Lord of the Lampshades by x_arwen_x
Yeah I came up with Lord of the Rings
*Nose begins to grow*
I did!
*Nose grows longer*
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Three Chandeliers for the Elven-Kings under the sky,
Seven Tiffany Styled shades for the Dwarf-Lords in their halls of stone,
Nine Chinese Lanterns for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One Barbie Night Light Cover for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Lampshades were made.
One Lamp Shade to rule them all, One Lamp Shade to find them,
One Lamp Shade to bring them all and in the shade bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shade lies.
Frodo sits beneath a tree, trying to figure out a way to have a thumb war with himself. He hears Gandalf’s off-key singing, winces, then looks up.
Gandalf: The road goes ever on um, uh…..
Frodo runs towards his carriage, trips over nothing and lands in a heap in Gandalf’s arms.
Frodo: You’ve had a haircut!
Gandalf stops the carriage
Gandalf: A wizard never has his hair cut, Frodo Baggins. Nor does he just let his hair grow longer and longer. It grows precisely as long as he means it to.
Frodo looks utterly confused. Gandalf looks at Frodo and begins to laugh. Frodo, thinking Gandalf is laughing with him, laughs too.
Frodo: It’s wonderful to see you Gandalf!
Gandalf: What do you mean see me? I don’t disappear and reappear like your uncle.
Frodo again looks confused. He sits besides Gandalf in the carriage as they drive through some poor hobbit’s garden, knocking over several garden gnomes in the process.
Frodo: What news of the outside world? Tell me, Everything.
Gandalf: Everything? My name Gandalf not Everything.
Gandalf begins muttering to himself trying figure out a way that Frodo could have been switched with a Took at birth.
Gandalf: Ohh! You’ve thrown me a “Welcome Back” party.
Frodo: It’s Bilbo’s 111 birthday party, Gandalf.
Gandalf: I knew that.
Gandalf looks disappointed. He hunts in his robes for a gift to give Bilbo and pulls out a half-eaten packet of chewing gum.
Frodo: Before you came along we Bagginses were worse thought of than Tooks.
Gandalf: Indeed?
Frodo: Never had any sense or did anything worth doing.
Gandalf: If you’re referring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely involved. All I did was give your uncle a little nudge out of the door.
Frodo looks confused again and pulls out his script. He begins sounding out the word “the” on the cover. Gandalf pulls the script away from him, and notices SG LOVES RC on the back.
Frodo: Whatever you did you’ve been labeled a disturber of the pie.
Gandalf: Peace.
Frodo gives him the Vulcan sign, thinking it’s the peace sign. Gandalf sighs. Frodo jumps of the carriage and waves to Gandalf, who drives past the sign that says no entry, and into Bag End stops in front of the gate on double yellow lines. He walks up to the door and knocks it with his staff. Door opens and a very angry hobbit stares at Gandalf.
Angry Hobbit: Yes?
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!
Angry Hobbit: You’re the second one this week! He’s next door.
Gandalf goes next door and knocks on the door
Bilbo: No thank you! We don’t want any more visitors, well wishers, washing powder samples or distant relations.
Gandalf: What about Mormons?
Bilbo: Is that you Frodo? You haven’t lost your key, have you?
Gandalf: It’s me Bilbo. Good to see you! One hundred and eleven years old –who would believe it? You haven’t aged a day.
Bilbo open his mouth to say the same, but changes his mind and closes it again quickly.
Bilbo: Tea? Or there might be the remainder of Frodo’s chocolate milkshake lying around.
Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.
Bilbo: Ah right. You don’t mind if I have it, do you?
Gandalf: Oh no, not at all.
A sharp knock on the door and a woman’s voice is heard
Lobelia: “Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins!”
Bilbo throws himself towards the wall, hiding.
Bilbo: I’m not at home!
Gandalf: I’ve not got the wrong house again, have I?
Bilbo looks at Gandalf utterly confused a look that seems to run in the family.
How will the party go? Find out in the next chapter!
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PLEASE REVIEW!
I don’t mind if you say you hated the lot of it.
Please (if possible) tell me your favorite (and least favorite bits).
Thank you!
(If you’re wondering were the rest has gone I put it in the next chapter, so at the parts would be shorter and I can post chapters up weekly).
30 Comments
I loved it!
‘A wizard never has his hair cut’
I love that! Post more, please!
Loved it loved it loved it!!!!! PLEASEEEEEE WRITEEE MOREEEE, good job no awsome job no WONDERFUL JOB!!!!! Please p.m. me to tell me when you write more!!!!
LOL! That’s brilliant! More, more!
Yay! Is very cool, write more!!!
I like the idea of the lampshades and I thought some of it was very funny. It has nice touches (I patricularly like the SG loves RC bit). It is perhaps a little long but it did make me want to read more. I know it takes a lot of courage to put something you have written where people might be critical so go for it whatever anyone says.
I LOVE THIS!!!!! this is 1 of mah new fav. fanfics…. KEEP IT COMING, PLEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *clasps hands together and begs for 7 hours straight* pleezpleezpleezpleezpleez………………..
cool… I LOVE the story line and how it is one of those parodies that has the EXACT script with a few tweaked words to turn the story into a parody… but, um.. where is the lampshade mentoned in the first chapter??? juz wondern… thanx…(I WANT MORE CHAPTERS!!!!!!!)
-Arya
Good Job!!!! I love this story!!! Please P.M. me to tell me when the next chapter will be up. Once again Awsome job. Keep up the good work. : ) : D
This is great! Please write more!
YEAY!!!!!!! there is a lampshade now!!! but uh, could you tell me one of those 6 words for lipstick in elvish? is it Sindarin or Quenyan? Quenyan would make more sense, because it is older… juz wondern…
thanx…
-Arya
lovin’ the confused looks that seem to run in the family… and the fact that gandalf dosen’t seem to mind the unconscious orcs that are lying around all over Isengard…
more chapters please!!!
thanx
-Arya
PM ME
I guess that you figured out that Nazgul is one of those words like sheep or deer where it can be either plural or singular… juz makin sure…
PM ME
thanx
-Arya
Shadewraiths! Lol. I love this story. If the Shadewraiths wear Chinese Lanterns on their heads, does that mean Elrond and Galadriel will wear lampshades too? Anyway, please PM me when the next one comes out.
Cool! This is one of the funniest FotR parodies. Please Pm me to tell me when the next chapter is up!
I am realy enjoying this it just keeps getting better.
LOL!!!!!!!!! that is FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!! write more pleeeeease! (PM me for next chapter!)
Eowyn_Horsejoy- Galadriel & Elrond don’t wear lampshades on their heads, that would just be silly. They wear chandliers on their heads.
Arreysia- I knew all along that Nazgul was like sheep, I was just, um, testing everyone else to see if they knew. I mean of course I knew……
(keeps digging hole deeper and deeper)
Arreysia- (again) As you personally know,(remember that japanese song thingy ages ago), my elvish is pathetic. So to answer your question I borrowed a copy of “KISS AND MAKE-UP, AN ELF’S GUIDE TO LIPSTICK. THIRD AGE EDITION” from a certain Mr. Greenleaf. 6 is a bit off, 600(!) would be a little closer. So not to bore you I selected a few from the ‘A’ section: (if the words look like quenya with sinderin (spelt wrong, I know), it’s because the book was well-used and he wouldn’t let me at his brand new fourth age edition). Anyway, here are the words: anto-harma ~ this means “mouth-treasure” (I’m guessing it’s lip-gloss), anto-quesse ~ “mouth-feather” (prob. lip brush) & anto-ephel ~ “mouth-outerfence” (I think that’s lip liner to you and me). When I handed the book back Legola-, I mean Mr. Greenleaf recommended a shade called ‘celeb-ithil’, which means “silver-moon”. Sounds quite nice, might get it next time I’m in Gap (of Rohan)……
Yayness! Write more soon, please!
It’s so funny! Please PM me with when the next chapter is up!
heeheehee! lol! please post the next chapter soon, you’re story is great!
very good
This is wonderfully clever! Please continue to PM me when installements are added.
Oh, I love it! I’m going to read each and every chapter! Starting….as soon as I’m not eating pizza….or buying action figures, or attempting to beat my neighbor in a LOTR card tournament, which he beats me at, and….all that stuff.But I love it all the same! Very Good!
Not as funny as the others. My favorite part ws when Gimli said:
And what was my axe!
Now THAT is funny!
Yay! Write more soon!
I know it’s kind of late to review this, but I’ve the first two and I love them both. Great writing. So far though, I like the second one best.
Really interesting – by the way, where’s Elrond’s chandelier?
rotflol
that was TOO funny!! please keep writing! i love it!!!
oblifiac