THE LORD OF THE SOAP

I amar prestar aen…
The world is changed.

han mathon ne nen…
I feel it in the bath

han mathon ne chae…
I feel it in the mud

a han noston ned gwilith.
I smell it in the Carbon Dioxide and Oxygen

Much that once was is lost. For we can not find it.

It began with the forging of the great Soaps. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen in their bubble bathes And nine, nine Soaps were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else, desire cleanliness. For within these Soaps was bound the strength and will to clean each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another Soap was made.

In the land of Mordor, in the water of Mount Bath, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master Soap, to control all others. And into this Soap, he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life, and a lot of Sodium Tallowate .

(Sauron stands inside Mount Bath)

“One Soap to rule them all.”

(Wild men attack villages)

One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Soap. But there were some who resisted. (A very dirty army of Elves and Men are seen on the field of Dagorlad) A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the slopes of Mount Bath they fought for the cleanness of Middle-Earth.

(Armies of orcs attack the Elves and Men, who fight back bravely.)

Victory was near. But the power of the Soap could not be undone.

(Sauron steps onto the battlefield, carrying a Rubber Ducky and the Soap of Power in his Hand. Everyone turns and looks at him with fear in their eyes. He swings his Duck, sending a group of Elves flying through the air. Elendil raises his back scrubber to strike, but Sauron flings him against a rock, crushing him to death. Shocked, Isidur runs over to his fallen father. Suddenly, he is aware of someone behind him, he roles over, seeing Sauron towering above him)

It was in this moment when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father’s Back scrubber.

(Isildur grabs the handle of Narsil, but Sauron stomps on it, shattering the bristles. Sauron reaches down towards Isildur with the hand carrying the Soap. With a desperate attempt, Isildur let’s out a cry and strikes Sauron’s hand with the shards of Narsil, slicing off the Hand bearing the One Soap. Sauron let’s out a cry. He implodes, sending a shockwave throughout the battlefield, knocking the warriors off their feet. His armour falls to the ground, his body gone. Bubbles emerge from within the armour)

Sauron, the enemy of the free-peoples of Middle-Earth was defeated. The Soap passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy cleanness forever.

(Isildur slowly reaches for the remains of Sauron’s Hand bearing the Soap. The Hand turns to Foam in his hands, but the Soap shimmers faintly in a pattern of little yellow ducks)

But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the Soap of Power has a will of its own.

(Isildur is riding trough the forest with a group of warriors, when ambushed by orcs.)

It betrayed Isildur to his death…

(Isildur floats down Anduin face down in the water, dead, with three water bombes exploded on his back. The Soap sinks into the depths of the river)

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.

History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half thousand years, the Soap passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.

Gollum:. My CLEANNIEEE

The Soap came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Musty Mountains. And there, it consumed him in it’s much feared bubble bath.

(The Musty Mountains are shown, Gollum sits in a little pool inside the mountains)

Gollum: It came to me, my own, my love, my own, My Cleannie!

The Soap brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind. And in the blinding cleanliness of Gollum’s cave, it waited. detergent crept back into the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a cleanness in the east, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Soap of Power perceived. Its time had now come.
It abandoned Gollum.

(the Soap falls down on the rocks, landing in a pile of sand)

But something happened then the Soap did not intend. It was slipped on by the most unlikely creature imaginable.

(A young Bilbo appears from mid air, landing on the soap, slipping on the soap then picking up the Soap from the sand)

Bilbo: Aaaggggh What the? What’s this?

A Hobbit: Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.

Bilbo: A Soap.

Gollum: (from far away) Lossssst! My Cleannie is lost!
(Bilbo, alarmed, puts the Soap in his pocket)

For the time will soon come when Hobbits will slip on the fortunes of all.

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