A/N: erm…I actually have nothing to say this time. Count your lucky stars.

Disclaimer: I own the rights to Lord of the Rings. I am JRR Tolkien resurrected. I have adopted the body of a 23 year-old and the heart of an 18 year-old. Unfortunately, my intelligence was left in the grave. Oh well, you canÂ’t win them all.

Chapter 11: Skippy the Bush Horse

“Quick Pip, let’s get out of here,” said Merry, pulling Pippin through the front gate of the dark tower.

“It’s a good thing you said that, because I was gonna hang around.”

“I do hope that was sarcasm.”

“Sarcasm?” Pippin looked blank.

As they took off through a copse of trees, Merry looked around. “I wonder where Boromir and the others are.”

“Why are you so concerned about Boromir?”

“I like Boromir; he let me ride with him.”

“He also killed you,” Pippin pointed out.

“Yeah but that’s all in the past. Boromir’s my friend now.”

“Friends don’t often kill each other, in my experience.”

“Ah Pippin, so sheltered… I’ve moved on now, it’s the natural progression of things. Just look at Legolas and Gimli; they hated each other and now they’re the best of friends. Hate becomes love, that’s just the way it goes.”

“What about me?”

“Oh, I don’t like you any more.”

“I thought you said that hate to love was a natural progression. How long has this been going on?”

“Oh, about 2 ½ minutes, since the beginning of this chapter.” He patted Pippin on the shoulder, “Don’t take it personally, we’ll probably be friends again in 5 or 6 pages.”

“That’s too soon; I mean, that’s not long enough; I mean not soon enough. Is that right? I don’t know! Yes? No? Nyaaaaaah!!”

“Nyaaaah!” added Merry.

They booth screamed for a while.

There was an advert break while the authors tried to work out what to do next.

And then there was another advert break.

As nothing obvious was coming up, Merry leapt into a hole.

“Why did you do that?”

“It’s an outward reflection of my inner turmoil.”

“Is that true?”

“No, I just thought I saw a penny down here.”

“Is it cramped down there?”

“No, it’s quite spacious actually. You could fit a whole Fellowship-worth of people down here…”

“Well come on out then and we’ll be on our way.”

“I don’t think I can; my leg is broken.”

“Is that all?”

“Well it is broken.”

“Well you’ve got another one. Surely you don’t need both of them? Why do you think you have a spare?”

Merry paused for a moment. “Well, could you come down and help me?”

“Oh, is that what Boromir would do?”

“I dare say it is.”

“Then that’s what I’ll do! I’m not going to be out-done by Boromir,” and so he began to climb down the hole.
“Look at me: I’m climbing, I’m climbing!”

A thought occurred to Pippin, the kind of thought that makes one glad that it’s a rare occurrence. “I bet Boromir couldn’t climb with no hands!”

The next thing Pippin saw clearly was Merry standing over him. “I don’t think you can either, Pip.”

(&)

When the Fellowship gathered outside Dol Guldur, Gandalf did a quick head-count. When he had finished, he frowned. “We’re missing someone. Can anyone think of who we’re missing?”

Everyone shook their heads.

“HELP! BOROMIR!”

“HELP! ANYONE BUT BOROMIR!”

“So, on up through Mirkwood?” asked Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.

“Hold on, that was Merry and Pippin,” said Frodo.

“Your point being?”

“We have to go and rescue them.”

“The hobbit’s right, we are bound by duty to rescue them,” agreed Gimli.

They followed the sounds of cries of distress from the hobbits and came to some trees. “Where are you?” shouted Sam.

“We’re in a hole,” came the reply.

“What hole?” shouted Legolas, who had an unconscious Aragorn over his shoulders.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” commented Gaurbrith. “I found the hole!” he added after a while, with rather more echo.

“He’s not with us,” said Pippin.

“Gaurbrith, have you managed to find and fall down an entirely separate hole?” asked Gimli incredulously.

“Aw c**p, “echoed Gaurbrith.

“Oh no, here he is,” said Pippin. “Sorry.”

(&)

Deep in the forest, LegolasÂ’ horse was grazing, like the loyal anthropomorphic animal it was. It had been rather distressed at being randomly abandoned a couple of chapters back, but pets/possessions/friends of fanfic characters must put up with many such small insults.

The horse pricked up its ears, sensing danger. Some great problem was facing its master, possibly to the South-West, maybe hole related.

Wasting no time, the horse reared up, shook its mane, neighed loudly, posed in the dappled woodland sunlight, stamped its feet and galloped away.

(&)

The adventurers walked carefully around the hole.

“Looks deep to me, wouldn’t want to fall down there,” commented Boromir.

“Is that Boromir?” cried Merry. “Listen Pip; it’s Boromir, good old faithful Boromir. He’ll get us out of here, just you wait and see.”

Pippin grumbled.

Boromir looked up at the others. “I can’t see any way for us to get them out of there. They’re a lost cause as far as I can see.”

They couldnÂ’t see the face of Pippin but there was something smug about the silence.

Sam spoke up. “Who stuck a bloody great ’ole in the middle of nowhere any way? Aren’t there regulations against this kind of thing? I bet it was Legolas’ people from Mirkwood. They just don’t understand the concept of-”

“Hold it right there, Halfling,” interrupted Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion. “Are you about to make a joke about ‘elf and safety’?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I was.”

The elf Lord placed his foot squarely on SamÂ’s chest and shoved him into the pit.

Frodo leaned as far as he could out over the pit. “SAAAM!”

“I can’t abide those kinds of jokes. They must not go unpunished.”

“Do you really think it was proportionate?” Legolas asked, placing Aragorn carefully on the ground.

“Well, I didnÂ’t have a bull-whip to hand…” and he went to sit under a tree.

“Come away from the pit, Frodo. The last thing we need is someone else to fall into the hole,” Gandalf called.

At this point, Aragorn groaned and rolled over… straight into the pit.

Frodo shook his head. “I see a distinct pattern forming here.”

(&)

The horse streamed through the forest like a white arrow. Every rhythmic footfall brought it closer to its master. But the danger was increasing. It had to reach its master before harm befell him.

(&)

“Look out, Boromir!” cried Gandalf.

*CRASH*

“Oh, hello Boromir. What are you doing down here?” said Merry. Boromir groaned.

“Mostly groaning, it would appear,” said Sam. “That clod of earth he was standing on has fallen on top of him.

“Is it okay? Do you want me to hug it better?” Merry latched onto Boromir’s back.

“Get me out of here!!!” cried Boromir.

“This has gone far enough,” Gandalf said dramatically. “I shall use the powers at my disposal.”

“You mean magic?” said Frodo.

“That’s even better than my idea!”

“What was your idea?”

“International Rescue.” He swirled his cloak and spun his staff. “Now stand back, everyone.”

Legolas, Frodo and Sam stepped back, clutching at various parts of their bodies which had been hit by the staff.

“Why? Is it dangerous?” Legolas asked, rubbing a bruised arm.

“No, I just don’t like you standing so close. Now, I need complete concentration for this. Any distractions could spell disaster.”

Frodo went to sit by the hole while Legolas and Gimli moved back to a safe distance and tried to stay as silent as possible.

Holding his staff in front of him, Gandalf began to chant. The language was unfamiliar and seemed to echo more than seemed entirely healthy. As the chanting got faster, Gandalf slowly rose into the air. Once he had achieved an altitude of around 6 inches, Gandalf cleared his throat and changed pitch, at which he began to drift forward. Frodo watched in awe as Gandalf floated past, a smug expression on his face.

Pippin giggled. “Look, Merry! We can see all the way up Gandalf’s robes!”
Gandalf looked startled. “What!? What was that? Don’t you dare!” He looked down and the force of gravity reasserted itself. Gandalf just managed to grab onto Frodo’s leg as he plummeted. Frodo hung onto the edge of the pit as Legolas and Gimli tried to rush over to his aid.

As Frodo’s strength failed him, Gandalf shouted, “Fly you fool. Fly!”

“I can’t, Gandalf. I’m not a wizard!”

“What? Don’t hobbits have wings? Oh, no, that’s hawks. I always get them confused.”

“Hawks are easy to get mixed up,” nodded Sam as they fell to the floor of the hole.

Gandalf sighed. “Sometimes I wish I had gone into another line of work.”

Frodo dusted himself off and addressed Merry and Pippin. “How did you two get down here, anyway?”

“It’s all Boromir’s fault!” said Pippin.

“Huh?” said Boromir.

“Leave him alone, he’s twice the man you’ll ever be,” Merry retorted.

Pippin looked down at his stunted body and then up at Boromir before replying, “Your point being?”

(&)

Back at the top of the hole, Legolas turned to Gimli. “It’s just you and me now, Gimli. Together we must rescue our companions.”

“Well, us and Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion,” corrected Gimli.

“Actually, it is just you and Legolas,” corrected Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.

“Aren’t you going to help those you have traveled with since Rivendell?” Legolas inquired.

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion shrugged. “They got themselves in there, so as far as I’m concerned, they can get themselves out.”

“Get… themselves… out?” Gimli repeated slowly. “ThatÂ’s a brilliant idea, Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion! Your reputation as a tactician is well founded.”

“Damn straight. I think I’ll have a nap now.” He folded his cloak and rested his head on it.

Gimli started to move towards the hole and then thought better of it and stayed where he was. “Hello down there. Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion and I think you should try and dig your way out. What kind of stone is it down there?” he shouted down the hole.

“It looks black, but that might just be because it’s dark down here,” Pippin shouted.

There was a long pause while they tried to make a light source, before settling on setting AragornÂ’s shirt on fire.

Gaurbrith looked confused. “Why didn’t you just put one of those glowing stones in your staff Gandalf?”

“Oh, he won’t mind, he’s still unconscious. Besides, we like shirt-flame!”

“Also, it means that Aragorn is now topless,” said a passing fan-girl.

“Topless?” asked Pippin, a blank expression on his face.

“Of course, we took his shirt off first,” stated Boromir.

“Yes,” continued Gandalf, “anything else would just be reckless.”

Gaurbrith looked round; “Who are you talking to?”

Gandalf spoke again, ignoring Gaurbrith’s question: “Now we have light, perhaps we should return to the task at hand.” Gandalf examined the walls. “These walls appear to be solid stone, quite rough, greyish and ‘someone’ appears to have written “Pippin waz ‘ere”. I wonder who that could have been.”

Gimli stroked his beard. “Is it one solid face or many boulders?”

“It seems to be one solid face with many cracks running down and across it.”

“Ah ha!” cried Gimli triumphantly. “How wide are these cracks?”

“Not much wider than my finger, but they have some kind of deposit in them.”

“A deposit, I see. It sounds like the bedrock in the northern part of the Iron Hills. Are the deposits crystalline?”

“Sort of, but I wouldn’t say it’s exactly crystalline.”

“Well, is it or isn’t it?”

Pippin glanced at the rock, “Yeah, that’s crystalline.”

Merry also looked at the rock. “What are you talking about!? That?! Crystalline!?”

“Right that’s it; I’m coming down to take a look!”

As Gimli slid his way down the hole, Pippin nudged Merry. “Oi Merry, what does crystalline mean?”

Merry shrugged. “I dunno.”

Covered in dust, his clothing ripped in several places, Gimli reached the bottom. “Ah, I see now I was right. The stone in the north of the Iron Hills proved impossible to work. There’s not a chance of us digging our way out! It’s very nice rock though…”

At that moment Aragorn gave a groan as he rolled over. He opened his eyes and his brow creased. “I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I think we’re down a hole.”

(&)

“I think I have an idea,” said Legolas after a few minutes’ consideration. “Why don’t I pull you out with the rope I have in my pack?”

There was a pregnant pause while everyone took in the implications of this.

“You have a rope!” exclaimed Gaurbrith in disbelief.

“I always have a length of rope with me, it’s only prudent.”

“Why didn’t you say so before?”

“Well everybody else’s ideas seemed so good. I didn’t think it was necessary.”

During this exchange, Gimli was caressing the walls. “This is nice rock. This really is very nice rock.”

“Hurry up then,” said Gandalf. “Bring it out and throw one end down here.”

“Don’t forget to hold the other end!” shouted Frodo, realizing there was room for a bungle here.

“Of course! I’m not stupid you know.”

Gimli was still caught up in admiring the stone. “I could build a home here, it would be very comfortable. It will be like the great dwarven fortress of Moria, but smaller. More like a… bigature of Moria.”

Legolas threw one end down and Gandalf took hold of it.

“If one of you takes hold of the rope then I’ll pull you up,” called Legolas.

Gandalf pulled Frodo towards the rope. “You go Frodo; you’re the lightest.” Frodo took hold of the rope and began making his way up the wall of the hole.

“Who will go after Frodo?” asked Pippin.

“I think Boromir, because he’s such a great guy,” Merry said, latching onto Boromir’s leg.

Boromir leapt in surprise. “Shit! I’m getting out of here.” He grabbed hold of the rope and started hastily pulling himself up. This sudden added weight jerked Legolas off his feet. As he slid across to the hole, he cried out, waking Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion yawned. “What’s going on here?” Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion looked at the pile of rope unraveling beside him. “Oh, dear,” he said as Legolas reached the edge of the pit and plunged right in.

“What are we going to do now?” asked Sam as Legolas stood and brushed himself off. “Any ideas?”

They all looked at each other and all cried at once, “Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion!!!”

They all continued calling until a face appeared over the edge. “Yes? You called?”

“We need you to help us out,” Aragorn called back.

“Fat chance!” he said before turning away.

They continued shouting until he came back. “Shut up.”

“We need you to get us out.”

“No.”

“But how are we going to continue our quest if we don’t get out?”

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion sniffed. “Well you should have thought of that before you started leaping into holes. Now would you mind piping down, I’m trying to have an intelligent conversation with the oak over there.”

“But we didn’t jump in, we fell in.” Gaurbrith cried.

“Apart from Merry, he jumped down,” put in Pippin.

Gaurbrith looked bemused. “Why did he do that?”

Merry shrugged. “It made sense at the time.”

With Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion out of sight, all seemed lost when…

*Clipply-clop- Clipply-clop- Clipply-clop* Another face appeared at the hole, but this one was longer, and more furry, and had bigger teeth.

Pippin looked at the new face. “My Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, what big teeth you have!”

“I’m over here you idiot, that’s a horse!”

“In fact it’s my horse; hello Skippy!” cried Legolas.

“Skippy?” asked Gaurbrith in surprise.

“I’ve had a lot of horses in 200 years; why don’t you try coming up with good names for them all?”

The horse neighed loudly.

“Well I’d come out if I could, but we’re rather stuck down here.”

The horse gave a series of neighs.

“That’s a great idea, Skippy.”

Sam blinked up at Legolas. “You can understand what the horse is saying?”

“Of course. All elves can understand the creatures of Middle Earth.” He turned back to his horse, “Go explain your plan to Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.”

The horse disappeared, only to reappear a couple of minutes later with a snort.

Legolas nodded. “He wasn’t cooperating with us either. You’ll just have to go and fetch help.”

The horse turned round and galloped off.

Gandalf stood up to his full height. “This is ridiculous! Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion! Your Lordship!”

“What is it now?”

“Why did you not help Skippy with his plan?”

Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion gave them an incredulous look. “Do I look like the kind of person who listens to what a horse has to say?”

(&)

Skippy ran into the midst of an elven scouting party and came to a stop in front of the leader.

“What’s that Skippy? Legolas and the entire fellowship are stuck down an abandoned hole? Strewth!”

End of Chapter 11.

A/N: ….and that is what happens when you write a chapter just for the last line of the chapter.

Greenleaf_is_MINE: erm, pass on the Legolas part…..and the undying lands part. *whistles innocently*

TinNim: lol, your request was noted and more was written :D. So, did you find out what Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion means?

elvenfire: IÂ’m glad it makes you laugh out loud, it is hard to fanfics that do that.

Elvenjedi: Yay, hardly anyone says anything about the disclaimers, have a cookie.