Middle-Earth Mayhem

Disclaimer: We don’t own LotR, anything that Tolkien obviously owns, or any of the characters. Ideas, however, are mine (with a compiled effort from ParisIlren). No touchy!

Chapter One

In Gondor, mere weeks before the wedding of King Elessar and Arwen Evenstar…

‘They’re on the way? Everyone?’ Aragorn asked Legolas nervously.

‘Yes, they sent word. They’re all coming, but not Bilbo, so I’m sure that Frodo will be disappointed at that,’ the elf recalled.

‘I still don’t get what all this fuss is about!’ Gimli muttered in frustration as he sidestepped with more than a little difficulty several elves and humans dashing every which way up and down the halls.

‘Be patient for just a matter of weeks, my friend, you’ll see.’ Aragorn smiled as he reassured the dwarf, who growled gruffly in response.

‘Why don’t we get everyone else and get away for awhile?’ Aragorn glanced at Legolas in surprise at the suggestion. Stress must indeed be high for an elf to request leave! But he readily agreed, after all, he needed a break, too; may as well have the whole Fellowship together to do it.

Soon, they had spread the word and all eight of them were strolling, running or bouncing through a small wood just outside the seventh wall of Minas Tirith. They stopped for a midday meal (late, by the hobbits’ standards) in a pleasant clearing. It was shortly after they finished when a new, rather insane, adventure hit them. Literally.

In the land of Narnia…

‘Oh, come on, Ed!’ the High King Peter shouted to his younger brother, King Edmund, as they and their two sisters, Queen Susan and Queen Lucy, rode at breakneck speed through the woods of Northern Narnia, near the Lantern Waste and Mr. Tumnus’ home.

‘Hey, wait up!’ Edmund shouted back at him. He leaned over to his horse’s ear. ‘Come on, Phillip; let’s show them the meaning of speed!’

‘Oh, yes!’ the talking horse said as he kicked it into full gear, blasting from behind the others and leaving them far behind. Lucy laughed at the befuddlement her elders found themselves in and urged her own horse on as well. At last, sharing an almost parental-like glance, Peter and Susan followed. Unfortunately, they were none of them prepared for the events that were to befall them now.

Somewhere on the Atlantic Ocean…

The sleek Black Pearl sped through the somewhat choppy waters, outrunning by far the ghostly ship of Davy Jones that pursued her.

‘Any change, Gibbs?’ Will Turner shouted up to the pirate, who was at the helm.

‘No, sir, still pursuing us, and we’re still outrunning,’ Gibbs replied confidently. Will glanced over to Elizabeth, who was doing something absentmindedly with a length of rope, taking long breaks to stare off at the sea occasionally. He had no time to wonder, though, for that moment was when the flash came.

Lost…

‘Eragon, we’re lost!’ Arya moaned for what seemed to Eragon to be the umpteenth time that hour. He flipped the map around one more time, trying to make out the bizarre symbols and markings that littered the forest landscape on the dratted piece of paper. They weren’t even in a forest! They were stranded in a desert!

‘Don’t you think I know that?’ Sighing, he crumpled the map into a ball and shoved it into his pack. ‘Let’s go this way.’ He pointed to his left. Arya sighed in exasperation, but she followed.

In Hyperspace, on Tatooine, on the Death Star, or whatever…

In about fourteen different time zones, with seven million different people doing seven million different things, the Galaxy, known best to you and me as the Galaxy in which Star Wars is set, was in turmoil, as usual. Lots of stuff was happening, and teamwork was at an all-time low– until, of course, the Disappearances.

Middle-earth, where we should be staying until the end of the story, would you like to make a reservation sir/madam? This is a recording…

Frodo and Sam were just finishing cleaning up after luncheon when it happened. The others were kind of absentmindedly wandering around, simply enjoying the silence, except for Pippin, who had found, by accident, (he claimed) himself covered in mud in a– you guessed it– mud puddle, and by now he had dragged Merry in as well. Something flashed, and they started dropping one at a time.

‘Ow!’ King Edmund shouted as he made impact with the muddy ground, his green and blue Narnian-styled clothing now drenched through in said slime. Merry and Pippin, knights of the City and the Mark as they were, were immediately on their feet, drawing their swords at this new arrival. However, no one else had any time to wonder at Edmund, because next a slim, young female dropped from the trees above them. She fell dangerously near the fire, but managed somehow to twist in midair to land on two feet and one hand just a hair away from it. She had straightened and was about to ask where the heck she was when the next new person came. High King Peter landed flat on Aragorn, his sword scabbard nearly running the latter through. Aragorn instantly jumped to his feet, drawing his sword at the same instant Peter did.

It was then that Anakin (of our Episode Three) decided to join the fun. He landed flat on his back, right next to Gimli, who he had missed squishing by a hair. He jumped to his feet and took in his surroundings quickly, finding no worse threat than a few short people and some rather powerful-looking tall ones, and he was followed soon by Yoda, (I’m guessing also of Episode Three) who fell right next to him on his face. By the time he had picked himself up and peaceably brushed the dust off his tunic, several more characters had arrived. Susan, Leia, Lucy, Padme, and Obi-wan somehow managed to all land in a pile. They were starting to come faster.

Luke, Chewbacca, Lando, and Han came next, also landing in the pile, soon followed by Murtagh. Brom landed straight on top of Gimli, making him spitfire mad; Elizabeth fell near where Arya had, nearly squishing the century-old elf. Eragon himself dropped through the above leaves and landed right on top of Gandalf, knocking the fragile, old wizard to the ground. No one had enough time to move an inch when Jack Sparrow fell dizzily from a huge, thick branch near the top of one tree to the trunk of another and finally dropped on his face on top of Sam’s backpack.

Now nothing else happened for several minutes, so all were able to pick themselves up and ponder the meaning of this.

‘What is the meaning of this?’ several unidentifiable voices shouted in unison. (Jack Sparrow asked if anyone had any rum [as if he hadn’t had enough to last several pirates their lives already.]) Obviously, no one had any answers, but the ‘High Kings’ were getting– well, they were mad at each other.

‘I am Peter, High King of Narnia, Emperor of the Lone Islands, and Lord of Cair Paravel, et cetera, and on that basis, I demand that you put down your sword!’

‘And I am Aragorn Elessar, the Elfstone, King of the realms of Gondor and Arnor in the North, in whose domain you now find yourself, therefore you shall be the first to set down your weapon!’ Neither one moved.

Over in the mud, Edmund was having similar problems with half-sized knights. Merry hadn’t brought his dagger, but Pippin was well-armed.

‘Now, stranger, tell us your name and your business ere I set this Troll’s Bane to your gut!’ Pippin said with his teeth clenched in his ‘ruffian voice’ as Edmund lifted his hands slowly in surrender.

‘I am King Edmund of Narnia, why do you threaten me?’

‘Nar-na? Merry, do you know what he’s talking about?’ Pippin lowered his sword a bit and turned to Merry, who shrugged, just as confused as he was.

‘No! Stop it, all of you! No one has done anything to anybody else, so put away all weapons!’ Susan, the Gentle, wisely suggested. ‘Please,’ she added as an afterthought. Pippin sheathed his still-clean sword and extended his hand to help Edmund get up. However, due to Pippin’s lack of height, this probably would have been easier if he hadn’t ‘helped’. Peter and Aragorn looked suspiciously at each other and slowly sheathed their swords together. ‘All right,’ Susan continued, taking charge of the situation, ‘does anyone know where we are or how we got here?’ Silence dominated the response for a long time.

‘You strangers started falling out of the sky about two minutes ago, but I don’t know how that helps,’ Frodo said at last. ‘You are in Middle-Earth, though, that much I know.’

Everyone else started going just slightly crazy at Frodo’s announcement, having no idea where Middle-Earth was or which way they should go to get home, and they gathered into their respective groups of who’s from which dimension. It was now that the futuristic Star Wars people found that their weapons had been, well, ‘altered’.

‘What the heck happened to my blaster?!?’ Han whispered as loud as he dared as the others of his universe and time zone huddled around him. Leia now found that her blaster had disappeared as well. Luke’s hand drifted to his lightsaber, which he now found to be a two-handed sword. It weighed at lot more than it looked like it did, so he struggled with it for a while to get it out of its sheath to examine it and then to get it back into the sheath.

Meanwhile, Anakin and Obi-Wan were having similar troubles with their new weaponry.

‘Maybe you’re supposed to hold it the other way?’ Anakin suggested to his former master.

‘Anakin, I’m sure that if you were supposed to hold it with the other end, the other end wouldn’t be so sharp!’ Obi-Wan retorted as he struggled to keep the broadsword from falling from his grasp. Anakin suppressed a laugh; he had never seen Obi-Wan struggling with anything (except the complicated politics of the Republic), but especially not weaponry. He grasped his own sword rather clumsily at first, and it took him a little time to get the hang of it, but he was soon showing off by doing several lightsaber-style tricks with it. Padme’s blaster was gone, and she assumed she dropped it in the fall, but no one could find it when they scanned the ground around them. Yoda was now armed with only his staff and a dagger, small even by halfling standards.

‘Think, we must. How we are to return, and where home now is, I know not.’ Yoda, the one who usually had all the answers, admitted, having never, in all his nine hundred years of living, heard of Middle-Earth.

‘I’m sure this is all your fault!’ ‘How could it be my fault? I’ve never even been here before!’ ‘You go straight from one lost to another!’ ‘Shut up!’ ‘You shut up!’

Arya seemed completely calm and collected while Eragon and Murtagh flipped out. After they had finished arguing and ranting, she suggested that they get familiar with the natives and the lay of the land, and Brom, though somewhat disturbed by the way in which she took charge of the situation, agreed with her. Therefore, they returned to the larger group and the boys began questioning the poor Narnia kids, after several minutes deciding that the latter had no idea of what they were talking about or where they all were. Arya, however, had gone straight to Aragorn, who was still quite tense (please remember, he’s dealing with mountains of stress up in the city and he’s about to get married and he came down here to get away from all of it), had no desire to answer a stupid pretty-girl’s confusing questions to which he had no answers anyway.

And now, at last, we come to the interesting part!

The last member of our insane party will arrive in about three, two, one–

Crash, Faillapichuu, bonk, gong, chuing! Will finally flopped out of the sky to land right on top of the least likely person imaginable.

‘What in the world is going on here?’ two voices said in unison, one calm, yet firm; the other shouting as loud as was creaturely possible! Both person landing and person landed on turned to face the other, freezing immediately.