The Return of the Penny

Gandalf: And that is how Santa bought off dwarves to dress up as elves and work at the North Pole.

Pippin: I asked you where we were going, not about Santa buying off people.

Gandalf: Oh- *hits tree branch and falls off Shadowfax* That kind of hurt. *starts coughing* *coughs up a lung* Can you get that. *sees ant* I will race the ant on Shadowfax.

A few minutes later…

Pippin: AND THEY’RE OFF!

Gandalf races ahead of the ant but then hits the same branch he did before and falls off…

Gandalf: OW!

The ant pulls ahead…

Gandalf: *gasp* YOOOOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!! *slams staff down and it kills the ant* NOOOOO!!! *dives to ground and holds ant up in the air* I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!! *the wind blows the ant into a small stream and it floats over a waterfall* Oh well. Let’s go

They ride out again…

Over to the riders of Rohan…

Gimli: There goes old sexy. *cries* Legolas your head is shiny.

Legolas: *pulls out bow*

Gimli: I mean I see some hair coming up.

Legolas: *pulls out arrow*

Gimli: *getting nervous* I mean your hair is growing fine.

Legolas: *puts arrow on bow and pulls back*

Gimli: I mean I see nothing.

Legolas: *puts stuff back* That’s more like it, and I am not bald! I am hair challenged right now.

Aragorn: *snorts in laughter*

Legolas: Something funny?

Aragorn: Yes.

Legolas: Phillip.

Aragorn: PHILLIP!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!! I’LL FIND YOU SOME DAY!!
Later that day…

Gimli: *watching Soap Opera*

Soap Opera Man: His operation isn’t going very well.

Soap Opera Woman: He isn’t moving. What is wrong?

Doctor: I am sorry, but he is dead.

Gimli: NOOOOOO!!! *cries*

Legolas: Oh brother. *looks at screen* OH VALAR IS THAT HIS HAIR!!!

Gimli: You have no room to talk……I mean….I mean you have no room to talk cause it is crowded in here.

Legolas: That’s what I thought.

Gimli: *watches TV again*

Evil Man: Kiss me.

Woman: *starts to move to kiss him*

Gimli: NOOO!! DON’T KISS JACK!!! HE IS A LIAR!! NOOO!!!

The evil man and woman start to kiss- Legolas changes the channel…

Gimli: I NEED MY SOAPS!!! *dives at Legolas and accidentally makes his hat fall off* Oops.

Legolas: GIVE ME MY HAT!!!!

Gimli gives Legolas his hat and Legolas cuts Gimli’s beard off…

Gimli: MY BEARD!!! *cries*

Aragorn: The King will help!

Theoden: Yes I will.

Aragorn: Once again you are mistaken.

Theoden: No I am king.

Aragorn: Let me rephrase what I said. I will help! *pulls Gimli behind a bush*

Many sounds are heard, like a saw, a drill, running water, and Gimli shouting out MY BUTT!!!…

Gimli walks out with a construction paper beard that was poorly made…

Gimli: Don’t say anything.

Eomer: Are my glasses dirty or does Gimli have a dead animal on his face.
Legolas: I can’t tell.

Gimli: YOU’RE SO HURTFUL!!! *turns TV on and watches Soap Operas and starts crying*

Merry: Can someone direct me to the dying animal?

Gimli: *annoyed* Right over that cliff.

Merry walks over the cliff but no one takes notice…

That night…

Gimli: NO MARSHA!!!

Legolas: That’s it. *shoots arrow into the TV*

Gimli: MY SOAPS!!!

Legolas: Is that some sort of crack?

Gimli: Why of course not…*evil grin*

Legolas: You are stupid.

Gimli: You are bald.

Legolas: *gasp* So it has come to this.

Gimli: What is that? Is that stupid calling your name?

Legolas: I think it is the dead animal on your face.

Gimli: ERRR *rips construction paper beard off and throws it to the ground and walks away*

Legolas looks and sees the fake beard…

Legolas: Hmmm…*looks around* No one looking… *puts fake beard on head* Nice fit. wait…what am I saying… EWWWW!!! *rubs head with Strawberry Scented Going Bald Lotion* I love this company. Wait, what company is it? *looks at bottle* Gimli and Co. OH MY- GIMLI OWNS SBSBS™ (Straw Berry Scented Bubblebath Soap) HOW ON EARTH!!!

Gimli comes out and sees Legolas…

Gimli: What are you doing?

Legolas: *puts fake beard behind self* Nothing.

Gimli: Why are you sweating, and why are you nervous, and why do you have that behind your back- *gasp* You do like my beard don’t you.

Legolas: NOOO!!!

Gimli hugs Legolas…
Suddenly the tree next to them falls over and onto them…

The boy (red haired and has a wand and an owl called Pig) and girl (brown haired and has a wand and a cat named Crookshanks) walk out of the shadows…

Girl: You are going down Elf.

Legolas: I AM BALD, GIMLI HUGGED ME, AND I HAVE POINTY OBJECTS! Don’t mess with me.

Boy: Bye bye Dwarf.

Gimli: That was clever.

Boy: So is this. I GOT YOUR NOSE!! *puts thumb between fingers like he has his nose*

Gimli: That is impossible.

Legolas: Gimli is too smart for your games boy.

Gimli: How could you have my nose? My uncle already has it.

Legolas: *smacks head* Gimli let’s just fight.

Legolas pulls out his bow and shoots an arrow at the girl but she just turns her head and it misses…

Girl: NOW!

Crookshanks jumps on Legolas’s bald head and sticks her claws into it…

Legolas: OWWWW!!! HOW DARE YOU MESS UP MY HAIR GROWING!!!! *pulls out daggers and tries to kill cat*

The boy whistles and a giant man(Hagrid) and an old man(Dumbledore) come out…

Gimli: MOTHER AND OLD SEXY!!! YOU CAME BACK TO ME!!!

Giant Man: I am not your mother.

Gimli: Old Sexy I love you!!! (Gimli thinks the old man is Gandalf but it isn’t)

Old Man: I don’t know you nor do I want to.

Gimli: MOMMY COMFORT ME!! *jumps into Giant man’s arms*

Aragorn walks in searching for Phillip….

Aragorn: THE KING DEMANDS YOU TO SEARCH FOR PHILLIP WITH ME!!

Legolas: A cat is on my head…I think not.

Aragorn: THEN OF TO THE STOCKS!!
Legolas: Wait a minute… My father said if I needed anything then whistle…I almost forgot!

Legolas whistles and 3 elves make a throne one a foot stool, one a table and one more comes in with a wig that almost looks like his hair.

Legolas: A WIG!!! YES!!!! *dives at man and throws Crookshanks off and glues wig on* Thank you!!! *cries* I love you all!! *sits in throne looking in mirror*

Giant man: Get off me. *throws Gimli onto the floor*

Gimli: MY MOMMY HATES ME!!!

Gimli’s real mom walks in…

Gimli’s mom: Did somebody hurt my Gimlipoo?

Gimli: MOMMY! *jumps into mother’s arms*

Gimli’s mom: Not now. *throws him to the floor*

Gimli: Yes mommy.

Aragorn: I need Phillip!

Gimli’s mom: Pipe down dandruff man.

Legolas: *snorts in laughter*

Gimli’s mom: Who hurt my Gimlipoo? *pulls out axe*

Legolas: Now I know where Gimli gets his looks from.

The girl and boy shove the giant man out in front and said he did it…

Gimili’s mom: So it was you.

Gimli: DON’T HURT MOMMY, MOMMY…….I have two mommies! MOMMY!!!! *jumps into giant man’s arms*

Giant Man: I’m not ye’ mother.

Gimli’s mom: I am! You don’t even know your own mother! *cries and sadly leaves*

Girl: Now where were we? Oh yes. *shoots spell at Gimli turning him into a barbie Gimli*

Aragorn: PHILLIP WHERE ARE YOU!! *sees Gimli barbie* OOOOO A BARBIE I DON’T HAVE THIS ONE!!! *picks up Gimli Barbie and talks about where to put him and walks out*

Legolas: *smacks head*

Before Aragorn walks out Gimli goes back to normal…

Aragorn: *gasp* YOU LIED TO ME!! *runs out*
Gimli: Oh well.

Girl: *gasp* *they all disappear*

Legolas: Wonder where they went. *turns and sees Gimli’s clothes ripped* AHHH!!! MY EYES!!! *falls to ground*

Aragorn walks back in just as Gimli bends down…

A shriek is heard…

Gimli: Wonder what that was… *sees Aragorn on ground foaming in the mouth* Oh.

5 hours later Gimli has his clothes on and Legolas wakes up…

Legolas: THAT WAS SCARY! Anyway, Gimli I cheated you out of $500…remember when you gained weight on Dr. Sancken’s Lard and Fat diet…well that was me…

Gimli: I never should have trust a diet that had fat in the name.

Legolas: The scary part is you payed for 5 years…

Aragorn wakes up…

Aragorn: Was it just me or did I see Gimli- *sees Gimli* AHHHHHH- oh good you have clothes on. *sigh of relief*

Over to Theoden…

Theoden: *talking to shadowed person to kill Aragorn* I have hired you to kill Aragorn thus making me king of the world!!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA- *cough* Anyway here is your money.

Mystery Person: Get me Phillip and I will be happy.

Theoden: Ok here is what you do- *whispers something that is not heard*

Back to Legolas and Gimli…

Legolas: Like my wig- hair?

Gimli: Well…

Legolas: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG TO ANSWER!! YOU HAD TO THINK!? YOU HATE ME!!!

Gimli: No wai-

Aragorn walks back in…

Legolas: Where were you?

Aragorn: I was in a meeting.

Gimli: About what?
Aragorn: I have to kill someone.

Legolas and Gimli look at each other…

Aragorn: Not you two. The king must kill Aragorn!!

Gimli: Aren’t you Aragorn?

Aragorn: Yes.

Legolas: Then how will you- NEVER MIND you are all idiots.

Gimli: Aragorn… stay out of the bathroom when Legolas takes a shower. The fumes get to you.

Legolas: What did you say?

Gimli: Nothing….nothing….AHHH!!

Gimli runs out and Legolas chases him…

NOTE
If you haven’t realized it yet Aragorn is the mysterious person.
END NOTE

5 minutes later Legolas and Gimli hear screaming in the room they were in and they go in and see Aragorn dead on the floor…

Legolas: Idiot.

Gimli: Did he kill himself.

Legolas: Apparently.

They walk out like nothing happened…

Theoden comes running in crying…

Theoden: NOOO! *fake cries more* HE’S DEAD. I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO TAKE HIS PLACE AS KING!

Guard: How did he die.

Theoden: Looks like someone choked him, then kicked him…

Guard: Who was it?

Theoden: Arago- I mean I don’t know.

5 minutes later…

Judge: Do you Theoden accept Kingship over Middle-Earth since Aragorn is unable to?

Aragorn gets up and uses the bathroom then lies back down…

Theoden: *thinks to self* I better hurry.. *out loud* Why ye-
Aragorn: *sniff sniff* I SMELL PHILLIP!!! PHILLIP!!! *dives out of the room and crawls on the floor searching for Phillip*

Theoden: Ummm… where were we. Oh yes. I accept.

Judge: Ummm wasn’t that Aragorn…ALIVE?

Theoden: No.

Judge: Oh…it sure looked like him.

Theoden: Ummm I’ll be right back… *runs after Aragorn*

Theoden catches up to Aragorn and they talk…

Theoden: I thought you were going to kill yoursel- I mean Aragorn.

Aragorn: Theoden do you really think I am that dumb?

Theoden: Well…wait…Why are you bloody…and is that a black eye?

Aragorn: Yes.

Theoden: How did that happen.

Aragorn: Aragorn jumped me. He almost got me too.

Theoden: *smacks head*

10 minutes later that is straightened out and they move on…

As they move on Aragorn accuses Gimli of eating Phillip…

Aragorn: I know you ate him. GIVE HIM BACK!

Gimli: I didn’t eat him.

Aragorn: The last time I saw Phillip you looked pretty hungry…

Gimli: Oh shut up already.

Aragorn: You dare talk to the king like that. Maybe Legolas ate it.

Legolas: Get a life Aragorn.

Aragorn: Open your mouths and I shall believe you.

Legolas and Gimli open their mouths and something flies into Legolas’s mouth…

Legolas: EWWWW!! *pulls out pink fuzzy thing from mouth (it was wet)* AHHH!! SICK!!! EWWW!!! *pulls out tub of toothpaste and eats it* GIMLI IT IS A WET! PINK! FUZZY THING!! PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT WEAR THIS!

A pink fuzzy thing was Gimli’s exercise outfit…a small speedo…

Gimli: Most likely.
Legolas: EWW- OH VALAR WHAT IS THAT!! *points to sky and pink fuzzy things are raining out of the sky* This is the ultimate torture. I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! *runs under rock and screams out Elvish things*

Gimli: YEEEEEES!!!

Everyone starts screaming as pink fuzzy things come flying out of the sky hitting them…

Aragorn: PROTECT YOUR KING!!! *pulls Legolas out from under the rock to cover himself* Thank you Legolas.

Legolas: LET GO OF ME!!!!

Theoden: AHHHHH!!!

Gimli: FREEEEEE! FREE AS THE WIND!!! FREEEE!!!

Legolas: PLEASE SHUT UP!!! *tries to throw rock at Gimli but is covered*

After a few minutes of that they comes out slowly from where they were, many people were stunned on the ground…

Aragorn: The king thanks you all for protecting him. *Aragorn was clean and unharmed* I AM INVINCIBLE!!!!

Legolas: Really… Look at this *shows Aragorn a picture of Gimli while he was exercising*

Aragorn: OH VALAR!!! *falls to ground*

5 days later everyone was back to normal physically (not mentally) but Aragorn…

Legolas: Let’s leave him.

Theoden: Since he is out cold I, THE REAL KING, will lead us to VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: We are just going to Edoras.

Theoden: Well I, THE REAL KING WILL LEAD YOU TO EDORAS!

Aragorn suddenly wakes up and shoves Theoden down…

Aragorn: I ARAGORN, KING OF YOU ALL WILL LEAD YOU!!!

They continue fighting so everyone else heads on…

Aragorn notices everyone had left and runs ahead and is stopped by a knight…

Aragorn: Can you let us through?

Knight: If you cross, then you will die!

Aragorn: As your king I DEMAND YOU TO LET US ACROSS!
Knight: I cross…for no man.

So Aragorn pulls out his sword and the Knight pulls out his…

Knight starts trying to kill Aragorn…

So Aragorn takes his sword and chops off Knight’s sword arm…

Aragorn: Now let me cross.

Knight: No! I Will Fight You!

Aragorn: But you arm’s gone!

Knight: No it’s not!

Aragorn: Yes it is look!

Knight: Oh…well…come on then! *picks up sword in left hand*

Knight charges at Aragorn, but Aragorn cuts off the knight’s other arm.

Aragorn: Thank the Valar-

Knight kicks him…

Aragorn: WHAT!? You have no arms left!

Knight: It is just a flesh wound!

Aragorn: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?

Knight: I am INVINCIBLE!

Knight starts kicking Aragorn…

Aragorn cuts off Knight’s leg…

Then Knight starts jumping at Aragorn…

So Aragorn cuts Knight in half so his stomach is sitting on the ground…

Knight: We’ll call it a draw.

Aragorn: Sure.

So they head across the bridge…

Legolas had used all the water on his wig so it wouldn’t dry out and everyone was dehydrating from lack of water…

Gimli: I need water!

Legolas: Why don’t you drink your blood?

Gimli: Why don’t you drink your-
Aragorn: HARK! My king senses tell me water is over this ridge! *runs over ridge but it was a cliff and he falls* AHHHHHHHH!!! *Aragorn stops yelling*……I’m still falling I just ran out of breathe. AHHHHHH!!!!

Everyone whistles and looks around then they walk away and find the trail…

Theoden: My king sense tell me water is this way!

Gimli: You have king senses!?

Theoden: Well actually this sign told me. Water this way —>

Gimli: Oh.

Gimli hands five bucks to Legolas…

Legolas: I told you.

Aragorn climbs up the mountain…

Aragorn: COME HITHER! I HATH FOUNDITH WATER!!

Legolas: Ummmmm no.

Aragorn: Ok so let’s go

They head out again…

Aragorn: PHILLIP!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!! PHILLIP! *Aragorn says Phillip for 2 more hours*

Legolas: SHUT UP!!! HERE HE IS!!! *hands him penny*

Gimli: *gasp*

Aragorn: *sits down and examines penny* Hmmmm THIS ISN’T PHILLIP!!!! *throws penny over cliff*

Gimli: NOOOOO!!!*dives off cliff*

Aragorn: Wonder why he wanted that?

Legolas: Maybe he has a penny friend too………..or maybe he wanted to buy a chocolate bar from that machine for a penny?

Aragorn: Probably…but isn’t he on Dr. Sancken’s Diet?

Legolas: *blushes slightly* Why yes…..why don’t you join?

Aragorn: Ok…..wait a minute…..do you work for them?

Legolas: Oh no!

Aragorn: That’s what I thought… anyway here is $500 for a 5 year plan. *hands him money*

Legolas: Thank…..you….*Legolas is confused*
Gimli scrambles up the cliff with a penny and runs to the machine…

Aragorn: *sniff sniff* I smell… PHILLIP!!!! GIMLI NOOOOOOOO!!!! *dives at Gimli*

Gimli puts the penny in as Aragorn smashes his nose against the machine…

The penny comes back out…

Aragorn: NOOO THAT IS PHILLIP STOP!!!

Gimli puts the penny in again and it comes back out…

Gimli: COME ON AND WORK!!!

Aragorn: NOOOO!!! *tackles Gimli but the penny was already in*

Gimli: Finally. What is your problem Aragorn? We will do this in private later *winks*

Legolas: EWWWW!

Aragorn: PHILLIP!!! *hacks at machine with sword*

Gimli: I know I hate this brand too. *chocolate bar comes out* Mmmmm! *grabs candy and walks away*

Aragorn: PHILLIP!!! Wait…*presses return coin button* COME ON YOU STUPID MACHINE!!!

Legolas: Time to go.

Everyone heads out but sees Aragorn beating up the machine…

Gimli: That was good chocolate. *licks fingers then winks at Legolas*

Legolas: You stay away from me.

They stop and try to drag Aragorn away…

They shoot him with a tranquilizer dart and head on…

Gimli runs back to the machine…

Gimli: *presses coin return and gets Phillip* Hey MORE CHOCOLATE!!

Aragorn suddenly wakes up and runs to Gimli…

Aragorn: PHILLIP!!! I MUST HAVE YOU!!! I WON’T MAKE IT!!! I KNOW!! Legolas, Gimli stole all your make-up!

Legolas: That is impossible. *looks into empty bag* MY STUFF!! GIMLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pulls out bow and shoots Gimli’s finger*

Gimli: MY FINGER!!!! NOOOOO!!! *his finger was stuck under the arrow on the machine*

When Gimli was shot the penny fell from his hand and rolled around…
Five minutes later they were sitting on the ground, Gimli had his finger taped and Aragorn was hugging Phillip and Legolas was putting on mascara…

Legolas: Sorry about that finger Gimli.

Gimli: Yeah. Sure.

Aragorn: PHILLIP! I LOVE YOU!!! * tapes Phillip to the top of his crown he made out of mud and sticks*

Legolas: That is sick.

They head along but stop for a break…

Aragorn: Time to polish Phillip. *takes crown off and sees no tape or a penny* PHILLIP! NOOO!!! DO THE VALAR WANT ME TO HAVE PHILLIP!? *looks around at others* ONE OF YOU HAS TAKEN PHILLIP!

Legolas: *whispers to Aragorn* Gimli has some mud on his fingers… (it was really chocolate)

Aragorn: *looks suspiciously at Gimli* YOU ALWAYS TAKE PHILLIP!!! I KNEW IT WAS YOU!!!

Aragorn starts beating up Gimli…

What really happened was…

They were walking along but Aragorn’s tape didn’t stick and it fell off…

A few minutes later a gopher grabbed it and ran off with it…

Back to Aragorn…

Gimli: STOP HITTING ME!!!! I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!!! *swings axe around and chops off Legolas’s wig*

Everyone stops…no one moves…

Legolas: Gimli……………..what did you do to my hair!?

Gimli: Wig.

Legolas: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas chases Gimli around with his daggers swinging madly…

After a few hours Legolas had settled down and Gimli drew him a new wig, Aragorn offered to make one with sticks and mud but Legolas kicked him…

Aragorn: WHERE IS PHILLIP!

Gimli: I don’t kno-

A gopher scurried in front of them with a penny in its mouth…

Aragorn: PHILLIP! *dives at gopher* PHILLIP! YAY!!!
A few minutes later…

Aragorn: And I knight thee, thee… what is your name anyway?

Gimli: *whispering* It’s uhhh Bob.

Aragorn: And I knight thee BOB… You are now the Official War Commander!

Legolas: YOU KNIGHTED ME!! YOU JUST HATE ME DON’T YOU! *tries to kick Bob but Gimli dives in front of him and is kicked*

Gimli: NOO!! Not Bob!

Aragorn: How dare you try to kick the War Commander!

Aragorn puts Legolas in the stocks which are right behind Bob and Gimli…

After a few minutes of Aragorn’s mindless nonsense Gimli starts making chattering and chittering sounds and sees Gimli on his knees with his hands up and clicking his teeth…

Legolas: *in his mind because his mouth is gagged* Am I losing my mind or is Gimli talking in Gopher!?

After a few minutes Gimli hands Bob a bag of nuts and Bob walks to Aragorn and switches Phillip with a leaf…

Aragorn: Furthermore, Bob is the most trustworthy gopher- TRAITOR!! HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME BOB!! AND YOU TOOK PHILLIP!!

Aragorn grabs Bob and swings him around his head then drop kicks him over the cliff… one thing he forgot was… Bob had Phillip…

Legolas: *spits our poorly tied gag* GIMLI DID-

Gimli: *covers Legolas’s mouth*

Legolas bites Gimli’s hand and Legolas shouts out that Gimli bribed Bob…

Aragorn: HOW DARE YOU GIMLI!!! You should have saved that bribing for when you were a politician! Now you are my lawyer!

Legolas: *gets out of the stocks and smacks head*

Thank you for reading this. Please review this or send me a message with your comments.