Mrs. Sauron

Ever wonder what it was that made Sauron so persistant? Who it was that kept things going after the Dark Lord had turned into a pile of ash? How exactly he came back and how the hell he was going to come back to his full form with the one ring while the ring needs a finger to be worn on and at the time, Sauron was an eye??? So did I. Meet Mrs. Sauron.

–somewhere in the first age, the tower of Barad-Dur–

“SAURON!”
The orcs cringe and hide behind the cave trolls as they in turn wet their pants (or rags, more like) as an ungodly voice echoes though the dark tower. The sound, more horrible than a thousand wargs howling to the moon, louder than an army of drunk orcs, more piercing than the Nazgul’s screech and several times more frightening than the Dark Lord himself leaves everyone and everything that hears it stunned and shaken. A trembling dark figure, wearing only a black helmet, a golden ring and ‘evil inside’ boxers shoots past, towards the source of the terror.
“Yes honey, what is it, my dark queen?”
“YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT IT IS! Those haughty Elves have insulted me! And there is no human in all of Middle Earth who takes you serious anymore! Sauron, I am only going to say this once, go to war and show them who is the supreme evil around here!”
“But pumpkin, they have more force, if I attack them now, I would-”
“I said ATTACK! NOW!”
The Lord of Mordor and ruler of Darkness whimpers as his wife towers over him, emphasizing her statement by waving the fierce looking orcish battle-pan in her hand. He could do nothing but surrender to this greater evil and Sauron bends down to kiss his wife’s toes and whispers ‘everything for you, darkness in my light’. Mrs. Sauron seems to be satisfied by the reaction and pats him on the head with the words:
“Go call your orcs now, darling. But dress first.”
And thus, war broke out, almost consuming Middle Earth, but finally, destroying the dark Lord himself. Unfortunately, the Dark Lady was not gone, and leading some orcs who had always been loyal to her, retreated to a shadowy forest fortress, biding her time until she could ge back to Mordor and ‘settle things’.

–thousands of years later, the tower of Barad-Dur–

“Come on, darling, it isn’t that bad. At least you can see everything that’s going on, and this won’t last long, we’ll get that ring of yours back soon enough.”
Sauron weeps flaming tears over his tower and keeps asking if his wife couldn’t have thought up a better form than a flaming eye.
“Now, now, don’t worry. It’ll be over soon.”
“But it huh-huh-hurts!”
“Now don’t be a wuss, Sauron. Act like a grown up Dark Lord for once. Oh, look, your pets have caught a pale, slimy insect. I believe he knew something about your lucky jewelry.”
“The one ring, which holds my soul, woman!”
“Whatever.”
She turns to Gollum, for it is he, the pale, slimy insect, and takes a good look at him. The poor creature opens his eyes wider than believed possible, creating the impression they’re falling out of his head, and he manages to pale even more, looking like a smudged tablecloth with bulging eyes.
“Ew,” the Dark Lady smartly classifies the creature.”Well, what’s your name, then?” and when Gollum fails to answer, “Do you have a name…?”
“Gollum…” Gollum coughs, terrified. “Gollum…!”
“Fine. Gollum. It has come to my attention that you have information about my dear husband’s ring.” She gestures at the eye, who is watching curiously. “Perhaps you remember, round, gold, shiny, whispering thoughts of world domination…”
Gollum shrinks back, then throws himself at the Dark Lady’s feet. “No!” he wails, “Noooooo.. ooo…!”
“Ew.” Is the only response he gets, and then a shove as the Dark Lady wipes the slime of her black-armoured feet.
“Very well.” She sighs, “I will just have to make you talk. Guards!”
Gollum is dragged to the deepest dungeons, chained to a table and soon his screams echo through the dark tower:
“Nooo! Not the icecream! It gives me headacheses! Aaarghh…! Yes, I tell nice lady! Aaah! Shire! Baggins! No more icecream!”
And thus the Dark Lord (and Lady) discovered the whereabouts of the One Ring. They sent out the Nine Nazgul, or as the Dark Lady liked to call them “The only undead in Middle Earth.” But the Dark forces were defeated and Barad Dur crumbled away underneath Sauron (I told you not to built your tower on unstable ground!) and Sauron himself was finally gone. The Dark Lady, however, was still there, and still is, brooding, plotting evil schemes, gathering evil beings around her and trying to complete her ‘Forces of Evil’ thimble collection. Beware, Middle Earth, for when she finally lays her hands on the limited edition of the ninth Nazgul thimble, she will strike! Fear and quake when that day comes!

(Fortunately, there were only two of those ever made, one went down with Barad Dur, and one went to Valinor with Gandalf.)