NOTE:This was when Boromir and Faramir were just little kids, right after their mother died and Denethor started… cracking.

“Boromir!!!”

“What?”

“GET OVER HERE!”

Boromir strolled into the tower of Ecthelion. He noticed Denethor’s pet parrot, Mr. Feather Brain (who seemed to be mute) a bunch of mice running around and his father…

“Um… Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you wearing a chicken costume?”

“It helps me think. Now, what’s your report?”

“Report?”

“Your you-know-what!”

“Oh! That… Um, well…”

“What?”

“I kind of got distracted.”

“DISTRACTED??”

“Well, the TV was on and they were running reruns of Popeye!”

“POPEYE?? That’s the most stupid show in the world!!”

“No it’s not,” Boromir bravely defended. “I like it.”

Denethor rolled his eyes. “Never mind. I have a plan that will make sure that Faramir is out of our lives – FOREVER!!!MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!”

“Out of your life you mean.”

“EXACTLY!”

“Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Have you wondered about the possibility of you ever being a bit… senile?”

Denethor tapped his chin. “Funny…that’s what my doctor told me. He also advised me to stay away from anything related to fire. But fire is soooooooo pretty…” He stared maniacally at the candle in front of him and reached out his hand…

Boromir, anxious to prevent his dad from any harm, quickly did the only thing he could. He slapped his dad’s hand.

“OOOOWWWWWWIIIIEEEE!” Denethor glared at him. “I, Denethor, am son of Ecthelion, Lord of the City, and Steward of Gondor. You would dare strike me??”

“Yes because you were about to burn yourself.”

“Oh. Well, thank you, Bori. Did I ever tell you that I’ve always been interested in fire? In fact, I am head of my Pyromaniacs Club of Gondor: The PCG.”

“How about the Perfectly Crazy Weirdos?” muttered Boromir.

“What?”

“I said… The Perfectly Courageous… Pyromaniacs.”

“Of course we are very brave!!! Now, Plan A to destroy Faramir. We will surprise him, tie him up, and burn him on a PYRE!!!!! MUAHAHA!!!”

“Dad, that’ll never work.”

“Why?”

“Because it’ll look bad if you burn him. The people might revolt.”

“BUT I WANT TO GET RID OF HIM!”

“Then foster him out to Dol Amroth or something.”

“NO! I have to kill him! Oh, I know! Plan B. Hee, hee, hee, hee!”

“Hey, that rhymes.”

“I KNOW! I’M A POET AND I DON’T KNOW IT! Oh, wait… yes I do.”

Boromir rubbed his forehead and sighed.

**************************************

Faramir happily skipped down the street.

“Go on, go on, and walk right under the giant 500lb boulder that I have so cleverly placed for you!” Denethor muttered excitedly from the high wall on which the boulder was perched.

Faramir stopped right under the boulder. Denethor quickly pushed the boulder. It fell…

Faramir quickly stepped back and the boulder crashed down in front of him, causing no bodily harm. He resumed his happy skipping.

“NOO!!!” Denethor screamed as he tipped over and landed with a thud on top of the gigantic stone.

“I told you to go foster him out.” Boromir munched on an apple and grinned while his father struggled to raise himself to a sitting position.

“It’s time for Plan C,” growled the Steward. “Right after I visit the hospital.”

*******************************************

“Alright. We’ll wait until he comes,” smirked Denethor. “When he sees the candy, he’ll come for it, slip on the Super Slick Shine I have waxed the floor with, and hopefully break his neck.”

“I still say go foster him out,” Boromir suggested.

“SHHHH!!! HERE HE COMES!!!”

Faramir bounced across the room and spotted the candy.

“Go get it! Go get it!” whispered Denethor enthusiastically from behind the large vase.

“Yuck! I hate peppermint.” Faramir jumped over the waxed section of the floor and hopped away.

“NNOOOOOO!” Denethor bellowed as he stepped out and stepped on the floor…

“AAAAAHHHHH!”

“Dad!”

CRASH!

**********************************

“It’s time… for… Plan D!” grunted the Steward as he limped out of the hospital two days later.

“Boy, that was funny! I never saw you bellydance and do the worm at the same time!” snickered Boromir.

“That was NOT funny! The doctor said I fractured my arm and my leg!”

“Well, your brain was fractured a long time ago,” muttered Boromir.

“What?”

“I said… I’m really sorry to hear that.”

“Yes. But when Plan D succeeds, it won’t matter!”

***********************************

“Some Plan D.”

“Well, when Faramir falls into the Anduin; it won’t matter. I’ll have my revenge.”

“Fari’s not that stupid enough to fall for that trick.”

“OH YES HE IS!!! SHHH!! HE’S COMING!!!!” Denethor jumped behind a tree.

“Oh, hi, Boromir!”

“Hey, Fari. Um… see that big apple over there on the other side of the river? There’s a log that’s fallen across. Can you get it for me?”

“Okay!” Faramir instantly jumped in, swam across and threw the apple to Boromir. “Here!”

“Oh, thanks!”

“NOOOOOO!” screamed Denethor stomping over to Faramir. He placed both feet on the log and…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

He had forgotten about the carefully placed slick oil on the log.

*****************************************

“Boromir! You should have forced him across the log!”

“Hey, don’t forget. If it wasn’t for him, you would have drowned.”

“I’d rather have done that then be dragged to shore by that runt!”

“The doctor says you’ll need to rest for a week. You fractured your ribs after crashing into that big rock in the middle of the river.”

“Well… It’s… Time… For… Plan F!”

“What about E?”

“I don’t like the number E!”

“Don’t you mean the letter ‘E’?”

“I KNEW THAT!!!”

“Oh.”

*******************************************

“This is Plan F?” asked a very confused Boromir. “I have to dress up as a hotdog?”

“Yes! When Faramir walks up to you, you’ll pretend to be a stranger, throw him into a sack, hand him to me and I’ll throw him off the Tower of Ecthelion!”

“Okay…”

“SHHH! HERE HE COMES!” Denethor said quickly.

“Hi, Boromir! What are you doing in a hotdog costume?”

“Uh… I have to put you in a sack and give you to Dad and he’ll throw you off the Tower of Ecthelion.”

“Oh. Well, where’s the sack?”

“Um… Hey, Dad, where’s the sack?”

“NOOOO!!!! YOU MESSED IT UP! THAT’S IT!!! FARAMIR-”

“Do you have to talk in capitals?” asked Faramir.

“No. But the point is, Faramir, I’ll be fostering you out in Dol Amroth. You’re giving me horrible headaches, fractured legs, ribs, arms and grey hair.”

“But, Daddy, you already had grey hair before even Mom died.”

“I know and you’re giving me more grey hair! GET OUT!”

“Oh… bye!” Boromir and Faramir moved toward the door.

“BOROMIR!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

“Dad, let’s get something straight here. If you’re going to go foster Fari out, I’m going too.”

“FINE! You both can stay here.” And with that, Denethor stomped away into the Tower of Ecthelion.

“AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!”

“What is that?” asked Boromir.

“I think he found the wild bees’ nest I put in there,” smiled Faramir.

“Hey, you’re a pretty good little bro.”

“Thanks. You’re a good older one too. Thanks for telling me all about Dad’s crazy plans, too.”

“No problem.”

“Excuse me.” Both brothers looked up and saw the thin, fair-haired man standing in front of them. “Is this the residence of Denethor, son of Ecthelion?”

“Yup. He’s over there.” Faramir gestured to the tower.

“Excellent.”

“Who is that?” whispered Boromir after the man had gone.

“Dad’s new psychologist.” Faramir grinned. In the distance, they could hear Denethor yelling.

“I DON’T NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES! I’M PERFECTLY SANE AND SOUND!!!”

The End