DAY 1
Bilbo: Well, Frodo, my good lad, I’m sending you off to a great place.
Frodo: Do I have to? I’d really rather stay here, get drunk, and get stoned.
Bilbo: Sorry, kiddo. Gotta do this. Well, here comes Gandalf to brief you for the camp. Take what you like of my stuff, have fun, blah blah. See yuh!
Frodo: Aw crud.
Gandalf: You ready?
Frodo: Not particulary.
Gandalf: Tough tiddles. Now here’s the thing, it’s going to be four weeks, you’re going to be going far away from here, and it’s not gonna be fun.
Frodo: Yippee.
Gandalf: Good.
* Something in the brush outside of the window crackles *
Gandalf: Shhh! Get down!
Frodo: Cripes!
* Gandalf grabs subject *
Gandalf: Dangit, Sam! What the heck is the matter with you!
Sam: Ow, you’re hurting me.
Gandalf: Oh, you’ll be hurting all right. You’re going to camp with Frodo.
Sam: Do I have to? I’d really rather stay here, get drunk, and get stoned.
Gandalf: Shaddup.
* Gandalf delivers Frodo and Sam to the camp *
While at the camp…
Frodo: I wonder who our drill instructor is. Gee, I hope it’s someone we like.
Sam: Look, here he comes now!
Gandalf: Surprise, surprise. Yours truly!
Frodo: Cripes!
* Sam sadly shakes his head *
* Suddenly, Merry and Pippin fall onto Sam and Frodo *
Pippin: Look, it’s Frodo! We must be in the right place!
Merry: Wouldn’t ya know it? And we lost those security guards, too!
Sam: All right, what have you been up to?
Merry: All we took was a traffic light.
Pippin: It’s so pretty… I want to touch it.
Gandalf: All right, FALL IN!
* Hobbits form a little line *
Gandalf: Get to your barracks and get some sleep, cadets! The rest of the cadets shall arrive tomorrow.

DAY 2
Gandalf: Rise and shine, maggots! The rest of the cadets are here!
* Pippin yawns, scratches himself, and smiles sleepily *
Pippin: * groggily * Good morning.
* Hobbits crawl out to meet the other attendants *
Gandalf: All right, maggots, FALL IN!
Merry: We’ve been through this before…
* Gandalf does a head count *
Gandalf: Cadet Baggins, check. Cadet Gamgee, check. Cadet Took, check. Cadet Brandybuck, check. Cadet Aragorn, check. Cadet Gimli, check. Cadet Boromir, check. Cadet Legolas… wait a minute, ladies are not allowed in boot camp!
Galadriel: Crud.
Arwen: Crud.
Eowyn: You haven’t heard the last of me!
Legolas: I’m not a woman. I’m a male elf.
* Gandalf warily eyes Legolas *
Gandalf: You watch your back. Cadets! I am your commanding officer! You will not eat, sleep, drink, or even dig inbetween your toes without me telling you to, first! Our mission is all about this ring!
Frodo: It’s so pretty… I want to touch it.
* Gandalf slaps Frodo’s hand *
Gandalf: Ah ah! Oh, well, ok.
* Gandalf gives Frodo the ring *
* Gollum rushes up and claws at Frodo *
* Gandalf pulls Gollum down by the collar *
Gandalf: And this… is our team mascot.
Sam: That’s Gollum.
Gandalf: Yeah, careful, he nibbles. ANYWAY, getting back to our mission, your objective is to reach Mount Doom and neutralize the ring. If you fail, you shall be dishonorably discharged.
Pippin: Huh? What does he mean, Merry?
Merry: He means making an aerial exit from the camp with a boot mark on your butt.
Pippin: Oh.
Gimli: Let’s kill the ring now!
* Gimli claws at Frodo *
Gandalf: Knock it off.
* Gandalf pulls Gimli away *
Frodo: Cripes!
Gandalf: Troops, fall in for the mess tent!
* While eating *
Pippin: Good gosh, what is this stuff? It’s terrible. I believe I shall skip seconds… and elevenses… and tea.
Everyone at table: Gasp! Pippin?! Turn down food?!
Gandalf: Well, now that you maggots are full, begin your quest!
Pippin: Huh?
Gandalf: Go… procede… begin… GET!
* Everyone scampers away *

DAY 6
Gandalf: We are now at an extremely important task. You must run this obstacle course as quickly as possible. If you make a wrong turn or are too slow, the Ring Wraiths will get you. Oh, and, by the way, they’re on horses. Go!
Frodo: Cripes!
Aragorn: Why should we bother with it?
Gandalf: Drop down, give me twenty-five push-ups for speaking out of line, maggot!
* Aragorn begins doing push-ups *
Aragorn: One, sir….. two sir…
Legolas: You can’t do that! He’s the heir to Isildur!
Boromir: Who cares.
Gandalf: I don’t care if he’s the grand vizier of Argentina! Now drop down, girlie-boy, and give me thirty push-ups for challenging my authority!
Legolas: Me?! On the ground?!
Gandalf: Seems what we have here is a failure to communicate! Boot to the head!
* Gandalf boots Legolas on the head *
Legolas: Owww! You booted me on the head! One, sir…. Two, sir…. Agh! I can’t do it anymore!!
* Aragorn gets up from finishing his push-ups *
Aragorn: Wuss.
The hobbits are half-way through the course by now, which is pretty good considering they’re tiny buggers
* Pippin suddenly stops *
Pippin: Ooo, mushrooms!
Merry: May I have some?
Ring-Wraith: Me too?
Merry and Pippin: Cripes!
* Merry and Pippin procede to finish the course with exceeding speed before anyone else does *
Sam: It’s so hard!
Gollum: ‘Cause you’re so fat.
Sam: Ouch.
Frodo: One more step and I’ll be farther away from home than I’ve ever been.
Sam: * panting * Hey! That’s my line!
Gollum: Stupid, fat hobbits.

DAY 8
Gandalf: I want you all to meet some drill instructor friends of mine. They’ll be helping you get through the next few days. Please give a hearty welcome to Major Lurtz and Sergeant Ugluk.
Maj. Lurtz: Yo
Sgt. Ugluk: What’s happenin’?
Aragorn: Cripes!
Boromir: Uh oh.
Maj. Lurtz: Hey! I don’t like red mullets!
Boromir: Uh oh.
Maj. Lurtz: Mullets are not military standard!
Boromir: Uh oh. Help.
Maj. Lurtz: KILLLL!
* Sgt. Lurtz promptly turns Boromir into a sieve *
Gandalf: Cadet Boromir has just been dishonorably discharged.
Pippin: But there’s no boot-mark on his butt!
Gandalf: You want one?
Pippin: Er, no, I’m good, thanks.
Aragorn: Hey! That’s not nice! KILLLL!
* Aragorn chops Lurtz’s head off *
Sgt. Ugluk: Hey! That’s not nice! KILLLL!
Gandalf: Hold your horses, Sergeant.
* Ugluk grumbles *
Merry: Say, Pip, do you have the same odd urge to jump into some Uruk-hai’s arms, like I do?
Pippin: Why, yes, Merry. Yes I do. But not Ugluk’s.
Merry: I agree.
Gandalf: But, Aragorn HAS killed a major. DROP DOWN, GIVE ME THIRTY-FIVE PUSH UPS, MAGGOT!
* Aragorn groans *
Aragorn: One, sir… two, sir…

DAY 12
Gandalf: All right, turds! Split up! Cadet Baggins, Cadet Gamgee, go off that way. Cadet Took, Cadet Brandybuck, go fulfill that urge to jump into an Uruk’s arms.
Merry and Pippin: Woohoo!
Gandalf: Eh-HEM. Now, Cadets Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas… you go that way. Oh, and Legolas, leave your cosmetics here.
Legolas: * whines * You’re so cruel!
Gandalf: Back-talking, are we, smart alec? All right, you yellow-bellied turd, drop down, give me forty-five push-ups!
Legolas: Waaah! One…. Sir…. Two….. sir…. Threeeee…. I can’t do any more!
Sam: Wow, he’s grown strong enough to do three now.
Frodo: That’s one more than he used to be able to do.
Gimli: Duuuuh.
* Gollum strokes Frodo’s cloak *
Gollum: Pleaaase, precious, we wants to go with you, precious!
Frodo: Errrrr…
Gandalf: Ah, humor the wrinkled little maggot.
Frodo: Okaaaaay . . .
Sam: Don’t do it, Mr. Frodo! He’s trying to kill us!
Gollum: Wait, stupid, fat hobbit! We haven’t said that yet, precious!
Sam: Oh, sorry, nevermiiiind.
Aragorn: So, what exactly are WE doing?
Gandalf: Give Cadets Took and Brandybuck a head start. Then you go chase them.
Aragorn: Point being…?
Gandalf: Teamwork, you urchin-nosed maggot!
Aragorn: Oh.
Gimli: We will do it in short sprints, right?
Gandalf: Endurance, you impatient, furry little man! Endurance is the key!
Legolas: What is WITH the name calling?
Aragorn: Yeah! Why is it ‘maggot this, maggot that’?
Gandalf: Ain’t you never seen “Major Payne”?
Aragorn: No.
Gandalf: Well, then. Would you rather be called turd?
Aragorn: Erm, no.
Legolas: Hey, you call me ‘turd’!
Gandalf: Yeah, I save that specially for you, lady.
Legolas: I’m a male elf.

DAY 15
Merry and Pippin are trotting along with the Uruk-hais
Pippin: So, when will we stop?
Uruk-hai 21: Don’t know, don’t care.
Merry: I don’t feel so good.
Uruk-hai 13: Want some of my Tylenol?
Merry: Ehh, that’s all right.
Pippin: I’ll do that Hansel and Gretel thing and leave my brooch along the ground.
Merry: Good idea!
* Pippin gnaws off his brooch *
Pippin: Ptooey! There, let’s just act like nothing’s happened.
Merry: Hey, what does this have to do with boot camp?
Pippin: Boot camp? I thought this was summer camp… no wonder there wasn’t any swimming.
Merry: Well, there was that raft we had to paddle across the lake to get away from the Wraith in the obstacle course.
Pippin: Owie. I got a splinter then.
Merry: Poor baby.
Frodo and Sam have had a few tiffs with Gollum since they’ve begun…
Sam: My neck hurts. What are you, some sort of Dracula or something?
Gollum: Terribly sorry, fat hobbit. Bad habit, hard to break.
Frodo: Good Gollum, have a cookie.
* Gollum gags *
Gollum: Some cookie! Thanks a lot! That’s worse than boot camp food!
Frodo: It’s an MRE.
* Gollum gags *
Sam: Shh, hear that?
Gollum: Hide! Hurry, hobbits, hurry! It’s a Wraith… IN THE AIR FORCE!
Frodo: Cripes!
Sam: Do they parachute?
Gollum: Who cares! Hide!
* Frodo, Sam, and Gollum scurry under a brush, Wraith flies overhead and leaves *
Frodo: I did not know Fell beasts had jet engines.
Gollum: Not a Fell beast, precious, F-16, precious.
Sam: Gollum, were you chewing my toe down there?
Gollum: I miss my binky.
Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are running after the Uruks
Aragorn: * sniffs the ground * Huh, Uruks have been here. The ground still smells like their sweat. Won’t Gandalf be pleased to know I’m practicing my tracking skills!
Gimli: That and the fact the Uruk port-a-potty is over there.
Legolas: Ewwwww!
Aragorn: Look! Pippin’s brooch!
Legolas: Pretttty
Aragorn: That seals the deal. This-a-way!
Gimli: No more running!
* Legolas and Aragorn are all ready running off *
Gimli: Aw dang.

DAY 18
Pippin and Merry are dumped at a temporary Uruk pit-stop.
Merry: Come on, Pip, let’s get out of here.
* Riders of Rohan appear and slaughter Uruks. Horse rears over Pippin *
Pippin: Cripes!
* Merry and Pippin rush off into the Forest of Fangorn *
Grishnakh: Come out, come out, wherever you are, ya little maggots.
Merry: He sounds just like Gandalf.
Grishnakh: * sings * Shave and a haircut…
Pippin: * sings back * TWO PENCE!
Grishnakh: There you are!
Merry: Daggone it, Pip! Now, climb that tree and hope Orcs can’t climb!
* Treebeard wakes up and squishes Grishnakh *
Pippin: Oh, hi there! We’re in boot camp!
Treebeard: Maybe you are, and maybe you aren’t. The white wizard shall know.
Pippin: You mean Saruman???
Merry: Cripes!
Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas meet the Riders of Rohan
Aragorn: Say there, you seen any short little people by here?
Eomer: Little guys, reddish-blonde hair?
Aragorn: Yeah!
Eomer: Hijacked by orcs and uruk-hais?
Gimli: Yeah! Yeah!
Eomer: Fuzzy feet?
Legolas: YES, sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln, YES!
Eomer: Never seen ’em. But we did kill a whole bunch of Uruks back a ways.
Aragorn: Cripes!
* The three rush over to burning pyre of Orcs *
Gimli: Wow, that stinks.
Legolas: Figuratively or literally?
Gimli: Shaddup.
Aragorn: Wait! Look! Two little men were lying here… this one has more hair-prints in the dust, so it must have been Merry!
* Aragorn claps his hands together gleefully *
Aragorn: Oh, I’ll get a merit badge for this tracking! Annnnd they crawled this way… one went to an axe to saw off his bonds, the other wore too much cologne. Then they ran… this way, they ran this way!
Gimli: Into the Forest of Fangorn? Good gravy. Come on, then.
Frodo, Sam, and Gollum are resting
Gollum: Filthy thieves… took my ring… we wants it…
Smeagol: Good master… takes care of us… protects us from fat hobbit…
Sam: Oh, shut up! * imitates Gandalf * Drop down, give me five push-ups you raisin of a maggot!
Smeagol: Don’t hurt us! One, precious! Two, precious! Three, precious! Four, precious! Five, precious!
* Smeagol waits with baited breath *
Frodo: Poof, Smeagol, you’ve gotta stop eating bait.
Smeagol: We did it, precious! We did the push-ups, and away he goes! Smeagol freeee!
Frodo: Ah, the wonders a little physical exercise can do.
Sam: Don’t trust him, Mr. Frodo! He wants to kill us!
Smeagol: Wait! Stupid, fat hobbit! I still haven’t said that yet!
Sam: Oh, myyyy mistake.

DAY 19
Merry: Wow, Gandalf. You’ve been promoted to the ‘White Wizard,’ eh? Spiffy.
Gandalf: It’s Gandalf, Sir, to you, Cadet Brandybuck.
Merry: Riiight.
Pippin: So, when do we get to go home?
Merry: Eh-HEM, Pip, you MEAN, when do we get to go to war?
Pippin: Well, I, uh, don’t really like war, but, em…
Treebeard: Shh, I’m still having my morning coffee with the Entmoot.
* Merry wastes time by doing jumping jacks. Pippin sleeps *
Treebeard: Psst! Hey, you! I’m taking you home.
Pippin: Oh, ok. Take us that way.
Treebeard: By Isengard? Are you crazy, man?
Pippin: Mwa ha ha ha.
* Treebeard sees half of Fangorn chopped down, gets teary-eyed, and calls the Entmoot over *
Treebeard: Come on, fellows! Let’s go kick Orc!
Entmoot: Woohoo!
Merry: Boy, it’s fun killing Uruks!
Pippin: Killing Uruks? I thought we were skipping stones from the top of an Ent.
Merry: Stones? These aren’t stones. These are grenades!
* Entmoot break the dam, releasing the river *
Pippin: Woohoo! Maybe it IS summer camp!
Merry: Hey, check out the floating food!
Pippin: Woohoo!
Merry: And beer! And pipeweed!
Pippin: Woohoo! Woohoo!
Frodo, Sam, and Smeagol get caught by Faramir and his band of Merry Men
Frodo: You don’t understand! We’re in boot camp, I have to finish this mission to save Middle-Earth! That, and to get some extra brownie-points for hobbit college.
Faramir: Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say. What have you to say about this?
* Faramir holds something up *
Sam: What is it?
Frodo: Looks like a cornucopia… without the fruit.
Faramir: It’s Boromir’s split horn, you elbow-hair! What happened!
Sam: He back-talked to the Major, and the Major didn’t appreciate it.
Faramir: Yeah, right. Drop down, give me twenty push-ups!
Frodo: What?!
Faramir: Sorry, got caught up in the boot camp thing.
* Faramir’s Merry Men make merriment by using Smeagol as a soccer ball *
Faramir: All right, that’s the fourth goal we’ve made with the varmint. Let’s interrogate him.
Smeagol: Ow! Cruel men hurts us, master tricksed us!
Gollum: I’m baaaaack, and there ain’t enough push-ups in the world to get me to leave again.
Faramir: Schizophrenic.
Faramir totes the hobbits and Gollum to Gondor
Faramir: Sit, stay.
* A C-130 cargo plane flies low overhead, deploying T-1 Fell beasts onto Gondor *
Frodo: Ooh, Fell beast. I want to touch it.
Sam: Don’t you dare!
Frodo: Hey, lookie here, mister Fell beast and Nazgul. I’ve got your ring, right here!
Fell Beast: Hmm, a Hobbitzerella cheese stick.
Sam: Evasive maneuvers!
* Sam does a flying tackle on Frodo *
Sam: Woohoo! Won’t Gandalf be pleased to know I practiced my evasive tackling!
Frodo: You ruined my chance at a merit badge for an enemy diversion and not-so-good- getaway! Die!
* Frodo draws his sword out *
Sam: Aiyee! Don’t hurt me!
Frodo: Whoops, sorry, flipped out there for a moment. It’s all right, I’ll get my merit badge sometime later.
Faramir: Poof, I see what you’re up against. All right, ya little toads, you can go now.
Frodo: Gee, thanks!
Gollum: Cruel man… made us drop our fish… cracked our rib using us as soccer ball…
Frodo: Aw, poor Gollum. Here, have a cookie.
Gollum: Erm, no thanks.
* Gollum begins plotting to kill hobbits *
Sam: Don’t do it, Mr. Frodo! He’s trying to kill us!
Gollum: Not yet, you silly fat hobbit! I’m still just thinking!
Sam: Well hurry up, then!

DAY 20
Gandalf: Come on, then, all you maggots… and you turd.
Legolas: Daggone it!
Gandalf: To Rohan!
* Gandalf knocks on King Theoden’s door *
Gandalf: Helloooo!
Grima: Cripes!
Gandalf: I now free you, King Theoden, of your possession by Saruman!
Saruman: Cripes!
King Theoden: Wow, I feel like I’m fifteen years younger!
Gimli: * as he twists Grima’s arm * You look it, too.
King Theoden: I might feel younger if I could hold my sword?
Gandalf: I have a better idea; drop down, give me TWENTY-FIVE push-ups!
King Theoden: Aw geeeez. One, sir… two, sir….
Aragorn: Good old Gandalf.
Uruks attack Rohan, then Helm’s Deep
King Theoden: Cripes!
War continues
Haldir: DIE, URUK FREAKS! DIE!
Uruk hai 45: DIE, ELF FREAK! DIE!
* Uruk wields bazooka at Haldir *
Haldir: Cripes!
* Haldir is blown away *
War continues, men and elves are about to lose
Aragorn: Hm, this isn’t too good for boot camp. Hey! Gandalf should be here by now!
* Aragorn, Theoden, Legolas, and Gimli charge out on valiant steeds into the battle *
* Uruks scatter everywhere *
* Gandalf appears at the top of a great hill, with Shadowfax *
Gandalf: Charge, you horse-riding maggots! Charge!
* All the Riders of Rohan charge *
* Uruks are over-run, and flee into the Forest of Fangorn *
Gandalf: Wait a minute, Fangorn didn’t used to be there before…
Treebeard: Exactly, mwa ha.
Forest of Fangorn: Free game! Neutralize the Orcs!

Day 22
Gollum, Sam, and Frodo are by a river
Gollum: Lovely ring, nice ring, we’ll get ring soon. We’ll just go up only a few hundred flights of stairs, and then they dies! I’m only the mascot; no more making us push-up like we’re in the boot camp and not them. Woohoo! Ok, Sam, NOW you can say it.
Sam: Woohoo! Don’t go with him, Mr. Frodo! He’s trying to kill us!
Gollum: Not Smeagol, no no no. (But Gollum would… * cackles *)
Frodo: Oh, you’re being silly, Sam. Go do five push-ups to clear your mind. Come, Gollum.
Gollum: Yes, master.
* The three begin a forty-mile forced march *
Gandalf, Pippin, Merry, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli re-unite at Isildur
Pippin: Oooh, a pretty, shiny, marble-thing!
Gandalf: Cadet Took! Give it here!
Pippin: What if I don’t want to?
Gandalf: Then it’s one-hundred push-ups for you, cadet.
Pippin: Here ya go.
The six go to Edoras
Pippin: I want to see that pretty marble again.
Merry: Don’t you dare.
Pippin: It’s so pretty… I want to touch it!
Merry: DON’T YOU DARE!
Pippin: I dare.
* Pippin grabs the bowling ball, making a perfect electric circuit for Sauron to rearrange Pippin’s brain cells. Aragorn takes the bowling ball from Pippin, and gets electrocuted himself. Gandalf thunks Aragorn and tosses his burlap sack onto the bowling ball, which is trying to make it’s escape. *
Gandalf: Idiot! Dummkopf! Fool of a Cadet! That’ll be one-hundred push-ups for you, turd, count ’em out!
Legolas: Woohoo! Finally, I’m not the only turd around here.
* Pippin nearly faints from the push-ups *
Gandalf: Now I take you on my horsie. Bad cadet.
Pippin: MERRY!!!!!
Merry: Tough tiddles, guy. You’re on yer own.
* Merry goes with the Roharrim camp, and Eowyn suits him up in full-body Kevlar*
Merry: Wow, I didn’t know boot camp included armor!
Eomer: Tee hee, a little man in armor, that’s funny.
* Eowyn slaps Eomer upside the head *
Gandalf takes Pippin to Minas Tirith
Gandalf: Cadet Took, you had better zip your lips or you will have an aerial dishonorable discharge.
Pippin: With a boot-print on my butt?
Gandalf: Yes.
* The two walk in *
Gandalf: Heyope, old soggy face! What’s happenin’?
Denethor: I’ve just found Boromir’s horn, cleft in twain.
Pippin: Say, that really does look like a cornucopia, without the fruit. It’s my fault! Me and my urges to leap into Uruk’s arms! Please, enlist me, I’ve gone through boot camp!
Gandalf: Not for much longer you won’t…
Near Cirith Ungol
Gollum: Up the stairs we go go go! Oh, and, careful of the Orcs parading below us. They’ve all passed boot camp.
Sam: Nasty Gollum.
Frodo: Oh, be quiet, Sam!
Gollum: Tee hee
Back at the Roharrim camp, Elrond appears to force his sword on Aragorn
Aragorn: Gee, dat’s great.
Elrond: Now go crawl down a path with scary ghost people.
Aragorn: Gee, dat’s great.
Back at Minas Tirith
Gandalf: Cadet Took! I have a mission for you!
Pippin: Will I get a merit badge?
Gandalf: Maaybe, maaaaybe not. Ah, what am I saying! Go climb up a sheer tower of rock and drop a lamp of fire onto flammable wood. Don’t get caught.
Pippin: Sounds fun!
* Pippin lights the fire and scampers away, leaving two befuddled guards to suddenly convert to devout Christianity *
Back at the Paths of the Dead
Aragorn: I am not afraid of death.
* Aragorn secretly thinks, ‘Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln, I’m scared to death of death’ *
Legolas: I’ll show that stinky ol’ Gandalf I’m not a lady, OR a turd!
Gimli: Er, wait up chaps!
Ghost King: Woohoo, new people to freak out! So, what’s the excuse this time?
Aragorn: I’m from boot camp, I’ve come to recruit you for a battle.
Ghost King: We don’t take kindly to that ’round here.
* Ghost Community shoulders machine guns *
Ghost Community: Killlll!
Aragorn: Tough tiddles, Kingy-wingy, too bad you won’t ever be able to be freed of your terrible curse.
Ghost King: Er, wait up there! Ehem, we might be able to work a little something-something out.
Aragorn: I thought you might think so.
Back at Minas Tirith
Pippin: You know, Denethor, it’s not very nice to send your own son on a kamikaze mission.
Denethor: That maggot? Aw, who gives a rat’s hooey. Say, sing for me, little man, while I loudly masticate my food.
Pippin: Nice, real nice.
* Pippin sings a short song. Pippin bursts into sobbing fits *
Gandalf: Man up, Cadet Took, or you’ll never graduate from boot camp!
* Faramir gets dragged in by his patient and understanding horse *
Denethor: Woohoo!
Gandalf: You are one sick puppy, Denny. Boot to the head.
* Gandalf boots Denethor in the head *
Denethor: Oww, you booted me in the head!
* Denethor collapses *
*Gandalf shakes his head *
Gandalf: That guy’s got squirrels juggling knives in his head.
Near Cirith Ungol
* Gollum creeps about, throwing the lembas bread over a cliff *
Gollum: Woohoo, no more bad, choking MRE for us!
Sam: I heard that, you maggot! You turd!
Frodo: Easy, now, Sam! No need to call him both maggot AND turd!
Sam: Don’t believe him, Mr. Frodo! He’s trying to kill us!
Frodo: Aw shaddap! Go home! Sit, stay!
* Gollum leads Frodo up the steep path while Sam bursts into tears, unable to man up without the help of Gandalf *
Gollum: Right this way, master. Walk right into big spider web while I hide.
Frodo: Urm, ok.
Shelob: Woohoo! Thanks, Gollum.
Gollum: Go get ‘im, Shelob.
Frodo: Ah! Help! Sam! Help! Gollum! Help!
Gollum: Say, “Fonzie,” master! Say, “Fonzie!”
* Frodo miraculously escapes *
Frodo: All right, it’s time to man up.
Gollum: Ehm, I’ll be going now.
Frodo: Oh no you don’t!
* Frodo hurls Gollum off a cliff *
Frodo: I feel goooood!
Back at Minas Tirith
* Denethor, having recovered from the boot to his head, pours oil all over himself and Faramir *
Denethor: No proper burial for you and me, big-nosed worthless Faramir!
Pippin: Zounds, you crazy coot! Faramir’s alive! Oh yeah, go Pip, you’ll get a merit badge for recognizing a pulse!
Denethor: I un-enlist you, little interfering man! Go away while I fry my son and myself.
Pippin: Gandalf!
Gandalf: What, you irritating little beast of burden!
Pippin: They’re grilling Faramir, and I don’t mean like an interrogation!
Gandalf: Good gosh, Cadet Took! Get up here on Shadowfax!
Pippin: Ungh, I need a stool! Yipe!
* Gandalf grabs Pippin and gallops off *
* Shadowfax courageously breaks the doors down *
Gandalf: Fool of a king!
Denethor: You can’t stop me!
* Denethor cackles like the pyromaniac he is, and lights himself and Faramir on fire *
Pippin: No! You pyromaniac freak!
* Pippin hops onto the burning altar *
Gandalf: On three, you weak, worthless maggot, you had better flip that soldier! Next it’ll be Hummvees! One, two, three!
* Pippin gathers his hobbit strength and shoves Faramir off *
Denethor: What the hey do you think you’re doing! Stop that!
Faramir: * sniff sniff * I smell something cooking.
Pippin: It’s you!
Faramir: Cripes!
Denethor: Don’t take my son away from me! I want to go to eternity with him!
Gandalf: Knock it off, Denny!
Denethor: Oh, no you don’t, Gandy! You can’t boot me in the head this time, ’cause I’ll boot you first! Boot to the head!
* Denethor boots *
Gandalf: You missed.
Denethor: Uhhm, yeah, I think I’ll just…
Gandalf: You, too, shall be honored by experiencing the expertise of Tai Kwan Leep! Boot to the head.
* Gandalf boots Denethor in the head *
Denethor: Heeey, you booted me in the head!
* Denethor promptly falls into the burning alter, catches fire, and runs off the edge of Minas Tirith *
Pippin: Now that’s what I call an aerial dishonorable discharge! Without the boot-print on the butt!
Near Cirith Ungol
* Frodo promptly gets stabbed by Shelob when he doesn’t expect it, and begins foaming at the mouth as if he has rabies *
* Shelob neatly packages him and labels him, “Hobbit” before Sam pops out of the cave and stabs her *
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Oh, Mr. Frodo! Don’t go with an dishonorable discharge and a stab-mark in your belly button!
* Orcs come wandering around *
* Sam skitters away *
Orc 82: Woohoo, check out that son of a gun!
Orc 74: Shelob’s doin’?
Orc 82: You betcha. Come on, let’s strip him in our tower before he wakes up.
Sam: He’s alive? Oh my GOSH, I’m an idiot! * sob, sob * Ok, man up, Samwise.
Minas Tirith
* Black ships come up *
Orc 45: Never trust the sea. Sea always so slow!
* Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli pop out *
Orc 57: Oh, they’re just little guys!
* Whole ghost community pops out and slaughters all the orcs with a few sweeps of their machine guns *
Orc 57: Oish, I hurt. But ya know, it’s a good kind of hurt. * dies *
Aragorn: That was swell, you guys!
Ghost community: Aw, well, ya know, just doin’ our jobs.
Aragorn: Ok, you’re free. Toodles!
Ghost community: Toodles!
Tower of Cirith Ungol
* Sam stomps about, killing hundreds of orcs with several straifs of his machine gun. He saves Frodo’s life… again *
Frodo: Sam! Oh, I’m so sorry, Sam! You were right, Gollum was a little twerp, and… and… * bursts into tears *
Sam: Whoa there, nelly. Man up.
* Frodo wipes a tear from his eye *
Sam: Better? Now give me ten push-ups, maggot!
Frodo: Oh, Sam. You’re so funny!
Sam: No, seriously. I want to see you try to do push-ups with your beer gut hanging out.
Frodo: Ouch.
Sam: Well, suppose I’d better find some civies for you.
Frodo: It would be nice.
Sam: Or I could just leave you to shiver in nothing but your whitie-tighties.
Frodo: Not FUNNY, Sam!
Sam: Tee hee hee hee!

DAY 23
Pelennor Fields
* Fight, smash, gish, crunch, chop, hack, die *
* Legolas surveys an oliphaunt, packed with orcs and men *
Legolas: I’ll show that mean ol’ Gandalf I know how to fight!And I’m NOT a turd!
* Legolas shoulders a Rocket Propelled Grenade and blows the oliphaunt away *
Legolas: * thin wail * Ahh! I broke a fingernail, I broke a fingernail!
Aragorn: Aw, tell it to the manicurist, turd.
Gimli: That still only counts as one!!
Witch King: Target: human king on the white horse!
* Witch King drives his tank at King Theoden *
King Theoden: Yipe!
* Eowyn stuffs rock into tank’s cannon *
* Tank explodes *
Merry: Give me thirty-five push-ups, soldier! Tee hee hee! Yipe!
Witch King: Fool! That was an antique Sherman tank of the Wraith world! Die!
Eowyn: * Stab. *
Merry: * Slap * Owie!
Witch King: Aiye! That hurts!
* Witch King curls up and dies *
* Pippin wanders through the battle scene, and finds Merry, a little hurt *
Pippin: Merry! What’dya know!
* Pippin hugs Merry *
Pippin: I missed you!
Merry: I hurt.
Pippin: I’ll take care of you. Here, let me cover you with this blanket off of an Orc’s pack.
Merry: Ehh, thanks. Do ya think we’ll ever graduate this boot camp?
Pippin: I didn’t know we graduated from boot camp.
Merry: Oo.
Pippin: Here, Merry, I’ve removed the grenades from the blanket for you.
Merry: Um, Pip? The pins are supposed to stay IN the grenades.
Pippin: Whoops.
Mordor
Frodo: I’m not sure if I like these clothes.
Sam: If you don’t like it, you can go naked again.
Frodo: You know, I really like these clothes.
Sam: Good boy.
* A while later *
Frodo: I can’t take it! It’s so hot and far!
Sam: Ok, I’ll carry you. Oh man, I am gonna get such a merit badge for this!
Outside Mordor
Aragorn: Knock knock, mister Saaaurooon!
* Sauron send out all his orcs *
Orc leader: Bazookas!
Aragorn: Machine guns!
* Fight ensues *
Mordor
Gollum: Very clever for hobbits to climb so high!
Sam: Well duuuuh, what did you think we were gonna do?
Gollum: Give us the ring!
* Gollum attacks Sam *
Sam: Some mascot you are! Go away! Bad Gollum, bad!
* Frodo flees *
* Sam and Gollum follow *
Sam: Destroy the ring, Frodo!
Frodo: It’s so pretty… I want to touch it.
Sam: Destroy the (expletive deleted) ring!
Frodo: Mine! Mine!
* Frodo puts the ring on *
Gollum: Mine! Mine!
* Gollum leaps on the invisible Frodo, sorts out the fingers, and chomps down on one *
* Frodo appears, screaming his bloody head off at his bloody hand *
Gollum: Mine! Mine! The ring is mine, along with a snackie!
Frodo: Oh no you don’t!
* Frodo body-slams Gollum, sending him and the ring into the lava and neutralizing it *
* Eagles fly over Sauron’s tower, releasing a B-61 nuclear warhead. Eagle wingmen release Napalms over Orc army *
* Explosion, shockwave, mushroom-cloud *
Pippin: Ooh, mushroom!
On Mount Doom
Sam: We’re gonna die.
Frodo: We’re gonna die.
Eagles: Here we come to save the daaaaaay!

DAY 28
Minas Tirith, a little less war-torn
* Aragorn gets crowned, begins singing. Arwen appears. Big, sappy romance comes to a happy ending. All the hobbits bow to Aragorn *
Aragorn: My friends, you bow to no one.
Gandalf: Except me, you maggots! Drop down, give me fifteen push-ups!
* Hobbits are astounded, and a little unhappy *
Gandalf: Gotcha! You all graduate, and get merit badges all around!
Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas: Woohoo!
Shire
Frodo: Well, we’ve graduated boot camp. I’m going to kill that Bilbo if he isn’t dead all ready. Well, off I go to elf-heaven!
Merry: I’m gonna miss you!
Pippin: * bursts into tears * Waaaah! I miss you all ready!
Sam: Do you have to?
Frodo: Yes. I need to be free from Gandalf and his push-ups and his name-calling! Well, enough with long goodbyes, see yuh!
* Frodo climbs into boat *
* Frodo hears from the back of the boat: *
Gandalf: Guess who you’re stuck with for eternity, maggot.