Lord of the Paint Cans - Chapter 1 by Syriana
Please note that this fanfiction is written together with Elvish_Angel015, entirely for our own pleasure and hopefully for yours as well.
All quotes in this story are copyrighted, some may come directly from Tolkien, others are own inventions.
Seven for the dwarves lords, great miners but not so great in the coloring area,
Nine were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desired RBG shades.
And one for the dark lord who lived in monochrome.
In the land of Mordor where there is no color palette
One paint can to rule them all
One to bind them
One paint can to smudge them all and in the blackness mix them
In the land of Mordor where the monochromes lie!
Frodo: “I feel sorry for Sauron *whap* ouch! Hey! Who threw that rock?!
This one paint can was made by Sauron to dominate over all other paint cans And into this can, Sauron poured his angst and frustration at never being able to mix two colors properly and get a new shade of wall paint.
One by one the lands of Middle Earth fell to the blackness of the paint. And on the slopes of Mount Doom a last alliance of Men and Elves fought for the colors of Middle Earth. Where they fought against countless orcs, goblins and trolls, each of them dressed in the most horrible colors. Just as darkness seemed to win Elendil managed to knock off Sauron’s paint can with a paintbrush by accident and then all stopped to stare at Sauron’s true visage. No elf or man was left standing, as they all were laughing to hard that they all fell to the ground clutching their stomachs. So Sauron left the battlefield crying and wailing for his “Mommy!”. And with that…his reign of bad colors and blackness disappeared from the world.
Even thought the paint can made Sauron look as black as the night and as big as a house, it gave to others the ability of when wearing it to look rainbow colored and butt-naked for a few other races. But Elendil knew none of this, not like he could understand regardless of how hard Elrond trying…so he made the paint can an heirloom to his kin.
But on his way home orcs, who wanted the colors for their coloring books, waylaid him. For Sauron the evil did not allow the orcs any color for their paintings. Elendil jumped in the river trying to protect the paint can, but he lost it in the churning waters and the orcs got so angry they tortured him to death by tickling him with feathers.
So history became mythical legend and mythical legend became legendary myth.”
Gandalf: “Galadriel, I hate to interrupt you in your introduction, but mythical legend and legendary myth are the same thing.”
Gala looks at Gandalf, tosses her hair, sniffs and continues the story:
“So the ring was now found by a creature named Gollum. It fell from the sky on his head while he was looking for some food. Gollum lost all sense of logic and his color sense with this and he ran around telling that Rainbow is not his color.”
Gandalf: “Hold on, I thought it was a paint can. Why do you mention a ring?”
Galadriel: “Who is telling this story, bleached boy? You or me?”
Gandalf holds his hands up in defeat and lets Galadriel continue with the story.
Galadriel coughs and tries to pick up where she left off: “Now where was I again before I got so rudely interrupted? Oh yes… there we were…
As the years passed Gollum did not grow any older but he did turn into his horrible little guy with a very bad taste in colors and décor. I mean, fish bones and rocks SO do not match for a good house. He lost the can over the years, so he hid in the mountains hiding himself from the bright colors outside, the paint can ended up in a Beor Hardware Shop. Where a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins bought it for the ridiculously high price of 5 silver pieces and took it home with him.
Even though Bilbo came back in Hobbiton with a lot of riches, the only thing he kept for himself was the paint can. He had first intended to paint his house with it, but in the end he hid the paint can in a ridiculously big coat that he wore always after that. And may I say, that coat did absolutely nothing for his figure
Elrond: *coughs* Galadriel….
Galadriel: What? It’s the truth… anyways time passed on and whole Hobbiton prepared to celebrate Bilbo’s 111th birthday. The day the party would be held Ga…”
Gandalf: “Will you keep with the story from now on? I know what happened cause I’ve not only read the script but I also have with me the book “The Rings : A Short History(with details)” so I will correct you when you start changing things…”
Galadriel: “Oh, you big old brute! When are you going to learn not to interfere when a person is telling a story? You just never get the point of listening! You just always ha…”
Elrond: “Galadriel, just get on with the story will you?”
Galadriel: “Ehm, yeah…. Where was I again… ah yes…
Gandalf arrived in Hobbiton the day of the big party and discovered Bilbo’s total lack of color appreciation had grown even worse over the years. For Bilbo kept walking around wearing red trousers with a canary yellow shirt with a horrible parrot green scarf, covered by a huge over coat. But knowing how touchy he has always been on that subject Gandalf decided to leave the subject to rest till after the party.
As the party started Gandalf showed some of his famous fireworks to the little children. Many of them left them speechless! For there were all kinds of fireworks, there was one which burst into little doughnuts falling over the hobbits, another one burst into sparks of pink and formed the shape of a huge sheep and one that held special significance for Bilbo which Gandalf left for the very last. But behind his back Merry and Pippin climbed on his cart to see what kinds of fireworks were available.
“Oh look at this one Merry!” Pippin whispered as he held up a tree-shaped example.
“Not big enough, look for another one” Merry said back and he pointed to a face shaped one. “Take that one.”
“Oh yes, that one is a lot bigger.” Pippin grabbed the firework and jumped of the cart with Merry right behind him.
They went into one of the tents that were standing on the field and lighted the firework, both unaware that they were standing too close to it.
“Oooohhh… nice sparks,” said Pippin looking at the flame.
Suddenly the firework shoots up dragging the tent along and leaving both Merry and Pippin making them look as chimney sweeps.
The firework bursted out and showed to everyone’s surprise Bilbo that was mooning Thranduil. This caused major confusion among the hobbits assembled and…”
Legolas: “Hold on. Gandalf you actually made a firework about that??”
Gandalf turns out bright red at that and nods silently, causing Elrond to burst out in a laughing fit.
Elrond: “Of all the things… you picked that!!”
Gandalf: “Elry, if you have seen that happening for real you would’ve understand the fun of making a firework of it!”
Galadriel gets frustrated about being interrupted once again and slams on the table in front of her. “Can you please let me tell the story??”
Gandalf, Legolas and Elrond: “Oh sure! Please do continue…”
Galadriel tries to catch up where she left the storyline:
“The incident with the firework that showed a mooning Bilbo was quickly forgotten as ale and food were plenty present. The time came for Bilbo to give his speech.”
Bilbo: “Hey, you are forgetting the wine and the cakes and…”
Galadriel: “Oh please, can I FINALLY continue the story?!?!?”
Bilbo starts to mutter something about touchy elves that had a bit too much strong black coffee in the morning…
“Bilbo climbed up one of the crates that were lying around the party field, clearly not noticing the funny looks the other hobbits gave him about his way of walking. Once on the crate he turned to his guests and got ready for his speech.
“My dear bags and buffets! *Hic* Tucks and Bandboxes! Grubs! *Hic* Shrubs! Horn bucklers and Proud foxes!” he started.
This beginning caused the present guests to start mutter among each other.
“He’s drunk again” was the most common heard phrase in the public.
“Today issshh my *hic* one hundred and *hic* elllevensh birshday!” he continued, unaware of the murmuring in the public. “Issh too bad that *hic* that I ssshhhpend shhooo little time with chooo aaalll *hic* buusshh I really haaafta go…”
At this he proceeded to stick his hands and feet at various angles. Obviously trying to dance to the music in his head. Doing so, he stuck his head under his cloak and run away rainbow colored and butt naked.”
Elrond coughs and says: “Coat Galadriel, coat…”. After this he mutters something about not giving Galadriel too strong coffee in the morning.
Galadriel looks annoyed, but doesn’t pay attention to this last remark of Elrond and continues the story.
“The sight of Bilbo running around butt naked, made all the hobbit lasses present faint. The older women started screaming frantically. And all the men just stared in front of them, refilling their cups with strong liquors and just said: “Oh my…”
Gandalf watched all this commotion from somewhere in the back and he shook his head seeing the result of Bilbo’s action. He left the party field to try to talk with Bilbo again, when he left the hobbits were still totally confused about what just happened and what they just saw.
“You probably think that was very clever, don’t you? Showing off by trying to dance and then turning buck naked like that.” Gandalf said to Bilbo as he entered Bag-end. “Was it your original idea to give your fellow hobbits such a shock? You must know that most of them are now unconscious or drinking enough to make them forget everything that just happened.”
Bilbo, who was looking for some clothes to wear, turned around after hearing this. The smile that had been on his face after leaving the party disappeared and quite a menacing look came on instead.
“Gandaalf, chooo big bully *hic*, choo jussshht cannot shhhhtand it when *hic* when… *hic* when ooother p..p…people have aaa bit of fun. *hic* Choo only agree with it when choo are *hic* are the one who came *hic* with the idea. Choo *hic* always haaaave taa find choo-self in the spotlight for shoooome reason…””
Elrond: “You know, Gandy, Bilbo was right about that. You always had trouble letting someone else stand in the spotlight.”
Gandalf: “Keep your mouth shut, Elry, and let Gala continue the story…”
Galadriel: “Thank you Gandalf… now where was I again…
Bilbo continued this litany for a couple minutes and in the end he threw the paint can in the fire and ran out of the house, totally forgetting to put any clothes on.
Gandalf watched Bilbo leave, but didn’t run after him to tell him about the clothing part since he was trying to get the spots of bright red paint out of his gray robes.
When Frodo entered the house a short time later he found Gandalf muttering something about not being able to get those spots out of his robes. He shook his head and when he noticed the paint can in the fire he went over there and took it out. He turned it around a couple of times to make sure it was not cracked. While doing so he discovered some writings on the can itself and mentioned this to the still muttering Gandalf.
“Yo Grey Robes! There is something strange written on this can, it says ‘Ma-din-Ja-pa-an’,” Frodo said.
Gandalf turned to face Frodo after this and replied: “You tom fool of a Baggins! It says ‘Made in Japan’!”
“Yo Yo! Before you call me a tomfool, let me finish what I was saying! Cause there is more written on this can,” Frodo said handing the paint can to Gandalf.
Gandalf brought to can closer to his face to see the writings more clearly…”
Elrond: “Gandy, I already told you several times that you need to get glasses. Really you are going to ruin your eyes completely like this.”
Frodo: “Plus you can singe your beard…”
Gandalf crosses his arms before him while the rest bursts out laughing seeing his face. In the meantime Galadriel coughs to get the attention of her public again.
Galadriel: “As I was saying…
Gandalf brought the can closer to his face to see the writings more clearly and nearly burnt his beard. and he started to read the lines Frodo saw out loud:
“one paint can to rule them all, one to collect them
one paint can to smudge them all, and in the blackness mix them”
“Yo! You know, that is actually a very nice poem. I just don’t understand anything of it, Grey Robes,” Frodo said a little puzzled.
“It is not your job to understand! I have to understand what it means, Frodo Baggins. And stop calling me that…”
“Yo. And do you understand it then?” Frodo asked sarcastically
“Yes I do, Frodo” Gandalf replied. “But now I must go and get these spots cleaned out of my robes. I will be back in good time, do not wear the can nor paint your house with it.”
Frodo started to mutter something about wizards being very complicated minds, but he placed the can somewhere out of sight (in the china cupboard) and life flowed by for several years. Many of the hobbits noticed that over the years Frodo still looked as young as before, but his taste in clothes and colors seriously went backwards.
Then one night, 9 years after Bilbo’s party, Frodo came back from the pub quite drunk. When he gets back in the house he finds a very agitated Gandalf waiting for him.
“Yo Toots! Where have you been all these long years? I missed you so terribly much,” Frodo greeted him joyfully.
“Frodo, where is the paint can?” Gandalf asked Frodo, not paying attention to the name Frodo just gave him. “And stop looking at me like that, will you!”
“Toots, my sweet, why do you always have to start talking about that stupid paint can? And I told you several times already it’s in that closet over there. But honestly, love, there are far better things we can do the time we are together.”
Gandalf decided to ignore the way Frodo was looking at him and went to the closet to get out the paint can. After he sat down at the table and waited for Frodo to do the same, but he just kept staring with a weird glazy look in his eyes at Gandalf.
“Frodo, sit down. I have to tell you some things that are really important,” he said finally.
“Whatever you want Toots,” Frodo replied sighing, as he sat down in front of Gandalf, looking quite dreamily to the wizard before him.
Gandalf shook his head and started telling what he found out while he was away washing his robes. Even though the things he was telling was really important, Gandalf noticed that Frodo wasn’t paying attention at all. And in the end he became so frustrated by this that he took the paint can and hit Frodo with it trying to get some more sense in him.
Frodo just rubbed his head and looked at Gandalf with a very tormented look on his face.
“Why did you hit me with that can, Toots? Don’t you love me anymore? *Sniff* I thought we had something special. You said you’d take care of me.” Frodo asked sadly, hardly believing his beloved just hit him so hard.
“Frodo, sober up!! You have to leave Hobbiton as soon as possible, don’t you see that?” Gandalf reacted. But Frodo only sat there sniffing heartbroken. Thinking that his ‘Toots’ didn’t love him anymore. Gandalf sighed and realized that there was only one way he could get Frodo moving.
“Frodo, you know I still care for you and I will make you this promise…”
Frodo looked hopefully up at him when he said it and Gandalf shook his head when he continued.
“I will marry you, but only when you get to Brandybuck Land. And not before that. Do you understand me, Frodo?”
Frodo nodded vigorously at this and immediately got up from his seat. He started running around in the house gathering some things he would need along the way and stopped several times at the table to kiss ‘Toots’s’ hands.
As soon as Frodo finished his packings Gandalf pushed the paint can in his hands. Even though Frodo looked puzzled about this he just thought it was a gift from his ‘Toots’ to remind him that she would marry him once he got in Brandybuck Land. Gandalf made sure he was safely on his way before turning back into the house to think about what just happened.
So Frodo had packed all his things and went out with the paint can in his pocket and he began to sing loudly about his love…
Frodo: *cough* I wasn’t singing that loud…
Galadriel: Hush! And nearby hiding were Merry and Pippin, who were hoping to scare the next hobbit to pass them. So to Frodo’s horror, Merry and Pippin jumped out of the nearby bushes and began singing “Hit me baby one more time” in very off-key voice. But they stopped mid note when they heard another voice call out “Bessie! Sing some more! I’m coming baby!” They were very surprised to see a drunk Sam come out with arms wide open and grabbed Pippin and Merry in a hug.
Pippin looked over at Merry, “This wasn’t part of the plan!” Upon hearing Pippin’s voice, Sam let them go and said, “Have you seen Bessie come by here? She’s big…and has white and black spots. Moo she says…”
All three hobbits gave Sam an odd look and Frodo asked, “Yo! You guys want to come with me to Brandy buck land?” Sam asked, “Can I take Bessie with me?” “Yes you can take Bessie with you.” Merry and Pippin stand together whispering before saying “We’ll go with you Frodo…if you let us each carry an apple, 5 acorns and a pieces of cheese!”
Frodo very confused over the importance of those items merely nodded his head. And said happily, “Did I tell you? I’m going to get married to Toots!” but the news fell on deaf ears…as Sam was to busy cooing to his Bessie and Pippin and Merry were to busy filling their pockets with acorns and cheese pieces.
The start of the journey was very joyful, but after a few hours walking, not having anything to drink they started to sober up and feel tired. Frodo not wanting to give in to his tiredness pushed his friends along trying to make it to Brandybuck Land as soon as possible.
But in the end the exhausted hobbits passed out on the road where they were found by some elves. Who, not knowing this themselves, saved the hobbits from the Nazgul that was riding in their direction. The only thing that they saw was a vague bright pink shine in the distance, but they didn’t pay any attention to it.
