Legolas' Life Chapter 1 by crazyelvenfangirl
Disclaimer: Tolkien owns everything but the fangirls. And the babysitter. But he owns everything else. The fangirls and the babysitter are MINE!!!! heh heh heh…. oh, never mind.
King Thranduil looked down into the cradle of his newborn son with a look of disgust on his face.
“WHAT in the name of ERU ABOVE is that SMELL?!?!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “This boy smells WORSE than a MOUND of ORC SHIT in the SUMMER!!!”
Thranduil was not a morning person. Neither was he an afternoon, evening, nighttime, daytime, in-between-time, breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time, supper time, dessert time, snack time, tea time, high tea time, low tea time, or even elevensies time person these days. He had been perpetually cranky since Legolas, his only son and heir, was born eighteen months before.
For those of you who don’t know or care how many years that is, that’s a year and a half.
Anyways,since Legolas’ mother had died shortly after childbirth, the task of catering to every one of the child’s capricious whims (except, obviously, for the early-on feeding) fell squarely upon Thranduil’s shoulders. See, the palace was being renovated (termites…), they had to temporarily lay off some of the staff, including the nannies. Legolas’ sisters were no help, because they were both off for fostering on the care of Lord Elrond. So, the short-and-short of this is, there was no one but Thranduil who had enough time to look after the boy. He had not gotten a wink of sleep since. Neither had Thranduil.
Sighing, the High King of Mirkwood changed his squirming princeling’s diapers. He carried the dirty one out to a distant shed, holding the diaper in two fingers and the other hand clamping his nose shut.
Once inside the shed, he went to the pile labled *BIOLOGICAL WARFARE WEAPONS; FOR USE IN CATAPULTS*. That done, he turned to go, pausing at the door to carefully relock the seventten padlocks and adjusting the sign, which someone had turned around. It read *Weapons shed; the stuff in here is DEADLY so keep out all elf children and ESPECIALLY YOU, ELLADAN AND ELROHIR!!! These weapons are to be used only in the Mirkwood campaigns against the evils dwelling on Mirkwood, NOT for throwing at Thranduil or Elrond!!!!*
“Damn fangirls, can’t leave us well enough alone! Why these stupid authors have to keep dumping them HERE, I’ll never know…” muttered Thranduil. His grumblings carried him all the way to the house.
Upon his return, he discovered that Legolas had, once again, gotten into the severely depleted sugar supply. The elfling was racing around one of the upper levels of the palace. Thranduil sent for help.
Ten minutes later, the heavily armed squadron of guards found Legolas on the fourth story balcony/rampart. They gave chase.
An hour and a half later, the sugar started to wear off, so Legolas thought it would be fun to see how far he could jump. Off the parapet. With this height, he could probably clear those guards running frantically to the safety of the castle!
The guards that had not yet collapsed from exaustion screamed and fainted.
Laughing, the adorable little elf hopped off the bush he had landed on and headed staright towards the mob of marauders approaching the castle. Stopping just in front of the gathering of demons, he stared up at them, with his wide blue eyes blinking innocently and his golden hair slightly tousled. Legolas knew that trick always worked on his father.
“Will you play with me?” he asked the first of the deadly throng, his lower lip trembling evr so slightly.
“Of COURSE we will, you sweet little thing!” gushed the devil he was talking to. Smiling malevolently, it reached down and picked the poor princeling up in its hideous, pink, claw-like hands.
The fangirls had come.
And they had Legolas in their wicked clutches.
TO BE CONTINUED…
54 Comments
That’s a cute story! Please write more!
I love it! I just love it! XD hehehe legolas forever dot dot dot HES LEG LESS!! hahah ^_^
have a great day sayonara
~Uchiha Hitomi
I LOVE the story line… but I would like a few more chapters please!!! I can just see young legolas… *sighs then falls off chair* ahem… could you PM me if you put up a new chapter please???
thanx
-Arya
This is not really a “reveiw” but oh well:
YOU…MUST…WRITE…MORE!
Can I be a nice fangirl? This story is so funny! Don’t stop writing it!
Great Chapter!!! I love the way you pointed out that elven children probably do need sleep… until they’re ten or so, was that ten years of men or ten elven years? Just wondering…
-Arya
He he…Biological Warfare…he he *runs into wall* *collapses on floor then continues laughing*
Wow!!You are a really good writer.I hope you keep writing.I really love your story.
PS:this is my first review!!!
OMFG!!! Are you sure you’ve never written before? I mean this DEFINTALY falls under PWP, but I haven’t laughed that hard for months! PLEASE continue writing!!!
Um, very wierd. Do you really think fangirls existed when he was that young? It is a very wierd story. I’ll just say that.
HEHEHEHE! yay….btw, what in Mordor is PWP?!?!?!?! And technically, only the first chapter is my first.. i got better (or worse, depends on whether or not you like my stuff ^.^) … and yes, OF COURSE THERE WERE FANGIRLS BACK THEN!!!!!!!!!!! I will explain in the fourth chapter (IF the 3rd one EVER gets up…)
Oh god, not a DWARF!!! This is a catastrophe! Yet, it has a very interesting twist. I love it, baby!
You have GOT to keep this up!!! I could never write anything this good in a million years. Unless it was poetry, i which case, I could layeth the smacketh down on ANYBODY, but I digress. Dfinatly one of the best PWP’s I’ve ever come across.
That was totally hilarious!!! I love it!!!!! I just absolutely love it!!!!! Oh man, and I’m gonna have to show this to my boyfriend andsee what his reaction! Sidenote: he has virtually no facial expression, this ought to be interesting.
This is funny, but stop with all the interuptions.
I like it. would you gon on with it?
*retriving jaw from floor* a dwarf wow what a plot twist *jaw dropps again*
Good story, don’t stop! I have a troop of my private soldiers here to lend help to he security if you need it 😉
Cool plot twist!!! I love your style of writing. True demented humor! That’s my favorite kind of humor! Please come down from the ceiling decoration and WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!
~El
I have Friday off this week, so i PROMISE i’ll add at LEAST 1 new chapter for all of my fanfics!!!! ^.^ *sniffle* YAY PPL HEART MY FICS!!!!! Hang in there yall….
LOL very funny! please keep writing!
They are actually really good! i dont usually review but, uber good, u get MAJOR bonus points 4 the nappy thing!! Keep writing!
Merry Christmas,
Gilraen
NyahahahaHAAHAAHAA!!! *falls out of chair laughing, then explodes*
i think by now you can come down from the ceiling decoration and continue the story!! i want more!!!
could you stop with the narrator fangirl fight thing please it kind of gets confusing and it s kinda stupid
the rest of the story is good
*sniffs haughtily* well I think the narrator thing is funny, but if most of YOU don’t, i guess i’ll stop. AND I PUT THE CHAPTER UP LIKE A WEEK AGO, IT JUST HASN’T GOTTEN IN YET!!!
Sir Ummmm demands that you get off the ceiling decoration. His herald is getting impationt…
“…The protector of Italian virginity, I give you, Sir UUUUUULRICH VOON LICHTENSTEIN!!!”
Sir Ummmm demands that you continue the narrator interruption.
Awesome chapters. I can’t wait till you update again. And can i have an identity too?
It could be really good if you didn’t use the “colorful” language.
It could be really good if you didn’t use the “colorful” language.
Hey, GREAT story, quite entertaining. I love the funny bits when you add all the extra people. It keeps it interesting, so please keep writing!!
Oh yeah…I think I found your Sir Ulrich….*points to a dude running away into the distance, his armor clanking*…you might wanna watch him a bit more carefully…lol
By the sounds of it, Fan girls started fancing Legolas before he even reached adolence… poor thing
more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more more
*hugs crazyelvinfangirl* Oh pwease oh pwease write more!!! PWEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASE???
Yay! I love your story! Baby Legolas is so CUTE! Please, please, PLEASE write more!!!
You have to continue! This is so funny, I was laughing outloud! Please, please, please update faster! This is such a great story!
Interesting story…..Um…..where is it going?
Oh and btw, the authors voice is a really good thing!
That was hilarious! Funny! Hah! It could use somee longer chapters though.
Girl, you’re awesome. This story made my day. When’s the update? kinda overdue, wouldn’t ya say? I’m waiting! 🙂
Incredibly funny! I can’t wait to read the next chapter.
I liked it but I didn’t get one part. I can’t wait for the next!
Very nice. Creative about the make up. You might want to cut a little down on the out of character parts but the are very ingenious. Keep up the ggod work!
dear, sweet fans, I LOVE YOU!!! *mad huggles for everyone* i am very sorry, but i am trying to put up ch. 6 but the admin wont let me… ill try agian tomorrow… TA!!!
ARG i am so very sorry i have not updated…my computer crashed and i lost everything i was working on…*sniffle* give me another week or two–i PROMISE i’ll have another chapter AT LEAST of EVERYTHING up by christmas!!!!!!
very cool
hillarious! please, please, please, please keep writting! i don’t want it to end here!
odd… funny…. different from what I have been recently reading so it was very nice to read.
Well,crazyelvenfangirl,I grant you my mercy.Please type more chapters!!!I beg you!!!
write more!And pleas,could you read my Legolas in the Fourth Age FanFic and review it,please?It was you’re story that inspired me to do it and–NO!!!BAD DENNIS,THIS MEANS 3 HOURS IN THE BOX!Dennis:But I don’t like the box!
Girl you are a genius! You are a comical phenomenon!
Hmmm will Tiroin or what ever his name is get mobbed by the Fangirls on the way to Mirkwood
or what?
Inquiring minds want to know…
or at least a few Northwood Elves would.
Oh and they do read English better then the
Elves in your story…
So when will the next chapter be up hmmm?
Peace,
Rev. Cat.
I am reading! May I please I have some more? Pleeeease?
SARAH