Rap Battle for Middle-earth
by Jolly_Elven_Piper

*A sell out crowd is packed into Helm’s Deep Stadium for the “Rap Battle for Middle-earth.” As the contestants prepare backstage, the METV (Middle-earth Television) broadcast team prepares us for a night of hip-hop hobbits, vibin’ villians, and heroic hilarity. As the telecast begins, we see Merry and Pippin in freshly pressed suits sitting behind a desk*

Merry: Good evening and welcome to a night of epic porportions. I’m Merry Brandybuck, alongside Peregrin Took, and we’re very proud to introduce a METV original production event, “Rap Battle for Middle-earth.”

Pip: That’s right, Merry. Every one of our contestants tonight is ready to rhyme for the ultimate prize.

Merry: *chuckles* And I’ll bet our audience can guess what that prize is, Pip.

Pip: Well, if they’re thinking it’s the One Ring, they’re right. But we’ll have more on that a little bit later. First, let’s toss it over to our correspondant on the front row, Gandalf the White. Gandalf, what’s the mood of the audience down there?

Gandalf: *with a blinding white suit and tie, and hair slicked back a pony tail* Well, hobbits, the atmosphere down here by the stage is absolutely electric. I’m looking back and I see fans of every race here to support they’re favorite rappers.

Merry: Any hobbits?

Gandalf: *stands on tip toes and scans crowd* Wait a moment… *ducks underneath crowd and then stands up a few seconds later* Yes, I’m fairly sure there are more hobbits here. I see some hairy feet, but everyone is just so pressed together, I can’t see they’re faces. However, I have definately spotted elves, humans, orcs, uruks, goblins, dwarves, and there are a couple of trolls in the back with an ent.

Merry: Wow. This will be a night to remember. Before our contestants start spitting the rhymes, do you have any favorite rivalries, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Well, of course, I’m here to support my favorite little one, Frodo. But there are a couple matchups that will be interesting to watch. For instance, Legolas versus Gimli, and Smeagol versus Gollum. And of course, there will definately be some surprises. Back to you guys.

Merry: Thanks G. We’ll check back with you later.

Pip: Well, fans, all day it’s been thrilling for us to watch as our contestants have arrived. We can confirm that Aragorn is here. He arrived a few hours ago with his sidekicks, Legolas and Gimli.

Merry: That’s right. A little later, Smeagol showed up. We can only assume that means Gollum is also here.

Pip: Saruman also showed about a half hour ago, alongside Grima Wormtongue. This is significant because neither of these two are scheduled for a battle tonight.

Merry: But a few of the main attractions are still pending. At last word, Frodo and Sam were still absent. And the cheif villian of them all, Sauron, hasn’t showed either. *pauses and puts hand on earpiece*

Pip: It looks like Merry is getting breaking news as we speak.

Merry: *lowers hand from ear and sighs in frustration* According to several reports, Frodo and Sam have been delayed. It is now uncertain whether or not they’ll be able to make it tonight. Pippin, what does this mean for those who support the fellowship?

Pip: Well, Merry, it’s going to be a tough fight indeed if the two hobbits can’t be here. Many of those who would destroy the ring, including the rightful king, Aragorn, believe Frodo may be the only rapper in middle earth who can out-rap and defeat Sauron.

Merry: We’ll all keep our fingers crossed. But now we’re ready to begin the battles. Pippin, tell us what we can expect tonight.

Pip: Well, it’s really simple. Two competitors will freestlye against each other. Judging on crowd reaction, or one rapper’s inability to keep flowing, a winner will be determined. There are different factions, and each one wants the One Ring. Towards the end of the night, the factions will put their best rappers up for the ultimate prize.

Merry: Once the Ring is won, the winner can take the Ring and use it how they best see fit. We have installed a pit of boiling lava underneath a portion of the stage, in case the winners choose to destroy the ring. Are there any factions tonight who would actually do that?

Pip: Yes. “The Fellowship” released a statement earlier this week saying they would destroy the Ring if they won tonight. On the other hand, “Team Mordor” said they had been looking forward to ownership of the Ring for quite some time. The “Gondor Squad” also would opt to take the ring for their own use. Which is of particular interest, because Aragorn, the leader of “The Fellowship,” is Gondor’s heir to the throne.

Merry: That is interesting. Well, let’s go live to the stage for the opening event of METV’s presentation of “Rap Battle for Middle-earth.” The first battle is a friendly rivalry between two members of “The Fellowship.” Of course, I’m speaking of Legolas and Gimli. As you know, they love to poke fun at each other, and the fans will enjoy this one.

Pip: Okay. Let’s send it down to our stage announcer and DJ for the night, Lurtz.

Lurtz: *sporting sagging sweatpants, a ribbed tanktop undershirt, and a white headband, he shouts in his handheld microphone* Yo, yo, yo! Where my people at?

Crowd: *cheers loudly*

Lurtz: I see we got everyone in da’ house. Shire folk, Dwarves, Rohan riders, men and women of Gondor, Mordor’s army, even an ent. So make some noise if you’re ready for the battles to begin!

Crowd: *hollering and whooping*

Lurtz: *pointing to a microphone on a stand* The best rappers in Middle-earth are going to spit it out on this mic right here. So without further delay, here’s our first battle. Give it up for *shouting* Legolas versus Gimli!!!!!!

*as crowd goes nuts, Legolas and Gimli strut out from opposite sides of stage. Gimli, in full armor, holds hands up to crowd. Legolas, with his long hair in cornrows, slaps hands with the first few rows in the audience*

Lurtz: *walks to his position behind turntables* Here we go!! *starts a beat*

Legolas: *bobbing his head to the music, he grabs the mic from the stand*
Yo
Check this out, Middle-earth

My name is Legolas and I represent the fellowship
I come to this rap battle layin’ down some mellow sh**
But there’s a little twit with a little axe
I keep tellin’ little man he needs to relax
Before he blows a fuse – before he gets abused
Before he tries to rap on me and then he gets excused
C’mon Gimli, you ain’t got the mad skills
When we fight against orcs I get the most kills
I send arrows flyin and the black blood spills-

Gimli: *grabs mic from Legolas, and cuts in on the last rhyme*

Yo, it’s obvious you’ve been poppin’ too many pills
Don’t you know you be livin’ in a man’s world
Prancin’ around like you be a da** girl
You look so groomed, so prim and proppa’
I be lookin’ hordcore askin’ you “who’s your poppa?”
So when you act up, I’m gonna kick yo’ posterior
You might be immortal but I’ll always be superior!

Crowd: *goes nuts. starts to chant “Gimli, Gimli, Gimli”

Lurtz: *shouting* That was ill! That was the illest rhyme I ever heard a dwarf bust! Give it up one more time people!

Crowd: *cheers*

*Legolas and Gimli slap hands and exit the stage*

Lurtz: *pointing in the TV camera* Merry and Pip, back to you guys!

Merry: Well, that’s what you call starting things off with a bang.

Pip: You’re right about that, Merry. And that matchup was just a toast to the fans. It didn’t even really count. Of course, the fans will be in for a-

Merry: Sorry to cut you off, Pip, but it looks like we have some action going on onstage.

*Saruman comes out in an oversized basketball jersey that says “Isen-G.” Wormtongue walks in right behind him wearing his classic black robe. His face is painted with the white hand.*

Saruman: ‘Sup to all my Insen-G’s! I got one thing to say, homies. I’m here to join the forces of Mordor!

Crowd: *mixed reactions. some loud cheers, some resounding boos.*

Saruman: I give my support to all the hobbit haters! I say let Sauron get on the mic and show the little runt who’s the baddest rapper this side of the freakin’ Grey Havens! *points to Wormtongue* This is my boy, G-dawg.

Grima: *grabs mic* This is for Eowyn!

Your eyes are intense, your hair is blonde
I could keep going on and on
On and on and on and on
Sing along, ding dong
Everybo—”

Saruman: *quickly grabbing mic away* Whoa, G! Dude, you can’t flow worth a crap! Don’t ever touch this mic again.

Grima: *looks down and walks behind Saruman to hide*

Saruman: *clears throat* Now, let me get down to bidness. Gandalf! You wimpy, old, try-to-be-me piece of doo doo! You decided to sit out in the audience tonight and commentate! You decided you weren’t man enough to rap for Middle-earth! As a fellow wizard, I say you are a disgrace. Now if you’re man enough, I challenge you to a match tonight!

Gandalf: *climbs up on stage and faces the cheering crowd. He grabs the mic away from Saruman* People and things of Middle-earth. I didn’t come here tonight to rap. *crowd boos* Wait, please, just listen. I decided that “The Fellowship” had enough talent to put up a fight worthy of the One Ring itself. But now I feel like my manhood and raphood is being challenged. *points at Saruman and Grima* So I’ll make you scumbags a deal! If Frodo shows up in the arena tonight, I’ll rap you back to the shadows where you belong!

Crowd: *thunderous cheers and boos*

*Saruman and Grima exit, and Gandalf goes back to his station in the front of the audience.*

*back to the broadcast booth*

Merry: Can you believe it? Gandalf has accepted a rap challenge from the biggest Isen-G around, Saruman!

Pip: I can believe it. Gandalf has never been one to back down from a challenge. But I’ll tell you, I don’t know if he can prepare this quickly for a battle of this magnitude.

Merry: Well, let’s ask the man himself. *holding earpiece* Gandalf, can you hear me?

Gandalf: Yes, hobbit, go ahead.

Merry: Everyone is excited about the challenge you just accepted. Are you ready to rise to the challenge?

Gandalf: *scratches head* I don’t think I’m quite ready, to tell you the truth. But I’ll have a little time to prepare. Saruman will be a worthy opponent, indeed.

Pip: Gandalf, in order for you to battle with Saruman, first Frodo must show. What if he doesn’t?

Gandalf: The question is, what if he does? Will any of us be ready for the shadow that might break out in this place if I battle Saruman and Frodo battles Sauron? It will be an all out war.

Merry: Gandalf, we’ll let you off your duties for the rest of the night. You had better go backstage and preare your mind for what might happen. We didn’t think it’d end up like this, but we’re really amped over what a Saruman versus Gandalf rap battle will be like!

Gandalf: Thanks, guys. Root for me later tonight! *Gandalf makes his way through the crowd to a side exit. From there he goes backstage*

Merry: *holding earpiece* YES! Folks of Middle-earth, hold on to your butts! I just got a word from our backstage reporter, Bilbo. He says that Sam just ran in through the back entrance and went straight into the dressing room designated for “The Fellowship.” And here’s the awesome part of it. With him was a figure about the same height completely covered in some sort of large elven cloak.

Pip: That can only mean one thing!

Merry: That’s right. I’ll go ahead and say it on faith. Ladies and gentlemen, Frodo is in the building!!!

Pip: In fact, let’s go live to Bilbo right now. Bilbo, are you there?

Bilbo: *in a suit and bow-tie* I’m here, boys. I’m outside “The Fellowship’s” dressing room. As you know, Sam ran in moments ago with a mysterious cloaked figure. Let’s see if we can get the dirt on this breaking news. *knocks on door and waits. After several seconds, Aragorn cracks the door and peeks out* Why, it’s the king!

Aragorn: Bilbo, what’s up?

Bilbo: *trying to look around Aragorn to get a glimpse of the others* I was wondering if I might have a word with the person who ran in with Sam.

Aragorn: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Sam is here, though. I’ll get him. *closes door*

Sam: *cracking door open* Mr. Bilbo, you wanted to see me?

Bilbo: Hello, Samwise. I was wondering… who was the person that ran in with you moments ago?

Sam: What? I came in alone, sir.

Bilbo: *angrily* But there was a cloaked figure with you!

Sam: Whoa, Mr. Bilbo, calm down. That was just my bag of food. You know how I love food.

Bilbo: Sorry for getting uppety. So, since you insist there was no one with you, tell us about your plans tonight.

Sam: Well, Mr. Bilbo, it’s clear. I’m on a mission tonight. I can’t tell you whom I will be battling, but I will say it will take every ounce of rap flow in my body to compete.

Bilbo: Any chance the fans will see you battle Gollum?

Sam: Absolutely not. That stinker is insane. He’s actually scheduled a match versus himself. I don’t have time for games and name calling. I’m here on a mission, dang it.

Bilbo: Now, everyone wants to know… where is Frodo?

Sam: I don’t know… if you see him, tell him he’s late! *closes door quickly*

Bilbo: Well, Merry and Pippin, back to you.

Merry: *smiles* Interesting. I guess we’ll all have to wait and see what develops tonight.

Pip: And Sam seems pumped for his match tonight. What does he have up his sleeve?

Merry: Who knows. However, I do know this. We have to go right down to the stage, because our next battle is starting. Once again, here’s our ringside announcer and DJ, Lurtz.

Lurtz: *hyping crowd* Here we go people, it’s time for our next battle. Firstly, let me introduce… A rider of Rohan… ladies and gentlemen, King Theoden!!!

*Theoden rides a horse out onto the stage, drawing a huge ovation. Eowyn walks in beside. He climbs off the horse and Eowyn takes the horse off stage.*

Lurtz: And the opponent… Representing “The Fellowship….” a ranger from the North…. the future kizzle of Gondizzle… Aragorn!

*Aragorn slowly walks in and raises his sword towards the crowd.”

Lurtz: Ladies and Gentlemen, a king and a king-to-be. This is a real royal rumble! *crowd goes nuts*

Theoden: *grabbing mic from stand as beat begins*

Yo, tell me one thing, Ranger from the north
Must we really do this, go back and forth
I don’t want to battle you, I don’t want to fight
I just want to be with my people day and night
Can’t you see? Can’t you just let me be
And retreat with my people to the safety of Helm’s deep

Aragorn: *grabbing mic*

Don’t you get it man, this is a world war
Don’t you see the reasons that people are dying for?
You want to sit back when the legions of evil
Stick it to us, wanna’ make us all weak and feeble
But yo, you could lead the greatest riders in the land
With a purpose in your heart and a sword in your hand
You and I could ride out together, what for?
To help the plight of the dying men of Gondor

Theoden: *grabs mic back*

Gondor? Dude, you can’t be serious
Mention of that blasted name just makes me furious
Where was Gondor when our backs were ‘gainst the wall
Where was Gondor when our people took the fall

Aragorn: *grabs mic*

They were at home because you wouldn’t make the call
Your pride keeps you from being practical at all
I’m telling you now, not as a ranger, nor a king
You gotta let it go man, and do the right thing
Help me and the fellows as we join the fight
To save Gondor from the Dark Lord tonight!

*Aragorn drops mic on floor and offers hand to Theoden. Theoden pauses in thought and then finally shakes Aragorn’s hand. The crowd goes wild as the kings walk off together.*

Lurtz: Yo, that was hot! We just saw a union between Theoden, the king of Rohan, and Aragorn. This is a huge win for “The Fellowship!” Merry and Pippin, take it.

Merry: Thanks, Lurtz. *shuffles papers* Well, folks, I have a schedule of events in front of me, but I’ll tell you… this night is turning out to be a lot hotter than it looks on paper.

Pip: You’re telling me. The electricity in this arena is only getting crazier. What’s next?

Merry: A rap battle that might just confuse us all. You guessed it. Smeagol versus Gollum. Let’s send right back down to Lurtz for the action.

Lurtz: *pointing to crowd* Y’all still out there?

Crowd: *loud cheers*

Lurtz: Now, to battle his own alter ego, Smeagol, give it up for our favorite… thing, Gollum!!!!

*crowd erupts in riotous applause*

Gollum: *as beat starts, he pics up mic and pauses to glare at crowd*

Look at them, preciousss – they just want to laugh at us
Call us namess and talk a lot of crap at us
We should gouge out their eyes and eat them with fisssh
Take the preciousss and dissappear with a swissh!

*writhes around and then smiles*

No, preciouss, these masters are very nice
They think I’m cool, yes, yes, cool as ice

*a sharp glare comes over his face*

SSmeagol, that was stupidest rhyme that we could busst
Now they will surely conspire to get rid of usss
We must get help from the preciousss, you fool
Before we sstop to catch fish from the pool

*he smiles again*

Ahh, fish from the pool so juicy sssweet
Almost as tasty as this juicy beat

*glares*

You stupid fool, lisssten to me,
AGGHHHHHH!

*smiles*

That didn’t even rhyme, Gollum
Now listen as I kick your sstinky bottom
I don’t need you anymore, so leave
……..
Gollum?

*Smeagol stares around and then begins dancing to the cheers of the crowd*

Lurtz: Ahh, yeah! That was tasty, Smeagol, just tasty! I’ll send it to you guys in the booth…. Merry and Pippin, take it away.

Merry: Did you follow all that, Pippin?

Pip: Actually, I did. What a strange guy, huh?

Merry: You said it. Now let’s go backstage to our correspondant, Bilbo.

Bilbo: Thanks Merry and Pippin. I’m here with a captain of the orc armies of Mordor. *orc is standing next to Bilbo smiling* Mr. Orc, what news do you have?

Orc: Well, I’m pleased to announce that the Dark Lord is here! He’s in the dressing room eating Captain Crunch.

Bilbo: Right. Tell me, what does Lord Sauron say about his rumored battle tonight with Frodo?

Orc: Oh, he’s not concerned. Remember, it is Lord Sauron who first originated the rap style deep in the fires of Mount Doom.

Bilbo: Yes, but many say that Frodo can out-rap anyone.

Orc: A hobbit? No, that is a misunderstanding. If this were a weed smoking or beer drinking contest, then Frodo would win. Heck, if it were a gardening contest, even that fatty Sam would beat Sauron. But this is about freestyle skills. Rapping, man, hip-hop.

Bilbo: Well, certainly strong thoughts coming out of the “Mordor” corner. We’ll hopefully see the match-up of Sauron and Frodo later tonight.

Merry: *holding earpiece* Sorry to interrupt you, Bil, but we have to go live on stage!

*Faramir is on stage with mic. Denethor is with him, staring at crowd*

Faramir: Hey! I’m calling you out, “Fellowship!” Send one of yours to battle me. You think you’re helping our plight by seeking to destroy the Ring? We could use the Ring for the greatest triumph over evil the earth has ever seen! C’mon, “Fellowship,” what are you waiting for?

*to the eruption of fans, Sam walks out on stage and grabs mic from Faramir*

Sam: Alright, Faramir, this gardener will stand up to the task!

*crowd erupts again*

Faramir: *grabs the mic* Yo, Lurtz, where’s the freakin’ beat? *Lurtz runs behind the turntables and starts a phat beat*

Yo,
Destroy the One Ring, destroy the one thing
That could help make your ranger friend a real king
Y’all should know no one could stop the force
If we used the Ring for good in these wars
We could take back the lands and drive out the orcs
If you and your fellas would quit acting like dorks!

Sam: *grabbing mic*

I wish you could know what the Ring really does
It makes you way different than the person that you was
First you just like it, then you like it more
Before long, you’re taking it right up to Mordor
You become obsessed with the little gold thing
So much evil power in that gold Ring
But if we throw it in the fires of Doom
All the problems that you have will go boom!
They’ll disappear along with the Dark Lord
We’ll be free forever of the Mordor hoarde

Faramir: *takes back mic*

You’re so short that I can hardly see you, dude
But I think you’re really wise and I believe you, dude
If what you say about the One ring is true
It’s worth a shot to join your “Fellowship” crew

Denethor: *freaks out and grabs mic from his son, Faramir*

As Steward of Gondor, I denounce you as my son
You have betrayed the fight that your noble brother begun
Now you want to join those who would dethrone me?
It would have been better to pick up rocks and stone me!!!

*Denethor jumps on his son and begins to choke him. The crowd bursts into spontaneous riot. Sam is wildly looking around for an escape route when Pippin bursts onto the stage and grabs the mic*

Pippin: Yo!

Denethor! Everybody! Chill the he** out!
This ain’t what the rap battle is all about
We’re fighting with our hearts and minds, not hands
We’re here to win, but also perform for the fans
Denethor, shame on you for actin’ stupid
Your son didn’t do anything terrible, you did!

*members of crowd stop fighting and cheer for Pippin. Denethor realizes his foolishness and runs off stage. Pippin and Sam help Faramir off stage*

Lurtz: Man! It just keeps getting hotter! Merry, take it, dude!

Merry: Wow. What can I say. In the middle of that battle I look over and my broadcast partner is gone. He just ran up on the stage and took over. That was AWESOME!

*Pippin sits back down in the booth next to Merry. He is sweaty and out of breath.*

Merry: Pip, that was amazing. What inspired you to go up there and set the tone?

Pip: *breathing heavily* I don’t know. Somehow I…. I feel tied to the fate of Gondor. I just had to stick up for what was right.

Merry: I’m proud of you, my friend.

Pip: Thank you.

Merry: *holding earpiece* Well, well. Bilbo is back stage and has some news that will delight you. Bilbo?

Bilbo: I’m here, Merry. I was just taking a drink from the water fountain near the men’s restroom when I heard talking inside. It sounded like two males. I peeked under the door and saw two sets of hairy feet. Of course, this leads me to one conclusion. It must be Sam… and Frodo. But I still haven’t seen him. Back to you guys.

Merry: We all believe that Frodo is here, we just want to see him.

Pip: It would sure lift the doubt a little. Frodo really is a talented rapper, and he has a real shot to beat Lord Sauron in our finale.

Merry: As we await our next match, let’s do a little recap. First, we saw friendly competetion between Gimli and Legolas. It was a real treat and the fans ate it up.

Pip: That’s right, Merry. Next, Grima Wormtongue tried to lay down a rhyme dedicated to Eowyn, but he didn’t have the stuff.

Merry: Nope. His comrade, Saruman, however, was packing heat as he challenged our own Gandalf to a match.

Pip: Gandalf accepted, and that match is in our near future. After that, Aragorn rappingly convinced Theoden and the Rohan riders to join the fight with “The Fellowship.”

Merry: Then Gollum and Smeagol battled, with Gollum apparently dissappearing in the middle of the rap!

Pip: After that, Sam turned Faramir into a believer.

Merry: And when Denethor lost his cool, Pippin made him chill out. I tell you man, that was incredible.

Pip: Thanks again, Merry. I couldn’t have done it without the help of all my brothers in “The Fellowship.” If we can claim victory tonight, it’ll be because of everyone’s hard work.

Merry: That’s right. Now, once again, Lurtz.

Lurtz: Everybody!!!! Are you ready!?!

*crowd thunders*

Lurtz: Representing The Isen-G’s, give it up for Saruman!

*Saruman, in his jersey, struts out alone.*

Lurtz: And his opponent, the elder of “The Fellowship…” The man with the plan and the staff in his hand… Gandalf!!!

*Gandalf enters from the back of the arena and wades through the cheering crowd. They lift him up and surf him onto the stage.*

Saruman: *as beat starts, he grabs mic*

I’m gonna waste no time to grab this mic and spit it
I’m here to tell Gandalf the White to get wid’ it
Imagine for one second the wizard you could be
If you put the Ring on your finger and stood next to me
We could be the one force that everyone would bow to
Kings want to lead, but they don’t know how to
Nothing could stop us, nothing could stand
We could lead Middle-earth with a staff and a white hand!

Gandalf: *grabs mic*

Hey, do you know what you’re up against?
I got your evil a** all up on the fence
You hoped I wouldn’t rap out against the Eye
‘Cause I don’t give a crap if you live or die
You’ve been poisoned by power of the One
And you can’t be released till the power trip is done
Frodo’s got my back now, he’s in the freakin’ house
With rhymes way hotter than you ever could douse
So get out my face with your little magic tricks
You don’t make scared, you just make me sick
Peace!

*crowd cheers wildly and the arena rumbles with excitement*

Lurtz: YO!!! That was ill! Check it out, y’all, let’s go back to the boys in the booth!

Merry: *speaking loudly as the crowd is almost deafening in the background* This is a night to remember. It appears the shadow is all but gone as we approach our main event.

Pip: *almost yelling over the crowd* That’s right. Gandalf really put Saruman in his place and is clearly a superior rapper.

Merry: Also, did you notice one of his rhymes confirmed our hope. Frodo is definitely in the house now. Now, let’s quickly go back live to the stage as there appears to be some action.

*as the crowd gets louder, a black smoke covers the surface of the stage. It rises and a tall, dark, figure steps out from back stage. It is the Dark Lord. He is in full armor and he is surrounded by a posse of orcs.*

Sauron: Minions. I have come to claim what is rightfully mine! The One Ring. There is no man, elf, dwarf, hobbit, smurf, muppet, or singing purple dinosaur that could out rap me for the prize. I want it more than anyone. So, “Fellowship,” send your best… if you dare!

*the crowd buzzes and looks around for any sight of an opponent. A chant swells from just beneath head level in the crowd and rises until most of the crowd is chanting “Frodo, Frodo, Frodo.”*

Sauron: Is that who you want? Frodo? A little halfling puke? Fine then! Where is he? Huh?!?! C’mon People… where’s your hero??.

*as “Frodo” chants keep getting louder, A group of people emerge from one side of the stage. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli step out into the light. Behind them is a small cloaked figure. The small figure steps out in front and rips off the hood of the cloak. It’s Frodo. The crowd goes wild and the chants get louder. Frodo turns to stare at Sauron.*

Sauron: Okay, Frodo. You want a piece of this? Let’s get it on! Lurtz, start a beat worthy of the One Ring. *beat pumps*

Yo

I’m the Lord of the Rings with the fire eyes
Those who oppose me better recognize
I come from the very fires of Mount Doom
To punish little Frodo, and send him to his room
You got nothin for me, and you know it, scum!
If you had one rhyme you would show it, scum!
So go ahead, hobbit, do what you’re gonna do
Just know this, I got my Eye all over you.

*as Sauron raises hands to crowd, the audience erupts with cheers. But in seconds, the cheers turn to “Frodo” chants as Frodo picks up the mic and sways to the beat.*

Frodo: Middle-earth playas, get your hands in the sky
And wave ’em side to side if you can’t stand the Eye
Scream out for freedom as we raise the roof
We can all make a difference, yo, here’s my proof

*starts to really trip to the beat and the crowd bobs up and down, matching his rhythm*

I’m a hip-hop hobbit from the mutha’ lovin’ shi-er
And I’ve come here to throw the Ring in the fi-er
All the Lord’s horses and all the Lord’s men
Can’t get me to drop the mic and give in
I wanna’ stomp on your a** with my hairy feet
Wanna’ bust you up trippin’ to this scary beat
So if you hear me, better fear me now
‘Cause ain’t nothing in the world gonna keep me down
I’ll torch the One Ring with a mighty roar
‘Cause this is one thing worth fighting for!

*crowd once again chats “Frodo” and the place erupts with thundersous applause and cheers*

Merry: Wow! The building is actually shaking a bit as the crowd shows their approval for Frodo and “The Fellowship.”

Pip: Let’s go down to Lurtz.

Lurtz: Yo! People, show your love!

*crowd continues “Frodo” chant*

Lurtz: The choice is clear. The Ring goes to “The Fellowship!!!!!”

*deafening roar of crowd. Frodo accepts Ring from Lurtz and wastes no time clearing the stage. The stage parts slightly to reveal a pit of boiling lava underneath.*

Merry: *loosening neck-tie* If you’re wondering why it’s been such a hot night, there’s your answer *chuckles*.

*Frodo drops the ring in and immediately Sauron and the orcs vanish in a mighty wind.*

The end –
by Jolly_Elven_Piper. Please search for other stories by this quirky author.