Day One: After the Wedding

I am tired. It has been a hectic week, especially after a wedding including a few thousand of Faramir’s soldiers, family members, and the occasional orc…I was a little disappointed when Faramir invited his father, especially after he started to pour gasoline on himself and other guests before Gandalf hit him over the head. (I did wonder how he survived that mortally wounding fall, however) I really didn’t want to invite King Aragorn, mainly because he brought that snooty Arwen who wore a wicked smile the entire wedding. I really hate that smelly elf.

Day Two: Honeymooning in Lothlorien

We are staying in a lovely tree-top room in Lothlorien. Faramir continues to nap, will that man ever stop sleeping? I especially distrust that Galadrial, who makes buff elves laugh without moving her lips. What happened to that woman’s husband, I wonder? Maybe he’s taking a very long nap…like my poor sleepy husband Faramir, who sleeps sucking his thumb…

Day Three: The Honeymoon from Hell Continues…

Have had an interesting time here in the elves’ dwelling. Legolas came to visit, but I mistook him for a Girl Scout and told him I refused to buy his fattening cookies. I was so ashamed to learn that it was no little girl, but Legolas in his new green outfit!

Day Four: My New Home

After what felt like forever, we finally returned to Faramir’s kingdom. He tried to carry me through the door like a good husband, but he fell asleep during the process and we both came crashing down. I never knew I had married such a sleepy fellow…On the brighter side, I received a nice note from Merry from the Shire. It read; “Roses are red, violets are blue. I like second breakfast, just like I love you!” I should have never encouraged Merry to fight, it did something to his sanity… he thinks he is some sort of war hero all the ladies love, the poor thing.

Day Five: The Soup Accident

I decided to be a good wife and cook dinner for my husband and a few of his visiting guests. I made my special Rohan soup; made out of rare and secret ingredients. The ingredients include orc boogers, Saruman’s toenail clippings, hobbit foot hair, rotten milk, moldy elven bread, and black jelly beans for color. To my horror, the guests at the dinner table dropped dead! Luckily, Faramir fell asleep in his soup before he could die. I was so embarrassed! (Aragorn never complained about my soup!)

Day Six: Arwen Comes to Visit

I have never been so humiliated! King Aragorn and that evil Arwen came to visit today. While Aragorn and Faramir discussed their recent dreams, Arwen and I got into a terrible cat-fight. First, she insulted my soup…then I called her the daughter of a wide-mouthed rockstar…then she said I was a Tomboy with no taste in fashion. We ended up fighting like a couple of cats when Aragorn had to break us up. Luckily, I gave Arwen a big fat black eye! A victory for all of Rohan!

Day Seven: Memo to Myself

Had to go to the market today and do some shopping. I bought some more waxing cream for the troublesome little moustache I have. (It comes from my father’s side of the family) There was an adorable ring I wanted from Sauron’s Collectibles Inc., but the price tag said it required giving my soul in return. That store can be so expensive sometimes! I decided not to go into sword department, last time I was there someone confused me for a man because of my little moustache! I whipped out a sword and accidentally killed him while shouting, “I am no man!” Whoops!

Day Eight: Faramir’s Dad is Psycho

I walked in on my father-in-law lighting a huge bonfire with Faramir in the middle of the woodpile. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, I am told. And since Faramir has a knack for sleeping in awkward moments, he didn’t even stir just as the fire was being lit! Luckily, I was there to save him from his pyromaniac father. Later on at dinner time, my father-in-law forced me to dance on one foot while singing, “I don’t wanna be a chicken, I don’t wanna be a duck, so I shake my butt!” I wonder if he forces everyone to sing for him?

Day Nine: Faramir Himself is Psycho

I love my husband, but I have to admit that being married to a man who sleeps like a cat is not as exciting as lopping of orc heads. I bet Arwen never sits around doing nothing…

Day Ten: A Semi-Happy Ending

I suppose everything is not lost. I may not be married to the star of Lord of the Rings, but I sure got a dreamy fellow. I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if I had married Aragorn…He could probably have my little moustache removed permanently, and maybe I could even buy some makeup for a change! A girl can dream…can’t she?