42 Rules of Thorin and Company by Hobbits2Isengard
One of my first fanfics. Please R&R. Hope you’re familiar with his #Majesty’s famous hashtag. Enjoy 🙂
1. Thorin is #majestic. This fact may not be questioned, ever.
2. Despite having a name, Bilbo Baggins is to be referred to as the Hobbit, or the Burglar.
3. One does not simply toss a Dwarf.
4. If, by some chain of events, you come to tossing a Dwarf, never mention it. Especially not to an Elf.
5. When visiting a Hobbit’s house, make sure to check for cookies. Even if your hand doesn’t fit into the jar.
6. Also please do your best not to use a Hobbit’s bathroom – they are terrible plumbers.
7. Try to imitate your pony’s newest hairstyle. Seriously, the look goes really well.
8. Beard extensions are a big no-go. A proudly worn sparse beard is better than a long fake one. (So don’t tempt Kili with anything!)
9. Do NOT disturb Thorin while he is #majestically brooding and looking out over a cliff, his long raven hair moving solemnly in the breeze, his deep blue eyes shining in the moonlight …
10. Balin gives great backstories to accompany Thorin’s #majestic brooding. You would do well to listen to him!
11. Balin is the one who does the thinking. Or more, the “Think, King!”
12. Never try arguing with your Wizard. It will always end with him indirectly calling you an idiot and leaving in a huff.
13. Fili and Kili are not to be separated. Ever.
14. Trolls are half-wits. They cannot be reasoned with.
15. Fili and Kili are not to watch the ponies. Ever.
16. If the Hobbit says you have parasites, agree with him. You. Have. Parasites.
17. Troll hoards stink. End of story. Get over it.
18. Rhosgobel rabbits can outrun Gundabad Wargs, and they can outrun you.
19. Despite that fact, a Dwarf does not ride The Bunny-Sled. Ever. Under any circumstances.
20. When in doubt, order Kili to shoot it.
21. Elves are not to be trusted, and it is recommended to mention them only in association with an insult. Referring to Lord Elrond as Lord Trollond is most appropriate.
22. When dining with Elves, feel free to openly criticize the absence of meat. Or chips.
23. Do not take Bofur’s hat. Ever. Under any circumstances.
24. Do not, under any circumstances, state that things could be worse. Seriously, Bofur, we’re looking at you.
25. Never try to play a game of riddles with the Hobbit. He will weasel his way out of it somehow.
26. When running from Wargs, climb trees and throw flaming pinecones around. Just be sure to avoid the really spindly ones. Meaning trees, not pinecones.
27. When faced with unresolved psychological issues and familiar taunting, approach your foe in #majestic slow-motion. Thorin will be happy to give a presentation.
28. Even while hanging unconscious from an eagle’s talons you can look #majestic.
29. Hobbit hugs are great stress relievers and look very manly. Just ask Thorin.
30. If you are, in fact, planning to hug your Hobbit, make sure to terrify him first.
31. King Thranduil is #fabulous, but a Dwarf must never admit that out loud.
32. Have fun and go nuts insulting King Thranduil and all his kin. Even if it gets you chucked in jail for the length of a mere blink in the life of an Elf.
33. A Dwarf never flirts with She-Elves. Especially not using such unacceptable pick-up lines such as those involving items inside pieces of clothing.
34. Riding down rivers in barrels is #majestic. Next step: the Falls of Rauros!
35. Kili used to be an adventurer. Until he took an arrow to the knee.
36. Walnuts should not be used as makeshift pillows. (Really, Fili?)
37. When stating that you are not like your grandfather, make sure you are not silhouetted against a giant stone statue of him.
38. Feel free to throw random pretty rocks at Fili.
39. If asked, you will have war. Preferably with a side of those cookies you didn’t get.
40. Yes, Hobbits look absurd wearing Mithril shirts.
41. In your last moments, apologize to your Burglar and call him Minty.
42. Make sure you enemy really is dead before turning your back on him. Seriously, looking at you, Thorin!