*Elrond enters the room with a clipboard then suddenly stops, looking around*

Elrond: Um, guys…there is no light in this room at all.

Gollum: No…no lightsssssss…..lightssss baaaad…..

Elrond: *flicks on the lightswitch* I realize you have an aversion to sunlight, Smeagol, but we are just going to have to compromise for a while, hmm?

Gollum: *shrivels up on the floor*

Elrond: Could you please take a seat?

Gollum: *sneers at Elrond and crawls into chair*

Elrond: Thank you. *sits down* Now, I think we all know why we are here. We all have some problems we need to work out. Well, not me of course. First of all I want to thank everyone for taking time off your busy schedules to make this appointment.

Saruman: *sighs* No biggie. Once you surf the Palantir once, it’s all downhill from there anyway…

Sauron: *glares at Saruman*

Saruman: *laughs nervously* Not that I don’t ABSOLUTELY LOVE it or anything….

Elrond: Now there, Mr. Sauron sir, let’s be kind. This is time to fellowship with your friends!

Sauron: *cocks head to look at Elrond and sighs* Fine, sorry.

Elrond: Thank you very much. *looks around then looks at clipboard* Now, let’s see, who do we have here? Smeagol, Sauron, Saruman, Lurtz, Nazgul #9 and the Witch King. Yes, all here. Now, do we have any volenteers to go first?

Nazgul: *raises hand*

Elrond: Yes, Nazgul #9, you want to go first?

Nazgul: Um…dude, Lurtz is dead.

Elrond: *does double take* Oh…well…okay then. That takes care of that. *scribbles name off list* Sorry about that everyone.

Saruman: *blows nose and sighs*

Elrond: *pats Saruman’s hand* My deepest sympathies.

Saruman: *nods*

Elrond: Now, lets get down to buisness…shall we? Witch King, let’s have you go first. I know running all the Nazgul has got to be taxing.

Witch King: Yes, especially a certain few of them… *looks pointedly at Nazgul #9*

Nazgul: How dare you say that! I’ve never been the slightest bit of trouble!

Witch King: *stands* Don’t take that tone of voice with me, kid.

Nazgul: *rolls eyes* I can’t BELIEVE you. We’re all ages old and yet you always bring up my slight youth.

Witch King: You always did act childish, I don’t expect time to change that.

Nazgul: *looks at Elrond* You see? See what I have to put up with?

Elrond: Um…

Witch King: *unsheathes sword and points at Elrond* Don’t you DARE take sides!

Elrond: Hey guys, calm down, I’m not taking sides here.

Witch King: *sheathes sword and sits down*

Elrond: Now, moving along, Saurman, how about you go next?

Saruman: *stares absently at the floor* I’ll tell you what, Elrond, my life is no party. Do you have any idea how hard it is being a good-guy-gone-bad?

Elrond: Not really…

Saruman: Well it’s no piece of cake. I kind of feel this urge to be nice again, but then my lust for power and knowlage always kicks in. And, added to that, all my assistants either get de-cappetated or come crawling back to me with tail between their legs.

Sauron: *flings hand in the air* Oh, yeah, and all MY assistants are wimpy old men, deformed old Hobbits, and sissy old kings.

Elrond: *crosses arms* And how do you feel about that?

Sauron: *gets teary* All I was ever good at was jewelry making. And, of course, all the other Maiar teased me constantly about it. So I totally left and met this way cool dude…he became my role model. Then I got labelled as “evil,” so I decided I’d get payback. You know, after Morgoth retired I decided I’d get together some friends and build a tower. Take over a few villages, cities, possibly the world, no big deal. But the plan really backfired.

Elrond: And how do you feel about that?

Sauron: Uhh…. Well…..I wasn’t so ticked off, I could fend off those petty warriors, but then that stupid son-of-a-king cut off my fingers and took my Ring!

Elrond: And how do you feel about that?

Sauron: *eyes Elrond* Bad…I guess? Anyway, all I wanted was to get it back. But NO, they had to make this big deal out of it and try to destroy the thing! It’s because they’re all jealous of my talent, I know it.

Elrond: *looks at clock* That’s all very fascinating, Sauron, we’ll have to catch up another time. Now we have to move on. Smeagol, you’re the only one who hasn’t gone. Share with us something that troubles you.

Gollum: *mutters to himself*

Elrond: Speak up, Smeagol.

Gollum: Preciousssss…..they took the Precioussss…..those filthy fat Hobbitsesss ssstole our Precioussss…..

Sauron: *starts to cry and points at Gollum* You’re the thief!!! You are the one who stole MY Precious!!

Gollum: *sneers*

Elrond: Come on guys, let’s be civil.

Sauron: *points big black staff at Elrond and starts to bawl uncontrollably* Don’t tell ME what to do, you Half-Elf scum!!

Nazgul: *becomes excited* Yeah! *faces Witch King* I’m not gonna let you boss me around anymore, I’m gonna tell myself what to do! I’m gonna be my own man…I quit!!

Witch King: *stares wide eyed with mouth agape*

Sauron: *looks briefly at Nazgul #9* Sit down and shut up, weakling.

Nazgul: *sits quickly* Sure, whatever you say.

Sauron: *faces Elrond again* Now, where was I? Oh yes, SENDING YOU TO YOUR DOOM!!!

Elrond: *nervously* Now that you mention that, I believe there’s an anger managment class down by the Gap of Rohan that you might be interested in….

Sauron: Silence!!! *pauses for a few seconds* Hello, Nazgul, what do I pay you for??

*Witch King and Nazgul #9 scream loudly and the other seven black riders suddenly appear and began to chant spookily*

Sauron: Ah yes, that’s better. *laughs devlishly*

Elrond: *glances quickly at clock and laughs* Well, what do you know, session’s over. Sorry, gotta run, you all know the way out! *runs out of room and closes door*

*Arwen suddenly rushes up to Elrond in the hallway*

Arwen: DADDY!!!

Elrond: Hello sweetie. What’s the matter?

Arwen: *starts to walk towards the door* I left my I-love-Aragorn button in there, I’ll be right out. *puts hand on knob*

Elrond: *slaps Arwen’s hand and covers the door* Not now, dearie, the patients are in a bad mood.

Arwen: *shrugs* Okay. *jumps up and down excitedly* Oh! Can we go visit Aragorn NOW???!!! Please, please PLEASE????!!!

Elrond: *deep heavy sigh* Why do I even bother…?

To be continued…???