Legolas’ Inbox: Trouble Brews
By: KeeperofEowynsSword

Summary: A peek at Legolas’ inbox! Rated PG-13 due to a suggestion from this site.

A/N: This story is disclaimed. I’m debating whether or not I should continue with this. That depends on whether you readers like it or not. If you do, try to find the time to write a review so I can start writing more! If I offend anyone with this, and I don’t see how but you never know, then I am really sorry and this was written purely for fun, and inspired by Lady of Imladris’ Aragorn’s Inbox and Klose’s Galadriel’s Inbox. If anyone else has posted a Legolas’ Inbox then I haven’t seen it. I hope you all like this ‘story’!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Help!

Legolas,
I need your help. My father is throwing a party. If the call for help has not explained itself in the last sentence, let me educate you. My father (Glóin, as you might recall) has a tendency to supply lots of mead at his parties, whether they are “formal gatherings” or not. As you can imagine, this leads to drunk, unconscious Dwarves littering the palace the morning after. Do you have any ideas how I can worm my way out of attending the party? It’s in two weeks.
-Gimli

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Please help me!

You’ve known Elladan and Elrohir longer than I have. Therefore, you must have some idea of how to deal with them (because it’s too much to ask how to tame them). The reason I am typing this is because they are paying a weeklong visit to Gondor, which is bound to be infested with practical jokes of all nature, humiliating me everywhere in front of everyone. Do you have any ideas to keep me alive during their visit? It’s in one and a half weeks.
-Strider, Aragorn, Estel, you pick which

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I LUV U!

LEGOLAS! OMG i got ur email adres!!!!! u r SOOOOOOOOO HOT!!!! can u go out w/ me? plez? i luv u so much!!!!! u r the best warier of tha felloship!!!!!!!! like, plez go out w/ me!!!!!!!!!!! luv Danielle ur #1 fangurl!!!!!!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Read this immediately

Legolas,
If Estel has e-mailed you recently then don’t answer him or read the e-mails, okay? We’ll explain after we return from Gondor- we’re leaving in a few days.
See you,
Elladan and Elrohir

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: CALL ME!!!!

LEGOLAS YOU ARE SO SEXY! GO OUT WITH ME! MY PHONE NUMBER IS 817-302-4114! CALL ME!

Love, Alexandria

P.S. I LOVE YOU!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Thanks!

Thank you so much for offering to come to Gondor with Gimli. I need your protection. This is great, now we have the Three Hunters vs. The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin Estel’s Life. I am eternally in your debt.
Most sincere thanks,
-Strider (you did pick Strider right?)

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Are you sure about this?

Legolas,
Are you sure that it’s a good idea to assist Aragorn in the war against (hold on, let me find the copy and paste feature) The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin Estel’s Life? I doubt that it will be good for my Dwarven image when I come back as a waterlogged, paint-covered Dwarf with his beard chopped off. Insurance doesn’t cover even the most severe pranks, you know. Then again, it will get me out of the Lonely Mountain so I can miss my father’s party. The other Dwarves will probably be too drunk to notice the state that I come back in from my trip. Maybe it is a good idea after all.
-Gimli

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Have you gone mad?

Dear Legolas,
Estel told me you were coming to his aid sometime next week. I have one question for you: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!? You honestly do not know what my brothers are capable of. They’ve pulled every joke in the book, including ones that are rated NC-4,000. They’ll even go as far as to soak your bed sheets (no matter what material they’re made out of) with freezing cold water before you go to bed. It’s happened. To me. Beware: lock your doors at night. May the Valar protect you.
Sincerely,
Arwen

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Be mine!

My dearest Legolas,
Over the months I’ve tormented myself- never able to tell you how I feel, to express my feelings and emotions in a letter to you. But now, the angst is over- I know your e-mail address!
Here are my deepest thoughts:
Your eyes light up my world.
The Sun itself must stream unceasingly upon your face- ever is youth and beauty there.
Oh Legolas, I would go on, forever, but my insolent brother desires the computer, and my father has granted his request. I love you, Legolas. Please, be mine. I would never betray you.
Love,
Crystal

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: 40% off all cruises to the Grey Havens!

Hurry! That time of year is swiftly waning- 40% off all cruises to the Grey Havens! From there, if you desire, an additional 20% off all ships to Valinor! Make haste and book a trip- this offer will be gone in 30 mortal days!

Society of Special Elven Offers

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Beware

Legolas,
Arwen spilled the beans. We hope that as the prince of Mirkwood you have a healthy insurance because you are going to need it!
See you,
Elladan and Elrohir

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I’m really sorry!

Dear Legolas,
I told Elladan and Elrohir that you were going to help Estel. They changed my e-mail password and wouldn’t tell me what the new one was. (It turned out to be PornLover.) You can see why I had to bribe them.
Sorry,
Arwen

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Marry me!

Legolas, Legolas, Legolas! Just hearing your name makes me smile and my heart skips a beat. I love you, in case you haven’t noticed. Please marry me- the first step is to respond and pledge your undying love.
Sincerely,
Kendall Tyler

To: Legolas Elladan and Elrohir Arwen Aragorn Lord Elrond Lady Galadriel King Thranduil Lord Celeborn
From: haldir@lady’sguard.org
Subject: Forward

Hi all,
Pretty good forward that my brother Orophin sent me. Ilúvatar alone knows it’s purpose, but it should be fun. Copy and paste the questions onto another e-mail, type the greeting of your choice, and answer the questions and send it along.

1. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? How to Deal When the Movies Want You Dead by Dead Elf Number 4,548.
2. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Lembas.
3. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? No time to think, I have to report to the guard.
4. ARE YOU AFRAID TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not really, I guess.
5. STORMS: SCARY OR COOL? Entertaining, especially when you get to watch your brothers scream like women after sneaking up on them and screaming in their ear.
6. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER? Peter Jackson Wants YOU Dead- a really scary horror movie by the way.
7. HOW MANY PALANTÍRI DO YOU OWN? Three, one each for me, Rúmil, and Orophin, but we never answer when it rings.
8. HOW MUCH FAN MAIL HAVE YOU RECEIVED THIS WEEK? 4,708 letters and counting- they’re clogging up my inbox! Beware of any e-mails from the domain ‘fangurlz.net’. Arwen, Galadriel, you too need to watch out for e-mails from ‘[email protected]’.
9. DO YOU LIKE TO RIDE FAST ON A HORSE? Yes, what’s the point otherwise?
10. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)? Green, brown, and silver.
11. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No… what kind of question is that?
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG? Kill the Director, performed by Dead Elf Number 4,808.
13. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND? Nope. But I’ve heard rumors about some Éowyn chick- anyone know her e-mail address?
14. WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED WEAPON? Bow, obviously.
15. HOW OLD ARE YOU? Tolkien never recorded my age so I forgot it; maybe a little older than Legolas perhaps.
16. DO YOU GET A LOT OF E-MAIL? Yeah, three-fourths of it is spam and/or letters from terrifying, sick fan girls.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? Hunting Orcs.
18. SAY ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. He doesn’t have a twin.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Water, fresh from the river.
20. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Yes, my two brothers Rúmil and Orophin.

-Haldir

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hot, sexy singles in your area!

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To: Legolas Gimli
From: [email protected]
Subject: One slight problem

You are in trouble. Elladan and Elrohir found out about your visit. It would be a good idea to bring a crash helmet and wear it often- remember, this is for your own safety. Legolas, I’m sure Arwen warned you about keeping your doors locked at night (it’s probably best to lock them during the day too)- did she tell you about the bed sheet incident? Gimli, the bed sheet incident was when our two darling twins soaked her bed sheets with freezing, ice-cold water right before she got into bed. This was back in Rivendell, before I was born, so I never saw it, but just the thought… ugh. Bring a crash helmet! Have a healthy insurance! Remember, this is for your own protection!
-Aragorn

NO FURTHER MESSAGES

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