The Lord of the Goofs
The Lord of the Goofs
Galadriel: I amar prestar…uh..um..
PJ: Say your lines…
Galadriel: I don’t remember them.
PJ: Uh oh…Just go to the music.
(Christina Aguilera’s song “Dirrty” comes on.)
Galadriel: Wanna get dirty! It’s about time for…
(Galadriel starts stripping.)
Galadriel: Wanna get, naughty! Sweatin’ till my clothes come off..
PJ: Run away!!!!!!! GET TO THE MOVIE!!!!!
(Gandalf comes on buggy, doesn’t see Frodo. Walks over and finds Frodo under a tree, asleep.)
Gandalf: Frodo, Frodo? Frodo!
(Gets his staff, and hits Frodo over the head with it. Nothing happens. Gandalf gets angry.)
Gandalf: Frodo wake up!
(Gandalf walks over to Frodo, and pulls out one of the hairs on his foot. Frodo jumps up awake.)
Frodo: Where’s the fire? (Sees Gandalf)
Frodo: You’re late!
Gandalf: No, you fell asleep again.
Frodo: Oh. Oops.
Gandalf: Never mind. Just hop on the back of my smelly horse and we’ll get this movie going.
Scene 1: Bilbo’s house
(Gandalf knocks at the door. Door opens and out comes a pot.)
Bilbo: I don’t want to buy anything!
Gandalf: What about very old friends?
Bilbo: Sure I’d love some…Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo! You haven’t aged a day!
Bilbo: Plastic surgery comes in handy. Do you want anything to eat?
Gandalf: No, I stole some food off Frodo.
Frodo: I heard that!
Gandalf: Be quiet, you’re not in this scene! Okay where was I? Ah ha! I feel thin..
Bilbo: That’s my line!
Bilbo: Okay I feel thin, like margarine spread over too much bread.
Gandalf: It’s butter
Bilbo: No it’s margarine.
Gandalf: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Bilbo: You were never meant for show biz.
Gandalf: Can I see your ring?
Bilbo: The one with the ruby, or the one with the flowers?
Gandalf: The one you have behind your back
Bilbo: *angry* Drat, you caught me. You can’t have it! It’ssssss mine. It issss my massssster. My precioussssss…
Gandalf: Calm down Bilbo..
Bilbo: You’re right Gandalf. I am going to Rivendell.
Bilbo: My girlfriend lives there.
Gandalf: *shocked* You have a girlfriend? YOU have a GIRLFRIEND?!?!?
.Bilbo: Yes. *ignoring comments by Gandalf* I am going to leave everything to Frodo.
Gandalf: Okay, including the Ring.
Gandalf: You can’t leave until you give it to me!
Gandalf: Honey’s waiting.
Bilbo: *jumps up* Honey I’m coming!
(Drops ring and runs out the door)
Gandalf: Possessed little freak.
(Bilbo comes back)
Bilbo: Oh no! We forgot the party scene!
Gandalf: Oh well. Nobody wants to see Frodo do the chicken dance anyway.
Bilbo: Bye then! (Leaves)
(Frodo comes in)
Frodo: Where did Bilbo go? He missed me do the chicken dance.
Gandalf: He went to Rivendell, and he left you all his things.
Gandalf: Don’t touch his Ring. It creeps me out.
Frodo: Whatever. Just leave. I need my privacy.
(Gandalf gets on horse, and goes to Gondor to read up on the Ring. He has taken seven personality tests on the internet before he realized he needed to tell Frodo what he found.)
Scene 2. Back at Bilbo’s
(Gandalf comes in)
(Sees Frodo on laptop.)
Gandalf: What are you doing?
Frodo: Taking a personality test. It is the “Which Disney Princess are you?” test. Wait….
Frodo: Yay! I am Cinderella!
Gandalf: *sticking to lines* Is it secret? Is it safe?
Frodo: Sure Gandalf. Nobody knows that I took this.
Gandalf: No, the Ring you fool.
Frodo: Oh that. (Reaches in pants and pulls out the Ring.)
Here it is.
Gandalf: Uh, thanks.
(Throws ring in fire)
Frodo: What the ^&#$ are you doing?
Gandalf: Frodo! This is supposed to be PG-13!
Frodo: Sorry. WHY IS THE RING IN THE FIRE?!?!
Gandalf: A test. (Takes ring out and gives it to Frodo)
Frodo: What do you want me to do?
Gandalf: Take it.
Frodo: No way man. It’s hot.
Gandalf: Take it! *throws it in Frodo’s hand*
Frodo: Hey, it’s not hot.
Gandalf: Duh. Okay, this ring is really bad. It was created by Sauron. He put his soul into it. He wants it back, and it calls to him. You need to leave
Frodo: Where do I go?
Frodo: Why Bree?
Gandalf: They have good ale.
Frodo: Ok then.
(Noises heard outside)
(Sam is pulled into the house by Gandalf)
Gandalf: What did you hear?
Sam: Something about ale. I wanna go and get ale!
Gandalf: Ok you can go with Frodo.
(They go outside, and pack horses. Frodo tells Sam everything Gandalf said. Sam gets freaked out, but goes anyway for reasons I really don’t want to talk about.)
Frodo: Aren’t you coming Gandalf?
Gandalf: No. I have to go talk to another wizard.
Scene 3: In a cornfield
Sam: *talking and talking and talking* Blah, Blah, Blah. *Realizes he can’t see Frodo.*
I’ve lost Frodo. Yeah I can go home now!
Frodo: *comes back* Sam, you have to come with me.
Sam: Poo, he’s back.
Frodo: That was the cheesiest line I ever heard.
Sam: Don’t blame me. Blame the writers.
(Suddenly Merry and Pippin jump on them. The have a huge wrestling fight, until Sam and Frodo get up, the losers.)
Merry and Pippin: Haha! We won!
Sam: *whispers to Frodo* I have an idea. (turns to Merry and Pippin) Hey guys. We are going on a trip to get some ale. Wanna come? *winks at Frodo, who winks back*
(Run out of cornfield being chased by dogs. End up by road.)
Sam: What is that?
Pippin: Sounds like my mother.
Frodo: I think we better hide.
(They hide and see a Nazgul come over. It is angry.)
Nazgul: I don’t believe it. I have served Sauron for thousands of years and this is what I get? I have to chase some stupid little midgets just so Sauron can get his ring back. Well, he can get it himself. (Nazgul rides away.)
Frodo: Pippin, is your mother okay?
Pippin: That’s not my mother.
Frodo: We have to get to Bree.
Pippin: Is there something you two aren’t telling us?
Sam: Yes. The ring Frodo has was made by Sauron and he wants it back. We have to go to Bree and find out the rest of our life threatening journey. We could all die!
Merry and Pippin: long pause……Cool!
Scene 5 -Orthanc
Saruman: It’s been in the Shire the whole time.
Gandalf: How did you know?
Saruman: Lucky guess.
Gandalf: What should I do?
Saruman: Give it to me
Saruman: Give it to me!
Gandalf: No way!
Saruman: Yes. I want it
Gandalf: How ‘bout we play for it!
Saruman: Sure. Twister?
Gandalf: You’re on!
(Start playing twister. Gets really violent.)
Scene 6: Bree
(They run for a long time.)
Sam: We are supposed to find ale right?
Frodo: Yep. That means we go to the Prancing Pony.
Pippin: Why there?
Frodo: It smells like booze.
Scene 7: The Prancing Pony Inn
Sam: Hey Frodo. That man in the corner has been staring at you for a while.
Frodo: That’s creepy.
Pippin and Merry: *drunk* 99 pints of ale on the wall, 99 pints of ale. Take one down and pass it around, 98 pints of ale on the wall.
(Soon everyone but Frodo and the dude in the corner are singing along.)
Whole crowd: 98 pints of ale on the wall. 98 pints of ale. Take one down and pass it around. 97 pints of ale on the wall……
Pippin: (pointing to Frodo) Hey guys! That’s Frodo Baggins. He’s my mother’s cousin’s nephew’s father’s daughter’s grandmother’s uncle’s niece’s brother twice removed.
Frodo: *long, slow mo*No!
(Tries to run away, but falls and ring goes on his finger. He goes *poof*. When he takes the ring off, the dude in the corner takes him to a room upstairs.)
Scene 8:Strider’s Little Room
Strider: Frodo, I am your father!
Strider: Just kidding. You should have seen your face!
Frodo: *blushing* I wasn’t scared! What do you want?
(Sam, Pippin and Merry burst in. Sam has his dagger, Merry has a stick and Pippin has a hotdog.)
Sam: I’ll have you on shanks!
Pippin: *hic* What he said.
Strider: You have to trust me. I know what you possess. You must follow me.
Frodo: Well, we have nowhere else to go. Let’s follow the hooded man.
(They travel for a while.)
Scene 9: Weathertop
Strider: Well here we are at Weathertop. I am going to sleep. If a Nazgul comes, wake me up.
Frodo: (sees the hobbits cooking) What are you doing?!?
Sam: Cooking. We saved some for you.
Frodo: Great! (They eat. Nazgul screaming is heard.)
Merry: Uh oh. We are in trouble.
Pippin: They might just want something to eat.
(Merry hits Pippin on the head. Nazgul surround them.)
Merry: Told yah.
(Fighting starts. A Nazgul walks up to Frodo. Then, weird Nazgul-like things come. They are dementors from Harry Potter.)
Dementor 1: Where is Potter?
Nazgul 3: Potter isn’t here.
Dementor: What do mean cuz?
Nazgul 3: There is no Potter. This is Lord of the Rings.
Dementor: Oh. Oops. Sorry guys wrong set. (Dementors leave.)
(Frodo puts on the ring.)
Frodo: (looking at ghost-like Nazgul) Hey, you guys are ghosts! Did I just die?
Nazgul 1: Not yet. (Stabs Frodo)
Frodo: Hey, that hurt!
(Ring comes off. Strider is fighting the Nazgul.)
Nazgul 5: We can’t die you fool. We are already half-dead.
Strider: You’ll be all dead when I am through! (Pulls out a bucket of water.) I know you are afraid of water.
(The Nazgul back away..)
Strider: Fear my wraith Ringwraths! I mean, fear my ring Wrathwraiths. I mean.. Oh I give up. Just fear me!
(Nazgul 8 pulls back his sleeve, revealing a watch.)
Nazgul 8: Oh my good golly gosh! I’m late for Ghost of Christmas Future practice!
Nazgul 2: That reminds me, it’s almost time for the Scream auditions! It was nice meeting all of you, but we need to go. Fare thee well! *salutes*
(The Nazgul leave.)
(Everyone runs to Frodo.)
Frodo: *drunkish-happy voice* I feel weird. Did I just take my morphine?
Sam: Crap! The one thing we forgot…
Strider: He was stabbed by a Morgul blade. We’re all screwed.
Sam: Can’t you do something?
Strider: I have an idea. (Pulls out a cell phone. Dials a number. A voice is heard on the other end.)
Strider: Hey Glorfindel! It’s Strider. No…she didn’t. She did! Oh my god! What’s wrong with her? And she did what? Nuh uh! Ewww, he’s gross! What’s in her head? (Notices the hobbits staring at him.)*coughs* Ok, um, Frodo’s just been stabbed by a Nazgul and now he’s gonna die so we need you to come and rescue him.
Glorfindel: Wish I could make it. I have to rescue someone falling off a cliff. Uh oh, um, got to go. I’ll send someone over right away.
Strider: Thank you. (Hangs up phone.) We have to leave.
(Strider notices a pretty flower and decides to pick it. He gets a sword at his throat.)
Arwen: Alright you! Come up with your hands in the air and nobody gets hurt.
Arwen: Strider baby! I’ve come to rescue Frodo.
Sam: That’s speedy service. Wish Hobbiton Pizza Delivery was that fast.
Strider: But it’s dangerous.
Strider: Alright, but be careful. Can I have a goodbye kiss?
(The two kiss, and then fall to the ground. They start to get really…um…intimate.)
Frodo: I don’t want to interrupt your make-out session, but I am going to turn into a wraith pretty soon.
Strider: Oh…yeah…okay. (Arwen pulls her dress back up and Strider re-buttons his coat.)
Arwen: Buh bye Strider! (Gets on horse and leaves. Comes back and gets Frodo and then leaves.)
Merry: She’s fine.
Strider: (slaps Merry upside the head.) Don’t even think about it.
(Through the miracle of Greyhound buses, they all get to Rivendell.)
Frodo: *waking up* Where am I?
Gandalf: In Rivendell, in the house of Elrond, on the forth floor, in the sixth room, on a silk bed, in teddy bear pajamas.
Frodo: That was a little more information than needed, Gandalf. Where is Sam?
Gandalf: He wouldn’t leave your side so I tied him to a chair.
Frodo: I’ve wanted to do that for years.
Gandalf: It’s time for the Council. Come with me.
(While walking, Frodo sees Bilbo.)
Gandalf: Bilbo, where is your girlfriend?
Bilbo: To tell you the truth, I don’t have one. I just needed an excuse to go to Rivendell.
Frodo: I have to go to some council. Bye Bilbo!
Bilbo: Bye…uh…who are you again?
Frodo: Oh Bilbo. *to Gandalf* He’s crazy.
Gandalf: I know.
Scene 11: Council of Elrond
(There are many people seated. You see Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, Strider, Gandalf, Frodo, Bin Laden, Marilyn Monroe, Jack Sparrow, Peter Pan, Snow White, King Charles III, John Wayne, Sherlock Holmes, and other assorted oddballs.)
Gandalf: Where’s Elrond? He was supposed to be here 20 minuets ago.
(Elrond comes out of a door with his shirt unbuttoned and kiss marks all over his face.)
Elrond: Sorry I’m late. I had a…conference. Yes, that’s it, a conference!
(An elf woman comes out of a door wearing nothing but a towel around herself.)
Elf woman: Bye Elry! That was so great! Let’s do it again sometime. (Walks away.)
(Everyone stares at Elrond.)
Elrond: Um…uh…Ok to business. Frodo, bring forth the ring.
Frodo: Noooo, it’ssssssss my preciousssss.
Frodo: HAHAHAHA!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACES!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
Elrond: All right Frodo you had your fun. We have news from Isengard. Gandalf, tell us what happened and why you are sitting funny.
Gandalf: Well, when I got there Saruman said he wanted the ring, so we played Twister for it. The cheater pushed my down so I would lose.
Elrond: How did you escape?
Gandalf: I called a paramedic. Then he bent my legs sort of back into shape. I then called a taxi.
Elrond: Ok then… (Looks at ring. Starts going crazy.) The ring…it’s..evil. Get it away from me! One of you has to take it to Mordor, so it will be far away from me!
Boromir: Instead of taking it to Mordor, let us use it, to battle Sauron.
Strider: The ring can be used only for evil.
Legolas: *whispering* It goes great with your black heart.
Boromir: What did you say, elf boy?
Elrond: Well the ring still has to go. Whoever takes it will be on a quest.
Legolas: I love quests…
Gimli: *interrupting* So you think you can take the ring?
Legolas: I never said…
Gimli: You think you can take the ring to Mordor?
Legolas: Whoa, slow down there tiger…
Gimli: Well you can’t, cause elves can’t be trusted! Elves are pansies! They are the foulest creatures on this earth. They smell funny, too.
Strider: Gimli that wasn’t smart..
Gimli: Shut your pie hole you dirty human!
Legolas: For the first thing, to clear up the rumors, he does shower, a lot. (Strider nods with a smile.) For the second thing, he is no ordinary human. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, son of..
Elrond: Ok we get the picture. He’s royalty. Blah blah blah.
Gimli: Well, you still can’t trust an elf! Let me at him!
(Gimli runs to Legolas, who stops Gimli by putting his hand on his head, thus, Gimli can’t reach Legolas. He pulls free and runs at Legolas again, who pins him in a headlock. Everyone starts fighting.)
Frodo: I’ll take it.
Elrond: Shut up.
Frodo: This fighting isn’t getting the ring any farther from Rivendell.
Elrond: Well then, you can take it.
Gandalf: I will go because I have the map.
Boromir: I will go for honor of Gondor, *whispering* and for the ring..
Strider: I will go so I can keep Boromir from killing Frodo.
Legolas: I will go to get away from the ugly dwarf.
Gimli: I will go to keep the elf company.
(Legolas scowls as Gimli smiles.)
(Sam runs in, with bits of rope still on him.)
Sam: If Mr. Frodo is going anywhere, I am going with him.
Frodo: How sweet, but I can handle things on my own.
Sam: *begging* Please, Mr. Frodo, please…
Sam: *almost in tears* PLEASE MR. FRODO!!
Frodo: Oh all right. You can come.
(Merry and Pippin run to the group. Their pockets are stuffed with food.)
Pippin: Rivendell has the best buffet.
Merry: Frodo can’t go without us!
Elrond: Are you his bodyguards?
Pippin: No.. *Sees Merry nodding* I mean…Yes…yes we are.
Elrond: You are the Fellowship of the Ring. You leave at sunrise.
Pippin: Do we get food?
Elrond: Yes. Lembas bread.
Gimli: Crackers wrapped in leaves.
Pippin: Sounds good.
Elrond: All Imladris gives you good wishes.
Merry: I thought this was Rivendell.
(They leave. “I’m On My Way” from the Shrek soundtrack is playing.)
Scene 12: Somewhere out there
(The Fellowship has stopped for a break. Boromir is trying to teach Merry and Pippin to sword fight. Legolas is running over the rocks. Aragorn is watching them, trying without success to stifle his laughter at Boromir’s teaching ability. Frodo and Sam are somewhere. Gimli is talking to Gandalf.)
Gimli: I say, Gandalf. I think we are taking the long way around. We could pass through the mines of Moria.
Gandalf: No way! I would never take that route, ever!
Gimli: Whatever man. You’re the leader.
(Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin to sword fight.)
Boromir: Alright, now move the sword. Yes very good. Left now. No Merry your other left! Pippin, move your feet! (Starts getting frustrated and whips his sword around, cutting Pippin’s hand.)
Pippin: Ow, that hurt! Die Gondor man!
(Merry and Pippin start attacking Boromir. Aragorn, laughing, walks over and pulls them off of Boromir.)
Merry: Why did you do that?
Aragorn: Watch. (Aragorn hits Boromir across the head, and kicks him in the shin. He then holds him down and kicks him between the legs. Boromir squeaks.) That’s how you hurt Boromir. (The hobbits smile and continue to beat up Boromir.)
Legolas: (Joining in the fun.) No, no, no. Like this. (He throws a rock at Boromir. Laughing, he starts pelting dirt clogs in his face. He stops, and the Merry and Pippin happily continue.)
(Legolas then gets up on a rock. He notices a black shape.)
Legolas: Look at that!
Gimli: It’s probably just a storm cloud.
Boromir: It’s moving fast, against the wind.
Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!!
(They all hide. They watch a swarm of birds come over.)
Merry: Ahh! It’s The Birds! They’ve come to peck our eyes out!
Aragorn: No you idiot that’s a Hitchcock movie.
(The birds fly away.)
Gandalf: This is not safe. We have to take the pass over Caradhras.
Frodo: Cool. I’ve always wanted to mountain climb.
Scene 13: Caradhras
(Start going up the mountain. Boromir, angry at Legolas for getting the hobbits to pelt dirt clogs at him, starts prancing around.)
Boromir: Look at me..I’m Legolas……the elf.
Legolas: Stop that!
Boromir: I’m pretty blonde elf boy who always has to be clean. I am only a prince, ’cause my daddy controls me. I am a pansy fairy.
(Legolas is ready to charge, but then gets a bright idea.)
Legolas: *in a fake manly voice* Look at me, I’m Boromir from Gondor. I am a dirty, smelly, mortal human. I do everything for Gondor. My daddy is a possessed freak who I always try to please and my little brother looks up to me but I am too stupid to realize that.
(Boromir runs after Legolas. Boromir falls in a snow drift. Legolas has a laughing fit.)
Aragorn: I think it’s time we take a break.
(Everyone stops. Merry and Pippin have snowball fight, while Frodo and Sam start building a snowman. Gandalf starts humming “Walking in a winter wonderland.” They are all enjoying themselves. Soon, the whole fellowship is in a snowball fight. Frodo gets hit in the head, and rolls part-way down the hill. Aragorn goes after him. Boromir notices the ring on the ground, and picks it up.)
Boromir: It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… Such a little thing…
Aragorn: Boromir, give Frodo the ring.
Boromir: NO!!! IT’SSSS MINE!!!
Boromir: Geez man I was just kidding. (Gives Frodo the ring back. Aragorn puts his tranquilizer dart back in his pocket.)
(It starts to snow. Everyone is having a hard time except Legolas who is enjoying it. The wind is heard.)
Legolas: There is a foul voice.
Frodo: Legolas, I never knew you were schizophrenic. (~Not sure how to spell that one~)
Legolas: No, you dumb hobbit. There is a foul voice on the air.
Gandalf: Saruman is cursing the mountain!
Sam: There isn’t supposed to be cursing in this movie.
Gandalf: Oh shut up. (Lots of chanting is heard. A snowdrift falls on them. Legolas jumps out immediately.)
Legolas: That was refreshing! Hey, where did everybody go? (Notices a hand sticking out of the snow. He pulls people out.)
Gimli: Enough with the snow! Let us go through the Mines of Moria!
Gandalf: Do we have to?
Frodo: It’s my ring and I say we go!
Gandalf: Alright, but when you get killed, don’t come crying to me.
Scene 14: Outside of Moria
(They are by a door. The moon shines on it and it glows.)
Sam: Ooo, pretty.
Gandalf: There is a password. Uh, Open up! (Nothing happens.) Open up threshold of the dwarves! (Still nothing.)
Frodo: Let me take a crack at it. Open sesame! Abra cadabra! A whomp whomp do omp, do whomp bang boom! Chitty chitty bang bang! Supercalafragilisticexpeladocious? Oh I give up!
(Pippin and Merry are sitting by the water’s edge.)
Pippin: I’m bored.
Merry: Me too.
Pippin: Let’s throw stones in the water.
Merry: No. There is an evil thing in there. We’d get in trouble!
Pippin: Let’s see if Boromir would! Boromir, come here!
(Boromir comes over.)
Boromir: What do you want?
Pippin: I bet you can’t hit that bubble on the water with a stone!
Boromir: I can so! (Throws rock. Splashes. Watcher starts to awake.)
(Gandalf and Frodo are by the door.)
Frodo: What does that writing say?
Gandalf: Thorin was here.
Frodo: No, the inscription.
Gandalf: It says, speak friend and enter.
Frodo: What is the elvish word for friend?
Gandalf: Mellon (Door opens. They all start inside.)
Pippin: I could go for a melon right now.
(The Watcher awakes. It grabs Frodo. Sam runs after it, and trips. Legolas hits it with an arrow, and it leaves.)
Gandalf: We have no choice now. To Moria we go!
Scene 15: Moria
(They are walking down some passageways. “I’m on my Way” is still playing.)
Legolas: High ho! High ho! It’s off to work we go! Come on Gimli, sing with me! You of all people should know this song.
(Gimli growls angrily.)
(They stop. Frodo and Gandalf are talking.)
Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me.
Gandalf: Better you than Merry. If he had it, we’d all be screwed by now.
(They see Gollum.)
Frodo: What’s that? It looks like Pippin’s brother, Trippin.
Pippin: I heard that!
Gandalf: That’s Gollum. He has been following us for a while. The ring calls to him.
Frodo: Well he can have it!
Gandalf: No. If he had we’d still all be screwed. Let’s keep going.
Pippin: *whispering to Merry* Merry, with this Lembas, do you eat the leaf too?
Merry: No. Leaves give hobbits horrible indigestion and constipation.
Pippin: Uh oh.
Gandalf: Shut up and keep walking.
Scene 16: Balin’s Tomb
(They are walking along and they see dead dwarves.)
Gimli: No.. Ah!…AHHHHH!!!!! NOOOOO!!!
Pippin: Dead things. Cool.
(Looks at one dwarf.)
Merry: That dead dwarf looks like something my dog spit up.
Pippin: You have a dog?
(They see a light and a tomb.)
(Gimli runs. He sees the tomb, and starts crying.)
Legolas: Oh shut up you big baby.
Sam: Really, grown men crying over a dead cousin, that’s gay.
Gimli: Look who’s talking…
Gandalf: Alright now. It says “Here lies Balin, Lord of Moria. He waz alwayz a gud frend. He waz niz, kynd, and frendlee. We well miz heem 4ever.” They really need to learn to spell.
(Pippin walks over to a well with a dead dwarf on it.)
Pippin: What are you looking at, you dumb dwarf? You lookin at me? Come and get me! Haha, you are dead so you can’t hurt me!
(Boromir sneaks behind the dwarf, and uses it as a puppet.)
Boromir: (He makes the dead dwarf’s hands go around Pippin’s throat.) I am more than dead…I am the living dead…and you shall join me….
Pippin: AH! HELP! (Pushes dwarf down the hole. Boromir clings to the slide. Legolas helps him up. Legolas then “accidentally” almost pushes Boromir back down.)
Gandalf: Next time Pippin Took, throw yourself down there!
Aragorn: That’s not a bad idea.
(Gandalf sees a diary.)
Gandalf: *reading* I see goblins. The other dwarves are so wimpy. They won’t protect me! Ugh, where can I get better service? Oh well. They just bashed through the wall. They’ll find me. That sucks. Oh well. Look goblins. There’s goblins everywhere…..everywhere…they smell……everywhere….goblins…
Frodo: Weren’t you supposed to find that before Pippin did something stupid?
Gandalf: Yes, but who cares.
(Drumming is heard.)
Gandalf: Uh oh.
Sam: Those drums…they creep me out…
Frodo: Sam get a grip..
Sam: It’s not just the drums…I have heard the beats before….
Sam: Don’t say that!
Gandalf: Uh oh..
Aragorn: What now Gandalf?
Gandalf: I forgot my line.
Aragorn: It’s RUN, RUN FOR YOUR PUNY PATHETIC LITTLE LIVES!!!
Scene 17: Bridge of Khazad-Dum
Frodo: Look, fire!
Sam: It’s a fire monster!
Pippin: It’s Smaug!
Merry: It’s the devil!
Gandalf: Close enough.
(They run, except for Gandalf.)
Gandalf: *to Aragorn* You lead them.
Aragorn: All right I get to lead!
(Legolas jumps over the bridge. Everyone jumps over. Gimli is waiting.)
Legolas: What is wrong with you?
Gimli: I’m afraid of heights! I want my mommy!
Legolas: Jump and I’ll catch you!
(Gimli jumps. Legolas grabs on to his beard.)
Legolas: Eww! Lice!
(He lets go. Gimli falls. Legolas shoots an arrow, which get’s lodged in Gimli’s butt. He pulls Gimli up.)
Gimli: Why did you shoot me in the butt?
Legolas: It was the softest part of your body.
(Gimli growls again.)
(Gandalf is waiting for the fire thing, called a Balrog.)
Gandalf: Come to me fowl flame!
Balrog: Dude, I’m not a chicken.
Balrog: Ok what was my line?
Balrog: I am the server of the secret fire. Wielder of the flame of Arnor. You shall not pass! Flame of Dun..
Balrog: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!
Gandalf: Wait, something is wrong here…
(Balrog stamps his foot on the ground, and they fall.)
Gandalf: (falling) Those were my lines……
Boromir: He’s gone. YAHOO!!!!!
Frodo: But he had the map!
Aragorn: All of you just cry and get it over with.
Legolas: That is enough for me.
Aragorn: Alright. I am leader now. Let’s go to Lorien!
Frodo: Because why?
Aragorn: Because because.
Frodo: Because because why?
Legolas: Because they have cheese-flavored lembas.
Merry: All right let’s go!
Scene 18: To Lothlorien
(They are walking in the woods. “I’m on my Way” starts playing.)
Aragorn: Enough with that song!
(“Over the River and through the Woods” starts playing.)
Merry: Better than nothing.
Gimli: Be careful young hobbits. An elf witch lives in these woods.
Sam: Does she have a black cat, a broom, and a pointy hat?
Gimli: Whatever floats your boat.
Elf Witch: *inside Frodo’s head* Your coming to us…is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here Ring bearer!
Frodo: I am hearing a voice..
Sam: Now Frodo is schizophrenic…I guess Pippin’s next.
(All of a sudden they are surrounded by elves with bows.)
Haldir: Do not move!
Pippin: I have to pee.
Aragorn: Haldir, we need your protection.
Haldir: Come with me.
Scene 19: Lothlorien
(They are in a really cool palace.)
Haldir: Introducing, Galadriel and Celeborn!
Merry: Are all girl elves hot? Or just the two I have seen?
Galadriel: *telepathically to Frodo* Welcome Frodo of the Shire. One who has seen the Eye!
Frodo: Get out of my head weird elf lady!
Celeborn: Eight that are here yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Gandalf?
Galadriel: He fell down go boom!!
Celeborn: *sarcastic* Thank you dear. Well now, everyone go to bed.
(They are almost ready for bed.)
Galadriel: (somehow she is over with them) Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight you will sleep in peace.
Gimli: Hey lady get out of here! We are trying to change!
Frodo: She was watching Legolas get naked.
Galadriel: Of course not! *blushes* Um, I better go now. (Runs away.)
Legolas: She’s perverted.
(They are all asleep. Galadriel is walking. She then trips and falls down the steps. Frodo goes down.)
(Galadriel walks over to a sink, and fills up a jug with water. She pours it into the mirror.)
Frodo: Cool a bubble bath! Can I try?
Galadriel: No. You look into it.
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: A little fantasy world.
(Frodo looks in the mirror.)
Frodo: Eww! Man that is sick! That is a side of him I really didn’t want to see! I’m gonna barf..
Galadriel: Oops, that was my little fantasy world. (turns a knob) There we go.
(Frodo looks in the mirror.)
Frodo: I see Sam, Legolas, and the shire. The Shire is burning! Did Old Man Smelly drop his pipe in the hay bale again?
Galadriel: No. This is what will happen if your quest fails.
Frodo: I have huge responsibilities. I am going to run away.
Galadriel: Good for you. Now leave. Everybody.
Frodo: So you can look at HIM in the mirror?
Galadriel: GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!
(They all leave the next day.)
Scene 20: The Anduin
(They are in boats going down the river.)
Sam: We should have a boat race.
Aragorn: Your boat would lose.
Boromir: Cause it has the stupid fat hobbit, the stupid odd hobbit, and the stupid ugly dwarf.
You guys would probably go down the falls, and part-way down you would stop and ask for directions.
Legolas: That’s a good one.
Legolas: You numbskull! We were making fun of you.
(They see the Argonath.)
Pippin: Ooo, pretty statues.
Aragorn: The Argonath
Frodo: That one looks like Aragorn’s ancestor.
Legolas: That is Aragorn’s ancestor you idiot.
Scene 21: On the Shore Near the Falls
Gimli: Do you hobbits know anything of Mordor?
Sam: It sounds like Gondor, has evil people, and is Rodrom spelled backwards.
Aragorn: He knew more than I thought. (Sees Legolas.) You alright. The eastern shore is all the way over there.
Legolas: It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near… I can feel it!
Legolas: No, they’re little green aliens from Planet Sam-needs-a-brain.
Merry: How can you feel that?
Pippin: He’s an elf, DUH!!!
(They run into some Orcs.)
Aragorn: All right, we get to have some fun! (Runs)
Legolas: First Orc to kill Gimli is the one we don’t slay! (Runs with Aragorn.)
Gimli: Hey! (Runs after them.)
(Pippin and Merry hide as Orcs come. Frodo is behind a tree.)
Pippin: Come on Frodo, over here!
Frodo: You kidding?
Merry: Well then, we will just tell the Orcs where we are so you can get away!
Pippin: I’m with ya! (They run in front of Orcs. Orcs chase them.)
(Frodo runs. He runs into Boromir.)
Boromir: Hello Frodo.
Frodo: Are you alright Boromir?
Boromir: Let’s cut out ten minutes. Give me the ring!
Frodo: Psych! Haha.
Boromir: I am gonna get you!
(Chases Frodo. Frodo puts on ring and goes *poof* again.)
Boromir: *thinking* Maybe if I apologize, he’ll come back and give me the ring. *talking* Frodo! I’m sorry! Come back!
(Frodo keeps running. He takes off the ring and runs into Aragorn.)
Frodo: Stay back!
Aragorn: Easy there, Frodo! I am not trying to kill you! I swore to protect you!
Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself?
Frodo: Will you take it?
Aragorn: Come again?
Frodo: Will you take the ring to Mordor?
Aragorn: No way man. I am not turning into a possessed gnome!
Aragorn: No. I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor. (Hears Orcs.) You better run.
(Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are being chased by Orcs.)
Merry: It’s working!
Pippin: I know it’s working, run!
(From nowhere, Boromir jumps in. He tries to save the hobbits, but he gets shot, a lot. Aragorn jumps in and kills the last Orc. The other Orcs take Merry and Pippin away.)
Aragorn: You all right?
Boromir: Sure. I have three arrows sticking out of me. I am fine and dandy.
How did you find me?
Aragorn: I could smell you.
Boromir: You are so mean.
Aragorn: Actually, I heard your horn.
Boromir: That makes sense. Where is Frodo?
Aragorn: I let him go.
Boromir: I wanted the ring.
Legolas: Is he dead yet?
Aragorn: Not yet, but when he is I’ll cue you.
Legolas: Okee dokee.
Boromir: I would have followed you my brother, my captain, my king! (He dies.)
Aragorn: Okay he’s dead.
(Legolas and Gimli enter.)
Legolas: Gimli didn’t die, so I had to kill all the Orcs.
(By the water, Frodo is in a boat. He is in the water. Sam comes running.)
Frodo: Go back Sam! I’m going to Mordor alone.
Sam: Of course you are, and I’m coming with you!
Frodo: I let you go this far with me, now go!
Sam: No! (He gets in water, and is drowning.)
Frodo: Stand up Sam, the water is only three inches deep.
Sam: Oh right. (Stands up. He gets in the boat with Frodo.)
Sam: I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise! “Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee.” And I don’t mean to! I don’t mean to.
Frodo: You get really into your lines.
Frodo: Alrighty then. To Mordor we go! (They go.)
Gimli: We failed! We failed!
Legolas: Oh shut up! We didn’t fail.
Aragorn: We still have strength left. Let’s go hunt some Orc.
Legolas: Last one to Rohan is Orc chow!