It is a little known fact that Frodo Baggins is not always the pint-sized hero we see. Here is a set of rules laid down just for our favorite Hobbit:

1.My proper legendary hero title is ‘Frodo of the Nine Fingers’ -not- ‘Princess Anastasia’
2.May not perform my infamous ‘Barbie Girl Dace’ while trying to pass through Moria unnoticed
3.Must not taunt Elves anymore
4.Must never call Elrond a ‘wanker’
5.Never confuse Galadriel for Legolas
6.The Men of Gondor and Rohan are not after ‘me frosted lucky charms’
7.Not allowed to appoint sock puppet as new Ringbearer
8.The Head Healer is ‘Ireth’ -not- ‘Dr. Feelgood’
9.I am not allowed to ‘go to the Green Dragon and shake daddy’s little money-maker for twenties stuffed into my undies’
10.Not allowed to trade Ring for ‘magic beans’
11.Nor may I feed said beans to Gollum to see if they actually work
12.The proper response to an order from Gandalf is -not- “Why?”
13.The following words or phrases may not be used in any Shire songs or poems: budding sexuality, I hate everyone in Hobbiton and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, all Elves are latent homosexuals, Gondorian hooker, or any references to squid
14.There are no pink Oliphaunts in the forests of Ithilien
15.I am neither the king nor queen of cheese
16.May not get Gimli drunk and convince him to go to battle in drag (Poor Frodo doesn’t even try this anymore)
17.Must not ride last surviving Oliphaunt just to ‘squish’ things
18.If the thought of something makes me (and -only- me) giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I’m not allowed to do it
19.Must not refer to gandalf as ‘Mom’
20.Must not refer to Aragorn as ‘Dad’
21.When asked to give a few words at Boromir’s funeral, ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo’ is probably not appropriate
22.Ringwraiths are -not- dementors, and they will not leave when I tell them, “Hogwarts is -that- way.”
23.The Cracks fo Doom are -not- filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell Sam that they are
24.May not trade Ring for any of the following: pipeweed, ale, big swords, cute Hobbit children
25.I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone taller than me
26.Lava from Mount Doom should not be stored in sam’s pack
27.Two drink limit does not mean first and last
28.Nor does it mean two kinds of drinks
29.Or that the drinks can be as big as I like
30.’Shpadoinkle’ is not a real word
31.’I’m drunk / high / drunk and high’ is a bad answer to any of Gandalf’s questions
32.Not allowed to use Sting to disprove ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’
33.I will no longer participate in Legolas’ nude performances of ‘Silmarillion:The Musical’
34.The Ring is -not- edible
35.Gandalf never went to Hogwarts and I should stop implying that he did
36.Take that hat off
37.No, the pants are -not- optional
38.I am not to refer to the Ring as ‘the roundy, gold thingy’
39.When standing voer the river of lava in Mount Doom, I may not attempt something I ‘saw in a cartoon’
40.I am not the Emperor of anything
41.Do not dare Pippin (or any Tooks in general) to eat bugs. They always do it
42.Must not make s’mores in the Cracks of Doom (even if I made enough for Gollum and Sam)
43.Must nto valiantly push Gandalf off the Bridge of Khazad-dum to distract the Balrog and save the rest of the Fellowship