They start moving again…

Merry: I am so dirty! Anyone want to give me a bath?

Theoden: I would rather not.

Aragorn: *gets idea* THE KING ALWAYS ANSWERS THOSE IN NEED!

Theoden: I MEAN I WILL!! *grabs Merry and runs with him to Edoras which is right in front of them*

Legolas: I CALL THE BATHROOM FIRST!
Theoden: Dang it.

Theoden walks back with Merry and they walk up the path to the gate…

Gimli: I DOUBLE CALL IT!

Legolas: WELL I TRIPLE LOCK CALL IT AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!

Gimli: WELL I QUADRUPLE LOCK CALL IT AND THROW AWAY THE FOUR KEYS!

Legolas: Well I- *runs to bathroom*

Gimli chases Legolas but Legolas was in much better shape than Gimli was…

Gimli: This feels almost…like exercising-

A scream far off is heard that sounded like Frodo…

Gimli: Oh well! *puts on the pink fuzzy thing*

Legolas: I can see it! *turns to see how far back Gimli was* OH VALAR!! NOOOOOO!!! GIMLI STAY AWAY FROM ME!! *runs into the bathroom and locks it* *sigh of relief* Thank goodness. Oh VALAR!

Legolas looks at the shower curtain and sees a shadow and hears singing…

Legolas: Who are you?

Voice One: RUBBER DUCKY!!!!!! YOUÂ’RE THE ONE!!! YOU MAKE BATH TIME SOOOO MUCH FUUUUN!!

Voice Two: Oh shut up already.

Voice Three: *snore*

Legolas: I AM SCARED! *opens curtain* OH MY-

Gollum: *gasp* SHUT THAT CURTAIN!

Sam: HEY!!!

Frodo: *snore*

Legolas: Sam are you giving Frodo a bath?

Sam: Ummm… *closes curtain*

Legolas: *opens curtain again and sees Gimli in the tub too*

Gimli: Rub harder! My feet haven’t smelled air for weeks. Oh Legolas come one in!

Legolas: I would rather not. *turns to run*

Gimli: GET IN HERE!! *pulls Legolas in and poorly gags his mouth and pathetically ties him to the shower head and he starts to turn slowly*

Gimli: SLUMBER PARTY!!!
5 minutes later…

Aragorn: I can not believe he did that! Get out!

Gimli: It’s true! He did wear a green shirt and orange pants!

Legolas starts choking…

Frodo starts to wake up but Sam knocks him out again…

Sam: he doesn’t need to be awaken yet.

Gollum: FIFTIETH VERSE! OOOOOOOOH RUBBER DUCKY YOU’RE THE ONE!!!

Gimli: SHUT UP ALREADY!!!

Legolas starts turning blue and they don’t notice…

A few minutes later…

Gimli: Ok Gollum…Truth or Dare?

Gollum: DARE!

Gimli: I dare you to not sing for the rest of this party!

Everyone but Gollum, and Legolas (since he was half dying) cheer…

Gollum: AWWWW!!! I AM SOOOOOOO SAD!!! (he sang that)

Gimli: You’re out! My turn again!

Gollum sadly leaves the bath tub and slowly walks away…

Gimli: Ok Sam. Truth or Dare?

Sam nervously picks truth…

Gimli: Is it true you like Frodo?

Sam: Well erm…*turns deep red* Well…ummm

Frodo wakes up…

Frodo: What am I doing…*sees Legolas drooping his head and is deep blue* What is wrong with Legolas?

Aragorn: Who?

Frodo: Lego- *sees Gimli mooning him* EWWWWW! YOU ARE SICK!!

Gimli: *winks* Where were we? Oh yes. Sam do you like Frodo?

Sam now turns an even deeper red and looks at Frodo…

Frodo: I had no idea Sam! Wait…why is my hair so clean…has someone been bathing me?
Sam: AHHHHH!!! *runs out of the tub and slams open the door which hit Gollum who was listening in*

Gimli: I am good at this game! My turn again.

Aragorn: THE KING DEMANDS TO GO!

Gimli: Fine.

Aragorn: Ok, Frodo. Truth or Dare?

Frodo: truth.

Aragorn: Is it true THAT YOU TOOK PHILLIP AND HID ALI BABA MY MONKEY FROM ME AND ARE SECRETLY REACHING GOVERNMENT CALLS AND PLANNING TO RULE THE WORLD!?

Frodo: *puts hands to ear and whispers something about making sure Phillip’s location was secure* ummm No.

Frodo: Ok Gimli truth or dare?

Gimli: Dare.

Frodo: I dare you to-

Legolas fell from the shower head and the poorly tied gag fell from his mouth as he gasped for breathe…

Legolas: YOU GUYS WERE PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE! DIDN’T YOU EVEN SEE ME HALF DYING!?

Gimli: Does trying to ignore you count?

Legolas: ERRRR!! *slams open the door and hits Sam and Gollum who were listening in* OUT OF MY WAY! I WAS CONSIDERING LETTING YOU USE A MILLIMETER OF MY EXPIRED LOTION BUT NOW IT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION!

Frodo, Sam, and Gollum leave and Gimli and Aragorn walk out of the bathroom and they meet in the Golden Hall for a feast…

As Aragorn walks into the Golden Hall everyone cheers and claps…

Theoden: CHEER FOR WHO DEFENDED HELM’S DEEP!

Everyone stops…

Theoden: Here we go…

Everyone cheers for Gimli…

Theoden: WHAT!?

Legolas: Well he was in Helm’s Deep why we were stupidly riding out.

Thedoen: WELL CHEER FOR ME!!

People: Ok. HIPHIP BOOOOO! HIPHIP BOOOO!!
Theoden: ENOUGH!

Everyone continues…

Aragorn: Enough.

Everyone stops…

Aragorn rambles on about something and sits in the throne seat…

Theoden: YOU ARE IN THE KING’S THRONE!

Aragorn: Yes I know. FROM NOW ON REFER TO ME AS KING ARAGORN OF ROHAN!

Everyone but Theoden: OK KING ARAGORN OF ROHAN!

Theoden: I AM SO MAD! I NEED TO RELEASE MY BLIND ANGER!

Legolas: *gets idea* USE GIMLI!

Theoden runs at Gimli and punches him knocking him out…

Everyone continues partying…

5 hours later…

Legolas: *bending over Gimli* Look at those split ends!

Gimli: *wakes up* Who are you….GRANDPA!

Legolas: Grandpa?

Gimli: GRANDPA YOU REMEMBERED ME! But didn’t you say you thought I was a little tubby kid?

Aragorn: TUBBY! *cries* PEOPLE USED TO CALL ME TUBBY! THE KING OF ROHAN HAS BEEN INSULTED LIKE HIS CHILDHOOD PAST! NOOOOOO!!! MEMORIES!!! TWENTY YEARS OF THERAPY NEVER HELPED!!! NOOOOO!!!

Theoden: THE REAL KING OF ROHAN WILL NOW RESPOND!

Aragorn: YES! I WILL!

Gimli: Grandpa! Where are you taking me?

Legolas: Ummmm, it is… the cake factory!

Gimli: CAKE! Mmmmmm!!!!

Legolas takes Gimli to Jenny Craig’s Middle Earth Office building…

A few minutes later, Gimli is running on a treadmill with cake in front of him on a hook but his arms are too short…

Gimli: CAKE! I LOVE CAKE LIKE A FISH LOVES WATER!

Legolas: You have short and stubby arms.
Aragorn: *from far away* NOOOO!! MORE BAD MEMORIES!!!

Gimli: Memory…coming…back…EXERCISE! I’m EXERCISING!! *rips off clothes and has the pink fuzzy thing under him* FREEE! FREE! HAS THE WIND BLOWS! FREE HAS THE GRASS GROWS!!

A shriek is heard from far away then it gets louder and Frodo flies through the ceiling and lands on the treadmill in front of Gimli…

Frodo: AHHHH!! *trips and falls into Gimli and his hand touches his leg* AHHHHHH!!! *runs out of the building and screams*

Legolas runs out of the room and Gimli chases after the cake again…

Gimli: GET BACK HERE! *bumps his head on the cake and returns to normal*

A few minutes later everyone is back in the party…

Gimli: Legolas you are fat.

Legolas: NO I A NOT! *looks at mirror*

A few minutes later Legolas is now looking at a diet packet…

Legolas: Ok so I need two tubs of lard and a pound of fat…GIMLI!

Gimli: You rang?

Legolas: I need two tubs of lard and a pound of fat for this diet I am on. Do you have any?

Gimli: Right here! *pulls it out of his pocket* Wait…*thinks to self* This diet seems familiar…

Legolas: This lard is good. *eats more*

Gimli: *whistles*

A few minutes later Legolas is fatter than Gimli…

Gimli: Legolas you don’t look like yourself…

Legolas: I know I am skinn- *sees self in mirror* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Gimli: What diet are you on?

Legolas: It says… Dr. Sancken’s Lard….and…fat…diet… NOOOOOOO!!! I’M HALF BALD AND FAT!!! *gasp* Gimli is more attractive than me…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *pulls out cell phone and dials 911* HELP ME!!!!! *passes out*

Gimli: Anyone got any tranquilizer darts- Never mind he is down already. *drags Legolas to the closet (which wasn’t very easy) and shuts the door and joins the party again*

Aragorn: THE KING OF ROHAN SAYS THAT ALL CHILDREN ARE TO BE CALLED ARAGORN JR. AND FROM NOW ON-
Theoden: *thinks to self* He thinks he is sooooo cool up there. *out loud* YOUR KING-LIKENESS WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Ummmm…anyway…*rambles on about stuff*

Theoden: AHHHHHH!!!! *runs at Aragorn with sword* I BET SOME GUY I CAN HIRE CAN BEAT YOU UP!

Aragorn: Oh yeah!

Theoden: Yeah!

Out of the shadows walk the girl and boy…

Aragorn: *gasp* How could you afford them?

Theoden: I have my ways.

Girl: You will pay. *shoots spell at closet and Legolas runs out*

Legolas: OHLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!!! *runs at Gimli with daggers*

Theoden: He is supposed to kill Aragorn.

Legolas: *shoots arrow into Theoden’s heart*

Theoden: I’m dying!!! *crawls out of the room*

Gimli: Well the party is over.

Girl: Let’s get out of here!

Boy: But I only had one line!

Girl: So!

They leave…

Aragorn: Uh oh. He wasn’t supposed to die till a few more scenes….

Gimli: I have an idea!

A few minutes later a straw and construction paper held together with mud Theoden sits down into his throne…

Gimli: MY CREATION IS COMPLETED!!

Legolas: How is “Theoden” moving?

Gimli: There are two stunt men inside.

Legolas: Oh, but won’t they run out of air?

Gimli: I made holes….*sees no holes inside of the new Theoden*

Theoden falls down and wiggles around then stops moving…
Gimli: Whoops! Let’s try again.

Two new stunt men reluctantly go inside as holes are made…

Legolas: So how do I look from my new diet?

Gimli: You look…..fattER!

Legolas: But I have been using the diet you have been on….*smacks head* NOOOOOO!!! *pulls cell phone out and alarms start going off*

Gimli: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

A helicopter flies in and crashes into Gimli…

Over to Gandalf and Pippin….

Gandalf: And that was the ant’s life work.

Pippin: All you said was his dead body fell into a creek, then you started talking about how you and the balrog met.

Gandalf: Good times.

Pippin: Where are we going anyway?

Gandalf: Where are we going?

Pippin: I asked you.

Gandalf: Asked who?

Pippin: You!

Gandalf: Oh ummmm who are you again?

Pippin: What is wrong with you?

Gandalf: Well…it might have something to do with my short term memory loss, or the fact that my robe has been half open for the past hour.

Pippin: EWWWW…Oh…so where are we?

Gandalf: We are… ummmm going to Gondor!

Pippin: But where are we?

Gandalf: I DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING!

Pippin: We’re lost aren’t we?

Gandalf: Maybe…ok yes, but now I know where we are going!

Pippin: How?

Gandalf: Well I found some guys’ tracks a couple hours back and all we have to do is follow them till we find Minas Tirith.
Pippin: How would the people look who were making the tracks?

Gandalf: Well one was on a horse, and the other had big feet, probably furry.

Pippin: Those…were…OUR TRACKS!

Gandalf: Oh…ok so we are lost!

They ride for a few minutes when Gandalf suddenly stops…

Pippin: Why did we stop?

Gandalf: Shhhh…I smell…TROLL!!

A troll jumps out of the trees and races madly at Gandalf…

Gandalf: OH NO! A TROLL IS MADLY RACING AT ME!

Pippin: Let’s ride Shadowfax! *jumps on Shadowfax and races off*

Gandalf: Wait! Well you don’t have to help me or anything.

The troll swings his club at him…

Gandalf: RUUUUUN! *runs*

The troll chases them as they run, suddenly Shadowfax rears up and Pippin falls off as Shadowfax runs, Pippin chases after…

Poor guy on the side of the trail: Someone is coming. Hmmm… *puts foot out and Pippin trips* HaHA! *runs and hides*

Gandalf runs and trips over Pippin and breaks his nose…

Gandalf: OWW MY NOSE! *moves hands to cover nose*

Pippin: Shouldn’t we fight the troll?

Gandalf: No.

Pippin: Huh?

Gandalf: WE won’t fight the troll. YOU will! *throws Pippin at oncoming troll*

Pippin runs as the troll fights him…

Gandalf: *is reading the script* No way! Four Gondorian soldiers can’t do that! *in the background Pippin screaming AHHHHHHHahhhahh-cough is heard* Aragorn can’t do that! *Pippin screams something that can’t be made out* Legolas does not take down an olimphaunt! *Pippin shouts NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT! and he is thrown across the forest floor and slides past Gandalf*

Pippin: Ok, DON’T help me.

Gandalf: Fine fine. *turns around and faces troll* HASH DASH NIMBODOO!! *the spell hits the troll and it barely moves* Well I’ve done all I could.

Pippin: What DID you do?

Gandalf: I made him slightly smarter but not enough to grasp the meaning of life.

Pippin: And…

Gandalf: He can’t see as well.

Pippin: And that helped how?

Gandalf: Fine fine. *faces troll again* You have forced me to do. I told Pippin we wouldn’t, but now there is no choice! *raises staff* *he turns and bolts off running*

Pippin: JUST LEAVE THE GUY WHOSE LEGS AREN’T MOVING!

Gandalf: *thinking to self* At least I won’t have to carry that bag of useless- *trips*

The troll had followed Gandalf, ignoring Pippin, and swung the club.

Gandalf: FATHER!!! I NEED YOUR HELP!!

Gandalf’s father flew down.

Gandalf: FATHER! YOUR BACK!

The troll swung the club and it hit his father…

Gandalf: FATHER NOOOOOOO!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *turns and raises staff at troll* HOW DARE YOU!! NOW YOU WILL PAY!! *grabs his father and bolts off running*

Gandalf finally outruns the troll and stops to rest…

Gandalf: Good thing I didn’t have any helpless friends out there that I might worry about.

Pippin crawls next to him and passes out…

Gandalf: There you are! Wait- *pulls his father from his pocket* FATHER!! NOOOOOO!!!! HOW COULD YOU DIE!! AND AT THE PRIME OF MY LIFE!

Pippin: *coughs*

Gandalf: *raises his father into the air* LIVE DANG YOU!! *throws his father on the ground* LIVE!!! *stomps on his chest* BREATHE!! YOU CAN’T DIE! YOU STILL OWE ME A LOT OF ALLOWANCE!

The bird flapped around madly then suddenly stopped moving…

Gandalf: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WHERE IS MY ALLOWANCE!!

The troll runs out of the trees and swings the club on his father and leaves it there, covering him…
Gandalf: That is it. You made me do it! *raises staff turns around starts to run* Though I would run right? Well not this time! AHHHHHH!!!! AZOG NAZOGOG ZOOOOO!!!!! *a bright light shoots out of his staff and completely destroys the troll* I didn’t know any spell like that….

Pippin: What was that?

Gandalf: A loogie.

Pippin coughs again and stands up.

Pippin: Can we just try to go?

Gandalf: If we knew where we were.

Shadowfax rides heroically by and races to them but hits runs straight into and tree and falls…

Gandalf: Maybe the glare on his eyes didn’t mean he need contacts…

After a while they finally get going and see Minas Tirith off in the distance…

Gandalf: AHA! I knew those tracks would lead us out!

Pippin: Actually I paid two poor guys to walk way ahead and lead us to Minas Tirith.

Gandalf: You didn’t pay them.

Pippin: What?

Gandalf: I saw you hand them a coin and they grabbed the rest and ran way ahead of us. I am going to get our money back!

They walk to the gate but the guards won’t let them pass…

Gandalf: Let us pass!

Guard: I need I.D’s.

Gandalf: Errr…

They go into the trees and sit and talk…

Gandalf: Stay here, I’ll get it.

Pippin: *whistles and hears the guard’s voice in the background ARRRRGH WHY ARE YOU STABBING ME!!! ARGHHH!! MY HEAD!!! NOW YOU ARE KICKING ME ON THE STREET IN BROAD DAYLIGHT AS STRANGERS WALK AIMLESSLY AROUND US LIKE YOU AREN’T KILLING ME ARGHHH NOW YOU ARE CHOKING ME…can’t…see*

Gandalf: Ok, he’ll let us in now.

Pippin walks over and sees something sticking out of the trash can…

Pippin: What is that?
Gandalf: What is what? *sits on trash can*

Pippin: Never mind, let’s go.

They walk in and go up to see Denethor…

Over to the riders…

A helicopter had just crashed on Gimli…

*Minas Tirith music starts to play*

The door opens and Theoden walks out…

Legolas: *gasp*

Theoden: The king has returned!

Everyone cheers and claps for Theoden and ignore Aragorn…

Aragorn: Hey what about me! Errr…I almost had them eating from my hand- (some guy was licking his hand) Stop that.

After a while they settle down and Theoden takes his place at throne…

Theoden: THE KING ANNOUNCES THAT I WILL STUPIDLY NOT HELP GONDOR!

Legolas: Where is Gimli…*sees Gimli moaning under helicopter* Oh, are you ok Gimli?

Gimli: Well my legs aren’t moving…at all.

Legolas pulls out Gimli and they sit, and wait…for what I don’t know…

Over to Gandalf…

Gandalf: Remember, don’t tell him about Frodo…..or Aragorn…..or Boromir…. in fact, don’t say anything at all.

They walk in and see Denethor staring at a match…

Denethor: Ooooo *the match burns his finger* I love you fire! *lights another match and stares again*

Gandalf: Greetings Steward!

Denethor: Fire! FIRE! FIRE!!! FIRE!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

A person next to him throws a bucket of water on him…

Denethor: FIRE!!! *lights another match*

Gandalf: Well, anyway…

Pippin: I STUPIDLY REQUEST THAT I CAN BECOME A MEMBER OF YOUR SERVICE!

Denethor: First I have a few questions for you. One, do you like fire?
Pippin: Not really…

Denethor: *gasp* OUT!

Gandalf: He meant…yes.

Denethor: Ahhh, and finally, do you have any matches?

Pippin: I have some…

Denethor runs to him and grabs his bag and pulls out matches and lights another one…

Gandalf: That’s a yes…I think…I REQUEST TO BE PART OF YOUR SERVICE!

Denethor: You are too old.

Gandalf: NOOOOO!!! Anyway, will you light the beacons?

Denethor: No.

Gandalf: But, you use fire.

Denethor: *looks up* FIRE!!! *runs out of the room and uses a flamethrower to light beacons* Yes, YEEEEEESSSSS! FIRE!!!

Gandalf and Pippin walk out and see Denethor going crazy with the flamethrower setting the guard next to him on fire…

Guard: AHHH!!! *falls off cliff and dies*