THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI, PART II

Day One:

Running across Rohan with Aragorn and Legolas. V thankful for shortness of Dwarf legs, as slow running gives me prime Legolas-arse watching position. Go Gimli!

Day Eight:

Met up with Eomer and his horsey posse. Argh. Butch blonde-types so annoying. Slightly cheered up by Legolas leaping to my defense when Eomer got all perverse with me. Legolas radically butch for a moment. Worried me and Aragorn, but he soon returned to form with a slap fight with Eomer over who has the silkiest hair. Phew.

In other news: hobbits apparently dead. Bother. Never did get to shag Pippin. It seems I was the only one who didn’t.

Day Ten:

Borders of Fangorn forest. Legolas refused to enter, whining about moldy atmosphere being bad for his skin. Aragorn rolled his eyes in masculine fashion. Legolas fainted in bliss. Think Aragorn is contemplating throwing himself off cliff if Legolas becomes any more lovesick. Hope he does. Leaves the way clear for me! Legolas’ ass becoming more alluring day by day.

Day Eleven:

Well, who would’ve believed it? Gandalf is back, with domestic-cleaning product sponsorship deal apparently, because he has become sparkly and shiny, but with lack of pointy hat. Jodo would be less-than-thrilled, methinks.

Reassured us that hobbits are still very much alive, Aragorn ‘pervy-hobbit-fancier’ son of Arathorn over the moon. Gimli is slightly happier to know he still has a chance with Pippin.

Day Twelve:

In Edoras. Miffed. I had a good chance of getting laid with Wormtongue, but Gandalf had to go and throw him out of the country. Wormtongue ran off back to Isengard. Curses. I was so in there.

Legolas contemplating suicide, not due to poke bonnet, but Eowyn. Not only is she prettier than him, but has a much better chance with Aragorn, especially now Eomer has been banished.

Day Thirteen:

Theoden useless leader, despite ingenious Eomer banishing law. Instead of fighting Saruman, he plans to run away to secret refuge of Helm’s Deep, during rainy season, too. Suspect it is really an underhand plot by Eowyn to get Aragorn to wash his hair.

Gandalf pissed off with Theoden’s uselessness. Gone off to find Eomer. If I knew he was that desperate, I wouldn’t have minded… Ah well. Legolas’ still available.

Day Fourteen:

Sick of Eowyn throwing herself at Aragorn so blatantly. If carries on, Legolas likely to become psychotic, hurt someone seriously. Most likely Eowyn. Was forced to distract her with Dwarf anecdotes today, but to no avail, as fell off damn horse in the process, leaving poor clueless Aragorn to fend for himself with hormonally challenged princess.

Day Fifteen:

Suspect Aragorn not so clueless after all, but secretly enjoying Eowyn’s attention. Has he forgotten completely about Arwen? Maybe this is his way of getting her back for that fling she had with me at the Council of Elrond. Humans hold such a grudge.

Day Sixteen:

Turned to drastic measures on the Aragorn/Eowyn front. Was forced to bribe an orc to drag Aragorn off a cliff today to prevent Eowyn snogging his face off. Phew. Gimli is so resourceful. Legolas grateful too, as Eowyn looking mopey. Legolas’ motto: if he can’t have Aragorn, neither can anyone else.

Day Twenty:

Gimli is useless. Should’ve realized from experience- cliffs have no effect on Aragorn. He waltzed back into Helm’s Deep today, looking as hot and sweaty and generally grubby as usual. Legolas nearly passed out at the sheer testosterone of it all.

But bad news, seems that enormous Uruk-hai army heading this way. Aragorn all for running away, but Theoden determined to make final brave stand. At least Eowyn’s out of the way in a cave somewhere. Don’t know how I’d keep Aragorn and her apart in the heat of battle.

Day Twenty… Later:

Stuck like glue to Aragorn, to keep him away from Eowyn. He probably thinks I fancy him too now but no matter. Not like he isn’t used to it, anyway, what with Legolas and Eowyn.

Elrond sent hottie elven warriors to help against Uruk-hai. Clearly just trying to remind Aragorn that he is dating his daughter, and can’t go off with Eowyn. Gimli is pissed off, however, as now have Haldir’s advances to cope with as well as Eowyn’s and Legolas’. Grrr.

Day Twenty One:

Yay! We won! Never thought I’d be glad to see Eomer and Gandalf. Aragorn doesn’t share my sentiments though. Jealous, as not only has he received suggestive post card from Faramir in Osgiliath, but Eomer and Legolas disappeared during post-battle party. Seems Aragorn shares Legolas’ motto concerning unavailable boyfriends. Ah well, my job is easier, as Haldir is dead, Legolas preoccupied with Eomer, and Eowyn ‘accidentally’ left in cave. Nothing to do with me, heh heh. Feel a ‘go Gimli’ approaching!