A/N: Yes, believe it or not, we are finally back for another instalment in this fanfic. We’ve actually taken a couple of requests into this chapter. One is from ‘Puddin Pie’, and the other is a cross between ‘cosmic-dancer-uk’ and ‘Puddin Pie’ (again).
A/N: (JB) By the way, Lord K pwnz this chapter. Be prepared for much Lord K pwnership. Until he gets pwpstaged, that isÂ…

Disclaimer: I own the rights to Aragorn and I am hiring him out to parties at 3 gold coins per hour. Contact me at www.aragorncanbeyours.co.uk .

Chapter 10: Kill Leggie vol. 2

The Fellowship stood in the centre of the great hall of Dol Guldur, surrounded by orcs wielding sharp, pointy objects.
“Why were we brought all the way here and where is Gandalf?” Gaurbrith whispered.
“Don’t you remember?” replied Frodo. “Gandalf left us at the gates, he said he had some important business to do else where, AS USUAL.”
He sat down between two arm rests, made from intricately craved stunge, from the great stunge-fields east of Mirkwood.
“I do like this throne,” the lord of the stronghold commented.
Aragorn shrugged, “Mine’s better.”
“Silence, worm! Your kind will soon learn that I am not to be trifled with when my forces crush this pitiful world.”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion sniffed. “What a cliché! How exactly do you plan on going about this ‘world crushing’?”
“I will build my forces here at Dol Guldur until I have an unstoppable army. First, we will destroy Minas Tirith and take over Gondor, then expand outward, wiping out the Rohirrim and subduing Mirkwood.”
“Greenwood,” corrected Legolas.
“MIRKWOOD!!” roared the Dark One, thumping the stunge in anger.
Boromir looked puzzled. “Wouldn’t it be more logical to do Mirkwood first, it being closer?”
The stunge-throned figure was silent for a moment. “The Dark Lord does not explain himself to mere humans.”
“Does the Dark Lord always refer to himself in third person?” questioned Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.
The armadillo hissed at the offender from his stunge basket. Aragorn squinted. “Is that an armadillo?”
“It is my familiar,” the evil one replied irritably, still trying to think of a witty comeback to the previous comment.
“Funny, looks like an armadillo to me,” began Sam. “It’s a good thing too, I don’t like armadillos; they keep nesting in the tops of trees and scaring the birds away.”
“I think you’re confusing them with hawks,” said Frodo. Sam looked doubtful.
“I demand answers this minute,” demanded Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.
“You haven’t changed a bit, Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion,” sneered the evil lord.
Everyone gasped simultaneously as he pronounced the name with perfect ease.
“He pronounced the name with perfect ease,” exclaimed Legolas. Gaurbrith rolled his eyes.
“You sound so idiotic thou art almost mortal,” Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion shot back.
The Master of Dol Guldur looked uncertain, almost hurt. “Don’t be so abusive: you were always abusive towards me as a child.”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion gave him a scornful look. “I’ve never meet you before. If I had met you though, you seem like the kind of kid I would have beaten up.”
“And that torment has sent me down the paths of darkness which have led me to where we stand today …. brother!”
Everyone gasped again. “BROTHER!?” they all said.
“Yes, brother! We have not met in so long.”
“You’re not joking; I don’t have a brother.” Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion paused, “I have a sister though,” he allowed.
Their captor faltered. “Yes, I am she.”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion looked him up and down skeptically.
“A lot has happened since we last met,” Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion’s ‘sister/brother’ rushed.
“Yeah, my sister went to Valinor centuries ago. I and my family were there to bid her farewell – you farewell, that is,” he added sarcastically.
“It’s a long story.”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion looked round at the forest of orcish weaponry. “We’re not going any where,” he said.
“Silence, fool!” the ruler of Dol Guldur incinerated a nearby orc.
“Why did you do that?” asked Sam.
“You made me angry.”
“Why didn’t you just kill one of us, then?” questioned Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion. “Preferably him,” he pointed at Gaurbrith.
An unpleasant twinkle appeared in the eyes of their dark captor. “I have a more fiendish death in mind for you. It will involve prolonged agony, no reasonable opportunity for escape, and a spatula.”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion snorted, but said nothing.
“Hang on a minute,” said Legolas. “Could it be that Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion and this fiendish one are brothers?”
“No shit, Sherlock,” grated Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.
“I’ve had enough of this, let’s fight,” Gimli growled.
Immediately, the room dissolved into a chaos of flailing limbs and weapons.
The evil master calmly stood and addressed Binndijk, “Could you explain to me why the prisoners where not disarmed on capture?”
The Black-Hearted King of the North shrugged. “I don’t know; I was busy designing the dark web-page.”
“Never mind, I will leave this in your capable claws,” and with a twirl of his cloak and a well deposited smoke capsule, the one whom we have yet to describe the same way twice was gone.
Meanwhile, the fight continued unabated. It all looked terribly fun to anyone who wasnÂ’t Gaurbrith. Blades spun and weaved in a way that can only be achieved with camera trickery. Orcs fell left and right, and indeed down. With a particularly savage thrust, Boromir skewered an orc and looked around proudly to see if anyone had noticed how well he had done. They hadnÂ’t. However, he had managed to get his sword stuck in the stunge throne. He gave a mighty heave, but the stunge held fast.
With a last dying breath, the orc laughed mockingly. “That will teach ya to go ‘bout stabbin’ people willy-nilly.”
Frustrated, Boromir let go of the sword and looked around for an improvised weapon. He spotted a rickety old chair, perfect for smashing over the heads of fiends and immediately spun it at a nearby warg, stunning it.
“OUCH!” said the chair.
“What?” said Boromir, looking at his new weapon incredulously.
“Do you mind?” Boromir looked down to find himself holding something that was not exactly a chair, but more of a rabbit.
Boromir dropped the rabbit. Once it had arranged its limbs underneath itself, the ‘rabbit’ turned its head towards him and hissed.
“Er, er, sorry,” said Boromir uncertainly. The rabbit merely gave him a malicious glare and bobbed off.
As it passed, the warg sensed something of his nemesis in this cute ball of fluff and snarled at it. Without a second thought, the rabbit pounced on it and ripped its throat out, slaughtering it in cold blood. As Boromir looked on aghast, the rabbit sank its teeth into the carcass of the warg, its soft snowy-white paws stained red with the blood of its prey, and proceeded to drag it away to its burrow.
Boromir was distracted from his musings on how he would never trust a bunny rabbit again by a cry from the far side of the room. “LEGOLAS, LOOK OUT!”
He turned just in time to see the axe of a wild-man embed itself in the back of the fair elf prince. Boromir dashed over as Aragorn and Gimli dragged Legolas out of the fray and leaned him against a pillar.
“I can still fight,” protested Legolas.
Frodo and Sam extricated themselves from the thickest of the fight and came to support Legolas from either side.
“That’s a brave elf,” said Aragorn. “However, you need to be kept safe.”
“He’s right, laddie,” said Gimli, feeling the need to make himself heard.
“Someone needs to keep him safe, out of the battle,” Aragorn stated.
Gaurbrith bounced out of the fight. “That sounds like a job for a coward: I volunteer!”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion appeared beside them and shouted over the din of war, “I think we need a more trustworthy and more reliable person to look after a noble elf prince. Someone …. not incompetent.”
Aragorn looked at all those gathered there. “We’re outnumbered, especially in the centre of the battle. We need help!”
At that moment, a highly improbable thing happened. A beautiful elf maiden of noble bearing crashed through the stained glass window, leaping onto the shoulders of a cave troll. She then drew her shiny (shiny!), elegantly crafted mithril sword and drove it into the back of the trollÂ’s head, killing it in an instant. As the beast collapsed, she leapt gracefully to the ground.
“Hang on a minute; that’s my move!” said an outraged Legolas as he continued to die.
“To be fair, you didn’t swing through a stained glass window,” said Boromir.
“Oh, swinging through a stained glass widow is a parlor trick, anyone can do it. Watch this,” Aragorn ran over to a conveniently placed rope, took a nice long run-up and swung through the priceless glass with a great crash.
“There goes the only one of us with medical qualifications,” Frodo sighed, still holding onto Legolas.
“Medical qualifications?” questioned Gaurbrith.
“Well, he knows what Athelas looks like,” shrugged Frodo.
The elf maiden raised her sword towards the enemy and struck a dramatic pose. “Bring it on!!” she shouted. Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion would have groaned if he were not an elf lord, as she charged into the battle and started ‘kicking arse’. As Legolas ‘kicked the bucket’, she continued kicking arse, and she followed that by kicking some more arse. The orcs fell like Reavers before an insane little girl named River.
Soon the number of enemies was dwindling, and the Fellowship suddenly realized that they could actually lend a hand. Their pitiful contribution was enough to chase away the remaining monsters. Frodo spotted a treasure chest in one corner and went to investigate.
The rest of them gathered in the centre of the room. The elf maiden cleaned the blood off the blade carefully and sheathed it with the delicate respect that one reserves for the tools of oneÂ’s craft … and leapt into the arms of Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.
“Hello Kani-kins, tell me I did good. I really beat them up, didn’t I? Are you please to see me? I missed you, Kano-kun.”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion permitted himself to sigh, “Hello sister. Yes, you did alright.” He dropped his arms. “Could you let go of me now, my neck is starting to hurt.”
“You never praise me; why do you never tell me I’m good at things? I try my best.”
“I said you did well.”
“You said I did alright, and you didn’t mean it!” Her eyes began to fill with tears.
“Ilgulea,” he wheezed. Elves are not heavy creatures by nature (how many creatures can walk on the surface of snow), but it is still not an easy task to hold one up using only the power of your neck. “You’ve put on weight.”
She gasped, “That’s sooooo cruel!” She let go of him and turned away from him.
At this point, Frodo came over. “I found this in a chest over there.” He held an ITEM in his hand.
After several moments of no response, he tried again. “I think it’s a Phoenix Down.”
“That’s nice,” said Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, who was locked in some kind of telepathy with his sister that required a lot of glaring.
Boromir looked blank. “What’s a Phoenix Down?” He brightened, “Is it like Athelas?”
Frodo turned to Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion. “I suppose I should go and resurrect Legolas, then?”
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion seemed to momentarily snap out of his ‘conversation’. “Yeah, you do that.”
Frodo walked over to Legolas and threw the Phoenix Down in the air. A light shone down on Legolas from no visible source and he was levitated onto his feet. He sagged slightly. “I’m still not feeling too good, have you got anything else?”
“There was this ‘Hi-potion’ in the chest as well.” He threw it and the number 500 appeared briefly above Legolas’ head.
“Ah, that’s much better. Let’s see what the others are doing.”
Frodo walked up to Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion. “I’ve revived Legolas.”
There was no response. Frodo looked to Sam. “Have they actually said anything since I left?”
“Nope,” said Sam.
“We should be leaving, maybe we should-”
“That’s alright then, I forgive you!” Ilgulea caught Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion in something between a hug and a rugby tackle, and wandered off in the direction of the front gate.
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion almost sighed with relief. “Still, that explains why she is here instead of the Undying Lands.”
“Why is that, then?” asked Gimli.
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion appeared not to have heard him, and walked past them.
Boromir shrugged, “What are we waiting for then?”
Gaurbrith looked round and said, “Er, what about Aragorn?”
Everyone stopped (even Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, but only to avoid a puddle of stunge on the floor).
“Here I am! Where are the bad guys?” Aragorn appeared in the doorway. He was grinning like a child with a balloon, and an ice cream, and a party hat, and a party. He was grinning a lot. He was also bleeding a lot, from a large number of glass-cuts, and immediately fainted.
Gandalf appeared in the doorway and looked down at the king of Gondor. “Fool of a human,” he said, paraphrasing himself.

End of Chapter 10

Again, I hope you enjoyed it and we love all reviews (they help us write faster …. but then itÂ’s hard to make us write slower) ;). If youÂ’d like a response to your review then either sign in (and IÂ’ll do it through FF.netÂ’s system) or write down your email address in the review.

[JB] WeÂ’ve got some idea of where the plot is going now, although itÂ’s not exactly carved in stunge as-of-yet. To be frank, having any plot at all is an improvement on the situation when we were starting out, but then this fanfic has never really been about the plotÂ…

TinNim: ItÂ’s great to see youÂ’ve read my other fics as well, and enjoy them just as much 😀 So, as ordered, hreÂ’s is more 🙂 (though a little late).

oselle: IÂ’m glad you love it, I you love this one just as much.

eorlingas42: YouÂ’re too kind. I havenÂ’t read ‘hitchiker’s guideÂ’, but just bob has (co-writer). The armadillo has quickly grown on us as well :D. If you want to look Gaurbrith up, try going to the back of the sil (where they translate parts of elvish names) and look up ‘GaurÂ’, and then ‘BrithÂ’, if you canÂ’t find it then, then it may be because we have different versions of the book. Yay, someone notices the disclaimers (or comments on them) *hugs*.

Elrondthebugeyedguy: *bows apologetically* IÂ’m so sorry about the update, but itÂ’s because we only talk on the phone once a week, and then he also has to talk to the rest of the family and about whatÂ’s happened over the last week. We do try to post as quickly as possible. P.S I like your screen name.

merryadicbrandybuck: Glad you think so 😀