Lord of the Rodents! Part four… **dramatic music**
As always, by RachieAchie

We continue on the perilous journey of our intrepid explorers… Hello? What’s this?

Bah-bah-BUM.

Newsreader: Hello, and welcome back to Quick Recap News. I am your host, Mr. I. Reedit.

WHAT?? I didn’t ask for a newsreader! I didn’t even ask for a recap!

Newsreader: Yes, well, I’m here now aren’t I. *clears throat* The story so far:

A young mouse named Frodo Baggins has left his comfortable home with three friends, on a quest to destroy an evil seed of power. On the way they are beaten up by various horrid things. They team up with a couple of gerbils, a guinea pig, a rat & a hamster. They must now travel to The Garden to destroy said seed, all the while avoiding the Dark Lord of the Garden, an alley cat named…
*shuffles papers*
Sauron? What kind of a weird person calls a cat Sauron? Ahem, anyway…
Unfortunately their quest takes an unexpected turn in the form of a bat, which disposes of their leader guinea pig. They are left, alone, frightened & grieving. It is up to Aragorn, a gerbil, whom some believe always was the real leader…

Aragorn: YES! Thank you, exactly.
Newsreader: Shut up.
Aragorn: Sorry. Carry on.
Newsreader. I intend to.

It is up to Aragorn, a gerbil, whom some believe always was the real leader
*sideways glance at Aragorn*
to take charge & lead them safely into The Garden. Mr. I. Reedit, Quick Recap News, reporting.

Uh…Thanks? By the way, what kind of animal are you?

Newsreader: I could ask you the very same question.

Hey, I’m just the narrator!

Newsreader: Well, you know what I say to the narrator? SQUAWK!

Oh, don’t tell me. Polly want a cracker?

Newsreader: Don’t patronise me.

ANYWAY!!! Let’s get on with it already…

Aragorn: Legolas, Gimli, Boromir. Get them up. On your feet Sam. *hoiks Sam up off the ground*. Frodo! Come on.
Legolas: Hey!
Aragorn: What?
Legolas: Well… Ok, you know how you said “Legolas, Gimli, Boromir. Get them up”?
Aragorn: …Yeah…
Legolas: Well, including you, that makes four of us, to four hobbits, one for each hobbit, right?
Aragorn: …Right…
Legolas: Yeah, but you just got two of them up, which means there’s only two hobbits left, but there’s three of us, so that leaves one person with nobody to get up right?
Aragorn: *very long pause* …Ri-ight…
Legolas: So why did you ask us all to get them up?
Aragorn: *even longer pause* …Yes. Ok, let’s go to The Top Of The Stairs.
Legolas: Oooh, rats! Yay! At last, some intelligent conversation!
All: HEY!
Legolas: Oh, come on, face the facts, guys.

They all give him an evil glare.

Legolas: Eh, he he, he…he? Let’s go.

They all set off for the top of the stairs.

Gimli: Stay close young mice. They say that a great sorceress lives in this place. A rat-witch of terrible power.

Frodo

Gimli: All who look upon her fall under her spell…

Your coming to us is as the pawsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, Seedbearer.

Gimli: …and are never seen again. Well, here’s one hamster she won’t ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk & the ears of a fox.
Merry: *aside, to Pippin* Pretty flipping funny hamster with hawk eyes & fox ears.
Pippin: Tee hee.

Just then a hoard of rats with bows and arrows appear as if out of nowhere.

Rat: The hamster squeaks so loud we could have shot him in the dark.
Legolas: Oh, you think THAT’S bad! You should hear him in his running wheel.
Gimli: *brandishes axe* Say that again, RAT, and you’ll be less a chunk of fur.
Legolas: *hurt* You say “rat” as if it were a bad thing.
Aragorn: **in rat** Haldir of The Top Of The Stairs, we need your help.
Gimli: So much for the fabled hospitality of the rats. Speak words we can all understand.

Haldir gives Gimli an evil glare.

Haldir: We have not had dealings with hamsters since the days when the lightbulb was broken (ie. the dark days).
Gimli: And you know what this hamster says to that? SEWER!

All the rats (including Legolas) gasp. Several burst into tears.

Aragorn: That was not so courteous. Don’t be so mean, you know how ashamed the rats are of their brutish sewer residing cousins.
Gimli: Yeah, well, you know what that says about their kind…
Aragorn: Shh.

The fellowship (except Legolas & Gimli) set about comforting the rats. After a few boxes of tissues & some comforting words, they are allowed to see the Rat of Light herself (& her hubby)

Celeborn: Eight there are here yet nine there were set out from the Bathroom. Tell me where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him.
Galadriel: *using creepy, telepathicky mind-reading power* He has fallen into shadow. The quest stands upon the edge of a razor blade. Stray but a little & it will fail to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow & much toil. Tonight you will sleep in peace.

Welcome, Frodo of the Cage. One who has seen the EYE!

Frodo: *thinks* Er, actually, I haven’t.

Oh. Well, welcome, Frodo of the Cage. One who has not seen the EYE!

The fellowship are all setting up sleeping bags etc. for a good night’s sleep.
Legolas: A lament for Gandalf.
Merry: What do they say about him?
Legolas: I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.
Pippin: What, that Gandalf fell?
Legolas: No. *sniff* What Gimli said about s-s-sewer rats…

He turns away.

Over to Aragorn & Boromir.

Aragorn: Get some rest. These borders are well protected.
Boromir: I will find no rest here. There’s too much prickly grass & not enough nice, soft sawdust.
Aragorn: …Yeah, I know what you mean. Hey, am I going completely insane or can Galadriel talk to you inside your head?
Boromir: …You’re going completely insane.
Aragorn: Oh…ok…

Aragorn walks off.

Boromir: Ha ha! My evil plot is working! If I make Aragorn believe he is mad he’ll never agree to take the throne of Gondor!!! MWA HA HA!!!
Aragorn: *offstage* I heard that!
Boromir: Darn.

Later that night, everyone but Frodo is asleep. He sees Galadriel walking past. He follows her. She walks until she comes to one of those snow-shaker things you get on souvenir stands.

Galadriel: Will you look into the snowstorm?
Frodo: What will I see?
Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell. For the snow shaker shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.
Frodo: Funny, all I see is little white things.
Galadriel: Well I haven’t shaken it yet have I?

Duh-brain.

Frodo: Hey! I heard that!

You did? Oh, curse this two-way telepathic power!

She shakes the snowy scene & Frodo begins to see something quite different. He sees a huge hand taking all his friends out of their Cage & putting them in a cardboard box. Then he sees the Cage being put into the shed. Finally he sees his friends being shipped to a pet-shop to be sold.

Frodo: Eep!
Galadriel: I know what it is you saw. For it is also in my mind.

It is what will come to pass if you should fail. The fellowship is breaking. It has already begun. He will try to take the seed. You know of whom I speak. One by one it will destroy them all.
Frodo thinks: Hmm… That’s bad, right?

*sigh* Yes, that’s very bad.

Frodo thinks: Oh, right. Well, better be off then.

What? You’re meant to offer me the seed so I can go a little crazy and then refuse to take it and then diminish and go into the west and remain Galadriel!

Frodo: Oh. Well, now we both know what happens I’ve saved a lot of time by just not offering it to you, eh?
Galadriel: I suppose so. Ah well. Oh, here are some Christmas presents for your friends. They may as well have them now.
Frodo: Thanks…Hey, hang on, there are only 7 presents here! *looks through presents* Where’s Gimli’s?
Galadriel: Oh, that hamster. Well, you’ll think of something.

Later the next day the Fellowship are preparing to leave.

Frodo: Here you go guys. Pressies from Galadriel!
All: Yay! Pressies!
Gimli: Hey! Where’s my present?
Frodo: Umm… *thinks* Ok, Frodo time to use some of that famous Burrowins initiative.

He looks around. Fortunately, summer is coming & Galadriel is shedding her winter coat.

Frodo: Er, she gave you… These three pieces of fur! *thinks* Pieces of fur?!?!?! As if he’s going to fall for that!!!
Gimli: Oh! How did she know!
Frodo: *aside* Wow, hamsters really are dumb!
Legolas: YES! THANK YOU! I quite agree.
Gimli: Agree with what?
Frodo: Um… he agrees that… three pieces of fur is a really great present…?
Gimli: Ah yes.
Aragorn: Anyway, we should probably get going. I think Gimli’s outstayed our welcome…

All the rats are lined up on the bank, glaring their beady eyes at the hamster.

Gimli: Errr.. Let’s go.

They all walk around looking for a form of transport.

Legolas: Aragorn…
Aragorn: *innocently* Yes Legolas?
Legolas: HOW ON MIDDLE-EARTH DO WE GET OUT OF HERE!!!!????
Aragorn: Oh, keep your fur on… there’s your answer. *points*

The fellowship look where he is pointing. There is a pair of roller skates. The fellowships gaze switches from the skates, to the long staircase, to Aragorn, who is smiling cheekily.

Boromir: You don’t mean…

Aragorn nods.

Pippin: We’re not going down there… in those?!

Aragorn nods again.

All: NO!!
Aragorn: Well how else do you propose we get down there?
Legolas: Well we could… or maybe… perhaps… um…
Aragorn: Exactly… *evil laugh*
Sam: You know that evil laugh don’t exactly fill me with confidence.

Aragorn stops laughing abruptly.

Aragorn: IT DOESN’T EXACTLY FILL YOU WITH CONFIDENCE! NOT DON’T, DOESN’T!! YOU FLAMING NUMBSKULL!!!!! WHY CAN’T NOBODY AROUND HERE SPEAK RIGHT!!
Boromir: *evil smirk* …That’s a double negative.
Aragorn: *quietly, in disbelief* W…what? *faints*
Pippin: Oh, well done Boromir. Now we have to wait for him to wake up.

Aragorn starts snoring. The fellowship groan.

Much later…

Aragorn: *waking up suddenly* What? Where? Who?

The rest of the fellowship cheer; they have been incredibly bored for hours.

Merry: Come on, let’s go. Even riding roller skates is better than this…

The four mice clamber into one roller skate, the other four in the other. They line themselves up at the top of the stairs.

Aragorn: Ok, this requires meticulous care. First we have to… WHOA!!!

Boromir has got bored already. With one quick movement he pushes the roller skate down the stairs.

Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn: AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boromir: WOO!!!! WOO HOO!!!! YEEHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pippin: Hmm… That looks fun!
Frodo: Yeah! Let’s go!

Sam pushes their roller skate down. Unfortunately he pushes it a little too hard…

Mice: EEEEEEEeeeeeee……k.

At that moment RachieAchie (that’s me folks!!) comes out of the kitchen & sees a pair of roller skates sliding down stairs on their own, with small screams & woo hoo’s coming out of them. She watches them as they roll on their downward descent. One takes over the other & crashes to the bottom. This one is emitting screams so high & quiet the girl has to strain her ears to hear them. The second one rolls to a more gentle halt, emitting screams slightly less high pitched, & one solitary “woo!”. She stands for a moment, wondering at this strange phenomenon. She is about to go over & investigate further when the phone rings. She goes to answer it. There is a moment of silence from the skates. Then…

Aragorn: Ok… three things. Firstly; I’m alive. This is a good thing.
Boromir: *aside* Yeah, for some people.
Aragorn: Secondly; Is everyone else alive?
Legolas: Yes… at least I think I am…
Gimli: No, I’m a bowl of soup.
Boromir: ???
Legolas: Oh, he just banged his head on the side. *thwacks Gimli round the head*
Gimli: Ow… what did I do?
Aragorn: Good. And thirdly; That… was… close. We were almost caught…
Legolas: Who by?
Aragorn: Her, over there on the phone…
RachieAchie: Oh, hi Ellie… Saturday? Yeah, ok. …Really? Oh, you’re kidding me! …No way! You are soooo lucky!!
Boromir: *pause* What on Middle Earth is she talking about?
Aragorn: How should I know?

Meanwhile, in the other skate…

Pippin: Hey, that WAS fun! Let’s do it again!
Merry: Sure Pip. You find us a way to get back up there & we’ll do it again.
Pippin: Ah.
Frodo: Who’s that? *points to RachieAchie*
Sam: I dunno Mr Frodo, but if she’s a teenager she’ll be on that phone for hours… I reckon we might just be able to sneak past her…

Newsreader: Will our intrepid friends ever manage to get past & continue on their quest? Will they ever manage to destroy the seed? And what is that obsession with correcting people’s grammar that Aragorn has?? Find out in the next instalment of

LORD OF THE RODENTS!!!

Newsreader: Oh, why didn’t I get a job waiting on tables?