~~~~~~~~ Where was Thranduil and what was he doing?~~~~~~~~

(Thranduil is standing at the entrance blowing up balloons that read ‘Welcome to Mirkwood Mall.’ Merry and Pippin come by.)

Merry: Boo!

Thranduil: (swallows the balloon)

Pippin: Are you all right?

Thranduil: (Choke. Choke.)

Merry: HeÂ’s choking.

Pippin: Thank you for stating the painfully obvious.

Merry: What did he swallow?

Thranduil: (exhales, causing the balloon to inflate.)

Merry: ThereÂ’s something coming out of his mouth

Pippin: It looks like a mushroom.

Merry: ItÂ’s green.

Pippin: Maybe itÂ’s rotten and thatÂ’s why heÂ’s choking.

Merry: Do Elves even like mushrooms?

Thranduil: (inhales. The balloon is sucked back down his throat.)

Pippin: Where did it go?

Merry: Wait! There it is again.

Thranduil: (Is going purple)

Merry: ItÂ’s a balloon.

Pippin: WhyÂ’s he eating a balloon?

Merry: Maybe he was hungry.

Thranduil: (exhales painfully.)

Pippin: WeÂ’ll save you, your majesty! (Brandishes pin)

Thranduil: (shakes his head frantically and tries to scrabble away.)

Pippin: (pops balloon.)

(BANG)

Thranduil: (collapses in a heap)

Merry: We saved the day, Pip.

Pippin: Good for us.

Thranduil: If I get my hands on you (gasp) you will a die a painful death

Pippin: Ha ha. . .LetÂ’s go.

Merry: (is already running)

Legolas: Oh no! What happened to you?

Thranduil: I swallowed a balloon.

Legolas: Really? What did it taste like?

Thranduil: You could be a bit more sympathetic. IÂ’m dying.

Legolas: Balloons are poisonous? YouÂ’re dying! Oh no! Help! Save him someone!

Thranduil: YouÂ’re the security guard.

Legolas: Wait just a moment.

(Legolas sprints to where Elrond is vending his wares.)

Legolas: Can I buy some ELVENKING REVIVER?

Elrond: Sure.

Legolas: Why is the name all in capital letters?

Elrond: For dramatic affect.

Legolas: Oh cool. How much is it?

Elrond: A lot of money. (He whispers a price to Legolas. LegolasÂ’ eyes get really big.)

Legolas: I canÂ’t afford that! My allowance is too small.

Elrond: Pity. Guess your father will have to keep on suffering.

Legolas: Hey look! Someone wrote ‘you’re ugly’ on the ceiling!

Elrond: Where? (Looks up.)

Legolas: (swipes the ELVENKING REVIVER off the counter)

Elrond: Help! IÂ’ve been robbed! Security!

Legolas: Hello. How can I help you?

Elrond: You just stole my ELVENKING REVIVER.

Legolas: And?

Elrond: I need you to bring yourself to justice.

Legolas: I canÂ’t. IÂ’m in a hurry.

Elrond: IÂ’ll tell your father. . .

Legolas: IÂ’ll have to save him first.

Elrond: In that case, help yourself.

Legolas: Why, thank you. (Leaves.)

(Legolas races back to where Thranduil is.)

Legolas: (squirts ELVENKING REVIVER on his father.)

Thranduil: IÂ’m saved!

Legolas: Ok. IÂ’ve got to go now. Lord Elrond has something to tell you.

Thranduil: Ok. Sounds fun.

Legolas: IÂ’m sure it will be. Bye!

Elrond: Your son robbed my store to save your life.

Thranduil: How noble.

Elrond: Uh. . .couldnÂ’t you bring him to justice?

Thranduil: No. He saved my life.

Elrond: ThatÂ’s not fair!

Thranduil: How much did the ELVENKING REVIVER cost?

Elrond: A lot. ItÂ’s very rare.

Thranduil: Is that because of lack of Elvenkings?

Elrond: Exactly.

Thranduil: Well, obviously, if IÂ’m dead, you wonÂ’t be able to sell anymore ELVENKING REVIVER because thereÂ’ll be no more Elvenkings. So really, my son just helped save your business.

Elrond: Oh. Ok. (Goes away.) I really shouldnÂ’t have let Erestor give Thranduil logic lessons.

~~~~~~~~ Where was Celeborn?~~~~~~~~

Celeborn: Hello, everyone.

Everyone: Hello Celeborn.

Celeborn: I have gathered you select few together today to start a club!

Select Few: Cool.

Celeborn: We will call it ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentle Elves’.

Elrond: That sounds more than vaguely familiar.

Celeborn: WeÂ’re copying.

Erestor: (whispers) Plagiarism.

Elrond: Oh.

Celeborn: Any other problems?

Erestor: (pointing) GlorfindelÂ’s not gentle! He punches people!

Celeborn: Ok. We’ll change the name to, ‘The League of Extraordinary Violent Elves’.

Erestor: IÂ’m not violent.

Celeborn: The League of Extraordinary Elves then! Is that all right?

Gollum: IÂ’m not an Elf.

Celeborn: Aaaaaah! Kill it!

(All the violent Elves chase Gollum out of the store. All the gentle Elves cheer them on.)

Gil-Galad: So what are we going to do now?

Glorfindel: Eek! YouÂ’re supposed to be dead!

Gil-Galad: So are you.

Glorfindel: Oh yeah.

Celeborn: WeÂ’re going to do extraordinary things!

Thranduil: Like what?

Cìrdan: Build ships! Build ships!

Thranduil: Never!

Elrond: We could knit!

Thranduil: (Faints)

Glorfindel: Guess he didnÂ’t like that idea.

Elrond: Guess not. (Cries)

Celeborn: Order!

Legolas: I think IÂ’m extraordinary. Can I join?

Celeborn: I was sort of thinking older Elves for this.

Legolas: This is mean!

Celeborn: ThatÂ’s good! The League of Extraordinary Mean Elves.

Erestor: IÂ’m not mean. IÂ’m just very proper. ThatÂ’s why no one likes me.

Celeborn: IÂ’ve got a good idea. What about Likeable Elves?

Everyone: WeÂ’re not likeable!

Celeborn: IÂ’ll make you likeable!

Everyone: Oh no. . .

Celeborn: I have a book about it. (Brandishes book: How to Become Likeable in Two Seconds)

Celeborn: Now listen carefully. (Flips through book randomly.) Rule 934: Always brush your teeth. Rule 935: Always smile. Rule 936: DonÂ’t attack people with your toothbrush. Rule 937: Never put toothpaste in someoneÂ’s hair.

Glorfindel: Why not?

Celeborn: Rule 938: Never interrupt.

Elrond: I bet it doesnÂ’t say that!

Celeborn: Rule 939: DonÂ’t contradict.

Gil-Galad: This is wrong!

Celeborn: Well, how would you know! YouÂ’re just ugly and mean.

Gil-Galad: (snatches book) Rule 940: DonÂ’t speak ill of the dead.

Elrond: Let me guess. Rule 941: DonÂ’t snatch.

Gil-Galad: (mystified) Yes. . .

Glorfindel: Book-burning!

Erestor: (reads) Rule 942: DonÂ’t burn this book.

Everyone: TOO LATE!! (They chuck the book into the flames.)

Celeborn: I know! LetÂ’s have a book-burning club!

Everyone: YEAH!

~~~~~~~~ Where was Gollum getting his fish from?~~~~~~~~

Gollum: Hee hee, precious.

(He is standing outside a large store with a fishing net. The sign above the store reads, ‘Tom Bombadilo’s Aquarium: Acquire Your Aquatic Acquaintances Here!’)

(Suddenly, someone bursts out of the shop.)

Tom: HO TOM BOMBADIL! TOM BOMBADILO!

Gollum: Ahhhh! It hurts us! It hurts our earses, precious.

Tom: YO GOLLUM FROGGY THING! FROGGY THINGYOLO!

Gollum: This is ludicrous.

Tom: What?

Gollum: Nothing.

Tom: I didnÂ’t know you could speak English.

Gollum: Technically, none of us are supposed to be speaking English. And what in the world does ‘yo’ mean?

Tom: Huh, dude? You don’t know what ‘yo’ means?

Gollum: No. Do you?

Tom: Nope.

Gollum: Well, good-bye. (Slinks into store)

Tom: HO TOM BOMBADIL! HO TOMBIDILILLYDIDILYIDILDILO!!

Sam: Mr. Bombadil? Are you OK?

Tom: IÂ’m yodeling!

Sam: Oh. Fascinating. Have fun.

Frodo: Was that Tom?

Sam: Yes, Mr. Frodo. HeÂ’s yodeling.

Frodo: Go tell him he sounds like a sick yak.

Sam: Mr. Bombadil, Mr. Frodo says you sounds like a yak with mad cow disease.

Tom: Oh. (Whimper. Sniffle.)

Sam: Do you see that store over there?

(Tom looks at the store called, ‘The Rollicking Ranger and Co.’ Underneath, a sign says, ‘Singers wanted urgently.’)

Tom: Oh cool!

Sam: Bye!

Gollum: (Inside store) The power is mine! All mine! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah(breathe)hahahahahahahahahahahahaha– (Gurgle)

Fish: (gurgle)

Goldberry: Can I help you?

Gollum: Yes, precious. I would like some fish to go.

Goldberry: How sweet! (She scoops a fish into a plastic bag filled with water.)

Fish: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Gollum: Yum.

Goldberry: Beg pardon?

Gollum: Yum. ThatÂ’s what IÂ’m going to call him.

Goldberry: Yum? ThatÂ’s not a name. This little fellow is called Nemo.

Gollum: Nemo? ThatÂ’s a nice name.

Nemo: HELP!!! IÂ’M GOING TO GET EATEN!!!!

Goldberry: Pay up.

Gollum: Yes certainly, precious. . .Oh no! I canÂ’t find my money!

Goldberry: There canÂ’t have been too many places to put it.

Gollum: I canÂ’t help it! IÂ’m thrifty. IÂ’m saving money on cloth.

Goldberry: You canÂ’t have it if you canÂ’t pay.

Nemo: Hooray!

Gollum: Rats.

Someone: (drops a coin.)

Gollum: (pounces on the money) My source of power!

Goldberry: You just stole that! I canÂ’t take stolen money!

Gollum: It was a birthday present, precious. *gollum*

Smeagol: No it wasnÂ’t.

Gollum: Yes it was!

Smeagol: You took it! YouÂ’re a thief and a liar!

Gollum: WasnÂ’t I meant to say that?

Smeagol: I became evil lately.

Gollum: Not listening!

Nemo: Help!

Goldberry: Huh? Gollum, are you all right?

Gollum: No.

Smeagol: Yes.

Gollum: Go away!

Smeagol: Sorry, Mrs. Bombadil. He used to be schizophrenic but weÂ’re fine now.

Gollum: IÂ’m taking this fish and leaving! Good-bye.

Goldberry: But. . .

Gollum: (scoops fish up in his net) Buh-bye!

Goldberry: But. . .

Gollum: Ta ta for now.

Goldberry: But. . .

Gollum: Toodles.

Goldberry: Security!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: Hello, maÂ’am. How may I help you?

Goldberry: My fish got stolen!

Legolas: IÂ’ll get it back. (Whips out notepad) WhatÂ’s the hostageÂ’s name?

Goldberry: Nemo.

Legolas: (Writes in notebook: MISSION: Find Nemo.) Thanks for the info. IÂ’ll try my hardest to return him to you.

(Legolas sprints across the mall. Suddenly he sees Gollum about to drop a fish into a bowl of boiling gasoline.)

Legolas: DONÂ’T DO IT!!!

Gollum: Huh, precious?

Legolas: Did you just call me ‘precious’?

Gollum: Well, not really. ItÂ’s more of a reflex than anything serious.

Legolas: ThatÂ’s a great relief.

Gollum: I thought it would be.

Legolas: Unhand the fish, Gollum.

Gollum: What will you give me?

Legolas: A cookie I got from Haldir.

Gollum: I like cookies.

Legolas: Ok. Good-bye everyone!

TBC