*Disclaimer* I do not own: The Prancing Pony, Barliman Butterbur, Middle Earth, Nob, Bob, Hobbits, Southfarthing, The Golden Perch, Celebrimbor, Mirkwood, Hornblowers, ‘woolly-footed slowcoach’, Meriadoc, Merry, Peregrin, Pippin, The Shire, Tom Bombadil and his songs, Goldberry, Eru, Aragorn, Arwen, Elessar, “Love Will Lift us Up Where We Belong”, Elladan, Elrohir, Gimli son of Gloin, mithril, Khazad-Dum, Balrog, “Carwash” Valinor, Frodo, “Come Sail Away”, Galadriel, Gandalf, Elrond, Cirdan, Boromir, Denethor, Theoden, “Don’t Fear the Reaper”, Eomer, Legolas, Silmarillion, Silmarillion: The Musical, Ghan-Buri-Ghan, Frank Sinatra, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, Iron Hills, Bree, Archet, Gondor, Mirkwood, Laketown, Rohan, Eastfarthing, Greenhand, Overhill, Stock, Rivendell, Old Toby, Longbottom Leaf, Southern Star, and anything else that I might’ve forgotten that I don’t own. So don’t sue me. I do, however, own (with Jolene Seames) “Oh Hobbits we Love Drinkin'” and “Gimli’s Rap” (but not the tune) and the story in general. So don’t steal it without permission.

Open Mic Night at the Prancing Pony

Not one room remained vacant in the Prancing Pony. Every place in the stable was occupied with every size and breed of horse to be found in Middle Earth. Nob and Bob had never seen the place so busy and were doing all they could to keep up. The Common Room was packed with Elves, Dwarves, Men, and Hobbits; all drinking, smoking, and making merry. A makeshift stage had been set up at one end of the room and a hush fell over the crowd as the proprietor of the establishment climbed up onstage and waved his arms around to get everyone’s attention.

“Welcome, one and all, to the first annual Open Mic Night at the Prancing Pony! I’m Barliman Butterbur, and I’ll be your Emcee for tonight. Tonight’s festivities are brought to you by The Golden Perch, Celebrimbor Jewelers, Mirkwood Extermination Services and Spider Control, and Hornblower’s of Longbottom. Hornblower’s: The Finest Weed in the Southfarthing.” The last sponsor, of course, brought a cheer of appreciation from the crowd. “Alright. Now that we’ve got all that out of the way, let the festivities begin! Our first performer tonight is…is…oh I’ve already forgotten. Hi! Nob! Where are you, you woolly-footed slowcoach? Nob! Ah, there you are. Where’s the list of performers?”

Nob pulled a list out of his pocket.

“That would be Master Meriadoc and Master Peregrin, sir.”

“Ah, yes. Thank you, Nob. Ladies and gentlemen, Elves, Dwarves, and Hobbits, please welcome to the stage, Merry and Pippin, doing what they do best! Tonight you are all in for a treat, as we hear for the first time, their new hit single, ‘Oh Hobbits We Love Drinkin”! Folks, this one’ll be heard in all the inns for years to come.”

The crowd, mostly drunk itself, roared for their favorite drinking duo from the Shire. Merry and Pippin made their way up onstage.

“Thank You! As Barliman said, this one is brand new!” said Merry.

“Yes indeed, and you’re all gonna love it! But of course, to sing a good drinking song, we’re gonna need some ale. We finished our last mugs before we came up!” To which the crowd replied with shouts to the barmaid to fix the two up with a couple frothy pints. Upon receiving these, they began.

“Oh Hobbits we love drinkin’
We really do, Gee whiz
And we’ve been both a-thinkin
The Pony’s best there is!
The ale is really tasty
It comes in pints or halfs
And you’ll be sour we’re hasty
For drinking songs and laughs!
It’s frothy and it’s yummy
We really love this ale
We’ll put it in our tummy
The Pony’s best!
Beyond the rest!
And now that is our tale. HEY!”*

And with that they drained what remained in their mugs, which really wasn’t all that much, as most of it had sloshed out onto the front row while they danced and sang. The crowd cheered loudly for them as they left the stage, with the possible exception of the soggy group of hobbits nearest the stage, who instead mumbled about the quality and truth in the lyrics, then drained their own mugs and called for more.

Butterbur once again reappeared onstage, this time with the list.

“Thank you, Merry and Pippin! That was quite flattering, indeed. Up next we have everyone’s favorite man of mystery and nonsensical rhymes, Tom Bombadil!”, to which came a few scattered, half-hearted cheers, some clapping, and one very enthusiastic River-daughter. Tom stepped up onstage and began, in his deep, resonating voice.

“Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! hob along! fal lal the willow!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!”**

“Booooo! Get off the stage,” shouted a few particularly inebriated young lads. Tom cleared his throat, looking rather hurt. He began again.

Hey! Come merry dol! derry dol! My darling!
Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling.
Down along under Hill, shining in the–“**

Tom was cut off, because he had to duck to miss a flung piece of bread. The crowd wasn’t looking too pleased with Tom’s singing, and a few more had joined in the booing. Disheartened, he stepped offstage, to the cheering from the pissed boys in the back. Goldberry comforted him as he sat down, but at the same time she thought to herself,

“Thank Eru someone finally got through to him that those damn songs are so annoying!”

But she smiled and told him she still liked them. Butterbur clamored suprisedly back onstage, not expecting this outburst of disapproval by the crowd.

“Well, um, condolences to Master Bombadil, better luck next year. Uh, our next performers need no introduction, please welcome your King and Queen, Aragorn and Arwen!” To which came many cheers, many just because they didn’t want to be on the bad side of the ruling bodies of the land. Elessar and his lady made their way onstage, holding hands and looking rather overdressed in their regal get-ups. The music started and they gazed lovingly into each others eyes, and sang “Love Will Lift us Up Where We Belong”, in such a manner that half the room thought the two should just get a room, and the other half thought they needed a little wine with their cheese. Arwen’s twin brothers, Elladan and Elrohir, who were sitting in the corner, sniggered to each other that they thought she should just stick to sewing banners. She couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. These comments, of course, earning them each a smart rap upside the head from their father, who was sitting behind them. Polite applause and awkward cheers arose from the crowd when the lovers finished their song. No one dared criticize the king’s singing or choice of song out loud, for fear of their heads parting ways with their shoulders.

“Very well done, indeed, my liege!” groveled Butterbur, returning to the stage.

“Now, You’ve already seen Men, Elves, and Hobbits, and now we’re gonna round out the races. Up next we have the esteemed Gimli son of Gloin, performing his…well, it doesn’t say what he’s performing. Ladies and gentlemen, Gimli!”

The dwarf made his way up onstage with four others at his heels. Upon arriving onstage, Gimli took off his helmet, much to the surprise of the majority of the audience, and replaced it with a bandana. Some now noticed that he was wearing a few large chains and necklaces around his neck, and his thick fingers were adorned with extravagant rings.

“Yo. Whaddup my G’s. Before I start I’d like to introduce y’all to my backup singers, these fine ladies here.” he said, gesturing to the four dwarves who had followed him up onstage and were now hanging on his arms. This, of course, brought giggles to those who weren’t familar with the fact that dwarven women did, in fact, have beards. Those who knew Gimli were shocked by this new manner of speaking, and had begun to wonder just what kind of song he was going to sing. In fact, he was not going to sing at all. He rapped.

“Yo, yo. We work in the mines
Searching for gold
For mithril and jewels
And other things of old.
In Khazad-Dum we searched too far
In Khazad-Dum we searched too deep
In Khazad-Dum we woke the think that never ever sleeps. Yo.
(backup singers: to the tune of “Carwash”)
We woke up the Balrog
We woke up the Balrog, yeah.
We woke up the Balrog
We woke up the Balrog, yeah.
(Gimli) Yo. We got no need
For poncy Elves
They can’t compare
With Dwarven selves
Them poncy Elves just watch them nance
Them poncy Elves they skip and hop
Them poncy Elves don’t stand a chance ‘gainst us. Yo.”***

Some thought the Dwarf was just being ridiculous. Others thought he was a little overly-knackered. Still others thought he was off his rocker. The younger crowd, however, thought he’d just started the new craze of the age. A bewildered Butterbur returned to the stage.

“Gimli, everybody! That was… well, it was interesting. Up next is a new, up and coming band, and rumor has it they’re the toast of Valinor! Singing their latest hit, “Come Sail Away”, give it up for Frodo and the Ringbearers!” They had already gotten themselves set up while the Emcee gave the introduction, and everyone cheered excitedly to see Frodo on lead guitar and vocals, Galadriel on bass guitar, Gandalf playing drums, and Elrond playing keyboard. Few noticed Cirdan in the back playing the tambourine.

“I’m Sailing away
Set an open course for the virgin sea
‘Cause I’ve got to be free
Free to face the life that’s ahead of me…..”****

Frodo and the Ringbearers gained their truest fangirls and diehard followers that night. The rest of the night continued on in a similarly exciting fashion, including the Ghosts of Boromir, Denethor, and Theoden singing a haunting rendition of Don’t Fear the Reaper, Eomer reading a moving sonnet he wrote for his horse, Legolas attempting to perform selections from his nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical (he was stopped at the very last minute when Nob realized exactly what it was he intended to do), Ghan-Buri-Ghan singing an unexpectidly beautiful Frank Sinatra medley, and a very disturbing rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody by a small chorus of Dwarves from the Iron Hills, among other not-so-memorable numbers by others. At the end of the evening Butterbur got up onstage one last time and closed the show.

“Well, folks, that’s our show! First, thank you all for coming, both those of you from the Bree-Archet area as well as those of you from the further reaches of the kindom, those from Gondor, Mirkwood, Laketown, Rohan, and every place in between. I hope we have made it worth the trip. A very special thanks to all our, ahem, talented performers. You all were… well, you all made tonight quite memorable. And, thank you once again to our major sponsors, The Golden Perch, for the best beer in the Eastfarthing visit The

Golden Perch, at the corner of Greenhand Road and Overhill Drive, in Stock, Eastfarthing, The Shire; Celebrimbor Jewelers, whether it’s controlling the minds of others or just saying ‘I love You’, make it Celebrimbor Jewelers, located in Rivendell; Mirkwood Extermination Services and Spider Control, From half-inch termites to four-foot arachnids, just call Mirkwood Extermination and Spider Control; and by Hornblower’s of Longbottom, For Old Toby, Longbottom Leaf, Southern Star, or for pipes and pipe accessories, just make it Hornblower’s of Longbottom. Hornblowers: The Finest Weed in the Southfarthing. Thank you, Goodnight, and don’t forget to tip your barmaid. ”

*lyrics by Jolene Seames
**lyrics by J.R.R. Tolkien
***lyrics by Michelle Bjornseth and Jolene Seames
****lyrics by Dennis DeYoung