This came to me after I had read the fic Diary of a Father. My sister describes my portrayal of Arwen as “Ilsa the wicked She-mother” (from the show home Improvement). I hope you enjoy it.

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Diary of a Mother

Day One –
Writing from garden:

Words cannot express my happiness. I’m pregnant! The baby will be due in September. I desperately hope it’s a girl. Must go tell Aragorn right away!

Day Fifteen –
Writing from room:

What has that idiot human done to me? I feel as large as this stupid castle! Have written Ada and told him I am pregnant. He is very happy and says he will try to be here in time for the baby’s birth.

Day Twenty –
That prissy little Elf:

Legolas came to visit a few days ago. He was surprised Aragorn actually got me pregnant, which earned him a swift knee in the groin. Has left to regain his “manliness”.

Day Sixty Two –
Writing from throne:

Found out that Aragorn wants a boy. I told him how obviously mistaken he was and sent him stay with the dogs.

Day Eighty Nine –
Writing from throne:

Aragorn has disappeared. Was not in doghouse this morning when I went to see him and do not know where else he would be.

Oh, well. Serves him right. If he misses the baby’s birth, he will wish he was never born.

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September –
Writing from bed:

Ada came a few days ago and was happy to learn that Aragorn was missing.

Next week –

Aragorn has been in the basement all this time! To bad the guards remembered to feed him every day. He would have deserved to starve. Was so pale I thought he was an albino man.

Legolas has not been here for several months. When I asked Aragorn where he was, he told me he had banned him from Gondor after the pregnant comment. Told him that if he did not un-ban Legolas, we’d never have another child again. Legolas may be a prissy Elf, but he’s still my friend.

Must stop writing now. Contractions getting more frequent and more painful.

Next day –
Writing from nursery:

Baby is so adorable! So sweet and cuddly. It’s a boy. Have decided to name him Eldarion. Was thoroughly mad that Aragorn won the bet.

Am secretly happy it is a boy, though. Cannot wait to turn him against Aragorn.

Several months later –
Writing from nursery:

Eldarion is always hungry! When he wakes up in the middle of the night, I make Aragorn put him back to sleep.

I take care of the baby nearly all day, and was surprised when Aragorn expected me to take care of the baby the first few nights. Told him that if he didn’t put the baby back to sleep, I’d give him a black eye and turn all his clothes into diapers for the baby.

Year 1 –

Baby has begun to crawl. Aragorn has become obsessed with baby-bumpers and has baby-proofed the entire castle. He locked my sword away and won’t tell me where he has hidden it. It’s good thing I can’t find it, or he’d be dead.

Year Two –

Baby has begun to talk! Elladan and Elrohir are in hiding because I found out they taught him how to swear in several languages already.

Ada has been showering the baby with gifts. Tried to tell him that he will spoil the baby, but he said it’s what grandparents do.

Several days later –
Writing from healing ward:

Found the twins. Have never seen them look so terrified. Good thing my sword is still lost, or I would have hurt them even more than I did. Will sit by them until they regain consciousness.

Next day –
Writing from room:

Ada found out what I did to the twins and had Aragorn put me under room arrest. Am only allowed out to feed the baby. Aragorn was smiling when he posted the guards outside. Will deal with him later.

One week later –

Finally escaped room. Climbed out the window and down the side of the palace. Dropped into a pile of hay outside the stables and startled some of the horses.

Since I haven’t been out for a week, I went for a ride outside the city. When I got back I ran into Ada. Big mistake. He has now had Aragorn post guards inside as well as outside the room.

Year 2.5 –
I’ve found it!

I finally found my sword! I was going past Aragorn’s study when I saw a cabinet with a large padlock on it. I picked the lock with my hairpin and saw my sword inside. Aragorn is going to wish he never hid it.

Next day –
Stupid Faramir:

Could not punish Aragorn because Faramir and Éowyn came to see the baby. Éowyn seems to like the baby very much, but I don’t trust her.

Aragorn thinks I don’t know about what went on between them before we were married, but Legolas told me. I could break her in half like a twig! If Aragorn so much as gives her a look, I’ll kill both of them!

One week later –
Revenge is sweet:

Finally got even with Aragorn for hiding my sword. I loosened the saddle on his horse so that it would fall off once he had reached a gallop.

He came home all muddy and wet. Told him he should make sure his saddle is tightened before he goes riding, and he gave me a dirty look. Hope he never tries to hide my sword again. Hope that smell comes out soon…

Year Three –

Last night at the ball, Eldarion announced in front of a room full of nobles that Aragorn can go potty by himself. Had to stop him from strangling son. Told that there were too many witnesses and that it would be too messy to explain why he killed his own son.

Next month –

Eldarion has decided he wants to go live with Ada in Imladris. Told him if he did, he’d never learn how to annoy Aragorn. That quickly changed his mind. Legolas, the twins, and I will start teaching him as soon as Aragorn gets back from Rohan.

Year Four –
Extremely happy:

Eldarion is now very adept at annoying Aragorn. He is currently trying to give Aragorn a heart attack by hanging from the chandelier in the dining hall.

Year 4.5 –

Aragorn is apparently afraid of fishing with Eldarion. When son caught a duck, the duck bit Aragorn in a rather sensitive area.

Says Faramir can take him fishing from now on. Not a bad idea, as Faramir is much better at fishing. Last time they went fishing together, Faramir caught 20 fish and Aragorn caught 3.

Next week –
Aragorn is such a klutz:

When Éowyn came to visit, she told me some very embarrassing stories about Aragorn. When they were at Edoras, Aragorn decided he was able to calm down an excited horse. Instead, the horse knocked him to the ground and he slipped in a pile of dung while trying to get back up. Then, when trying to mount the horse, he was thrown into another pile of dung.

Am starting to warm up to Éowyn. Have decided that she’s not after Aragorn anymore and is in love with Faramir.

Year Six –
Tending to injured Aragorn:

Eldarion has a strong swig. Broke several widows and managed to hit Aragorn in the eye. Has a promising career in baseball. Told if he kept hurting Aragorn, I’d give him extra dessert.

Year 6.5 –

Eldarion has been learning to climb trees. Valar help us. He keeps falling down. Has already broken his arm once…

Oh, no. He fell again. Must go see if he’s all right.

Several hours later –

Eldarion is all right. Only gave himself a few cuts. Uh oh. He’s back climbing again.

Year Seven –

Eldarion takes after me in skill with a sword. Hope he did not seriously injure Aragorn. Gave him extra piece of cake at dinner tonight.

Next month –

Caught Aragorn trying to dye his hair. Claimed he was trimming his nose hairs. Sure….

Year Eight –

Legolas, Aragorn, and Haldir attempted to teach Eldarion how to use a bow and arrow today. When it was evident he wasn’t very good, Haldir started to make fun of him. Bad idea. Haldir may never be able to walk again without limping. Sent him to Imladris to see if Ada can help him

Year Nine –
I enjoy annoying Aragorn:

Son came to me and asked if he could race horses. When I asked him why he was asking me, he said it was because Aragorn said no. Told him absolutely yes. It’s about time he started racing. I was racing my brothers and Legolas when I was only 5.

Also, I enjoy going behind Aragorn’s back and undermining his authority.

Next day –
Writing from healing ward:

Son decided to race with Elfwine, Eomer’s son, and they decided to use Eomer’s best racing horses. That boy takes after his father in the area of stupidity. Do not know if they will ever come back…

Year Ten –
I don’t envy Aragorn:

Eldarion has finally asked where babies come from. I told him to ask Aragorn, who turned bright red and spit wine all over Legolas.

That chicken has sent him to see the twins for a while. I’m surprised that he wouldn’t tell Eldarion, seeing as he enjoys making them so much.

Several days later –

When I asked Eldarion what my brothers had taught him, he was very descriptive. Am surprised my brothers know so much, seeing as they are still not married.

Part of me is not surprised at all, though, seeing as how many women they been alone with over the years. No doubt Aragorn will want to try some of those things tonight. HA! I seriously doubt it.

Year Eleven –
Children should NOT be allowed to have chocolate:

Son has discovered Aragorn’s secret stash of chocolate and eaten ALL of it. He then proceeded to dye Legolas’ hair black and shave off Gimli’s beard. The guards have threatened to strangle him if he doesn’t stop. Not such a bad idea…

Aragorn decided to lock Eldarion in his room. NOT a good idea. Must go now. Have heard a loud crash coming from Eldarion’s room.

Several minutes later –

Eldarion tried to climb out the window. Actually did a very good job of climbing down three stories. Gave Aragorn a heart attack. I should have let him fall to the ground; after all he did deserve it, but was a good wife and caught him.

Have decided to tie Eldarion to a chair until the sugar high wears off. That will make Aragorn happy once he wakes up.

Year 12 –

I’m pregnant again! Ada is very happy again. Son is hoping for a little brother to beat up. HA! Yeah right. Must go tell Aragorn now.

Next day –

Aragorn has decided to take Legolas, Gimli, and Eldarion hunting. Said they should be back in a week or so.

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter and more will be coming soon!!!