“Fish Stories”
Sulky, Froggy, & Rilian; 2006

One dull autumn day, during a terrific bash at Boromir’s house in the Citadel, everyone took turns telling stories, each trying to outdo the last.

Aragorn started. “There we were — surrounded, three against one-thousand! We were fighting as hard as physically possible; tooth and nail, broken sword and shattered shield, hook and claw! Three against one-thousand! Boromir went down on my left! I was fighting madly! Three against one-thousand! They had me cornered! Three against one-thousand!”

“What happened then?” asked Pippin, captivated.

“I won’t go into details,” continued Aragorn, “but those were three of the best foes I’ve ever fought!”

“Well,” grunted Gimli, “I must say that in all my extensive experience with warfare (in fact, you could even call it my ‘area of expertise’) the best I’ve fought was Grimsby, the mad dwarf! He singled me out one day at the pub and swung with a solid left! I adeptly dodged him, of course, and let fly a punch of my own. It hit him hard, but I was the one howling, my fist shaking, blood dripping viscously–”

“Remember the Hobbits, if you please, Gimli!” interjected Boromir. “Spare them the gory details.”

“Certainly; my apologies,” said Gimli. “Now, where was I? Oh, yes. He came at me again–all six-hundred pounds of him–a hulking, menacing monster! It’s a wonder I defeated that son-of-stone!”

“How did you?” questioned Pippin, excitedly.

“Uh… um… well… he slipped on a banana peel and died,” admitted Gimli, slightly abashed.

“What?” squawked Merry, sitting up incredulously. “But, I thought–!”

“It’s okay, Merry,” consoled Legolas, “you’ll understand when you’re older.”

“My turn!” Boromir exclaimed, not wanting to be left out. “What you guys did was nothing! One time, when I was having a particularly bad day, I had been shot with several arrows and pushed off a waterfall…” He glared insinuatingly at Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.

“What?!” Aragorn demanded. “We thought you were dead!”

“Yeah, right! You were just trying to eliminate a possible rival to the throne of Gondor!” Boromir yelled back.

“Hey, how did you find out about–I mean, no, we weren’t!” Aragorn countered.

“What were you saying about later that day?” Legolas asked, causing Boromir to forget his anger so he could be the center of attention.

“Right, I was trying to head back home so I could get some rest, when I came upon a huge army of Orcs!” Boromir said dramatically. “I knew they would attack you if I didn’t do something, so I attacked them! They didn’t stand a chance! I killed every last one of them; it wasn’t easy, but I did it!”

“Wow!” Pippin exclaimed, amazed. “Really?”

“Of course!”

“Why didn’t we pass the dead bodies?” Gimli asked.

“I threw them in the river? Maybe you didn’t go that way!”

All the Fellowship but Boromir and Pippin rolled their eyes.

“You call that tough?” laughed Legolas. “The other day–well, this was supposed to be a secret, but what the heck–I convinced Gimli to bathe – and use some of my shampoo!”

The Fellowship (except Gimli, of course) threw back their heads in laughter.

“You promised you wouldn’t tell!” exploded Gimli.

Legolas found this a convenient time to make his exit, saying he had to fix his hair, while the others restrained the infuriated dwarf.

Pippin, wanting to get in on the fun, decided to tell his story. “Ha! If you think you did dangerous deeds, you’re crazy! I stole Legolas’ favorite hairbrush! See?” He pulled it out of his bag, but it slipped from his hand and hit the floor, breaking into several pieces.

Everyone glanced at the mess, and each quickly found an excuse to leave the room.

A few minutes later, Legolas came back in. “Has anyone seen my hairbrush?”

Finis