Legolas' Inbox by KeeperofEowynsSword
LegolasÂ’ Inbox: LegolasÂ’ Replies to Trouble Brews
By: KeeperofEowynsSword
A/N: In my letters from crazy ‘fangurlz’, I apologize if your name was used and you felt offended. I just picked random names, and that is what I will continue to do. I’m sorry if any of the formatting in this story is a bit off, especially since this is my first story on ff.net.
Alright, here are the replies to Chapter One! Chapter Three will be up soon.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Help!
Legolas,
I need your help. My father is throwing a party. If the call for help has not explained itself in the last sentence, let me educate you. My father (Glóin, as you might recall) has a tendency to supply lots of mead at his parties, whether they are “formal gatherings” or not. As you can imagine, this leads to drunk, unconscious Dwarves littering the palace the morning after. Do you have any ideas how I can worm my way out of attending the party? It’s in two weeks.
-Gimli
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Help!
Gimli,
I donÂ’t have any solution at the moment. When I think of one, IÂ’ll e-mail you back.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Please help me!
YouÂ’ve known Elladan and Elrohir longer than I have. Therefore, you must have some idea of how to deal with them (because itÂ’s too much to ask how to tame them). The reason I am typing this is because they are paying a weeklong visit to Gondor, which is bound to be infested with practical jokes of all nature, humiliating me everywhere in front of everyone. Do you have any ideas to keep me alive during their visit? ItÂ’s in one and a half weeks.
-Strider, Aragorn, Estel, you pick which
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Please help me!
Strider,
Yes, thatÂ’s right, I pick Strider. Thank you so much for sending me that e-mail! Now I know how to get Gimli out of going to a party and help you at the same time! Me and Gimli will come to Gondor and try to protect you from the twins. (Try, because weÂ’ll most likely fail). I could use a vacation. My dad has been really crabby recently. Something to do with Dorwinion. Apparently they refuse to send us more than 50 bottles of wine a day. DonÂ’t tell him I said that and donÂ’t repeat it unless you want my head cut off.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: A solution
Gimli,
I have an idea. You and me will go to Gondor in one and a half weeks to assist Estel. His brothers are paying a visit to Minas Tirith and he needs protection. This should get you out of going to the party.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I LUV U!
LEGOLAS! OMG i got ur email adres!!!!! u r SOOOOOOOOO HOT!!!! can u go out w/ me? plez? i luv u so much!!!!! u r the best warier of tha felloship!!!!!!!! like, plez go out w/ me!!!!!!!!!!! luv Danielle ur #1 fangurl!!!!!!
Legolas doesnÂ’t reply. He pukes.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Read this immediately
Legolas,
If Estel has e-mailed you recently then donÂ’t answer him or read the e-mails, okay? WeÂ’ll explain after we return from Gondor- weÂ’re leaving in a few days.
See you,
Elladan and Elrohir
Legolas doesnÂ’t reply. He grins wickedly.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: CALL ME!!!!
LEGOLAS YOU ARE SO SEXY! GO OUT WITH ME! MY PHONE NUMBER IS 817-302-4114! CALL ME!
Love, Alexandria
P.S. I LOVE YOU!
Legolas doesnÂ’t reply. HeÂ’s too busy vomiting into the nearest trash barrel.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Thanks!
Thank you so much for offering to come to Gondor with Gimli. I need your protection. This is great, now we have the Three Hunters vs. The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin EstelÂ’s Life. I am eternally in your debt.
Most sincere thanks,
-Strider (you did pick Strider right?)
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Thanks!
Strider,
I picked Strider. STRIDER. S-T-R-I-D-E-R.
Your welcome. The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin EstelÂ’s life, huh? CouldnÂ’t you have just typed TTTSPFHREL? Wait, scratch that. ItÂ’s just as complicated.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Are you sure about this?
Legolas,
Are you sure that itÂ’s a good idea to assist Aragorn in the war against (hold on, let me find the copy and paste feature) The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin EstelÂ’s Life? I doubt that it will be good for my Dwarven image when I come back as a waterlogged, paint-covered Dwarf with his beard chopped off. Insurance doesnÂ’t cover even the most severe pranks, you know. Then again, it will get me out of the Lonely Mountain so I can miss my fatherÂ’s party. The other Dwarves will probably be too drunk to notice the state that I come back in from my trip. Maybe it is a good idea after all.
-Gimli
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Are you sure about this?
Gimli,
Of course it is a good idea. From the sound of it, anythingÂ’s better than going to one of your fatherÂ’s parties. And youÂ’ve already ruined your Dwarven image- how many Dwarves boast of companionship to an Elf? The answerÂ’s simple: THEY DONÂ’T. They donÂ’t want to be within a 100-mile radius of us. And weÂ’re only too happy to oblige. TheyÂ’re the ones who violated the unspoken rule first, remember? With Bilbo?
Yeah, I see what you mean about the copying and pasting. I used it too.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Have you gone mad?
Dear Legolas,
Estel told me you were coming to his aid sometime next week. I have one question for you: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!? You honestly do not know what my brothers are capable of. TheyÂ’ve pulled every joke in the book, including ones that are rated NC-4,000. TheyÂ’ll even go as far as to soak your bed sheets (no matter what material theyÂ’re made out of) with freezing cold water before you go to bed. ItÂ’s happened. To me. Beware: lock your doors at night. May the Valar protect you.
Sincerely,
Arwen
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Have you gone mad?
Arwen,
NC-4,000?! Okay, now I am having serious doubts about my state of mind when I told Aragorn IÂ’d comeÂ… but I have to. I canÂ’t just abandon him in his time of need.
Soaked sheets? Ugh. I will lock my doors at night, and during the day too.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Be mine!
My dearest Legolas,
Over the months IÂ’ve tormented myself- never able to tell you how I feel, to express my feelings and emotions in a letter to you. But now, the angst is over- I know your e-mail address!
Here are my deepest thoughts:
Your eyes light up my world.
The Sun itself must stream unceasingly upon your face- ever is youth and beauty there.
Oh Legolas, I would go on, forever, but my insolent brother desires the computer, and my father has granted his request. I love you, Legolas. Please, be mine. I would never betray you.
Love,
Crystal
Legolas does not reply. He has now filled up three buckets with vomit and is working on a fourth.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: 40% off all cruises to the Grey Havens!
Hurry! That time of year is swiftly waning- 40% off all cruises to the Grey Havens! From there, if you desire, an additional 20% off all ships to Valinor! Make haste and book a trip- this offer will be gone in 30 mortal days!
Society of Special Elven Offers
Legolas does not reply.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Beware
Legolas,
Arwen spilled the beans. We hope that as the prince of Mirkwood you have a healthy insurance because you are going to need it!
See you,
Elladan and Elrohir
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Beware:
Elladan and Elrohir,
IÂ’m going to kill Arwen.
I do have a healthy insurance. I bet IÂ’m worth more than you are. Besides, youÂ’re going to need the money.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: IÂ’m really sorry!
Dear Legolas,
I told Elladan and Elrohir that you were going to help Estel. They changed my e-mail password and wouldnÂ’t tell me what the new one was. (It turned out to be PornLover.) You can see why I had to bribe them.
Sorry,
Arwen
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: IÂ’m really sorry!
Arwen,
I was going to kill you but now IÂ’ve changed my mind.
PornLover? What have those two been doing online lately?
And BTW, you shouldnÂ’t keep have a password that says aragornsmyman. ItÂ’s kind of obvious.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Marry me!
Legolas, Legolas, Legolas! Just hearing your name makes me smile and my heart skips a beat. I love you, in case you havenÂ’t noticed. Please marry me- the first step is to respond and pledge your undying love.
Sincerely,
Kendall Tyler
Legolas doesnÂ’t reply. He stares, astonished, at the computer screen, and then snaps himself out of it and moves on.
To: Legolas
From: haldir@ladyÂ’sguard.org
Subject: Forward
Hi all,
Pretty good forward that my brother Orophin sent me. Ilúvatar alone knows it’s purpose, but it should be fun. Copy and paste the questions onto another e-mail, type the greeting of your choice, and answer the questions and send it along.
21. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? How to Deal When the Movies Want You Dead by Dead Elf Number 4,548.
22. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Lembas.
23. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? No time to think, I have to report to the guard.
24. ARE YOU AFRAID TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not really, I guess.
25. STORMS: SCARY OR COOL? Entertaining, especially when you get to watch your brothers scream like women after sneaking up on them and screaming in their ear.
26. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER? Peter Jackson Wants YOU Dead- a really scary horror movie by the way.
27. HOW MANY PALANTÃRI DO YOU OWN? Three, one each for me, Rúmil, and Orophin, but we never answer when it rings.
28. HOW MUCH FAN MAIL HAVE YOU RECEIVED THIS WEEK? 4,708 letters and counting- they’re clogging up my inbox! Beware of any e-mails from the domain ‘fangurlz.net’. Arwen, Galadriel, you too need to watch out for e-mails from ‘[email protected]’.
29. DO YOU LIKE TO RIDE FAST ON A HORSE? Yes, whatÂ’s the point otherwise?
30. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)? Green, brown, and silver.
31. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? NoÂ… what kind of question is that?
32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG? Kill the Director, performed by Dead Elf Number 4,808.
33. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND? Nope. But I’ve heard rumors about some Éowyn chick- anyone know her e-mail address?
34. WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED WEAPON? Bow, obviously.
35. HOW OLD ARE YOU? Tolkien never recorded my age so I forgot it; maybe a little older than Legolas perhaps.
36. DO YOU GET A LOT OF E-MAIL? Yeah, three-fourths of it is spam and/or letters from terrifying, sick fan girls.
37. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? Hunting Orcs.
38. SAY ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. He doesnÂ’t have a twin.
39. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Water, fresh from the river.
40. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Yes, my two brothers Rúmil and Orophin.
-Haldir
To: Elladan and Elrohir
From: [email protected]
Subject: Fwd: Forward
Hi all,
Pretty good forward that my friend Haldir sent me. Ilúvatar alone knows it’s purpose, but it should be fun. Copy and paste the questions onto another e-mail, type the greeting of your choice, and answer the questions and send it along.
41. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? Improve Your Perfect Archery Skillz by Sirithros (Flowing Foam)
42. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Lembas.
43. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Where is my bow? Or sometimes its ‘what mood is my father in today?’
44. ARE YOU AFRAID TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? IÂ’m mortally afraid of fangirls. I donÂ’t make a habit of asking women out.
45. STORMS: SCARY OR COOL? I donÂ’t care.
46. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER? Haldir dragged me along to see Peter Jackson Wants YOU Dead. ItÂ’s kind of stupid if you havenÂ’t been murdered by him yet.
47. HOW MANY PALANTÃRI DO YOU OWN? My dad has one but he says I canÂ’t have my own yet.
48. HOWMUCH FAN MAIL HAVE YOU RECEIVED THIS WEEK? 238,432,748,293,758,435 letters and counting.
49. DO YOU LIKE TO RIDE FAST ON A HORSE? Of course I do, who doesnÂ’t?
50. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)? Green.
51. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? IÂ’m insulted.
52. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG? My Bow and Me, by Belethriel (Fading garlanded maiden)
53. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND? Nope.
54. WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED WEAPON? Bow, obviously.
55. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 2,931. I can remember my age, unlike some other people.
56. DO YOU GET A LOT OF E-MAIL? Yeah, three-fourths of it is spam and/or letters from terrifying, sick fan girls.
57. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? Archery and hunting Orcs.
58. SAY ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. HeÂ’s a formidable archery opponent.
59. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Water, fresh from the river.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? No. J.R.R. Tolkien would have said so otherwise.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hot, sexy singles in your area!
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Legolas doesnÂ’t reply.
To: Legolas
From: [email protected]
Subject: One slight problem
You are in trouble. Elladan and Elrohir found out about your visit. It would be a good idea to bring a crash helmet and wear it often- remember, this is for your own safety. Legolas, IÂ’m sure Arwen warned you about keeping your doors locked at night (itÂ’s probably best to lock them during the day too)- did she tell you about the bed sheet incident? Gimli, the bed sheet incident was when our two darling twins soaked her bed sheets with freezing, ice-cold water right before she got into bed. This was back in Rivendell, before I was born, so I never saw it, but just the thoughtÂ… ugh. Bring a crash helmet! Have a healthy insurance! Remember, this is for your own protection!
-Aragorn
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: One slight problem
Aragorn,
I had packed the crash helmet before you e-mailed me (I like to pack early).
Yes, Arwen did tell me about the bed sheet incident.
I have a very healthy insurance, as I already told your darling siblings. I bet itÂ’s bigger than theirs. HA!
-Legolas
P.S. Why does your e-mail address have to be so long? It takes forever to type. Why canÂ’t it just be [email protected]?
NO FURTHER MESSAGES
A/N: Lol, I loved doing the replies! All of you who reviewed, thank you so much! I know it sounds corny but every one of them made me smile.
