The Diary of Gollum
By CuddlyGollum

Day One

Bad day. I was tortured until I revealed that Bilbo Baggins of the Shire had the ring. I was forced to entire facial hair waxing and pedicures while listening to five hours of “It’s a Small World”. Now every time I hear the tune, I twitch uncontrollably. It really stinks being me.

Day Two

My Avacore Hair Products came in today! Hopefully I will be able to grow back my full head of hair Smeagol lost about 100 years ago.

Day Three

They finally let me go out of the tower, but not without one final facial. I think Smeagol actually liked listening to “It’s a Small World”. I told not to be stupid, but like always, he didn’t listen to me!

Day Four

Before following the Fellowship to retrieve my Precious, I did a voice-over in Rivendell for the next Goldfish commercial. “I love fishes cause they’re so delicioussssssss”!

Day Five

Good day. I caught a handful of fish and ate the while they were raw and wriggling. The only bad part was that the President placed a fish tax, and I lost a few fishies to some scary CIA members. Stupid, fat politicians!

Day Six

I followed the “Fellowship” into the Mines of Moria. The ring bearer is some guy named Frodo. I know wherever he is due to the sound of his loud baby-like whining. His friend is the fattest thing I have ever seen, I mean, he practically has his own zip-code. He went to the beach, and the whales started singing, “We Are Family”. I remember the days when I was fat, but I went on the Patkin’s Diet and lost so much weight! Look at me now, how sexy I am!! (I think Smeagol is putting on a little weight, but I don’t want to tell him)

Day Seven

I followed a crowd of groupies screaming for some guy named “Orlando Bloom”. It turns out that is the other name for Legolas, some girl-like member of the fellowship. I don’t know why they are chanting his name like wild animals, he isn’t even the protagonist! At least I know wherever the Fellowship is now, due to the large group of females crying.

Day Eight

The Fellowship nearly was eaten by Balrog today. Gandalf tried to stop him by doing a little dance and winking, but he ended up falling to his near-death. (It doesn’t surprise me, Gandalf’s nose is big enough to be a weapon) I took the elevator and reached the outside of the mines without getting hurt. It isn’t like anyone cares about me, however.

Day Nine

The Fellowship is having wild parties with blond elves in Las Vegas, I mean, where Galadriel lives. Since I am not an essential character in this portion of the plot, Smeagol and I have decided to spend a relaxing weekend at UnimportantCharacterLand. I was joined by other unwanted characters in the plot like Rosie, Wormtongue, and even Saruman. We all had mochas while discussing the complexities of our lives. That Rosie sure is a fine piece of work…too bad I’m hundreds of years older than her, and smell like fish.

Day Ten

Can you believe it? Some girl actually asked me if I was E.T.! E.T. doesn’t have half the wit and charm!!

Day Eleven

After a very mushy moment, Sam and Frodo are finally heading into Mordor. This means that the second film is coming, and I’m going to be in it!! Finally, the world will see me in all my loin-cloth splendor!

Day Twelve

I finally met Sam and Frodo. Sam called me a dirty monkey behind my back, and Frodo has the intelligence of a flea. Looks like it will be up to me to get my Precious back. Frodo likes Smeagol better than me, though I don’t know why. I’m so much cuter than him, and smarter!

Day Thirteen

Went fishing today. When I sang my fish song, a bunch of men with arrows tried to shoot me. One guy with a British accent started to make fun of my pitch and tell me I would never be an American Idol. Poo on them, my mom told me I have a wonderful voice.

Day Fifteen

I saw evil Frodo singing, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” to my Precious today. He is sick, everyone knows the ring only likes to hear, “Be Mine”!! What was he thinking? I can’t wait to get my Precious back, then I can go back to using is as a lure to catch fish!

Day Sixteen

I got into an argument with Smeagol today. He just doesn’t understand that Frodo and Sam are really evil under their cuddly exteriors. I told him that just because they look like giant teddy bears doesn’t mean they actually are made of faux fur! I think my message really got across to him…

Day Seventeen

We are getting close to Shelob’s lair, I mean, my old girlfriend from college. That was back when I had hair and teeth, actually. I hope she doesn’t still have that sour temper and huge cellulite-infested bum. Ah, those were the good old days! Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll eat Sam and Frodo. She never liked younger men, anyways.

Day Eighteen

Bad day. I am no longer an essential character in the plot. Sam survived Shelob’s lair and Frodo lived, but was taken to be tortured in that familiar old tower…”It’s a small world after all…”

Day Eighteen

Frodo was rescued by Sam after enduring a week of being force-fed Krispy Kream donuts and Carbs so he got a fat little belly. On top of all that, they made him listen to Hilary Duff for twelve hours straight. Ouch.

Day Nineteen

I am following Sam and Frodo now as they are making their way to Mount Doom. They are easy to follow because of the giant spotlight that swirls around them. They keep having mushy moments, and Sam is becoming accustomed to carrying Frodo on his back. I asked Smeagol if he would carry me but he refused. He is still bitter about me making fun of his weight.

Day Twenty

Sam and Frodo reached Mount Doom today. Before they threw my Precious into the fire, I asked Frodo if he would lend me his hot-dog like fingers to BBQ over the fire. Frodo refused, so I just took off one of his fingers anyway. It didn’t taste like a hotdog at all. The audience thought I fell to my death afterwards, but in truth, I just floated downstream in the yellow water to the next movie I am going to be in, “The Hobbit”. I was especially mad when the audience started to cheer for my death. Those hormone-infested teenagers think they’re so cool.

Day Twenty-One

Smeagol and I are back in UnimportantCharacterLand with all our buddies. Sadly, Rosie is getting married now and has just become an Important Character. Oh well, Galadriel is always here, and she is just as good-looking. I guess I will just have to wait until next time the audience needs an ugly antagonist…