Disclaimer
The following parody is copyright of the writers, although we do not own any of the characters, places, etc. These, obviously, were all created by the great J R R Tolkien.

Note To Readers
This story is currently incomplete but I’ll add more as soon as I have it. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions you have.

Scene 1: A View of the Past
Written By Rebecca & Abi

A screenshot of a darkened Middle Earth shows and Galadriel’s voice begins to narrate over the top.
Galadriel: “I amar prestar aen. Han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne char, a han noston ned gwilith…”
Galadriel is interrupted by Pippin’s voice.
Pippin: “OK, so here’s how the story goes in English. Sauron made a load of rings. He gave 3 to some elves, 7 to some dwarves, 9 to some men, and kept one for himself… selfish git. Anyway…”
Galadriel: “Ahem. If I may, I think I will carry on. Within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race.”
Pippin: “Sauron’s ring was the best. It could control all of the other rings.”
Galadriel: “Ahem! Into this Ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One Ring to rule them all. One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the slopes of Mount Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth. Victory was near. But the power of the Ring could not be undone. It was in this moment when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father’s sword…”
Pippin: “And chopped off Sauron’s hand! How cool!”
Sauron: “Excuse me. I’d like to point out that you are not telling this story correctly. What happened was I poured some of my greatness into this Ring. Then Isildur and his pathetic little ‘warriors’ came and attacked me but they were weak and my army was strong. We opened a can of whoop-ass on their butts and they all died. Including your ‘oh-so-great’ Isildur. Then I decided to take a rest for a while but I was not, in ANY WAY, defeated and I did not lose my Ring. I had it all along, of course.”
Galadriel: “Really? Then where is it now?”
Sauron: “Well…erm…I had it…but…erm…”
Galadriel: “Just as I thought. Do you have anything else to say or may I continue now?”
Sauron: “Oh…yes…please do carry on. I’ll just…be leaving.”
Galadriel: “Thank you. Now, back to the real story. Sauron, the enemy of the free-peoples of Middle-Earth was defeated. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.”
Pippin: “But he didn’t, being the stupid idiot that he is!”
Galadriel: “Pippin! I’m warning you! But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the Ring of Power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death… And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. The Ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him. The Ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum’s cave, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forest of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of Power perceived. Its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum. But something happened then the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.”
Pippin: “Bilbo found it! Go Bilbo! Go Bilbo!”
Galadriel: “PEREGRIN!”
Pippin: “Ooooh! She’s getting really angry now! Chill Galadriel, chill!”
Galadriel sighs loudly before continuing.
Galadriel: “For the time will soon come when Hobbits will shape the fortunes of all.”
Pippin: “Yeah cause, you know, hobbits do rock.”
Galadriel: “That’s it! I QUIT!”