Haldir of L'Oreal by pv
Haldir of L’Oreal
The elegant elf with the gorgeous tresses answers all the questions raised by the many hirsute inhabitants of Middle Earth regarding their coiffures. Tune in to his weekly show on Radio Mallorn…
Aragorn:
Haldir of L’Oreal, I need your help. How do I get my hair to look like
Isildur’s hair?
Haldir:
Seek for the comb-that-was-broken. In Imladris it dwells…
Aragorn:
Ye utuvienyes! A comb! I never thought of that!
* * * * *
Gollum:
We tries an Ent draught and ends up with a full head of nasssty curly hair. Now we can’t see where we’re going, can we, precious? No! Nasssty Ents! Curse them!
Haldir:
My good Smeagol, there’s a simple solution to your problem. Bind your tresses with a piece of string. One string to rule them all, one string to find them. One string to bring them all and in a ponytail bind them.
Gollum:
Nice Haldir. We’ll try it, precious, yesss we will, gollum, gollum.
* * * * *
Gimli:
My beard has grown so long that it trips me up!
Haldir:
Up with your beard, Durin’s son! How about braiding it and coiling it like a rope over your shoulder?
Gimli:
Good idea, boss!
Haldir:
And now I have a question for you, Gimli. How do you dwarves grow such luxurious beards?
Gimli:
Aha! It’s all in our diet! Our Khazad ai menu!
* * * * *
Asfaloth:
The problem with having an Elvish master is that he keeps shampooing my mane. What’s a good way for a horse to get a soggy mane dry in a hurry?
Haldir:
Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!
* * * * *
Pippin:
As we hobbits have hairy feet, all the insects of the Shire have come to regard our toes as a safe haven.
Haldir:
Smoke them out of there with Longbottom leaf!
Pippin:
Wow! Now why didn’t I think of that!
Haldir:
You require someone with intelligence in your party, Peregrin Took!
* * * * *
Haldir:
And now, I bring word from our sponsor, Elrond of Rivendell.
A Elbereth Gilthoniel
Silivren penna miriel
O menel aglar elenath
So you should try out L’Oreal.
* * * * *
Haldir:
And now, back to our programme….
Frodo:
I love the starry effect in Legolas’ dark hair… any idea how he achieves it?
Haldir:
Strangely enough, I do! The other day, I came across Legolas and Gimli apparently collecting insects in the forest. They were making quite a game of it. “What do you collect, Gimli son of Gloin,” I asked. Gimli dived into a bush and emerged with another specimen. “Forty two, Master Legolas,” yelled he. “Forty two of what,” asked I. “Glow worms,” he answered, emptying his collection into Legolas’ hair. And that, Frodo, is the secret of Legolas’ starry look.
Frodo:
I think I’ll try that on my toes!
Haldir:
Brilliant! Frodo is too poor a name for you. Twinkletoes, I name you.
Haldir’s brother Rumil suddenly rushes in…
Rumil:
Hey , Haldir…
Haldir:
Daro! I’m on air, Rumil. This is a live broadcast…
Haldir changes gears.
And that’s it for today. Be sure to tune in next week, same time, and you’ll hear the minstrel of Rohan lament, “Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing,” in response to the new buzz cuts of the Rohirrim…
Rumil:
But Haldir…
Haldir:
WHAT!
Rumil:
Yrch!
Haldir:
Orcs?
Haldir and Rumil scramble hurriedly up the nearest mallorn, dragging a microphone and rope ladder after them. They fling themselves down on the high flet and Haldir pulls out a sheaf of manuscript. “Will you let me help you with next week’s show, Haldir,” asks Rumil hopefully. “Sorry, Rumil,” answers Haldir of L’Oreal. “I can write about hair, but others have not this skill.”
68 Comments
This is absolutely hysterical! I laughed so hard I cried. Brava! Brava! {wild applause}
I fully agree, just brilliant π
I loved it! You did a great job incorporating Tolkien’s work into a more modern setting. Great job!
That was hilarious! Clever insertion of *real* Tolkien quotes… “up with your beard, Durin’s son!” Great job.
Cute! Please, write more!
that was funny.please keep writing.
I really enjoyed your writing and you should defianatly write more i particually liked the entry about Asfaloth as I have my own horse keep up the goodwork
Ha, ha! Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do! Love it. Clever use of lines from the movies. Keep up the good work. π
Oooh, this is getting good! Keep going!
I loved your story. It is cute and funny! Write more soon π
Howling with laughter! I loved the song! Witty, clever. π
tee hee… very funny! keep going — I’ll read it!
Love it! It’s great! Write more!
Hey that was cute! Oh I finally wrote something… Yay! Your story is good! I don’t know if that’s the end or not, but write more or a sequel or something. PLZ
No, that’s not the end, unfortunately. I regret to inform you that there’s going to be more!
Hey, this is really good! Carry on!
PV, this is great! I love the direction the story’s taking. What a great idea! π
Looking forward to the next installment.
hehehe this is great!! please write more! i want to see if the orcs find Haldir!!
You continue to be creative and clever with this story. The characters are funny, the storyline fun, the dialogue believable. Keep up the good work!
I really liked your fan fic, and can’t wait to see chapter 8 and the rest! Sorry for having to rush!
very, very funny π hope the next chapter will follow soon!
OMG! That is soo funny! Half-hobbit half-elven? That had to be an interesting relationship π !!! I love your story! Write more soon.
Very nice. I like your story. You might, however, consider editing your firts two chapters just a bit so that they fit in with the rest of the plot.
This is delightful. Keep up the good work.
Yay! Chapter 9! The quality has not lessened at all π Keep up the great work!
Great chapter! Thanks for letting me know you updated! I love the orcs’ names! I’ll be counting the minutes until chapter 10 π !!!!!!!!!
lol! lol! lol! u r so funny! lol! lol! lol!
That scared me! To think of Legolas as a Nazgul is almost impossible to me! Very clever though…poor Marty Sam! Can’t wait for chapter 11! Keep up the great work!
OMG! Legolas dressed up as a nazgul?? lolololol! I almost choked. I really should know better than to eat while I read your story. lol. I still love the orcs. Poor Marty Sam.
Chapter 9 is simply inspired! I’m not sure what I liked best, it was all so good.
Some of my favorites:
– paging Haldir to the Lost Property Office to get his hairspray
– Marty Sam still “just this high”
– the inscriptions inside the rings
And I just love, love, love how you’ve written the character of Legolas! Such a refreshing change from the mindless self-absorbed blonde that is a staple of most LotR comedy.
Kudos!
Wonderful! I love the image of the three elven brothers setting off on “winged feet”. And how just like a comedic Legolas to think dressing up as a Nazgul would be funny.
Yay!
You’re getting even more funny every chapter π I love it!
O Wow! This is awesome!
Did I ever tell you how happy I am that your Legolas is not a narcissistic idiot? I am, I am! I love this Legolas who’s funny and yet caring.
The story’s going well, though you’re being a bit of tease, holding out on what’s going on at Ye Olde Radio Mallorn.
Looking forward to the next installment. π
OMG! I love this chapter! I really like how you’ve made the characters seem so real! Update soon!
we want more! we want more! *cough, sorry, exams comming up π and your story is such an excellent way to relax a little π
Mellon nin, you are simply fabulous at this! LoL! Had a great time chuckling to myself… Keep it up, friend! I liked the way you weaved in all those quotes and elvish phrases into the script! GREAT WORK!
Silly Haldir! I love how real a person you’ve made him. Can’t wait to find out what happens next!
Yay! It’s wonderful! Yes, the diologue is much more readable, I enjoyed this chapter very much.
“There appeared to be no limit to the odd things heΓ’β¬β’d been doing latelyΓ’β¬Β¦” omg! I love that line! This chapter rocks! I feel bad for Haldir, brothers are awful π
Looking awesome! Can’t wait for the next chapter!
I’d be ROTFL if I were that kind of person…as it was, I chuckled. (Oh, horrors!) The whole thing is consistently funny, and I suppose I shall be reading more when there is more to read!
Ha, ha! Still great. That Haldir is a real character. π
*falls off chair*
This is hilarious. Very off-the-wall, but that just makes it funnier.
For those of you who found the dialogue a bit confusing to read, I’ve reworked the spacing a bit (in all chapters), just to make it clearer. Hope it’s okay now! …PV.
Haha!! That’s great! π
Another chapter yay! I still love it π
This is one of my favorite chapters so far! I love the Gollum bit, it had me laughing.
Great twist, having the orcs liking Marty’s cancelled show.
I think that the story is absolutely great. Your characters are really realistic, especially the relationship between the three brothers and the subtle humour is fantastic. Please, keep it coming!!
Very funny, great clean humour, I appreciate that! Keep it up! Very inventive as well:)
*applause applause* Excellent chapter. I was wondering when you’d update, I’m so glad you have. As usual, I love it! Very well written.
Magnificently funny. Great work! I loved it!
Still funny, even sixteen chapters in. Yaay! Love how you explained why Mary Sue couldn’t do the Mary Sue thing and run in and save her love.
I really enjoyed this story. It was humorous, but many of the jokes took a bit of thinking to understand. I especially liked your name choices for the orcs and Mary Sue and Marty Sam. Very funny! One thing, though, I think all of the ratings should be raised one. The last sections, especially, might be a bit more than PG.
i think that this is a great story, for there are not many stories that have no language or violence! thanx 4 writing these stories!
lol, pv you’re such a funny writer. I want to write like you π
Thanks for finally updating! And two chapters at once! Very cool. Can’t wait to see what happens next. The scene with Haldir and his brothers was very sweet.
Aaaawwwww……that was nice. I like it.
Just had to check out your story, after you told me it was about haldir on the thread I made last night!!!! I must say, it is hilarious!!! I loved the bit with singing Elvis, as my family is a bit fond of that guy as well!!!!! I don’t have time to read the next chapters right now, but be sure I’ll be back to check it out!!!
This is awesome!
I couldn’t stop laughing and chuckling and sympathizing the entire time (very bad for me, as I happen to have strep throat and a horrible cough.)
I loved it – keep on writing, I love your style.
*all together now!*
Awwwwwwww!
The part about Legolas crying made me laugh out loud.
I still love it!
I really liked this story, and I really appreciate your keeping it clean. And also: “Garbazh” and “Trazchan”! hahaha!
*big happy grin* Good stuff!
I have to stop laughing…people are staring at me!
Great work!
HAHAHAHAHA! I really liked this one – I laughed all the way through it. Great story! =D
~Araloth the Random
I love this fic- nice chapter lengths, new jokes all the way through… I just want to know what was engraved on the mallorn by the 2 *suspicious* people!
Anyway lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
Super great fic! It starts our as a simple humor/commercial thingy, then goes into to the realms of humorous story, and then it goes into the realm of mostly humorous but also slightly serious, and very well written story! Loved it, especially the ending of chapter six…. It really sounded (all the way through) like a true family story of a family (with orcs and romance thrown in). Was altogether a great story, WELL worth reading through to the end.