Legolas' Inbox by KeeperofEowynsSword
Legolas’ Inbox: Replies to After Gondor
A/N: In my letters from crazy ‘fangurlz’, I apologize if your name was used and you felt offended. I just picked random names, and that is what I will continue to do. I’m sorry if any of the formatting in this story is a bit off, especially since this is my first story on ff.net. As always, review if you want more!
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: We were so close!
I canÂ’t believe how close we were to beating The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin EstelÂ’s Life! I should have known they had another wicked trick up their sleeveÂ… but I honestly wasnÂ’t expecting to open the banquet hall doors and have several gallons of water and a few buckets fall on my head! That was terrible. Arwen actually thought it was funnyÂ… but then a day after you and Gimli left, the twins stole all of her clothing that they could find and hid it. I guess it was revenge for helping us paint their horses. Anyway, they were just found by a servant. Guess where they were? Strewn across the branches of the highest tree in Minas Tirith!
How is GimliÂ’s beard doing?
-Strider
P.S. Elladan and Elrohir left last night, sometime after I had gone to bed. Unfortunately, that gave them enough time to steal all the roosters they could find and place them in the royal bedroom. I never want to have another morning like that again.
P.P.S. I like my long e-mail address.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: We were so close!
Strider,
Which banquet are you talking about? Water managed to get poured on your head during every one of them. But I think you mean the one the night before we left, right?
Wow, what time did the roosters wake you up? IÂ’m glad I wasnÂ’t there.
Poor Arwen. So she had to wear the same clothing for more than a day? IÂ’m really glad I wasnÂ’t there.
-Legolas
P.S. Do you think Elladan and Elrohir have gotten the paint off of their horses yet?
P.P.S. Your e-mail address will be the death of me.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: My beard
Legolas,
I should never have let you talk me into aiding Aragorn. Do you realize that now that the twins have chopped my beard off it will take years to grow back? Blasted Elves. That was low even for them! If I had been awake at the time I would have murdered them!
As it turns out, the Dwarves were all sober when I got back. Or at least sober enough to notice that I had only two inches of beard left. I am now the laughingstock of the entire Lonely Mountain.
How come you got off the hook so easy? All they did to you was hang your quiver on a flag pole above the Tower of Ecthelion!
I am never letting you plan a vacation for me again.
-Gimli
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: My beard
Gimli,
First of all, it wasnÂ’t a vacation. You knew we were going to be helping Aragorn. Besides, Elladan and Elrohir only chopped off your beard because you hacked off their warrior braids. And you couldnÂ’t have murdered them if you tried, and even if you did succeed you would have a very mad Elven lord on your hands.
Second of all, my quiver being hung on the Tower of Ecthelion doesnÂ’t exactly constitute as being let off the hook so easily. I mean, eventually I got it back down, but it wasnÂ’t very fun to be perched on the roof of this tower we speak of while trying to untangle a quiver full of arrows. And a couple of them fell from the roof. I was unable to locate one of them.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Need a fangirl?
Hi hottie,
Do YOU need a fangirl? or two? or three? Are you sick and tired of having no fans? Fangurlz.net has taken the liberty of compiling a Top Ten list of female candidates for your lover/fangirl. Here they are:
10. Daniella
Species: Human
Age: 17
Eyes: Deep, pure blue with gold flecks
Hair: Stunning, shoulder-length, wavy, golden
9. Crystallina
Species: Human
Age: 16
Eyes: Emerald green that turn black when danger approaches
Hair: A flooring, waist-length, straight, midnight black
8. Legolina
Species: Elf (Silvan)
Age: 2,911
Eyes: Large, sorrowful, a beautiful violet color
Hair: Perfect, wavy, floor-length golden with tasteful silver streaks
7. Estella
Species: Human
Age: 19
Eyes: Startling gray, withholding secrets of her Dark Past
Hair: Radiant, curly, flaming red
6. Vanessa
Species: Half Elf (Sindarin), half Human
Age: 22
Eyes: Intelligent, wary brown
Hair: Shoulder-length, wavy, auburn
5. Silmarillia
Species: Elf (Noldorin)
Age: “Older than the skies above us”
Eyes: Bright, piercing silver
Hair: Chest-length, straight, raven black
4. Jacquelina
Species: Human
Age: 15
Eyes: Pure, deep, large, sea-colored blue
Hair: Shoulder-length, perfectly thick, wavy brown (with golden highlights)
3. Amarië
Species: Elf (Sindarin)
Age: 2,930
Eyes: Inquisitive, knowledgeable, beautiful green, harboring secrets of her Abusive Past
Hair: Knee-length, faultless, straight, silver
2. Jade
Species: Human
Age: 24
Eyes: Fathomless black
Hair: Flowing, wavy, darker-than-midnight
And our number one pick isÂ…
1. IerhÃrilantaessemelnacalenlas
Species: Elf (Noldorin/Silvan/Sindarin)
Age: “Older than the world itself”, yet not too old for our favorite prince!
Eyes: Perfect green/faultless blue/blinding silver/flaming gold/midnight black/auburn-flecked-with-emerald
Hair: The most beautiful golden color ever to grace Middle-earth/the most beautiful midnight black color ever to grace Middle-earth
So hurry and take your pick! E-mail back when you have chosen and we will have your choice descend from the clouds into Mirkwood/Lothlórien/Rivendell at the soonest date!
-Fangurlz.net
Legolas doesnÂ’t reply. HeÂ’s too busy trying to decide whether or not to burst out laughing or become sick again.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Be rid of Pesky Fangirls!
Are YOU sick and tired of having Pesky Fangirls™ following you around? Are you tired of Pesky Fangirls™ dropping out of the sky and swooning at your feet? Well now you can be rid of them! All you have to do is follow these simple steps:
1. Whatever you do, DON’T get a girlfriend. This will result in her untimely death faster than you can say “I love you”. If anything, this encourages more Pesky Fangirls™ to appear in the nearest Elven land.
2. Point the other way. “Prince of what? Legolas who? No, I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of him… I look just like him? Hmm, that’s odd. Well, maybe you can try finding him in… erm… Lothlórien… I believe he went there to visit recently…” This method works on the least knowledgeable Pesky Fangirls™ who will believe that there is a Legolas look-alike somewhere in the world, because “all Elves are really hot and have blonde hair and blue eyes except for Aragorn’s girlfriend and that Elrond guy!”
3. Avoid clearings/rivers in any forest. That is where the Pesky Fangirls™ will most likely appear.
4. NEVER LOOK INTO THEIR EYES! If you do so, you will immediately fall under their spell. They have the power to seduce at first sight.
5. Never believe their Story of Their Tragic Past. It is a wicked, tricksy, and false lie on their part to make you sympathetic for them! In other words, it is another way to get you to love them!
6. And finally, for your own safety, never hesitate to kill any woman, whether it be Elf, Human, or half Elf/Human that falls out of the sky/appears out of nowhere/seems to attract large numbers of fluffy animals.
We hope this helps you keep the Pesky Fangirls™ to a minimum.
With best regards,
The Exterminators of Pesky Fangirls™
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Be Rid of Pesky Fangirls!
Exterminators of Pesky Fangirls,
You have no idea how helpful this guide is to me. I am constantly being plagued by these menaces of evil.
-Legolas
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: (none)
LEGOLAS! O M LIKE G I HAVE YOUR E LIKE MAIL ADDRESS! YOU ARE SO LIKE HOT! I LOVE YOU! I HAVE SO MANY POSTERS OF LIKE, YOU! ON MY WALL! AND OR LIKE LANDO TOO! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE LIKE BEST! OMG LEGO LIKE LAS PLEASE E-MAIL ME LIKE BACK!
~~~~~~~~~~CLAR LIKE ISSA~~~~~~~~~~
Legolas canÂ’t exactly reply to an e-mail when heÂ’s doubled over laughing his head off now, can he?
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Elladan and Elrohir
Prince Legolas,
If my sons attempt to e-mail you, inform me of this offense. I have grounded them and taken their Internet privileges away from them. I am terribly sorry for the pranks they have played.
Lord Elrond
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Elladan and Elrohir
Lord Elrond,
Good. I thank you for their grounding.
-Prince Legolas
P.S. I think your e-mail address is a little vain.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Gondor
Legolas,
Did you ever get your quiver down from the tower? Is GimliÂ’s beard growing back? Is Aragorn finally dry? Has Arwen gotten all her clothes back yet? Lol, we didnÂ’t exactly stay to find out.
Our dad grounded us. So donÂ’t tell him that we e-mailed you.
See you,
Elladan and Elrohir
P.S. What kind of paint did you use on our horses? It wonÂ’t come off!
Legolas doesnÂ’t reply. He turns right around and types the following e-mail to Lord Elrond.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Your sons
Lord Elrond,
Elladan and Elrohir e-mailed me today.
Since they wanted to know what kind of paint is on their horses, please tell them that you have to wash the object coated with paint fifteen times.
-Prince Legolas
To: Legolas
From: [email protected]
Subject: u r so hot
i luv u all coz u r all so hot i am trying 2 decide who i like better coz ur all really hot and i luv u all there are 20 billion posters of u guys on my wall i want u all 2 come over and do meÂ… lol, a big favor by all going on a date w/ me come on guys u know u want 2.
-lexi
Legolas doesnÂ’t reply. He crosses his fingers and fervently prays that Lexi chooses Haldir, Elladan, or Elrohir.
To: Legolas
From: haldir@ladyÂ’sguard.org
Subject: Forward
Hi all,
Copy and paste this onto a new e-mail, answer these questions, and send them to the person who sent it to you and everyone else you know. The point is to learn useless facts about your friends. Once again, Orophin sent this to me. Rúmil just got his e-mail address.
1. ARE YOU A PSYCHO? Of course not!
2. WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU HAVE? I am on the LadyÂ’s guard.
3. WHOÂ’S YOUR FAVORITE SINGER? This hot personÂ… whatÂ’s her nameÂ… BritneyÂ… Britney Sears? No, not SearsÂ… something along those lines anyway.
4. WHO ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF? Peter Jackson. You never know when heÂ’s going to decide to kill you.
5. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? One horse.
6. IF YOU SAW THE ONE RING ON THE GROUND WOULD YOU PICK IT UP? No. IÂ’d page Frodo on the PalantÃr.
7. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Dead Elf Number 8,342. He writes a really touching series called The DirectorÂ’s Fury: How to Deal When P.J. Wants You Killed.
8. WHATÂ’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF ANIMAL? Horses and birds.
9. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN JEALOUS BEFORE? Yes, when I was killed in the movies and my brothers werenÂ’t. Why do they get to stay alive?
10. HAVE YOU EVER DOUBTED YOURSELF BEFORE? I refuse to answer soul-searching questionsÂ… wait, I just answered Number 9Â… and 4Â… and 1Â… well, IÂ’m not answering this one!
11. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LOW? SomeoneÂ’s been listening to too much Kelly Clarkson.
12. IF YOU COULD SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY AND TO WHOM? I’d say to Peter Jackson: “Aren’t you satisfied by killing so many Elves that they had to take a number? STOP KILLING ELVES! AND ME! I LIVE! I AM ALIVE! GOT THAT? UNDERSTAND ME? I AM ALIVE AND KICKING!”
13. HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN HATE MAIL TO ANYONE? No, I donÂ’t have Peter JacksonÂ’s address yet.
14. WHO IS YOUR WEIRDEST FRIEND? Well, actually, I have 3: Elladan, Elrohir, and Estel. I donÂ’t know if youÂ’ve ever watched them alone for a few hours but let me assure you that no piece of furniture is safe from being a site of intense battleÂ… no, not that way you perverts!
15. DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION THAT YOU WANT ANSWERED IMMEDIATELY? Yes, two as a matter of fact. Why was I killed in The Two Towers, and what is GlorfindelÂ’s e-mail address?
16. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF FANGIRLS? They are evil menaces bred in Mordor as SauronÂ’s secret weaponÂ… before he died anyway, but they still live! Curse them!
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE? Lothlórien, obviously. My flet is really cool too, I have all these pictures of Britney Sears (?) on the trees.
18. HOW MANY PARTIES HAVE YOU BEEN TO THIS YEAR? 34, my favorite being the one where a certain brother of mine got completely trashedÂ… I donÂ’t know what he did but he ended up being slapped by this Elf woman about 57 times.
19. WHICH ARM IS YOUR GOOD ARM? Eh, I can use both for lots of different things. ItÂ’ll come in handy if one of my arms ever gets chopped off.
20. ABOUT HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO FILL THIS OUT? 5-10 minutes, tops.
-Haldir
To: Elladan and Elrohir
From: [email protected]
Subject: Forward
Hi all,
Copy and paste this onto a new e-mail, answer these questions, and send them to the person who sent it to you and everyone else you know. The point is to learn useless facts about your friends. Haldir sent this to me. His brother Rúmil just got an e-mail address.
1. ARE YOU A PSYCHO? I will be soon if I keep receiving letters from obsessed fangirls!
2. WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU HAVE? IÂ’m the Prince of Mirkwood, does that count?
3. WHOÂ’S YOUR FAVORITE SINGER? HÃril-o-lúva – she has this really good song called “The Worst Thing Is, You Missed One Shot Out Of One Hundred”.
4. WHO ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF? Fangirls. They stalk me.
5. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? One horse.
6. IF YOU SAW THE ONE RING ON THE GROUND WOULD YOU PICK IT UP? Yes (Elves donÂ’t get seduced by it, remember?). IÂ’d hand it right back over to Frodo.
7. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Lintelúva (Swift Bow). She writes very helpful books on handling, cleaning, etc for your bow.
8. WHATÂ’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF ANIMAL? Horses and birds.
9. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN JEALOUS BEFORE? Yes, when Gimli managed to beat me in the Orc-slaying competition. I swear he cheated.
10. HAVE YOU EVER DOUBTED YOURSELF BEFORE? NoÂ… well, yes, actually, until I realized that Gimli cheated!
11. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LOW? What kind of question is that?
12. IF YOU COULD SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY AND TO WHOM? I would tell Haldir to calm down about the Peter Jackson thing.
13. HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN HATE MAIL TO ANYONE? Nope.
14. WHO IS YOUR WEIRDEST FRIEND? Haldir, Estel, Elladan, and Elrohir. Haldir because heÂ’s obsessed about Peter Jackson killing him, and Estel, Elladan, and Elrohir becauseÂ… well, you have to know them well to understand what IÂ’m getting at.
15. DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION THAT YOU WANT ANSWERED IMMEDIATELY? No, but I have an answer: Haldir, Lord GlorfindelÂ’s e-mail address is [email protected]
16. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF FANGIRLS? To quote Haldir: they are evil menaces bred in Mordor as SauronÂ’s secret weaponÂ… before he died anyway, but they still live! Curse them!
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE? Mirkwood is only slightly ahead of Lothlórien and Fangorn.
18. HOW MANY PARTIES HAVE YOU BEEN TO THIS YEAR? 59, my favorite being the one where Orophin got wasted on the wine from DorwinionÂ… I heard he got slapped by an angry Elf maiden. What did he try to do to her? Actually, you know what? I donÂ’t want to know.
19. WHICH ARM IS YOUR GOOD ARM? I can use both, but I wield a sword with my right hand.
20. ABOUT HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO FILL THIS OUT? About 7 minutes.
-Legolas
NO FURTHER MESSAGES
A/N: Gotta love Haldir and the forwards! HÃril-o-lúva is the Elvish equivalent to Lady of the Bow. Lintelúva means Swift Bow. Movie Legolas uses his right arm for his sword, I believe. I remember seeing a poster of him holding the blade with that arm, so thatÂ’s why I put it down in the forward.
Responses to Reviewers:
pipsgirl: Hehe, thanks for the review (and the compliment).
wilderwein: Well, here’s more.
RachieAchie: Thanks! Lol, “for the good of the fan fiction fans”.
AiaGreenleaf: I read your Legolas’ Inbox- it was very good!
lego-luva: I love Haldir’s forwards also. Unfortunately, they’re what got me kicked off of FanFiction.Net in the first place. Here are the responses you wanted!
Varawiel_elf_princess: Wow, your penname is a mouthful at first!
Elvishstar: Ooh, I like your pseudonym. I hope you liked this chapter!
Alassea_the_drow: Thanks! I’m glad you liked it.
Nuavar~Lily~Lorin: Interesting penname, lol. ~ (Those are so cool!)
merry2: Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter.
LadyGrey: That’s such a pretty name… Although it did make me think of a Gandalf/Éowyn pairing. *shudders*
StarOfTheDunedain: Lol, did you say anything was funny?
EldarExilePrincess: Yup, every other chapter will have Legolas’ replies.
_Isilwen: Thanks for the compliment!
Misfit: Wow, I’m glad you gave a long review! Those types are my favorite, lol, because they offer more advice/criticism.
Hehe, I particularly liked The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin Estel’s Life too!
I also love to read… I’ll read my brother’s Sports Illustrated For Kids if there’s nothing else. Or I’ll stare at an ad for however long it takes me to finish my meal.
Well, I have written more, and I hope you enjoyed Legolas’ replies to After Gondor.
BigAl93091: The PornLover thing was a tribute to LadyofImladris’ Aragorn’s Inbox on FanFiction.Net.
striders_star: I also like the parts with Haldir in them. ^_^
Midnightlego13: I’ve written some more already, but I haven’t actually composed any new chapters for close to a year. Shame on me!
agent_elrond_006: Ah, another Bond fan! Hehe, my favorite Bond is Pierce. Did you hear that they’re thinking of using Orlando Bloom to play James Bond in the movie about his younger days?
arwen_loves_rivendell: Wow. Caps lock, much? Lol.
LadyGreenleaf_of_Mirkwood: Hopefully you found this chapter humorous!
mysticdog100: Yup, you’re right, this is Anolinde from FanFiction.Net.
ladyofimladris: I think Haldir’s forwards got it removed because they were too much like lists for FanFiction.Net’s liking.
Speaking of that site, I hate how you can’t make any @ or _ marks anymore. It’s SO annoying.
Do you ever update Aragorn’s Inbox anymore?
AnarielofMirkwood: Well, now you know what (my take of) Legolas’ e-mail is like!
ImmortialOne: Lol, here’s the ‘more’ that you so eloquently requested. 😉
Miruviel: I agree- The Secret Diaries are hysterical, even though I’m not really into slash. I don’t mind short, one-shot stories where the slash is only implied, but that’s about it.
TarayandowanTinuviel: Rolling On The Floor Laughing With Tears In My Eyes… The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin Estel’s Life… I dunno, it’s a pretty close call! Lol.
monasua: *blushes* Thanks!
foshpickle~greenleaf: I’m happy that you thought it entertaining!
ilovedolphins_2003: Well, no one actually knows what Legolas’ real age is. Peter Jackson gave the estimate as 2,931, which I use here. I think it’s pretty cool that it coincides with the year Aragorn was born.
Kippin: *bows* Lol, thanks!
LOTRrrules: I hope you liked this chapter… I do believe I will be making more!
By the way: your pseudonym? So true.
Lady_Alcare: I love doing the fangirls’ e-mails. They’re so easy to make fun of- it’s great!
julie08: Oops, sorry for making you choke! I swear, I didn’t mean to! But my ego is happy that you found it that funny. 😀
eleanora: I thank ye kindly!
savvy1188: Lol, savvy! I love that word. One of the students in my school wrote ‘Savey?’ on her locker. It was, in short, quite disgusting.
As you see, I have continued with the visit to Gondor, and I hope you enjoyed it!
andalkariel: Well, ladyofimladris (here and on FanFiction.Net, I believe) has Aragorn’s Inbox, and if you do a Google search for Galadriel’s Inbox you’ll find an excellent (Silmarillion-based) one.
I’m not promising anything. In truth, I would like to finish this one before starting yet another story (and I don’t know when Legolas’ Inbox will be complete).
Lol, I suppose you’re a Boromir fan? Boromir is awesome. I hate it that ninety-nine percent of the fangirls portray him as a sexist, chauvenist pig.
My favorite scene with him was either when he tried to save Merry and Pippin, or when he claimed Osgiliath for Gondor.
Elf_Maiden24: Well, now you know what’s happened!
Greenleaf_is_MINE: Lol, I’m guessing you’re just a tad bit interested in Legolas? 😀
elvenmaidofmirkwood: Thank you. 🙂
IrishDancingLOTRLover: Yes, I can imagine Legolas’ inbox going over the e-mail limit due to the preternatural persistency of Fangurlz.Net!
arwen_not_eowyn: I don’t recall why CoE suggested this to be PG-13. I believe I changed the relevent wording, but I’m not sure, so I’ve kept it at this rating.
his_lady_in_bree: Are you referring to Aragorn with that penname, or Butterbur? 😀
Menegroth: I will keep your words in mind and attempt to vary the fangirls’ letters. Thanks!
Shire~Maiden: Thank you for the compliment!
DymondOfLongCleeve: Well, I’ve written more. 🙂
legolas_thranduilion500: Hehe, I am rather proud of this story… usually I suck at humor.
SayenElfJedi: Ooh, your penname is like one of mine! So you like Star Wars also? Lucasfilm just announced that Star Wars: Episode Three is going to be called ‘Revenge of the Sith’. I swear, I’m going to be sobbing my eyes out when [avoiding spoilers] dies.
Mrs_Frodo_Baggins12: Thanks very much!
ElrilyendeNaira: Wow, thanks. I can only hope that was sincere, because I love writing, and if I suck, then that’s a problem. ^_^
The fangurlz I love also, in addition to Haldir’s forwards.
Cavalia: Actually, someone else (AiaGreenleaf) published one here shortly after I did. It’s very good! And then ladyofimladris has Aragorn’s Inbox, and doing a Google search for Galadriel’s Inbox produces a very funny one by Klose.
Although you are right. I searched for Legolas’ Inbox right before I first posted this and found no others.
Elvish4ever97: I just PMed you back. Lol, you sent it, I believe, on the eighteenth of July. I’ve been rather delayed with checking my mail.
Eowyn_HorseJoy: Here are the replies you wanted!
EowynChica: Lol, I admit to also copying and pasting Haldir’s forwards to e-mail to my friends (although I change the answers, of course, lol). I’m glad you appreciated this story to the extent of showing it to your friends!
TO ALL OF MY REVIEWERS: I really, really want to apologize for the lack of updates. I’ve been very busy with gymnastics (three days a week), karate (the two days in between gymnastics), and schoolwork (although this is no excuse for the summer). And, I admit, I haven’t been going to this site recently, for one reason or another.
But now I’m back, with a new theme too! (The White Tree, if anyone cares). So I’m going to make an honest effort to update more often, although I can’t make any promises now that school’s coming back, with tons of homework fast upon it’s heels.
Thank you all so much for being so patient! Had I been a reader, I would have given up a long time ago. Can you believe the first chapter went up in November of 2003?
