.

TROTTER: So this is why I could never find my mother’s grave.

ELROND: In her heart your mother knew you would be a hunted free-ranger all your life.

TROTTER: You mean, I couldn’t be king if I wanted to?

ELROND: You could try.

TROTTER: That’s okay,

ELROND: I’ll let you marry my daughter if you become king.

TROTTER: Wow. That was random.

ELROND: I’ll buy you the crown. A really big one. Your Majesty?

TROTTER: We have an accord!

***************************************************************

19. FAREWELL, MINE

It was a busy morning for the Fellowship. They were packing for the great Stumbling-Half-Dead-Into-Mordor trip.

LEGOLAS: My bow! Where is it? My ten-dollar battery-operated twanging Wal-mart bow?

MERRY: Figwit has it. He’s giving Elladan and Elrohir violin lessons. Where are my socks?

BOROMIR: Hobbits wear socks? Where’s my 9-sided–one-of-a-kind-double-duty-ivory quartet of dice?

GANDALF: I’ve lost my flashlight.

GIMLI: No, you haven’t. It’s on your staff.

In the midst of the bustle, Elrond appeared. Terrified, the Fellowship huddled together.

ELROND Time to go! Beat it. SQUIK!!!

The Fellowship dejectedly stumbled out of Rivendell, but Gandalf and Trotter could not leave without a parting shot.

GANDALF: Goodbye, Elrond! May your daughter marry a human!

TROTTER: Farewell, Arwen! May your father live in his mother-in-law’s flet forever!

ARWEN: Huh?

ELROND: Arwen, get *BACK* in your room!

***************************************************************

20. LEADERSHIP

Out of sight of Elrond’s formidable eyebrows, Frodo halted suddenly.

FRODO: Who is leading this party?

The others looked at each other for enlightenment. Finally…

GANDALF: Me. I’m a Wizard.

TROTTER: Me. I’m a future king.

GLARWENOLAS: Us. We’re a hybrid.

LEGOLAS: Me. I’m a Prince of Elves.

GIMLI: Me. I’m a Dwarf.

PIPPIN: Me. I’m a dictionary.

FRODO: Me. I’m the KeyRingbearer.

SAM: Me. I’m deputy KeyRingbearer.

Merry thought for a moment.

MERRY: Me. I’m a leader.

FRODO: Good point. Merry leads.

MERRY: Um. Okay. My first act as leader is to appoint Gandalf leader.

GANDALF: That’s probably the only good decision you’ve ever made in your
entire life.

MERRY: I accept your heartfelt gratitude. Time to go! Oh, apologies. You give the orders.

GANDALF: Gentlemen, Take a walk!

***************************************************************

21. GETTING PERSONAL

Some days later…

GANDALF: Woops! Time for our individual hero cameos. Look heroic everybody.

TROTTER: Out of a vague curiosity, *who* are we looking heroic for?

GANDALF: Them. Me. Yourself. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are surreptitious and possessed by ketchup.

Not much later, the Fellowship stopped for lunch in a very white boulder-rich countryside. The more senior members drifted together.

GANDALF: We must hold this course for 40 days to reach the gap of Rohan, where Sourman will be looking for us and the Ring.

GIMLI: Dude, that will take, like, forEVER. I say we just go down through my cousin Balin’s mithril kingdom of Moria.

LEGOLAS: That was my ex-girl-friend’s name. Moria.

GIMLI: (sympathetically) What happened?

LEGOLAS: She said she didn’t like the perfumes I wear. So I dumped her.

Trotter coughed.

TROTTER: Actually, she dumped you.

LEGOLAS: Did not!

TROTTER: Did too!

LEGOLAS: Nobody dumps an Elf!

TROTTER: She dumped you.

There was silence for a few minutes. Legolas sniffed suspiciously.

LEGOLAS: Gimli, when was the last time you took a shower?

GIMLI: Um. I don’t know exactly…a month before Rivendell…no, wait…about three weeks before the month before Rivendell I went to my hairdresser. So yeah. It’s been close to three months.

TROTTER: At least he’s honest.

GANDALF: There were plenty of showers in Rivendell.

GIMLI: Yeah, well, they didn’t have my favorite soap. And besides, no elf can do a proper dwarf braid.

LEGOLAS: No one would want to…grease and lice and who knows what else…

Legolas’s voice trailed off. He looked out to the south.

LEGOLAS: Crebain from Dunland!

GIMLI: WHAT! Grease and lice in my beard there may be, but Crebain from Dunland? Nev—

TROTTER: Hide!

The Fellowship crouched, blatantly obvious against the white rocks. The birds turned and flocked away.

GANDALF: They smelled of purple ketchup. The passage south is being watched.

FRODO: Speaking of which, I’m practically out of ketchup.

GANDALF: We must take the pass of Care-and-Thrash, also known as CAT.

Following Gandalf’s glance, the Fellowship stared up at a distant, dismal looking mountain range. There was a universal sigh.

***************************************************************

22. THE BEAR WENT OVER THE MOUNTAIN

The next day found the Fellowship found itself plodding up CAT’s lower slopes. Frodo kept falling behind. Then he tumbled downhill, straight into Trotter’s arms

FRODO: I lost the Ring.

BOROMIR: Here it is. Finders keepers losers wee—

Boromir caught sight of Trotter’s sword.

BOROMIR: Uhh, never mind. You can have it, Frodo.

***************************************************************

23. MORE THRASHING THAN CARING

It wasn’t long before the Fellowship was attacked by a great blizzard halfway up CAT. Legolas, who walked on snow, took frequent breaks, usually sitting under a rock while everybody else struggled to get as far as he. Boromir paid little heed to this, and Gimli expected no more, but Trotter was furious.

TROTTER: He could at least carry Sam.

FRODO: At least? Have you ever tried to carry Sam, Trotter?

TROTTER: I’m doing it right now. He’s in my other arm.

FRODO: …

BOROMIR: We cannot stay here! This will be the death of the hobbits!

Merry and Pippin obligingly started to shiver unconvincingly. At this point several different conversations began at once.

GIMLI: If we cannot go over the mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the mines of Moria.

GANDALF: Let the real leader decide.

TROTTER: Where’s Glarwenolas?

LEGOLAS: (dreamily) That was my ex-girl-friend’s name.

PIPPIN: Name—word by which a person, place or thing is spoken of or to. To give a name to. A word that means any object or group of objects.

GIMLI: (sympathetically) What happened?

LEGOLAS: She said she didn’t like the perfume I wear.

GIMLI: Neither do I.

FRODO: French leave. Two days ago.

TROTTER: Can’t say I’m sorry.

FRODO: Who’s the real leader?

GANDALF: Me. I’m a Wizard.

TROTTER: Me. I’m a future king.

FRODO: Me. I’m the KeyRingbearer.

SAM: Me. I’m deputy KeyRingbearer.

LEGOLAS: Me. I’m a Prince of Elves.

GIMLI: Me. I’m a Dwarf.

PIPPIN: Me. I’m a dictionary.

MERRY: Me. I’m a leader.

FRODO: Good point. Merry leads.

MERRY: Cool. What am I supposed to decide?

GANDALF: Whether we should go over the mountain or under the mountain or forget the mountain completely.

MERRY: Oh. Cool. As leader, I decree that we shall…follow Frodo.

FRODO: Goody! Anyone have any advice?

Silence.

FRODO: Oh. Okay. Boromir, one of your 9-sided dice, please.

Boromir’s attempt to retrieve his dice from his horn (which he used as an auxiliary pocket) resulted in nothing but a squashed Pippin. Impatiently Legolas left his rock and shook out a 9-sided die.

LEGOLAS: Here.

FRODO: OK. Odd roll, we keep going, even roll, we go to Moria—

LEGOLAS: That was my ex-girl-friend’s name.

FRODO: –and if it falls off the cliff we go through the Gap of Rohan.

Frodo tossed the die into the air. Gimli saw it land first and flipped it to 6.

GIMLI: Even roll!

BOROMIR: You touched it.

GIMLI: Didna—

FRODO: Time to go!

***************************************************************

24. THE BEAR WENT UNDER THE MOUNTAIN

And so it was that the Fellowship minus Glarwenolas abandoned the mountain pass in favor of Gimli’s fabled mithril tunnels. The environment where the doors supposedly stood consisted of high, grey, icky stone walls, ruins, and a very disconcerting lake. All in all, to visit the place in a good mood took a whole lot of ketchup (or, in Trotter’s place, pipeweed).

GANDALF: Frodo! Come and help an old man!

Since he had just finished his last bottle of ketchup, Frodo’s good mood was fast failing. He pushed his way through the Fellowship roughly before planting himself firmly and annoyingly in Gandalf’s face.

FRODO: Where?

GANDALF: Here, fool of a Baggins!

FRODO: Hey, Mr. Grumpypants. I was under the impression you were a wise and powerful wizard. But if you’re just an old man….

Gandalf frowned. Frodo cowered.

GANDALF: You feel the KeyRing’s power growing, don’t you?

FRODO: Nooooo.

GANDALF: Of course you do. I’ve felt it too. Give the KeyRing to me, Frodo.

FRODO: Last time I gave you the KeyRing you gave it back.

GANDALF: Actually, I grabbed it. But I won’t do that again.

FRODO: You don’t want the KeyRing.

Frodo waved his hand.

GANDALF: Your mind tricks don’t work on me boy! Just out of curiosity, why not?

FRODO: Because evil will be drawn to it from outside the Fellowship, and I fear from within.

Frodo’s voice had sunk to an ominous whisper, but both he and the rest of the Fellowship jumped when….

GLARWENOLAS: I’m baaaack!

TROTTER: Good grief. The Psycho returns!

FRODO: See? It has already begun.

GLAREWENOLAS: I brought more ketchup.

The Fellowship cheered, and mobbed the hybrid—except for Trotter, who still refused to give up pipeweed.

***************************************************************

25. KNOCK KNOCK WHO’S THERE

Once everyone had received their ration of ketchup, it was time to turn to less weighty matters.

MERRY: Does anyone know where the doors are?

GIMLI: I saw a map once. It’s a very complicated procedure, finding the Doors of Moria.

LEGOLAS: Moria. That was my ex-girl-friend’s name.

Legolas tried to contain a sob. Gimli patted him on the back sympathetically.

GIMLI: What happened?

LEGOLAS: She—

FELLOWSHIP: Gimli, get on with it!

GIMLI: If I remember correctly, we come to a large rock-

FELLOWSHIP: Which one?

GIMLI:–take two steps to the left, follow the wall for 16 paces, spin three times, click our heels, and….

FELLOWSHIP: Well? And?!!!

GIMLI: I forget.

This remark sent everyone—except Trotter– back to their ketchup. Sam stumped ahead, staring at the wall intently. Having regained his composure and smothered the desire to tie Gimli’s and Legolas’ legs together and heave them into the lake, Gandalf perceived Sam staring at a particular patch of wall.

GANDALF: What is Sam staring at?

GLARWENOLAS: (nonchalantly) The door.

FELLOWSHIP: *HE* found the DOOR???

GLARWENOLAS: Sure. Were you looking for a door?

FELLOWSHIP: DUH!!!

GLARWENOLAS: Oh. We could have told you that. We come this way all the time.

FELLOWSHIP: Stupid Psycho.

SAM: There are runes here.

Gandalf pushed Sam out of the way. Then he nodded his head wisely.

GANDALF: They are made of neon.

FELLOWSHIP: Ooooo.

BOROMIR: What do they say?

GANDALF: It reads: “Membership is limited. If number of members is exceeded, annual grants will cease. Please do not submit material rated NC-17.”

A brief period of silence ensued.

BOROMIR: Is that all?

GANDALF: Yes. Why?

BOROMIR: Oh, I don’t know. I was just…kind of…expecting…instructions of how to… get in…on the door. Yeah.

GANDALF: Wherever did you get that idea?

PIPPIN: Idea—A plan, picture or belief in the mind. Thought, fancy, opinion.

Boromir collapsed into a heap, sucking ketchup frantically.

GLARWENOLAS: There are mithril runes here too, in case you mortals didn’t notice.

Apparently the ketchup wasn’t concentrated enough for Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Who you callin’ a mortal? Huh? Huh? You pointy-eared psycho.

GLARWENOLAS: Pink-blooded product of a morganatic marriage!

There was a general gasp.

LEGOLAS: You…you…fake! Psycho! How dare you!

TROTTER: Now, now, we’re getting dangerously near NC-17 material. Glarys, where’s the mithril?

The hybrid stared at the ground sullenly for a few seconds. Legolas seethed.

GLARWENOLAS: You can’t see it unless there’s starlight or moonlight.

The Fellowship automatically looked at the sky.

FELLOWSHIP: No stars. No moon.

PIPPIN: Gandalf has a flashlight.

GANDALF: Fool of a Took! That won’t work!

GLARWENOLAS: Yes it will.

GANDALF: Won’t.

GLARWENOLAS: Will!

Now both Legolas AND Gandalf were mad at Glarwenolas. Boromir got up and took command of the situation with a patient air.

BOROMIR: Try it.

Gandalf sullenly turned on his flashlight, revealing threads of mithril.

BOROMIR: Well? What does it say?

GANDALF: It reads: “Boors Moria, Durin Lord. Amicus vocas et entrada.”

FRODO: What does that mean?

GIMLI: Nothing!

GLARWENOLAS: He’s got his syntax all wrong. Not to mention language.

Merry and Pippin, meanwhile had sauntered down to the edge of the creepy lake.

PIPPIN: I’m bored.

MERRY: I bet I can skip stones farther across this squid-infested lake than you can!

PIPPIN: Can’t.

Pippin had the pleasure of seeing his stone skip 21 times.

MERRY: hmm. Um. I bet I can throw a rock across this squid infested lake farther than you can.

Merry threw a fist-sized stone 20 yards across the lake easily.

PIPPIN: hmm.

Not to be outdone, Pippin picked up a stone and wound up to throw, only to be stopped by Trotter.

TROTTER: Do not disturb the squid-infested water!

PIPPIN: Hey!

Merry grinned evilly as Trotter took Pippin by the hand back to where Gandalf was contemplating the mithril runes.

GANDALF: Ah-hah! It’s a riddle!

FRODO/MERRY/PIPPIN/SAM: oo oo oo! Ask us! Ask us!

GANDALF: The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.

FRODO: So what’s the riddle?

GANDALF: I already figured it out.

SAM: What’s the answer?

GANDALF: I don’t know.

BOROMIR: I knew I should have paid more attention at school. Then at least I would know what that riddle meant. For instance, what’s ‘friend’ in Elvish?

GLARWENOLAS: Sindarin or Quenya?

TROTTER: Normally, I use ‘mellon’.

FRODO: Do you suppose the riddle means for us to recite a speech, like what Legolas or Gimli learned in school?

LEGOLAS: I have a problem with my name being used in conjunction with that of a Dwarf.

Gandalf shrugged. It was worth a try.

GANDALF: Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers….how does it go again?

FELLOWSHIP: I don’t know.

MERRY: Why couldn’t the Dwarves do something simple, like ‘Open Sesame’ or something?

The moment Merry said ‘open sesame’ the doors swung open with a great noise.

FRODO: owwoooieeee! I feel like my nails are being dragged across a chalkboard.

The Fellowship cringed until the noise stopped.

GIMLI: That just goes to show you Dwarves are a lot simpler than people think. I’ll have to tell my cousin to oil the hinges. Come on everybody. I feel a need for raw meat with my ketchup!

TROTTER: I’m a vegetarian, thank you very much.

GIMLI: Oh. Well I’m sure they have a few forgotten lettuce-leaves lying about somewhere…

FRODO: Eek!

FELLOWSHIP: What?

FRODO: Something touched me!

FELLOWSHIP: Come on. Into the mine.

They entered nonchalantly, with Gandalf waving his flashlight around, trying to imitate a discoball. It didn’t work.

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!


The Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

A parody by ESM

26. IN’N’OUT’N’IN

What Gandalf’s psychotic torch-waving did reveal were cobwebbed skeletons scattered about. Most of the Fellowship halted in utter disgust. Trotter refilled his pipe, but the others hastily took to the ketchup. Only Glarwenolas and Gimli were unmoved.

GLARWENOLAS: They were Dwarves, once.

Gimli hopped about, looking intently at the skulls of the skeletons.

LEGOLAS: Give it up, Dwarf. They’re unidentifiable now.

GIMLI: To you, maybe. But to a renowned dentist—

Gimli stopped for maximum effect. The others merely blinked.

LEGOLAS: You’re a dentist?

GIMLI: (modestly) Why, yes. Yes I am. A very good one too, I might add.

GANDALF: (muttering to the others) That explains why Gloin &co were so anxious to get rid of him at the Council!

GIMLI: Anyways, yes. Here is Bumo, and Sneezy the Last, and this is Tundin…

BOROMIR: This is no mine. It’s a dentist’s paradise.

GLARWENOLAS: We call it a well-populated tomb.

BOROMIR: Now let’s get out of here! SQUIK!!!

In spite of Boromir’s urgency, the Fellowship backed out but slowly.

FRODO: Eek!!! Something touched me!

Trotter was vaguely bemused.

TROTTER: You’re psycho too. I like baseball games.

LEGOLAS: I like popcorn.

GLARWENOLAS: I like being psycho with popcorn at a baseball game.

Invertebrate arms resembling squid tentacles grabbed Frodo by the leg. The other hobbits attacked the tentacles, while the remainder of the Fellowship carried on a discussion about baseball, popcorn and the stadiums with the cleanest bathrooms.

FRODO: AAAAAA!!!

SAM: I’m having calamari tonight!

Bravely, Sam hacked away at the tentacles and tossed the pieces in his back pack, with Merry and Pippin holding on to Frodo’s arms. The mutilated tentacles retracted, then flung out again with reinforcements, simultaneously knocking down three hobbits but picking up Frodo with remarkable agility. With this turn of events Sam realized there was more calamari here than he had bargained for.

SAM: Trotter! It’s a Squid-father!

MERRY: Boromir!

PIPPIN: Legolas! Gimli!

LEGOLAS: I strongly object to my name being used in conjunction with that of a Dwarf.

FRODO: aaa! Eek! SQUIK! Oooo! Help! Mwahahaaaaaa!!!

With cries of “To the rescue!”, “Fear not!” and “Cowabunga!”, Trotter and Boromir chopped off tentacles right and left, while Legolas shot the squid between the eyes.

GANDALF: Into the mines!!

There was nowhere else to go. For the few seconds the Fellowship need to run inside the squid-father sat paralyzed with fury. Finally, in the worst temper tantrum it’d thrown for the last two thousand years, it crumbled the Doors.

GANDALF: We have but two choices. Stay here, or go on.

FELLOWSHIP: We need ketchup!

GANDALF: Very well.

The Fellowship followed Gandalf’s light. Trotter nudged Boromir and whispered

TROTTER: Look at that wretch.

BOROMIR: What wretch?

TROTTER: Frodo. What do we do? We risk our lives to save him. And does he thank us? No. Just goes along like nobody did nothin’ for him. Wretch. Filthy, ungrateful, scrawny little wretch.

BOROMIR: You know, for a future king your English is rather wretched at times.

MERRY: Hey, I didn’t even have to say “Close Sesame”!

***************************************************************

27. GOING

In relative silence the Fellowship traversed the somewhat dilapidated byways of Moria. At last Pippin could contain himself no longer.

PIPPIN: I have this overwhelming desire to tell a joke

MERRY: Yeah? Well can it. I’ve heard all your jokes. Have some ketchup instead.

PIPPIN: There was this Dwarf and this Elf digging a ditch. And the Elf says to the Dwarf, “Dude, why are we out there digging a ditch in the hot sun while the Boss is sitting under the shady tree eating second breakfast?” And the Dwarf says, “I don’t know, I’ll ask him.” So the Dwarf goes up to the tree—

GIMLI: Pippin! You’re holding up traffic!

PIPPIN: Sorry.

Pippin scrambled up the next flight of stairs, followed by Merry, Gimli, Trotter and Glarwenolas. They found Gandalf and the others pondering a three-way fork in the road.

GANDALF: Does anyone know—

FELLOWSHIP: No! Figure it out yourself.

Assured of a long wait, the Fellowship settled down to guzzle ketchup and sleep. Pippin suddenly sat up to finish his joke.

PIPPIN: Anyways. The Dwarf goes up to the Tree, and he asks the Boss—

FELLOWSHIP: Be quiet, Pippin!

PIPPIN: And he asks the Boss, “Why are we out there digging a ditch in the hot sun, while you’re sitting under the shady tree eating second breakfast?” And the boss says “Intelligence.” So the Dwarf says, “What’s intelligence? So the Boss gets up and puts his hand on the tree trunk. And he says “Here. Try to hit my hand with your shovel.” So the Dwarf takes a mighty swing and hits the tree, but the Boss removes his hand just in time, and the Dwarf gets knocked unconscious because he hit the tree so hard. When he wakes up, the boss tells him “That’s intelligence.” So the Dwarf is happy and goes back to the Elf. The Elf asks him: “Well, what did he say?” And the Dwarf answers happily “He said it’s because of intelligence.” And the Elf says, “What’s intelligence?” So the Dwarf looks around, but there isn’t any tree. So he puts his hand on his face and says “Try to hit my hand with your shovel.”

Silence reigned. Boromir scratched his head and broke into a grin.

BOROMIR: Heh. That was…kind of…funny! Hahahaha!

ARAGORN: Yeah, you’re right, It was! Hahahahaha!

They began laughing hysterically. Legolas, Gimli and Glarwenolas glared at them and Pippin. The other hobbits continued playing their game of GO FISH.

***************************************************************

28. GOING

Two hours later…

BOROMIR: Hahaha! Have you heard this one? Haha. How many orcs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hahha!

TROTTER: Hahahaha! I don’t—haha!—I don’t know! How many? Hahaha!

BOROMIR: Hahaha! You—haha! –You can’t tell! As soon as the light comes on—hahaha—they all scatter!

They laughed hysterically. The hobbits continued their 14th round of GO FISH. Legolas, Gimli and Glarwenolas ignored everyone else studiously, painting their nails with ketchup.

***************************************************************

29. GONE

Two hours later…

TROTTER: Hahahaha! Have you heard this one? There’s this blonde…an Elf…walks into a diner and orders a pizza, and the clerk asks if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. The Elf says, ”Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

BOROMIR: Hahaha!! That’s a good one!

TROTTER: Hahahaha! What’s a pizza?

BOROMIR: I don’t know, but it’s really funny!

TROTTER: Yeah!! Hahahaha!

Frodo quit his game and joined Gandalf, who had been staring at the archways for the last four hours.

FRODO: Ganny, what’s that monkey thing that’s jumping around down there?

GANDALF: Some things that die deserve death, and some things that live deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be so eager to call other people monkeys. Have you ever seen a monkey?

FRODO: Nooo.

GANDALF: Then you never looked in a mirror.

FRODO: Ganny, how do you know when you’re really in love?

GANDALF: What does your heart tell you?

FRODO: Upon my word! Gandalf, you are truly the most wise and profound person I have ever met!

Gandalf smiled cordially. Glarwenolas got up from (their?) seat, waving (their?) hands about to dry the ketchup-polish.

GLARWENOLAS: Well, fellows, shall we be going now?

GANDALF: But I haven’t decided which archway is the right one! What if we go through the wrong one and end up in some alternate universe?

BOROMIR: Bwahahah! That’s funny! Alternate universe! That’s good!

TROTTER: Yeah! Hahaha! Right archway! Wrong archway! Bahahaha!

GLARWENOLAS: Well, in case you mortals haven’t noticed, there’s a sign above each archway.

LEGOLAS: Mortals! MORTALS!!!! You three-faced ketchup-guzzzling freakish excuse for me!

The hybrid stared at him coolly.

GLARWENOLAS: And Glorfindel and Arwen.

LEGOLAS: Argh!

The Fellowship tiptoed down the right archway’s staircase, leaving the two elves to battle it out. Halfway down, Trotter began again.

TROTTER: Haha. Hey Borry. I remember this one time, my great–aunt slipped down some stairs just like theses-hahaha!-and they had to bury her! Hahaha!

BOROMIR: Hahaha! That’s fun—hey, that wasn’t funny at all!

TROTTER: It wasn’t?

BOROMIR: No!

TROTTER: Hey, you’re right. That wasn’t funny.

BOROMIR: No. It wasn’t.

TROTTER: No.

BOROMIR: Naw-ah.

TROTTER: Not funny.

The Fellowship had now reached the bottom of the stairs. Legolas and Glarwenolas caught up, looking very disheveled and bruised.

GANDALF: Here we are in the Great Hall. Let me risk a little more light.

Gandalf’s flashlight doubled in brightness.

MERRY: Hey! Is that a three-way bulb?

GANDALF: Yes! No. Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are magnificent and protectors of ketchup.

Gandalf’s flashlight experienced technical difficulties.

FELLOWSHIP: Hey! I can’t see!

PIPPIN: See—To look at. To have the power of sight. To understand. To find out. To take care, make sure. To have knowledge or experience of. To attend to. To call on. To receive a call from.

***************************************************************

30. MISAPPREHENSION

Most of the Fellowship would have gladly hit Pippin if they could, but circumstances being what they were….

GIMLI: Oh! Sunlight! I see sunlight! In that chamber! Chase the sunlight! Sweet sunlight!

Gimli ran toward a side chamber. Gandalf cast a look at the receding sound of Gimli’s voice, a look which, had it been visible, would have plainly shown the wizard’s fear for the dwarf’s sanity.

GANDALF: Gimlet!

FELLOWSHIP: Gimlet?

GANDALF: I mean Gimpli!

FELLOWSHIP: Gimpli?

GANDALF: Oh whatever.

All of a sudden there was a deafening howl.

FELLOWSHIP: Save him!

The Fellowship rushed forward into the chamber. They found Gimli doing a Dwarvish death dance around a large tomb.

BOROMIR: Hey! A tomb inside a tomb!

TROTTER: Yeah! That’s fun—

BOROMIR: Bwaha—No, it’s not. Can’t you see poor Gimli is distraught…OMG!

TROTTER: What?

BOROMIR: He’s gonna kill himself with that arrow! Stop him!

LEGOLAS: Why? If he wants to kill himself that’s his business.

TROTTER: Gimli! Don’t do it! The Fellowship needs you! Don’t desert your duty to Middle-earth!

FRODO/MERRY/PIPPIN/SAM/BOROMIR: Bravo! From now on we shall call you Aragorn!

ARAGORN (encouraged): Stop, Gimli! I will make you steward of many realms!

GIMLI: What are you screaming about? Is there something wrong with collecting arrowheads?

Gimli dropped an arrowhead into his pack gleefully. There was a glaring silence. Eventually Boromir put his usual question to the usual person.

BOROMIR: Gandalf, what does the tomb’s inscription say?

GIMLI: Those are runes we learn in the first grade! Whatever do you Gondorians do at school?

BOROMIR: First grade was a long time ago.

GANDALF: It reads: Hereth lieth Balineth, Soneth ofeth Fundineth, Lordeth ofeth Moria.

LEGOLAS: Moria. That was my ex—

FELLOWSHIP: Don’t you DARE, Legolas!

GANDALF: He is dead then.

GLARWENOLAS: Yeah. It’s kind of OBVIOUS!

***************************************************************

31. HOW IT HAPPENED

GLARWENOLAS: There’s a book here. Perhaps it relates the Tale of Moria’s demise. Here Gimli, read it.

Before Gimli could actually grasp the hefty tome, Gandalf snatched it away. He looked at the binding.

GANDALF: A-hah. Just as I suspected. *ADULT FICTION*. Not for people under 500.

GIMLI: Awww, c’mon! It can’t be that bad!

GLARWENOLAS: Actually, this book was the cause of the Downfall of Moria. Remember the sign on the doors, “Please do not submit material rated NC-17”? Those stupid Dwarves read the book, and were doomed.

Gandalf glanced at the hybrid with concern. Gimli stood and processed the information.

GIMLI: And you were giving it to me?

Gandalf opened the book to the final page.

FELLOWSHIP: What are you doing?!

GANDALF: Reading the last page wouldn’t hurt anybody…

GLARWENOLAS: Actually…

GANDALF: Oh, there’s nothing on the last page. Um.

The wizard counted fifty before he found the last page of print. Meanwhile Gimli had uncovered many little secret trap doors. In one he found a cache of shampoo. Thoughtfully, he offered half of them to Legolas.

LEGOLAS: I don’t use shampoo. It damages the brain.

BOROMIR: Where did you hear that?

LEGOLAS: The Health Channel.

Gandalf looked up from his book enthusiastically.

GANDALF: Hey, this is great guys! Wanna here the last bit? Listen. “We cannot get out. They are coming. We cannot get out. They are coming. We cannot get out. They are coming. We cannot get out. THEY ARE HERE!”

Gandalf closed the book contentedly. He was rather surprised to see the Dwarf, hobbits and men all crouching in a corner, shivering. Even the two elves looked like they were having a hard time keeping their composure.

HOBBITS/MEN/GIMLI: I’m soo scared!

GANDALF: Guess they were right about no one under 500.

LEGOLAS: I am totally creeped out, dude. I need some ketchup.

FELLOWSHIP, except ARAGORN: **KETCHUP!!!!!!**

***************************************************************

32. HOW THE OTHER THING HAPPENED

Pippin caught sight of a skeleton miraculously sitting on the edge of the chamber’s well.

PIPPIN: Mwahahaa.

So while the Fellowship was occupied, Pippin picked up a small stone, and threw it a full 21 yards across the chamber at the skeleton. The skeleton predictably fell backwards down into the well with a great and prolonged clatter. Startled, the Fellowship stared at the well until the noise stopped and then at Pippin banefully. The hobbit was nonplussed.

PIPPIN: Beat that, Merry!

GANDALF: Why did you do that?

PPIIPIN: Because Merry bet he could throw a stone farther than I could. But he can’t. I just threw one a full yard farther than he did!

MERRY: Across the lake! I said across the lake!

FELLOWSHIP: Stupid Merry! Don’t make Pippin do stupid things like that!

MERRY: What! I—

Merry was interrupted by flutes in the near distance.

GLARWENOLAS: Our doom is at hand.

LEGOLAS: Orcs!

BOROMIR: Hey, Glarwenolas, how come you know so much about Moria and yet–

LEGOLAS: Moria! I shall never see her again!

BOROMIR: –and yet you never told us about the orcs?

GLARWENOLAS: I said it was a well-populated tomb. The census was one million, three thousand and four last time I read the almanac, but of course there could be more or less by now, considering the reproduction rate of the race in general and the incurable pugnatious nature of the ork-folk.

FRODO: You spelled orc wrong.

Glarwenolas glared at Frodo. Boromir decided to go to the door for a breath of fresh air and was met by two arrows. He shut the door carefully and sauntered back to the group.

BOROMIR: In case you wanted to know, they have a pet cave troll, too.

ARAGORN: (Still very proud of his new name) No matter! We will face them, and they will fall.

GLARWENOLAS: Is your breath that bad? No, never mind! I don’t want to know!

GIMLI: Let them come! They will find one dentist who still draws blood!

FRODO: Yeah. I think it’s REALLY clear now why the other dwarves sent him with us!

Aragorn and Boromir blockaded the ramshackle door. Immediately the orcs chopped it down and poured through the gap.

FELLOWSHIP: Argh!

ORCS: PHEW!!!

The orcs were briefly beaten back by bad breath. The Fellowship looked at each other cheerfully. Suddenly a few brave orcs drug in an enormous Troll, complete with pink hair and bejeweled center. The Fellowship was prostrated by the horrific stench of violets emanating from the troll. The troll stupidly waved its mace around, crashing down, among other places, on Balin’s Tomb. The smell from the tomb revived the Fellowship.

FELLOWSHIP: AAAAAA!!!

The Fellowship promptly dispatched the remaining orcs, glugging ketchup messily. Meanwhile the Cave Troll picked up a spear with the intention of picking his teeth, but ended up stabbing Frodo instead. Vengefully, Merry cut the Cave Troll on the finger with his knife, which was, predictably, covered in ketchup. In pain, the Cave Troll sucked his cut finger, tasting the ketchup. Without further ado the monster set out to lick every bit of ketchup it could find. With the cave troll occupied, the Fellowship turned to other matters.

BOROMIR: (re Frodo) Oh my goodness! He’s dead!…Can I have the Ring now?

SAM: Over my dead body. I’m deputy Ringbearer. I’ve been with him through thick and thin. I didn’t even ask to come on this mission. I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life…He’ll never know…

***************************************************************

33. CONFESSIONS

Frodo choked.

FRODO: Hey! I’m okay guys! Haha! Fooled ya!

The Fellowship gasped and stared in disbelief.

FRODO: Bilbo gave me some spearhead repellant. Pretty cool stuff. So, Sam, what was that moment I’ll never know you’ve been waiting for?

SAM: Uhh…I just wanted you to know that…uhhh…we really love ya, dude. You’re a great Ringbearer. And we all love ya.

FRODO: On second thought I wish I hadn’t asked you. Why didn’t you stay in Hobbiton and marry Rosie Cotton?

SAM: Gandalf wouldn’t let me…How did you know?

FRODO: Umm, you only talked about her 80million times a day, and then in your sleep that time you had the flu.

PIPPIN: Whewhoo! Sam’s got a girlfriend Sam’s got a girlfriend!

LEGOLAS: (sadly) I had a girlfriend once.

GIMLI: (sympathetically) What happened?

LEGOLAS: She dumped me.

GIMLI: I thought you said you dumped her.

LEGOLAS: Oh yes, of course. Nobody dumps an Elf! Must have had too much ketchup. She dumped me. Humph.

BOROMIR: Actually, I suppose she was an Elf too. So even if you dumped her, somebody would have dumped an Elf.

MERRY: (defensively) He said Nobody. Leggy isn’t nobody. He’s somebody.

LEGOLAS: Actually, (takes another swig of ketchup) she wasn’t an Elf.

BOROMIR: A human?

LEGOLAS: Nope.

GIMLI: Not…not an *orc*??!!!

GALRWENOLAS: Purple dinosaur?

MERRY: Dragon?

FRODO: Chipmunk?

GANDALF: Vala?

SAM: Hobbit?

PIPPIN: A cave troll.

LEGOLAS: Nope. All wrong. She was a Dwarf.

At this confession Gimli had a heart attack. The rest of the Fellowship stared blankly. Glarwenolas swallowed hard.

GLARWENOLAS: You…you called me a freak. But tell me, who’s the bigger freak??

LEGOLAS: (gulping ketchup) I’m not a freak. I’m just not…not…

GLARWENOLAS: Normal.

LEGOLAS: Yes. No!

GANDALF: Time to go.

ARAGORN: What about the Cave Troll? Shouldn’t we kill it?

FELLOWSHIP: Why?

ARAGORN: Why, because it’s evil and, and…

Aragorn noticed he wasn’t getting anywhere.

ARAGORN: (starting again) Because, once it’s finished licking ketchup off everything it’ll be addicted, and orcs can’t feed it ketchup because they don’t have any. And…and, well, life with withdrawal symptoms is worse than death!

FRODO: He. Not it. Don’t you see it’s an intelligent life form? He deserves a second chance.

BOROMIR: You called it an it.

FRODO: So did you.

Flutes were heard in the distance, interrupting the impending scuffle.

BOROMIR: Oh, just leave it…him. He’s the orcs’ pet anyhow.

The Fellowship followed Gandalf back out into the Great Hall, but Frodo lagged behind, enticing the Cave Troll to follow with ketchup. Half way across the Hall Gandalf turned around to see what the all-important KeyRingbearer is doing.

GANDALF: Frodo! WHAT are YOU DOING?!!!!

FRODO: I’m going to keep Randy as a pet.

FELLOWSHIP: NO! Stupid fat hobbit! Get rid of him! Now!

FRODO: I am NOT fat! Sam’s fat. Can’t anyways. He knows we have ketchup. Randy’s short for Randalf.

In horror, the Fellowship stood and watched as Frodo fed his new pet ketchup. Soon they were surrounded by thousands of orcs, who luckily were also engrossed in the fascinating performance. At last the orcs were disturbed by a great pounding and light in the distant halls, and scattered.

PIPPIN: What’s that?

GANDALF: I’m not sure yet. Actually I am, but I’m not going to tell you.

The Fellowship turned to Glarwenolas.

GLARWENOLAS: I’m not telling either, but….RUN!!

***************************************************************

34. THE GAP(S) OF MORIA

The Fellowship ran obediently. At the first corner Boromir turned, rushed down a short flight of stairs, and nearly tumbled into the abyss.

BOROMIR: Ahh!

LEGOLAS: Got you! Oh. Discriminatory.

BOROMIR: Huh?

The other members of Fellowship sequentially attempted to throw themselves into the abyss, but were stopped by someone else.

LEGOLAS: Discriminatory. That’s the word I was looking for.

BORMIR: Whatever.

GANDALF: Lead them on, Aragorn! The Bridge of Carl’s Bad Doom is near.

Still feeling proud of his new name, Aragorn hesitated heroically.

GANDALF: Go! Ketchup is no more use here!

The Fellowship proceeded to their right, down stairs that were actually intact. But not for long.

PIPPIN: I have this overwhelming desire to tell a joke.

MERRY: What is with you and stairs and jokes? Get going!

PIPPIN: Can’t. There’s a gap in the stairs.

GIMLI: What are we going to do? There’s a gap in the stairs.

The panic spread throughout the Fellowship at the speed of toast being ejected from the toaster.

GANDALF: Calm down, calm down. This is nothing to the breach of ’83.

FELLOWSHIP: So what are we going to do?

GANDALF: I don’t know.

The Fellowship (except Frodo) stared at the gap for several minutes. Then Randy jumped across.

FRODO: See! He is an intelligent being!

Legolas followed the Cave Troll’s example.

LEGOLAS: Gandalf!

GANDALF: No way am I jumping across that.

LEGOLAS: I’ll tell you a secret…. and give you an extra bottle of ketchup.

GANDALF: Oh. ‘k.

Gandalf jumped.

BOROMIR: Come on, little hobbits! Frodo and Sam…

MERRY/PIPPIN: Hey! We’re your favorites, remember?

GLARWENOLAS: While you’re stalling…

Glarwenolas jumped.

BORMIR: Oh fine. Heave it your way. Boromir leaped across with Merry and Pippin. Aragorn, still proud of his new name, turned to the remaining short people heroically.

ARAGORN: Sam.

He tossed Sam before Sam knew what hit him. Gimli eyed the procedure with distaste.

GIMLI: Nobody tosses a Dwarf!

MERRY: He *is* nobody!

ARAGORN: You’re too heavy anyway. Jump for yourself.

Gimli measured the distance, and changed his mind.

GIMLI: Toss me? Please?

ARAGORN: NO!

Reluctantly, Gimli jumped, but didn’t quite make it, and was caught by the beard by Legolas.

GIMLI: Not the weird- (landing safely)-o.

LEGOLAS: Did you say something?

GIMLI: No.

At this moment a 100-ton piece of rock from the ceiling smashed the stairs with conviction. Frodo turned to Aragorn.

FRODO: I want you to know that we are in a particularly precarious position.

ARAGORN: What does precarious mean?

FRODO: Pippin! What does precarious mean?

PIPPIN: Lean forward!

FRODO: It does?

Instinctively Aragorn and Frodo leaned forward, bringing their segment of bridge into leaping distance with the intact portion.

BOROMIR: (catching Frodo) I always liked you.

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!


The Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

A parody by ESM

35. NOW YOU TELL US

Now that they were all across, it was becoming increasingly inconvenient to *all* stand on the first three steps.

GANDALF: This is becoming increasingly inconvenient.

LEGOLAS: I second the motion. Let’s move on, shall we?

Randy had by this time reached the end of the stairs, and was now crying piteously for Frodo and ketchup. However, there was a question currently burning in Frodo’s mind, a question that, until it was answered, impeded the hobbit’s maternal instincts.

FRODO: Um. Hey Pippin, is lean forward what precarious really means?

PIPPIN: Sorry. No. I was thinking of incline.

The Fellowship arrived at the Lower levels and kept jogging. A great, thumping thing with the fiery makeup made a startling appearance. Boromir turned to the wizard, panting mildly.

BOROMIR: So. Gandalf. Do you mind telling us what we’re being hunted by *now*?

GANDALF: A Balrog. A lemon of the Ancient World.

MERRY (cheerfully): Well, you know what they say: When you’re given a lemon, make lemonade!

He was shamelessly ignored.

ARAGORN: Do Balrogs have wings?

GANDALF: The females do. Quick. Over the bridge.

Without arguing over precedence, vulnerability, heroism, decency and such other archaic items, Aragorn crossed the twine & bamboo bridge, followed by Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Glarwenolas and Boromir. Frodo followed, coaxing Randy slowly over the bridge. Frodo reached the other side, but his pet stopped midway from sheer fright. Gandalf, trapped between the cave troll’s back and the great thumping lemon, turned to face the Balrog. The Balrog spread its wings.

ARAGORN: It’s a girl!

Gandalf took a small book out of his pocket, entitled “Six Impressive and Unlikely Commands” He read the first page intently, then stood up straight and shouted at the Balrog on the far side of the bridge.

GANDALF: You cannot pass! I am a Servant of the Secret Flier, Welder of the Flame of Anor. Dark mascara will not avail you, Flame of Undone!

BALROG: Did I say I wanted to pass, Olorin dearie?

Gandalf SHRIEKED.

ARAGORN: Gandalf? Is something wrong? I can’t see what’s going on with Randy in the way.

GANDALF: It’s my *WIFE*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Fellowship exchanged glances.

BOROMIR: Sorry, dude. We’d help you if we could, but Frodo’s pet is in the way.

BALROG: You’re comin’ a’home with me right now, mister.

The Balrog stepped determinedly on the bridge, but her weight and flaming makeup destroyed the twine. She, Gandalf and the Cave Troll tumbled into the abyss. It seemed to the Fellowship that amongst the noise the wizard cried out some parting injunction. However, they had only just processed the idea when…

FRODO: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! RANDALF!!!!!!!!!!!

***************************************************************

36. LOSS AND THE NEED FOR REFILLS

FRODO: NOOOO Randalf!!!

BOROMIR: Calm down Frodo. We all lose pets sometime or other.

LEGOLAS: I even lost a girlfriend.

BOROMIR: This is a maturing experience, just be grateful you got it.

Frodo whimpered.

ARAGORN: Speaking of which, does anyone know what Gandalf’s last words were?

SAM: Sounded like “Fry your tools”

MERRY: “Tie your spools.”

GIMLI “Buy more jewels.”

GLARWENOLAS: “Fly you fools.”

GIMLI: Oh! To add insult to injury! Not only do I have to fly, I have to be a flying fool!

GLARWENOLAS: Indeed. Shouldn’t be too hard. Jump off the edge here and start practicing.

Gimli glared at the hybrid, until the Orcs started using the Fellowship for target practice.

ARAGORN: The dark has not improved their aim, but I would still feel safer out of range. They might miss, ya know?

The Fellowship followed Aragorn and Glarwenolas out of the mines. No difficult task, for as it turned out Aragorn had merely to turn around and take two steps before crashing down a Dwarvish slide, Glarwenolas and the others after him. When Aragorn came to a halt he was in the pale sunshine once more.

Needless to say, the Fellowship was quite bruised and battered, so they made it a point to lounge on the spotless white rocks that area was renowned for. Aragorn began musing outloud again.

ARAGORN: And to think I thought I was Gandalf’s best friend. He never told me he was married.

GLARWENOLAS: Farewell, Gandalf. I do not say rest in peace, for there is no peace at home for miscreant husbands.

FRODO: Do you suppose we should sing a lament?

BOROMIR: For Gandalf?

FRODO: For Randy.

Frodo cleared his throat. This was impetus enough for Aragorn to get up…quick.

ARAGORN: Everybody take a swig of ketchup before we go.

FRODO: Could I borrow some of yours?

ARAGORN: Like you’re gonna give it back? Uh-uh.

LEGOLAS: Gandalf had my pack.

GIMLI: Mine too.

Legolas screeched as only an Elf or a very angry man can.

LEGOLAS: Do you mean to say that *my* ketchup shared the same mode of transportation as that of a DWARF?????!

GIMLI: Well SORRY, Gandalf said he would carry it for me. It wasn’t *MY* fault, you know!

Aragorn turned to Boromir and Sam while Legolas and Gimli bickered. Sam eyed him suspiciously.

BOROMIR: I’m not sharing.

SAM: Oh *no* you don’t!

MERRY/PIPPIN: (smacking lips) That was good. We’re all out too.

ARAGORN: Nevermind then. Where’s the nearest K-mart, Frodo?

FRODO: Nearest Ketchup-mart would be….in Lothlorien! Yes. 23 percent of Ketchup Corp ‘s total profit comes from Lothlorien. Where did Glarwenolas go?

ARAGORN: French leave. Two minutes ago.

***************************************************************

37. ELSEWHERE IN MIDDLE-EARTH

As should be obvious by now, Elrond was at no loss for reasons why Arwen should not marry Aragorn. At least, if he *was* at a loss, he started all over again.

ELROND: Reason #666 *why* you *should not* marry Aragorn: He’s a ketchup-guzzler. Reason #667 *why* you *should not* marry Aragorn: You’ve NO IDEA where he’s been. Do you REALLY want to be touching him? Reason #668 *why* you *should not* marry Aragorn: Your surname will be Trotter. Reason #669 *why* you *should not* marry Aragorn: He’s your first cousin I-lost-track-how-many times removed. Reason #670 *why* you *should not* marry Aragorn…he eats way to much ketchup.

Arwen merely yawned elaborately and continued surrepticiously drawing cartoons featuring Aragorn and Bill the Pony.

***************************************************************

38. ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT

For once, Aragorn was not at a loss. Perhaps it was the effect of his new name, perhaps the fact that he had given up pipeweed and converted to ketchup in loving memory of Gandalf. Perhaps it also stemmed from the fact that now he had neither pipeweed or ketchup to muddle his brain.
At any rate, Aragorn led the Fellowship, minus Glarwenolas and Gandalf, to the borders of a vast forest. There was no denying that forest was Lothlorien, because of the huge yellow-and-vibrant-orange banner, WELCOME TO LOTHLORIEN which was tacked up on several tall trees. Having never been to leadership school, Aragorn felt that now was the time to give an orientation.

ARAGORN: Line up, men!

Boromir stood at attention.

ARAGORN: Hey, that means all the rest of you too!

LEGOLAS: (sweetly) Are you calling me a man?

ARAGORN: It’s a generic term.

Legolas shrugged daintily.

ARAGORN: But I will if you don’t get over here and pay attention!

The Fellowship lined up, with every attempt to convey a very casual, patient attitude.

ARAGORN: There are several things you need to know before we enter Lothlorien.

LEGOLAS: I know them all already.

ARAGORN: Be quiet Mr. Smartypants. OK. First, an Elf named Haldir hangs out on the borders. He likes to think he’s the border patrol. Please be very *very* VERY nice to him, he’s got two brothers who look like sisters to support and he doesn’t appreciate people calling them girls. And don’t mention Arwen. He’s had a crush on her since 3rd grade. In fact it’s better if you don’t speak at all. Got that?

FELLOWSHIP: Yep.

ARAGORN: Second. Lothlorienolites live in flets hundreds of feet off the ground. No railing.

The hobbits fainted.

ARAGORN: Third. There is a Lord and a Lady of the Wood. They will probably grant us an audience, but if the Lord Celeborn sounds like he’s got a speech impediment, he doesn’t. He’s just out of practice. Lady Galadriel normally does all the talking. *IF* you are asked to speak, speak to Lady Galadriel.

ARAGORN: Fourth and finally. Glarwenolas’ mad scientist is here, in prison the last I heard. Whatever Glarys says, DO NOT GO NEAR THE SCIENTIST. Legolas knows what happens if you do.

LEGOLAS: Glarwenolas the Freakboy happens.

ARAGORN: The last thing we need is Framerin or Legolimir hanging out with us.

LEGOLAS: Or AryArywegorn.

Aragorn turned a horrifying tint of purple.

ARAGORN: Were you EAVESDROPPING????

Gimli chipped in helpfully.

GIMLI: No, but Arwen does write him letters all the time.

ARAGORN: She does? She doesn’t write me letters.

LEGOLAS: She doesn’t spell very well.

ARAGORN: Thanks for telling me, guys.

LEGOLAS/GIMLI: You’re welcome.

His composure regained…

ARAGORN: Fellowship! Forward march!

***************************************************************

39. REMOVE THY FEET FROM THE GROUND, INFIDEL!

The Fellowship entered the wood. About six trees in they were startled to find themselves hanging in midair in a net suspended from several mallorn trees. For a while there was silence from all quarters. Then…

LEGOLAS: Pippin! Would you kindly remove your toe from my eye?

PIPPIN: Can’t help it, Leggy darling! I’m the meat in the Aragorn/Sam sandwich!

GIMLI: You want ketchup with that?

FRODO: Yes please!!!!!

ARAGORN: M um um-um emium!

FRODO: Did Aragorn just say something?

ARAGORN: M Um Um-Um Emium!!!!

MERRY: Something about he wants to marry them.

ARAGORN: OM!!!!

The Fellowship looked at each other as best they could in bewilderment.

SAM: Maybe if Legolas got his foot out of the way so that Gimli could move his head so that Frodo can move his arm so that Merry can roll over so that I can move my leg so that Pippin can give Aragorn some space for him to move his arm out of his mouth, we could hear who Aragorn wants to marry!

The Fellowship contorted itself according to Sam’s instructions.

ARAGORN: I *said*, I’m a Vegetarian!!!

MERRY: Ack. We did all that work just to be reminded that you’re a vegetarian?

Disappointed, the Fellowship rolled back into its original position.

***************************************************************

40. WORDLESS VOCALIZATIONS

Three hours later…

ARAGORN: Ums arm ow.

MERRY: I think he said “It’s dark now”.

Aragorn nodded imperceptibly.

PIPPIN: You two are getting quite good at this.

Two hours later…

BOROMIR: Ilm an-in-om es-u ums?

GIMLI: “Film anonymous UFOs”?

Boromir shook his head.

GIMLI: I need more practice. What do you think he said, Pippin?

PIPPIN: I know! “Will anyone rescue us?”

Boromir nodded. Gimli stared in amazement.

One hour later….

LEGOLAS/BOROMIR/ARAGORN/GIMLI: Om om um iln um-um-es im-er-hom-hmm…

HOBBITS: One at a time! One at a time!!

GIMLI: Om owm e-I-um.

SAM: Say again?

GIMLI: OM OWM E-I-UM!!!

VOICE: The dwarf yawns so loud we could have shot him in the dark.

Gimli was incensed.

GIMLI: I was not yawning! I was saying- “Look out behind you”!

VOICE: Where?

GIMLI: Not you, stupid. The hobbits. We were playing a game. Who are you anyway?

VOICE: I am Haldir, captain of the Lothlorien border patrol. And you called me Stupid.

ARAGORN: Gimli….

LEGOLAS: Haldir! Old buddy old friend! Haven’t seen you for ages! How’ve you been? I see your sisters have grown tall!

ARAGORN: Legolas…

HALDIR: I don’t have any sisters.

BOROMIR: Then who are those girls behind you?

ARAGORN: Boromir….

HALDIR: My brothers.

ARAGORN: (*sigh*) Um, so, Haldir! Go your promotion I see. Captain indeed, you deserve it. How are my future grand-parents in law feeling lately?

HALDIR: Arwen said ‘Yes’?

ARAGORN: Uhh…ask Legolas.

LEGOLAS: What?? Ask me what?

ARAGORN: She writes him letters.

HALDIR: So? She writes me letters too.

ARAGORN: Et tu, Haldir? *deep sigh*

HALDIR: Ummmm.

SAM: He said, “I don’t know”.

Haldir glared at Sam banefully.

HALDIR: Follow me. The Lady is waiting.

Haldir’s sis—er, brothers—cut down the net.

FELLOWSHIP: OW!!!

***************************************************************

41. ELSEWHERE IN MIDDLE-EARTH

ELROND: Reason #893 why…

ARWEN: Hey! Aren’t you done yet?!

***************************************************************

42. OF COMING BACK DOWN TO EARTH

Haldir led the Fellowship through the forest, stopping every so often to note potential fire hazards and such. At last they arrived at an outcropping from which could be seen….another clump of trees. But Haldir spoke of it with pride.

HALDIR: Cara’s Gala Don, the heart of Elvendom on Earth. Realm of the Lord Celeborn, and of Galadriel, Lady of Light.

ARAGORN: What’s up with the tour-guidey accent?

HALDIR: Shut up.

ARAGORN: Shut up yourself. I know my way around here as well as you do. Never asked for no stinkin’ forest warden and his ugly sisters to take me for no stinkin’ fire-prevention course….agh!

Aragorn and Haldir scuffled.

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!


The Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

A parody by ESM

43. HOW GLARWENOLAS CAME BACK TO EARTH

The Fellowship followed Haldir up 80 million flights of stairs when the fight was over.

SAM: (*groan*) Why don’t we just take the elevator?

GIMLI: My legs and feet are numb. Are there any podiatrists here?

HALDIR: Be silent! This is the Audience Flet. The Lord and Lady will be with you presently.

Haldir departed without further ado. Which was not surprising, considering the large welts on his face. The Fellowship waited.

GLARWENOLAS: Hi guys!

ARAGORN: Oh no.

GLARWENOLAS: Say, have you seen my mad scientist yet?

ARAGORN: We, unlike you, are not in the habit of frequenting jails.

GLARWENOLAS: Then where’d you learn to shave, Ary boy?

ARAGORN: Elrond.

Glarwenolas snorted disdainfully. Legolas went to Aragorn’s defense.

LEGOLAS: Well it’s not easy being taught by someone who’s never had a beard!

Fanfare interrupted Glarwenolas’ retort.

ANNOUNCER ELF: The Lady Galadriel and the Lord Celeborn!

A very tall pair of Elves dressed in white and high heels stepped uncertainly down a short flight of stairs. Having painstakingly reached the 3rd step, they halted. Silence ensued. The Fellowship stared expectantly. The female Elf nudged the male Elf.

CELEBORN: I-a-m –th-e L-o-r-d C-e-l-e-born. Nine there are here yet ten set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Pippin, for I much desire to improve my vocabulary.

The Fellowship continued to stare dumbly. Galadriel noticed Glarwenolas disapprovingly. Glarwenolas anxiously stepped backwards….

GALADRIEL: It’s 400 feet to the ground, (Galadriel chortled happily)

~THUD.~

GLARWENOLAS: I’m okay! Don’t worry!

GALADRIEL/LEGOLAS/ARAGORN: Darn it.

GALADRIEL: Ah well. (Dramatically) He has fallen into shadow. The Fellowship stands upon the edge of a flet. Stray but a little and it will fall, to the ruin of all.

GIMLI: Wow, Lady G., you’re a poet!

GALADRIEL: Did you not know it?

GIMLI: I have a great appreciation for poets. Even a love, you might say.

Celeborn grunted.

GALADRIEL: Will you not stay to dinner?

FELLOWSHIP: Ketchup? You read our minds!

GALADRIEL: I’m fairly good at mind-probing, you know. It goes with being a poet. Our ketchup is low, yet you will have it………oh, Aragorn! Look at that bruise! Celeborn, get a beefsteak from the fridge.

ARAGORN: (horrified) But, lady, I’m a ve—

FELLOWSHIP: He’s a vegetarian.

GALADRIEL: Oh. Do you suppose a cauliflower….?

***************************************************************

44. LAMENTINGROUNDLESS

After a rather odd dinner, the Fellowship settled into their makeshift sleeping quarters, beneath the roots of a large tree. It took a while.

GIMLI: Will you guys laugh if I tell you a secret?

FELLOWSHIP: Yes.

GIMLI: ‘Kay.

Silence. The Fellowship heard punk rock in the distance. Legolas identified the noise wisely.

LEGOLAS: A lament for Gandalf.

FRODO: I made one up for Randy over dinner.

Silently, the Fellowship prayed to The Powers That Be: Don’t even *think* about it! PLEASE don’t let him think about it!!!!! NOOOOO!

FRODO: I promised Randy ketchup
Such was plain to see.
But though he had his fill of ketchup
Hs fate was subterranean sea.

FELLOWSHIP: Lovely, Frodo! No more!

FRODO: More? Okay.
Randalf was a cave troll.
Pure in heart and mind.
But ketchup was his downfall
His fate was left behind.

Aragorn left quickly before Frodo could start another dirge and stumbled over Boromir. Immediately he knew something was wrong.

ARAGORN: Having trouble with dinner?

BOROMIR: Yeah.

ARAGORN: Those eggs must have been well over 2,000 years old. Elves have no sense of time. Eggs should come individually stamped with the due date, including the year.

BOROMIR: I hear they serve 1,000 year-old eggs in China.

ARAGORN: Where’s China?

BOROMIR: Dunno. Excuse me.

Boromir disappeared behind a tree.

ARAGORN: Ewww.

Boromir reappeared.

BOROMIR: That’s better. Now we can lay plans ensuring the security of our camp.

ARAGORN: Get some rest. These borders are well protected.

BOROMIR: Actually, that’s what’s bothering me…besides dinner. Will they ever let us out? Galadriel seems to be enjoying the presence of intelligent life forms.

ARAGORN: Oh, don’t worry. When we are ready to leave somebody can randomly refer to Galadriel’s Birdbath as a mirror.

BOROMIR: Ah. You know, I learn a lot when I’m with you.

ARAGORN: I learn a lot when I’m with me too.

***************************************************************

45. IN PURSUIT OF

Even Frodo had fallen asleep when Galadriel came for a late-night visit. She began throwing pebbles at the KeyRingbearer’s slumbering self.

GALADRIEL: Psst! Frodo!

Frodo turned over, muttering something about, what else, ketchup and Randy.

FRODO: Yes, I’m a natural blue. Sea monkey’s got my keys. Got my wallet too. It’s a he, not an it. NO. Ketchup abounds. Please, Randy needs the keys! It’s a blue he, not a blue key. Pass ketchup..

Galadriel threw more stones, harder.

GALADRIEL: Psst! FRODO!

One hour later…the Lady of the Wood was intensely irritated.

GALADRIEL: PSSST! FRODO!!!!!

Frodo snored on peacefully. Galadriel threw up her arms.

GALADRIEL: Ketchup!!!

Instantly the Fellowship scrambled to their feet. Everybody except Frodo—the shortest—bumped their heads on the tree root and were knocked unconscious.

FRODO: Did somebody say ketchup?

Instantly the Fellowship scrambled to their feet. Everybody except Frodo bumped their heads on the tree root and were knocked unconscious again.

GALADRIEL: Suivez-moi.

FRODO: Huh?

GALADRIEL: Follow me! It means FOLLOW ME in….Chinese, I think.

FRODO: Oh.

***************************************************************

46. THE BIRDBATH OF DOOM

FRODO: Where are we going?

Galadriel coughed mysteriously.

FRODO: Are we there yet?

Galadriel coughed impatiently.

FRODO: Can I have some ketchup?

Galadriel coughed disdainfully.

FRODO: Do you need a lozenge?

Galadriel started to cough, then cleared her throat.

GALADRIEL: No. Look at this.

Galadriel entered a small hollow and approached a silver birdbath. She filled the basin with water from a silver pitcher. Frodo approached cautiously.

GALDRIEL: Will you look into the Birdbath?

FRODO: What will I see?

GALADRIEL: (irritated) Oh, don’t worry. I cleaned it out yesterday.

FRODO (hastily): Ok, OK, I’ll look!

The Lady was appeased. She continued her spiel.

GALADRIEL: It will show you many things. Things that were. Things that are. And some things…

FRODO: Yes?

Galadriel smiled cheesily. Rather taken aback, Frodo peered into the Birdbath for what he thought was a polite amount of time.

FRODO: Ok. I’m done looking.

GALADRIEL: Was that not your life’s most intriguing?

FRODO: I guess so.

GALADRIEL: Guess so! But you must *know*! What did you see?

FRODO: Water, and bird–

GALADRIEL: Frodo!

FRODO: Sorry.

Perplexed, Galadriel inspected the Birdbath then brightened and inserted a CD-rom into the Birdbath’s base. Frodo looked on with interest. There were a few clicking sounds, and then Galadriel ejected the CD-rom. Finally she adjusted a twig on the ledge behind her.

GALADRIEL: THERE. *Now* Look. Much effort it took to re-establish the Internet connection, but ‘tis done.

Reluctantly, Frodo peered in again.

GALADRIEL: Well?

FRODO: I see…Glarwenolas. And he’s with a freaky purple dinosaur. They’re talking. How come I can’t hear anything?

GALADRIEL: The speakers were set for stereo and the Birdbath only does mono so it sounded weird. I sent them back to Walmart for a refund.

FRODO: Um-hum. Well, now I see…. RANDY!!!!!

Frodo burst into tears. The Lady of the Wood saw that now was her chance

GALADRIEL: (wisely) I see you are troubled with much care
Dry thy tears with thy hair.
Lonely is a Ring to bear.
Chase those sorrows to their lair.
And present the Ring to Me,
This chance so rare
Comes only to those who dare to dare
A queen I’ll be
So dark yet Fair
Give the Ring to Me!
I implore this of thee.

Sickened by the mother of all bad poetry, Frodo gaped.

FRODO: Here. I have an idea. Let’s play a game. You guess which fist the Ring is in and I’ll give it to you.

GALADRIEL: Really?!

FRODO: Really.

Galadriel stared at his fists, then pointed confidently at his left hand. Frodo opened it with an expression of mock horror.

FRODO: Haha! You’re *wrong*! The Ring is still mine!

GALADRIEL: That’s not fair! You lied! You said it was the left fist!

FRODO: Yeah? Well it wasn’t fair to start mind probing.

GALADRIEL: Alas! I will diminish, and raise tomatoes in the West!

FRODO: There isn’t a better occupation in the whole of Middle-Earth. Excuse me. I just remembered….I promised Lindy at K-mart to have my portrait taken for the store. I need my beauty sleep.

Frodo started to walk away, stopped and examined his reflection in the birdbath.

FRODO: And thanks for letting me use your Mirror!

GALADRIEL: (screeching) MIRROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

EVERYBODY IN LOTHLORIEN: Uh-oh.

FRODO: Was it something I said?

***************************************************************

47. TRAINING

In a tall, spindly obsidian tower, there lived a wizard who was obviously trying to compensate for something. He was pacing an untidy obsidian room.

SARUMAN: (muttering to himself) So. My plans to overthrow the Dark Lord of Nothing are coming along as fast as you can squeeze purple ketchup out of a glass Heinz bottle. Must find secret way to speed up process….

The wizard sneezed, grimaced, and summoned his chamberlain.

SARUMAN: Orkumania!!!!!

A small orc limped into the untidy obsidian room.

ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup?

SARUMAN: I sneezed.

ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.

SARUMAN: Have you finished weeding the garden?

ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.

SARUMAN: Then why am I sneezing?

ORKUMANIA: Because you have a cold, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.

SARUMAN: I knew that. I was just testing you.

ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.

SARUMAN: And for Purple Ketchup’s sake, stop it with that Lord stuff! Dude is good enough.

ORKUMANIA: Yes, Dude White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.

SARUMAN: Argh. (Talking to self again) This millennium edition stinks. Luckily I have invented Orc version 6.0. LURTZ!

A tall, handsome orc entered the room.

LURTZ: Hai.

SARUMAN: Hi. (Talking to self again.) Ah yes, the pinnacle of modern technology, the apex, the summit, the BEST orc out there. So intelligent, talented, capable, fearless, useful…I bet if he took the SAT he would score 1601! Oh, am I not the most ingenious of scientists addicted to Purple Ketchup?!

LURTZ: Hai.

SARUMAN: Hi. (Talking to self again) Here, let me demonstrate how scintillating is this prodigy’s wit! Lurtz! Do you know how the orcs first came into being?

LURTZ: Hai.

SARUMAN: That’s right! An Elf named Hai was taken by the Dark Powers, and was forced to watch Barney for 3 thousand years. (Talking to self again) Now, are you not convinced of his brilliance? So succinct in his wording! Precise! Brief! Articulate! What? Still not satisfied? Very well. Lurtz! Whom do you serve?

LURTZ: Hai. Lamb chops sautéed in manioc syrup. Manflesh soured with lemon juice and rice vinegar. Horsehocks softened in trinity marinade.

SARUMAN: Hmm. Not quite the ‘whom’ I was looking for. You must say, “ The Lord of the White Hand Covered in Ketchup Dude.” Otherwise you’ll get me in trouble. Now say what I just said.

LURTZ: Said Covered Not Hand Dude Say You of the Otherwise I What Hmm Trouble.

SARUMAN: Argh.

LURTZ: Hai.

Several hours later….

SARUMAN: Now. For the last time. Whom—

A buzzer went off.

SARUMAN: No! Why does he have to call at a time like this?

With a shudder, he uncovered a large black marble. Or else it was a bowling ball.

VOICE: Sssssaruman! How are you doing! Whasssup?

SARUMAN: J-just-t f-f-fine, mmy L-lord-d! I-I have a whole ar-army ready…a whole army of hais—

LURTZ: Hai

.
SARUMAN: …ww-waiting t-to s-sserve you, their lord, mmmyy Lord!

VOICE: Very good. Who isss that with you, preciousss?

SARUMAN: An Uruk-hai, my-

LURTZ: Hai.

VOICE: Hi. I suppose he’s been through the customary training?

SARUMAN: …

VOICE: Whom do you sssserve?

LURTZ: Sourman!

Saruman fainted.

***************************************************************

48. PRESENTS

The Fellowship was leaving.

GALADRIEL: And now it is time to say farewell. You have had your rest, now time for your Quest.

GIMLI: Ah, Lady G.! Your sweet poetry! Tis music to my ears, nearly brings me to tears!

GALADRIEL: I have presents for you all. For Boromir, I have a bracelet.

BOROMIR: Um. Thanks?

GALADRIEL: For Legolas I have a bow.

LEGOLAS: Haha! *I* get an Elfly present; shoot baddies with, I—hey!

ARAGORN: What?

BORMIR: Ha! *Elfly* Present! Ribbons! Elves wear bows! Hahaha!

Legolas ran off to sulk under a tree, and Boromir joined him.

GALADRIEL: For you Aragorn,

ARAGORN: Uh-oh.

GALADRIEL: I have already given you your gift. That necklace. I gave it to my daughter, and she gave it to hers, and *she* gave it to you.

ARAGORN: Cheap-o.

Aragorn joined Legolas and Boromir.

GALADRIEL: For you, Frodo, I give you—

FRODO: Let me guess. You let me keep the KeyRing. That’s your gift to me.

GALADRIEL: Your mental acuity is astounding. It shall be a light for you in dark places. Now Sam. To you I give a glob of Jell-O. Raspberry flavored.

SAM: Thank you.

GALADRIEL: Merry and Pippin. To you I give these bottles.

PIPPIN: Hmm. Mr. Bubbles. Cool.

GALADRIEL: And now for my dear Dwarf, who appreciates so well my poetic talents. What would he have from me?

GIMLI: Uh, well, I, um, heh, I guess…would it be too much, of course it would, uh…I daren’t…oh all right. I would have one of your teeth, Most Talented of All Races. One of your pearly white teeth.

GALADRIEL: Why?

GIMLI: Because I’m a dentist. And your teeth are gorgeous.

GALADRIEL: Very well. Never let it be said that a Dwarf outdid an Elf in fairness. You may have *all* my teeth. Enjoy them.

Galadriel solemnly handed her dentures to an awed Gimli.

GALADRIEL: Euie ar a, oo!

MERRY: She said “Genuine Dwarf-make, too”.

ARAGORN: That explains a lot.

BOROMIR: My bracelet is almost princely compared with *dentures*.

***************************************************************

49. BOATS, BARNACLES, AND….BRICKS?

Galadriel left the Fellowship. Aragorn heaved a sigh of relief and made ready to leave.

ARAGORN: Into the boats! Where’s the boats?

CELEBORN: (from behind) Ar-ra-gorn.

Aragorn jumped.

ARAGORN: YIKES!!! Don’t EVER do that again.

CELEBORN: Here is a sw-ord…. I mean a dan-ger. You are in dag-ger. You are bee-ing track-ded. That is all.

ARAGORN: Um. Thanks. Bye.

CELEBORN: Bye.

Aragorn looked around for the missing boats, and ran into a giggling, singing group of Elves.

RANDOM ELF1: We were sent by The Mad Scientist with gifts. Here. These are the hats of our people. They will disguise you in your dealings with outsiders.

The Elves presented each member with a sombrero.

RANDOM ELF2: Here are some ketchup and Nabisco crackers.

FELLOWSHIP: KETCHUP!!!!!!!!!!

RANDOM ELF3: Here are three rafts.

Boromir inspected the label.

BOROMIR: ** Guaranteed not to sink. RAFTABLES tm not responsible for lost persons or property. Removal and proper disposal of plastic wrapping will greatly reduce the risk of heart disease in barnacles. Please respect the environment.**

LEGOLAS: Aye-ya.

RANDOM ELVES: Goodbye! Good-bye! Bye! Good-bye!

The Fellowship embarked, and floated away.

RANDOM SINGING ELVES: Follow the yellow brick river! Follow the yellow brick river! Follow Follow Follow Follow Follow the Yellow Brick River!

FRODO: Do you get the feeling that, well, the Lothlorienolites are a little bit, um…

FELLOWSHIP: NUTS!

***************************************************************

50. ELSEWHERE IN MIDDLE-EARTH

Yes, he was still at it.

ELROND: Reason #1561 *why* you should NOT marry Aragorn: You will die. Reason # 1562 *why* you should NOT marry Aragorn: He will die. Reason# 1563 *why* you should NOT marry Aragorn: Your kids will die.

ARWEN: I’m gonna have kids? Yay!

ELROND: Oops.

***************************************************************

51. YOU HAVE NO NAMES, ONLY BLACK SUITS

In the mud pits underneath that tall, spindly obsidian tower that was obviously compensating for something, Saruman stood at a podium and shuffled through his notes.

SARUMAN: ROLECALL!!! For the Expedition in Pursuit of life, liberty and happiness…. wait a minute.

Saruman shuffled through his notes once more.

SARUMAN: For the Quest in Pursuit of Hobbits and Their Trinkets. Lurtz!

LURTZ: Hai.

SARUMAN: Sally!

SALLY: Hai.

SARUMAN: Discombob, otherwise known as Bob.

BOB: Hai.

SARUMAN: Tinkle Winkle.

T.W.: I prefer Ink!

SARUMAN: Just say “Hai”.

INK: Hai.

SARUMAN: Smelly de la Shelly la Shcelly. Sh for short.

SH: Hai.

SARUMAN: Bobcomdisc, a.k.a. Bob…there’s two Bob’s?

BOB2: Hai.

SARUMAN: That’s confusing. I’m going to name you Ugluk.

UGLUK: Sounds like ketchup.

SARUMAN: Kind of, yeah….but not really. Now. Each of you take 5 other Uruk-hai and go. You know what to do.

URUKS: Hai!

SARUMAN: And if you run into any of the Stinkin’ Dark Lord’s inferior versions, remember that you are the Hai-ing Uruk-hai 6.0!

URUK-hai 6.0: HAI!!!!

***************************************************************

52. OF GREEN KETCHUP AND CRACKERS

On the Yellow Brick River, the Fellowship was drifting down carelessly.

FRODO: Anyone care to speculate why the Lothlorienolites are so nuts?

Pippin broke open another package of crackers.

PIPPIN: No.

The Fellowship munched on crackers and green ketchup absently.

PIPPIN: (singing quietly) Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream!

MERRY: Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily!

BOROMIR: Life is but a dream!

GIMLI: (louder) Row, row, row your boat! Gently down the stream!

LEGLAS: Merrily merrily merrily merrily!

ARAGORN: Life is but a dream!

SAM: Row, row, row your boat! Gently down the stream!

FRODO/MERRY: Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily! Life is but a

FELLOWSHIP: (Really loud) DREAM!!!! Row, row, row your boat! Gently down the stream! Merrily merrily merrily merrily!

HOBBITS: LIFE is BUT a DREAM!!!

FELLOWSHIP: Row, row, row your boat…

***************************************************************

53. THE NEED FOR ATTENTION

BOROMIR: Oh shoot, I’m out of crackers.

FELLOWSHIP: Merrily merrily merrily merrily Life is but a dream!

BOROMIR: Did anyone notice this ketchup is green?

Boromir also noticed a waterfall ahead.

BOROMIR: Row, row Row your boat! Gently *UP* the stream! Merrily merrily merrily merrily life will be a dream!

LEGOLAS: You’re messing up the words!

Merry and Legolas suddenly noticed the waterfall too.

MERRY/LEGOLAS: (alarmed) Row, row, row your boat! QUICKLY *UP* THE STREAM! Merry says Merry says Merry says Merry says I am gonna scream!

FELLOWSHIP: Huh?

((WAIT! What happens next? Why did Boromir run out of crackers? Are the poor members of the Fellowship successful in communicating the imminent danger to the Ringbearer and other passengers? Is Frodo injured? Why is the alarmed hobbit alarmed? Are the rafts wood, or aluminum?!))

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!


The Fellowship of the Ring’s Destruction

A parody by ESM

54. SO HATH GREED INFILTRATED THE FELLOWSHIP

For a short time the Fellowship was desperately paddling upstream.

FELLOWSHIP: ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT! QUICKLY UP THE STREAM! MERRY SAYS MERRY SAYS MERRY SAYS MERRY SAYS:

MERRY (chanting): Oh-look-there’s-a-dock-right-there-let’s-try-and-float-our-RAFTABLES™-there-before-we-all-drown!

The Fellowship managed to dock their rafts, and unload. The Raftables™ promptly sank.

RANDOM MAN WITH BLACK LEDGER: Hey! It’s a *shilling* to tie up your boats at the dock! And I’ll need to know your names.

The Fellowship glanced at where the RAFTABLES™ *were*.

ARAGORN: What do you say to a packet of ketchup, and we forget the names? Hmm?

RANDOM MAN WITH BLACK LEDGER: Okay. Yum.

Random Man walked away with the ketchup and Black Ledger.

SAM: So. We’ll camp here, shall we?

ARAGORN: Right-o, little fat hobbit. What do you say to lunch?

HOBBITS: Swell!!!!

The Fellowship rummaged though their packs for ketchup and crackers.

BOROMIR: I’m out of those crackers.

LEGOLAS: Say. Me too.

ARAGORN: I could’ve sworn I had ten packages left in my pack…

Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir looked suspiciously at the hobbits and Gimli, who were merrily crunching crackers and green ketchup. And singing.

PIPPIN: Oh Shenandoah! I love your daughter! Away! You rolling river!

SAM & FRODO: Never made it as a wise man! Couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing! Tired of living like a blind man! Sick of sight without a sense of feeling!

MERRY: …And this is how You remind me of what I really am!

GIMLI: Hi-ho! Hi-Ho! It’s off to work we go!

Pippin noticed the “big people” staring at them with dismay and something like insanity.

BOROMIR: My crackers.

ARAGORN: My crackers.

LEGOLAS: MYYYY CRACKERS!!!!!

HOBBITS/GIMLI: AAAAAAAHH!!!

Fellowship free for all ensued. Legolas tackled Gimli. Boromir made the mistake of trying to catch both Merry and Pippin at once. Aragorn brought down Sam, but not before Sam passed his stolen crackers to Frodo. Merry and Pippin caught on, handed Frodo their crackers, and then tried to decoy Boromir while Frodo makes his escape. Gimli unwittingly traded Legolas for Sam, so then Aragorn and Legolas scuffled until they realized that their opponents were much taller than they should be. Boromir finally caught on to the Hobbits’ scheme and went after Frodo while Merry and Pippin were left hiding in a hole with their packs.

***************************************************************

55. HUNGER WILL MAKE CORPSES OF US ALL

Frodo, having (he hoped) made good his escape, crouched behind an ancient statue’s fallen caput, nibbling anxiously at a cracker. But Boromir espied him. Cautiously, he assembled a bundle of kindling before approaching.

BOROMIR: I know why you seek solitude.

Frodo jumped.

BOROMIR: You’re hungry, I see it day by day. Are you sure you did not steal my crackers needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo. Other paths that we might take.

FRODO: I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my stomach.

BOROMIR: Warning? Against what? We’re all hungry, Frodo. But to let that hunger drives us to do what is wrong…Don’t you see it’s madness?

FRODO: There is no other way!

BOROMIR: I ask only for the strength to defend my people!

Boromir tried to snap a sturdy piece of kindling, and failed. He looked at Frodo pleadingly, certain he had proved his point about needing strength.

BOROMIR: If you would but *lend* me the crackers…

FRODO: No!

Frodo stepped back.

BOROMIR: Why do you recoil? I am no thief. Unlike you.

FRODO: You are not yourself.

BOROMIR: What chance do you think you have? They will find you. They will take the crackers. And you will die of starvation!

FRODO: Hmm. Lose-lose situation. Best thing to do in a lose-lose situation? Run! Bilbo taught me tha…

Frodo started edging away, apparently trying to gain momentum….or something.

BOROMIR: You fool! They are not yours save by vile deceit! They should have been mine! They *were* mine! Give the crackers to me!

FRODO: NEEEEVVVERRRRRR!!!!!…..Remember that day you called Randy an It?

BOROMIR: So did you say it first!

FRODO: Liar! Fiend! Thief! I defy you! RANDYYYYYYYY!

Boromir lunged at Frodo. Frodo runs, but Boromir tackled him. Frodo slipped the Key into his mouth, and donned his sombrero. Boromir felt a great force suddenly knock him backwards. He was frantic.

BOROMIR: I see your mind!

Boromir slipped and fell.

BOROMIR: Frodo? Frodo! I’m sorry! I’m also hungry!

Elsewhere, Frodo stood on a medium-sized stone porch. He had doffed the Sombrero and removed the Key.

FRODO: Hey! What’s that?….O sweetness! TV! And a beanbag! And crackers! Oh sweet mother of comfort! What more could a hobbit want?

Frodo settled in to watch a very scary movie concerning a large black tower and a disembodied eye. He got so scared he backed off the porch, falling on his back at, predictably, Aragorn’s feet.

ARAGORN: Frodo!

FRODO: Ahhh! The Eye! The Eye! They have a TV!

ARAGORN: Where are my crackers?

FRODO: Stay away!

ARAGORN: But I swore to protect you!

FRODO: You did? When? Anyway, can you protect me from your stomach?

ARAGORN: Uhhh…

Frodo help out a handful of crackers.

FRODO: Hunger has taken Boromir. Would you ignore it?

ARAGORN: I’m gonna count to five, and if you haven’t eaten all those crackers by then, I’ll…

Frodo ran. Aragorn turned around to find Lurtz and the gang approaching.

ARAGORN: Hi.

URUKS: Hai!

ARAGORN: So. Who are you?

URUKS: The Hai-ing Uruk-hai 6.0!

ARAGORN: Ummm. Cool. So. Wanna watch TV?

The Uruks nodded enthusiastically and climbed up the porch with Aragorn. They then proceeded to have a fight over who got the beanbag. At last Aragorn could no longer put up with the bickering.

ARAGORN: Oh! Go find a hafling.

LURTZ: FIND THE HAFLING!

The Live Uruks scattered. Aragorn rolled the dead ones off the porch.

ARAGORN: I wonder. Was I supposed to say that?

***************************************************************

56. MR.BUBBLES

Frodo ran downhill. He noticed Uruks closing in and hid behind a tree. It just so happened that the tree was near Merry and Pippin’s hideout.

PIPPIN: Frodo! Hide here quick!

Frodo shook his head, and tossed them a few crackers.

PIPPIN: (to Merry) What’s he doing?

MERRY: (to Pippin) Looks like he’s striking off on his own. About time too. Goodbye Frodo!

Pippin leaped out of his hole in dismay.

PIPPIN: No! He’s got my crackers!

MERRY: Pippin! The Uruks will see us! (looking at Frodo) Run, Frodo. We’ll take care of this.

Frodo obliged. Merry grabbed Pippin, handed him his bottle of Mr. Bubbles, and told him to put on his sombrero for camouflage. Merry did the same.

PIPPIN: Hey Merry. Merry? Merrrry! Where are you? Merry?!! Who’s that purple dinosaur?

MERRY: I’m right here, stupid. Who’s the purple dinosaur in front of me? Where are you? And why is the dinosaur holding Pippin’s bottle of Mr. Bubbles?

PIPPIN: *I* am holding my bubbles…

The two purple dinosaurs stared at each other.

MERRY/PIPPIN: EEEEEK!!!!!

ADVANCING URUKS: Hai! EEEK!

The two purple dinosaurs clumsily began blowing bubbles for dear life.

URUKS: Ooo!

The Uruks stopped to pop the bubbles, giggling.

***************************************************************

57. BARNEY IS EVERYWHERE

Meanwhile Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli were watching TV with a few slacker Uruks.

And Sam was running through the trees, yelling.

SAM: Lassie! RUUUUUUUDYYYYY! Laaaaasssssie! LASSIE! RUDYYYYYY!

And Frodo was standing on the banks of the Yellow Brick River, sobbing.

FRODO: What am I going to do? I wish Gandalf was here. Randy was a monkey to trap him like that…Randy!

GANDALF: (voiceover) Some things that die deserve death, and some things that live deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be so eager to call other people monkeys. Have you ever seen a monkey?

FRODO: Gandalf? You’re alive!

GANDALF: No spoilers!

FRODO: (wisely) Oh. Okay. (changes subject loudly) This is a problem. How to get to the other side. My RAFTABLE™ is sunk. The Ring? No. The Mad Scientist’s sombrero? Worth a try.

Frodo put the hat on. Jumping into the River, Frodo found that he floats just fine, but his paddling wasn’t very efficient.

FRODO: This is going to take a while.

***************************************************************

58. CORPSES HAVE ARRIVED

PURPLE DINOSAUR #1: I’m out of bubbles.

PURPLE DINOSAUR #2: Me too.

Merry tossed his empty Mr. Bubbles bottle into his sack, and rubbed his head vigorously, knocking off the hat. Pippin removed his hat too.

PIPPIN: My! It’s good to be a hafling again!

URUKS: Hafling? HAI!!!!

The Uruks charged. Merry and Pippin ran in the opposite direction, only to meet more Uruks. Suddenly Boromir appeared. Boromir heroically drew his last bottle of green ketchup, and squirt it over the Uruks. Naturally the Uruks stopped to lick it off themselves. Immediately they dropped their weapons, produced a boom box, and started shouting U-R-U-K! to the tune of the *YMCA*. Merry, Pippin and Boromir stared in astonishment, then joined in.

URUK: Uuuu! R! Uu-K! COME ON EVERYBODY NOW! Uuu! R! Uu-K!!!! hay hay hay! Uuuu! R! Uu-K!!!!

The noise brought Lurtz, who shut off the music. He looked around with a scowl that could make raisins out of milk.

LURTZ: Who started this?

Hoping to avoid torture, the guilty Uruks pointed at Boromir.

URUKS: He did!

Boromir felt faint, and sank to the ground.

BOROMIR: I think…I’m dying…that was my last bottle of ketchup…no crackers…darn Frodo…

LURTZ: Bob! Take the Haflings! I’ll take care of this.

Lurtz, unaware that the noise was also noticed by Aragorn & co, aims to finish off the dying Boromir with his shriveling gaze.

ARAGORN: Argh!!!!

Aragorn jumped on Lurtz’s back, tripping him.

LURTZ: Hai! (dies)

Aragorn rushed over to Boromir, followed at a distance by Gimli and Legolas.

BOROMIR: They took the Little ones! Frodo! Where is Frodo? He has my crackers!

ARAGORN: I let Frodo go.

BOROMIR: Then you did what I could not. I was so hungry. Now I’m dying. I have no crackers. No ketchup. And my people are all going to die! Die! DIE!

ARAGORN: Not while I have strength left.

BOROMIR: Do you have some crackers?

ARAGORN: Nooo, sorry…Frodo…yeah…

Boromir groaned pitifully.

BOROMIR: It is hopeless. (Dies)

ARAGORN: Be at peace, Son of Gondor.

Aragorn planted his mouth on a distinctly green spot on Boromir’s forehead. He smacked his lips happily.

ARAGORN: The last of the green ketchup. Wonder where I can find more…And I still feel a sorta fairytale with you…

LEGOLAS/GIMLI: *sniffle*

***************************************************************

59. BARNEY WON FIRST PLACE ON THE SWIM TEAM

Sam was still running. He finally reached the beach, but saw nothing except a purple dinosaur halfway across the river.

SAM: RUDY!! Ruuuu…..I mean, uh, Mister Frodooooo! Where are you????!

FRODO: I’m right here Samfool Ohgee! Go away. I’m going to Mordor alone!

SAM: (to himself) Mister Frodo is a purple dinosaur? Ah well. He has the crackers. The question is: how do I get halfway across the river too? The Ring? No. Don’t have it. The Mad Scientist’s sombrero? Hmm. Worth a try.

Sam donned the hat and jumped into the water.

***************************************************************

60. ALL INVENTORS HAVE THEIR CRITICS

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli finished tying the last empty ketchup bottles to Boromir’s corpse.

GIMLI: Are you sure it’ll float, Leggy?

LEGOLAS: Positive.

The three unceremoniously carried the unwieldy funeral float to the river and dropped it in. It sank.

GIMLI: Positive it wouldn’t sink, eh Leggy?

LEGOLAS: Uh…

Gimli laughed, only to be stopped short by the reappearance of Boromir.

LEGOLAS: It floats.

GIMLI: ….

***************************************************************

61. PROPER NOMENCLATURE IS PREFERRED

Aragorn surveyed the landscape.

ARAGORN: What are those two purple dinosaurs climbing out on the opposite side of the river?

LEGOLAS: Dunno…

Frodo and Sam took off their hats with relief.

LEGOLAS: Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the Eastern shore!

Aragorn stared disinterestedly.

LEGOLAS: You mean not to follow them?

ARAGORN: Didn’t you get the memo?

Legolas pouted.

LEGOLAS: Why does everybody keep asking me questions I don’t know the answer to?

GIMLI: So now what?

ARAGORN: We follow Merry and Pippin.

GIMLI: Ah yes. They were always the more amusing pair of the hobbits.

ARAGORN (sternly): They may also have some crackers.

LEGOLAS & GIMLI: OW! Let’s go then!

ARAGORN: First, we must name our clique. ‘Tis the PROPER thing to do. The Fellowship is broken. What shall we call us three hungry hunters?

LEGOLAS: Three Hungry Hunters is fine with me.

GIMLI: Yes!

ARAGORN: Good. Let us hunt some orc.

LEGOLAS: Don’t you mean crackers? Orcs taste kinda…orcish, ya know?

ARAGORN: Duh.

Reinvigorated with a new purpose in life….the quest for crackers…the “Three Hungry Hunters” dashed away in the opposite direction they had last seen the Uruks pursue.

***************************************************************

62. OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR? MAYBE?

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam stood on a hill staring EAST.

FRODO: Mordor. Wonder if there’s an opening for K-mart there. I hear there’s a lot of people in Mordor.

SAM: Have a cracker?

FRODO: I don’t suppose we’ll ever see the others again.

SAM: Cracker?

FRODO: You are such a nuisance.

SAM: Cracker?

FRODO: Do you want the cracker for me or for you?

SAM: Cracker…

Sam fainted.

FRODO: Um.

THE END.