Authors notes and disclaimer

Yeah, yeah I know no one ever reads these but I have a few announcements to make. Firstly all the guys in this are Tolkien’s and the original song belongs to John Denver- although I’ve only used the chorus- , however the parody is mine, as is the orc I’ve called ‘Mothball’. I guess Tolkien gets Orc1.

Secondly this is a very weird fic. It begins perfectly believable but quickly spirals off into the unknown realm of the plot bunnies so please do not take it too seriously and be prepared to join in with the song.

Now everybody, deep breathes, tune your voices. One, two, three…

“You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet there’s no knowing where you’ll be swept off to.”

The Fellowship of the Ring is heading south, having left the safety of Rivendell only a few days ago. Despite the rather extreme differences in their culture and mannerisms, they all seem to be getting along rather well, apart from Gimli who is refusing to look at Legolas because the elf is so much taller than he is. Frodo, who’s not really that sure where they’re going, has left the navigation to Gandalf and, seeing Sam has dropped behind, lets the others pass so he can walk next to him.

Frodo: Are you alright back here, Sam? You look a little worn out.

Sam: (puffs) Well yes and no, Mister Frodo. I can go on for quite a bit longer but Bill here isn’t too keen on going uphill just yet and I’m sure I’m pulling him half the way myself.

Frodo: (chuckles) I’m sure he’ll get used to it soon. Though I must admit, it’s more tiring than I expected. I know I went on all those long walks before we left the Shire but this isn’t exactly the same as the country roads we get back home, is it?

Sam shakes his head and they walk on in silence for a bit. Suddenly Frodo realises that Sam is humming to himself as they walk

Sam: (sings quietly) Country roads, take me home. To the place
where I belong…

Frodo grins and joins in

Frodo: (sings) West of Gondor, north of Rohan. Take me home country roads.

They sing it through a few more times. Merry and Pippin, who are walking a little further ahead with Boromir, are listening closely. By the fourth round they are grinning madly at each other and begin yodelling along at the tops of their voices.

Merry & Pippin: Take me hooOOOOOOOOOOOMMME country ROOOOOOOOOAAAAADDS! To the plaaaace where I belooOOOOOOOONGG!!! West of GondOOOOOOOORR!!! North of RohAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!! Take me HOOOME!!! Country rooOOOOOOADS!!!

Further forward in the line Gimli begins to chuckle to himself and hums along. Legolas gives him an incredulous glance that clearly says “I had heard dwarves were mad but you are clearly suffering from lack of air, probably due to your beard.” Furious that the elf is impugning his honour and his facial hair, Gimli begins to loudly sing the bass line.

Gimli: Rom pom pom pom, rom pom pom pom, rom pom pom, country roooaaaads. Rom pom pom pom pom…

Legolas shrugs callously and begins to whistle the tune in time with the hobbits, sounding rather like a cross between and very pretty bird and a tin whistle. Boromir decides to join in the fun and begins to use his shield as percussion, although strangely enough he declines to sing. We now have a small orchestra going here, what with Gimli’s tuba impressions and all.

The Fellowship: Country rooooaaaads, take me hooooome To the plaaaaace where I beloooooong!!

(Gimli: Pom pom pom pom)

West of Gondor, north of Rohan
Take me home country roads.

La la la (Merry & Pippin: Hey hey!)
La la la (Hey hey)

La la la (Hey hey)

Astonishingly, Gandalf joins in the final La’s with an amazing opera-style tenor voice that would knock Pavarotti off his podium. The rest of the Fellowship can only stop and stare.

Gandalf: LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

He holds the note amazingly. Then again he is a wizard.

Gandalf: WEST OF GONDOR, NORTH OF ROHAAAAN, TAKE ME HOME COUNTRY ROOOOOOOOOAAAAADDS!

The hobbits burst into spontaneous applause and Gimli mouth drops open so far you can actually see it through the hair. Aragorn, who hasn’t taken any part in the sing-along so far, gives Gandalf the kind of reproving look a son gives his elderly father after he has attempted to slide down the banisters in his wheelchair. Gandalf looks at him and grins mischievously.

Gandalf: Oh shut up Aragorn, I’m having fun!

And the song continues. Several hills away two of Saruman’s orcs are guarding the road. Orc 1 pricks up his mangled ears as the karaoke comes wafting towards them. He is sure he recognises the tune but he cant quite put his finger on it so he turns to Orc 2.

Orc 1: Oy, Mothballs, what do you suppose that is?

Mothballs grins stupidly, showing the few rotten teeth he has left. He is tapping his spear-butt in time to the music and is sure he is doing something terribly clever.

Orc 1: Oy!! What do you s’pose that funny noise is?

Mothballs: Dunno (he grins). Kinda catchy though, don’t you think?

Orc 1 gives him a withering look and he falls silent. They stand there quietly for a few more minutes before Orc 1 realises that his companion is humming.

Mothballs: (quietly) country roooads, take me home…

Not long afterwards Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli are standing together on the Deeping Wall, watching the forces of Isengard take their positions. Then the evil mob begins to chant their terrifying war cry, aiming to strike fear into the hearts of their enemies. A little confused, Gimli turns to Legolas.

Gimli: You know, that tune sounds awfully familiar. I’m sure I’ve heard it somewhere before.

Legolas glances at him and raises a questioning eyebrow.

Gimli: You cant be serious …… NO!

Everybody loves a good sing-along!