A Twelfth Night of Midsummer's Dream by Napolde
[Welcome back to “A Twelfth Night of Midsummer’s Dream”! This is week Two and frustrations are high as the “guests” (I like to call them victims) are trying to memorize their lines and cope with the parts they got at the same time. Here’s a recap of who got what.]
Lysander-Arwen
Hermia-Aragorn
Demetrius-Eowyn
Helena-Faramir
Oberon-Gandalf
Titania-Denethor
Puck 1-Merry
Puck 2-Pippin
Bottom-Glorfindel
Francis Flute-Legolas
Peter Quince-Eomer
Snug-Nazgul #5
Robin Starreling-Gimli
Philostrate-Elladan
Selina-Idril
Peaceblossom-Haldir
A/67: HeÂ’s mine I swear!!…Hey what part did Aragorn get?
[Look up.][A/67 looks up]
A/67: Oh…he got Hermia. I’ll stalk him if you don’t mind.
[I don’t, just leave Haldir alone. Back to the real list.]
Cobweb-Rumil
Moth-Orophin
Mustardseed-Tori
Daisy-The Balrog
Sprite-Frodo
Sprout-Sam
Duke of Athens-Galadriel
Amazon Queen-Celeborn
[This list will be available at the end of each fan fiction so don’t you forget! What are we doing today Napolde?]
Napolde: They’ve read their scripts so I think I’ll ask absolutely random people to read their best line. Legolas?
Legolas: “No really; donÂ’t let me play a woman. IÂ’ve a beard coming.” [Everyone snickers.] And what’s so funny, may I ask?
Aragorn: You have a stupid line. [Legolas screeches.]
Legolas: Well at least I don’t wear a dress! I wear a tunic, you hear? A tunic!
Limel: Hate to burst your bubble, Leggy, but look what you wear in the last scene. [Limel holds up a large pink dress. Legolas screeches.] But don’t take it as an insult. Only the manliest of men wear dresses, tutus, and pink frilly things.
A/67: Aragorn wore a pink Speedo for me once. [A/67
Haldir: He was dared to take a shower. [A/67 swivels her head to look adoringly at Haldir. Haldir realizes what he did.] Oops. [Haldir runs for his life with A/67 on his heels.]
A/67: I LOVE YOU HALDIR!!!
[MINE!!!][I get into a fight with A/67. Souppy takes my job.]
Souppy: Limel takes a tranquilizer dart and shoots A/67 with it. Thali resumes her duties.
Legolas: Okay. But… I’ll have to fight him to prove how manly I am.
Limel: Then wear this! [Limel holds up a frilly pink tutu.]
Napolde: Aragorn, will you put this on for me? [Napolde holds up another frilly pink tutu.]
Both: I guess so. [Both of them leave for the menÂ’s room.]
[Two hours later and they still haven’t come out yet…]
Kels: I wonder what’s taking them so long.
Mene: Why don’t you go, Viggo?
Viggo: Indeed, I would be perfect for the job. [Viggo isn’t moving.]
Mene: Viggo?
Viggo: Yes?
Mene: Go or I’ll publicize this picture. [Mene pulls out a picture of Viggo wearing Arwen’s purple dress. He is posing.]
Viggo: I was framed, I tell you, FRAMED!! [Mene flicks her hand and the picture moves to show she has tons of them. Each one shows him in a different pose.]
Mene: Yes, you were. But how would they know?
Viggo: I, uh… was just going to check on Aragorn and Legolas. Bye! [Viggo runs away to the bathroom. He’s gone a few seconds before he runs back screaming.] THEY ESCAPED!!! THEY RAN AWAY AND ESCAPED!!! GOD BLESSED THEM!!!
Limel: I’m not suffering without them! [Limel draws two swords and sprints off.]
Napolde: An angry Limel is a useful one.
Souppy: I second that statement.
[Indeed…oh crap!! I sound like Viggo!]
Viggo: Indeed, is that a bad thing?
[YEAH!!]
Viggo: Kay. [Eventually, Limel is back with the runaways. Both are unconscious and Legolas has a black eye. Napolde starts giggling uncontrollably.]
Napolde: Notice anything different about Leggy there? [Souppy stares at Legolas.]
Souppy: Apart from the black eye, no. He has a nose, a mouth, all his limbs, short blond hair, and he still has all his arrows.
Napolde: Say that again.
Souppy: He has a nose, a mouth, all his limbs, short blond hair, and– oh… [Souppy stifles a high pitched giggle.]
Limel: Don’t tell Leggy that. I’m planning to torture him before telling him. In the mean time… [Limel drops Legolas and picks up a bag of tranquilizer darts. Limel stops for a moment, then hands Souppy a handful of them. Limel walks off to the showers. Idril starts playing scary music. Screaming is heard then suddenly cut off. Limel drags a soaking-but-cleaner-Aragorn-with-a-dart-in-his-arm back out. Propping Aragorn up on a wall, Limel shaves off all his “manly” stubble.]
Arwen: Fun…
Elrond: I’m so happy.
Viggo: Indeed.
Elrond: You’ll marry my daughter!
Viggo: Me?
Elrond: Yes, you.
Mene: Sorry, Elrond, but this man’s taken!
Arwen: Ada, are you trying to marry me off AGAIN?
Mene: Yes he is, Arwen.
Glori: RUN FOR YOUR KILTS…I MEAN LIVES!!
Arwen: …
[Exactly.]
Souppy: Why did you say kilts, Glori?
Glori: Ummm…I was…fantasizing…about … umm…Billy?
Ireth: WHAT?!?
Glori: I meant…Dom!!!
Souppy: Are kilts manly skirts?
[Yes and man purses are manly too!!!]
Souppy: What are man purses?
[Purses…for…men.]
Souppy: AREN’T THOSE FOR GAY PEOPLE??
[Shh…You ask too many questions. And Craig has one.][We resume with the line spouting.]
Napolde: Sam, your turn [Napolde grins evilly.]
Sam: … Um well…”And Sprout.”
Souppy: That’s your most important line?
Sam: [Sam sniffles.] Well, it is my only line. [Everyone bursts out laughing.]
Souppy: Ha-ha itÂ’s your ha-ha only line? Ha-ha-ha! It sucks!
Sam: Like you had to tell me that.
Napolde: Souppy, stop being mean to the players.
Gandalf: Players? As in like Playas? [Gandalf runs to the costume closet] Finally I can wear my pimp outfit. [Souppy lugs him back to the stage.]
Legolas: [Legolas wakes up, slightly.] Who said we had a costume closet?
[I did.]
Legolas: Eeek!! The disembodied voice!!
[I do to have a body. Just ask Haldir!!]
Napolde: Do you want to keep this PG?
[…I mean…Here I’ll show you.]
Legolas: Ummm… [I slap Legolas.] Owies. Well I know you have a hand. What if youÂ’re just a disembodied hand with a disembodied voice? [I proceed to beat up Legolas.]
[I think I have a body. What do you think?]
Legolas: Okay you are not a disembodied voice… owww… [Legolas walks over to a mirror.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Galadriel: What’s going on, Legolas?
Legolas: My…my…hair [Legolas begins to sob. Galadriel sees his hair and tries not to laugh.]
Galadriel: It’ll grow back…I’m sure…yeah. [Galadriel looks away.]
Legolas: Really?
Napolde: No.
Limel: Sucker.
Napolde: Gandalf.
Gandalf: “IÂ’m only asking for a little changeling boy to be my pageÂ…er!”
Limel: Gandalf, do you want me to do the same thing to you? [Limel shows him Aragorn, still unconscious from the dart.]
Gandalf: No.
Limel: Then SAY YOUR LINES RIGHT!!!
Gandalf: “IÂ’m only asking for a little changeling boy to be my page!”
Napolde: Denethor.
Denethor: “What angel wakes me from my bed of flowers?”
Faramir: That’s stupid, Daddy.
Denethor: Well at least your brother calls me Father!
Boromir: Right-on, Pop.
Glori: That’s pitiful. [The line spouting continues on in a similar fashion. Eventually everyone finishes their lines and Aragorn wakes up. Napolde calls them to attention.]
Napolde: Listen, you guys, I know you’re all in a bad mood. Let’s forget that and have a sleepover! There are tons of sleeping bags in the costume closet and it will be really fun! Questions? [Aragorn raises his hand.] Aragorn, are you asking if A/67 will be here? [Aragorn nods.] Yes. [Legolas raises his hand.] Yes we will be sleeping in the same room, Legolas. [Galadriel raises her hand.] No, I don’t have a magical mirror. Limel is telling me what you guys are thinking. [Gandalf raises his hand.] Yes you choose where on the floor you sleep, yes, you can choose your sleeping bag, and no, I am not a fully qualified divorce attorney. Anyone else? Pippin.
Pippin: What are we doing?
[A while later…]
Napolde: It’s time! I’ll get the sleeping bags!
Souppy: -and we’ll have popcorn and soda, and play truth or dare! [Idril plays scary music.]
A/67: Will Haldir be there?
Souppy: Yes.
A/67: YAY!
Erestor: I’m scared, I’m scared, I am sooooo scared…
Limel: Boo!
Erestor: Hold me! [Erestor hugs Limel. Limel freezes.] Uh… [Limel hugs him back.]
Limel: I’m scared too.
Souppy: That’s it! A game, a game! [Erestor and Limel hug harder.]
Erestor: I’m scared of her.
Limel: I’m scared of what she’ll do to us with A/67. [Napolde drags out the sleeping bags. Everyone gets a sleeping bag and settles down.]
Souppy: Truth or dare! [Idril plays scary music.] A/67, truth or dare? [Idril plays scary music.]
A/67: Dare. [Idril plays scary music.]
Souppy: I dare [Idril plays scary music.] you… [Souppy looks around.] …to eat dirt!
A/67: Fine. [A/67 eats some dirt.] Ummm… Limel! Truth or dare? [Idril plays scary music.]
Limel: Truth.
A/67: Do you like Erestor?
Limel: Ummm… No… [Everyone can tell she’s lying except Erestor. Limel gives a nervous smile.] Elladan?
Elladan: Truth.
Limel: Have you ever been mistaken as a girl?
Elladan: Yes… Gandalf?
Gandalf: Truth.
Elladan: What were you dreaming about the night before we left?
Gandalf: BUNNIES!!! THEY WERE EVERYWHERE!! AND THERE WAS THIS DUCK THAT ATE THE BUNNIES, AND THEN IT STARTED TO MOO AND TURN INTO A COW WITH THAT MAD COW DISEASE, SO I CHOPPED OFF ITS HEAD, AND THEN THE HEAD TURNED INTO MICHAEL JACKSON AND HE SANG, SO I WACKED HIM, AND HE TURNED INTO A PIECE OF CHEESE, AND THE CHEESE SAID, ” IN THE NEXT 192 HOURS, DENETHOR WILL SAY SOMETHING STUPID!”, AND THEN… I woke up. Pippin?
Pippin: Truth.
Gandalf: If I asked you, would you marry me?
Pippin: No. [Gandalf pouts.] Merry, truth or–
Merry: Dare. [Idril plays scary music.]
Pippin: I dare [Idril plays scary music.] you to go next door to the Middle Earth’s Most Eligible Bachelor Auction, run around in a penguin costume and scream, “I’M MARRIED TO ARAGORN!”
Merry: Um, did I say dare? [Idril plays scary music.] I meant truth.
Souppy: Dom, Merry’s mimicking you!
Dom: Do I look like I care?
Souppy: No.
Dom: Does that mean I care?
Soupy: Yes.
[Here’s your costume, Merry. Now run along.][Merry looks like he wants to run away. Limel glares at him menacingly and he walks to the bathroom. Two minutes later, he waddles back in.]
Merry: I feel stupid.
[You look stupid, too.]
Napolde: Wow. [Napolde hugs Pippin.] Thank you!! You just made my day.
Pippin: If that’s all it takes, I’ll make your day every day!
Limel: Why don’t you walk Merry over to the Bachelor Auction, A/67?
A/67: What do I get?
[A needle & liquid chocolate.]
A/67: What about some anti-freeze?
Souppy: Fine. [Souppy reluctantly gives her the anti-freeze.]
A/67: I’ll do it! Come on Merry!! Let’s go embarrass you!
[Two minutes later…][A/67 runs back in without Merry.]
[Another five minutes later…]
Lozza: [She holds up Merry in his costume. His costume is torn up.] Is this yours?
[No actually it’s Aorelind’s. You should know that.]
Lozza: But she returned him…
[Yes it is ours.]
Lozza: Why did he run in there screaming that he was married to Aragorn? [Lozza shudders.]
[Truth or Dare.][Idril plays scary music.][All Pippin’s fault.]
Lozza: I should have guessed.
Napolde: Don’t go Lozza! We’re having a sleep-over. Please stay!!
Lozza: What do I get? [Napolde holds up a pair of Gil-galad’s boxers.]That’ll go great with my Gil-galad! Deal.
Claire: I like sugar. Hee-hee.
Napolde: Who the heck are you?
[My human.]
Napolde: Like Souppy?
[Yes, only smarter.]
Napolde: Ah. Well, Merry, it’s your turn.
Merry: Lozza, Truth or DARE. [Idril plays scary music.]
Lozza: Dare. [Idril plays scary music.]
Merry: I dare [Idril plays scary music.] you to french Gil-galad.
Lozza: That’s not much of a dare. [Idril plays scary music.] Do you still want me to do it or do you want to come up with a better one?
Merry: Fine. I dare [Idril plays scary music.] you to trim Aragorn’s hair evenly, without the tranquilizer gun.
Lozza: Now that’s a dare. [Idril plays scary music. Lozza grabs some scissors & scoots behind Aragorn]
Aragorn: Whatcha doing, Lozza?
Lozza: Trying to trim your hair. Why?
Aragorn: Just wondering? [Before Aragorn realizes what she has just said, Lozza trims his hair…evenly. Aragorn screams.]
Lozza: My turn. Thali, Truth or Dare? [Idril plays scary music.]
[Truth.]
Lozza: Where does wind come from?
[What kind of question is that?]
Lozza: One that I want answered.
[Fine. It comes from Ents sneezing.]
Pippin: Told ya, Merry.
Merry: I thought it was when the air is heated by the sun, becomes less dense & rises, moves and cools, becoming denser. The cycle is then repeated.
[Nope. It’s always been the Ents sneezing. For tree-men, they have really bad allergies]
Pippin: What are they allergic to?
[Dandruff & pet dander. And hobbits.]
Pippin: Oh.
[My turn. Erestor, Truth or Dare?]
Erestor: Dare. [Idril plays scary music.]
Limel: Whoa.
[Limel gives me an idea.][Erestor, I dare you to kiss Limel.]
Erestor: On the lips?
[Definitely.]
Erestor: Ummm… [Limel looks at him dreamily, then realizes people are watching and pouts.]
Limel: Well, if he’s going to kiss me, then give him some space! [Limel and Erestor start kissing. Souppy scoots away. Merry and Pip-
Pippin: Now what did we tell you?
[Fine. Two hobbits whose names start with certain letters of the alphabet start singing.]
Two hobbits whose names start with certain letters of the alphabet: Limel and Erestor, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G; first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage!
Limel: Oh shut up, shorties! [Limel tugs Erestor over and into the costume closet.]
Souppy: Time for a lecture on being mature, Pip… you too, Merry… [A strange flying bunny lands on Napolde’s shoulder.]
Napolde: Oh look, it is Usyagi… [Usyagi holds up a flower.] Okay, it’s a message from God… he says, “This story is immoral and should be banned from CoE… It also says that Erestor chooses Denethor and I will send another message depending on Denethor’s choice.” … thank you, Usyagi… [Usyagi flutters off.]
Denethor: Truth. [Usyagi flies back in carrying another flower.]
Napolde: Thank you… “If Denethor chose truth, Erestor asks him, ‘Do you hate Faramir?’ Please put ear plugs in his ears now.” [Boromir pops some earplugs into his father’s ears.] “Denethor will lie when he answers. DO NOT ask him to tell the truth. You can take the earplugs out now.” [Boromir gives his father the thumbs up sign and Denethor takes them out.] “Best wishes, God.”
Denethor: Of course I hate him! [Faramir does a happy dance.] Stop dancing! I truth or dare [Idril plays scary music.] you, Faramir!
Faramir: Dare. [Idril plays scary music.]
Denethor: I dare [Idril plays scary music.] you to marry…Eowyn! [Usyagi flies back in with another flower.]
Napolde: This one says… “I give full authority for Napolde to complete the dare.” [Idril plays scary music.] Oh goody!
Souppy: Oh my gawd… she said “goody”?
Napolde: I am the oldest person in the world. [Napolde sighs.] By the powers invested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife. The end. LetÂ’s go to bed nowÂ… [Napolde yawns and curls up in her sleeping bag.]
[Go to sleep or IÂ’ll smite you all.] [Every one falls asleep.]
[The next morningÂ…]
[A/67 has some how gotten into HaldirÂ’s sleeping bag. Merry and Pippin switched places.Napo-]
[Wait a minuteÂ…A/67!!!!! You get out of there now!!!]
A/67: I donÂ’t want to.
[IÂ’ll ban you from the ficÂ…FOREVER!!!]
Napolde: Actually I kind of like her here.
[ThatÂ’s cause she isnÂ’t makingÂ’ any moves on your guy, now is she?]
Napolde: Haldir is not “your guy”. Craig is. Isn’t that right, Craig?
Craig: WowÂ… someone is actually talking to me.
[I talk to you all the time, except for when IÂ’m doing my Narratorly duties.]
Craig: Someone talked to me again!! Anyway, you have to do that all the time.
[I back away from the mike & talk to you, donÂ’t I?]
Craig: No. [Craig suddenly realizes that Thali is the best girlfriend in the world & all that she speaks is truth. He also realizes he loves Thali.]You are the best girlfriend in the world. All that you speak is truth. I love you!!
[I love being the Narrator…I mean I love you too Craig. Plus technically you are also Haldir, so HaldirÂ’s mine too.]
Haldir: Will someone get rid of her? [Haldir points to A/67]
[Of course. I was waiting for someone to ask so Napolde didnÂ’t think it was all my doing.]
Napolde: Now I know itÂ’s all your doing.
[Point please.]
Napolde: IÂ’m the Author & what I say goes. [Napolde suddenly realizes that Thali is the best Narrator in the world, A/67 is pure evil.] I already knew the former. Cool, A/67 is evil. [Napolde suddenly realizes that A/67 is hitting on Erestor.] LEAVE HIM ALONE!! IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE NOW IÂ’LLÂ…IÂ’llÂ…
[Smite her.]
[A/67 does not leave. A/67 is smote. Napolde goes back to her usual selfÂ…wait a minuteÂ…thatÂ’s a bad thingÂ…oh dear.]
Napolde: NOOOOO!!! I smote her!!! WWWAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
Souppy: Don’t worry, she’s like me! No matter how many times you torch her, stab her, or smite her—
A/67: I always come back!
Souppy: SheÂ’s my auntÂ’s cousinÂ’s sisterÂ’s motherÂ’s nieceÂ’s cousinÂ’s daughterÂ’s former roomateÂ’s pet dog on my motherÂ’s side. Or, you could say sheÂ’s my cousin.
[Curse you!!!]
A/67: ItÂ’s impossible.
Souppy: Oh, dudeÂ… I just remembered I have a major in therapy. [Souppy puts on the glasses and mustache gag.] How can I help you, miss?
A/67: IÂ’m attracted to elves. Can you recommend a therapy?
Souppy: YesÂ… Climb the two peaks of Mount Everest.
A/67: ThereÂ’s only one peak.
Souppy: There is? [Souppy pulls out a map and covers one eye.] So there isÂ… thatÂ’ll save a bit of timeÂ… Or, you could always help with the expedition to find last yearÂ’s expedition.
A/67: Last yearÂ’s expedition?
Souppy: Yes. An expedition to build a bridge between the two peaksÂ… my idea IÂ’m afraid. [Eric Idle walks in.]
Eric: Can these lousy fan girls stop imitating Monty Python skits??
A/67: No. [Eric Idle leaves.] LetÂ’s do another!
Souppy: Okay! [Souppy takes of the gag and slumps Merry over her shoulder. A/67 pushes a wheelbarrow on stage.]
A/67: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! [Souppy walks on stage.]
Souppy: HereÂ’s one.
A/67: Nine-pence.
Merry: IÂ’m not dead!
A/67: What?
Souppy: Nothing, hereÂ’s your nine-pence.
Merry: IÂ’m not dead!
A/67: Here, he says heÂ’s not dead!
Souppy: Yes he is.
Merry: IÂ’m not!
A/67: He isnÂ’t?
Souppy: Well, heÂ’ll soon be, heÂ’s very ill.
Merry: IÂ’m getting better!
Souppy: No youÂ’re not, youÂ’ll be stone dead in a moment.
A/67: I canÂ’t take him like that! ItÂ’s against regulations!
Merry: I donÂ’t want to go on the cart!
Souppy: Oh, donÂ’t be such a baby!
A/67: I canÂ’t take him.
Merry: I feel fine!
Souppy: Oh, do us all a favor.
A/67: I canÂ’t.
Souppy: Could you hang around a few minutes, he wonÂ’t be very long.
A/67: No, I have to go to the Robinsons, theyÂ’ve lost nine today!
Souppy: Well, whenÂ’s your next round?
A/67: Thursday.
Merry: I think IÂ’ll go for a walk!
Souppy: YouÂ’re not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isnÂ’t there something you could do?
Merry: I feel happy! I feel happy! [A/67 wacks him on the head.] Ooof! [Souppy dumps Merry in the wheelbarrow.]
Souppy: Ah, thanks very much.
A/67: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Souppy: Right, all right. [Merry climbs out of the wheelbarrow.]
Merry: Did you have to wack me that hard?
Souppy: Yes!
[UmmmÂ… ThatÂ’s it for now! See you next week!]
Next Week (or month, or year): The Gang does the Bicycle Repairman skit with the help of shingsparkle, Denethor gets beat up, and Celeborn “pushes” his own wife in a game of Marry, Kiss, Push of a Cliff!
