Tales of an Elf
As the title suggests, this is a tale of an elf. Wait a tick; the title says ‘tales’. Plural. Ah well…

Disclaimer: I don’t own Legolas (wish I did though…) I don’t own any other LOTR characters I may put in along the way either.

It was a fine day in Middle earth. I know because I happened to be there that particular day. Anyway, it was a fine day and Legolas the elf was walking through some wood or other (’cause he likes them) when suddenly he was accosted by a bird, who was after his pretty hair for its nest. Legolas being the sensitive little elf that he is threw a tantrum about the three hairs that the bird made off with, and then proceeded to sit on the floor and put his hair up into a net so no other bird would ever get any again.

Just then, for no better reason than that I needed a plot twist, Aragorn came wandering through the woods.

“Hello Legolas, are you sitting there putting your hair into a net so that no birds can get at it again?”

“Yes. Are you wandering through the woods for any particular reason?”

“No, and I’m pretty miffed about it really. I mean, there I was at home, enjoying a nice mid-afternoon nap, suddenly the author comes and plonks me in the middle of this unnamed wood! Not so much as a by-your-leave!”

“I know the feeling, dear friend. Would you like to join me, so we can amble aimlessly while she thinks of some new bit of plot?”

“I wasn’t aware that there was any plot, but nonetheless I will join you.”

So the two friends wandered for a little while in the anonymous wood. That was, until Legolas tripped over a log and fell down a slope.


“Are you alright, Legolas?”

“Yes, I just tripped over a log and fell down a slope, I’m hunky-dory!”

“Well there’s no need to be sarcastic!”

“I wasn’t.”

“Oh. Do you mind if I come down?”

“Feel free.”

So Aragorn, not knowing any other way to do it, also tripped over the log and fell down. He landed on a lovely thick bed of leaves, and was just about to lie down and continue his mid-afternoon nap, when Legolas kicked him (on instruction of the author.)

“Whadidya do that for?!”

“The author told me to. She’s just thought of a new bit of plot and doesn’t appreciate you sleeping through it.”

“Oh, sorry!”

Me: “Don’t worry about it.”

So, anyway, Legolas suddenly realised how fun leaves could be if you gave them a chance, and wasted several minutes playing in them. Eventually, one way or another, they both got out of the leaves and found themselves…in amongst a load more trees.

“Well, gee, this is imaginative” Legolas said, in his stomach-meltingly lovely voice.

“Legolas, could you stop your voice being so stomach-meltingly lovely for a few minutes, I think it’s distracting her.”

“But let’s face it Aragorn, it is very nice. And I can’t help it if she’d rather spend time describing how gorgeous I am rather than getting on with the story can I?”

“Oh shut up, you annoying little elf.”

Legolas kicked him again.


“Serves you right.”

“I don’t like you.”

“Good, cos I don’t like you either.”

Me: “Could you guys make up now please? I do have a fanfic to be getting on with.”

“I’m sorry Legolas, I didn’t mean everything I said!!!”

“Oh, neither did I Aragorn! Let’s never fight again!”

Me: “Ok, now that’s just creepy.”

Legolas and Aragorn hugged, and continued on their way. All of a sudden, and Orc jumped out at them! Legolas and Aragorn patiently waited for the other Orcs. No more came.

“Is that all?” inquired Legolas.

Me: “Yup, pretty much.”

“Can we kill it, or is it vital for a later bit of plot?”

Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know?”

“I guess I’ll just kill it then.”

And Legolas raised his bow in a very elfy manner and shot the orc between the eyes. That was when the other 100,000 appeared.

“You lied!” called Aragorn indignantly.

Me: “Ha ha ha.”

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