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Part 2

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Hama: Step right up! Sorry we don’t allow pointy objects beyond this point… and you must be at least this tall to enter! *looks at Gimli*

Gimli: What! This is species discrimination!!

Hama: You are sick!

Gimli: So is my “exercise” outfit! oops… *winks*

They all lay aside their pointy objects and try to enter…

Hama: WOAH WOAH WOAH!! Do you want a season pass or just a one day ticket?

Gandalf: WEEEEELLLLLL……. IS THERE ANYTHING IN MY NOSE?!? *shoves nose at Hama*

Hama: Ummm…

Gandalf: Well here I will get it for you! *throws something big hairy and green on the floor* Any takers…

Gimli: EWWWW SICK!!!….. *starts to walk away but changes mind and runs to it and eats it*

Aragorn: Step aside mortals! The MONKEY WILL HANDLE THIS!!

3 hours later…

Legolas: *mutters* stupid monkey…

Gimli: JUST GET ON WITH IT!! *grabs monkey’s tail and throws it out the window*

Aragorn: ALI BABA!! *dives out window*

Legolas: Let’s go!

They try to enter again…

Hama: Wait! Your staff Gandalf. It is relatively pointy… we don’t allow that!

Gandalf: Not my light maker!

Hama: We make no exceptions!

Legolas: *very bored* *slips him a bag of coins*

Hama: But for you we can! You may enter!

Gandalf: Hey Kingy!

Aragorn: *runs in and shouts* Hey!

Gandalf: I was talking to Theoden.

Theoden: *glares at Aragorn and whispers* not king….yet…

Wormtongue: *whispers to the king* say something insulting…

Theoden: You are old and gray, and anyway you will probably die soon so it doesn’t matter…

Gandalf: I don’t now….but now….*lights start flashing and going all over the place*

Legolas: LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!! AND IN THIS CORNER WE HAVE KING THEODEN WHO IS CONTROLLED BY WORMTONGUE AND IN THIS CORNER WE HAVE GANDALF!!!!

Gandalf: HAHAHAHAHA!!! *COUGH GAG!!!* *starts choking* *hits chest and clears throat* *flings cloak off and hits guard with it, and reveals to be white* Now Legolas!!

Legolas: oh yeah! *pulls out 15 pound basket of make up won from Elrond and runs to Theoden* Ok…now what is your color….gray and…….deep red…ok….*gives Theoden the quickest make over he ever has and runs back next to Gandalf*

Theoden: *surprised* What happened me?

Aragorn: Nothing happened to me.

Theoden: No me!

Gandalf: Wormtongue gave you a make under

Legolas: *gasp* Make under!?!?

Theoden: Then Wormtongue you are ordered to leave!

Wormtongue: *is kicked out and runs to Saruman*

Gandalf: Orcs are attacking and I am scared so I will leave…I mean…ummm….WHO WANTS SMOOTHIES!!!

Gimli: ME!!!

Gandalf: Later…I must go!

Theoden: We ride to Helm’s Deep!

They ride or walk to the long march of Helm’s Deep….

Gimli: Dwarf women look just like dwarf men! Some people even think there are no dwarf women! That we just pop out of the ground!

Aragorn: *whispers to Eowyn* It’s the beards.

Legolas: No it’s just stupidity.

While they were talking one of their scouts was eaten by a warg scout and they are about to be attacked…

Theoden: TO ARMS!!!! TO ARMS!!!!

Aragorn: YES EVERYONE TO ARMS!!! Ordered by the king and his monkey!

Theoden: I am the king…*gets idea to get Aragorn*

They ride out to fight….

Legolas: FOR SOAP!!!!! *shoots warg rider*

Gimli: For soap!? *falls off horse*

When Gimli is knocked off a dead warg falls on him and he can’t move…

Gimli: HELP!!!

Legolas: *shoots warg on Gimli and doesn’t realize it is dead*

Gimli: OUFPH!! *another warg falls on him*

Theoden: *runs into Aragorn on purpose and makes Phillip fall of the cliff *

Aragorn: PHILLIP!!! *starts to dive off cliff but Ali Baba wouldn’t come* HURRY UP!! PHILLIP NEEDS US!!

Ali Baba: *shakes head no*

Aragorn: DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU!!! AHHHH!! *splits in half and one half jumps to save Phillip and the other with Ali Baba*

But Aragorn other half falls in and Ali Baba does also…

Theoden: YES!

Legolas: Aragorn!!! Come out come out wherever you are!!

Gimli: SUUUUUUUUUUEY!!!!!!!

Legolas: suey!? *notices half-dead orc laughing* What happened to Aragorn!

Orc: He…died…..fell off the cliff..

Legolas: Why you! *about to touch him but remembers it is an orc*

Orc: *dies*

Legolas: *sees small shining object in dead orcs hand* Ok how to get it….

After about 20 minutes Legolas is finally done giving the orc a manicure and pulls out Evenstar and they walk on….

Legolas: Gimli how many did you kill?

Gimli: Two, only because one fell on me.

Legolas: I got 8- *steps in warg poop* GROOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: *cracks up laughing*

Legolas: This will take forever to get out! *sits down to get out warg poop but sits in even more* AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*jumps up* THAT IS IT!!!! *pulls out what is left of his strawberry scented bubble bath soap and pours it all over his body* *now all of his strawberry scented bubble bath soap is gone*

A sticky and strangely scented Legolas follows behind when they arrive in Helm’s Deep…

Gimli lags behind again..

Gimli: Uh oh I better catch up!

Just then the boy and girl pop up..

Boy: Grab his legs!!

Girl: *starts running toward him and stops* Wait what are we doing… PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!!

Gimli: *falls to ground and is completely still*

Girl: I learned a new spell to turn anyone to….OATMEAL!!!

Boy: Bloody Brilliant!

Girl: OATMEALUS TOTAL-

But before she could finish the spell Legolas jumps out of no where…

Legolas: DIE!!!!! *shoots two arrows into each of their necks* Yes! Hurry Gimli!

The boy and girl both get up and start walking toward Legolas and Gimli….

Legolas: *shoots more arrows at them but their magic is far to greater* *stabs them with daggers* WHY WON’T YOU DIE!!!!

Girl: PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!!

Legolas: *falls to ground and is completely still*

Boy: Now what will we do!?

Girl: Turn them into oatmeal! OATMEALUS TOTALU-

Before she could finish the spell another boy appears, he has black hair and a scar on his forehead…

New boy: What are you two doing here!

Girl: RUN!!

The girl and boy disappear and the new boy leaves afterward to follow…

Legolas: What just happened?

Gimli: I don’t know…no one finds out about this…ever…

They leave to catch up and make it to Helm’s Deep…

Eowyn: Where is Aragorn?

Legolas: *breathes in deeply* *thinks to self* I CAN BREATHE!….oh yeah He fell off a cliff.

Aragorn bursts through the door….

Theoden: *jaw drops* How in the world!?!?

Aragorn: I jumped to get Phillip and grabbed him then swam to the edge and made it…would you believe that there were cushions at the bottom of it? I was drowning but my other half came and saved me, I couldn’t breathe but the monkey gave me CPR!

Theoden: *looks suspiciously at guards*

Legolas: Here, *hands Aragorn Evenstar*

Aragorn: Thanks! Anyway I saw 10,000 orcs coming!

Theoden: Then we must get everyone that we can to fight!

Aragorn: Yes! It is approved by the king.

A few people cheer…….

Theoden: STOP THAT! I am the king here and anyone who cheered is ordered to be killed!

Aragorn: *behind Theoden he secretly points to himself and more people start cheering*

Theoden: I AM KING!!! AND ARAGORN IS NOT!!

They sadly leave

Aragorn: *surveying soldiers* Most of these soldiers have seen too many winters.

Gimli: Or too few.

Over to Legolas

Legolas: *looking around for hot tub* Hmmm…. If I were a hot tub where would I be…I KNOW! Right next to me! *looks around* Guess not…*runs to Theoden’s room* What is this! *sees a dartboard on the wall with Aragorn’s face in it* HOT TUB!! *runs to a hot tub* *climbs in hot tub*

They get ready for the battle…

Legolas: Does the silver armor with the red lining or the silver armor with the green lining look better on me?

Gimli: Neither…

Legolas: I think the silver with green lining looks better.

Gimli: Then why did you ask?

Legolas: I wanted your opinion.

Gimli: It’s not like you would have changed your mind…

Aragorn: *on cell phone* Of course I love you Arwen! No there is nothing going on between Eowyn and me!

Legolas: *makes voice like Eowyn* Aragorn come here and kiss me!

Aragorn: *on cell phone* No that isn’t Eowyn it is Legolas!

Legolas: *makes voice again* Aragorn hold me! hold me!!

Aragorn: *on cell phone* NO wait- *she hangs up* LEGOLAS, I AM GOING TO GET YOU!!!

Legolas: *runs to bathroom and locks door*

A few minutes later….

Hama: Are you responsible for this? *drags Legolas in*

Aragorn: I guess so….

Hama: I caught him trying to steal the bathroom soap and the dish detergent.

Legolas: I needed it so badly! *5 bars of soap fall out of his pockets* umm….

Aragorn: *sigh* I will deal with him later we are at war!

Hama: *lets Legolas go and picks up stolen items and goes to return them*

Aragorn: Legolas, I expected better of you.

Legolas: I’m sorry.

Aragorn: This did nothing right? and you are going back to steal them later?

Legolas: Oh yeah.

That night….

Legolas: They are coming. I am not ready! *runs back to bathroom* I have to use everything I have stole- borrowed…..let’s see what I have *opens bag* Eowyn’s lipstick, dish detergent, 5 soap bars, generic brand of hand soap…*throws that away* Hama’s lotion…..that is it….ok…*puts make up and other things on* *goes back to wall*

Gimli: *whispers to Legolas* I have an idea! *jumps from wall and hangs a Wet Paint Do not Touch sign on the wall*

Legolas: Like that will work!

Theoden: OPEN THE GATES!!!

Soldier: *opens gates*

Many elves walk in when they open the gates including Haldir….

Legolas: OOH! HALDIR HALDIR!!! STAND BY ME!!!

Haldir: Legolas!

Legolas: *thinks to self* yes my plan worked…

Haldir: Hey Legolas!

Legolas: Hey Haldir! Do you have any……STRAWBERRY SCENTED BUBBLE BATH SOAP?

Haldir: I just gave it all to Aragorn.

Legolas: *shoves Haldir out of the way and runs to Aragorn* CAN I HAVE YOUR SOAP YOU GOT FROM HALDIR!?!?

Aragorn: You mean that soap? *points to small pink bottle right in front of an orc*

Legolas: *jumps down from the wall*

Theoden: READY!!!!!!!!

Legolas: *almost there…..*

Orc in front of bottle: Hmmm…*picks up bottle and opens it*

Theoden: AIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Orc with bottle: *about to pour soap on head*

Legolas: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! *trips and falls*

Theoden: FIRE!!!!!!!

A soldier shot the orc with the bottle and it fell to the ground.. Legolas scrambled up and tried to dodge the arrows and eventually made it up the wall, many orcs stepped on the bottle till it was buried under ground…

Legolas: I have to get!

Gimli: It isn’t worth it.

Legolas: *climbs up the wall*

Before Legolas could yell at Gimli, the orcs made it to the wall but stopped….

Orc Leader: Do not touch the wall it is wet! Let’s wait till it dries…..

Gimli: I told you it would work!

5 minutes later…..

Orc Soldier: Hmmm…*sneaks over and touches wall* It isn’t wet!!

Orc Leader: Then why are we standing here?! ATTACK!!!!!

Gimli: Darn!

The orcs bring up ladders and climb up and up….

Gimli and Aragorn sneak around to the side door to defend the gate….

Gimli: What idiot puts an unlocked unguarded side door in a fortress?

Aragorn: Theoden.

Gimli: Good point. *opens door and sneaks around*

Aragorn: Ok we jump on 3.

Gimli: Wait….I can’t make it….throw me…

Aragorn: What?

Gimli: I can’t make it so throw me…..don’t tell the Elf…..

Aragorn: *tosses Gimli and jumps over himself*

Legolas: *gasp* Did Aragorn throw Gimli? I will ask later…….EAT THIS!!! *breaks nail when attacking* AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!! *everyone stops*……ok let me see here….*pulls out what looks like an expensive nail file* This calls for my best nail file….*fixes nail* Ok….*drops nail file over wall in front of gate by Gimli on accident* NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *jumps over wall* Not my best nail file!!!!!!! *bends down to pick up file and is almost hit* That was close! *picks up file* THAT’S IT!!!!! *pulls out pepper spray* DIIIIIIIE!!!!!! *accidentally sprays own eyes* OOOOOWWWWW!! *drops spray off the edge* I can’t do this anymore. *climbs up wall and goes to bathroom to fix make up*

Aragorn: Come on Gimli let’s go up! *climbs up*

Gimli: NEVER!!! DIE!!!

Aragorn: *jumps back down and drags Gimli up*

Aragorn: Gimli! Didn’t you remember that talk about how you go crazy when we battle….?

Gimli: Sorry…..

Legolas: GIVE ME SHAMPOO!!!!!!!! or GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!! *orcs start shooting at him so he ducks down* *runs to bathroom*

Legolas: Ok I am ready! *runs out of bathroom with toilet paper trailing from shoe* *thinks to self* I will do something really cool! *pulls out bow and shoots a wire holding up something which crashes down on orcs* YES!

Legolas: *shouts to Gimli who is busy fighting* Do you have a moist towlette?

Gimli: What the? *is almost killed* Would I really carry a moist towlette?

Legolas: Now how am I supposed to get the dirt off my hands!?

Gimli: *spits on Legolas’s hands*

Legolas: SICK!!!!!! GROOOOSSSSSS *runs to bathroom*

Gimli: EAT THIS ORC!!!

Orc: Wait! I am in line for the bathroom…*points to line that goes on very far*

Gimli: Who is holding it up!?

Orc: I don’t know all I can hear is this out of tune singing!

Gimli: *walks to front of line* LEGOLAS TWO HOURS IS LONG ENOUGH!!! *pulls open door*

Legolas: What!?! HEY! *runs out of bathroom*

After getting things sorted out they start fighting again….

Aragorn: BRING HIM DOWN LEGOLAS! *points to orc carrying lit torch and running to bomb*

Legolas: *thinks to self* I will make a dramatic comeback and hit him in places where he will live! *shoots him but he keeps running*

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!

The wall blows up and the orcs start running in…..

BEEP BEEP!!!

Everyone but Legolas: What in Middle-Earth is that!?

Legolas: YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: What is it, is it reinforcements? LEGOLAS DID YOU SEND FOR REINFORCEMENTS???

Legolas: YEAH!

Gimli: YAAAAAAY!!! LEGOLAS SENT FOR REINFORCEMENTS!!!!

Legolas: *jumps down from wall and runs what seems to be a man on a horse sign on the side* FINALLY!

Man: Sign here…and here….and initial here….and here!

Legolas: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! *hugs man*

Legolas: *comes back very happy and carrying a very big box*

Gimli: Where are the reinforcements?

Legolas: In here. *points to box*

Gimli: HUH!?! Let me see. *opens box and finds 200 shampoo bottles* THESE AREN’T REINFORCEMENTS!!!

Legolas: They are for me!!! *walks to keep*

When Legolas was almost to the keep some orcs decided to jump him and steal his shampoo….I can just tell you one thing….very bad idea….

Orcs: GET HIM!!!

Legolas: *thinks to self* This is it!!! *does backflip with case still in hand* STRAWBERRY SHAMPOO!!!! *he pulled out his bow faster than he ever had before and shot them within a heartbeat* *ran to the keep and hid the case and ran back out*

They continue fighting but the men are losing their numbers and may soon have to retreat….

Legolas: Mirkwood!!!!

Gimli: Kazadum!!!!

Aragorn: Gondor!!!!

Legolas: Mirkwood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: Kazadum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Gondor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: MIRKWOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: KAZADUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: GONDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They continue yelling but then they stop because they are being overrun…..

Aragorn: We are overrun!!! *looks at Haldir*

Haldir: *give Aragorn a thumbs up sign*

Orc: *stabs and kills Haldir*

Aragorn: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *runs to Haldir* THE KING WILL HEAL YOU!!!

Theoden: *rolls eyes*

Aragorn: The king will stay by your side- *someone bumps him and Phillip falls over the wall* PHILLIP!!!!!!!!! *jumps over wall* *Phillip rolls all over the place and Aragorn is getting stepped on trying to get it* PHILLIP NO!!!!!!! *chases after Phillip*

Theoden: TO THE KEEP!!!!!!!!!!! *gets idea to run ahead and lock Aragorn out* Come on come on!! *hurrying everyone up*

Every one of the survivors runs to the keep but Aragorn is still chasing Phillip….

Gimli: Come on Aragorn! *runs back and drags Aragorn into the keep*

Inside the keep…..

Theoden: Great….

Legolas: *hyperventilating* I can’t die….I am too pretty to die, too young, I still have the rest of till I die, I am going to die!!! The walls….they’re closing in….can’t get out….going to die….

Gimli: *throws shampoo on Legolas*

Legolas: Thanks…..DON’T WASTE IT!!!! *grabs it from Gimli*

Legolas: Walls…..closing in….can’t breathe…I can’t breathe!!! Have to get out….*looks around for window* AHA! *runs to window* *pulls up blinds and finds it is only a stone wall* What idiot puts a window here!! Aragorn, can’t breathe…….going to die…..*passes out*

Gimli: FINALLY!!! THANK VALAR!!!

They all throw a very big party, Gimli even plays the giant horn…

Aragorn: You play a mean giant horn Gimli!

Gimli: I play it sometimes…

Legolas: *gets up* WHAT IN MIDDLE-EARTH ARE YOU DOING!!!! *the men are squirting Legolas’s shampoo bottles all over the place* NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! *give me that!* *grabs the bottles from them*

Aragorn: Party pooper…

Legolas: *sitting on ground counting and adding up his shampoo bottles* I have a grand total of only….120 bottles left….*hides them in the best hiding spot he found*

After 3 minutes of thinking of what to do Legolas thinks of something….

Legolas: Ok everyone write your most embarrassing memory on a slip of paper! Remember when you are done with the marker to put the lid on.

5 minutes later….

Legolas: Ok, I have been noticing something, when you put the lid on make sure you hear a click…*puts cap on and it clicks* ok *grabs basket and pulls out first memory* Ok the first one says, Your party sucks Legolas….ok…

Just then they remember the army outside and get ready….

Legolas: I have an idea! I need an unimportant man.

Soldier: Ok! *walks up to Legolas*

Legolas: Ok, you go out and try to reason with them.

Soldier: I don’t think I really want t-

Legolas: Just go out! *opens door really quick and shoves him out and closes it*

Soldier: Greetings Orcs of Isenguard! I bring you peac-

Orcs: FOOD!!!!! *run up and start biting on him*

Soldier: LET ME IN!

Legolas: Opens door and he runs in and they slam it shut again.

Soldier: Great idea! *slaps Legolas*

Legolas: You touched my face…. you touched me…ME! Why you!

Everyone has to hold him back when the doors start shaking…

Aragorn: The king will go out and reason with them!!!

Theoden: Ok, *starts walking towards door*

Aragorn: No ME! *runs to door*

They both start shoving and race to the door…

Legolas: Wait! Since I am prince I should go!

Theoden: NO!

Gimli: I am going to play the giant horn again!

Theoden: I guess we will ride out in honor! Let’s all ride these conveniently placed horses!

Legolas: Ok!

They all get on horses except Gimli, when the doors burst open and they all ride out and some reason Gimli actually lives while he is playing the horn….

Orcs: FOOD!! *grabbing at Legolas*

Legolas: Get off of me!! *kicks orc*

Orc: *grabs Legolas’s boot*

Legolas: NOT MY CUSTOM-MADE DESIGNER BOOT!!! *jumps off Arod and grabs boot and the orcs start grabbing at his clothes and he jumps back with his boot and runs ahead*

Legolas: Arod get back here! Arod!!!!!!

Arod comes back and Legolas barely jumps on him….

Gandalf: *rides up very heroically and stands tall on Shadowfax* I come at the turn of the momen- AHHHH *falls off horse* I AM FALLING!!! I CAN’T SEE!!! I AM BLIND!!!! AHHH!!!! THE PAIN!!! My leg…I CAN’T FEEL MY LEG!!! AHHHH!!!

Eomer: What are you doing? *looks to Gandalf who is rolling around on the ground*

Gandalf: Oh….*climbs back on Shadowfax and rides down*

They all come and kill as many orcs as they can….

Gimli: Come on Legolas let’s go get ’em!

Legolas: I would except I am a prince and….you get the rest.

Gimli: I got 42…what about you?

Legolas: I got……..84.

Gimli: LIAR!

Legolas: You call me, prince Legolas, a liar! How dare you! OFF TO THE STOCKS WITH HIM!!

Gimli: What the!? You have no power here!

Legolas: Oh really!? *pours bleach all over him and reveals to be all white*

Gimli: That doesn’t work on me.

Legolas: It worked with Gandalf…..

A few minutes later when the Tree Ents have killed the orcs and they all settle back…

Over to The Ents….

Treebeard: GET THE ORCS!!!

They all rush in and go around kicking the orcs…

Treebeard: DIE ORCS!! *kicks 50*

Pippin: And..HERE’S THE PITCH!! *whips stone at orc and orc is knocked down*

Quickbeam: WHY WON’T YOU DIE!! *is stepping on orc that keeps living* *picks up orc and throws it to other ent*

They all play hot potato with the orc..

Saruman: WOULD ANY OF YOU ENTS

Pippin: I got an idea! *whispers it to Treebeard*

After a few minutes of organizing…

Treebeard: SET…HUT…HIKE!!! *throws the ball (an orc) to Quickbeam*

Quickbeam: TOUCHDOWN!!! *throws orc down and it hits many orcs*

Merry: *jumping around in tutu cheering for the ents*

Orc Quarterback: SET HUT HIKE!! *tries to throw ball (an orc) to other orc but is squished and the ents get the ball back*

They continue playing and at the half the score is Ents- 97, Orcs-0

For the half time show they set an ent on fire…

The ents get thirsty so the water ent breaks the dam which drowns all the orcs and they win…

Merry: WAHOO!!!!

The ents start attacking Orthanc but…

Treebeard: WHY WON’T YOU DIE!!! *banging head against Orthanc*

Quickbeam: DIE!!!

Half the ents fall down unconscious….

Treebeard: WHY CAN’T I KILL YOU!! *is now using Merry to break it open*

Pippin: It can’t die!

Treebeard: DIE!!

Orthanc: I’m dead ok!