Cops
Disclaimer: To make this short, the only characters who are not mine are the ones residing in Middle Earth. This is not a weight loss program. No guarantees. Individual results may vary.

Let’s join Officer Ned on the NYPD team as he follows a domestic abuse call.
Ned: *knock* Hello… is anyone… oh. *looks at camera* There seems to be somebody home. Here he is.
Resident 1: Officer! Hi…
Ned: I just received a report on a possible domestic violence situation. Now, if I could come inside and ask you some questions…
*another resident comes in with big, blue, watery eyes*
Resident 2: Don’t lie to him, Sam! *sobbing* It will only make it worse!
Ned: Are you roommates or family relations?
Resident 2: He’s my gardener, Samwise Gamgee. I am Frodo Baggins.
Ned: Mojo?
Frodo: No… Frodo.
Ned: Son, that’s what I said. Now, I understand that someone is being hurt in some way…
*another, more emaciated resident bursts in on all fours screeching*
Resident 3: IT BURNSES! HE! *points to Sam* HURT ME PRECIOUS!
Ned: Did you call me “precious”?
Sam: Oh… that’s our stinker… Gollum.
Frodo: HIS NAME IS SMEAGOL!
Sam: I DON’T TRUST HIM MISTER FRODO! I DON’T TRUST HIM! He will take the ring!
Ned: Is that… thing… some kind of jewelry thief?
*Gollum is in corner talking to himself*
Gollum: We must kill them… we must take the precious…
Smeagol: *gurgles* No! No! They is our friendses.
Ned: Um… I think I am going to let the ASPCA handle this.
Sam: The what?
Ned: The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Frodo: NO! He is my friend! Sam! *points to Sam with accusing eyes* He called him STINKER and he twisted his rope and kicked him and beat him and called him names!
Sam: You’re going insane, Mr. Frodo.
Ned: He’s got a point there! Now just calm down… Calm… I… WHAT IS HE DOING?
Gollum: I like to eat a wriggling fish… doo-doo-doo… wriggling, wriggling… *bites whole fish in half and the carpet is stained to the point where Martha Stewart would drop dead on the spot*
*Ned looks a bit taken back*
Ned: *doesn’t take his eyes off of Gollum the whole time* I would be scared to have him in my house too… You know what… *eyes still on Gollum* I need back up. *presses button on walkie talkie and talks into it, voice wavering* Hi, uh… Bill… yeah… I need some backup on a… domestic violence case and possibly some potential jewelry theft… are you busy? Over.
Voice on other end: Yes, I am dealing with some young boys who have possession of marijuana. They say it’s called Old… Toby? Over.
Ned: Old… what?!!
Voice: Some new street name… They say their names are Mary and Pimpin’ but I think they are just playing me. Call Casey! Over.
Ned: *Sighs* It’s going to be a long night.

*commercial break*
Don’t turn it! Next, the update on the domestic violence case and Officer Bill deals with some boys who deny they are in possession of the drug they offered to the officer. Um… yeah… and Officer Casey deals with some illegal fireworks. These people may give the officers a hard time but there will be no giving up!! Until they face some drunk fights between two immortal residents of the forest and the pursuit of some tall fellow in black.
PLEASE REVIEW SO I KNOW IF THIS IS NOT AN ABSOLUTE WASTE OF MY TIME! should I write more?

Print Friendly, PDF & Email