Contestants

Legolas (Legsie)
Eowyn
Aragorn (Ary)
Faramir
Sam
Frodo (Fro)
Merry
Pippin (Pip)
Gimli
Gollum
Gandalf
Saruman
Figwit (Fig or Figgy)

Day 1 (Tuesday)

LEGOLAS: Wow, nice place.

[The other contestants walk into the large house and agree with Legolas.]

BIG BROTHER: Welcome to the Big Brother house. There are 2 bedrooms, 2 showers, and 12 beds.
ARAGORN: 12 but there are 14 of us.
BB: I know. You can choose your beds but we have chosen your rooms. Room 1: Legolas, Eowyn, Sam, Faramir, and Figwit. Room 2: Aragorn, Frodo, Gimli, Merry, Gollum, Saruman, and Gandalf. Settle in.
EOWYN: 12 beds, that means 2 people 1 in a room are going to have to share.
GOLLUM: Thanksss Caption Obviousss.

[Eowyn gives Gollum the death stare.]

LEGOLAS: Eowyn be nice.
[Eowyn gives Legolas the ‘I know where you sleep’ look.]

EOWYN: Let’s go get situated then eat dinner.

[All of them agree with Eowyn and go to find beds. In each room there are 5 twin sized beds and one king sized.]

Room 1

[Everyone is settled except Legolas and Eowyn. They were stuck with the king sized bed.]

EOWYN: No! I won’t have it!
LEGOLAS: Yeah well I’m not to thrilled either.
EOWYN: Screw You!
LEGOLAS: Bite Me!

[Faramir quickly pipes up to stop any term oil from happening.]

FARAMIR: Legolas I’ll trade you. Eowyn you and I can switch every night.
LEGOLAS & EOWYN: Ok.

[Legolas and Faramir switch beds.]

Room 2

[The contestants get situated.]

BB: All contestants to the Living Room.

[They all go.]

BB: Wednesday is challenge day. Shopping day is Thursday. *The intercom crackles off then back on* Oh yeah the hot water to the showers gets turned off at 9:46.

[The contestants mill around and talk with each other. Eowyn takes over cooking supper.]

EOWYN: Come on you wankers time to eat!
ARAGORN: Wankers? Where did you pick that one up?
EOWYN: While riding.
MERRY: Do you ride often?
EOWYN: Yeah.
SAM: Oh, I call for a house meeting after dinner.
LEGOLAS: Already? Surly we aren’t that annoying.
ARAGORN: Legsie.
LEGOLAS: Joking.

[They sit down and begin to serve themselves. Soon after the dishes are cleaned the house meeting assembles in the living room.]

EOWYN: I think we should set some house rules.

[Everyone nods in agreement.]

EOWYN: Anyone want to voice one first?
FIGWIT: I will. Rule 1: We clean the house everyday before bed.

[They nod in agreement.]

LEGOLAS: As there are only two showers Rule 2 is thus: If we are forced to shower together, Valar knows we will, make sure that the person is comfortable with this.
EOWYN: Good call Legolas. Rule 3: Someone different does the cooking every night.
ARAGORN: Everyone does his or her own laundry.
BB: Rule 5, everyone spends at least 5 minutes in the diary room. Oh and remember everywhere you go the cameras are watching.

[Everyone shudders at the thought.]

PIPPIN: Was that supposed to be as creepy as it sounded?
FARAMIR: I hope not.
FRODO: Now what? I think we now each other’s personal boundaries and if we don’t we can learn. Let’s go to bed.

[They all troop off to bed. Eowyn sleeps on the floor tonight.]

Highlights Day 2 (Wednesday) Challenge day.

[Frodo and Sam are the last to rise]

FRODO: Do you know how hard it is to sleep when Gandalf sleeps with his eyes open?
SAM: Try sleeping with three elves in the room. Stone still with their eyes always open. It is like they’re watching you
GOLLUM: Yousss hass 5 minutesis to ssshower.
Frodo & Sam: Crap!
EOWYN: Come on you wankers! Time for breakfast!
FARAMIR: Whinny; will you quit calling us wankers?

[Sam and Frodo walk into the dinning room/kitchen looking like drowned rats. Eowyn had to duck towards the stove to stop from laughing. When she calmed she returned to the table. Gandalf and Saruman began to bicker over the last piece of bacon. They grab their staffs and start to duel when the intercom crackles to life.]

BB: This is Big Brother. No wizard duels in the kitchen or anywhere else for that matter.

[They stop before their staffs get taken away. Legolas clears the table of the less than half of the tuna helper Aragorn made. No one but Aragorn ate it. This was because well…it was expanding by itself on their plates.]

EOWYN: Was it supposed to do that?
LEGOLAS: Only when made by Aragorn.

[Legolas smirked at Aragorn. Aragorn gave him a ‘dis me again and die’ look. From in the other room they heard Sam scream.]

ARAGORN: What the bloody hell is going on?!?
Sam: HE TOUCHED ME!

[Legolas, with a rolled up news paper, smacks Gollum on the hand.]

LEGOLAS: Bad Gollum. Sit now behave.
EOWYN: Don’t treat him like a dog Legsie.
LEGOLAS: Fine you take care of him.
[Eowyn smiled at Gollum]

EOWYN: On second though you can do it.

[Legolas took Gollum away to TRY and tame him. Only to end up with a headache and bite marks up and down his arms. His cursing could be heard through the house along with Gollum’s ‘No wess be nice to Elfsis.’]

BB: Guess what it is Wednesday and Challenge day. Will all contestants go to the back yard?

[They all go]

PIPPIN: Where is Eowyn?

[Legolas points at her. She is suspended in the air about a human pyramid high. Eowyn was bound and gagged.]

BB: To win the challenge you have to save them in an hour.
LEGOLAS: She’s about a human pyramid off the ground. The strongest on bottom a hobbit on top.
ARAGORN: No. On the bottom it will be Faramir, Figwit, Saruman and I. Then Merry, Sam, and Fro. Then the next two will be Pip and Gimli. You will go on top.
LEGOLAS: Why me. I could bring the whole thing down.
ARAGORN: The only one more agile than you is Gollum. The only one lighter than you is well no one you and Fig weigh bout the same. So climb.

[Aragorn got on his knees. Sam, Faramir and Figwit got on their knees beside him. The other three hobbits carefully got on their backs and then the last two. Legolas, who didn’t really want to climb on his friends, quickly got to the top. He got Eowyn down. As he brought her off the hook holding her Sam’s arms gave out causing them to crash to the ground.]

BB: This is Big Brother you have passed.
LEGOLAS: Let’s get them inside so we can untie them.

[He picks Eowyn up and carries her inside.]

EOWYN: Oh, yeah.

[She pulls out a white pouch. The she takes a silk silver cloth out; inside it is the key to the only locked door in the house. Inside the room is a large Jacuzzi.]

FARAMIR: Let’s try it out.

[They get their swimsuits on. Figwit slinks off to the diary room.]

FIGWIT: I want to leave.
BB: So leave no one is stopping you.
FIGWIT: I know but I don’t want to give up like a sissy.
BB: So don’t.
FIGWIT: You’re no help.

[He stalks off to take refuge in his room.]

MERRY: Fig is unsocial.
SAM: He has every right not to join us, or to join us.
EOWYN: Let’s play a game. First to come up loses.
SAM, FRODO, MERRY, & PIPPIN: We’ll sit this one out.

[The others go under. Aragorn is fighting to stay under, Faramir has already started to float to the top, and Legolas looks like he is about to spring. 30 seconds in he springs from the water. He doesn’t mind being in or on top of water but he doesn’t fancy going under. Faramir comes up a few seconds later. Aragorn gives up the struggle and comes up after a minute in. Eowyn stays down longer.]

FARAMIR: Is she alright?
ARAGORN: I don’t know.
LEGOLAS: I’ll check.

[He submerges and taps her shoulder. That was the signal for her to come up.]

LEGOLAS: You scared us for a second there Eowyn.

[He looks at the clock. After getting dry and dressed he starts cooking. The others do the dry and dress routine. Eowyn starts to fidget after a few minutes.]

Frodo: Are you ok Whin?
EOWYN: I am fine! Why does everyone ask me that?

[She and the others walk in. The others are weary to keep off any ‘sensitive’ topics.]

ARAGORN: Feeling better?
EOWYN: Much Better.
MERRY: What was wrong anyway?

[Merry glances around the table but quickly drops the topic by a warning glare from Legolas.]

EOWYN: Want to play a game?

[They all murmur yes.]

EOWYN: Ok. The game is to show off your most awkward or unique talents.
FRODO: I’ll go first. Now this isn’t awkward or unique but: Backwards talk can I.
EOWYN: Cool a backwards-talking hobbit.
ARAGORN: I can roll my eyes so the color doesn’t show. ([He does so then rolls his eyes to normal.)
EOWYN: Creepy.

[They have gone through the others and now it is Legolas’ turn.]

LEGOLAS: Can you get 4 cups?
EOWYN: Not this one. Please Legolas the last time you tried this you nearly broke a glass older than all of us put together.
LEGOLAS: Oh lighten up. I am much better at this now.
EOWYN: Oh Valar, someone get a broom.

[Legolas begins to juggle the glasses. Soon he stands on one foot and closes his eyes. Still the glasses do not fall.]

PIPPIN: What about you Eowyn?
EOWYN: Alright fill a glass with water.

[Pippin gets one of the glasses from Legolas, and fills it with water. Eowyn does a graceful backbend, balances the glass on her foot, brings the water to her mouth and drinks it without spilling a drop. The hobbits look surprised. It now near mid-night so they went to sleep. Sam goes to sleep last in the first room. He rolls onto his side but cannot sleep like that because Figwit is asleep with his eyes open. He rolls to his other side. This doesn’t help for Legolas sleeps to that side. The moon and stars reflect in his glassy eyes. He gets up and sleeps on the couch.]

Highlights Day 3 (Thursday)

[After showers are taken, breakfast made and eaten, and the dishes done Eowyn walks into the kitchen for a soda. Her scream is heard in another room.]

EOWYN: Someone help me! The tuna helper is trying to eat me!

[Aragorn and Legolas run in to see Eowyn in front of the fridge trying to fend off the tuna helper with a spatula. One of her wristbands has been taken. Legolas takes a wooden spoon and starts to fend off the tuna helper. Aragorn grabs the trash can lid and butter knife and fends off the helper. It grabbed the full bar of soap he was taking to the bathroom so he would have it for his shower the next morning. The tuna helper grabs Legolas’ belt and pulls it off. Legolas drops his spoon to catch his tights. He takes a holder from one of his braids and ties it around a small bunch of his tights so they stay up. He rejoins the battle. Gollum tries to help but the helper tries to eat him. Aragorn and Legolas try and pull him away and Frodo runs to the Diary Room.]

BB: Getting your 5 done early Frodo.
FRODO: Not really. We have a problem.
BB: Ok what is it?
FRODO: The tuna helper is alive! It took Eowyn’s wristbands, Aragorn’s soap, and Legolas’ belt! Then it tried to eat Gollum!
BB: Ok stay calm we are sending in the retrieval team.

[Finally the retrieval team arrives. They turn out to be Elrond’s twin sons: Elrohir and Elladan. They force the tuna helper to give up the stolen items then take it away. Legolas puts his belt back on and goes to the mirror in the bathroom to re braid his hair. Eowyn goes to rest and Aragorn is called to the Diary Room.]

BB: Aragorn to the Diary Room.

[Aragorn goes and he thinks he knows what is going to happen.]

BB: Aragorn I am henceforth banning you from cooking.
ARAGORN: Ok I don’t mind.

[Aragorn leaves the diary room. Out of the first bedroom he hears someone belting out a song.]

FROM IN THE BEDROOM:
I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more
(So much more)
I lay dying
And I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

My God, my Tourniquet
Return to me Salvation
My God, my Tourniquet
Return to me Salvation

Do you remember me,
Lost for so long?
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me?
I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

My God, my Tourniquet
Return to me Salvation
My God, my Tourniquet
Return to me Salvation
(Return to me Salvation)
(ooooh)
(I want to die!)

My God, my Tourniquet
Return to me Salvation
My God, my Tourniquet
Return to me Salvation

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for Deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ
(Christ)
Tourniquet
My Suicide

(Return to us Salvation)
(Return to us Salvation)

[Aragorn enters the room and sees Eowyn with a brush in her hand, back turned to the door, and the radio playing Evanescence Tourniquet. He chuckles and leaves her be.]

ARAGORN: Hey Legolas. You know Eowyn is really a good singer. LEGOLAS: Yeah she is a pretty good singer at any song.
ARAGORN: Well yeah that is true. Guess what she just sang.
LEGOLAS: What?
ARAGORN: Tourniquet. She is really good at it.
LEGOLAS: You should hear some of the other stuff she has sung before. She can dance really well too.
FARAMIR: Is there any reason really why Whin is singing Haunted?
LEGOLAS: No.

Highlights Day 4 (Friday)

[Showers have been taken, breakfast had, and the dishes done. Now everyone is loafing around. Legolas is sitting on the couch and staring at the wall. Eowyn is lying with her head in Legolas’ lap and staring at the ceiling. They have been getting along better than usual. Aragorn is carving a piece of wood, Frodo is reading, Sam is making a floor plan for a garden, Faramir is drawing, and Merry is softly talking to Pippin. Figwit and Gimli are somewhere in the house but Gollum is nowhere to be found. A loud thump is heard in the bedroom. Aragorn and Faramir get up to investigate. Legolas looks about curiously.]

FARAMIR: Coming with us?
LEGOLAS: Can’t.

[He nods downwards. He can’t go with them because he is being a pillow for Eowyn, who is sound asleep. They leave and heard from the room is: “Gollum stop throwing things! You’ll wake Eowyn!” The noise ceases. They come back and Gollum is with them.]

LEGOLAS: Could someone sit here for a moment? I need to go to the bathroom.
GOLLUM: Wess be pretty humanss pillow sos Elfsis goes to the bathroom. Yes Precious.
ARAGORN: I’ll do it.

[He and Legolas switch places.]

PIPPIN: (comforting Gollum) It’s okay Gollum. Neither of them knows you very well yet.
GOLLUM: Sméagol wouldn’t hurt pretty human. Wess be carefuls we promise.
FRODO: It would be a hazard if she woke up with someone she didn’t know very well cradling her.

[Gollum pouts and Legolas returns from the bathroom. About ten minutes after Aragorn and Legolas switch places Eowyn wakes up.]

LEGOLAS: (smiling) Have a good sleep?
EOWYN: What time is it?
FARAMIR: Nearly lunch time.
FRODO: I’ll make it.

[At about 3 they’re all bored again.]

ARAGORN: How about a drinking contest? Pip you can drink fruit punch.
SARUMAN: I’ll hand them out.
EOWYN: I’ll help the drunks to bed and the bathroom. Rules: No spitting it out, and no vomiting. Ready?

[Saruman hands out 9 beers and 1 fruit punch. Pippin gives up. As the others are on their second one he is on his first.]

EOWYN: It’s ok Pip. You can help me.

[Frodo passes out on his fourth. Sam vomits, Merry has it come out his nose then he vomits. Figwit feels sick and stops. It is now between Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Faramir. Gandalf swoons and then stops. Faramir spits out his 11th. Gimli sees that Legolas will win and stops before he embarrasses himself. Saruman is forced to stop the remaining two at a tie before they get so plastered that they can’t do squat. Most of the others sleep until 8 pm. Legolas and Aragorn are very pale. They run to different rooms and lose 14 beers and each, one vodka. Legolas is vomiting in the kitchen sink when Aragorn, cured of his drunkenness walks in. He takes pity on Legolas and holds his hair out of the way.]

Highlights Day 5 (Saturday) Nominations

EOWYN: I wish this hadn’t come so early. Well I guess I’ll nominate Figwit for 2 points. He is really unsocial and lazy. For 1 point I nominate Gollum. I may have been asleep but I still heard him. Frankly I don’t know weather I should be flattered or creeped out.
FRODO: I nominate Pippin for 1 point. He is too young for this and I have a feeling it is about to get dirty in more ways than one. For 2 points I say… Figwit. He doesn’t like it here I can tell.
SAM: For 2 points I say Figwit. He doesn’t want to be here. For 1: Legolas. He is just…just…to well.
PIPPIN: I am giving Gandalf 2 points because he is lazy and no fun. For 1: Legolas. He is too good. I think he is a fake.
MERRY: Legsie has got to go. 2 points. He gets all the attention. For 1 I nominate Gollum. He scares me.
GANDALF: Pippin for 1. He is a bit too young for the game. Oh and 2 for my enemy Saruman.
SARUMAN: Gimli for 1. He is to quiet and out of the way. I give 2 points to Frodo. I don’t know why but I fear for his mental health here.
GIMLI: Legolas for 2. He is my friend and all but I want the compotation gone. Oh and 1 for the Rohirric chick. Don’t like her.
FIGWIT: Legolas for 2 points. If he is gone I can really get to show my stuff. Oh and one for Gimli. He doesn’t want to be here.
LEGOLAS: 2 for Figwit. He doesn’t want to be here. It goes for Gimli too so he gets 1.
ARAGORN: Eowyn has got to go. 1 point. I vote Faramir for 2 points.
FARAMIR: Aragorn for 2 he is too…uptight. If he is gone I will have more room to breath. I am giving Legolas 1. He is to close with Aragorn. If he leaves Legolas will be in the slums.
EOWYN: Gollum has got to go. 1 point. Figwit gets 2.
GOLLUM: We vote the ugly elf prince for 2 and the dwarf for 1.

[A few hours later the intercom crackles to life.]

BB: This is Big Brother. The nominees are Figwit, Legolas, and Gimli.

[Figwit and Gimli seem to be taking this well. Legolas goes and does the dishes. After that he vacuums. At ten he has done everything but dusted. He does that to.]

ARAGORN: Legsie, stop. You’ve cleaned the entire house. And my arm is piney fresh now, thanks.
LEGOLAS: (realizes that he has been vigorously scrubbing Aragorn’s arm instead of the end table.) Sorry.
EOWYN: What is wrong anyway?
LEGOLAS: I clean when I get nervous.
ARAGORN: No wonder your house is always so clean.
EOWYN: Legsie. You’ll still be here tomorrow. I am sure of it. We all love you and so do the viewers. (She takes the cleaning supplies and locks it away.)
LEGOLAS: You’re sure?
SAM: It won’t be you tomorrow.

[He fidgets for another half an hour. They all go to bed.]

Day 6 (Sunday) Eviction 1

[Eowyn sleeps until 11 the next day. A few minutes after she gets up the intercom comes on.]

BB: This is Big Brother.
EOWYN: Tell us something we don’t know.
BB: Watch it Eowyn. Anyway say goodbye to…Figwit of Rivendell!

[They say their good byes and Figwit leaves. Eowyn has a cup of coffee.]

EOWYN: I am going to have a cold shower.

[She goes to get her clothes, a towel, and then has her shower.]

HIGHLIGHTS DAY 7 (MONDAY)

LEGOLAS: Let’s play Twister.
EOWYN: Ok. Everyone have socks? (Murmurs of yes) Who will be the spinner?
SAM: I will.
FRODO: I will get the game.

[He gets the game and gives the spinner to Sam. Everyone gets extremely twisted.]

ARAGORN: Faramir. If you move your leg you shall fall on me… so do try not to move it.
SAM: Legolas- right hand blue.

[He has to reach under a very twisted Eowyn to reach the color.]

LEGOLAS: If you plan on falling, let me move first, or you’ll fall flat on top of me.
EOWYN: I will try to let you know.
SAM: Pippin- Left foot green.
PIPPIN: That is all the way on the other side of the board I’ll fall.

[As he moves off the board he bumps into Frodo who is twisted with Merry. Merry is tangled with Faramir. Faramir falls flat, this causes Aragorn to sway and fall. Gimli jumped out of the way but his leg pulled the one Eowyn was balancing on mainly, from under her. This causes her to fall on top of Legolas.]

LEGOLAS: Could you please get off me?
EOWYN: Yeah. (She rolls off him.) What time is it?
SAM: 6.
PIPPIN: At night?
MERRY: No in the morning. Yes at night you twit.
ARAGORN: Be nice.
FARAMIR: Now what?
FRODO: Truth, or dare?
EVERYONE: Ok
FRODO: I’ll go first. Pip?
PIPPIN: Truth.
FRODO: Do you still sleep with a night-light?
PIPPIN: Yes, sometimes and I am not ashamed of it. Legsie?
LEGOLAS: Dare.
PIPPIN: You have to play the rest of the game in your boxers.
LEGOLAS: Ok. (He strips down to his boxers and sits back down) Sam?
SAM: Truth.
LEGOLAS: Are you gay?
SAM: No, I’m not. Gimli?
GIMLI: Dare.
SAM: Umm… I dare you to drink a glass of toilet water.
GIMLI: Get the glass. (He gulps it down.) Faramir?
FARAMIR: Dare.
GIMLI: You must French kiss Eowyn.

[Soon they get bored and end the game. They go to bed. Faramir sleeps in Figwit’s old bed. Eowyn sleeps restlessly. Every one but Eowyn sleeps late.]

HIGHLIGHTS DAY 8 (TUESDAY) NOMITATIONS

[Around 3 every one is fully awake, except Legolas. EOWYN goes into the bedroom. She shakes him roughly and tells him to get up.]

BB: It is Tuesday. Eowyn to the Diary Room.
FRODO: I nominate Gollum for 1 point. Ever since a few days ago he has started to creep me out. 2 points for Eowyn. I know that you haven’t probably seen it but I think she is flirting with me.
SAM: For 2 points I say Gimli. I don’t think he wants to be here. For 1: Umm…Pippin. He is too young.
PIPPIN: I am giving Gandalf 2 points because he is still lazy and no fun. For 1: Gollum. He is starting to get distant from us and well he is kind of scary.
MERRY: For 2 I vote Aragorn. He needs to see the open roads again and Arwen. For 1 I nominate Gollum. He still scares me.
GANDALF: Merry for 1. He is annoying. Oh and 2 for Sam. He needs to give Frodo some room to breath.
SARUMAN: Gollum for 1. He is a kindish hobbit thing but needs to go back to the cave he came from. I give 1 point to yet again Frodo. I still don’t know why but I still fear for his mental health here.
GIMLI: EOWYN for 2. I still don’t like her. Oh and 1 for Aragorn. He is too pushy.
LEGOLAS: 2 for Gimli. He has been giving me weird looks. And yesterday he tried to give me a hug. I thought I had made it clear that I was uncomfortable because of our height differences. I say 1 point for Arry. He misses Arwen.
ARAGORN: Gimli has got to go. 1 point. He tried to give Legolas a hug. He should know Legolas is uncomfortable. I think Eowyn should have 2 points. She is a bit odd.
FARAMIR: Aragorn for 1 he is well… ok I will say it. Weird. Ok I give two to that devil (Gollum).
EOWYN: Aragorn told me that he has seen the looks Gimli gave Legsie so Legsie gets 1. Gollum gets 2 he is creepy.
GOLLUM: We vote the master out. He gets one points. We also votes the elfsis prince out again he still won’t let Gollum get close to the pretty human.

[A few hours later]

BB: This is Big Brother this weeks nominees are…Gimli, Gollum, and Aragorn.