Frodo, Sam, and Gollum were walking through a tunnel into Mordor. “Why are we here again Mr. Frodo?” asked Sam. “Sam, we’ve been trying to get to Mordor and destroy the ring, remember?” “First I’ve heard of it. What ring?” “This one!” yelled Frodo pulling out the one ring. “Oh, that thing that’s been driving us insane,” said Sam throwing it at a wall in an attempt to destroy it, but all it does is make a loud, “GONG!” Then they heard a monstrous scream followed by many footsteps. A giant spider jumped out charging Frodo and Sam, but not Gollum. Then Frodo pulled out his stick and darted towards the spider yelling elvish chants. The spider almost ate him, but his mommy called him for dinner, and scolded him for almost eating a snack. Gollum tightened his fists and mumbled.
All at Helms Deep were afraid. “Remember men don’t fire at them unless they strike first!” yelled Aragorn. “Who put you in charge?” asked a soldier. “I did! Now, shut up!” yelled Aragorn. Everyone was in their positions, except little Timmy he was still in the well. The orcs were in sight, but they had no weapons. One orc was screaming something… “Tea party, tea party!” So the men got their pink napkins and tablecloths, and the orcs got their plastic tables and cups. They had a splendid time, but the orcs were allergic to tea, so they went home with tummy aches. Since the orcs left the men won! Then Gandalf came with millions of riders. “Where’s the orcs?” he asked. “We won! They left with tummy aches, but I wish they could stay longer,” said Aragorn. Gandalf looked at them confused but… no just confused.
Merry and Pippin wake up in a bizarre rugged land, and the Ents were attacking a towel with origami swans. “What’s going on?” asked Merry. “The Ents are attacking the towel Orthanc,” exclaimed Pippin. Then all the Ents gave a great shout of victory. “What’s going on?” asked Merry again. “We have taken over the fortress Orthanc,” said Treebeard. “Ok, but why are we here?” asked Merry. “You have helped us decide, master Merry,” said Treebeard. “How could I? I was asleep since you picked us up!” “You were sleep talking,” said Pippin. “How would you know?” “I was awake.” “Then why didn’t you wake me up?” “You didn’t ask.”
“All is now victorious. We must hasten to Orthanc: the fortress of Saruman!” said Gandalf. When they got there it was torn apart wet and there were two short men sleeping. “Hello, would you be so kind as to tell us what happened?” asked Legolas. “King me! I saw that put him back!” said Merry. “It’s Merry!” exclaimed Gimli. “How can you tell?” asked Aragorn. “He talks in his sleep.” Pippin and Merry woke gladly to see their friends.
“What’s that noise?” asked Sam. “Sounds like orcs,” said Gollum. “Hey, you’re right here they come now!” said Frodo. Then Sam ran to a corner with Gollum. Then the orcs took Frodo away. “This is more fun than knitting!” said Frodo.”No, it’s not,” said Gollum. “Yes, it is,” said Sam. “No, it’s not! “Yes, it is. It’s your fault Mr. Frodo got caught by those orcs.” “Fine, it’s preciouss’s fault… you save him,” said Gollum slinking away. Sam followed the orcs trail of gumdrops and penny whistles. Then Sam stepped on something, “What’s this? It’s Frodo’s ring!” Then quickly Sam put it on. “I’m coming Mr. Frodo!”
“I can’t believe you’re alive,” said Legolas. “Well, it’s a long story… that you’ll want to hear,” said Merry. “First, these giant orcs took us away, and then I decided that these orcs were not as tough as I thought. Of course Pippin was scared, but I defeated all of the orcs with all of my awesomeness!” “You were asleep!” yelled Pippin. “Well, it would’ve happened if I was awake!” They went for Gondor. Then the Rohan soldiers caught up with them. “We wish to take the halflings with us. They seem to be greater warriors than we expected,” said the captain. “Um… you can take… Merry!” said Aragorn. “What?” exclaimed Merry. “All, right then, see ya later.” “That was random… come now off to Gondor!” yelled Gandalf
“Where am I?” asked Frodo. “You’re in Mordor in the tower of Cirith Ungol,” laughed an orc. “Where’s my cloak, and my stick, and my…” “We took ’em.” “Why?” “They are nice. We can play defend the fortress all we want with your stuff.” “Well it’s nice up here with the great view of Mordor and Mount Doom.”
“Almost there,” said Sam. Sam ran past the orcs, and they were fighting over a stick. “Stupid orcs. Hey, maybe…” “Like I said, Jeff, this stick is…” said one orc then falling down face first. “Ha, it’s my stick no…” said the other orc falling down. “Wise guy huh? I’ll teach you not to trip me when I’m fighting for a stick!” said the orc punching the other in the face. “Well, I better go save Mr. Frodo,” said Sam.
“Here we are, Gondor,” said Gandalf noticing that the others were playing a game. “Hey guys, hanging out?” asked Gandalf. “Yes,” said Gimli looking down at his stomach. “Gandalf, there’s something we’ve been wanting to tell you… we don’t want to go to Gondor, instead we want to go to The Paths of the Dead.” said Aragorn. “You guys want to go to The Paths of the Dead? That’s suicide!” “Yah, we know,” said Legolas. “All right, it’s your funeral.”
Sam was almost at the top of the tower. “Hmm… I could save Frodo, I could go destroy the ring, or I could join these orcs and destroy the world… I’ll save Frodo.” Sam was almost at the top. He climbed a ladder, and opened a secret door. “What?” wondered Sam. He saw what he didn’t expect. Frodo was having a party with the orcs. “Why, Sam hello. You’re just in time. The orcs and I have made peace.” “Well, make peace with this orc man!” yelled Sam slicing the orc in half. “Sam! What are you doing? He owed me money!” exclaimed Frodo. “Come on Mr. Frodo. Let us go destroy that ring!”
“Remind me what we’re doing again,” asked Gimli. “We’re going to The Paths of the Dead. Remember?” asked Aragorn. “Oh, yeah… wait a minute what am I doing here?” asked Gimli. “Come on, Gimli. It won’t be that bad,” said Legolas. “Yeah, we’re just entering the house of the cursed forever that will shrill your spine even when you think about them,” said Aragorn. “Well, there’s something to look forward to,” said Gimli walking into the cave. “Ok, guys, right now I’m officially freaked out,” said Gimli looking at all of the skeletons and corpses. “Really? I think it’s quite charming,” said Aragorn playing with a spider. “There looking at my hair! Dead things are looking at my hair!” yelled Legolas nervously. “What’s that noise!” yelled Gimli jumping up. “It’s only the dead following us, Gimli,” said Aragorn. “Hey, look a light! We’re saved!” yelled Gimli while doing back flips and cartwheels. “Don’t be so sure my stout little anxious friend,” said Legolas. “Hey, who you calling little?” They walked up to what they thought was the door, but it was a statue. “It says something,” said Aragorn trying to read it, “All that stay here will live in dread; for none shall defeat the King of the Dead! Hah, that rhymes.” “Fools! prepare to meet your doom!” said a voice. Then the whole cave started rumbling. “I knew I should’ve taken the cooking course!” said Gimli crouching under Legolas.
“C’mon, Mr. Frodo, let’s go destroy that ring!” said Sam dragging Frodo to Mount Doom. “Wait up, Sam! I need to put my makeup on!” said Frodo. “Makeup? You don’t wear makeup!” “Well, I don’t care. I think it makes me look pretty.” “Now, listen Mr. Frodo I… would like to try some makeup on!” “There they are precious. We must beat them to the horrible mountain!” said Gollum running toward the mountain.
“Gandalf, where is Merry?” asked Pippin. “Sssshhhhh! His journey is secret! Do not mention it at all, especially when we’re in the king’s throne room,” said Gandalf. “We get to see the king!” sang Pippin. “But,” interrupted Gandalf, “you must not speak of the ring, our mission, or what color your underwear is!” “Hey, that was just one time!” They walked to the king’s throne room. “Now, Pippin, show respect to this man he’s very troubled.” “Hello, Gandalf,” mumbled King Denethor. “King Denethor, it is so good to finally meet you in person,” said Gandalf. “Your name is Denethor? Hey, did you make Denny’s? Is your name really Denethor or Denorthina?” laughed Pippin. “Pippin!” mumbled Gandalf giving Pippin that look… you know THAT look. Pippin slowly backed away. Then they heard a scream. “The Nazgul have come,” said King Denethor running to a place far away, but he tripped on a rock and died. “W-w-what? I can’t believe you killed him, Gandalf,” cried Pippin. “I didn’t kill him.” “He was like a brother to me.” “You didn’t even know him.” Just then a Nazgul on his fell beast broke through the ceiling. “Are you ready?” asked the Nazgul heading towards them. Then millions of orcs came to Minas Tirith.
“ready men?” asked the king of the dead. “Then all around them dead people sprung back to life saying, “Ready!” Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli got in their fighting positions. “a-one, a-one, a-one two three. Oh when the Saints, go marching in, oh when the saints go marching in, oh how i want to be in that number, when the saints go marching in!” “That was beautiful!” said Gimli. “Yeah, yeah, don’t touch my hair!” yelled Legolas. “That was great, but now we have to go. See ya later!” said Aragorn as they ran outside.
“Well I think we look pretty enough,” said Frodo getting up. “Why, yes we do. Now let’s go destroy that ring!When Gandalf was about to battle one of the Nazgul, the Riders of Rohan, along with Merry and Eowyn, rode down to Minis Tirith. “Merry!” yelled Pippin, “You’re not supposed to come yet!” “Yes, we are. That’s what king Theoden said,” answered Merry. “Oh, well if the king said it… carry on!” Then the orcs started whooping the Riders. Merry fell off of his horse and hit his foot on a rock. “Ow,” said Merry, “I broke my foot!” (He didn’t break his foot; he’s just exaggerating). Just then the nazgul flew away from Gandalf because he looked pretty tough. “I’ll go pick on the less fortunate,” thought the nazgul. Then when Merry felt better he stood up and looked around, and there was the fell beast fighting King Theoden. “Get him kingy! Kick his butt!” cheered Merry. Then King Theoden died. “Well, that stinks!” yelled Merry. Then the nazgul told his fell beast to attack Merry. “Oh, poo.”
Sam and Frodo were almost at the Crack of Doom when Frodo said, “Sam, wait!” “What is it now?” “My nails need coloring.” “Well… here,” said Sam tossing a can in Frodo’s lap. “What’s this?” “Pink hair spray. I was saving it for Gandalf, but since he’s dead, I guess I don’t…” “Thanks Sam. You’re a good sport,” interrupted Frodo taking the hair spray.
Merry was ready to meet his doom when all of the sudden a ship came to the riverside. It had a black flag on it. “We’re doomed!” said Pippin looking down from the tower. “We have returned!” said Aragorn stepping out of the ship with Legolas and Gimli. “Aragorn, promise me I don’t have to ride with that barfing dwarf ever again,” said Legolas. “It’s not my fault I… well, it is my fault but…” “Lobster dinner!” yelled Legolas. Then Gimli threw up again. “Come on dead guys let’s kick orc boo-tee!” yelled Aragorn leading all of the dead with him into war. “Aragorn help!” yelled Merry. Just before the fell beast took a swipe at him, Eowyn jumped out saying, “If you want his life you must go through me first!” Then the fell beast tore her head off. “I never liked her anyway,” said Merry. The nazgul laughed when he went up to swipe Merry’s head off with his sword. Then a cow fell out of the sky and killed the nazgul and the fell beast. “Thank you Dairy Fairy!” yelled Merry running to the tower. “Merry!” “Pippin!” “You’re alive.” “Well, of course I am. I thought you would be the one that died.” “Me? Buddy you really got a short memory.” “No I don’t!” “Whatever.” “I’m so glad you’re both alive,” said Gandalf. Then Pippin asked, “What’s that noise?” There was a soldier running around screaming that they won.
“Well, now we must go to the Black Gate.
“There, now my nails are as pretty as a bunny getting hit by nitro glycerin in a field of flowers,” said Frodo. “Good, now can we go?” asked Sam. “Sure.” They ran up to Mount Doom. When they got there they saw a shadowed figure in the Crack of Doom. “Master, welcome back. We’ve missssssed you,” said… Gollum. “Sam told me all about you. It ends tonight.” When Frodo went up to kick Gollum, an obnoxious random item hit him, and he was unconscious. “Not like this, not like this,” said Sam charging for Gollum. Then an item from the Enigma Corporation hit Sam. Gollum broke out in laughter over his victory, but he too was hit by an Acme jellybean filled rubber chicken. And he was unconscious. “Looks like it’s up to me,” said Sam’s elvish ferret. He jumped through the ring, became invisible, and jumped into the volcano. Then the mountain began to quake. Sam and Frodo woke up. “Hurry, Mr. Frodo!” “What about Gollum?” “That’s a stupid question. Now, come on.” Then Gollum woke up. His last words were, “No, PRECIOUSSSSSS!!!!!”We are here men to destroy evil forever!” said Aragorn marching around his troops looking at the Black Gate. “We know already!” yelled all the soldiers. “Well, uh… okay.” Aragorn looked up on top of the gate, and there was a little figure. Then it laughed at them. “Fools! You don’t know what you’re up against! I am the Mouth of Sauron!” said the figure running around screaming. “I’m not scared, I’m not scared… oh, yes, I am! Have mercy!” yelled Gimli almost crying. “Never!” said the mouth of Sauron. “You shall not pass!” “That’s my line!” yelled Gandalf pulling out his sword. Then the figure looked frustrated. “Where are they?” “Where are what?” asked Legolas. “My army, the people that are supposed to kill you!” Little did he know that they were at the Mordor Convention. “Surrender!” yelled Aragorn. “Never. Come Nazgul, come now!” yelled the figure doing an interoperate dance. “Oh, they can’t come. They’re getting their pedicure,” answered a soldier. “All right, I’ll surrender,” said the figure jumping off the Black Gate, and killing himself. “What do we do now?” asked one of the soldiers. “I don’t know,” said Gandalf. “Let’s just go home, I guess,” said Legolas walking away. Then Gimli, Aragorn, and Gandalf went to Rivendell. They saw a sad kid. “Hey, kid what’s wrong?” asked Gandalf. “Something happened to my finger,” said Frodo putting his hand in the air. “It’s Frodo!” yelled Gimli. “Hey, Gandalf, long time no see.” “Yah, I’ve been dead.” “Man that stinks.” “So, where is Sam?” “He’s over there. Hi, Sam,” said Frodo waving at Sam, and Sam waving back. “Look, Gandalf, it’s Legolas,” said Aragorn pointing at Legolas. He was nibbling on something. “Whatcha got there, Leggy?” asked Gandalf. “A chicken finger.” “Hey, that’s my finger!” said Frodo jumping up. Legolas looked at Frodo then the finger he was chewing on. “Tastes like chicken.” “Forget you! Where’s Pippin and Merry?” asked Frodo shoving Legolas over. “Over there,” answered Gimli pointing his toe in the direction they were in. After Sam was done counting his blessings he joined the others. Then they said goodbye, and they left. When the hobbits got back to the Shire, it was quite different. “Who are you?” asked Pippin dancing around the shadowy figure. “I am Saruman!” said the figure. “Huh, right,” said Merry joining Pippin. “If you were Saruman you’d already be in this story long ago,” said Sam joining. “Hey, I arrived late, ok?” “Whatever,” said Frodo joining the others. Saruman couldn’t help himself. The laughter, the dancing, and the bright background. It was all too much for him. He ran away crying for his mommy. “It kind of makes you feel sorry for the guy,” said Pippin. “Why?” asked Sam. “When he’s half-way around the world he’ll notice he doesn’t have a mom.” “Oh, poor guy,” said Frodo watching him trip over every root, every stone, and puff of smoke. “Well, I think I’ll go stay with the elves with Gandalf and Bilbo, and live forever,” said Frodo walking away. “Bye!” said everyone waving goodbye. “Wait, why don’t we join him?” asked Merry. “Yah, Gandalf is always using big words,” said Pippin. “Yes, and Bilbo always brags about himself,” said Sam. “What are we waiting for?” said Merry looking so happy. “Permission,” said Sam. “I’m not!” yelled Pippin running after Frodo. “Hey, Pippin wait up! Come on Sam!” said Merry pulling Sam along. Frodo turned around to get one last look at Hobbiton. Then he saw his friends. “Oh, no!” said Frodo running as fast as he could. “They figured out that I stole their money. Come on guys it was only twenty dollars.” The other hobbits stopped in confusion, and then kept on running after Frodo. “Just like old times,” said Pippin jumping in the air