Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing is perfect. Therefore, I own perfection.

Rating: PG-13 for thematic elements and slash… there might be some cussing… erm, I forgot… oh well, read and find out!

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“I canÂ’t believe IÂ’m here,” Legolas sobbed, refusing to look at the ecstatic young girl who had sloppy make up on, “I canÂ’t fall in love with a woman…”
“Well, better learn fast, ‘cause the camera’s running,” Gandalf said, lightly. Legolas let out a little squeak and popped up in his seat.
Legolas and a young girl were sitting at a romantic table with candles lit and everything. Legolas was supposed to impress the girl, but he really didnÂ’t want to.
“Legolas is taking out his number one fan on a treat date. He’s going to try to impress her with his new learned techniques,” an Eowyn voice over said. Legolas sobbed, hoarsely.
“I have 2,989 pictures of you in my locker,” the girl said, reveling a mouth of metal. Legolas sobbed so hard the girl jumped back.
“I WASN’T TRYING TO DO THAT!” he wailed. The girl continued to grin, insanely.
“I think you’re really hot,” she said, mindlessly, “My-name’s-Mindy-what’s-yours?” she said in one breath. Legolas almost fell off his chair.
“I really don’t want to be here!” he cried, mopping his eyes with the table cloth, smudging his eyeliner and mascara, “I’m not supposed to be here! Oh, why must the world torture us homosexuals?”
The girl blinked like an idiot, “What’s a gromotectual?” she asked, idiotically. Legolas continued to sob, heaving with emotion.
“I can’t believe I’ve been forced to make a fool out of myself,” Legolas sobbed, “I’m not that odd, am I?”
Gandalf started laughing off stage so hard he fell off his chair. Legolas shot a nasty glare at him.
“Shut your mouth, you old fart,” he growled. The girl giggled hysterically.
“Legolas said fart!” she trilled. Tears streamed like rivers down Legolas’ smooth face.
“I’m so embarrassed,” Legolas said, getting under the table. Mindy climbed after him.
“So…,” she said, “Want to make out?”
Legolas was out of their so fast, the girl didnÂ’t even see him leave. Mindy sighed and picked at her fake food.
“Well, that bombed,” she said, taking a bite of plastic steak, “By the way, this steak is really good. What did you put in it?”
Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Gimli and Frodo were all very careful not to look at each other.
“Well?” Gandalf roared, “Anybody going to go get him?”
After two hours of silence, Galadriel, the caterer, finally spoke up.
“Fine, I’LL go!” she said and stomped off.
“What’s up?” she asked, not sounding very interested when she finally found the sobbing Legolas.
“NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!” he bellowed. Galadriel blinked, fighting back the urge to cover her ears.
“You have to go back,” she said, in a dull monotone.
“I CAN’T!” he bellowed, wet tears streaming down his face. Galadriel rolled her eyes.
“You don’t have a choice,” she said, trying to use her mystic voice and peering into his eyes, feircly.
“I don’t?” Legolas whimpered. She shook her head, solemnly.
“It is your duty to do it,” she said, softly. Legolas looked up.
“But why-y?” he whined. Galadriel gritted her teeth.
“Because-you-have-to-now-get-in-there,” she snarled in one breath and wheeled Legolas back into the camera room.
“I hate this,” Legolas muttered, “If it wasn’t my duty, I wouldn’t be doing in.”
Gandalf gave Galadriel a thumbs up and motioned to Eomer.
“Give her a thousand dollars tip,” he murmured, and then in his normal voice, “Let’s get a move on, people! Don’t have all day unlike some of you bums,”he glared at Gollum.
“What, precioussssss?” Gollum hissed, “Only becaussse we livesss in a trailer park, preciousss, he thinksss we isss bumssss…”
“One more ‘sss’ out of you and you’re fired,” Gandalf growled. Gollum went back to fixing a microphone on Legolas, muttering, hissily.
“Ready to film?” Gandalf asked. Arwen gave him the thumbs up, “Okay, filming in five, four, three,” he mouthed the last to words and sat back in his seat.
Legolas glared at the brace-ed girl, who was still grinning stupidly at him.
“I like Lord of the Rings,” she said, her eyes very googly, “because you’re in them.”
Legolas dropped his fork on purpose and dove under the table to retrieve it. He didnÂ’t come back up until Eomer walked over and gave him a sharp kick in the butt. Legolas gave a flirty scream and waved, giggling like a school girl. Eomer hid behind the cameras.
“I told you hate doing that,” he muttered to Eowyn, who was openly laughing at him, “I am NOT homosexual!”
“Then why didn’t you hook up with anyone?” she mused.
“There was no one TO hook up with!” Eomer hissed. Eowyn rolled her eyes.
“Whatever, sister,” she said and was sent into fervent giggles.
“Do you like rings? I like rings. I like Lord of the Rings,” Mindy repeated. Legolas stared at somewhere by her ear and nodded about every ten seconds.
“Mr. Greenleaf has five minutes left of this ‘torture’ for him,”Eowyn said in a voice over. Legolas perked up.
“Really,” Legolas said, “Who’s your favorite character?’ the minute that came out him mouth, he knew it was a stupid thing to say.
“YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!” she squealed, giving him a huge hug. Legolas screamed and tried to get away, but it was too late. The crew was in hysterics.
“Where did you pick up this girl?” Aragorn sputtered, holding onto Gandalf’s chair for support.
“I just found her on the street,” Gandalf said, wiping tears from his eyes, “Doesn’t every girl love him? Wait, guys too.”
Aragorn practically laughed his head off at that. Legolas was literally screaming with terror. He started sobbing and cursing numerous valar as he tried to pry the girl off. Arwen stiffened at this.
“LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!” she bellowed. The room went silent. Arewn marched up to him, “I am calling your father, mister!”
“NOOOOOOOO!” Legolas yelled, but it was too late. Arwen apparently had him on speed dial and she held her pink, perky cell phone to her pointed ear.
“Yes, may I speak to Mr. Greenleaf? No, do not put me on hold! Wait a second, I-” but before she could get another word out, the music of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice, Ice, Baby” blared.
“TAKE THAT PHONE AWAY FROM HER!” Gandalf roared, over Vanilla Ice’s crooning, “Ice, ice, baby.” Sam tackled Arwen and attempted to wrench the phone away from Arwen, but she clung tighter.
“NO, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART!” she yelled, but Sam had clicked off her cell phone. Arwen sobbed, hysterically.
“How could you do this to me?” she sobbed, cradling her phone. Gandalf towered over her, looking menacing and kind at the same time.
“That’s business, hon,” he said and took the phone away from her. Arwen collapsed into a broken pile.

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Hey, kids, thanks for reading! Appologies to fan girls everywhere. Review, if you wanna…