Once upon a time there was a beautiful elf maiden named Jendarwen who lived in the Golden Woods of Lorien. One day her mother came to Jen’s chamber and sat her down.
“My daughter,” she said, “Your father and I think that it is high time you get married.”
“But Mother,” replied Jen, “Though I respect your elder judgement, I do not want to get married!”
“Jendarwen, you are at the perfect age. Once you pass two thousand, no one will give you a second glance!”
Jen sighed, but she knew her mother was right, as usual.
“Oh, all right,” she said, “What must I do?”
“Well,” replied her mother, “ first you must set out on a Quest, or an Adventure. This shows that you are independent, strong, and spunky.”
“Mmhmm” said Jen, scribbling this down on a piece of paper.
“Then a terrible accident must befall you.”
“What?!”
“Oh, nothing too horrendous. Just fall in a pit, or over a waterfall, or get surrounded by spiders. That will show that you are delicate and helpless.”
“I see.”
“But first make sure that a handsome elf sees you, so he can come to your aid. They can’t resist that sort of thing; it makes them feel important. Then all that’s left for you to do is dazzle him with your winning charm!”
“Well, mother, that sounds easy enough. But where should I go?”
“Try the Greenwood, dear, I hear there are plenty of eligible bachelors around those parts” answered her mother wisely.

The next morning Jen set out on her Very Own Adventure. She spent the entire (perfectly safe) journey plotting how to get herself into trouble and composing mediocre poems about husband-hunting. When she reached the Forest, she spent an uncomfortable day crouched in the bushes, spying on the local boys and finding out where they usually went. She found a nice spot and quickly dug a large hole. Before she jumped in, she remembered to wash her face and throw away the shovel. After a short wait she heard someone approaching. Jen quickly arranged herself in an alluring position and called “Help!” in what she thought was a distressed voice. The footsteps above her drew nearer, and a person appeared at the top of the pit.
And not just any person! He was an extremely handsome young elf, with long, pale hair, gorgeous dark eyes, and a long bow on his shoulder.
“I seem to have fallen down a hole!” Jen said sweetly. The handsome elf muttered something that sounded like “Of course you did!” sighed, then helped her out of the pit.
Once out, she smiled prettily and asked, “My name is Jendarwen of Lothlorien. Thank you for saving me! How can I ever repay you?”
“I am Legolas, son of King Thranduil. It was my honor to assist you, fair maiden.”
‘Prince?’ she thought, ‘Score!’
The prince looked at her, then offered her his arm. “Well, might you consider becoming my girlfriend?” Jen took a minute, pretending to consider. She then took his arm, thinking, ‘Winning charm, indeed!’

Legolas got her all settled into a lovely studio apartment on the outskirts of the city. Jen was of course quite pleased that her ploy had worked, but something about Legolas irked her. Sure, he was rich, royal, charming, and not to mention incredibly handsome, but he had some flaws. He sighed a lot, and always seemed distracted, not dropping by for days at a time. He always said it was “hunting”, or “business trips”, or “royal stuff”. Jen dismissed it as being mysterious, which in itself was a little bit charming.
One day Jendarwen was in a little café called Lembas Lounge and found herself in a conversation with another elf maiden named Francinethien. The topic of course turned to relationships. Francy was describing her boyfriend to Jen, and things were sounding a little too familiar. When Jen asked what his name was, Francy had sighed dreamily.
“Why, its Prince Legolas!”
Jen’s jaw dropped. “But…but I’m dating Legolas!”
Another elf maiden sitting nearby stood up and said, “Well, I’m engaged to him!”
None of them could believe that Legolas had been triple-timing them all.
“When did you two meet him?” asked Jen.
“This spring” said Francy, “He saved me from drowning.”
“I met his last winter,” said the third maiden, “He rescued me from goblins!”
Suddenly Jendarwen had an idea. She headed over to the Hall of Records, Francinethein close behind. Together they looked at recent marriage certificates. Finally Jen found something.
“Look at this! Ten marriage certificates, three divorces. Different names, too! Legolas, Legolas Greenleaf, Legolas Thranduilson, Greenleaf Thranduilson, even Ernie Greenleaf Smith! I can’t believe this…he’s been juggling seven wives and who knows how many other girls!”

That night Jen waited impatiently for her “Prince” to return. He finally burst through the door, looking exhausted. After a glass of water he sprawled on the couch, winking, raising his eyebrows, making kissy faces, and trying to look irresistible. Jen just sat there coldly.
“Oh, just give up, Ernie Smith!” she finally burst out. He gasped and sat up.
“That’s right!” she continued, “I know that you’ve been cheating on me!”
“Hey, baby, no, you know you’re the only one for me!” he said smoothly.
‘Oh, can it. I’m leaving you!”
“Wow…that’s…never happened to me before!” he said, looking shocked.
“Why’d you do it?” Jen demanded.
Legolas looked at her and sighed, shrugged, and pouted sadly.
“Well—you really have no idea what it’s like to be me. I’m not the oldest son, I’m not going to inherit this place. And, I was never really any good at anything, that’s why I took up archery. Then suddenly, I don’t know, girls just started to seek me out. Actually, they were throwing themselves at me! I thought I could string a couple of them on, you know, but now it’s way out of hand. Half the female population thinks that they’re my girlfriend. I have all these maidens coming here, getting in accidents, waiting for me to save them. You were the fourteenth one I’ve found in a pit. Did you dig it yourself?”
Jen nodded sheepishly.
“Well, what was I supposed to do? Send you on your ways? So now I run all over the city, using the same lines, the same excuses. I spend a fortune on apartment rent! I just don’t know what to do anymore!” He put his head in his hands and sniffled loudly. Jen began to feel sorry for him.
“There, there,” she said, stroking his hair, “Just break up with a few–er, most of them.”
“I can’t!” he wailed, “I tried, but…I guess I’m too soft-hearted!”
Jen shook her head. “What you need is a good Quest.”
Legolas sat up, brightening visibly. “Hey, yeah! A quest! Get me out of here for a while…I just got a letter from Elrond…”
“See?” said Jen, “That’s all you need to do. Find a good Adventure. You’re still young!”
“Thanks a lot, Jen!” said Legolas, “You’re a real lifesaver. Now, how ‘bout a kiss?”
“Don’t push your luck, Ernie” she replied.

So Legolas left on a Grand Adventure, leaving many, many young elf maidens heartbroken and gorging on ice cream.
Jendarwen got on with her life. She discovered that scores of male elves in Greenwood were very attention-starved, as Legolas had been dating most of the ladies. She had her pick of the handsome elves, and dated around for a few years. She co-founded and went to regular meetings of GOLF (Gotten over Legolas Foundation). Eventually, to her parents’ delight, and although she had realized she didn’t need to be in a relationship to make herself feel complete, settled down and got happily married.
Legolas returned from his Quest years later, and found that most of the females in Greenwood would have nothing to do with him. So he started his own city and lived happily as a bachelor for the rest of his many, many years.

THE END