Hosted by a Blonde by elfoflorien
‘The life changing news’
Fizz-whap! The innocent vase sitting in the window suddenly collapsed. “Bu-ya!” cheered Legolas. The door creaked open. In walked Faramir.
“What are you doing?” he hissed, surveying the room with horror.
“Practicing my elven powers,” grinned Legolas. He waved his hand at a flowerpot and the poor unsuspecting flowers immediately wilted.
Faramir scowled. “We have more important things to do.”
“We do?” said Legolas absently lighting the candles from across the room. Faramir blew them out crossly. “Do you know what day it will be in exactly two weeks?”
“My birthday?” asked Legolas hopefully. He began listing off all the presents he wanted.
“No. Guess again,” said Faramir sarcastically. Legolas’s brow furrowed.
“It must not be very important if it isn’t about me,” he sulked.
“What happened exactly one year and two weeks ago?” Faramir resisted the urge to shake Legolas. Legolas sighed and retrieved his palm pilot. “Let’s see,” he mused. “One year ago. Battle of Pelennor Fields, commandeered Black ships, bought nail protector, Aragorn and Arwen got married, ummm, I got to wear a crown…” He looked up at Faramir confused. “I don’t see anything. Is this a joke or something?”
“Give me that,” Faramir snatched the palm pilot away. “Aragorn and Arwen got married! That’s what I’m talking about! Their wedding!”
“They’re getting married again?” Legolas was astounded. “Is that legal?”
“It’s their anniversary, dummy,” scowled Faramir.
“Oh!” Legolas vaguely remembered what that meant.
“You know,” said Faramir. “Everyone that came to the wedding comes again, it’s a big occasion where they celebrate them being married for a year now.”
“So give them a card,” said Legolas carelessly, turning back to his elf magic book. “Or better yet, let them do the work.”
“Legolas, they’re not going to throw themselves a party,” frowned Faramir.
“Why not? I do it all the time!” Faramir sat Legolas down and gave him the scoop on anniversaries. “It’s a very special time. Usually a surprise. There’s a big party and food…”
“Food?” interrupted Legolas, brightening. “Why can’t I have an anniversary?”
“Because you’re not married,” Faramir groaned. “You must understand, we need to throw a party for Aragorn and Arwen. But Eomer and I are very busy and probably can’t help very much.”
“Than who’s going to do it?” Legolas gasped.
“You!” grinned Faramir. “With the help of… of Gandalf!”
Legolas looked crushed. He hated hard work but decided such a huge responsibility would make him look good.
“It’s going to be a surprise, by the way, so don’t tell Aragorn or Arwen. Here’s the list,” Faramir handed him a list that looked longer than Legolas’s Santa Wish List. Legolas gasped but said nothing.
“Tootles! Better start today,” smirked Faramir, sauntering from the room. A thought suddenly struck Legolas.
“I don’t have any money,” he yelled at Faramir’s retreating back.
“For what?” asked Aragorn striding into the room. Legolas gasped and felt the tips of his ears grow red. He stuttered and stammered.
“Well, uh, I, uh, umm, Faramir sorta said, umm, ahem, well kind uh, you know…” Legolas broke out into a sweat.
“What are you talking about?” Aragorn said, looking curiously at the list in Legolas’s hand. Bam! Legolas turned the list into a necklace. Aragorn blinked but before he said anything, Faramir interrupted him.
“Oh, he wanted to go to the store and get some more makeup but ran out of money as usual,” he said casually, poking Aragorn and the two of them laughed.
“Shut up,” said Legolas feebly, wondering how anyone could lie so well.
“Well, go ask Gandalf, if you must,” said Aragorn, chuckling. A wide-eyed Legolas nodded.
“Got a lot of work to do,” said Faramir.
“Yep,” agreed Aragorn and the two strode off. Legolas collapsed on his bed, gasping for breath.
“He almost found out,” he gurgled. He sat up, turned the necklace back into the list and went to find Gandalf. As he was searching for him, he began to read the list. The first five or so looked simple.
“Paper plates (500)
Linen tablecloths (60)
Legolas nodded. “Piece of cake,” he grinned.
Legolas gasped. “I can’t do invitations!” he whined. “It’ll take too long.”
(1) 16 tiered cake, roughly in the shape of Minas Tirith
Hire a caterer
Hire a band
The distraught elf knew how hard it was to hire a band in Gondor.
Send invitations to Rivendell and Lothlorien
“No!!” howled Legolas at this command.
Clear out a clearing in the woods for party
Build dance floor
Legolas’s lip began to quiver.
Find or make 600 lanterns
Clean The Great Hall completely
Construct slide show of Aragorn and Arwen since they were babies
At this, Legolas burst into tears. The stress was too much for the poor little elf. Bawling, he bumped into Gandalf.
“What ever is the problem?” Gandalf looked worried.
“Th…this,” sobbed Legolas glaring at the evil piece of paper. Gandalf scanned the paper and then chuckled.
“Well you certainly have a lot of work cut out for you, don’t you?”
“I was hoping you’d help,” snuffled Legolas. “Because everyone else is busy and Gimli’s gone and…and…” a fresh sob broke in his throat. Gandalf reached in his pocket and pulled out a handful of money.
“Here, this’ll help you for now. Run along.” Legolas dragged himself away wondering how life could be so unfair.
The Shopping Trip
Legolas pushed and pulled 4 shopping carts through The Gap of Rohan, Middle Earth’s biggest shopping center. After much searching, he finally found the aisle with tablecloths. To his dismay, he found that there were only 18 matching tablecloths and he needed 60. “Hey you,” he said to a passing worker. “I need more tablecloths. I need…” He did some math. “…42 more.” The worker sniffed. “I sorry sir,” he said insincerely. “We do not carry that many at a time.” He walked away. “Incompetent fool,” snarled Legolas. He considered tripping the worker, but headed for the snack aisle instead. He rubbed his temples, but his migraine refused to leave. Tired of pushing the overloaded carts, he commanded a checker to guard them as he went to get the streamers.
“Let’s see,” the elf muttered to himself, drawing stares from shoppers. “Call, or email Elrond for pictures, get balloons, buy espresso for me…”
“Leggy!” Legolas looked up in horror as hurrying toward him was Arwen.
‘Honey, what are you doing here all by yourself?”
“Uhhh,” Legolas had no idea what to say. Suddenly he remembered when Faramir had lied to Aragorn. “I was getting more…makeup!” he gasped out triumphantly. Arwen nodded and then excused herself.
“Have fun!” she called. “I think there is a sale in Clinique!”
Legolas sighed in relief and went to look at wood for the dance floor.
Late that night, when Faramir, Eomer and Prince Imrahil were sitting in the kitchen eating a cake, a forlorn elf dragged himself in pulling 16 borrowed carts.
“Hey Legolas,” said Eomer cheerfully. “What’s up?”
“Like some cake?” offered Imrahil. Legolas ignored both of them and collapsed into a chair breathing heavily.
“What am I supposed to do with all this junk?” he growled gesturing to the carts.
“You can take them to my place,” suggested Imrahil.
“You can take them to your place,” snarled Legolas, feeling a twinge of pain in his lower back. “I’m going to bed,” attempting to spin his heel and stomp out of the room. Instead, his back almost went out. He limped to the stairs, regretting having his room at the highest level of Minas Tirith. He had begged Aragorn to let him take the up-most tower of Minas Tirith for privacy sake. No one else was on that floor and Aragorn and Arwen were a whole level beneath him. Nearly a half an hour later, he crawled up the final flight of the stairs and pulled himself up onto his enormously tall bed and then remembered he hadn’t washed his face and that his brand new face scrub was down on the first floor.
Invitations and the arrival
Legolas awakened to an obnoxious buzzing of one of his cell phones. He fell out of bed and smashed into a table before he lunged for it. “What?” he groaned. He was, after all, still half asleep.
“Sir, the dance floor is completed,” said an employee from Gondor’s Finest Wood.
“What about the rest of the stuff?” growled Legolas.
“Well, it’s not exactly done…”
“Hop to it or your pay will be cut!!” snarled the elf. He pulled himself up and began applying his makeup. He chose waterproof mascara because he knew it was going to be a hard day. A few minutes later, after making sure Aragorn and Arwen were safely out of the house, he began writing invitations at the long table.
“Faramir!” he yelled. Faramir appeared in the dinning room, bleary eyed from staying up so late the night before.
“I need a list of everybody that’s coming.”
Faramir scratched his head for a minute and then said, “Umm, ask Eomer. I have no clue where the list went.” Eomer didn’t know and so Legolas had to go through the directory.
“Good grief,” he muttered. “I’ve never even met these people.” He riffled through the pages to find someone he knew…and liked. Legolas decided to write the elves of the court of Lothlorien one invitation. He had a sudden thought and carefully penciled in at the bottom of the invitation, “Haldir may not attend.” Smirking he walked to the mailbox with a huge bag of envelopes. Now he could think a little better with Haldir out of the way.
…A few days later in Lothlorien…
“My lady Galadriel!” An elf rushed up to Galadriel, who was studying her mirror wondering how she could make it scarier.
“Hmmm,” she said absently. The elf waved an envelope. She looked up and eagerly snatched the note. Things could get a little boring in Lothlorien.
“Dear elves of Lothlorien and His Highness Celeborn, and Lady Galadriel,
You are cordially invited to Aragorn and Arwen’s 1s (here a blob of ink followed) anniversory (this was crossed out and replaced by the proper spelling) anniversary…”
“Oh, an anniversary!” cheered Galadriel. She continued reading.
“Please come in two weeks. There will be music, dancing, games and, of course, food.”
Galadriel frowned. “Did Legolas write this?”
‘We would be honored if all the Lothlorien elves would be present at this special occasion. Haldir may not attend.’
Galadriel sighed. “This must be Legolas writing this.”
The week before the anniversary, guests started trickling in. Elrond and the elves from Rivendell arrived at night and Legolas had them board in Osgiliath. Several Rangers came flitting from shadow to shadow bringing presents wrapped in black paper which the majority of them somehow resembled knives. Legolas thought they were kind of creepy. A few days after the Rivendell folk arrived, they got word that Galadriel and the Lothlorien elves were coming.
Legolas grinned. He wished he could have seen Haldir’s face when he heard he wasn’t invited. “Hoo-hoo!” he said, punching the air with his fist.
“O.K. here’s the plan,” he told Faramir and Eomer. “We are going to have Galadriel and her gang slink to Imrahil’s tonight and then appear tomorrow evening at the clearing, which still needs to be cleared out.” He checked his list. “Faramir, where do I get a ‘kingly robe’ for Aragorn and a ‘stunning evening gown’ for Arwen?” Faramir scratched his head. “Ummm, you can ask the royal dressmaker or shop at the boutique at the Fourth Level.”
“Why?” whined Legolas. “Why can’t Arwen wear a regular dress and Aragorn wear, oh, a normal cloak?”
“Because as I have told you, you may recall, this is a special occasion. Special clothing is needed,” replied Faramir.
“Whatever. Eomer, you do the shopping.” Legolas whizzed off, guffawing at the look on Eomer’s face when he found out that he had to shop for a dress. Suddenly, he ran into Prince Imrahil who looked distressed. “Legolas, there you are,” he gasped. “There is an elf that I can’t fit at my house. Can he stay with you?”
“Sure,” said Legolas agreeably. Maybe this elf would teach him some more spells so that if he saw Haldir again, he could turn him into a frog.
“He’s bringing his own sleeping stuff,” said the frazzled Imrahil. “I have to run. I forgot to go shopping for food and all the elves are hungry.” He ran off, nearly tripping on his cloak. Suddenly he stopped and turned around. “He’ll be here in 10 minutes!”
Legolas’s eyes widened and he rushed off to his room to clean it up. Make-up, clothes and books were hurled around the room, results from Legolas’s last temper tantrum. He ‘neatly’ stacked all the stuff in his closet and pushed his bed to one side to make room for the visitor. Now Legolas had a bed, which was ridiculously high, having mattresses beyond count stacked on top of each other. Legolas was very proud of his bed although he had to use a ladder to get to the top. In exactly 10 minutes, the bell rang. Faramir, seeing Legolas was still in his room, strolled to answer the door. Just as he was about to grasp the knob, Legolas came sliding down the banister and flung himself at the door. “Hello,” he started to say but suddenly saw the visitor. Legolas sagged against the wall, his complexion going pasty. Standing in the doorway, wearing sunglasses and a black cloak, was Haldir of Lothlorien. He pulled his glasses off and handed his cloak to a servant and then bowed to Faramir. Legolas found his voice. “Loser!” he screeched. “You weren’t invited! Why are you here?”
Haldir pulled several suitcases into the room and then reached into his pocket and drew out a note. He handed to Legolas. It read:
“Legolas, please allow Haldir to stay at your place. Prince Imrahil.” Legolas could not deny that it was Imrahil writing the note because of the Prince’s special seal. He jammed the note into his pocket and stomped off. When they reached the room, Legolas flung the only suitcase he helped carry across the room. Haldir winced, and then surveyed the room with a critical eye.
“This will have to do for now,” he sighed, straightening a picture frame, which held a picture of Legolas.
“What do you mean ‘this will have to do for now?'” snarled Legolas, forgetting his silent promise not to speak to his archenemy. Haldir ignored him and picked up a list that Legolas had written for the guest. He frowned. “I’m not allowed to come downstairs until tomorrow night?”
Legolas shrugged indifferently. “We can’t let Aragorn and Arwen see you, can we? I’ll try to remember to tell the servants to bring you food.” Legolas tried to look concerned with his other ‘important’ matters. “I have to fold napkins,” he said, wanting to leave the room as soon as he could. Haldir waved him away and set up a portable makeup stand. Grumbling, Legolas stomped down stairs. Why did his life have to be so difficult? He found Eomer and Faramir sitting at the kitchen table eating pastries.
“Why are you guys always eating?” Legolas asked irritably. He grabbed a handful of napkins and began attempting to fold them. Eomer looked up from where he and Faramir were playing “Hangman” and guffawed loudly before he could stop himself. He poked Faramir and gestured toward Legolas. Legolas was folding the napkins on a bizarre manner. Somehow, the currant napkin that Legolas was folding appeared to be in the shape of a mutated star. Looking closer, the two other men saw that there would be no possible way to unfold the napkin without totally ripping it. Faramir cleared his throat. “Uh, Legolas?”
“What?” snarled Legolas, twisting another napkin into an unidentifiable shape.
“Why are you folding the napkins like that?” Faramir but his lip to keep from laughing as Legolas produced a mangled heart.
“Why not?” growled Legolas. But before he could say anything, the door opened and in walked Aragorn and Arwen, their arms full of packages.
“Legolas, what ever are you doing with all those napkins?” asked Arwen, surveying the pile.
“Practicing origami,” said Faramir, beginning to put the groceries away.
“By the way,” Aragorn precariously stacked several cans on top of each other. “Tomorrow is me and Arwen’s first anniversary. Did you remember?” Faramir gasped, as did Legolas. Legolas fully expected Faramir to confess about the whole thing but instead, Faramir put a contrite expression on his face. “Wow, I’m really sorry. We had no idea.” Legolas was turning bright red at Faramir’s lie. Faramir glared at Eomer and Legolas for help.
“Exactly,” Eomer tried to look pained. “What will we do, Legolas?”
Legolas swallowed hard. “M…maybe we can, uh, go for a…a…a picnic tomorrow!” he gasped. “In the woods!” he cried, feeling proud of himself.
Faramir and Eomer nodded in agreement. Arwen didn’t look too thrilled about having to spend her first anniversary in the woods but before she could say anything, a crash sounded form upstairs.
“That sounded like it came from your room,” commented Aragorn. Remembering that Haldir was upstairs, Legolas giggled nervously.
“I, uh, guess I, uh, stacked my new, heh, heh, makeup too high. Got to make sure it’s not broken.” He slid out of his chair and hurried toward his room. Suddenly, he remembered Haldir might be hungry. He skidded back to the kitchen and grabbed a banana. He knew Haldir was allergic to bananas. Grinning devilishly, he raced upstairs to find Haldir standing in the middle of the room, tapping one foot impatiently. A bookcase lay in shambles about his feet.
“Haldir, you brat!” gasped Legolas bending to scoop up the books that were scattered about the room. “How dare you do that? This party is supposed to be a surprise!”
“Well, I had to get your attention somehow,” scowled Haldir. Legolas glared at his least favorite elf. “What do you what?” He turned his back and set to straightening his makeup on the counter.
“Food,” sighed Haldir. Legolas tossed him the banana and was pleased to see it land with a thump on the ground. “There’s your food, now be quiet.” Haldir tripped Legolas on his way out. “Guess I’ll have to go to the kitchen and find something eatable,” smirked Haldir.
“No!” shrieked Legolas. “O.K. I’ll get someone to get you something to eat.” He whizzed down stairs and caught a servant and instructed him to give Haldir some food but not to tell Aragorn and Arwen about the guest. After a strained meal, in which the diners were treated to bangs and smashing sounds from Legolas’ room, they played cards and then once Arwen and Aragorn had left for the night, Legolas set to work unpacking the crystal goblets, that were for the guests of honor (as in Legolas, Eomer, Faramir, Imrahil, other well known and important friends, and Aragorn and Arwen), and shinning them. Unfortunately, he dropped three.
“Good grief Legolas,” snarled Eomer, extracting a piece of glass from under the stove. “What is the matter with you?”
“Yeah,” growled Faramir, cross because he had cut himself. Legolas chose to ignore them and then realized that he, Eomer, Faramir were going to have to go without goblets because they were the only ones who knew Legolas had broke the cups.
“Darn,” he muttered under his breath. He broke the news to the other men. Eomer and Faramir looked crestfallen.
“I really wanted a goblet,” sulked Faramir, throwing the last piece of glass away. A resounding boom from upstairs brought them to their senses.
“Haldir!” gasped Legolas.
“Oh, that’s whose making all that noise,” scowled Eomer. “Legolas, tell him to shut up.”
“Legolas!” A yell came from Aragorn and Arwen’s bedroom. “Tell your makeup to knock it off!” Legolas rushed to his room and found Haldir sitting on a huge, oversize bed, which had obviously come out of one of his bags, looking extremely self-satisfied. A huge box, the result of the bang, containing Legolas’ hair-do books was smashed on the floor. Legolas rushed to pick up the books and then faced Haldir with fury.
“What are you doing?!” he howled. Haldir grinned the infuriating grin Legolas had come to despise.
“Getting you in trouble,” he chuckled.
“We can’t let Aragorn and Arwen know you’re here,” wailed Legolas. “Now cut it out. Where did you get your bed? I didn’t see you carry it in here,” he added with curiosity. Haldir waved a hand at a bag.
“My elven powers are stronger than yours,” he smirked. Legolas ignored him and stomped to the bathroom to change. Haldir guffawed loudly when Legolas stepped out in his pajamas.
“What?” snarled Legolas, marching over to his dresser to get makeup remover.
“Y…your p.j.s.” Haldir was laughing so hard he nearly fell out of bed. Legolas looked down at his nightwear. They were pink and blue striped with puffy yellow clouds floating around. Legolas’ name was embroidered in lavender around the arms. “What’s wrong with them?” Legolas growled, offended that Haldir did not care for him favorite pajamas. When Haldir replied only in giggles, Legolas instantly turned his blankets into a pile of snakes. Haldir screamed.
“Legolas, please!” came the shout from below. Legolas glared at Haldir who was muttering a spell to change the covers back to normal.
“You’re going to get me in trouble,” he whined. Suddenly, the floor that Legolas was standing on caved in. Legolas howled as he sank into a heap of wood and stone. He was gasping out his last words, when he realized that he was standing on solid ground…and Haldir was rolling with laughter. Infuriated, Legolas waved a hand and part of Haldir’s bed disappeared; Haldir crashed to the floor.
“Legolas! Knock it off!” yelled a voice.
“Sorry!” Legolas squawked as Haldir suddenly elevated him and hung him suspended in the air. “Let me down!” he gasped frantically waving his arms and trying to remember a spell that would help him. Haldir released him suddenly and Legolas fell onto a pile of luggage.
“Now, let me get some sleep,” Haldir rolled over and began to snore. Legolas had no intention of letting Haldir have a good night sleep. Wrinkling his brow, he remembered a spell and instantly turned Haldir’s bed into a bed of roses…with thorns. Haldir squawked and extracted a thorn from his arm. He glared at Legolas. “You are such a moron!” he yelled.
‘No, you are!” Legolas yelled back.
“Shut up!” screamed Haldir, going red in the face.
“Legolas!” shouted a voice from below. It was Aragorn. “Why does it sound like there are two of you up there?” Legolas gasped. Then he heard Faramir mumble something and Aragorn yelled back up. “Very clever with the voice talent!” Legolas cringed at the sarcasm. “Knock it off!” Aragorn bellowed.
“I…I’m trying,” yelled Legolas, lamely. Haldir gave him an evil grin and Legolas resisted the urge to punch him in the face. So he punched him in the stomach.
“I’m giving you one more chance and then I’m coming up there!” roared Aragorn after hearing Haldir’s squeal. Legolas finished washing his face and went to pick up his mirror. Oddly it turned into water and rushed through his fingers. He shot a glance at Haldir who appeared to be sleeping soundly. “Looks can be deceiving,” muttered Legolas. He grabbed a comb and turned it into a feather. Then he crept over and waved the feather in front of Haldir’s nose. Haldir sneezed violently and sat and slapped at Legolas.
“Loser!” he wheezed. “I am totally allergic to feathers. You know that.” Legolas chuckled and strutted to his bed, feeling very tired from all the magic he had done. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the climb up the long ladder to the top of his bed. Haldir opened one eye and observed Legolas’ laborious climb. Just as Legolas was about to scramble over the barrier, Haldir waved his hand and then steps of the ladder melted. Legolas crashed to the ground. Before Haldir has opened his mouth to guffaw, Legolas hurled himself at him and began beating him up. Angry footsteps sounded on the stairs and paused at Legolas’ door.
“It’s Aragorn!” squawked Legolas, pausing from where he was twisting Haldir’s nose. Haldir instantly muttered a spell and the bed and him disappeared…leaving a puddle of water. The door burst open and Aragorn stood there, clad in a bathrobe. His furious gaze turned to one of utter amusement. He pointed to the puddle of water (which had been moments ago Haldir) at Legolas’ feet. “Did you have an accident?” he asked trying not to laugh. To Legolas’ dismay, Faramir and Eomer peeked over Aragorn’s shoulder and howled with laughter.
‘Go away,” snarled Legolas, pouting.
“Please be more quiet,” scowled Aragorn, closing the door. Legolas stomped on the puddle of water furiously.
“Loser, loser, loser,” he growled. He looked down at the puddle. Haldir’s reflection appeared and then slowly materialized. Legolas knew Haldir would make his re-appearance most dramatic and he was right. Mist rolled and a dark voice from no-where rumbled in the distance. Echoes hissed around the room. Legolas rolled his eyes. “Would you cut it out? Or you can stay like that for all I care as long as I can’t see you.” He gave a final stomp onto the puddle and marched to his bed.
“Ouch,” Haldir emerged from the puddle with a footprint across his face.
He waved his bed back to existence and slammed around the room gathering pillows that Legolas had flung around the room in a fit of rage. Legolas finally reached the top of his bed without further interruption and then looked down. Haldir was curled up in his bed, humming an elvish song. Legolas grinned evilly. Haldir was the perfect target for a dive bomb. He gathered himself up and then leaped. Just as he was about to clear his bed, a cage appeared around his bed and Legolas smashed into it. To the elf’s dismay, his head was stuck between one of the bars. Haldir snickered and snuggled deeper in his bed with a sigh of contentment. Legolas groaned and wiggled his head but could not move. He glared balefully at the sleeping form of Haldir and attempted to make himself comfortable. Apparently, this was how he was going to spend the rest of his night
Legolas awoke the next morning with an incredibly stiff neck. To his mortal embarrassment, the cage had vanished during the night and he was just sitting up. Haldir rolled over and peered upwards, “Why are you sitting up, Legolas?” he asked, feigning ignorance. Legolas chose to ignore his sworn enemy and slithered down the ladder and shuffled over to the bathroom. He debated about getting dressed into his party clothes now but then decided it would be too conspicuous. He dragged himself downstairs where he half-heartedly asked a servant to feed Haldir. The grim faces of Faramir and Eomer greeted him.
“What’s wrong?” gasped Legolas, digging for something to eat. “Wait, did the clearing not get cleared out? Did the caterer get sick?”
“Worse,” gulped Faramir. Legolas paled. “D…did all the elves leave?” Eomer slowly shook his head. “Arwen is upstairs in her room and Aragorn is in the library, angry that we forgot their anniversary. They refuse to come downstairs and have requested that their dinner be brought up to them.”
“So?” Legolas was confused. “What’s so bad about them not coming downstairs? It’ll give us more time to prepare.”
“Legolas,” roared Eomer. “They’re not coming down at all. They’re going to miss their own party!”
Panic and Disaster
Legolas went weak in the knees. He blindly reached for some food and proceeded to stuff his face. “Ugh, blug, snarfle,” he shrieked. Eomer looked puzzled. “What?”
“I said we have to do something, dummy,” growled Legolas, swallowing. The three stared at each other and then yelled.
“This is horrible,” wailed Faramir, wringing his hands. For several minutes, the two men and the elf paced back and forth across the kitchen, Legolas snatching food at every available chance. He always ate when he was depressed or in a tight situation like now. When no one could think of anything, Legolas grew hysterical.
“What are going to do?” he howled. “That’s it, it’s over for me!” He tumbled to the floor. Faramir appeared dazed and Eomer looked sick.
“We can’t just give up,” Faramir finally groaned. Eomer nodded weakly. Legolas responded with a moan. Faramir squared his shoulders. “The show must go on,” he said dramatically. Legolas sniffled and dragged himself up. He wiped his nose on Eomer’s sleeve and turned to Faramir, his voice shaky.
“What will we d…do?”
“Continue as if nothing had ever happened. Then right after all the guests arrive in the clearing, we convince Aragorn and Arwen to go to the woods for the little picnic we talked about, tell them to wear their best clothing and ta-da!”
Eomer blinked and Legolas looked mildly hopeful. Faramir shooed them away to tell the servants that the party was still going because earlier, Eomer blabbed out that the party was off. Because of their jittery nerves, several disasters happened between that evening and party. The caterer delivered the massive cake in separate layers; it was up to the three men to put it together. Legolas locked the kitchen door and he, Faramir and Eomer spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to piece together the cake.
“This is the smallest layer,” said Legolas, waving a covered tray over his head.
“No, this is,” argued Faramir digging another piece out.
“Uh-oh,” gulped Eomer from the corner of the room where he was unpacking the cake.
“Eomer?” growled Faramir. “What did you do?” Eomer shamefacedly pulled a mutilated layer from behind his back.
“Eomer!!” howled Faramir. “Give me that!” Legolas found some icing in the cupboard and gave it to Faramir who attempted to fix the busted piece. In all the excitement, Legolas tripped and fell onto a piece of the cake. Faramir and Eomer stood in stunned silence for a moment, staring at the two smashed layers. Then they both looked at Legolas who gave a sheepish grin.
“Pretend that’s where the catapult landed, this is Minas Tirith before it was rebuilt!” Legolas was pleased at his brilliant idea. Faramir and Eomer just stared at him and them turned back to the cake. They were so busy squeezing the layers back into their normal shapes that they failed to see Gandalf standing at the doorway.
“Need some help there?’ he finally asked. Without another word, he zapped the cake with his staff and turned it back to normal.
‘Whew, thanks,” gasped Legolas, when they finally wrestled the layers into their correct order. They rest of the day was spent in a tizzy of trying to get the chairs and tables sent up in the clearing and Legolas and Haldir nearly collapsed their lungs blowing up hundreds of balloons. Several hours later, Legolas whizzed up to a frazzled Imrahil and asked how the decoration was going.
“We lost an entire box of lanterns, roughly about 200 lanterns. We are attempting to light candles in the trees.” From the gusts of smoke, Legolas could tell that the attempt was not successful. Half an hour before the party, Legolas, Faramir, and Eomer flew to their rooms to get ready. Legolas found Haldir sprawled across his bed, reading The Elf Enterprise. He looked up as Legolas hurled himself into the room and threw open his closet door to look for his party clothes. Haldir yawned and sat up. “Should I get ready?” Legolas considered telling Haldir to wait about two more hours so he would miss most of the party, but then just grunted. He found his party clothes draped over a hanger way back in the huge closet. He proudly laid his white tunic, which was embroidered with gold thread the Tree of Gondor and had in Elvish runes that said “I Love Legolas” running around his arms. He brushed his hair until it shone and then braided it in his special style. He pulled out a light blue tunic that complimented his eyes and tied it so that it hid his special tunic from Aragorn and Arwen. He turned to tell Haldir to hurry, but saw Haldir was done and already starting in his makeup. Legolas sniffed and swept into the bathroom to put on his own makeup. He tucked his silver crown in his pocket and then stared at the mirror. He was very pleased at what he saw. Without looking his direction, Legolas instructed Haldir to slip out a side door and hurry over to the clearing. Legolas then ran over to Faramir and Eomer’s rooms. They were both dressed like Legolas with their party clothes underneath plain cloaks. They met Imrahil in the hallway and then crept to the library where Aragorn and Arwen had been moping in all day. Trying to look nonchalant, Legolas opened the door and slid in. Aragorn looked up from where he was digging through the bookshelves and Arwen peered around a book.
“H…hey guys,” croaked Legolas, trying to sound calm. Faramir took over. “It’s time to go on the picnic we talked about yesterday!” he said brightly. Arwen sighed. “I’m not exactly sure if I’m up to tramping though the woods. What about you Aragorn?” Aragorn frowned and looked doubtful. Beads of sweat started to dot Faramir’s brow. “No really, it’ll be just us. We have a picnic basket made up already.” Arwen sighed and then shrugged. “All right.” She stood, ran her fingers through her hair. “O.K. I’m ready.” Eomer paled. “Aren’t you two going to get dressed nicely?” Arwen was wearing a faded, ugly brown dress and Aragorn had an age-old, pea green bathrobe over old pants and a paint stained shirt.
“No, we don’t have to since it’s just us.” Aragorn stuffed his feet into ragged, mud splattered boots. Faramir swallowed hard and Legolas tried not to panic.
“Excuse me,” he gasped. “I need some fresh air.” He bolted outside and then sank down to the floor. Suddenly Galadriel appeared. She was coming to see what the hold up was.
“Goodness, Legolas,” she said alarmed at the sight of the elf weeping. “What’s wrong?” Legolas gulped and then told her the whole story. Galadriel frowned. “This could be a problem. It may very well spoil the whole thing,” she added in her usual pessimistic manner. Legolas gave her a dark look. Galadriel ignored him and thought for a moment. “I think I’ve got it,” she said finally. “You send them out the way they are and take care of the rest. Run along.” Legolas nodded, and headed for the library wondering how he was going to explain this to Faramir, Eomer and Imrahil.
‘Come along,” he said, attempting to be cheerful. “Let’s go!”
“Are you crazy?” hissed Eomer in his ear. Legolas simply grinned slyly and hurried out. Aragorn and Arwen dragged themselves outside. There was a slight problem when Aragorn insisted in having the picnic in the opposite side of the original party area. Eomer cleared his throat and threw the other men a desperate look. “I really think that over there would be much better,” he said, waving frantically in the direction of the clearing. Aragorn shook his head belligerently.
“No, there’s no clearing over there. It would be much more convenient to picnic over there.” After much arguing, Aragorn and Arwen finally relented and shuffled over. They were at the edge of the clearing, when Galadriel popped out from behind them and waved her hand. Arwen’s shabby dress suddenly changed to a beautiful, crimson gown and Aragorn garb change to a kingly outfit. Legolas beamed and gave Galadriel a high five. Galadriel gave him an odd look but high fived him anyway. As soon as Aragorn and Arwen stepped into the clearing, the place burst into cheers and shouts. The candles were simultaneously lit and a sparkle of lights lit the clearing, courtesy of Gandalf. Aragorn’s jaw dropped and Arwen nearly fainted.
Legolas looked around at the long tables loaded with food, the balloons swaying in the breeze and the beautiful white and gold (it was made specifically to match Legolas’ party outfit) banner that said “Happy First Anniversary!”. Everything was perfect, except Haldir. Legolas growled at the sight of him leaning on one of the tables Legolas had personally set up and drinking out of a cup that Legolas had himself bought. “Forget it,” he told himself. “Haldir does not exist tonight.” He took a deep breath, made himself forget that Haldir was there and whizzed over to introduce himself to a Ranger who was asking about who did this wonderful job. Quite a while later, Imrahil yelled for everyone to go to the main hall where they would witness some amazing fireworks, curtsey of Gandalf, cake and speeches. Everyone rushed to get a good seat. A raised platform was in the center of the top level of Minas Tirith. Aragorn and Arwen were lead to it and Legolas, Faramir, Eomer and Imrahil gathered around. Aragorn spoke first:
“I want to thank everyone for coming and for our hard workers.” He went on to talk about something Legolas thought was rather pointless. Then Arwen spoke for about three seconds before she burst into tears of gratitude. Then Aragorn began to speak again and then started thanking Faramir and Eomer for their hard work. Legolas couldn’t stand it any longer especially when Faramir and Eomer started ‘humbly’ receiving the thanks without mentioning Legolas and jumped up, waving his hand high.
“I want everyone to know that the main coordinator was…” he paused dramatically, “…me!” A dead silence followed and Legolas turned pink. Then Aragorn applauded and so did everyone else. Legolas beamed and waved to the crowd, blowing kisses. After everyone had settled down, it was time for the slide show. A huge white screen had been set up and Legolas flew to operate the laptop that would start the slide show.
“Welcome to Legolas’ evil tricks!” boomed Legolas’ voice from the computer. “This splendid production is narrated by Legolas. In just a moments, you will witness Legolas at his best.” A chuckle went up from the audience. Legolas frantically pushed buttons but to no avail. Evil letters appeared on the screen: “Eomer’s Date Disaster” they read. Legolas turned pale and Eomer gasped.
“So that’s what went wrong,” he choked. Legolas frantically hit “F10, ESCAPE, ENTER, BACKSPACE” to try and stop the show. Finally, he pulled the plug. He re-booted the computer and found the right program. The credits went by and the show started. The first picture was of Aragorn and Arwen when they were very, very young. They were holding hands and Aragorn had dirt smeared across his face and Arwen clutched a worm in her grimy hand. “Together from the beginning” the caption read. The audience guffawed. Aragorn turned red. Another picture show Aragorn yanking Elrond’s hair and Arwen standing off to the side giggling. Pictures of Aragorn falling in a mud puddle, a little Arwen kissing Aragorn flashed by. The captions were hilarious especially the one where little Aragorn’s hair appeared to had been singed off and charcoal smeared his face. Arwen was gazing adoringly at him. The caption read, “Love at first fright.” After the show, Gandalf set off the firecrackers. They were amazing and showed pictures of people. Legolas was humiliated when a particularly large firecracker shot off and showed Legolas sucking his thumb. After the firecrackers, Imrahil announced that everyone head to the great hall where they would be served cake. The cake received many ooohs and aaahs and Legolas was relieved when no one saw the dent on the corner of the sixth layer that he had made attempting to sample the cake. The guests apparently were having such a blast, that it wasn’t until an un-earthly hour did they go home.
“We’ll do the clean up,” volunteered Arwen.
“No, we will,” said Legolas halfheartedly, hoping Arwen would insist that she and Aragorn would clean up.
“O.K.!” beamed Arwen and left. It was a dismissal group they left behind. Imrahil gazed with amazement at the huge pile of dishes in the sink and the pots, pans, and bowls on the counter. Not to mention the 97 goblets that were piled precariously near the sink.
“Gosh, how did you guys make this mess?”
“I have no idea,” Legolas gazed mournfully at the piles. “Faramir,” he began weakly. “You take the first shift in washing, Eomer, you’ll rinse and me, Imrahil and Haldir will dry. Then we’ll switch and Imrahil washed, Haldir rinses, and the rest of us will dry.” Everyone was too tired to complain about the rather unfairness that Legolas didn’t do anything but dry. By the time the dishes were done, everyone was so exhausted, they all considered just camping out here in the kitchen. But thoughts of soft beds prevailed and they began the tedious climb. Legolas, who was in the front, dragged himself up while everyone else hung onto his legs and struggled up. They were nearly up the flight, when Legolas’s hand suddenly slipped and he slid with a thump to the very bottom. Everyone else followed.
“Legolas, you are the biggest dummy ever,” wailed Eomer, rubbing his head.
“Yeah,” echoed Faramir feebly. The rest groaned and began toiling back up the stairs. After several attempts, they finally reached the top of the flight. The three men dispersed to their rooms but the elves still had several more flights to go. Dawn was creeping over the mountains when Legolas and Haldir trudged into their room. Legolas was too tired to crawl up to his massive bed so he curled up in a corner with a blanket and a pillow. Haldir was too tired to be mean to Legolas so the two got a reasonably good sleep. It wasn’t until late that afternoon did they wake up. Elrond met them in the hallway.
“What a wonderful party!” he exclaimed. “Could I possibly get you guys to do a surprise birthday party for Celeborn?” His question was greeted with dead silence and blank stares.