From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Pippin

Uncle Paladin,

PippinÂ’s lost his password, which explains why he hasnÂ’t been in contact. Sorry about that, you know how he is. He says that I have to tell you that weÂ’re xatagbaav;fa MERRY, STOP WRITING!

Sorry about that, Pippin says I shouldn’t write any more, as we have to go — the council is about to begin. ‘Bye.

-Merry

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: IsildurÂ’s Bane

Well? Have you found out yet, Boromir? DadÂ’s starting to get a bitÂ… edgy.

-Faramir

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: IsildurÂ’s Bane

No, Faramir, I haven’t. The Council starts in an hour, I’ll know afterwards — I hope. Anyway, don’t let Dad bother you. The people here aren’t the best either… there’s a prancing Elf-prince who is impossibly full of himself, some scruffy Ranger — I don’t think he’s showered in weeks — and several dwarves. Yuck. Not much in the way of women, either. Shame… There is one Elf-chick who’s fairly good-looking, except she needs a new hairstyle. Yesterday Legosomething (the prancing Elf-prince — can’t remember his name) offered to give her a makeover, and Elrond freaked out. Then Scruffy the Ranger freaked out too. Turns out that the Elf-chick’s Elrond’s daughter, and she’s dating Scruffy. They seem serious about it — I walked in on them making out on the couch in Elrond’s library yesterday. Not a pretty sight, I tell you, as Elf-girlfriend is apparently not enough incentive for Scruffy to take a shower. Don’t think Elrond will be too happy when he finds out.

There are also these Halflings wandering around — four of ‘em! FOUR! How am I supposed to tell which one is supposed to stand forth? And they’re annoying. Two of them plugged the Horn of Gondor with apples yesterday. Names are Happy and Peppy, or something obnoxious like that. Can’t tell them apart — a problem not helped by the fact that I’ve never seen one without the other. Ah, well. One of the other two makes excellent chips. The fourth is a bit of a ninny, it seems.

Well, I may be home soon, I may not. Depends on this stupid Council of whatever. Will send updates afterward.

-Boromir

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Rose Cotton Has Sent You a Middle-Earth Mail E-Card

Thanks for the card, Rosie! I love you too.

Rivendell is wonderful. There are Elves everywhere! I haven’t been invited to the Council that Mr. Elrond is having. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but from what Mr. Frodo has let slip, it concerns where he’s going to go — and they’re not sending him anywhere without me.

-Sam

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Grr

Master Elrond, I need a room transfer. Cannot live with stupid girly Elf-prince of Mirkwood as roommate, spilling mousse on my axe and rusting it, then later making whole place reek of perfume. Enough hair-care products in room to drown a Dwarven army. Must move room immediately.

-Gimli

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Grr

Gimli son of Gloin –

I am afraid it is quite impossible to change your rooming situation at the moment, Master Dwarf. I am sorry that your roommate has caused you these grievances. After the Council, there may be possibilities.

Regrettably,

Lord Elrond Halfelven

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: -no subject entered-

Hello sweetie — I’ll be off to the Council in a few minutes. Tonight continues as we have planned.

-Aragorn

P.S.: I think that Gondorian halfwit saw us in your fatherÂ’s library yesterday. Best hope he didnÂ’t stick around for long.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Council

That Council ought to be sent right to Mandos. Honestly though — Elrond talked for HOURS.

IsildurÂ’s Bane is the One Ring. What a shockÂ… not. Had guessed.

Anyway, wussy Halfling stood forth. He is taking the Ring to Mordor. Better off going to Gondor, if you ask me. I agreed to go along — will attempt to further my case with him. Also going with are other three Halflings, the two obnoxious ones and the one who makes good chips. And Mithrandir the wizard is coming with. Do you think Dad still hates him for that — um — incident? Oh yes, forgot about Scruffy, Dwarf, and prancing Elf-prince. Lovely. Scruffy is actually called Aragorn, and he claims to be the direct heir of Valandil.

Bull.

-Boromir

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: -no subject entered-

oh dear eru. boooooooooooooooooring!

council is over with, i am glad. elrond yakked for hours and hours. fell asleep. woke up in time to agree to go off to mororor with funny little man and his friends. gave elrond sleeping stuff last night, snuck in and braided his hair. could not stand his awful fashion sense any longer. his taste is worse than his daughters. he got mad but did not do anything. aragorn is extremely smelly still. oaf from gondor was telling me about him and his elf girlfriend. you think he would take shower, but no! and the dwarf broke my mousse jar! please send replacement, ada. must go, elf-chick with awful hair is showing me a new bolt of lilac brocade silk. may have robe made.

legolas

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: -no subject entered-

Legolas,

It’s “Mordor,” not “mororor”. In other news, I finally figured out how to use this thing! And if you’re going to leave Imladris, how can I send you a replacement brush and jar of mousse?

Love, your Ada

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; [email protected]
Subject: AndÂ…

We went to the Council today. They tried to send Frodo off to Mordor, so we said weÂ’d go with.

ThatÂ’s not exactly what happened, Merry.

Stop.

Make me!

As I was saying… we’re going to go with to Mordor. So are Frodo and Sam and Gandalf —

— and Strider, who still doesn’t believe in second breakfast —

— Pippin, stop. Also a Dwarf, an annoying elf, and another human, who is stupid and fun to play tricks on. He carries around a massive horn. Pippin wanted to stuff bubble gum down it —

But they donÂ’t have any bubble gum in Rivendell!

— so we jammed apples down it instead. He got mad and told us to get out —

Although those arenÂ’t the words he used.

True, true, they arenÂ’tÂ… and then he called us Happy and Peppy. HAPPY AND PEPPY!! This

Human has less brains than Pip does!

HEY!

Ow. That hurt, Pippin! Anyway, thatÂ’s all the news for now.

– Merry and Pippin

P.S.: Can you send me Diamond’s email address? I’ve forgotten it. Send it to Merry’s email… lost my password. Thanks – Pip

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: -no subject entered-

Mr. Frodo, do you know when weÂ’re leaving? They havenÂ’t told me yet and IÂ’d rather like to know.

– Sam

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Fellowship

Galadriel,

I did it. I managed to get not one, but NINE prats to go off to Mordor to try to destroy the One. Yes! And even better, Aragorn is with them. What better way to get him away from Arwen?

-Elrond

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Get a move on!

The idiots down in Imladris have picked out a bunch to go to Mordor. Head ‘em off, will you? I know you’re not bright, but this time try to follow the rules. Don’t. Kill. The. Short. Ones.

Got it?

The Boss