Disclaimer: Yeah, you all know I didn’t invent the characters. Do I need to go over this all again?

A/N: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Computers! I HATE them sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, for my poor explanation as to why this chp. is so late in coming, there are 3 things. First of all, my computer crashed at the beginning of summer and hasn’t been online until the beginning of this week since then. Secondly, AFTER I already wrote this chp. and submitted it, something went wrong with the CoE server, and it got erased! Of course, being the BRILLINAT person that I am, I didn’t have a back-up. So I had to try to remember what I wrote and re-do it. Then, the story wasnÂ’t accepted because they no longer accept things in script form, so now I have to re-do it again!
A/N2: Oh, because of all that trouble, this chp. will NOT be finished when I submit it. I’m just going to get it in, then update it, so HOPEFULLY I won’t have any more problems…. though knowing my luck I will.
A/N3: Oh and this chapter will be written differently than the previous ones because of CoE no longer accepting “scripts.”
A/N4: Gee, I’m having a lot of these, amn’t I? Well, this SHOULD be the last one. Rated PG for use of the word “crap.” I’m not sure if that’s bad enough to make it PG, but better to be safe.

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Legolas

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Legolas screamed.
The first fangirl responded, “AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Leggy-Poo! AHHHHHHH! There he is, girls!”
All the other fangirls joined in screaming.
“OMG, he’s wearing LEATHER! AHHHHHHH!” FG#5 called.
“Oh crap,” Legolas muttered, and ran.
“Leggy, WAIT for me! I LOVE you!” whined FG#26
“NOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t see him anymore!” cried FG#56. “He’s too fast!” She burst into tears.
Having enough of all this, I cut in, “Okay, I think we’ve all heard enough of rabid fangirl ravings, eh? Let’s get back to the “hero” of this segment.”
“Phew, I think I lost them, for now.”
“Oh dear, we can’t be having that, now can we?” I asked sarcastically.
“Oh yes we can!” snapped Legolas, glaring at me.
“No, I’m afraid not, because you see, that wouldn’t be any fun. Besides which, you’ll just be playing hide-and-go-seek for the rest of your life if you keep that up.”
“Oh no,” groaned Legolas, “you mean, it’s not over yet? I didnÂ’t win when I lost them?”
“ Not even close, elf-boy. And I, of course will be helping the fans.” I replied smugly.
“Then how am I supposed to have even a shot at winning?”
“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll play by the rules. All I’ll do is make sure you can’t hide for very long before they catch up,” I paused, “probably…..”
“Why don’t I feel very reassured?” Legolas muttered to the sky.
“Don’t you?” I asked, pretending to be shocked. “Hmmm, well, I can’t imagine why not. Oh, I’d get moving by the way. The fangirls should reach the top of this hill in about thirty seconds.”
FG#7 is heard faintly over the hills. “He went this way! Come on! Legolas! Wait!”
Once again, Legolas’ response was, “Oh crap.”

Merry and Pippin

“Okay, great. She’s gone,” Pippin said happily. “Now… what are we doing?”
“I don’t know!” Merry cried, “I just got here, remember! You’re the one who’s supposed to tell me what’s going on!”
“Oh, right.” Pippin glanced down at Merry, “Umm, could you get on my shoulder or something? It’s getting hard to look down far enough to see you.”
“Whatever. At least you won’t step on me this way.”
Suddenly a voice came from somewhere closeby. “No, that would get very messy. Not a good thing, don’t you think, ‘Ro?”
“Who’s there?” demanded Merry.
“Oh, just us.” The voice came from directly behind the two hobbits.
“Eek!” shrieked Merry and Pippin. Pippin jumped about 3 feet in the air, giving Elrohir, who had been behind them, enough time to push a blanket covered in compost beneath the hobbits.
Pippin, now covered in rotten vegetables and other garbage, climbs out of the muck. “Eeeeeeeeeew.”
“Mmph!” came a cry from underneath the garbage. Merry dug his way out of the compost. “What was that for?!”
The twins, now out of hiding, burst into laughter and give each other high fives.
“Because it’s funny!” Elladan exclaimed.
“And it was so easy!” Elrohir chimed in.
“Well pranks are all very well and good,” snapped merry, disgusted, “but this is going a little far, don’t you think? I mean, this is gross.”
The twins consider this point for a moment. “No.”
“It’s not like anyone was hurt…” Elladan began.
“Just smelly,” Elrohir continued. “And besides…”
“We have our reputations to live up to!” Elladan finished.
Suddenly, Pippin had a thought. “Uh-oh.”
“What now?” sighed Merry.
“I just remembered what we have to do….”
After waiting for a long time for Pippin to finish, Merry grows exasperated. “AND?”
“We have to beat them in pranks.”
The Twins begin to laugh again.
“Good luck….” began Elladan.
Elrohir sniggered. “You’ll need it.”
“Tell you what,” Elladan continued, “we’ll give you a head start.”
Elrohir finished with, “There’s a stream that way,” He points to the right, “and we won’t try anything else until you’ve cleaned up.”
Both twins seem to disappear into the trees, their musical laughter floating back.Merry and Pippin, grumbling, head off to the stream.
That’s when I reveal myself to the audience. “Oh, they’re so naïve, aren’t they? This isn’t going to be pleasant for them. But, it doesn’t really matter now because we’re going to visit someone else.”

Sam

Sam is sitting morosely on the ground, looking at the carrot patch. “Okay, the fact that nothing is happening really worries me. Seems to me that if this is supposed to be hard, and it ain’t, the author must be plannin’ something.”
“Oh, I dunno about that…. I told you exactly what you have to do. And I think you’d better look again. Something is happening.” I reply, startling Sam out of his reverie.
“Huh?” Sam looks over at the carrot patch, where the carrots in the first row are mysteriously being pulled into the ground, one by one. “Hey! What the?!” He grabs a shovel and jams it in the ground right in front of the last carrot to be taken. A loud clang is heard, and a little gray rabbit (well, not really little, but oh well) pops out of the ground, rubbing his head.
“Ouch. Now why do you suppose someone would leave a shovel in the middle of a carrot patch? Makes it kinda difficult to gather carrots,” he whined.
“That’s the idea,” Sam replied.
The rabbit spins around to face Sam, who is tapping his foot with an annoyed expression on his face. He nibbles the end of the carrot he just took. “Eh, what’s up, Doc?”
“Doc?” Sam asks, confused. “My name’s not….. wait a minute. You’re a rabbit.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And you’re talking.”
“Uh-huh.”
Sam shakes his head. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”
*The rabbit (okay you’d all better know who he is by now, so I’ll be calling him by his name from now on) gasps. “A talking rabbit doesn’t surprise you?! Oh no! This is…. This is awful! You’re sick! Not right in the head! A doctor! Somebody call a Doctor!” He runs off camera, then returns, wearing a lab coat and surgeons mask. He pushes Sam onto a hospital table that is inexplicably there.
Sam is too bewildered to resist. “What’s going on here?”
Bugs speaks in a German accent. “Och! This is worse than I thought! He is wrong in the head! Only one thing to do!” While speaking, he circles the table, strapping Sam down. “Brain surgery! We must save what little is left of his mind!”
“Wait just one minute, you….” Sam realizes he is strapped down. “You little rodent! Lemme up!”
“Och! Now he calls people names! We must hurry! Anesthesia!” Bugs pulls a huge wooden sledgehammer out of his pocket and begins to swing it at Sam’s head.
“AHH!” Sam jerks to the side, making the hammer miss him by an inch.
Bugs stops speaking in his accent and takes off his disguise. “Hmmm, no one’s ever done that before…. It always works on Elmer and Yosemite Sam and all the others.” He begins to walk away from Sam, who is beginning to free himself from the straps. “I just can’t understand it! Oh well, back to the old drawing board!” Bugs dives into his hole.

Gandalf and Qui-Gon

Gandalf stares up at the Cliffs of Insanity. “That’s a long way up.”
I, of course, have to take this moment to jump in. “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
Qui-Gon ignores me. “Yes, it will be difficult, even for a Jedi.” He looks at Gandalf worriedly. “Can you make it? I won’t be able to help you much as it will take all that I have simply to reach the top myself.”
“You forget I am a wizard. I can manage.”
“Then, let’s go.”
My conscience decides to bother me, so…. “You know, I probably should warn you that….”
“Yes?” Gandalf finally asks, after a long pause.
Oh, good, my conscience shut up. “Oh, nothing, nothing. Nevermind.”
“No, it’s something,” Qui-Gon answers, narrowing his eyes at me.
“Oh no,” I answer innocently, “I’m quite sure that such a big powerful Jedi and Wizard wouldn’t need to be warned about something as trivial as that…. no, no. Don’t mind me. Carry on!”
Qui-Gon rolls his eyes, then begins to climb, every sense on high alert for danger.
Gandalf uses his magic to levitate himself up, keeping pace with Qui-Gon.
Hmm, is Gandalf supposed to be able to do that? Hmm, oh well if he isnÂ’t. My story, my rules. Oh, theyÂ’re far enough up now, they should be getting there right aboutÂ…. now. *laughs*
A large cloud of greenish gas suddenly erupts from the mountainside, surrounding the two adventurers before either can react or stop breathing. Then, just as suddenly as it appeared, the gas dissipates.
“Whoops, maybe they did need to be warned…. This should get interesting! But now, on to the next challenger!”

Obi-Wan

Obi-Wan stands awkwardly in front of the dark-haired elf for a moment. “So…. You’re name’s Figwit, huh?”
Figwit nods.
“I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
Figwit inclines his head politely.
Obi-Wan is feeling very awkward. “Well, I’d kinda like to get out of here, so could you just say something?”
Figwit raises an eyebrow.
Obi-Wan sighs. “Please?”
Figwit gives Obi-Wan the “Elrond glare of Doom”
Obi-Wan rolls his eyes, exasperated. “Okay, CAN you speak?”
Figwit thinks for a moment, then nods.
Frustrated, Obi-Wan snaps, “Then why won’t you?”
Figwit shrugs.
Despite being very amused by the proceedings, I can’t resist a jab. “It’s no use trying that way, you know. Or has your great Jedi Wisdom told you that already?”
Obi-Wan ignores me, and reaches for the Force. “You WILL….. Hey!”
I try desperately to keep a straight face and ask nonchalantly, “Something wrong, Obi-Wan?”
“I can’t feel the Force!”
“Dear, oh dear! What ever will we do?!” I gasp in mock horror.
Obi-Wan is getting angry. Patience was never his strong point…. “Why you…. Give me back my Force connection!”
“Or what?” I ask mockingly
“Or I’ll….” Obi_wan yanks out his lightsaber, igniting the red blade, and Force-overturns a table.” “I’ll… wait a minute… RED?!”
Laughing hysterically, I nod.
“And I just used the Force when I’m mad?!” Obi-Wan exclaims, horrified.
Still laughing, I manage to nod again. “Uh-huh!” I exclaim gleefully
“Holy crap! You turned me into a Sith!”

Frodo

“Great. What am I going to do now?” Frodo moaned. “I’m in the middle of nowhere, looking for a pizza!” Dejectedly, he picked a random direction and began slogging off through the mud.
After a few minutes of this, a popping noise was heard, and a deady jet sprung out of the ground, inches from where Frodo stood. He yelped. “What the heck is going on?!”
“Hello, you’re in the Fire swamp, duh.” I reply.
Frodo just stares. “Huh?”
“The Fire Swamp, from the Princess Bride. Flame spurts, lightning sand and R-O-U-S’s.”
“R-O-U-S’s?”
“Rodent of Unusual Size. But, as you can see, I’ve made some slight changes, because this is supposed to be a humorous story, not a scary one.”
“I’m not laughing.” Frodo snapped.
“You don’t have to. I just hope the audience is,” I said carelessly, casually stepping aside as another poppingsound in heard from underneath me. Yet another deady jet of purple buttlerflies shoots out of the ground.
“Wait a minute,” Frodo interrupted my description. “How are BUTTERFLIES deadly?”
I blink. “Umm…. because I say they are.”
Frodo rolls his eyes and continues walking, unaware that he is being tracked by beady little rodent eyes.
“Hmm, what do you all of you out there think? Should I warn him?… Didn’t think so. On we go!”

Will

Will raised his eyebrows at the little green imp. “So let me get this straight. You’re supposed to teach me to be a… Jedi. And a Jedi is like Obi… Obi… oh whatever his name is and his mentor.”
“Hmmm, Obi-Wan Kenobi his name is. And correct, you are, that Jedi they are.”
“And you can teach me to do the kind of stuff they can?” Will asked skeptically.
Yoda sighed “So sure of himself. So judgemental. This is why teach him, I will not.” Suddenly he fixed his sharp gaze of Will. “Deceive you, appearances can. Trust them, do not.”
“So…. you’re not really a little old creature with a walking stick?”
“Heh,” Yoda scoffed, “Little I am. Old too. A walking stick I have. But powerful I am as well. The FORCE is my ally. And gives me strength, it does.”
“Okay, whatever,” Will replied, trying to seem convinced. “Will you train me now?”
“You know,” I can’t resist interrupting, “you’re not getting off to the greatest start if you want him to train you. Do you honestly think he doesn’t know that you don’t really believe him?”
“Well, I want to believe him, doesn’t that count for something.” Will demanded, exasperated.
I think about this for a moment. “Dunno. Ask your teacher!”
Yoda shakes his head.“Reckless that one is. Doesn’t think before she acts. But power she has here. Learn the hard way, she will, I fear.”
This gives Will an inspiration. “Look, Yoda, I didn’t ask to come here and start training with you. She grabbed me out of my world and dropped me here, and the only way I can get back is if you teach me to use the Force. Yeah, I’m kind of skeptical right now. But maybe you can teach me not to be. Please, help me.”
“Aw, how touching,” I smirk.
Will glares in my general direction.
“Hmmm, believe, you still do not, but true your feelings are. And a good heart you have. But learn to control you emotions you must, if I am to teach you.”
Will’s eyes widened. “You mean you’ll do it?! Thank you, Master Yoda! I won’t let you down.”
I roll my eyes. “Well that was the most unhumorous, sentimental, disappointing part of the whole story so far!” I sigh, and mutter, “I must be losing my touch….” Then I brighten up, “But, there are always others to harass! On we go!”

Aragorn and Boromir

Raising their swords in defensive posture, Aragorn and Boromir wait for Darth Maul to attack. But they do not expect the speed with which he moves. Agilely, he leaps over their heads, twisting in the air to land, facing their backs.
“Whoa, how’d he do that?” Aragorn muttered, twisting and rolling just in time to avoid Maul’s blades. Boromir began to answer, but was stopped by a swift kick in the jaw from his tatooed opponent.
“Foul orc spawn!” Aragorn cried, charging. Maul looked momentarily confused, but then leaped aside and blocked Aragorn’s sword with contemptuous ease.
“Um, dude, he’s not an orc.” I snicker
“Well what else could he possibly be? He’s not human, elf, hobbit, or dwarf, that’s for certain.”
“A zabrak. Iridonian zabrak, to be precise.”
“A what?”
“Watch Star Wars.”
Aragorn’s confused expression says all, and I roll my eyes at his ignorance. Meanwhile, Boromir finally gets up and Darth Maul continues tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for the talking to be over.
“Alright, alright,” I say. “Don’t let me keep you from your manly duel. Oh, and just to make things more interesting….” Several giant, bottomless pits appear in the ground. “Watch that first step. It’s a doozy.” I leave, laughing, to go find my next victim.

Elizabeth tentatively reached out her hand to the grey stallion, who regarded her thoughtfully, then turned away, deciding that she was not worthy of its attentions. “That’s a good horsie,” Elizabeth cooed, reaching out to pat it. “Now why don’t you, like, just let me on and we’ll have a nice ride?” Elizabeth had almost touched the horse’s neck when he abruptly flattened his ears and struck at her like a snake. “Eek!” Elizabeth shieked, yanking her hand back just as the stallion’s teeth clicked where her hand had been. “Like, O my god! It, like, totally just tried to kill me! O my god! O my god!”
“Pipe down missy,” grumbled Gimli, who was involved with his own problems. “That voice of yours is enough to give anyone a headache. It’s no wonder the beast doesn’t like you!” He regarded his own animal with no small amount of suspicion, despite the fact that the placid pony had allowed him to walk up to it and take the reins with no problems. However, he could not seem to make the stubborn animal move forward to the large tree stump that he felt he could use as a mounting block.
“Well, you, like, don’t have to be so mean about it!” Elizabeth huffed. “It’s like, totally not my fault that the author, like, messed with my voice!” She had stepped back from the stallion, and was now eyeing it warily.
“Well you don’t hacve to use your cursed voice!” Gimli snapped back. “WILL YOU MOVE YOU STUBBORN BEAST!” he roared at his pony, then resorted to a string of dwarvish cursing.
“Dear, dear, such language!” I gasp. “I think I’ll have to censor that.”
Gimli gives me a death glare, but sttops muttering curses and decides to resort to attempting a ground mount. I can barely restrain my laughter as he tries unsucessfully to clamber aboard.
“Do you honestly think that’ll work?” I snigger.
“Hah, YES!” Gimli crows as he manages to get one stumpy leg halfway over the pony’s broad back. But, of course, being Gimli, he loses his grip on the reins at that exact moment, and crashes back to the ground, headfirst. Of course, I just MIGHT have had a little something to do with that, but we can’t have this be easy, now can we?
“Owwwwwww,” Gimli graoned, sitting up and rubbing his helmet.
“Well, at least that helmet is good for SOMETHING,” I remark. “It did save your skull from getting cracked, though it’s so thick I doubt it would have anyways.”
“Oh will you, like, shut up and leave us alone so we can like, totally get this stupid challenge over with!” Elizabeth snapped.
“Oh, absolutely, your worshipfulness. I’ll leave you and your noble steed to be at peace and all…. if you can get close to him!” I smile nastily, as Elizabeth is still unable to get within three feet of the stallion without having to dodge a bite or a kick. “After all, I have one more person to torment before this chapter is over. And he’ll be the most fun of all! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*gasp for breath*-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew! Who ever knew that an evil laugh could be so hard! But, anyhow, adios! See you in the next chapter!”

Jack

Jack is sitting morosely on the beach, glancing up at the bottle of rum from time to time. “Bloody author! ‘I have some rum for you,’ she says. Yeah, sure she does. Bloody impossible to get. WONDERFUL girl, I tell you!” His voice fades off into unintelligible mumbling, probably because he is using some four-letter words that would make this story more than a G or PG rating. Unable to sit there, staring at the rum any longer, he finaly gets up and begins pacing. “Bloody impossible to get, yes. No point in trying. Just make a fool out of myself. Yeah…. no point….” Unable to resist temptation, Jack glances around to be sure nobody’s watching, and walks back over to the rum. his eyes light on a palm tree, about six feet to the left of the floating bottle. “Hmmm……”
10 minutes later, Jack was ready to carry out his plan. He climbed into the palm tree, dragging a mess of vines behind him. “Come on, come on, please.” he begged, as the vines got caught on the tree branches. “Ah, come on, you bloody vines!”
“You know, you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means,” I smirk, “Sorry, Princess Bride moment.”
“Uh…. right….” Jack continues to climb, muttering darkly to himself. “Finally!” Jack reaches the top, and ties one end of the vine to a sturdy branch, and jumps. “AHHHHHHHHH!”
“Oh come on, this shouldn’t bother you!” I giggle. “After all, you had plenty of practice in the beginning of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie!”
Jack makes a grab for the bottle….. and misses. He reaches the top of his swing and starts back, ready to make another try for it.
“You know, that is never going to work.” I say. “You really ought to tie better knots if you expect it to hold.”
Sure enough, as I finish speaking, the knot comes loose, sending Jack hurling through the air, straight towards a convenient mud puddle. (Can’t have the characters killing themselves off, can we?) “Bloody-” Whatever Jack was about to say is cut off as he does a face-plant into the mud.
I can barely speak for laughing so hard. “You *giggle* really *gasp* ought to *snort* clean up *laugh* so you’ll be *snicker* presentable for the next chapter. *roll on the floor laughing*”
Jack raises his head from the mud, glares, and mutters something through the mud.
“What was that? Didn’t quite catch it. *giggle* Then again, that’s probably a good thing…. TOODLES!”

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A/N: YES! I’m FINALLY DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER!!!! *band begins to play vicory music* Once again, I sincerely apologize for the delay. I hope that finding out about Obi-Wan makes up for it, and if notÂ…. WellÂ… I have a force field around me so you canÂ’t kill me, ha!
A/N2: I also apologize if my writing isn’t as good. It’s a LOT easier to write it in script form, so I’m sorry if this chapter isn’t as good as the previous ones.